


both sides of the moon

by softlyspoken



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: AU, Angst, M/M, Slow burn (heed this warning folks), affair fic, it’s basically aaron having an affair with robert instead of the other way round as it was in canon, prev.littlelooneyluna, very au but also sort of follows major bits in canon that i loved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 241,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23295496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyspoken/pseuds/softlyspoken
Summary: aaron’s world is thrown into a spin when a new employee at the firm he works starts to get under his skin and change everything he thought he knew(spin on canon: aaron’s the one having the affair)
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Original Male Character(s), Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 1391
Kudos: 1039





	1. A before

**Author's Note:**

> this has definitely in the works for a while and i’m really glad to be sharing at considering things are so rough everywhere at the moment. it could be my last wip so i really hope you enjoy this first chapter

The sun flickers through the windows, makes him turn, push his face against the pillow and then lift himself up so that he’s forced to stare at the stranger’s back.

His first thought is that the bloke has definitely come back from somewhere hot recently. His shoulders are tanned, and it runs all the way down his back before paling again. There’s a hand he feels around his middle, realises that they guy has used him as some sort of cuddly toy during the night.

Almost instantly, he moves the hand away and then realises that it’s woken him up. He winces, bites at his lip before hanging himself off the bed and looking for his boxers. It’s stupid but he thinks that if he’s fast enough, the guy won’t notice that he’s trying to make a run for it.

He notices, looks right up with groggy tired eyes and this frown on his face.

“Going already?”

He pauses, turns around with his jeans unzipped. “Got to get back.”

“Back where?”

He frowns; didn’t realise that a one-night stand warranted so many questions. “Home.”

The stranger lifts himself up a little on the bed and wipes at his eyes. He tries to remember his name, remembers how he wanted to know because he thought it’d be seedy if he didn’t ever find out. It was Jake, it’s Jake.

“We could do this again sometimes. If you’re about.” He doesn’t say anything, just sort of cringes and bites hard against his lip. “Aaron, right?”

Aaron blinks, nods his head slowly and then backs away towards the door.

“Was that a yeah?”

Aaron goes to say something and then feels his phone start to vibrate in his pocket. He’s got ten missed calls and too many messages to count this early in the morning. He rolls his eyes before scratching the back of his neck.

“No. It was a no.” Aaron says. “One night.” He says, shrugs and then opens the door of the hotel. “Sorry if I give you the wrong ...” He stops himself when Jake gives him this disappointed look, he rolls his eyes again and then closes the door behind him.

He gets to the edge of the floor, presses for a lift and then runs a hand over his phone to light up what time it is. Six thirty feels too early to have to think about anything and yet there’s a a million things running around in his head.

They seem to start and then end with an argument and his ability to fuck things up.

—

He turns his key and heads straight for the bathroom, bypassing the bedroom and deciding to shove his trainers off just as he jumps into the shower.

It helps, the way the water feels everywhere and nowhere at the same time. The way it sinks so deeply into him that it almost disappears altogether.

He stays until there’s a knock on the door and a face he knows so well that he almost has to turn away in shame. He doesn’t though. He keeps his face forward and then waits.

“Where’d you stay?”

Aaron blinks at him, thinks about what his reaction would be if he told him the truth. The feeling rushes right through him, it makes this spark get to his fingertips and he wants to shake him for not even realising what he could have been up to.

“Where’d you think?” He asks, he fronts it out to the point where his chest is outstretched, and his arms are folded.

Nathan looks at him in this way that makes Aaron’s hands fold tighter around himself. He guesses that Aaron was at his mum, he lets him guess, lets him feel like he’s right.

“I’m sorry.”

The words fall out easily, he looks sincere about it all and Aaron thinks back to last night and how it was another row which lead to him waiting at some bar and then booking a hotel room with _Jake_.

It was a row over absolutely nothing at all, that’s what tipped it over, made them shout at each other and say things they didn’t mean.

Aaron clears his throat. “For what exactly?”

Nathan scratches his eyebrow, shuffles his feet and Aaron stares at his dark eyes. He remembers how safe they make him feel, he has to look away when he starts speaking again. “I’m just stressed. Work’s a nightmare.”

Aaron blinks gently, sways forward and then back again. “Speaking of which.” He goes towards their bedroom, stares at the white walls and single orange pillow in the centre of the bed. “I’ve got stuff on too.”

He doesn’t sound angry, at least he doesn’t think he does. He pulls his white shirt on whilst Nathan watches.

“Are we good?”

Nathan asks questions like that all the time and Aaron’s always going to say that they are. He’s settled, he’s happy, it doesn’t make him feel like his heart is about to cave in and he’s learnt that that’s good.

Aaron nods, working a hand over his fiddly shirt buttons and spraying something on himself as Nathan comes towards him. He wonders for a second if Nathan will realise that he’s lying, if he’ll notice the small scratch on his neck from over eager annoying hands and the smell of someone new.

He doesn’t notice a thing; he’s too wrapped up in the thought of whatever else he’s got going on in his head.

“I’d say if we weren’t fine.”

Nathan nods. “Aaron Dingle, the massive talker.”

Aaron laughs, it’s genuine and enough to ease some tension between them. “I am when I need to be.” He says, feels Nathan’s hand in his arm and the squeeze that follows.

“I’m sorry for calling you a prick, mentioning ...”

Aaron rolls his eyes and his arm away from Nathan’s. His shoulders gather, tense a little until he’s sighing. “It’s fine.” He says. “I’ve got to go.”

Aaron kisses him, pulls back before pulling forward again as his arms wrap around Nathan. There’s this twinge, he calls it guilt as he finally detangles and heads to work.

—

He’s late and it shouldn’t matter considering he’s a sales rep in a company with way too many people above him to care.

Aaron tries to avoid a glare or two and manages until he’s being tapped on the shoulder, hauled into an office and having Leyla of all people try to tell him how to do his job.

“You’re late.”

“You ain’t my boss.”

Leyla raises an eyebrow, looks like she’s absolutely going to love the look on his face after he hears her. “Oh. Well I’m _sure_ Lawrence would absolutely love to be having this conversation with you instead.”

Aaron frowns. “Since when were you playing the middle man?” He stares around her up and down, actually soaks in the fact that she’s wearing a hot pink suit on a Monday morning.

Leyla shrugs. “I’m nosey, what can I say?”

Aaron pretends like he’s on the phone, says, “Hello, this is White Limited, Leyla speaking here, how may I –”

Leyla yanks his hands away from his ear. “Charming that. Absolutely hilarious.” She runs a hand across her face. “I’ll have you know I’m more than just a secretary.” She finally lets them out of the room, and he’s forced to walk behind her as he tries getting to his desk. She’s blabbing on about the complete lack of respect given to her around here and he tries to listen. He tries.

Things are a little blocked out until he hears what he does. She’s saying he’s going to be doing her a favour, she’s saying he owes the company one for being so late.

“I don’t think so.” Aaron’s saying, way before Leyla’s said another word on the matter.

He imagines what she’ll be saying, she’ll be mentioning Finn from IT, taking him out to BarWest with Nathan and them having a right old gay time of it together. He gets past the shuddering of the thought in time for her to stop dead in her tracks, spin and smile at him.

“We’ve got a new guy starting.”

Aaron frowns. “And?”

“He needs someone to show him around, that someone is –”

Aaron sighs. “I’m hungover.”

Leyla rolls her eyes. “So that’s why you were late? _Amazing_. So you’re definitely helping me.”

“How does that –”

“Or should I pop up to the fifth floor and tell Lawrence about your incredibly decent excuse for being ...”

Aaron’s eyes nearly pop out of his head and he thinks of being fired suddenly. He thinks of him and Nathan rowing about it and Nathan having to pay both their share of the rent.

“Leyla. Please.” Aaron practically begs and it’s the blackmailing that gets him taking the lift down to the first floor and kicking a coffee machine as he waits for the new sales assistant.

He presses the button for a latte, feels this banging in his head that won’t go away and this need to fix it all. His phone vibrates in his pocket and as he goes to check he sees that Nathan’s sent him a text.

He closes his eyes, thinks of his hands all over some poor sod who thought it would be anything more than a few minutes of heavy grunting. He wipes it as hard as he can from his memory and then realises that he’s still not sipping on a coffee. He kicks at it again, and again.

“I think it hates that you’re a latte guy.”

Aaron turns slowly and sees some guy in a blue suit and a leather briefcase just staring at him. He looks nervous, looks like he knows he shouldn’t have approached the very surly hungover bloke.

“What?”

The man comes forward and Aaron sees his face properly. He stares up at him, expecting an answer and stumbles back slightly before clearing his throat.

“I just meant –”

“It’s just coffee.” Aaron says, he doesn’t see what the big deal is and apparently he’s wrong by the look on the guy’s face.

“There’s all different types nowadays.”

“Where’s your apron?”

“My — my what?”

Aaron shrugs. “You a barista or something?”

“No I’m here for ...” He looks stumped, like he can’t really get his words out and Aaron very quickly decides that he wants to shake him. “White limited?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and there’s this _swoop_ in his stomach. “Oh.” He straightens his back, wonders if Lawrence White personally hates him for acting as the face of his company right this second. “I’m — I’m meant to be showing you around.”

“Meant to be?”

Aaron pulls a face. “I’m ... no I am.” He decides to leave the coffee machine, turns his back towards it and awkwardly walks to the lift. “This is ...”

“A lift?”

Aaron blushes red. “You always this switched on?”

“I like to try to be.”

Aaron rolls his eyes, stands tall against the lift before leaning over and pressing for level three. For a second, he turns his attention towards the stranger. His blond hair spikes unevenly and he’s not sure what colour his eyes really are but it’s quickly not any of his business at all.

It isn’t his business, so he keeps looking straight ahead until they’re on his floor and he watches him smile gently, look overwhelmed by everything around them both.

“It gets pretty busy.” Aaron says, goes to chew on his thumb and then quickly decides not to. He stands a little straighter and then Leyla’s heels are everywhere.

“Ah. You found him.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Yes Leyla. This is ...” The guy just sort of stares between them, and then looks at Aaron before realising it’s his turn to speak. Aaron smiles, keeps it to himself.

“Robert. Robert Sugden.”

Aaron blinks against the name, feels it over in his mouth without saying a word aloud. It sounds like an old name; sounds stoic and strong.

Aaron stands with his hands in his pockets whilst Leyla prats on about herself and the business and things he doesn’t care about. He stays for unknown reasons until she’s going, and Robert is staring right at him again.

“What?”

“Your name. I don’t even –”

Aaron gulps hard. “It’s Aaron.”

Robert smiles this smile and it sort of comes out of absolutely nowhere. He looks all genuine, looks glad.

“Nice to meet you then.”

Aaron nods back tightly.

—

The office is like some landing base for wankers and Aaron’s forced to walk through the place with Robert behind him. He keeps pointing to things and he’s sure Robert’s not listening.

He stops halfway through the grand tour too abruptly, so Robert almost ends up falling into his chest. For a second Aaron wants to thump him one, but then there’s this massive hand on his chest as Robert tries to stop himself and Aaron feels like he’s about to be sick.

It’s his hangover. He’s sure that the swirling feeling washing around in his stomach like he’s a bloody tumble dryer is because of the alcohol sloshing about in there and not the massive hand.

The massive hand has an arm, has a head attached to the body it sits on and Aaron stares up for a second whilst Robert steps back.

“Sorry.” Robert says it quickly, like he’s worried or something. Aaron tries to think about how he’s looking at him, if he still looks like he wants to whack him over the head or something. “Sorry, I ...”

“Were you even listening to a word I said?” Aaron thinks of actually getting to sit as his desk and get on the work he’s meant to be paid to do. It’s all calling his name when Robert gives him this look.

“Printers are on the third block of every floor, don’t forget your code or you’ll regret it.” Robert doesn’t stop for breath until he’s pointing to Jimmy. “You said he’s daft and harmless, but his wife will eat you alive, and Finn is in IT if I have any ...”

Aaron cuts him off with a look, his eyebrow raised. “No one likes a show off.”

“You don’t even know me yet.” Robert says. His eyes lock into Aaron’s like he’s really talking to him and it’s annoying, it makes his stomach churn.

“Don’t I?” Aaron shrugs. “Your pink tie says a lot.”

Robert looks down at it. “Says what?”

“You’re not going to last ten minutes in here.” Aaron suddenly doesn’t want him to. He wants him to leave him alone.

Robert smirks, eyes almost dazzling. “I think you're wrong.”

“Think all you like mate.”

“Mate?” Robert pulls this face, almost winks. “I’ve got my first mate.”

Aaron feels clammy, blames the shots he was downing yesterday when he should have been at home with his boyfriend.

“Yeah right.” Aaron shakes his head, walks towards a desk and waves a hand out. “Make yourself at home.” The sarcasm makes Robert laugh, it makes Aaron’s eyes widen a little.

He’s certain that he’s a bastard.

“I will. Don’t worry.” There’s just this look, a smile on his face, and Aaron feels his palms grow itchy.

—

Aaron’s staring at a picture he’s got on his desk. It’s in a brown leather frame, hand stitched and containing a picture of him and Nathan. They’re both smiling, he’s got this look on his face like he’s just won the lottery and he smiles at it for a second.

He’s thinking of soft sheets and the sun coming in through the window and Nathan there by his side. Again. And again. And again.

There’s this swirling.

It stops when he gets a tap on the shoulder and Robert stands there with a smile on his face.

“There’s some guy here to see someone about the Hawkings company.”

Aaron’s face drops. “Well what did you say?”

“I said I’d get someone who’s been here longing than three hours.” Robert frowns. “Was that a ...”

“Mistake? Yeah.” Aaron regrets the daydreaming, thinks of the fact that he’s supposed to be responsible for schmoozing the client since he was a fan of cars. “I ain’t got anything to say to him, I’m ...”

“Hungover?” Robert’s been someone Aaron knows for three and a bit hours and yet he’s this hole in his head. “I noticed.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker, he steps back and runs a hand over his face. “Charming.”

“You want me to be charming?”

“I — what?”

Robert bites his lip, Aaron stares.

“I’m messing.”

Aaron rubs a hand over his face again, tries to stop it from reddening. It works for a second.

“Do you think I look like I want to be messed with?”

Robert looks at him up and down and Aaron’s left frowning. He has absolutely no idea what Robert is playing at. He just knows he wants to throw him against the wall and call him a twat.

He remembers he’s in an office though, slows his thoughts right down once a phone goes off nearby.

“Look.” Robert shrugs. “What am I telling him?”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “You’re telling him that ...” He waves a hand out. “I should go and sort it, you’re just the new ..."

Robert places a hand on Aaron’s chest, Aaron stares down at it and then Robert is moving away again.

“Let me help.”

Aaron chews on his gum, wants to ask why exactly he wants to help but he doesn’t have the time for it. Aaron chucks him a file and tells Leyla to ask Hawking to rearrange for a meeting first thing tomorrow.

It’s half six by the time Aaron realises, he looks over and sees that Robert has his feet up on his desk and his head in a stack of papers. Aaron looks at the pen behind his ear, the slight twitch he has when he squints down to read and the way he seems to be mouthing some words.

He stares until his hands are clammy again and then Robert is looking up at him. He averts his gaze, moves the mouse on his computer and then clears his throat.

“So you think we can sort something out for him?” Aaron folds his arms over, talks normally although his throat is dry, and the water cooler seems too far even in this chair with the cool wheels on it.

Robert nods, he has his sleeves rolled up and Aaron stares at faint hairs and paler skin there. He looks away when he starts speaking.

“You’re supposed to be telling him why he should use accounts here right?”

“Did you just kindly summarise my job description?”

Robert huffs, smiles, then he slaps down a piece of paper and leans back on the chair. “Smack him with this then. He won’t be able to refuse those profits if he switches.”

Aaron’s eyes widen, runs a hand through the paragraphs. “How did you ...”

“Read between the lines.” Robert shrugs, like it’s nothing. He has this thing about him, Aaron absolutely hates it. “That should sway him.”

_It will, thanks for saving my arse._

Aaron wants to say something like that, instead he just nods and stares.

“Good.” He says thickly, like he’s swallowing a stone. It makes Robert look at him, and then he’s looking at his desk and a picture of Aaron with Liv.

Aaron turns the picture of him and Nathan to the side, tilts it slightly, wonders if Robert’s already caught sight of it.

“Is that your ...”

Aaron stands, gathers the papers together and piles it neatly before he sees the office cleaners start to make their way around the office.

“We — I should go.” Aaron says, turns off his monitor and goes towards his locker to get his coat. He half expects Robert to have gone by the time he makes it to the lifts but he’s standing there. He’s waiting for the lift to arrive, but it feels like he isn’t.

Aaron stares at him through the clear glass, hears the sound of a ding and then pushes himself back against the wall away from Robert.

“Does that prove it?” Robert breaks the silence. Aaron stops scrolling on his phone, stops at the text Nathan’s said about where he is.

He looks up with a frown on his face. “What?”

Robert breathes through his nose; this soft sound fills the space. “You said I wouldn’t last five minutes about six hours ago.”

Aaron’s forehead crinkles like chip paper and his eyelashes bat wildly. He remembers saying it, wanting it to be true for this really unknown reason. “You haven’t saved that deal yet.”

Robert holds a hand up. “True.”

Aaron looks down at his phone again, thinks of a reply to Nathan that won’t land him in hot water.

“But when I do?”

Aaron looks up again, doesn’t know how to answer that. “What?”

“Drink? On you mind.” Aaron doesn’t say anything. “Fine then, on me.” Robert has this face on, he looks wary and confident at the exact same time and it’s a talent.

Another text from Nathan’s comes, makes his phone vibrate and Robert says something about Liv without realising. He mentions the girl in the photo, asks if it’s his sister and Aaron stares up.

“No.”

“What? So she’s ...”

“No. About the drink.” The sound of the lift brings Aaron back to something he didn’t know he left. Robert’s face is something he doesn’t want to look at right now. He stares regardless. “Why would I want to go anywhere with you?” He says it so it sounds laughable.

It isn’t.

He wants to stop himself from speaking altogether.

The space in the lift feels like it could fill an ocean and Aaron tries to ignore it completely. The doors slide open slowly and Aaron goes to move out first, but Robert does, he nods slowly at Aaron like he’s realised something.

He doesn’t say a word. He just stares, and nods, and then he leaves.

Aaron watches him go, turn the corner and out the office building on his first day on the job, already having fucked it up for him. He backs towards the wall of the lift, grips hard on the bars and closes his eyes shut.


	2. A question of sorts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron is left surprised by robert in more ways than one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the feedback on the first chapter was amazing so thanks so much. i have a lot of plans for this fic so i really hope you continue to like where it's going. i'm having fun weaving canon into this! hope everyone is staying well and safe, happy reading!

It’s raining by the time he gets home; he’s had to park further than he wanted to and makes the point to Nigel as he passes through the main reception of the flats.

“You’re back late.” Nigel has this look on his face that changes when Aaron shows him the rings below his eyes and the way his shoulders sag. “I’ll leave you to it.” He gets back to his job and Aaron waits in another lift for what feels like ages until he’s unlocking the door and kicking his shoes off.

He can’t see Nathan, but he can hear him, he’s pottering around in the kitchen and Aaron feels this tightens set into his bones as he approaches. There’s a corner he has to turn to see him and he stares for a second before Nathan turns and spots him.

“You’re back late.”

Aaron nods. “Yeah I know.” He comes closer, kisses Nathan with this force that makes him ask what he’s done wrong. “Can’t I just want to kiss you?”

Nathan worries his brow. “You’ve never ever said that in your life.”

“True.” Aaron sighs. “Sorry I didn’t answer your messages. I ...” He stops himself, thinks of a pink tie and then clears his throat. “I was really busy.”

Nathan shrugs, but he looks tense about it. It stays that way until they’re both sitting across each other on the table and he’s looking into Nathan’s eyes.

“Anything happen today then?”

The question hangs in the air, he watches Nathan waiting for an answer and he decides to give him one. “Just the usual you know. I stayed late ‘cause I had to get this thing done.” He worries his lip. “That’s why.”

He stares down at his plate, pesto pasta and croutons sprinkled on the top, spinach darted around the place.

“This is good.”

Nathan’s eyebrow wriggles humorously. “I am a good cook you know. Well, better than you.”

Aaron laughs, feels this weight roll off of him and he’s left staring up at Nathan.

“I love you.”

Nathan looks at him like he’s mad. It makes the mood shift altogether and he doesn’t know what to do with his face.

“I know I don’t say it enough.” Aaron’s said it less than five times in two years and it’s not fair. It’s not fair that he jumps into bed with a random at the first sign of boredom, or trouble, or both.

Nathan frowns, he brings a hand across the table. “What’s brought this on?”

“Telling you I love you?” Aaron’s stumped. “I just do.”

Nathan bites his lip. “I love you too. We’re good aren’t we?” He says, and Aaron nods his head tightly before he feels Nathan pulling him into a kiss.

Their hands manage to travel, Aaron feels Nathan pulling him towards their bedroom and throwing off his top, pushing at Aaron’s trousers and making him almost fold over.

“Nath.” Aaron moans, eyes flickering up towards his boyfriend and then ease racing right through him. He places a hand on Nathan’s waist, presses their foreheads together and breathes out deeply.

“It’s me and you yeah?” Nathan’s heavy against him, sprawled out like a starfish and dick soft against Aaron’s stomach.

Aaron freezes around the way it’s said, around what exactly he even means. His throat dries up, he can only pant and pretend he’s still coming down from a feeling Nathan’s given him.

“Of course it is.” Aaron whispers, watches Nathan tilt his head up and smile. “Why would you ...”

Nathan shrugs. “No reason. I just — that stupid fight yesterday, the way you walked out, I couldn’t help but think ...”

Aaron’s eyes widen, pools of blue water filling and he wonders whether it’d be easy to that little niggle he had was correct.

“Hey.” Aaron says instead. “There’s no need. One night in my old room at that pub was more than enough.”

Nathan smiles this smile, brings a hand up towards Aaron’s neck and holds firm as he kisses him with this gentleness. Aaron lets the feeling surge through him, hears as Nathan drifts off naked against his skin and snoring lightly.

He has a hand against Nathan’s hair, it hovers as he catches sight of Nathan’s work shirt for tomorrow already hung up. He notices a pink tie and decides to close his eyes shut.

—

He’s up and dressed by the time Nathan’s rubbing his eyes and coming into the kitchen with his arms tight around Aaron’s back.

He turns, tells him to let go because he’s going to be late for work.

“It’s so early.” Nathan says, takes the coffee Aaron’s passed him and sits at the table with his legs crossed.

“Hmm yeah maybe to fancy web designers but not stupid sales assistants.” Aaron says, makes a jab at himself as always and it only gets Nathan frowning at him.

“You hardly slept last night.” It’s not even a question. He just says it and then waits for a reply.

Aaron doesn’t even have one, he just shrugs. “Didn’t I?”

“I could hear you tossing and turning.”

Aaron blinks. “Was that before or after you slid off me and hogged all the duvet?” He hears how domesticated it sounds, feels this buzzing in his ears and then breathes in steadily.

Nathan says something but Aaron hardly hears it because Leyla’s text him and it’s all he can see.

_ You do know the newbie is in here already? Working on your stuff I think. I’d hurry up if I were you. _

“Aaron?”

Aaron looks up, frowns a little and then mumbles something out about having to get to work.

“Why so urgent, it’s ages before you have to be ...”

“Yeah well I left Robert to deal with ...”

“Robert?” Nathan frowns slightly, sips at his coffee and tilts his head. “Who’s Robert?”

Aaron freezes slightly. “Oh. Just a new guy.” He nods his head over and over again. “Yeah. Uh. He started yesterday.”

Nathan pulls this face. “Never said.”

“Ain’t important.” Aaron shrugs.

“Well clearly. You’re going in early.” Aaron gulps hard. “You left him to do your work?”

Aaron doesn’t say anything.

“Aaron Dingle.” Nathan says, Aaron looks up and then sees Nathan’s laughing. His shoulders relax slightly as his boyfriend comes towards him. “That’s not very nice is it? Poor sod.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and Nathan slaps his arse. It makes Aaron jump up, push him off.

“Go. Help him out.”

Aaron still doesn’t say anything, he just nods and then kisses Nathan’s cheek before walking out the door.

—

He watches the sky turn from pink to blue on the way to work, the walk is brisk, but it still makes his head feel light and he really realises that he should have slept for longer than he did.

By the time he’s flashing his ID card and walking into the office he feels a little better. The feeling doesn’t last though, he looks up to see Robert working hard at his desk.

He wants to keep walking, feels this pit of guilt stretch over him until Leyla is spotting him, practically pushing him towards Robert’s desk.

“He’s been working flat out.”

He notices, sees Robert reading and highlighting something and he sighs. “Everything good?”

Aaron watches him look up. He notices that he’s wearing a pale blue tie, he stares and stares before looking at the way Robert looks at him.

“Fine.” He says, then looks away again. His jaw locks and Aaron’s stomach drops slightly.

“I think he’ll be here in a bit.” Aaron nods his head. “You could come in with me if you want.”

Robert looks up again. His whole demeanour is different. It’s frightening. “What?”

“The meeting.” Aaron’s trying here but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything. Robert just shakes his head, tells him to piss off with just his eyes. “Or not.”

Robert gulps hard, sighs inwardly. “Listen. There’s what you need for him. Finalised. Now I’ve got to go see Lawrence so ...”

He just ups and leaves and Aaron watches him.

—

The meeting goes well. He basically gets the bloke eating out of his palm and he suddenly realises that Robert’s made for a job like this.

He feels light for the first time in ages and finds himself trying to find where Robert is to let him know. He stops short when he sees him still in Lawrence’s office, laughing and joking away.

He finds himself sighing, turning away and calling Nathan on his lunch break instead. He’s sat in the park, watching some woman walking her dog and hearing the birds tweet.

Nathan’s droning on about having a quinoa salad for lunch and Aaron almost envies him. He doesn’t know why. The thought just settles and he’s suddenly jealous.

“Jimmy said you looked like you were looking for me.”

Aaron takes his feet off the bench and moves the phone from his ear. “I’m on the phone.” He says, before he realises who’s speaking.

Robert waves a hand out. “Oh. Sorry I ...”

“Nathan. I’ll call you back.” Aaron puts the phone down, watches it slide from down his trousers and fall on the gravel. He picks it up, wipes a hand over it before looking back up at Robert.

“Sorry.” Robert says again. He’s holding a coffee, it’s tiny in his hand. “Jimmy just said you were at my desk. So.”

Aaron blushes red, embarrassment creeping in slightly. He shrugs, keeps his head down. “Yeah. The deal worked out fine. He’s swapping over.”

Robert’s got a smile on his face out of nowhere, it’s shy. “Worked out then.” He says.

“Thanks to you.” Aaron says. “If I’m being honest.”

Robert pulls this face. “And if you’re not?”

Aaron stares up at him, doesn’t know what to actually say. “I’m being honest.” He settles on saying.

Robert nods slowly and then turns his head away.

“I’d tell Lawrence, but you looked _well_ in there already.” Aaron says.

“Spying were you?”

Aaron blinks quickly, shakes his head and then stands. “I just looked over.”

“When you were looking for me?”

Aaron’s eyes widen a little, Robert steps forward and then takes Aaron’s phone, holds it out in front of him.

“I think Nathan’d want that call back, break’s nearly over isn’t it?” Robert says, and then he’s turning and walking back to the office. Aaron sits slowly down on the bench again and runs a hand over his face.

—

“So he saved your arse then?”

Aaron’s downing a bottle of red wine and wincing the whole way through. Nathan’s got his legs on Aaron’s lap and they’re watching shit telly whilst they chat about their day.

“He didn’t exactly.” Aaron pulls this face, leans over to get some crisps from the bowl Nathan’s got tucked under his chin.

“Yeah right. You had no clue and he helped. Sounds like a mate.”

Aaron thinks it sounds ridiculous. He really does. He doesn’t say anything though, he just sort of stares and then pulls a face.

“He was doing his job.”

Nathan scoffs. “Sounds like he was doing your job.”

Aaron breathes in and shakes his head. “Can we stop talking about work?”

Nathan waves a hand out. “Fine with me.”

Aaron gulps hard, goes back to sipping his wine and then suddenly leans over to kiss Nathan. His hands fly through his hair as they kiss and roll on the sofa.

Nathan almost ruins it by complaining about having to hoover up the crisps that have spilled out onto the floor. Aaron doesn’t let him though; he buries his head into Nathan’s shoulder and closes his eyes to everything else.

—

He feels like he should apologise so he tries to. He gets Robert a coffee and a donut with bits of chocolate sprinkled on top and stops dead at his desk to offer them out the very next day.

Robert’s wearing this lilac tie, patterned with diamonds. He’s looking too closely. He looks away in time for Robert to see what he’s doing.

“I haven’t got time for a chat.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “It’s not a chat. It’s a coffee and a donut.”

Robert frowns. “Why?”

“Because you helped when you didn’t need to.”

Robert blinks. “Think I just did my job.” He stands, moves himself towards a stack of paper and Aaron rolls his eyes, bites his lip.

“Jimmy said you know Lawrence. He head hunted you.” Aaron blinks. “So you weren’t even showing off.” Robert stops. “Think we got off on the wrong foot.”

“You thought I was showing off?”

“Your coffee’s going cold.” Robert just stares down at it. “It’s a coffee. It ain’t poisoned. I promise.”

Robert pulls this face. “Don’t know what your deal is to be honest.” He’s honest and Aaron doesn’t expect it. He folds his arms over and Aaron finds himself gulping thickly. “You’d like us to get it on.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “What?”

“I asked if this is you wanting us to get on. You know. Be mates?”

Aaron feels like he’s coming down with a fever, blames the fact that he misheard on the way Dan is ripping apart a printer with his bare hands.

“Yeah.” Aaron says eventually. He passes over the donut, feels Robert’s hand brush past his and then he moves it away.

“Cheers. I’ll think about it.” Robert dips his head, confusion all over his face as Aaron walks away from. He shakes his head at Aaron as he watches.


	3. A discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron has a moment with robert, then ruins things between them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is a little angsty, we’re starting early, and is inspired by a certain wall shoving scene 
> 
> (thanks again for all the feedback and stay safe!!)

  
Nathan’s eyes are brown, he’s a lover of plaid shirts and dogs and Aaron’s loved him for nearly three years. It’s been a constant. It’s still a constant.

Aaron closes his eyes around it, hands are firm around him and Nathan’s snoring lightly again.

He’s a constant.

—

Aaron has his hands everywhere and Nathan’s not complaining. He’s pulling him into another kiss when Nathan pulls off of him and complains about having to go to work.

Aaron sighs hard. “Can’t you sack it off?”

Nathan looks at him likes mad. “No. I have to meet a client.” He says.

Aaron’s half naked and Nathan’s pulling his clothes on like he hasn’t even noticed. He just sighs and then he shakes his head. “Fine. Yeah. I’ll see you later yeah?”

Nathan stops, rolls Aaron’s head back as he kisses him and then he’s out the door and Aaron’s lying flat on his back and thinking too hard.

—

Nathan and him were meant to be going out somewhere nice for dinner and he cancels at the last minute. Aaron sits at his desk as the clock hits half five and he starts packing his things up.

“Want to make any more noise?”

He turns to see Bernice from Human Resources. She’s got this worried look on her face as soon as he scowls at her.

“Oh.” Bernice bites at her lip. “Sorry. I just ...”

“Did you need anything Bernice?” He thinks about when he first met her, and she tried to cleanse his aura. She’s good at her job though, Lawrence adores her in a way that more or less everyone thinks is creepy.

“The question is, do you?”

Aaron frowns. “Do I what?”

“You seem tense.” Bernice waves a hand out. “What about sharing why you’re tense.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Nathan cancelled dinner. That’s it.” He shrugs.

“Oh Nathan. Yeah I remember.” Bernice says. “The hair and ... a lover of Queen. I remember him at the Christmas do.” Aaron nods tightly and then pulls a face as he remembers that Christmas party dancing around like an idiot. “That wave you’re both riding still ... steady?”

Aaron goes to tell her he has absolutely no idea what she’s on about and then he sees Robert coming out of the lift with Lawrence’s daughter.

He remembers seeing her once or twice. She was all grey knitted suit and banging on about her salon empire that could rival anywhere within a hundred-mile radius.

He’s seeing her now and she’s laughing with Robert and he’s staring at her with this smile on his face. Aaron feels something thump hard in his chest.

Bernice sees him looking, mentions something about Robert getting very friendly sooner than she thought. It’s gossip then.

“They’re just chatting.” And it means something, it means Robert’s something he wishes he wasn’t. His head practically spins as he thinks about it.

“Hmm. That’s just about how it starts.”

Aaron tells Bernice to wind her neck in with just a look.

—

When he comes into work the next day Robert is in the staff kitchen talking to Jimmy and he looks like he’s in desperate need of an escape. He watches him for a few minutes and then heads towards his desk to mind his own business.

It stays that way considering he’s on the phone for half the morning and Robert is nowhere to be seen.

He almost forgets about him completely and then he’s heading back from lunch and seeing Robert in the office kitchen again. He’s in his own world, making a cup of coffee for himself and humming.

Aaron stares at him up and down, his eyes land on his arse and then he clears his throat to see Robert spin.

He’s wearing a pale yellow tie.

“Hi.” Aaron says, he brings a hand up towards his hair and then stands next to Robert to make a tea. He wants one suddenly.

“Hey.” Robert stirs his coffee in silence and Aaron stares at him.

“How you settling in?”

Robert nods, has this small smile on his face. “Yeah it’s fine. Lawrence is easy to handle.”

“What’s that mean?” Aaron crosses his arms over. “How’d you know him again?”

“I don’t think I’ve told you.” Robert acts like an idiot. It’s like he wants Aaron to think he’s mysterious. “He used to do business with the company I was at before. That’s all really.” He shrugs his shoulders.

“You obviously made an impression.” Robert gives him this look. “I mean ... for him to want you to have you here.” He feels like he’s babbling on and Robert doesn’t stop him, so he stops himself.

“Yeah. I’m good at making an impression on people.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “And being modest.”

Robert shrugs. “I did settle a deal the other day.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Mate that’s ...” He has a hand up and it hovers over Robert’s arm. Robert stares down, and then up at Aaron with this look on his face.

“Mate?” Robert’s whispering, eyebrow raised. He has a smile on his face and then it drops when Aaron keeps staring at him. His hand holds onto Robert’s arm and there’s this absolutely wave of something.

_ Fuck everything else, just do it.  _

_ Scratch the itch. _

He thinks of Nathan. He hasn’t done anything to piss him off, they’ve been fine, they’ve been more than fine. It isn’t the same.

He hears himself breathing, it fills the air around them and Robert’s head hangs close to his until he moves his hand away from his arm. Something snaps and Robert breathes in, it makes Aaron feel like his whole body is on fire.

Robert takes a step back. Aaron feels like his feet are glued to the floor and he clears his throat.

“I should ...” Robert nods. “I have so much work on.” He takes his coffee and then leaves the room.

Aaron nods. “Yeah.” He says, no one else around him. He feels like he’s just ran a marathon or something and he leans against the counter. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, everything just feels _wrong_.

“What was that about?” He looks up to see Leyla standing there, she’s holding a coffee and he has no idea what to say so he just panics.

“What? Nothing happened.”

Leyla rolls her eyes. “I could have sworn he looked at me.”

Aaron blinks. “Who?”

She comes in, her heels are louder than they should be as she whispers about Robert.

“So he looked at you.” Aaron blinks. “So what?”

“Just ... assessing the situation.” Leyla has this smirk on her face.

“Maybe there isn’t one.”

Leyla frowns.

“He could be gay.” Aaron shrugs. “You know.” Mainly because whatever happened in here about three minutes ago felt a lot like something heterosexuality would look funny at.

Leyla huffs. “You wish.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “I’m with Nathan.”

Leyla laughs like it’s all a massive joke. It makes him feel uneasy. “I’m messing.” She says.

She’s messing with him, she likes Robert, Nathan’s probably text him about what he wants for tea tonight.

Speaking of which, the one he’s just made has gone cold.

—

It’s been two days since and everything feels almost like it’s like it’s piling on top of each other because of work.

He’s hardly been home because of the chaos of finalising deals before the weekend and it’s starting to take its toll.

It doesn’t help that Robert is prancing around the place being himself. He’s got this way about him. It’s like it doesn’t matter how much of an idiot he is, how ruthless he manages to get, he can charm his way out of almost anything that’s thrown his way.

Aaron’s seen it. He’s watched as a client has stormed in ready to have Robert’s head on a stick and then five minutes later they’re laughing and Robert’s printing off paperwork for the poor git to sign.

“He’s impressive.” Jimmy had said the other day. Jimmy’s been around for donkeys and never said it about anyone new before so it must mean a lot. Aaron didn’t say anything back, he just let out this little nod and that’s all he wanted to say on the matter.

It’s like he wants to stop himself from thinking about him but at the exact same time he’s been trying to get Robert on his own for some reason or another.

He knows why. He doesn’t know why. It’s happening at the exact same time.

It keeps happening until there’s a tap on his shoulder. He look up and sees Robert staring at him. He’s got a pen behind his ear and his sleeves rolled up.

“Yeah?”

“Leyla was trying to ring your desk. Is it not working?”

Aaron tries to work the phone, hears it doesn’t ring out. “Nope. That’s probably why I didn’t hear.”

Robert keeps his eyes on Aaron. “Weird that.”

“Should call Finn about it actually.”

“Finn?”

Aaron goes to speak and then Robert laughs.

“I’m kidding. I remember your tour.” It feels like years ago. Aaron genuinely feels Robert’s been around for ages. “It was pretty decent.”

Aaron shakes his head and then smiles. “Yeah?” He asks and then Robert is nodding his head slowly. He’s not moving away at all. Aaron keeps looking at him. “Robert ...”

He doesn’t get to finish off whatever the sentence would have been. He’s thinking about it as he hears Leyla coming over. She eyes Robert up in the least subtle way ever and Aaron clears his throat to intervene.

“Was there anything you need help with or?”

Leyla frowns. “Me? No I ... I was just coming to tell you Nathan’s at the front desk.”

Aaron’s shoulders seize up a little and he worries his brow. “I ...”

“Meant to be a surprise or something.” Leyla looks at her nails, looks like she couldn’t give one shit about it and Aaron’s starting to know the feeling.

“Well where ...”

He hears him coming through, he’s wearing this brown battered jacket and has a bag over his shoulder that drops when he waves a hand out.

“Surprise.” He says, and it is. It’s surprising in a lot of ways. Aaron goes to speak again when Nathan leans in and kisses him square on the mouth.

He stumbles back slightly by the force, pushes back into it for a second and then his hand is waving about. “I didn’t expect ...”

“Surprise Aaron. Didn’t you hear him.” Leyla says, unhelpful as ever.

He wants to ask why but it feels wrong. He tries racking his brains over whatever he’s likely to have missed and then Nathan’s holding his hand and practically dragging him away.

“Wait I ...”

“Me, you and a very fancy hotel in Leeds.” Nathan says, hand on his hip. “I’ve sorted it with Leyla, the place won’t collapse if you take a long weekend off.”

Aaron bites his lip. “You’re mental. You know that.” He says, voice soft as he speaks.

“Your bag’s already packed in the car as well so ... you ready yeah?”

Aaron nods.

Nathan smiles into another kiss and they don’t look back. Aaron feels Nathan’s hand brushing past his and he thinks about how badly he might want to hold it. He doesn’t like PDA at the best of times and now it feels even more wrong.

They’re waiting for the lift, and Nathan is chatting away about how he’s booked them a place for dinner tonight too. He smiles at him before the lift arrives and he throws a glance towards where Robert was standing.

He realises that he’s still there. He’s still looking right at him like he can’t believe what he’s seeing.

Aaron with some guy, Aaron gay, Aaron with a boyfriend.

Things tick and tick and Aaron walks into the lift, dragging his gaze away as quickly as he can.

—

The place has a massive chandelier that casts this shadow of the room as they lay out on the bed. Aaron’s certain that Nathan’s falling asleep and he has a hand over his arm, strokes slowly and finds peace in the quiet.

He feels so lucky that it hurts. It feels like there’s literally something wrong with how right he feels. It gets this smile on his face, bright and soft and he decides to focus on this.

Nathan moves against him an hour later; the sky is pitch black and they’ve been laying here for what feels like days. He pokes his head up, runs a hand over Aaron’s bare chest.

“You good?” Nathan asks, his voice is croaky and slow as he speaks.

“Yeah. ‘Course.”

Nathan breathes in, smiles. “Sort of what I was looking for. I know I cancelled dinner plans. And then you’ve been ... working hard as well haven’t you?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Work’s been mad yeah.” He closes his eyes and then sighs. “Nothing I can’t handle though.”

“Yeah. If you get to fob it off to Robert.”

There’s something horrible about Nathan knowing Robert’s name. Just remembering his name and just chucking it in to conversation when they’re laying naked in bed together. He tries not to react to it.

“Very funny.” He says, after what feels like years of this awkward sticky silence.

“I’m just glad you’re more relaxed. I could tell, you’ve been a stress head.”

Aaron sighs.

“I know you.”

Aaron gulps hard. He does. Nathan knows him in this way that keeps him safe and sound and happy.

“I know.” Aaron says. “Work’ll be fine soon though.”

“Hope I can say the same thing too soon.”

Aaron frowns, doesn’t drop it until Nathan’s laying on his chest and talking about what he meant by it.

“It’s not even work, it’s Dean.” Nathan rolls his eyes.

Aaron tries to remember, thinks of some lanky lad older than both of them. “What’s he done?”

“It’s what he’s doing. More like _who_ he’s doing.” Nathan cringes, pulls this face and Aaron’s eyes widen.

“Ain’t he got a wife and kid?”

Nathan nods. “Yeah. Think he’s forgotten to be honest. He’s seeing someone we work with. I think her name’s Sharon.” He shrugs and then sighs. “Everyone knows as well.”

Aaron sighs. “He’s mental.” He says, tuts a little.

“Yeah. Mid-life crisis I think.” Nathan runs a hand over Aaron’s chest. “I mean an affair is bad enough but ... pretty close to home.”

Aaron stares blankly. “What do you mean?”

“Well he works with her don’t he? Just complicates everything.”

The thought bubbles up inside of him until there’s hardly anything else he can think about. He nods his head slowly in response.

—

Nathan drops him into work on Monday morning and Aaron doesn’t want to leave him. He’s unusually clingy and he sort of feels embarrassed about it but the weekend away has made them feel closer.

He can’t describe it; he just feels like everything is going to be OK if he focuses on exactly what he should.

Naturally, the feeling doesn’t last. He’s near the coffee machine in the main reception building scrolling through his phone when he sees Robert.

“Hey.” Aaron decides to say. He nods his head a little too as he speaks and puts his phone away.

Robert’s wearing his yellow tie. He’s still got his coat on and Aaron wonders how much hair wax goes through his hair on windy days like this. He almost wants to ask but Robert’s not even bothered acknowledging him. Instead, he’s started to walk away.

Aaron’s eyes widen a little because he was certain Robert was about to order a coffee but now he’s just walking out the building and Aaron’s following him. “Uh Robert? I was just ... did they not serve the right coffee today?”

Robert keeps walking but he keeps to Aaron’s pace, he has his hands in his pockets and his head down. He just nods like he doesn’t even want to speak and Aaron’s heart thumps.

“Did I miss anything after I ...”

Robert stops dead and turns to Aaron. “You know what? I want you to stay away from me.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “What?” It feels like this massive deal when he knows it shouldn’t. “What do ...”

“I mean ... don’t talk to me.” Robert says. He sounds angry, like something sharp and painful is twisting through his veins and making him _mean_. “Don’t try and make out we’re mates or whatever after I ...” He trips slightly on his words and Aaron thinks of Nathan. “Just leave me alone. Pretend I don’t exist.”

“I don’t know what you’re on about.”

He does know. He wonders if Robert saw Nathan pull over and drop him off too. He wonders if he saw them kissing in the car. He spent a weekend wondering how long Robert stood and watched after him and Nathan had got in the lift and left.

Robert’s eyes flicker and then suddenly Aaron’s being pushed against some wall art in the middle of the street. “I don’t know what you’re playing at.” He almost shouts and then he gulps hard. “Frankly I don’t care either. Just leave me out of it.”

Aaron stares at Robert, feels everything heighten and then it dies away again as Robert turns and walks back towards the office. He’s not even sure why there’s a smirk on his face.

He just knows it all sounds like a dangerous challenge he’s bound to give in to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is a biggie! i’ve already started on it and also planning out other chapters (well where i want the chapters to end) which will influence the lengths of the chapters quite a bit
> 
> anyways, thanks for reading!


	4. A reason for hazard lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron fakes a car break down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, massive thank you for all the comments. someone commented on the last chapter that it was helping them through quarantine which is literally why i started writing!
> 
> anyways ... i’m pretty certain this chapter is one people have been waiting for ...

  
Aaron remembers their first proper fight. It was about Aaron not opening up, it was about Nathan wanting him to share his thoughts and so quickly it made Aaron think he was sleeping with his counsellor.

He actually said it, and Nathan shouted something back about it feeling like he’s sleeping with a teenager and then they’d both screamed at each other over nothing.

Then Nathan had said he loved him.

And Aaron was bolting out the door and cheating on him with some random at a bar. He was cheating and he was hating myself and then it was over, out his system, _gone_ and he was back.

He needed a minute because things got too much, too hard between them. He needed a minute because things were too real, and Nathan loved him too deeply and he couldn’t breathe under the weight of everyone wanting him to be _happy_.

He needed a minute to sort out whatever’s always banging around in his brain.

Then he was OK until he had to take another, and another.

Until now.

—

Aaron opens his eyes to an empty side of the bed. He runs a hand up and down and notices that it’s still warm. There’s this thought swirling around in his head as he wonders where Nathan could be.

His alarm blaring next to him is enough to make him sit up straighter and hear the sound of the shower. It makes him smile and within seconds he’s knocking on the door and trying to get in with Nathan.

“What are you …”

Aaron’s got his hand so close to Nathan’s dick, but it doesn’t seem to be going very well. Nathan just looks surprised, and shocked, and like he doesn’t actually want to be doing any of this right now.

“What’s it look like?”

“Aaron. I’m in a rush.” He’s in such a rush that he ends up running a hand through his wet hair and grabbing the nearest towel he can find.

Aaron stays, pushes his back against the cold tiles and thinks so hard that he thinks his head is going to fall off. He thinks of rejection, being backed into walls and this itch that just needs to be fucking scratched.

He scratches it by himself, over the sound of the water pouring and until his dick feels like it’s about to fall off. After, he stops himself from thinking about blond hair and instead pulls a towel over himself.

Nathan’s already dressed by the time he comes into the bedroom. He’s got this look on his face like he’s sorry and it doesn’t take a second for him to be kissing Aaron. Aaron tries to deepen it; he feels like he’s concentrating so hard to get Nathan spread out on the bed but it doesn’t work.

Nathan laughs, pulls away and goes to get his tie on. “Seriously, I’ve got to go in.”

Aaron frowns. “It’s Saturday.”

“Yeah. But this has to be done as soon as.” Nathan holds up his tie and then takes it off, says something about not looking fancy on the weekend. He laughs again and Aaron just sighs deeply. Nathan notices. “Look, we can spend the whole day together when I get back.”

“I’m going to my mum’s. Remember?” Nathan had been an adult, put it in the calendar and now he’s all gutted he can’t go. Chas loves him, she thinks he’s absolutely perfect for her son and it makes things easier. It makes things easier and harder actually.

“I’m sorry. How can I make ...”

Aaron’s kissing him again and Nathan pushes away again when his phone goes off.

“You’ve been all over me recently.” Nathan says, he goes to get his shoes and Aaron stands half naked in his towel not knowing what to say.

“Is that a crime?” Aaron says eventually. He watches Nathan come back into the room with his shoes and he’s already shaking his head.

“No. I just mean ...”

“Mean what? You’re my boyfriend aren’t you?”

Nathan frowns. “Yeah. I wasn’t complaining. I was just ...”

Aaron rolls his eyes and starts getting dressed. He’s already dreading the way his mum is going to start banging on about things, but he’d rather be there than here.

Nathan eventually stops him; he comes forward and holds Aaron by the shoulders. “Is everything good?” It’s his catchphrase, it always has been. Aaron’s always left nodding his head slowly and trying to imagine the answer he wants to hear.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re tense.” Nathan says. “Talk to me.”

“About _what_?“ Nathan goes to speak, and Aaron moves away from him. “Look if I wanted to see a counsellor, I’d book one.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Are you being stupid on purpose?”

Nathan gives him this look, and Aaron feels like absolute shit against it, but he can’t help what’s spilling out of him.

“Why are you like this?”

The question makes Aaron look up, scowl, feel like he’s a _kid_. “Where’d you get off being Mr perfect?”

“Maybe the same place you get off absolutely losing your shit over nothing.” Nathan says, and Aaron’s back to not feeling sorry at all. Nathan gives as good as he gets, and then some more. “You’re acting like a child.”

“Because I don’t want to stand here _talking_.”

Nathan frowns. “Because you never do.” He bites back, he’s like a dog with a bone. “Maybe if I was someone else you would.” He’s angry, Aaron doesn’t want to really take in whatever he’s saying but then he mentions _Jackson_ and it’s their fight a couple of weeks ago coming up through the wood works.

“You’re jealous of a dead bloke. Do you get that?” Aaron thinks of Nathan’s hand in his, him telling him about killing someone and not paying the price and wanting the world to end. He thinks about Nathan being with him through everything, waiting, _loving_ from afar. He thinks about Jackson always being around even when he wasn’t.

Nathan looks stunned. “You’ve got something wrong with you. You know that.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he holds his breath. “Yeah. You.”

Nathan shakes his head and grabs for his coat. “This isn’t down to me. You’re the one with something _obviously_ going on in that head of yours and ...”

“Poor tortured Aaron coming out again is he?” Aaron feels himself spilling over, this anger and need for old arguments coming up over and over again.

Nathan rolls his eyes. “Well you said it mate.”

He did, and he didn’t mean it, but Nathan did, and it makes something inside him collapse.

“Will see.” Aaron whispers, pushes right past Nathan and leaves as soon as he can.

—

When he pulls up to the village he’s hit by how pretty it looks. He doesn’t come here often enough and there’s reasons why but now he can’t think of anything else but the sound of the birds and the way everyone seems to move at a snail’s pace.

He drives past the village cemetery and feels this need to stop again. He does. There’s no one around so he manages to switch the car off without getting beeped at.

There’s memories hitting him over the head for what feels like years until he’s blowing out a breath and thinking of things he’s told himself to forget. His shoulders tighten, his legs lock and he closes his eyes around everything before starting the car again.

He won’t get out and stare at headstones.

The Woolpack looks exactly the same despite his mum banging on about renovations. He hasn’t been here since Christmas and he’s missed it more than he cares to admit. The feeling doubles in size when he sees his mum behind the bar.

“Nathan parking round the back?” His mum pours him a pint, runs a hand through her newly cut hair just to show off and then frowns at him when he shakes his head.

“He’s got work on.” Aaron slides onto the stool, sips at the pint and avoids the way his mum is staring at him. “What?”

“Oh I thought ...” Chas shakes herself like she’s trying her hardest not to interfere. “Anyway. I’ve missed you coming up here.”

Aaron bites his lip. “So have I.” His mum looks like she’s never felt smugger. “Despite it being dead boring.”

“You lived here long enough.”

“And I moved away for a reason didn’t I?”

Chas scoffs. “Yeah ‘cause there’s too many ghosts.” She stops herself, eyes wide and he fidgets on the stool before he bows his head towards the bar. “So Nathan’s got a lot on work wise.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Yeah. Think so.”

“That doesn’t sound too good.” Chas says.

Marlon comes out and they have an awkward chat about his new pies on the menu. It gives him the chance to think of what he wants his mum to know. Eventually, Marlon gets back to the kitchen and his mum is giving him this look.

“Everything OK with you two?”

Aaron nods almost instantly. “Everything’s fine.”

“Like: it’s fine or wedding bells are ..."

Aaron looks up.

Chas pulls this face like she doesn’t know whether she’s wrong or not. He decides to put her out of her misery and then he’s stumped by how much he should know what he wants and doesn’t.

“You’ve known him for almost _five_ years.” Chas says, like it means they should be married and having sprogs by now. Maybe it should. Maybe it shouldn’t.

Aaron’s mouth flaps like a fish. “We’ve not ... we’ve not been together that long though have we? It took another two for us to actually be more than mates.”

Chas smiles and then looks like she’s trying to do calculations in her head. “So I just have to wait another two years?”

Aaron’s jaw clenches around this heaviness that’s weighed right down in his chest. He blinks out something and then sighs hard. “Why do you care so much?”

Chas looks insulted and he realises that he shouldn’t have been as direct as he was. He shakes his head, goes to say something and then she’s beating him to it.

“After everything you’ve been through.” Aaron doesn’t know how many times conversations have started with that sentence. “I just want you happy and I see that you are with Nathan. You’ve been happy since he’s come along.”

Aaron remembers sitting in his room every single day staring out the window, staring at the cemetery and just hating himself. He remembers Nathan coming into his life and flicking a switch, stubbornly making things better. There’s a hospital, and Jackson being _heavy_ around his heart and Nathan there.

There’s memories. There’s certainties.

“I know.”

Chas smiles. “When you know, you know.” She says, shrugging slightly and making Aaron’s shoulders freeze up.

“Yeah.” Aaron sips his pint and then stops again when Chas mentions how pokey Nathan’s place is. “You wanting us to move out of their too?”

“Find something bigger.” Chas smirks. “Too right.” She says, and then she’s clicking her heels around and pouring pints.

Aaron stays exactly where he is, eating crisps and trying to stop being so angry at Nathan and do something stupid. His mum’s busy for a while and comes back with this renewed sense of eagerness to know all about his life.

“I’m not missing anything.” Aaron tells her. “I’ve told you just about every new detail of my life.” He hasn’t because there isn’t the need to. He hasn’t because if he did she’d worry and make a big drama about everything.

Chas leans over, has a hand tight in Aaron’s suddenly and he doesn’t know where to look. He knows what’s coming.

“I just want to make sure you’re happy.”

“And if I’m not?”

Chas looks worried sick at the thought.

“Are you not?” Chas’ face falls. “You’re not ... not ...”

Aaron feels himself clam up, tries to hide himself for a second and then he sighs. “No. Mum, I’m fine.” He says, he promises. It’s mainly because he’s seen what him not being fine does to his mum. He’s been there, laying in a hospital bed and having hands on his hair and people crying over him. “I’m fine.”

Chas’ eyes flicker slightly, and she smiles. “I’m glad to hear it.”

“Oh don’t I know it.” The words disappear into Aaron’s pint glass and Chas gives him this look that makes him gulp hard.

He stays for another hour; he doesn’t get another grilling. Instead he hears about the latest village gossip, apparently a herd of sheep had nearly overtaken the village the other week. It was the talk of the police. Then a car crashed into David’s shop. That piece of information comes after.

“You keep looking after yourself.” Chas tells him, like he’s a baby. He rolls his eyes and she slaps his chest lightly. “I mean it, stay out of trouble you.”

Aaron nods his head, says goodbye and gets into his car ready to go home to Nathan. He’s still pissed at him, he’s not sure if it’ll go away anytime soon but it will because it always does. He always remembers how kind Nathan is, how he’d do anything for him. It eases something inside him.

It’s all good.

It’s fine.

The fact that he sees Robert Sugden coming out of a farm a few miles away from Emmerdale is something that isn’t fine.

—

He’s not seen him since he decided to shove him against the wall in broad daylight. The sight of him makes Aaron’s eyes widen under this feeling he can’t explain. He’s got this ticking in his head when he thinks about the way Robert was so angry at him. It was almost like this explosion; it was almost like he couldn’t hold it in any longer and Aaron knows the feeling.

He’s sitting in his car and Robert’s only a few cars in front as he turn out of the corner of this gated area. Aaron’s close enough to see the dirt on his wheels. He focuses in on it all and then he’s letting cars past him as he slows down. The cars keep passing until he’s alone on the road and Robert is directly in front of him.

Aaron breathes in and then stutters his car to a stop like it’s cut out on him. He watches as Robert’s car disappears ahead of him. He closes his eyes as the sound of Robert’s engine is lost in the breeze. Then he’s turning his hazards, pulling up on the side of the road and leaning back against the seat.

Aaron’s hands shake as he waits, car silent and knees bouncing.

He doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, Robert’s disappeared completely now, and he needs to stop chasing whatever the feeling is inside him. Aaron scratches at his eyebrow, goes to turn his hazard lights off and then he sees a grey car turning round. It’s coming back down the long curved road and stopping right in front of him.

Aaron holds his breath when he sees Robert step out. He’s not seen him wear casual clothes before, so he just stares. There’s a blue knitted jumper hugging at his arms, jeans baggier than Aaron expected. He wonders if he’s been helping at that farm he’s come out of. The thought confuses him, amuses him at the same exact time.

For a second Aaron’s struck by how little he knows about Robert. He never asked him questions when he first arrived, he watched and stared and then jumped down his throat way too quickly. Now, Robert’s walking towards him, running a hand over an expensive looking watch on his wrist and Aaron decides to reveal himself.

He steps out of the car and Robert looks stunned to see him. Aaron wonders so quickly if Robert would have even stopped if he had actually known who it was.

“What are you doing here?” Robert blurts out the words, face red and hands in his pockets as he starts to look around the fields and not focus on Aaron at all.

Aaron looks at his car, sticks his hand into the window and switches off his hazards. “Um. It’s just broke down on me. I’d fix it myself, but I don’t have ...”

“And you couldn’t call AA?”

Aaron blinks quickly. “I was just about to.” He says. There’s this beating hard in his chest and he gulps quickly as Robert stares at him.

Robert rolls his sleeves up slowly and Aaron takes it in, then Robert’s coming forward. “Let me take a look.”

Aaron shakes himself out of the staring. “What?”

Robert stops. “I used to be a mechanic.” He says, like it’s nothing.

“And a farmer?” Aaron puts his foot in it, thankfully it makes Robert give him this shy smile.

“You followed me?”

“No.” Aaron says. “No. My mum lives in Emmerdale so I was visiting.”

“Snap.”

Aaron frowns at him, watches as he gets to the engine and pauses.

“I was visiting my mum too before I head into the office.”

Aaron arches his eyebrow. “It’s the weekend.”

Robert frowns. “I’m new.” He looks down and then back towards where he came from. “She lives on that farm with my sister.”

Aaron nods his head slowly. “I’ve got a sister too.”

“Got a boyfriend as well.” Robert says coldly before pulling up the hood and sticking his head inside. “Looks fine to me.”

Aaron closes his eyes and steps forward, looks at the way Robert’s body is arched over the car. He stares at him, sees his freckles scattered across his face and the way the sun is lightening his hair.

“I know.”

Robert stops, looks up. “Know what?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he gulps. “There’s nothing wrong with the car.”

Robert huffs, lets out this little laugh as he shakes his head. He slams the hood down and goes to walk back towards to his car.

“Robert. Wait.” Aaron feels this panic hit him over the head and he tries not to sound as desperate as he feels.

Robert turns. “You’re right. There’s something wrong with you not the car.”

Aaron stops, thinks about the fact that he’s already heard all this from Nathan today. He shakes his head, watches his jaw lock as Robert keeps walking away from him.

“Why’d you stop then?”

Robert stops _again_ , he turns around slowly and arches an eyebrow up. “Because I thought some poor bloke had broken down on a country lane.”

Aaron steps forward. “And when you saw it was me. You stayed.” He closes the gap between them. “And I think we both know why you did.”

Robert’s eyes dart right towards Aaron’s lips and he breathes in like he needs air suddenly. Aaron keeps staring at Robert’s mouth, his steps grinding to a halt as Robert puts a hand on Aaron’s chest.

“Do I?” Robert whispers, he shakes his head and keeps blinking. “I don’t think I do.”

Aaron wants to hit him, kiss him, push him against the car all at the same time and it’s frustrating. It makes his legs shake slightly and he’s not sure he’s ever felt like this before.

Robert looks at him like he’s begging him to do something. He looks up into Aaron’s eyes and Aaron’s hit by greenness, he feels like he can’t move. So he doesn’t. Robert leans in, and he does too. There’s this heaviness suddenly and then he’s moving his head to the side and stepping out of whatever space he’s created between them.

Robert shudders, it’s like something has broken.

“No.” Aaron whispers. “I ...”

Robert gulps thickly. “Fine. Stay away from me yeah?”

Aaron watches him get towards his car and then there’s this sound of his own feet scrapping across the lane. It’s like he’s ice skating. One second his feet can’t move and the next he’s plunging straight towards Robert and kissing him. He manages to hold Robert firm, feels this click in his neck as he gets as good as he gives, and Robert starts pushing and holding at the back of his neck. Aaron brings a hand through Robert’s hair, pulls and drags and moans.

There’s this ticking in his mind, this feeling of _finally_ that he can’t escape from. It’s too much, it’s everywhere. It makes his hands feel like they’re on fire.

His feet are moving again, Robert is tugging hard at his waist and pulling towards his car. He’s not letting him go, kissing at his lips and then dragging a hand towards Aaron’s waist.

The feeling makes Aaron pull back sharply. He stares at Robert’s swollen lips, the way the sun is hitting his face again. He thinks about the fact that it’s a Sunday afternoon and Robert is more than happy to have sex with him in the back of his car.

He almost gives in. Almost.

“What?” Robert whispers, he brings a hand up towards Aaron’s face too delicately.

Aaron pulls away, he has to pull the fuck away from all of this. “I can’t.”

“Don’t go.” Robert says it so easily. Aaron’s never seen him look so serious before.

“I have to.” Aaron says, he’s trying to catch his breath and Robert and his dick are making it hard to leave as he still stands pressed against him.

Robert frowns at him. “Aaron.” He just says his name and it’s too much. This isn’t like all the other times. This isn’t a bed and the sun hasn’t set and Robert isn’t a stranger.

He’s Robert. He’s standing right in front of him.

Aaron pulls out of the hold Robert has on him, physically. He untangles himself and pants as he gets to his car and tries to fumble in his pockets to find his keys. Robert follows him, he’s so intent on making this even harder.

“You wanted that.”

“No. I ...” Aaron stares up and tries in vain to make Robert understand. He can’t get his words out. Robert takes advantage of it. He comes even further towards him.

“Is that about him?” Robert says. “Nathan? You weren’t thinking about him when ...” He stops himself as Aaron finds his keys. “Aaron. Just wait a second.”

Aaron huffs out a sigh, tries to get into his car and then Robert’s hand touches his shoulder. He turns, pushes Robert against his car and feels this absolutely hatred spilling out of him.

_ Why can’t you just do one? _

Robert looks up, still breathless. “I’m sorry. I just ...” He stops himself and then gives this soft smirk when he feels Aaron against him. He dares to stare down. Aaron wants to wallop him.

He doesn’t though, he pushes him aside and gets back in his car instead. He tells himself not to watch him in the wind mirror.

He absolutely fails at that as well.

—

Aaron turns his car engine off and looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes are wide and alert, blue and cold. He wonders if Nathan’s going to notice that they’re redder than usual. He wonders if he’ll notice anything.

He pulls a hand towards his mouth and breathes in, and then out again before wiping hard. The sound of his arm dragging across his beard feels the space for a few seconds before he stops himself again.

Aaron takes a second, and then another before walking towards the flat and finding Nigel sitting at the front desk with this odd look on his face.

“You look like you’re about to be sick.”

Aaron looks up. “I’m fine.” He smiles, he feels shaky as he gets to the lift. “You?”

Nigel nods slowly. Aaron remembers when he first met him, how he reminded him of Paddy but without the glasses. He’s always been _there_. “How’s Nathan?”

Aaron blinks. “Great.” He says before getting into the lift and waving a hand up as the doors close. He doesn’t know when he became such a liar, but he doesn’t know if he can ever stop now. It’s like he does it without even thinking.

Nathan’s sitting there on the sofa when he gets in and he stands to attention, all nervous as he moves. “Hi.” He’s even turned off the telly.

“Hi.” Aaron says, he closes the door slowly and kicks his shoes off.

“How was Chas?”

“Normal self.” Aaron shrugs. “Said to say hello as always.”

Nathan smiles. “Still likes me then.”

“If that’s your way of asking if I told her we had a fight. Then no. I didn’t.” Aaron knows he’d never tell her about anything to do with them. She’d catastrophise everything and he’d end up having to bury down all this stuff he shouldn’t.

Nathan comes towards him. “You’re later than I thought you’d be. I made dinner.”

Aaron shakes his head; he hasn’t actually looked at him yet and he plans on keeping it that way. “I need a shower.” He says but Nathan holds at his arm suddenly. “Nath.”

“I just — where did you go?”

Aaron squints at the judgement, head down towards the floor. “I told you.”

“You just said ... when you said ‘will see’ I just didn’t ...”

“I had a bit to drink.” Aaron lies.

“And you drove home?” Nathan takes his hand off his arm and then sighs. “Seriously?”

“No.” Aaron stammers. “That’s why I stayed for longer, wore it down with something to eat.”

Nathan nods slowly at him and stares in silence. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I’m sorry.”

Aaron’s heart thumps. “So am I.” He whispers, and then there’s Nathan’s hand on the back of his neck. He closes his eyes around it.

“I’m always going to be here for you. You know that right?” It almost comes out of nowhere but it’s enough to make Aaron nod and then he’s suddenly pushing forward and kissing Nathan breathlessly.

This time Nathan doesn’t mention work, he doesn’t say anything actually until Aaron’s got him sprawled out on the sofa and they’re panting.

“Forgiven then?” Nathan smirks, hand in Aaron’s hair.

Aaron nods faintly. “Yeah.”

“Good.” Nathan whispers.

“I’m sorry too.”

“You said that already.” Nathan says. Aaron blinks out something and knows exactly what he’s saying without saying anything at all.

“I shouldn’t fly off the handle like that.” Aaron says, after Nathan asks him what’s on his mind.

“Sort of why I love you. Pretty sexy sometimes.”

Aaron breathes in, smiles.

“I know you don’t mean it. I know you better than you think Aaron.” Nathan kisses his head and Aaron almost can’t handle.

He suddenly rises up.

“Where are you ...”

“I’ve only gone and left my phone at my mum’s.” Aaron rolls his eyes and finds his top. “I won’t be long.” He says, before getting his shoes back on.

He’s gone before Nathan has his breath back to say anything.

—

It’s five minutes after six when he walks into the office. There’s no one else around and only a single desk lamp light on when he approaches the floor he works on.

Aaron’s not even sure Robert is here but he still tries looking. He walks slowly towards his desk and then breathes in deeply before seeing him. He’s sat at his desk, crouched over and typing away like his life depends on it.

Aaron doesn’t know what to say so he just stares until Robert is spotting him and sliding off his chair. He’s walking away from him before Aaron can follow.

“I thought I told you to leave me alone.” Robert says, he’s thundering through the place like he owns it.

“I know.” Aaron says. “But I wanted to ...”

Robert sighs, gets towards the printing room like if he stays put Aaron will eventually do one. He won’t. He’s not going anywhere.

“What? Piss me about a bit more?”

Aaron frowns. “No.”

Robert’s jaw tightens and Aaron stares, twitches and feels heat rise to his cheeks. “You know for a second I thought it was ‘cause you weren’t out, or comfortable with yourself, or whatever.” His hands flap about. “But then I remembered, the _boyfriend_.”

Aaron frowns, looks his jaw. “What’s he got to do with this?”

Robert goes to move, pushes past Aaron and then stops when Aaron’s hand is on his chest.

“Just go.” Robert whispers to him.

“Fine.” Aaron gulps hard, steps back. “But first I want to know one thing.” He says, moves forward again and lunges straight for Robert’s mouth for the second time today.

Aaron’s pushing him against the boxes in the room and holding Robert tight by the waist. His hands rise up Robert’s arm as he tries to feel more of him and this time he doesn’t try and pretend like he isn’t enjoying himself. He moans, feels Robert press further into him and then suddenly Aaron’s palming at Robert’s jeans and he’s on the floor.

He’s on the floor and looking up at Robert and everything quiets down for a little while.

—

Aaron pulls his jeans up and stares at Robert whilst he tries to find his shirt. It’s flung out over a printer and he walks towards it slowly to retrieve it.

“Could have broken that.” Robert looks at the printer and laughs nervously as he buttons up his shirt. “Good thing we didn’t ...” Aaron gulps hard, thinks of what they did and didn’t do until he feels like his head is about to fall off. He sees that his hands are shaking a little as he stares at the swelling he’s caused on Robert’s inner thigh. “You good?”

Aaron blinks, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Robert gulps. “I was just making ...” He stops again and breathes in deeply when Aaron gets towards the door. “Going then?”

Aaron turns. “Not just going to stick around.”

“Yeah. That’d be crazy.” Robert blinks out gently but his shoulders look tense. “What with you coming here to find me and all that.”

Aaron’s back to wanting to smack him. “Got what I wanted.”

Robert’s face is still flushed, and his hair is a mess. He arches an eyebrow. “Yeah?” He still looks nervous, runs a hand through his hair. “So I ...”

“I need to go.” Aaron says. They both do really considering that it’s too late to be in the office and the cleaners are going to start poking about.

“Do this often? Trade blow jobs for hand jobs in the print room.”

Aaron scowls. “You don’t know me mate.”

“I’m a mate now?”

“No.” Aaron says, he backs towards the door. “No. You’re not.” He gulps hard around something. “You’re nothing and this was a mistake.”

Robert shakes his head. “You said that earlier.” Aaron goes towards the door and Robert comes closer. “And yet you still came here.” He whispers, it’s like his voice is gravel or something and it drags Aaron towards him. “Aaron.”

Aaron steps out of Robert’s weird hold over him and then shakes his head. “Get over yourself.” He says. “This was nothing and I meant it.”

Aaron almost bolts out of the place; he’s still panting hard as he gets down to the lobby and out the doors. He’s smacked by fresh air and a full moon and he blames things he shouldn’t for what just happened.

This was a mistake, he tells himself, over and give again and the feeling manages to stick.


	5. A blip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron struggles to avoid robert and what happened the day before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again thanks sooooo much for all the comments and kudos left for this fic. hopefully you enjoy this chapter too!

Robert’s alarm wakes him up before he’s ready. He stirs a little, starts rubbing at his eyes before sitting up on his bed and staring at himself in the mirror ahead of him.

He looks tired, he looks like he hasn’t slept and it’s because he hasn’t. He’s been thinking and thinking, and he absolutely hates himself for giving Aaron the time of day but that’s what he’s doing.

He’s giving Aaron space in his head; he’s letting him stand there with grumpy look on his face and make everything more complicated than he thought his new job would ever be.

Almost instantly, Robert decides he isn’t going to. He gets out of bed, jumps in the shower and picks out pale green tie whilst sipping on coffee.

He’s almost out the door when his sister rings him. She’s asking him if he’s OK and he doesn’t give himself time to even question it.

“You saw me yesterday.”

“Well mum was there.” Vic knows him, she knows him more than his brother does obviously but even without him in the picture, she’s always in his head when he doesn’t want her to be. “You seemed distracted.”

“I’m not.” Robert says quickly. “I’m just ... I’ve got a lot on with work.” He stares at himself in the mirror again, phone glued to his ear as he runs a hand through his hair. He’s not even sure why he’s bothering with any of this, trying to look presentable.

He’s almost ninety-nine percent sure Lawrence wants to take him to a fancy hotel on the promise of a meeting and then just close the curtains. In short, he doesn’t have to make an effort for him. He doesn’t have to make an effort for anyone.

He closes his eyes and then thinks of Aaron again. He’s never felt so frustrated by someone in his life.

“How was yesterday?” Vic pauses. “With work?” She tries to clarify, only it gets him thinking of Aaron’s hand on his dick and himself buckling over against how good it felt.

“Yeah. Fine.” Robert’s voice sounds as light and unbothered as he can make it.

“You’d tell me if it wasn’t, right?”

Sometimes Robert wonders how much his little sister can act as his older sister sometimes. She’s always worried, always concerned and he knows that it’s because he upt and left for town life the way he did. It was either that or stay with his brother and his new wife and memories of an affair that fucked everything up for everyone. All of that sits on top of his dad dying and the way it’s made everything harder.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Robert turns the tables, does what he’s meant to be good at doing.

Vic makes this sound, practically squeaks. “My food van is rocketing actually. So I’m all good.”

Robert smiles.

—

Aaron’s left earlier than he needed to. He’s already in work by the time most people start piling in and he’s sat staring at a blank screen and then the picture of him and Nathan.

He remembers when it was taken, how he felt. A hand grazes over it for a second and the thinks back to the way he gave Nathan the brush off this morning.

He had a headache; it was a lie that really wasn’t one. It was a lie followed by more lies when he was sitting cross legged at the kitchen table, sipping a tea and biting down into toast. Nathan had walked in, chatting away about things Aaron wasn’t listening to.

He only turned around when Nathan spoke louder and then he’d heard him mention how pokey it was in the flat. Aaron gulped hard, wondered if his mum had spoken to him about moving to somewhere bigger. He’d tried to talk his way out of lying but the conversation ended with a promise of talking more about it later.

Aaron looks back towards his phone now, sees that his sister’s sent him a meme that makes him send a few laughing emojis back to. It makes him smile for a second and then he’s back to thinking of how weird he feels.

He knows he didn’t want to touch Nathan last night or this morning, he knows that it was guilt that made it like that. He also knows that whatever happened between him and Robert wasn’t anything he’d ever tried to get involved with before.

Aaron’s lost in the thought for a second. He closes his eyes and remembers how stupid he’d been, how he’d left it all between them.

The thought stays put until he watches Robert coming into the office with Bernice. They’re laughing, Robert looks like he’s not bothered in the slightest about seeing Aaron. Aaron doesn’t know if he should be relieved or not.

“There’s not a lot else I can say is there? If she doesn’t want her mother embarrassing her than I’ll just have to leave her to it but –” Robert stops walking abruptly and Bernice gets the hint as she disappears down the hall and Robert sits at his desk slowly.

Aaron watches him, keeps watching him until he’s being slapped with some work on his desk and Jimmy is babbling to him about if he had a good weekend.

“It was alright.” Aaron says. He holds everything in so much that he feels like he’s going to explode.

Jimmy has a scary wife and too many kids and Aaron tries to sound as interested as he can be about the fort they built yesterday.

“It was higher than Angel though it’d be.” Jimmy nods, stretches his hands up high to show Aaron what he’s on about.

“Fascinating.”

Jimmy pulls this face. “Well I’m _sorry_ , what were you up to yesterday then?”

As soon as he gets the words out, Robert walks past slowly with an empty cup of coffee in his hand. Aaron stares right up at him, eyes wider than they should be and then he’s looking away and Robert is walking towards the kitchen at the end of the office block.

“Nothing much.” Aaron says. He’s taken too long to reply so Jimmy just nods and gets back to his desk without giving anything a second thought.

Aaron finds himself walking towards the kitchen. Robert’s making himself another coffee and he has his hands drumming against the counter as he waits.

Robert senses him, turns slowly and then back round again like he hasn’t seen him. 

“I won’t be a minute.” Robert says. He moves towards the coffee machine and then pours the hot liquid into his cup.

Aaron just keeps staring at him by the door. He’s not saying a word and Robert wants to shake him until he does.

“Yeah whatever.” Aaron eventually says, he looks towards the fridge and sticks his head inside it like it’ll cool him down.

Robert doesn’t hang about, when he looks up again, he’s gone and Leyla’s strutting past with this look on her face like she’s a detective.

“That was frosty.”

Aaron pulls away from the fridge and shrugs. “What was?”

Leyla head’s for the cupboard, pulls out her secret stash of biscuits despite her cries of being on a diet. She takes two and then squints at Aaron. “You and him. Thought you were mates.”

Aaron plays with the lid of the milk he’s usefully decided to hold. “As if.” He says, he stares at Robert through the window and sees him walking slowly back to his desk.

“I think you were right by the way.”

Aaron tilts his head. “About what?”

Leyla looks out towards the office and then scoffs another biscuit before whispering, “Him being gay.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Really?”

“Well I’m right here and he doesn’t seem to be trying anything does he?”

Aaron shakes his head; he’d laugh if he couldn’t still remember the way Robert’s hands were tightly around his hair about twelve hours before.

“Yeah. Maybe you’re on to something.”

—

Robert decides to leave earlier than normal, he’s going round his mum’s for tea and that means stopping off somewhere to get her a bottle of wine or flowers or something. He thinks about her asking him how his day has been, he doesn’t think he has it in him to tell her he spent hours avoiding the bloke he had a thing with the day before. The thought is constant until he’s actually walking towards the lift, watching it open and seeing Aaron standing inside.

He’s got a backpack on, black cap too and Robert wonders if he’s going to the gym or something. He’d ask if he cared.

Instead he gets in and clears his throat. He doesn’t know if things between them after last night are never _not_ going to be awkward, all he does know is that he’s got about a million and one questions to ask Aaron and he knows he won’t be getting any answers.

Robert tenses slightly as he moves to press the G button and then Aaron beats him to it. For a second, their hands touch and Aaron yanks back like he’s been electrocuted or something.

The space between them grows smaller again and Aaron breathes in hard. It’s loud enough for Robert to hear.

“Something wrong with my hand?”

Aaron seizes up. “What?”

“You pulled away like I was ...” Robert looks at him. “Never mind.”

Aaron chews his lip as the lifts doors open and no one walks in. They wait for a few seconds before the doors close again.

“Last night ...” Aaron says. “It doesn’t mean ...”

“Mean what?” Robert turns his whole body towards Aaron. He moves to crowd his space entirely and Aaron’s eyes are heavy and round like saucers as he leans towards him too.

Aaron shakes his head and then he’s cupping Robert’s face tightly and pressing him against the wall. They hit about a million different buttons as Aaron pushes at Robert’s back and then holds his waist firmly. It’s frantic and lost and desperate and then Aaron’s seeing sense and pulling away again.

“I can’t.” Aaron has a hand over his mouth and stares at how his left Robert almost starry eyed. He doesn’t want to look. He averts his eyes quickly and then finds them drifting right over again.

He’s never kissed someone in a lift before. It’s the only thought on his mind strangely enough. It’s there until Robert is puffing his chest out, rolling his eyes.

“Can’t or don’t want to?”

Aaron sees Robert clearly turning on the charm; his eyes flutter and there’s this smirk on his face like he knows something that no one else does. It’s annoying, it’s maddening, and Aaron knows that he won’t get swept up in his suave Prince Charming routine.

“Stop that.”

Robert pulls this face. “Stop what?”

“Being — pulling that face. Looking at me like that.”

Robert sticks a hand in his pocket, exudes all this coolness that Aaron feels he can’t even begin to try and understand. “Like you’ve just stuck your tongue down my throat again?”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut, watches as they start travelling up instead of down thanks to his antics. He breathes in, holds his breath before almost starting the conversation again.

“Leyla knows you’re gay.” Aaron just blurts it out and Robert stares at him, confused. “She says it’s because you’re not looking at her, but I think it might be because ...”

“Because?”

Aaron squints and then he’s suddenly looking like a tomato. “Because of you looking at me like _that_.” It’s all the undressing Aaron with his eyes thing that’s makes it difficult to breathe. “I’m just saying. I don’t want her knowing what ..."

“Why? Don’t matter does it? It was nothing.” Robert looks at Aaron up and down slowly. “That’s what you said.”

Aaron bites his lip hard. “Yeah.” He says. “That’s what I’m still saying.”

“So that kiss was ...”

Aaron’s face is still bright red and he shakes his head as quickly as he possibly can. “Exactly.” He says. “Nothing. I ... sorry.”

“Sorry you can’t carry it on or sorry I got the wrong end of your very confused emotions?” Robert looks like he’d be some sort of shrink. Aaron rolls his eyes and then stares at his pale blue tie and then up again into his eyes.

Aaron goes to reply when the doors open, and he realises that they’re finally on the ground floor. He looks towards Robert and watches as he practically marches out of the lift.

Robert doesn’t say anything, just walks a little faster so he’s not standing close to Aaron anymore. It’s like he can’t help but want to be as far away from him as humanely possible. Then, without warning, he turns around.

Aaron looks at the redness around Robert’s mouth, the crinkle to his white shirt that he’s caused and the way his hair is sticking up slightly from his hands running through it.

“And I’m not gay.”

Aaron gives him this look. His eyes are wide, and his face reddens again, _this_ is the last thing on the planet he needs.

“I like men and women, you know, bisexual.” Robert says, shoulders pushed out as he speaks and then he almost folds back into something that Aaron can’t quite explain. “Not that it means anything to you.”

Then he turns back around and leaves Aaron with his mouth hanging open a little.

—

He buys a bottle of white wine and nearly sees it off on the way there. He’s not even sure why he’s getting himself so worked up about Aaron, but he knows that they should never have done what they did. Not in that lift and definitely not last night.

It’d be easy to go through the list of reasons, he’d be here for days if he did. The top one is that they’re desks are exactly opposite each other so whenever he raises his head he sees Aaron’s big one staring right back at him.

“Twice in a row now.” Sarah comes towards him with this warmth that makes it hard to stay preoccupied. She’s got oven mitts on and hugs him loosely before taking a Shepard’s pie out the oven.

“How’d you mean?” Robert asks, setting the bottle of wine down and removing his coat.

Sarah frowns. “Yesterday and now today. You should have just stayed here.”

“I had work, remember.” Robert twitches as he thinks about it, then she’s asking about how it was yesterday and he just has to nod his head.

“They’re treating you well though?” Sarah’s always going to have this fierce protectiveness about him. He’s not sure he knows what’ll make her see him like she does Andy and Vic. “I’ll raise hell if they aren’t.” She’s only half joking.

Robert rolls his eyes. “I’m not a kid mum.”

Sarah nods, she knows, and he knows but it doesn’t change things. He catches himself staring at her arms, force of habit taking over considering they’re talking about him being young.

“Doesn’t mean I can’t tell you to set the table though.”

Robert washes up for her once they’re done and she rabbits on about Vic doing so well and then even tries to shoehorn Andy into the conversation like it’s possible. She did this yesterday, he tolerated it yesterday. He can’t have it two days in a row.

“Mum. Water. Bridge.”

Robert scrubs over a plate harden than necessary.

“He might not want to see you. But he needs you. We all need each other. Always have, but especially now your dad isn’t here.”

Robert shakes his head against the sentiment until he’s suddenly nineteen again and Katie is right there and he’s blowing things up.

“When someone shouts in your face how much they don’t, that sticks mum.”

Sarah sighs. “That was years ago.”

“Yeah it was. It was years ago and so was everything else.” Robert blinks and then leaves the washing up to come closer to his mum. “I know it’s hard for you, us not ... but it’s better this way.”

Sarah doesn’t say anything for a second. “It’s Andy I’m talking about you know, not Katie. I know you’ll never see ...”

“What, eye to eye?” Robert arches an eyebrow and gets back to plunging his hands in soapy water.

Sarah tuts. “He loves you, deep down. You know that.”

It’s annoying that he does. It makes everything harder and messier and thoughts get stuck and twisted in his head. It’d be so much easier to pretend like Andy’s always hated him, that as soon as their parents split and the fire was over with and their dad was dying, he hated him completely.

“I know.” Robert says. “But there’s no point in forcing things is there? If it works out it works out.” He shrugs.

Sarah gives this sad smile. “Are you happy?” She asks, it’s so out of the blue that he doesn’t have something ready to fire back. His reluctance makes her look at him with wider eyes. “Love, you can tell me anything.”

“I’m good.” Robert says slowly. It’s not really a lie either. He’s got a nice flat and a job he enjoys and a family who love him. “I’ve got you haven’t I?”

Sarah smiles. “Always. You know that.”

Robert nods out something back.

—

Aaron drags his coat off and walks towards the sofa before slumping down on its head first. He doesn’t even know why he’s so tired, but it’s hit him like a tidal wave and he’s blaming a particular person.

He must have dozed right off because when he wakes up again, Nathan’s running a hand over his hair and sitting next to him on the sofa. Aaron watches how worried he looks, how the telly is on as low as it can be.

“Sleepy bones.” Nathan teases. Aaron looks up and smiles gently at him before sitting up and bringing his knees up towards his chest. “Tough day?”

Aaron freezes as he sees Nathan. It’s like he’s being hit by something right in the gut. “Sort of. Just a bit wiped out.”

Nathan nods and Aaron notices how disappointed he looks. He doesn’t understand and then he sighs, remembers what he said this morning.

“I haven’t forgotten.” Nathan turns to him. “About what you said ... about finding somewhere bigger.”

Nathan smirks, his whole face lights up and Aaron feels so good. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Aaron says. He stares a little and then Nathan kisses him gently. Aaron pulls away slowly. “Just maybe not right now. I’m knackered.”

“Hmm. I blame that Robert.”

Aaron stops suddenly and looks up. “You — you what?”

Nathan’s turning the telly up and settling further down on the sofa. He looks across at Aaron. “Hmm? That’s his name right? The new kid?”

Aaron just stares. “He ain’t a kid. He’s ... he’s older than me I think.”

“You don’t know?”

Aaron bristles as he stands. “Why would I? We’re not mates.”

“Oh. Right.” Nathan says. “Well ...”

“I’m going to get a shower and have an early night.” Aaron regrets what he says as soon as Nathan gives him this look. “I mean ... yeah I’m just shattered.”

Nathan looks half disappointed and then gets his laptop out. “Alright. I’ll be in soon.” He says. Aaron gets up, walks towards the door and watches Nathan before he heads towards the bathroom and closes the door shut with a click.


	6. A single letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron gives in to temptation (again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another update for you guys, hope you’re all doing well and keeping safe. happy easter if you celebrate too. hope you enjoy what this chapter has in store!

Aaron looks up and sees Robert instantly. He’s hunched over on his desk looking through things and there’s a pen between his teeth as he nods his head slowly like he’s taking all the information in. He looks up at Aaron and then instantly looks down again. He’s shaking his head, looking like he’s been disturbed or something.

Aaron can close his eyes and feel Robert’s mouth on his, the way he didn’t hesitate to pull him in for more. It was like he felt whatever it was too. Then he was back to being smug and making Aaron feel like he wanted to stay well aware from him.

The feeling grows even stronger when he listens in to Robert’s conversation with Lawrence. He shouldn’t but he does, and it makes him think that Robert’s very much like the old git. He feels this feeling get caught right in his throat and he realises that he can’t trust him. He can’t trust anyone really.

It’s the way he’s always viewed things. People look out for themselves at the end of the day. It’s exactly why he’s never ever seen himself as the type of person who’d go off with someone, live in this bubble of an almost separate life whilst he’s got someone at home waiting for him.

It’s never made any sense until right now. It’s sort of all he can think about until he’s going back to the fact that Leyla’s started calling Robert slippery and he’s sure he’s hears someone say he’s like a snake in the grass when it comes to business deals.

Aaron soaks up all the information and comes back to one very clear conclusion.

Robert’s bad news. He should stay away.

—

Aaron’s got twelve links open on his laptop and he’s meant to be reading up on a new client joining the firm. He’s pretending like he is, typing when he sees someone walk past and then stopping as soon as work dies down again.

He’s too engrossed to notice the head near his shoulder at just gone four. It makes him jump and then he realises that Bernice is just smiling at him.

“Properties in the local area.” Bernice practically pulls up a chair and looks at the computer. “How many rooms?”

Aaron wants to tell her to do one, but something stops him, if he’s being honest, he could do with talking to someone who isn’t Nathan about all of this. It’s sort of become all he goes on about and it’s making things difficult. Well that and Robert.

Aaron shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know.”

“Well is this a proper _family_ home you’re looking for. I’m presuming it’s you and Nathan taking that next step.” Bernice sticks a pen in her mouth, pretends she’s Columbo as she spots the picture of him and Nathan still perched on his desk.

Aaron pauses at her words. “Next step?”

“Moving in, getting _engaged_ , kids.” Bernice could go on, he knows it, so he tries to stop her.

“OK. Hang on a second.” Aaron says, his voice is quick and he can’t catch up with himself but Bernice is saying too much.

“Why?”

“Because we’re just looking for somewhere bigger.” Aaron says. “That’s all.”

Bernice looks at him like he’s this little naive eight-year-old. “Oh Aaron.” She even squeezes his knee. “Whatever you say.”

She leaves him after that, sticky note pressed down on his desk telling him to print off some papers for Lawrence before he leaves.

The conversation unsettles him and he’s not totally sure if it should. He gets ride of a few properties, the expensive ones, the ones too far out and definitely the ones that have more than two bedrooms. Aaron hasn’t thought about the future since he was a teenager, he has his reasons and he was certain that Nathan, more than anyone else in the world, understood that.

By the time the office is clearing out for the day, he’s down to about four and his head hurts from staring at pictures of beige coloured living rooms and blue bathrooms.

Before he leaves, he makes his way towards the printer room and then stops when he sees Robert inside. He stares at his back, then lowers his eyes before lifting them up to his head again. He’s photocopying, it’s taking an age and Aaron’s bored of being stuck outside waiting for him to finish. He’s been avoiding him for obvious reasons and is he’s walking right back into the lion’s den when he pushes through the door.

Robert doesn’t say a word when he comes in. He just turns, stares and then stops the printer like he’ll finish what he’s doing later on.

“All yours.” Robert says, pulling his stack of paper into his chest.

Aaron stops looking around the room, registers what Robert is actually saying and steps forward into his space just as Robert leaves it. He’s by the door before Aaron is building up this courage to speak.

“It was a mistake.”

Robert stops, turns. “What?”

“What happened. In here. It was just a stupid spare of the moment thing.” Aaron tells himself, tells Robert. “No need to act like we’re sworn enemies.”

Robert pulls this face. “I’m just getting on with my job. You’re the one being weird.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “How?”

Robert goes to speak and then just shakes his head. “You know what, I haven’t got the time to tell you how to _not_ look at someone you’ve given a blowjob to when you shouldn’t have so.” He goes to leave.

“Just don’t make this difficult.” Aaron says. He wants to tell himself to shut up but it’s not happening.

“I’m not — you _kissed_ me in the lift. You.” Robert frowns. “You with the boyfriend.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “That was nothing.” He snaps. “So stop making things ...”

Robert turns, scowls. “Me?” He comes further towards Aaron, looks like he’s seething. “Look, the next time you have this urge to have a stupid one-night stand then maybe think about not doing it so close to home yeah?”

Aaron looks at him, eyes heavy with something and Robert backs away again. He steadies himself slightly and then he clears his throat.

Aaron blinks gently, feels this rush running inside him that means he can’t stop speaking even when he wants to. He’s not a talker, or a chaser, or whatever the hell this makes him. “So the tension ... you’ll stop giving me daggers across the room then.”

Robert huffs, he looks at Aaron and squints. “Maybe I don’t like to be called a mistake.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Don’t like making them either.”

Robert’s hands tighten around the paper. “Made a few then?” He knows exactly what he’s saying, and Aaron’s eyes are suddenly looking everywhere but Robert’s face. "Thought so.”

Aaron sighs. “You don’t know anything about me.”

Robert opens the door, wide so that everyone can see them talking. “No. You’re right. I don’t want to either.”

Aaron gulps hard against how he looks at him, looks through him. He ends up slamming a hand against the printer and feeling it ache almost instantly.

—

After tossing Leyla the stuff Lawrence needs on his desk tomorrow, he yanks his phone out and tries to see if Nathan’s at home. He mentions cooking them a nice meal and everything but gets nothing back. Nathan’s at his brother’s and Aaron’s facing a lonely night until Leyla mentions getting a drink after work at the bar a few minutes away.

Aaron agrees and they end up sipping fruity cocktails and discussing who’s sleeping with who. He keeps his mouth shut as Leyla goes on and on.

It’s fine until he hears someone laughing and realises that they’re only a few tables away from Robert sitting with Lawrence’s daughter. His vision is slightly blurred but Aaron can see the hand on Robert’s knee. It makes Aaron’s heart thump over and over again.

“Is that Robert ...”

Aaron forgets the umbrella straw and downs the cocktail. “What you on about?” He pretends he doesn’t know what she’s saying, like it’d make the outcome any different. It only gets Leyla practically holding his head in place until he admits that he sees Robert too. “And?” He says, because suddenly he realises that it doesn’t mean a thing and it has absolutely nothing to do with him.

It was a moment of madness. It was something building inside him, and Nathan being a twat and Robert being the fittest bloke he’s seen in an age. It was all of that and now it’s gone. The scratch has been itched.

“ _And_ I was sure he was gay.”

“He didn’t fancy you. There’s a big difference.” Aaron says. He stares at the way Robert is staring at him and then he looks away. “Anyway, what was that story with your sister again?”

Leyla has this story about her sister Alicia. It involves a hen party and a pool, and it always manages to make Aaron laugh. It sort of works. He’s half laughing, half acting but the point is Robert is staring at him. He’s staring at him until Lawrence’s darling daughter has his attention again and he’s looking away.

They keep up with the game until Aaron’s sighing hard and admitting defeat. He just doesn’t really want to sit here staring and acting like a weirdo when it has _nothing_ to do with him.

Aaron sighs hard, “I should be going.”

Leyla frowns. “What? I thought you said Nathan was ...”

“Yeah but ... work tomorrow.” Aaron says. “Don’t want a sore head.”

Leyla pulls this face and then nods. “Very mature. Very true.” She says and he’s thankful when she agrees to come with him.

Aaron doesn’t give Robert the satisfaction of looking backwards as they get to the exit . Not even once.

—

“Nathan. Listen to me for one second.” Aaron moves the phone away from his ear, runs a hand over his face and then when he hears silence, he speaks again. “I spent half my day looking at flats yesterday. I’m at work.”

“Yeah. I’m not an idiot. So am I.” Nathan argues. “I just reckoned this was more important.”

“Why the rush?”

It’s exactly the wrong thing to say. It just blurts out because he’s frustrated, and Nathan isn’t helping matters.

Nathan lets out this hard sigh. “Just say you don’t want to actually get a place of our own and we can stop.”

Aaron goes to respond, goes to stay that yeah the flat is Nathan’s, but he’s been living there for ages now and it feels like his home too. He tries to make it better but then he looks up to see Robert is smirking at him, trying not to laugh.

“I’ll call you back.” Aaron says before putting his phone down and looking across at Robert. “Oi. You’re not paid to sit and stare you know.”

Jimmy suddenly looks up, eyes wide like he’s ready to hear Robert’s reply.

“I’m sorry?” Robert folds his arms over; he knows he’s riled Aaron up, but he couldn’t really care less. He’s an absolute bastard. “I am working, unlike some.”

“Meaning?”

Robert leans forward on his elbows. “Meaning you’re taking private phone calls right in the middle of the office. Not very professional.”

Aaron’s jaw tightens. “Yeah well neither is trying to get into your boss’ daughter’s knickers but hey.” He pulls away from his desk and watches as Robert stares.

Jimmy’s looking between them like he’s at Wimbledon only he’s got a jammie dodger in his hand and a cup of tea he’s sipping on instead of a bowl of strawberries.

Aaron’s halfway towards the printer room when he feels Robert following him. He breathes in, tries to ignore the sound of Robert’s feet as he gets to the room and tries to slam the door shut. Robert’s hand is there though, keeping it open and practically pushing Aaron inside.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Robert says, he’s got this look on his face and Aaron just rolls his eyes.

“Calm down. You’ll pop a vein.”

Robert frowns. “You know you’re _pathetic_ right.”

“Me?” Aaron huffs. “I’m not the one prancing about with Chrissie White.” He’s not even sure why he’s saying it like that, she’s beautiful and he knows it. It’s exactly the reason why he’s acting like _this_.

Robert smirks suddenly. “Jealous were you?” He says and Aaron realises what he was playing at all along. He’d guessed and then talked himself out of it and spent the night staring up at the ceiling after telling Nathan he had a headache.

“As if.” Aaron shakes his head and lets out this heavy empty laughs “Just think you’re showing yourself up.” He says. “Bit embarrassing.”

“Well she didn’t think so last night.”

Aaron’s jaw locks and his eyes start batting about as he hears it. Then Robert smirks at him again. Aaron’s suddenly losing his absolute mind, shoving Robert against the wall and hearing him wince at the impact. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he just holds him in place and stares at his stupid face.

“You’re so arrogant.”

Robert’s eyes search Aaron’s face for something. “It’s been said.” He whispers before looking down at Aaron holding onto his blazer. “You going to let go?”

Aaron loosens his grip and then suddenly he’s sighing. “No.” He whispers before kissing Robert hard and hearing his head fall back against the wall again.

Robert’s moaning fills the room and Aaron tries to stop himself from overthinking everything as his hands run though Robert’s hair and then stop again. He pulls away, lips bruised and panting slightly as Robert stares.

“Mistake right?” Robert says, he goes to walk away but Aaron has a hand hovering over his chest, and he shakes his head a little.

Aaron bites his lip hard, thinks it’s going to bleed if he carries on holding on. It seems to summarise the whole situation. “Stop pissing me off.” He says, he doesn’t even answer the question but then Robert’s gaze grows stronger. “I think we both know what this is.”

Robert gives him this shy smile and Aaron can only stare at his mouth. There’s this feeling of honesty rushing through him and he isn’t sure whether he should be happy or sad about it.

—

Jimmy looks like he expects Robert to have a black eye when they both emerge from the print room. He almost looks disappointed and Aaron just gives him this look that tells him to mind his own business.

Aaron’s got his hands shaking as he gets to his desk, he tries to pretend like nothing is wrong and that he hasn’t just done what he said he wouldn’t he doing again. Only he has, only it’s happened now, and it’ll happen again, and he doesn’t want to have any control over it.

By the time everyone is starting to leave the office, he’s got four messages from Nathan about flats and he just stares at all of them on his phone whilst people move around him.

Aaron feels this thumping in his chest at how excited he is, how happy Nathan’s always going to be about them being together. It’s what he’s wanted for so long.

When he looks up next, Robert is packing his things up and looking like he’s not trying to look Aaron’s way. He makes it easier for both of them, stares right at Robert as obviously as he can. It works when Aaron watches Robert walking towards him. He turns, his head looking around the office, circling until his eyes land back on Aaron.

“This place is dead.” Robert says, and he sits on the edge of Aaron’s desk with this look on his face. “I think I should be going home.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker as he looks up at Robert and feels this strange and stubborn tug in his chest. “I think we have to work late.” He says. It comes out easily, it sort of tumbles and rolls off his tongue and he doesn’t regret it.

Robert lifts his head, surprised. “On what?”

Aaron bites his lip and shrugs. Robert gives him this look, tilts his head and then Aaron’s bringing his chair closer to him. “Whatever you want.” He says. It feels like he’s trying to get a stranger to come home with him. Then Robert pulls this face. “Wow. Laughing at me are you?”

“No. Definitely not.”

Aaron clears his throat. “Good.”

“You just sort of don’t need to do the chatting me up bit.” Robert drags a hand across his face. He’s got massive fucking hands and Aaron just sort of stares.

“Not really good at that. I’m ...”

“Rusty?” Robert gulps hard. “Speaking of, won’t Nathan be wondering where you’ve got to?”

Aaron pulls a face and feels a tightening in his stomach that’s very much guilt. He should go, he should leave but he doesn’t want to. It’s like he needs to stay, despite every single thing he knows.

Robert looks like he’s ready for Aaron to turn him down again, he almost looks away but then Aaron’s bringing him back into this bubble they’ve gliding about in.

“We’re working. Like I said.”

Robert nods slowly, he looks happy about it and then he looks around the office again before leaning into Aaron’s space. “We’ll wait then yeah?”

Aaron gives him this slow nod.

Eventually, they’re alone and Aaron’s dragging him towards the offices on the floor below.

“What are ...”

“They’ve got a lounge room.” Aaron says, it’s all he has to say really because as soon as he opens the door to show Robert, they’re all over each other.

—

Aaron’s panting into Robert’s ear, sliding down him and they’re laying side by side as their shoulders touch. His legs are still shaking and Robert’s not saying anything. He’s just breathing in really hard.

Aaron looks over towards Robert eventually. He looks so laid bare, thick eyelashes and soft skin and the smell of cologne still clinging to him despite all the rolling about they’ve just done. Aaron looks at him like he expects him to say something. He doesn’t until there’s a smirk on his face.

“That answered a question.”

Aaron frowns lightly. “What question?”

Robert’s not panting anymore, he sucks in a breath and then turns to Aaron with this confidence that Aaron’s jealous of. “If you were worth the wait.”

Aaron bites his lip. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

“Obviously.” Robert bucks his hips up and then brings a hand against Aaron’s chest like he just wants to hear his breath shake. It does. Aaron has to pull away from him to make it stop. “I knew a hand job wouldn’t do the trick.”

“You’re smug.”

“I thought I was arrogant?”

Aaron just stares at him. “You’re that too.”

Robert bites his lip. “Good to know.” He sighs and there’s this silence between them as Aaron plays with the hem of his shirt and starts to do the buttons up. He sees Robert’s work shirt, still pressed to his skin too and wonders for a second why he didn’t take it off. Then he’s wondering if Robert’s wondering why he didn’t either. The thought sticks out as his eyes travel down to the long lines stretched down Robert’s legs and up towards his thighs. He stares at how faint they are until his eyes land on Robert’s crotch.

“Scratched the itch then?” Robert asks.

Aaron blinks gently. “I don’t think so.” He whispers. “There. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Robert gets up onto his elbows, stares up and then he’s got his massive hand on Aaron’s face. It makes Aaron pull back slightly and then he lets it settle.

“You know how to make a boy feel special.” Robert says, bites his lip and stares.

“‘M not trying to make you feel ..."

“I’m joking.” Robert whispers and it races right through Aaron, leaves him gulping hard.

“Doing this again. I wouldn’t mind.”

Robert nods. “Neither would I.”

Aaron blinks gently. He gulps hard and then twists at his lip slowly with his teeth. “What I mean is ...”

“I know what you mean Aaron.” Robert says, he shakes his head and then looks away.

“Don’t think we’re very good at staying away from each other.” Aaron says, a hand suddenly running down Robert’s thigh and make his legs shake slightly.

“You’re shit at staying away from me is what you mean.”

Aaron gulps hard, realises that he’s been doing the chasing, he’s been fucking things up for himself. “Yeah.” He says. “You’re not exactly saying no though are you.”

Robert licks his lips. “No.” He whispers, and then he looks all serious and kisses Aaron again. Aaron tries to pull away, but he can’t, he melts towards it and then feels Robert’s hands on his face, cupping him gently.

“I have to go.” Aaron whispers lazily, eyes closed like he doesn’t want to see how Robert will react.

“Already?” Robert says and Aaron freezes around the hand Robert has on his shirt, the way his hands tries to snake up towards his stomach up to his chest.

“Yeah.” Aaron pulls Robert’s hand away and then breathes in. He brings his phone out and then looks over at Robert just lying there half naked in front of him. He darts his eyes away before chucking him his phone. “You should ...”

It suddenly feels wrong, having Robert’s number on his phone, being able to text him whenever he wants to. It’s dangerous, that’s what it is.

“Yeah?” Robert asks, like he knows exactly what Aaron is thinking.

Aaron bites his lip again. “Well what do you think?”

—

Nathan asleep when he comes in. It’s just gone nine and he didn’t expect to see him curled up in bed already but he’s thankful. He stares at him for a few seconds, watching him snore lightly against Aaron’s pillow and then turn in his sleep so that he’s facing towards him.

Slowly, Aaron watches Nathan open his eyes and smile at him lazily.

“I just got back.” Aaron whispers, he looks towards the bathroom. “I’m having a shower, but you go back to sleep yeah?”

Nathan nods his head a little and Aaron gets his phone out from his pocket as he hears a text come through.

**In case you need to reach me I suppose.**

Aaron stares down at the digits, thumb stroking gently and then stopping as he goes to save the number. It’s this that’s different, he’s never done _this_ before.

“Aaron?” Nathan mumbles out, still half asleep and sighing. Aaron looks towards him. “Love you.” He says before rolling over and saying something about making sure the doors are locked.

Aaron stares at him, heart banging in his chest. “Love you too.” He says, and then the digits above the text are disappearing and being replaced with a single letter.

R.


	7. A doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron’s suspicions cause friction between him and robert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoy this chapter ...

Aaron stares up at the ceiling with big round eyes and tries to remember how to fall asleep. He didn’t realise it’d be so difficult, but it is. Nathan’s snoring next to him, light and gentle enough to ignore.

The window is open slightly and Aaron looks out before looking at the bedside table and picking up his phone that’s resting there. He sees that it’s half four in the morning, that he’s got to get up for work in just over two hours.

It doesn’t seem to matter though. Aaron just watches as the numbers change and then he’s scrolling through his contacts and finding the letter R. Aaron looks over at Nathan again before he’s typing something out.

** How do I know I can trust you? **

Aaron closes his eyes and then taps on the backspace, watches it all disappear.

** I haven’t done this before. Should I tell you that? **

Aaron breathes in gently and then deletes it all again before flipping his phone over and laying back down. Nathan’s arm is hung over him like dead weight and he strokes it slowly before staring back out the window.

—

Aaron doesn’t know what to focus on. Nathan’s in front of him, taking about something and holding a pan in his hand as he cooks. Aaron can’t really hear him; he’s got his head down reading a newspaper. He’s read the same line three times and only stops when Nathan offers him a slice of toast.

Nathan huffs, sits down opposite Aaron. “You’re really in your head aren’t you?”

Aaron frowns up at him. “No.” He looks down. “I’m reading.”

“I was having a conversation with myself then.” Nathan gulps hard, plays with his hands for a second. “About us.”

Aaron closes his eyes for a second. “I’m sorry. Is this ... about the flats?” He feels this need inside of him to do better, to be better considering everything he’s doing. “I was going to talk to you about it last night, but you were ...”

Nathan nods. “Yeah well so were you when I tried reaching out.” He says it like he’s just saying it, but his eyes say something different.

Aaron pinches the bridge of his nose, closes his eyes and then opens them again. He lets out this shrug and then this smile and brings Nathan’s hands towards him, clasping tight.

“The answer is yes.”

Nathan frowns faintly.

“We’re good. I just want our place together to be perfect. That’s all.” Aaron shrugs slightly. “And it’s getting me a little stressed out.” Nathan smiles. “What?”

“You care.” Nathan teases. “About stupid things like what colour works well in the front room.” He looks like he’s so happy. Aaron focuses on it and then feels Nathan lean in and kiss him hard on the mouth. “I’ve domesticated Aaron Dingle.” He says between kisses.

Aaron feels his stomach jolt and his eyes widen slightly.

—

Aaron’s later than he thought he’d be for work and when he comes in Leyla decides to make a big song and dance about it for no reason.

She’s teasing him, telling him to check the redness he’s got against his neck. He tells her to do one, embarrassed and then suddenly looking at Robert from across the room.

“God. I’d love to be late for that reason.” Leyla says, she’s biting her pen like it’s definitely something else and then Bernice is walking past and asking what she’s on about. “Oh you know, morning meeting keeping Aaron away.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Shut up.” He practically hisses at them and then he’s looking at how Robert’s staring right at him like he has the right to. Aaron stares back at him and then pulls his gaze away as he gets to his desk.

Robert looks like he doesn’t want to speak to Aaron for half the morning. Aaron blames Leyla and her big mouth and the fact that she mentioned Nathan _here_ and that’s always going to complicate things.

Eventually Aaron bites the bullet or whatever and follows Robert towards one of the meeting rooms. He’s setting up for something, looks nervous and lost in thought at the same time until he spots Aaron at the door.

“Alright.” Aaron steps in, he has this look on his face that’s intense and enough to make Robert’s shoulders relax slightly. “What?”

“You.” Robert says slowly. “Thought you’d be avoiding me after last night.” He steps towards Aaron and shrugs. “That’s sort of your thing.”

Aaron supposes that he deserves that, so he takes it without saying anything.

“Made up with Nathan then?”

Aaron searches Robert’s eyes, remembers what Leyla had said. “You talk way too much. Do you know that?”

Robert looks at Aaron up and down. “So you followed me in here to say that?”

Aaron leans over and suddenly has a hand flat against Robert’s waist and one around his arse. Robert’s breath hitches and Aaron frowns slightly. “What do you think?”

Robert almost looks paralysed against the feeling of Aaron. His eyes are wide and then his dipping his head down lightly as Aaron feels him up. It’s not even lunch yet and he’s already bright red and feeling like he’s about to pass out.

“Aaron.” Robert says, voice grounded in something strong and magnetic. He whispers his name into Aaron’s ear again and it almost makes him buckle.

“Want you.” Aaron pushes out, under the weight of Robert kissing him where Nathan did only hours ago. He wonders if he’s doing it on purpose. Suddenly he doesn’t know whether to be turned on or concerned.

“Think we established that yesterday.”

Robert still has the ability to speak properly and it isn’t fair. Aaron rolls his eyes and then kisses him until he’s right up against the wall and they’re struggling for breath.

It’s like that one minute and then there’s the sound of heels coming down the hallway the next and they both spring apart. Robert’s slow on the uptake, Aaron practically shoves him off and starts wiping at his swollen mouth as he fights to catch his breath.

Robert looks like he’s still in some sort of daze around it, but he manages to start speaking like that’s what they were here to do.

“OK. That’s fine — I’ll ...”

The sound dies down and then Robert’s coming forward again to kiss at Aaron’s jaw. Aaron closes his eyes for a second and then almost trips back against the glass table.

“What are — she could have seen us.”

“We don’t even know who it was.”

Aaron frowns. “Exactly my point.” He says. “That was ...” He looks up at Robert and then away again. “But no. Not like that.”

Robert lets out this sigh and then gets towards the door. “Whatever.” He says.

“Hang on. Don’t just ...”

Robert leaves and Aaron stares at an empty door.

—

Aaron gets off the phone with a client and sees that there’s a circle forming around the kitchen area. He sees Bernice with some of the other women from HR and rolls his eyes until he hears them talking about Robert.

He manages to work it out because they keep referring to him as blond at first and then they mention his weird love for elbow patches. Aaron doesn’t mean to listen in like a weirdo, but he can’t seem to help himself. One minute one of them is talking about the shape of his arse and the next they’re on about how he doesn’t like losing.

It manages to pique his interest, so he gets up, comes towards the open door and pretends to still be on his phone as he hangs around. Anyone would think he was an absolute weirdo if they actually looked his way but they’re all too engrossed in how Robert was nasty to drippy Dan from the floor below because he thought he’d double crossed him.

Aaron holds his phone tighter to his ear and leans against the wall with a frown on his face as he keeps listening.

“He always gets what he wants, well that’s what I heard.”

“From who?”

Bernice leans over and starts whispering and Aaron can’t make anything out until she’s leaning up and shrugging her shoulders. “Well that’s what Lawrence said anyway. Always gets what he wants and doesn’t like when he doesn’t. Quite the work ethic.”

“Well as long as it’s just a work ethic.”

Aaron blinks gently against the words and then feels a tightness in his chest. He watches them move on to another topic of discussion as he turns to move away. He spins too fast and ends up falling straight into the devil himself. Robert offers this sly grin and then he has a hand on Aaron’s waist.

“Careful.” Robert’s voice is strong and soft at the exact same time.

Aaron jumps back slightly, bites his lip hard and shakes his head. “What did I say?” He whispers, and then he leans away. “Later.”

Robert blinks, steps out of Aaron’s hold and nods his head. There’s this lock in his jaw that Aaron can’t help but stare at.

—

It’s a nice day so Aaron has his lunch outside on the park bench that’s near the office. He’s ate a sandwich, it tasted of absolutely nothing and he’s convinced himself that he’s coming down with a cold or something.

There’s this feeling in the air that he can’t describe, and he blames Robert for it.

The thoughts are jammed in his head and they won’t stop until Nathan is ringing him and it feels like this absolute relief out of nowhere.

“Hey.” Aaron says. “You alright?”

“Yeah just thought I’d check in. You’re on your lunch break aren’t you?”

Aaron nods like he can see him. “Yeah. Not got that much longer though. Why?”

Nathan stops speaking and Aaron’s certain he can hear the sound of a lift opening. He frowns, asks where he is and doesn’t get anything back for a second or two.

“Nathan? Where are ...”

“Could ask you the same question actually. I am.” Nathan laughs like it’s funny. “I popped by; I had a meeting in ...”

Aaron stands. “I’m in the park. I’ll come now.” He hangs up and then walks as quickly as he can towards the office. He gets up to the floor after having to let some delivery guys hog up all the space. There’s an apology for taking as long as he did on the tip of his tongue. It dies away when he sees Nathan leaning against his desk and talking to Robert.

It looks wrong, it looks dangerous.

Nathan’s waving his arms about, looks like he’s really enjoying the conversation. Aaron watches Robert, he’s got his arms crossed and he’s nodding his head along like one of those nodding dogs.

Aaron almost doesn’t know what to say. He keeps staring until Nathan pulls this face and reaches out to squeeze Robert’s arm. He’s not laughing anymore, and Aaron feels himself lunging forward to stop anything from happening.

“Hey.” Aaron’s hand is on Nathan’s back and he turns him forcibly into a kiss. Robert steps back, shakes his head and has this look on his face. “Hey, what are you ...”

“Just popping by.”

“Yeah. I — I can see that.” Aaron scratches at his eyebrow and pulls this face. “Fancy a coffee or ...”

Nathan shakes his head. He’s got a hand against Aaron’s waist and Robert just stares watching. He doesn’t look away and he should, he should step right back and walk to his fucking desk and get on with his work instead of third wheeling like an idiot.

“I should be going actually.” Nathan has one of those big brown satchels and Robert just looks at it and then up at his hair again, and then down at his ugly trainers. “Just wanted to say hi.” He looks all disappointed and then turns towards Robert. “Bored this guy’s ears off n’all about web designing.”

Aaron looks up at Robert with wide eyes and watches Robert give him this tight smile. He doesn’t actually say anything at all.

“I’ll walk you to the lifts.” Aaron’s hand sits on Nathan’s back and he rubs gently. Robert’s jaw locks as he watches and then he walks back to his desk and wriggles his mouse to start working again.

He thinks about how normal Nathan is, how he probably cracks a witty joke every now and then, but he hardly looks the type to rock your world. Robert isn’t even sure why he’s acting like Nathan’s competition. The thought makes him think of Katie and Andy, so he stops altogether.

Nathan kisses Aaron by the lifts and then looks around to see if anyone is watching them. He looks and sees Robert staring and then averting his eyes just as quickly. Aaron thinks about how relaxed the office is about his boyfriend making visits like they’re going out of fashion. He thinks about how happy he should have been to see him, and the thought is stupid and evaporates completely.

The only thing that stays is the fact that Robert was there. He was so close to Nathan and it made everything ten times more difficult.

It’s why he texts him across their desks, practically orders him to stick around when he’s finished work and meet him in the printing room. Aaron said ‘later’ hours ago but now it has this different meaning, now it’s loaded with his own worry that Robert can’t be trusted, that he’s ruthless when it comes to what he wants.

Aaron waits, fingers drumming against the printer and accidentally making it almost vibrate against his palm. He steps away from it and then Robert walks in.

“When you said later, I figured you meant somewhere a bit nicer than in here. Been there done that haven’t we?”

Robert has this look about him. It’s like he can’t help but exude all this smugness. He has this dashing smile on his face and Aaron stares at his green tie until he has to stare up into his green eyes.

“I saw you. Talking to Nathan.” Aaron breathes in deeply. “What you playing at?”

Robert pulls this face; everything changes suddenly, and Aaron knows that his back is up about it. He almost looks offended. “He was talking to me.”

Aaron shakes his head.

“He was talking to me about _plants_. He’s dead exciting. I can really see why he does it for you.” Robert laughs and Aaron suddenly jumps in front of him, he breathes in and feels like everything is boiling over suddenly. This, all of _this_ , is about how genuinely out of control he feels. 

Suddenly he’s inches away from Robert’s face, holding onto his arm and staring into his eyes.

“How much do you want?”

Robert’s eyes flicker, he clearly breathes in. “You what?”

Aaron nods his head. “Everyone’s got a price haven’t they?”

Robert’s face doesn’t change, his jaw locks into place like he’s about to attack. “You think I want your money? We’re on the same wage Aaron as far as I’m aware. You’re hardly rolling in it.”

Aaron squints. “You think this is _funny_? Some sort of joke?”

“You’re acting like one.” Robert says and then he’s shaking his head. “One minute you’re all over me and the next you’re ..."

“You’re taking to Nathan. He just strolled over did he?” Robert looks away. “No. You went over. I bet you did.”

Robert breathes in. He wants to say he was interested _yeah_ but that doesn’t warrant all this anger.

“I didn’t invite him here.“ Robert says. “You really think I’d just waltz over and tell him?”

Aaron lets out this ragged breath. “I don’t know you.” He bites.

“You know me enough to sleep with me though don’t you?” Robert tilts his head. “Or is that how you like it? All mysterious.”

Aaron pushes Robert until he’s against the wall again and he’s staring at his mouth and then into his eyes. He can’t get rid of the thought of Nathan and Robert standing and chatting together in his head. It makes all of this mess that much harder to handle.

“Well I know how you like it, getting your way, going after what you want.”

Robert breathes into Aaron’s mouth as he laughs and it’s way more intimate that Aaron wanted from the tight grip he has around Robert’s chest.

“Office gossip. Wow. Is that all you’ve got?” Robert pushes Aaron’s arm off. “Yeah I’m ruthless when I need to be ... but you seriously think I want your money?”

Aaron breathes in and feels himself panicking. “I think you’re the type to blackmail me into something. Word with Lawrence? Giving you all the clients I’ve bought in here? What is it?” He searches Robert’s face for what’s piqued his interest and sees nothing.

“I don’t want anything for you.” Robert says, he sounds cold, like he’s hurt.

Aaron frowns, steps back a little.

“Not the satisfaction of your boyfriend knowing about that _later_ you promised or the mistake you made the time before.” Robert says. “Nothing.”

“I didn’t promise anything.”

It’s what he keeps coming back to, the idea that whatever this is doesn’t have the right to become promises and longing. It’s not that. Instead it’s headaches and drama and yet Aaron isn’t walking away. He’s still standing here watching as Robert moves to leave.

“I’m not apologising for not _trusting_ you.”

Robert turns and Aaron feels this pressure hit his shoulders. He doesn’t say anything, he just stares.

“Do you have any idea how this works?”

Aaron’s entire face twitches almost uncontrollably. It makes all of this feel heavy and deep and he can’t handle any of it.

“Do you?”

Robert gulps hard, eyes darting. “It doesn’t take a genius to know the guy you’re sleeping with _doesn’t_ usually grass on you to the boyfriend.”

Aaron breathes in deeply.

“So you really don’t get it.”

“I don’t have to answer to you.” Aaron blurts out. “So you can quit looking around me like that.”

Robert pulls this face, puffs his chest out. “Like your boyfriend would if he knew?”

“Is that a threat?” Aaron says, his hands ball into a fist and he wants to shake Robert. “ _Again_.”

Robert shakes his head. “No, it’s me saying you’ve got me all wrong.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he steps back, hands flattening against his sides. He doesn’t know what to say, it’s like everyone is stuck.

“I don’t want _anything_ from you other than you deleting my number and not thinking about using me for another _mistake_ of yours again.” Robert’s speaking so quickly that Aaron can’t keep up. “I can’t.” It slips out and Aaron’s eyes widen under the way anger has melted into vulnerability. It’s frightening so he looks away. As soon as he does, Robert is rushing out the door.

For a second Aaron thinks about pulling him back, pinning him back against the wall and forgetting everything else.

He doesn’t though. Instead he gets his phone out, hovers over the stupid R he’s got Robert saved under and then shoves the phone back into his pocket.


	8. A promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron attempts to make up with Robert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A faster update this time. The next two chapters are largely already planned out too so I should have some updates soon. Thanks for all the lovely comments so far!

Robert opens his eyes slowly to the light of the room and then almost immediately cowers. He has this headache that won’t budge and as he turns over in his bed he’s seeing smudged ink against his hand and realising where he was the night before.

He’s suddenly thinking of a nightclub and feeling out of place and then bumping into some bloke with a beard and blue eyes and pouncing on him like a desperate twat.

The number is faded away now, he can only make out the number five and three. He doesn’t want to make out anything else.

Robert sits up properly, tilts his head down to avoid the sun pouring into the room and then there’s this knocking on his door. He ignores it until there’s pounding and he’s pulling on a shirt to see who’s there.

“God. You stink.”

Robert stares at his little sister and wants to push her back outside but she’s stronger today because he’s weaker.

“Nice to see you too.” Robert runs a hand over his face and then looks at the state of his kitchen. There’s bottles everywhere and Vic isn’t remotely impressed with him.

“What’s all this?” Vic’s eyes widen, she shakes her head as she starts putting beer cans into his bin. “Has something happened?”

Robert frowns. “No. I had a couple last night. That’s all.”

“There’s more than a couple here.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “Is there _anything_ else you want?”

Vic looks hurt. “You’re supposed to be helping me with the menu for the van.”

Robert’s eyes widen and he doesn’t know what to say. He remembers arranging this ages ago. “Sorry. Things have been a little different lately.”

“What’s that mean?” Vic comes closer towards him and Robert bites his lip. “Is it work?”

Robert crosses his arms over and doesn’t say anything for a second. “Sort of.”

“You took the morning off though right?

Robert nods.

“Someone bothering you?”

Robert can’t help the way he sighs hard, the way he absolutely blames Aaron for whatever grilling this is. He’s like this tap, he’s on and off all the time and he doesn’t want to have anything more to do with it.

He thinks of Nathan, the absolute idiot. He almost feels sorry for him.

“You could say that.” Robert says. Vic gives him this look. “What?”

“Not like you to let anyone mess you about is it?”

Robert frowns and he feels like he’s just remembered himself. He puffs his chest out and crosses his arms over. “No. It’s not.” He says.

—

Nathan’s hand is resting gently on Aaron’s thigh as he drives Aaron to work. Aaron stares down for a second before continuing to look out the window. He’s been quiet all morning, it’s too early to be as chatty as Nathan likes to be so he’s let him do all the talking.

Only now Nathan’s asking him something and he’s almost trapped in his own head again.

“Say that again.”

Nathan frowns. “Are you sure you’re OK?”

Aaron doesn’t remember saying that he was, but he goes with it. He nods his head a little and then points to his head.

“Yeah. Just. Headache. A little.”

“Thought it was your back.” Nathan stops at the traffic light and Aaron watches as the clouds stretch over the sky. He breathes in and the notices Nathan smirking at him. “After last night. It was ... unexpected.”

Aaron gulps hard. He had tossed his phone across the room and yanked Nathan into their bedroom as soon as he got through the door. “Didn’t hear your complaints last night.”

“Didn’t have any did I?” Nathan smirks, teases and squeezes the hand on Aaron’s thigh before the light is turning and Nathan’s turning the corner. He does it smoothly enough but then a car lunges in front and cuts him up. “Oh.” Nathan’s saying, he tries to back up the car slightly and Aaron stares at him.

“He just cut you up.”

“Or he didn’t see me.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Nath. That prick just — he saw me. I looked at him.”

Nathan shrugs. “It’s alright.” He says, and then he’s turning another corner and looking at Aaron. “No harm done.”

Aaron leans against the headrest. “You’re seriously an Angel.”

Nathan huffs. “Or I don’t think everyone’s out to get me.” He shrugs again and Aaron looks at him with wide heavy eyes.

“You can’t go around expecting people to be ... good, trustworthy.”

“No but you can at least give them the benefit of the doubt. Or wait until they show you otherwise.” Nathan takes his hand off Aaron’s thigh and taps his hands against the wheel. Aaron thinks of Robert and looks at Nathan and then feels dizzy. “Life lesions with Nathan will continue next Monday at –”

“Shut your face.” Aaron says, and then he’s back to staring out the window.

—

Aaron’s listening to Jimmy go on about how many wheels cars can actually drive with and he has absolutely no idea why he’s even entertaining it but it’s better than looking across at an empty desk.

It’s nearly lunch time and Robert’s not in yet. His chair is empty and there’s nothing on his desk at all. For a second he wonders if he’s quit, it seems irrational but considering he wanted Aaron to delete his number last night, maybe he just wants to move on altogether.

Maybe.

“See I saw this car and it had ...”

“I get it Jimmy.” Aaron says, he turns and then looks back at his computer. “I’m sort of working on a briefing here.” He isn’t. He’s tapping away and clicking on random word documents and he only stops when he sees Robert coming in.

There’s this small smile on his face that he can’t control, and it fades when Robert almost stares through him like he hasn’t seen him.

Aaron gulps, slides his chair forwards as Robert sits and starts his computer up. He stares for a second and then clears his throat.

“Can I have a word?” Aaron’s not exactly sure what he even wants to say to him, but he can’t just sit here and pretend like he wants to ignore him. He doesn’t want to ignore him; he doesn’t want to delete his number and he doesn’t want to have Robert hate him. There’s three things he could say. He holds onto them all until Robert is shrugging his shoulders.

“You can have two.”

Aaron’s jaw locks and he feels this kick hit his stomach as he keeps leaning over. “OK maybe I deserved that but ...”

Robert scoffs, pulls his gaze away from Aaron and then walks away from him like he doesn’t want to be anywhere near him.

Aaron closes his eyes, hangs his head and then hears Jimmy telling Finn about how crashing his computer has nothing to do with him looking up three wheeled cars.

—

Aaron’s stubborn. He doesn’t know when to give something up half the time and it’s made him who he is today. Nathan says it’s an issue, he says he should really go back to therapy about it, but Aaron’s come to think of it as a quirk.

It’s exactly why he’s deciding to send Robert a text when he knows he’ll ignore it. Aaron realises the time, knows that he should be leaving the office soon, but he doesn’t want to.

Aaron looks up, sees the way Robert looks down at his phone and then shakes his head before dropping it down again. Aaron closes his eyes, decides that Robert’s not worth his time and then he’s following him towards his locker half an hour later.

“I thought you were avoiding me.” Aaron says. Robert’s got his back towards him, pulling out his coat then shutting the locker closed again. “This morning when you weren’t …”

“Thought I’d sack in my job for you?” Robert laughs but it’s filled with bitterness. “It’s called a morning off.”

Aaron bites his lip, feels like the world’s biggest idiot as he looks around the room. “Right. I ... I wanted to have a word.”

Robert frowns up at Aaron. “I told you to delete my number.”

Aaron doesn’t even know what to say. He just seem frozen against it all and then he shakes his head. “I was just angry.” He says.

“Oh I know. You were angry because you thought I’d tell Nathan about ... us.” Robert shrugs awkwardly and then looks away.

Aaron nods. “Yeah. For a bit I did. But it’s because I don’t ... I don’t know how to _trust_ people.”

Robert’s eyes widen. “Well this is very quickly turning into an episode of Dr. Phil.”

“Who?” Aaron frowns.

Robert crosses his arms over. “Doesn’t matter.” He says. “Look none of this ... matters. I should be ...” He should be going but Aaron stands in front of him instead and it’s suddenly difficult to breathe properly. “Aaron.”

“I know you don’t want to. I know _I_ don’t want you to.” Aaron shrugs. “Yeah. I’m an idiot. I know you weren’t going to tell him, but I panicked. Sue me.”

Robert’s eyes flicker like he’s almost impressed. There’s this slight smirk on his face and then he gulps hard and steps back so there’s this empty space between them. “Just forget it.” He almost jokes and then he looks across at the door again.

Aaron shakes his head, tells him not to go with his eyes. “I know I got it wrong.” He steps forward a little. “I just ... I’m not exactly an _expert_ on this.”

Robert hardens slightly. “Don’t lie.”

Aaron frowns. “What?”

Robert looks so certain. “You’ve done this before. I can tell.” He sticks a hand in his pocket and Aaron stares at his dark purple tie. “The way you just upt and left the first time told me enough. Trust me.”

Aaron decides to be honest; he feels like he can’t be anything but. “You’re right. But the others have only been one-night stands.” He looks down. “When I’m angry or ... or things are getting too much.”

“And I’m not?” Robert whispers the words out and Aaron sees his grip has loosened on his coat and he looks like he needs an answer.

“You’re not.” It slips out so quickly, it makes Aaron realise what he’s been trying to ignore all this time.

Robert looks stunned and then shakes his head. “Right yeah. I’m a two night stand. I forgot.” He waves a hand out, bites his lip. “Two mistakes make what? A coincidence right?”

“This ain’t a coincidence.” Aaron says. His voice is shaky, and he clears his throat to stop it. He brings a hand towards Robert’s chest and then breathes in. “Or a mistake.” He whispers before swooping in and kissing Robert.

It takes seconds for them to get carried away with themselves. It takes minutes for Aaron to drag his hand up to the floor below them again, find that empty lounge room and lock the door shut. It takes forever for Aaron to feel himself and Robert _together_ until he’s falling apart again.

Aaron has a hand through Robert’s hair that turns limp as he struggles to get his breath back. He watches Robert do the same, the way he almost looks awkwardly around the room like he doesn’t know what to say, if he should go.

Aaron stares at Robert’s neck, how it arches down and makes his shoulders long and broad. He stares at his back, the scars he sees and the way they’re fainter across both his shoulders and down one of his arms and both his legs. He thinks there’s probably a sad story there and the thought makes him dizzy.

Robert’s hand reaches out towards the floor and he picks up his shirt, stretches further for his tie. Aaron stops him with a hand against his bare stomach, he moves his thumb up and down and Robert looks at him like he gets what he’s trying to say.

_Stop, for a second._

_It’s OK to look at me._

_You don’t have to go._

It’s a jumbled mess in his mind but Robert looks like he understands so it’s easier.

“You know, I wasn’t trying to mess you about.” Aaron says, he breathes in deeply and then watches Robert look away. “I mean it.”

“I don’t think you know what you mean.” Robert says. Aaron’s stunned by his honesty and it races through him. “Because tomorrow this is going to be a mistake.”

Aaron frowns. “It won’t be.” He says. He lifts himself up slightly so that he’s hovering over Robert’s body. “Like I said ... I haven’t done this before.”

Robert makes him work for it, he arches his eyebrow and then bites his lip. Aaron stares at his face, the way he has freckles that scatter, rising and falling and rising again all over. He thinks for a second about how many people he knows who have freckles like this. He can’t think of anyone.

“Haven’t done what?” Robert shrugs, bare shoulders loosening a little as he speaks.

“Whatever this is.” Aaron says. “Me and you and here.” He looks around the room. “Or the print room.”

“Can’t forget there.” Robert whispers gently. He brings a hand up towards Aaron’s hair and runs his fingers through is slowly. “You’re a proper nightmare.” He says.

Aaron’s smile is genuine. It makes Robert breathe in.

“So are you.”

Robert sighs and stares up at the ceiling before looking back at Aaron again. He’s staring back at him.

“That’s what I thought when I first saw you. Nightmare material.” Aaron says, bites his lip hard as Robert smirks. “That and your fancy ties.”

Robert shrugs. “At least they’re nice.” He says. “Unlike yours.”

“Shut up.” Aaron says gently. He watches his hand against Robert’s thigh and then the way Robert holds it for the briefest of seconds before pulling away like he’s got something to say.

“So we ... you’re not going to get weird again?”

Aaron leans down so that he’s practically on Robert’s lap. Robert makes this sound and Aaron kisses him slowly.

“As long as you don’t irritate me.”

Robert bucks his hips up. “Am I doing that now?”

Aaron shakes his head so quickly he thinks it’s going to fall off. “No.” He whispers before leaning down and feeling Robert roll him over.

—

Aaron’s got his top button undone and Robert tells him as they get to the lift and out the building. Robert gives him this look like he wants to run back upstairs and do it all again, but Aaron looks away.

“So we’re ...” Aaron runs a hand through his hair like he doesn’t know what he’s trying to say. “I mean ...”

“Spit it out.”

“I don’t want to stop that.” Aaron says, he finds himself waiting for an answer as Robert gives him this smile.

“Then we don’t.” Robert shrugs. “Everything else ...”

_Nathan, the fact that they work together, the fact that they’re going to really fuck things up eventually._

Aaron closes his eyes. “Everything else is just everything else.”

Robert nods. “Glad we know where we stand then.” He whispers softly, he almost leans in and then Aaron’s holding him by his tie and kissing him breathlessly. He feels Robert’s hands on his face, cupping him gently and then pulling away a little. “You’ve got to promise not to fall in love with me though yeah?” He whispers, his nose touches Aaron’s and he bites his lip.

Aaron laughs against Robert’s mouth. “Yeah ... pretty sure it won’t happen mate. You?”

Robert nods. “Yeah. I promise.” He leans away again, eyes flickering. “I’ll see you then.”

“I’ll text you.” Aaron says as Robert walks away.

Aaron watches him go, there’s this feeling inside him that won’t go away and suddenly he’s aware of exactly what he’s started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I’d like to think of this as the real start of the affair ...)


	9. A restaurant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is disappointed when Nathan’s plans disrupt his time with Robert. Aaron is left surprised by Nathan’s commitment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen all the evidence aaron had on his phone to prove his affair with robert is SO interesting so i’m incorporating texts into this to try (and fail!) to do all the mystery justice lmao
> 
> slightly shorter chapter but hope you enjoy

Aaron doesn’t hear the toast pop up out of the toaster. He doesn’t see it either. He’s just got his eyes glued towards the trees swaying in the breeze out the window.

Nathan comes into the room and then brings a hand on Aaron’s shoulder before he’s bringing the toast out and getting a plate.

Aaron steps away, realises what he’s doing. “Oh. Sorry. I was ...”

“Miles away?” Nathan shakes his head and works around Aaron before turning towards him. “What were you thinking about?”

Aaron knows, he knows what he was thinking about but he’s not going to tell Nathan about any of it because he’s not stupid. He watches closely as Nathan waits for an answer and then he’s slowly shrugging.

“Nothing. I ... was just daydreaming.”

Nathan arches an eyebrow. “Been doing a lot of that lately.” He says. “Is it work?”

Aaron stills. “Am I day dreaming about _work_?” He asks. Everything suddenly feels heavy with irony and he stops thinking as Nathan rolls his eyes.

“I’m joking.” Nathan blinks and then clears his throat. “You’re distant.”

Aaron leans towards Nathan, kisses him lightly. “How’s that for distant.”

Nathan pulls back, smiles a little and it’s like all his worry just melts away. It’s scary how quick it happens. “How about I book us somewhere tonight to eat, we could actually talk.” He has a hand gently against Aaron’s waist.

“About what?”

Nathan shrugs. “Flats, future ...” He blinks quickly. “Things that start with the letter F.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Yeah. Fine.” He says.

“That Italian place?”

Aaron nods. They’ve been there about twenty times and Nathan always gets the exact same thing but it’s their place. “Sounds good.”

—

Aaron’s waiting on a call when Robert comes into work. It’s weird seeing him after they basically agreed to keep shagging each other whilst he’s with someone else and everything. He looks at him, his eyes practically follow him to his seat and then Robert’s looking up and smiling at him.

It’s so small, it’s almost like he really isn’t. It’s in his eyes and Aaron suddenly wants to slam him against the wall.

He doesn’t. He has control. He has patience.

And anyways the phone on his desk starts ringing about two minutes into the staring he’s doing so it’s all got to stop.

—

Robert corners him in the kitchen. Aaron’s sat up on the counter despite being repeatedly told not to and when he looks up Robert is suddenly coming towards him and standing between his legs.

“Hey.”

Aaron’s shoulders relax. “Hey.” He says before looking at how the door is locked. He leans in and kisses Robert, hands around the back of his neck as he tries to reach in for more and more. He only stops when he can hear someone walking past the room.

“Thought we could stay behind and work tonight.” Robert says. “If you’re up for it.”

Aaron bites his lip and nods gently. “Yeah.” He says, he brings a hand up towards Robert’s shirt and then feels Robert kissing him again. It’s like when he does, everything else stops.

Eventually, he pulls a hand towards Robert’s chest, stops and their noses touch.

“What?” Robert whispers before he comes to his senses himself and leans away. He has to almost detangle himself and Aaron’s not even on the counter anymore. His back is digging into a cupboard and it’s all so risky he can’t breathe against it.

“We can’t get caught. You know that right?” Aaron searches Robert’s face. He feels like he’s telling him off so there’s this hand on Robert’s waist to almost make him understand that it isn’t like that. “We’d be sacked and ...”

“Nathan’d know.” Robert shrugs. Aaron marvels at how he doesn’t seem to even flinch when he says his name. It’s like he’s not bothered that Nathan exists, not seeing him every day probably helps.

“And he can’t.” Aaron says seriously. The hand on Robert’s chest starts stroking gently and then he moves it away.

“I’m not telling him anything. We’ve been through this.”

Aaron nods slowly. “Like I said ... I haven’t exactly trusted anyone like this before.” The words blurt out and make all of this sound so much more important than it needs to be.

Robert looks almost touched and then he shrugs. “You’re just going to have to trust me then.”

“Looks like it.” Aaron says.

Robert stares at him, smirks a little and then leans close to kiss him again.

Aaron chews at his lip and then gulps, pulling away from Robert. “At work. We’re at work.” He says. “We can’t risk _anyone_ catching us, _anywhere_.”

Robert nods. “There’s mine.” He says. “My place. Instead of that room. Bit more hygienic too.” He stares at Aaron’s mouth and then leans back on his tiptoes. “I’ve got a big bed.”

Aaron smiles, goes to speak and then his phone is going off and he’s looking down to see that Nathan’s sent him the reservation code in case he’s late. He stares down at it and then wants to kick himself.

“A big bed sounds nice.” Aaron says after a second. He’s put his phone in his pocket, steps back subconsciously.

“Does it?”

Aaron frowns.

“You’re not really ...” Robert stops and then sighs. “What?”

“Me and Nathan are going out tonight. I just remembered.” Robert looks like he’s trying not to pissed off and Aaron appreciates it. He reaches out to touch him, but Robert moves away again. “Don’t be like that.”

Robert hangs his head. “Like what?”

“Pissed off.” Aaron says. Robert looks more than unimpressed. He rolls his eyes, goes to move away and then Aaron brings his hand out to hold Robert’s. It shocks Robert. He looks down and then up again and Aaron’s eyes are bright and blue. “I’ll make it up to you.”

Robert gives him this look. “I expect you to.” He nods.

Aaron smirks back at him and then cups Robert’s face into a kiss, letting their hands part. Robert breathes out a smile as his hands fall against Aaron’s waist.

“I will.”

Robert dips his head down and then gets towards the door and Aaron wants to go back to when he first walked in.

—

Aaron feels a little less guilty when he sees how much of an arsehole Robert can be around other people. He basically watches him railroad some poor git into signing over a large chunk of his business because Robert indulged in a little bit of light blackmail.

Everyone thinks it’s impressive. Lawrence practically fawns over him and he doesn’t seem to mind that Robert’s so clearly trying to get deeper into Lawrence’s business and not into him.

“You’re sort of unbelievable.” Aaron says, across the desk and the sound of phones ringing all around them.

Robert stares up, nods. “Nice to know you think so.” He says. He doesn’t look pissed off anymore, he looks like he’s practically undressing Aaron with his eyes.

Aaron flushes red, clears his throat. “Do one yeah?” He says.

“Like you’d want me to.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he can feel himself softening. It’s strange. He tries to ignore it and yet at the same time he places his elbows on his desk and leans towards Robert. “You’re so arrogant. You really really are.”

“And you like that too.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. It serves as this answer. He almost laughs and then he looks down and sees that Nathan’s sent him a text. It sliced through whatever atmosphere he’s dared to enjoy with Robert.

It makes him pull away, get back to work.

—

Aaron stares down at his phone and realises that Nathan’s almost twenty minutes late for the reservation. It’s something that Aaron didn’t expect, he thought he’d run in and face Nathan’s upset at him being late, but he was faced with an empty chair instead.

The table holds for about five more minutes and the waiter is already giving him funny looks like he thinks his boyfriend doesn’t exist.

The wait feels endless until he’s distracted. Robert’s number is right there and Aaron’s hand slides over to just stare before he’s texting him like he keeps saying he will. He knows he means: text me when that body of yours is free but he starts typing anyway.

**To R:** What you up to? (18:24)

Aaron puts the phone down and instantly regrets how stupid it sounds. He wants to take it back. He drums his hand across the table and then stops when his phone vibrates.

**From R:** Someone’s bored and waiting for their boyfriend to turn up (18:24)

Aaron’s eyes widen.

**To R:** How did you know that? (18:24)

The next reply comes at least two minutes later. Aaron looks down slowly to read it, his face falls slightly.

**From R:** Obvious. Probably the only reason why you’re texting (18:26)

Aaron’s hands are clammy.

**To R:** It’s not the only reason (18:26)

  
Aaron turns his phone over in his hand and then puts it down before picking it up again and signing.

**To R:** God you’re difficult (18:26)

Aaron types it out and then puts his phone back on the table. He stares out of the window for a second, thinks about the fact that the waiter is going to be kicking him out any second now. Then his thoughts are drifting, focusing back on how he should have followed through on his plans with Robert. He feels this pang of guilt hit him as he sits and stares at the white napkin.

Aaron’s phone vibrates towards him and he picks it up again.

**From R:** You wouldn’t have been waiting for me (18:27)

Aaron blinks, licks his lips as he agrees. His thumb hovers over the phone before he’s typing again.

**To R:** Because you’re that good? (18:27)

**From R:** You should know? You’ve had the experience. Speaking of which, when’s the next one going to be? (18:28)

Aaron breathes out, shifts on his seat and leans forward. His elbows touch the table and he smiles as he thinks about the fact that Robert’s got his own place and it’s probably all clinical and weird but it’s a place they’d be alone.

His smile stops when Nathan rushes towards him complaining about the mad traffic. He swoops in to kiss Aaron’s mouth and then ends up giving him one on the cheek as Aaron turns his head.

“Aaron. I’m sorry.” Nathan says, he’s rolling down his sleeves and trying to look presentable and Aaron just sighs.

“You actually made me feel guilty about not caring about us. Yet you’re the one late.” Aaron says, he shakes his head and then feels himself being whacked over the head with this irony. His phone is still in his hand and Robert is waiting for him to bring up when he’s free to fuck him next and yet he’s sitting here annoyed that his boyfriend’s late for a meal. He hates himself suddenly. “Sorry. I — I just ...”

Nathan frowns. “No need to bite my head off.”

Aaron gulps. “I’m sorry.” He says. He leans over and squeezes at Nathan’s hand.

Nathan relaxes. “I wasn’t actually in traffic.”

Aaron frowns. “Why lie?” He goes to pull his hand away and this feeling of dread hits him. It dies away when Nathan starts speaking about flats again.

“I know you wanted the place to be perfect. Close enough for work and everything so I spent half the afternoon with an estate agent speaking about it all.”

Nathan’s commitment makes Aaron feel lightheaded. He’s still squeezing his hand and Aaron moves it away slowly before running a hand through his hair.

“You ...”

“Yeah. It’s flaming difficult.” Nathan laughs, and then he’s ordering them a bottle of wine and staring into Aaron’s eyes. “It’s going to be hard to find exactly what fits us best but it’s worth it ain’t it?”

Aaron gulps hard. “Of course it is.”

Nathan’s eyes flicker. “It’s me and you. Like always. Only this time you’re not cramming all your stuff into my stupid wardrobe.”

Aaron laughs.

“Haven’t seen you laugh for a while.” Nathan says and Aaron looks away a little. “You said everything’s fine and I believe you. I do. I just ...”

Aaron closes his eyes around the way Nathan is talking. He knows what’s coming next.

“This is what you want right?”

Aaron sometimes thinks he should get some sort of reassuring sign written on his forehead or something. He stares blankly and shakes his head. “Why would you think I ...”

“Because you don’t like change. I know you don’t.” Nathan says, he pulls his hand away and places them on his own thighs. He looks like he doesn’t want to push and yet here he is. “And the last thing I want to do is ...”

Aaron scowls. “What? Trigger me.” He whispers. “Not _everything_ goes back to that.”

Nathan’s eyes widen. “No. I know. Of course I know. I just ...”

“Just what Nath?” Aaron sits back on his chair and his knee bounces at memories that always seem to surface. “I know you care. I’m not saying you don’t but if you think I’m anywhere near _that_ then ...”

Nathan stares almost unconsciously at Aaron’s forearms and he wants to wring his neck in. He refrains, just shakes his head.

“Aaron. I’m always going to go there.” Nathan says, and Aaron’s eyes widen. “No. I mean ... I’m always going to worry.”

“Well _stop_.” Aaron practically shouts and then he stops, he breathes in and out and Nathan stares at him nervously. “Remember when we first met?” Nathan nods. “You didn’t know then, about anything, about all this shit I’d just gone through.”

“Yeah I remember.” Nathan whispers. “But if you think I can just forget then I can’t. I love you Aaron. I want to be here for you, through everything.”

“Even when there’s nothing to be there for me about?”

Nathan frowns. “Pretty sure you’ve just described a relationship there.” He smiles faintly and Aaron feels his heart thud out of nowhere. He suddenly feels inadequate. He thinks of the way he was robbed of any chance of experiencing a long stretch of normalcy in relationships after his first boyfriend. He gets wrapped up in the thoughts until Nathan is sighing. “I’m not apologising for caring.” He folds his arms over, manages to look all serious.

Aaron’s never ever going to want him to apologise for it.

“Can we go back to talking about flats?” Aaron asks. “Because I promise you my mental health is absolutely fine.” He says.

Nathan worries his brow. “I’m sorry for badgering.”

“Checking more like.” Aaron stops and then rolls his eyes as he thinks. “Is this my mum?”

Nathan shrugs. “She might have had a chat with me.”

Aaron shakes his head. “You’re both as bad as each other.” He says before he feels Nathan kiss him gently. “You know I’ve never felt safer than I do with you.” He says against his lips.

Nathan’s smile is almost blinding.

“Good ‘cause I’m not going anywhere.”

Aaron smiles back at him and then looks down to read the menu. His phone burns a whole in his pocket as he thinks of Robert’s question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i seem to be speeding ahead with chapters and have lots planned to come (canon moments and non canon) which is basically already written out (although it’ll be quite a long way away in terms of chapters) so all your wonderful comments really do help, thanks so much!


	10. A shower gel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron is left shaken after an evening at robert's place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bigger chapter than i thought it would be so i hope you enjoy. it should have been out tomorrow but it's one robert j sugden's birthday and i had to share fic to celebrate 
> 
> ... who wants to see robert's place?????????

Aaron’s holding Robert’s hand again. He’s pulling at him to follow, and they end up in the gardens of the park Aaron sits in when he wants time to think. It feels weird, having Robert know about this secret little place of his.

They’re sat on a bench, sandwiches between them and kissing gently and then more heated once the world starts to quiet down around them.

Aaron leans up for air and has a hand soft against Robert’s neck. He strokes slowly, looks up and pulls a face.

“This you making it up to me?” Robert’s a dick almost three quarters of the time. He’s bossy, talks way too much and wears pretentious shirts to work for no reason. He’s a lot of things. Aaron’s realising. “Staring at my face.”

Aaron shrugs. “Not illegal is it.” He says. They’re on the edge of being snappy with each other and he holds back to frown. “You’re all freckly. I hadn’t even noticed.”

Robert bites his tongue and Aaron’s almost mesmerised by how attractive he looks. “You’ve been busy looking elsewhere.”

Aaron moves his hand away from Robert neck and sits on the bench, breathes out and shakes his head. “Your head is the biggest I’ve ever seen.”

“And the compliments just keep coming don’t they?”

Aaron throws Robert this look. “I don’t do compliments.”

Robert scoffs. “Give it a go.” He teases, he has a hand on Aaron’s thigh, and it makes Aaron shudder as he stares at him.

“Like your freckles.” Aaron says. Robert smirks and then he’s laughing. “What?”

“No one’s ever said that.”

Aaron rolls his eyes, blushes red. “So you won’t take it?”

Robert leans forward and he brushes his face towards Aaron’s. The light hits his face and Aaron sees bright green hitting soft long lashes. He just stares.

“I’ll take it.” Robert whispers before kissing Aaron again.

—

Nathan’s predictable almost one hundred percent of the time. Aaron likes it that way. The one time he isn’t is now, Aaron’s panting hard against Robert’s mouth and kissing at his neck with this eagerness inside him that is set to burst and then his phone goes off.

“Don’t.” Robert says, he practically grinds his hips into Aaron’s. It makes them both hitch a breath, almost overwhelmed by the feeling of each other.

The phone carries on and Aaron’s forced to push Robert off of him and check how he looks in the mirror. It’s Nathan. Aaron wipes at his mouth and looks at how Robert’s top button is hanging on for dear life and the way they’ve completely ignored the fact that Aaron’s car isn’t exactly built for shagging in.

It wasn’t even the plan. Robert has a flat and Aaron wants to see it so that’s where this was heading.

Only now Nathan is ringing, and Aaron knows he should answer it. He’s suddenly remembers that Nathan’s meant to be presenting his designs to some clients tonight. Aaron’s supposed to have remembered all of this and he’s scared about how quickly it’s slipped his mind.

“Of course I’ll be there.” Aaron’s saying as he looks at the way Robert is staring up at him. He breathes in and gulps thickly against the panting he’s trying to keep at bay. “Yeah. Love you too.” He puts the phone down against his thigh and looks over at Robert.

He stares at him for a second before speaking.

“There’s some client thing of Nathan’s. He’s presenting his plans. It’s a big deal.”

Robert bites his lip hard and then his eyes flicker over towards Aaron like he’s still trying to undress him or something. “Sounds interesting.”

“Shut up.” Aaron says before he’s leaning in and kissing at Robert’s neck and then up towards his mouth again. It’s slow at first and then it quickly becomes something faster.

Aaron’s practically on Robert’s lap and they only break apart again when a car goes past, and Aaron’s phone makes a noise.

“So you’re not seeing my bed then?”

Aaron shuts his eyes. “Not today.”

Robert sighs. “Said that the other day too.”

“I need to go.” Aaron’s whispering the words out as he speaks and then Robert’s nodding. He’s agreeing and then kissing at Aaron again. “I mean it.” He says, half-heartedly at best.

Aaron slides away awkwardly, kicking the door and swearing as he leans off of Robert and back towards the driver’s seat. They’re in the middle of nowhere. The trees are high and the birds tweet loudly as Aaron thinks about how much he doesn’t want to leave.

“Annual thing is it?” Robert looks at Aaron and then frowns. “Nathan’s. Thing.”

Aaron scratches his eyebrow. “It’s just a showing off thing.” He instantly feels bad and he takes it back but Robert’s already smirking. “Right.” He clears his throat and turns the car on. “I’m dropping you back at work OK?”

Robert nods.

“Aaron?” Robert asks, ten minutes later when they’re back on the main road. Aaron turns towards him and tries to look irritated. “Will you be wearing a suit? Like you know ... full one?”

Aaron rolls his eyes.

“You’re sending me a picture.”

Aaron bites his lip. “You’re weird.”

“Yeah. And you owe me.”

Aaron shakes his head but sighs. “Fine.”

“And one of you out of it please.” Robert says as he climbs out of the car and leans against the window. “Have a fun night.” He says and Aaron feels almost breathless as he watches him disappear down the road.

—

The event is as boring as Aaron thought it would be. He spends half the time stuck in the corner with a champagne flute in hand and hearing people tell him that Nathan is brilliant. He knows all of this; he knows that Nathan does more than designing a couple of websites and bringing in money for the company he works for.

Now Nathan’s talking to a client, his arms flying through the air as he speaks, and Aaron smiles at him warmly before he looks back down at his champagne and takes his phone out. He looks at his wallpaper, him and Nathan like it should be, and then he looks at Robert’s number.

He’s sent him a shitty picture of himself in his suit and regretted it as soon as he did. He’s not got a reply back yet and then almost like he wills it to happen, he’s seeing that Robert is typing.

**From R** : Not bad (20:49)

Aaron bites his lip and then shakes at his head slowly.

**To R:** Really? Won’t send any more then (20:50)

**From R** : Don’t be mean. You already blew me off to probably be standing in a massive room with a weird modern lighting (20:51)

Aaron frowns up at the yellow and white lights that hang from what he supposes is art. He tilts his head to see it and then he’s smiling back down at Robert’s messages.

**To R:** I thought you were annoyed that I didn’t blow you off? (20:52)

Aaron looks around and sees that Nathan’s still talking. He feels out of place until Robert is sending him another text and he’s concentrating almost solely on his phone and what he’s seeing.

**From R** : Sort of wish you were here (20:52)

Aaron gulps thickly at the message, the way the ‘sort of’ hangs in the air and makes it difficult to breathe properly.

**To R:** I wish I was there too (20:52)

The text sends before he has the chance to read it over in his mind. His heart pounds as he sees that Robert is typing back something.

**From R:** You’d rather be here then? (20:53)

Aaron closes his eyes around what it sounds like.

**To R:** Yeah (20:54)

Aaron sends it and then sees Nathan walking towards him. He shoves his phone back into his pocket and downs the rest of the champagne in his glass. A waiter passes by and he takes another two.

Nathan takes one, arches an eyebrow. “Why you hiding over here then?”

Aaron shrugs. “You were talking.”

Nathan squints. “You good? You look all red.”

Aaron gulps hard, and then tilts his head back into his glass. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” He says. Then Nathan’s leaning over and kissing him gently on the mouth.

Aaron feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and he jumps, moves away as Nathan’s face is still pressed against his.

“What — was that your phone?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Yeah. Probably just ...” He brings it out for some reason, he has it limp in his hand and then Nathan is tilting his head so he can see. Aaron tries to pull it away but then he watches Nathan’s eyes widen.

Aaron’s face falls.

“It’s your mum.”

Aaron gulps hard, feels the relief hit him over the head. “Yeah.” He grapples to see for himself. “Just ... asking if we’re watching that crime thingy on the telly right now.” He shrugs and Nathan gives him this look again.

It disappears when Nathan’s called away.

—

**To Aaron:** You free later? (09:19)

It’s been three days since Aaron turned him down and Robert sends the text with his eyes shut. He almost throws his phone across the room considering the way Aaron didn’t reply to his message the other night.

He’d made out it didn’t matter. He’s doing the same now.

**From Aaron:** Yeah. What time? (09:22)

**To Aaron** : I’m leaving early. Half six? (09:22)

Robert stares at his phone until he realises that he should be working on a briefing and Leyla’s heels against the floor badger the point home. She’s waving folders in his face and he takes them with a sigh.

He’s in the meeting room, far away from Aaron and suddenly he thinks he needs something from his desk. He goes to get up when his phone is ringing, and he sees that it’s Aaron.

“Hey.” Robert says gently. He clears his throat when he hears that Aaron’s around Jimmy and his fat gob.

“Later. I’m free.”

Robert bites his lip. “Yeah. You said.”

“Your place on the cards?” Aaron asks. Robert thinks about it for a second, it seems intimate. He’s done one-night stands, but they’ve never been invited back to his. It’s been the other way around, easy escape and all that. Only now it isn’t like that, it’s an affair.

Aaron’s sort of his, sort of isn’t. The thought sends him into this tizzy that he’d rather not be in. He only starts speaking when Aaron asks if he’s still there.

“Yeah. I am. Yeah. Umm ... I’ll text you my address.” Robert tells him. He stares down at the glass table and sees himself in the reflection. He stares down and then breathes in.

“It’s big right?” Aaron trips on his words. “Your bed. It better be, you keep — banging on about it.”

Robert laughs. “Are we still talking about the size of my bed?”

Aaron sighs and then makes this little noise. “Just text me yeah? I’ll see you later.” He hangs up and Robert stares down at the glass table again before looking at the folders in front of him.

Robert sends him his address, debates whether or not he’s acting too quickly as he replies. He waits ten minutes to actually send the message and then waits three more hours until there’s this knock on the door.

He opens it quickly and then feels like he’s being almost punched by the force of Aaron kissing him. He’s moving them towards where there’s a bed and Robert has to manoeuvre them away when Aaron nearly smacks his head against the wall. Robert’s hand cushions the blow, and he cradles Aaron’s head before pulling away.

“Slow down.” Robert laughs, he actually laughs, and Aaron feels like he’s being electrocuted by it. “We’ve got ...”

Aaron pushes Robert back against the bed and then kisses him again. “You’re right. It is big.”

“Are you _sure_ you’re still talking about the bed or ...” Aaron doesn’t let him finish, he’s pinning him down and Robert’s panting hard in his ear for what feels like forever.

It doesn’t last though, eventually Robert’s lampshade has a massive dent in it and his decorative pillows are thrown across the place. Aaron’s sure there’s one that’s ended up in the hallway. He’s not even sure how.

Aaron hangs off of Robert and slides down next to him. He sighs gently and then runs a hand over his hair. “That was ...” It’s strange to think he can’t find the words to describe it. He feels almost panicked by it all.

He tries not to think about it at all, he looks up at the white ceiling and then takes in the dark blue walls of Robert’s room. Then he takes one of Robert’s pillows and hugs at it before twisting to face Robert.

“Been waiting for that.”

Robert smirks, his freckles seem to be darker and brighter at the same time all over his shoulders. Aaron stares. “Not my fault you’ve been busy.” He says. “But I do aim to please.”

Aaron nods. “You do please.” He says before kissing Robert again and tugging at his hair loosely. It lasts for a few seconds before he has to get his breath back. He’s never had a problem with stamina like this and it’s all he can think about as Robert’s massive hands swoop in and hold him tight around the middle.

“Bed’s comfy right?” Robert says.

It is. It’s massive and Robert has way too much time on his hands considering the purple sheets match the exact colour of the artwork he’s got near his wardrobe. But it’s nice. It doesn’t feel like a home though. There’s hardly any pictures on the walls, he can work out Robert with two women and a man on some farm but that’s about it.

“Have you not lived here long?” Aaron tucks his face further into the pillows and frowns at Robert.

Robert turns towards him a little and shrugs. “About three years. Why? Doesn’t it look like it?”

Aaron scoffs. “That’s about as long as me and Nathan have been together.” He instantly regrets what he’s said as soon as the words fall out of his mouth. Robert looks awkward and Aaron shuts his eyes closed for a second.

“I’m a minimalist.” Robert says after a couple of seconds have gone by. “Besides. I’ve not got a massive family so ... there’s not endless pictures about.”

“Count yourself lucky there.” Aaron pulls this face. “I’ve got more cousins than I can name.”

Robert smiles faintly at Aaron. It’s weird, Aaron almost feels safe enough to share things about them.

“My mum owns a pub.”

Robert looks impressed. “Beats owning a farm. I think.” He blinks it out and Aaron holds Robert’s hand up to stare at it.

“Your hands look too ... tidy.” Aaron pulls a face. Robert’s massive hand is in front of his face as Aaron strokes his thumb over Robert’s soft knuckles. Aaron thinks that if someone saw just Robert’s hands they’d think he was the gentlest person they’ve ever seen. He’s not though, Robert’s harsh and his tongue is sharp, and he has way too much to say sometimes. “Have you ever even touched a barrel of hay?”

Robert looks insulted for all of two seconds. “I grew up on a farm. I helped out.”

Aaron arches an eyebrow. “Really?”

Robert nods. “My brother did most of it. But now my dad’s ...” He gulps. “Well he’s dead so it’s just my brother.”

Aaron searches Robert’s face. “Sorry.”

Robert gulps thickly and then shrugs again before staring up at the ceiling and basking in the quiet of everything again.

“I’d say you could stay but that’s not what happens here.”

Aaron breathes in, finds it almost amusing. “Did you read a book up on what happens in an affair?”

Robert doesn’t seem to find it funny. He hardens slightly. “No.” He says.

Aaron suddenly regrets even speaking, even staying. Robert loosens his grip slightly on Aaron’s frame and Aaron shuffles slightly so that he’s in view of his jeans tossed against the floor.

 _Any other person and you’d be out the door before he could string a sentence together again._ It’s all Aaron can think about.

When Aaron turns towards Robert again he notices the way he’s staring at his stomach. He tenses slightly and then sighs hard.

“Sorry.” Robert says, like he already knows what he’s done wrong. Aaron sort of doesn’t know how he’s supposed to do this. He didn’t expect to have to lay next to Robert and watch him stare at his scars. “I just ...”

“Do they bother you?” Aaron says.

“What? No.” Robert replies. He brings a hand towards his hair and shakes it before sighing. “I wasn’t ... staring because they bother me. I shouldn’t have stared.”

Aaron stares at the faint markings over Robert’s body, he almost wants to ask but then he stops himself and decides to be as blunt as he possibly can. “Yes they’re self-harming scars. No I don’t do it anymore.”

Robert nods gently. “OK.”

“I’m not telling you why I did it.” Aaron says. He freezes slightly and looks at Robert’s body. He can’t help but looking at it, being attracted to it and this maddening way. It’s not helping him, he wants to be reserved, stoic.

Robert looks at Aaron. “I don’t have to tell you either.” He says it and Aaron’s eyes widen as he looks at Robert’s body and sees the scars almost clearer now that Robert’s actually mentioned them or skirted around them at least. “They’re not important.”

Aaron gulps thickly. He goes to get up and Robert’s hand on his back makes his legs shake.

“I don’t expect you to say anything.” Robert says, he stares up at Aaron with big round eyes and then leans in to kiss him. “I expect you to kiss me back though.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and it’s like there’s no tension anymore. He feels everything begin to fall away, he feels himself being laid back and Robert’s hands falling just below his waist.

Everything stops for a second or two, and then another and another until Aaron’s yanking at the back of Robert’s hair. “ _Fuck_.” He says. He watches Robert smile at him and then lean away again.

The sun’s set now. Aaron hasn’t looked at his phone for hours and he’s thinking about how far he can go with that excuse about having a meeting with a client after work. He doesn’t even know what time it is.

Robert is just lying next to him. His shoulders are so broad, and his hair is floppy against his forehead. Aaron watches as Robert brings a hand up towards his face, delicate and soft and Aaron almost doesn’t want to see any of it. He doesn’t pull away though, he just sort of stares back at him until Robert is looking away and up towards the ceiling.

“What you thinking about?”

“About you and Nathan actually.” Aaron looks towards him. “Is that weird?”

Aaron’s shoulders tense a little. “Yeah. It really is.”

“How’d you meet?” Robert says. “I don’t know anything about ...”

“Why would you want to?” Aaron doesn’t get it at all and then he sees the look on Robert’s face. He gives in. “I’ve known him for five years, been together for nearly three.”

Robert frowns. “How comes you ...”

“He was a mate at first. I’d gone through something ... really bad.” Aaron tightens his eyes closed for a second. “He was just there. He made things easier. He waited until I was ready.” Aaron stares out the window and remembers it in one swoop of a memory.

“Right.” Robert says. “I just wanted to see what I was working with.”

“Working with?”

Robert shrugs. “This situation.” He frowns a little. “Do you love him?” He asks after a few minutes of silence.

Aaron nods almost immediately. “Of course I do.” He says. “He’s been there for me through so much.” He looks from the window to the ceiling to Robert and sees how he’s staring at him. It’s almost a challenge. “What?”

Robert shakes his head. “Nothing.” He says. “Where’s he think you are?”

Aaron bites his lip. He knows Nathan wanted to see a film in the cinema tonight, something about dragons taking over the world. He made excuses to be laying here, naked and stretched out in another guy’s bed. “Client thing.”

“Right.”

“Satisfied now?” Aaron asks. Robert wriggles an eyebrow. “About where you stand or whatever you were just on about?”

Robert has this hand on Aaron’s face again and he kisses him as he nods. “Yeah. Pretty sure I am.” He says. Aaron watches as Robert’s hand reaches out to squeeze his waist. “I’m hungry though.” He tells Aaron. “Reckon I could rustle something up.”

Aaron thinks about it for a few seconds and then five minutes later he’s sitting on the counter and watching Robert stir pasta in a pot and then pour tomato sauce over it all when it’s ready.

“Oh. Cheese.”

Aaron watches Robert potter about in the kitchen in his black briefs and floppy hair and he smiles. Robert takes out this fancy block of cheese and Aaron grates it over both the bowls before sticking it under Aaron’s nose.

“This is really good?” Aaron’s surprised, his eyes are wide and his heart thumps in his chest. “Like really good.”

“No need to sound so surprised.” Robert tells him. He sets the bowl down and then leans into Aaron’s space. “I’m a pretty decent chef.”

“Anything else you’re pretty decent at?”

Robert shrugs. “Really good to pretty decent in a matter of seconds. Seems unfair.” He says. He leans forward to kiss Aaron and gets shoved back by a kick to his shin.

“Oi. I’m eating.”

Robert leans back, watches for a second. “I actually make a mean lasagna too. My mum’s recipe but ... next time I can make some. Or I can teach _you_ , I bet you’re ...”

“I was hungry Robert.” Aaron says it as quickly as he can. He says it because Robert has his arms crossed, hips out and is leaning against the wall like all of this is just a causal weekday dinner.

Robert freezes slightly. “Yeah. Looks like it.” He points to the bowl and then up at Aaron. “What’s the problem?”

Aaron slides off the counter. “This. You’re not — we’re not doing this. All this is ... it’s not — not cosy homemade dinners.”

Robert gulps thickly. “It’s pasta.”

“You know what I mean.”

“This is a _distraction_ from my actual life. OK? Not cooking plans and pillow talk.” Aaron blurts it out and sees the way Robert is staring at him. He looks like someone’s swept the rug up from underneath him. It stays on Aaron’s mind; he doesn’t know how to take any of it back.

Robert gulps hard again and then he’s looking towards the floor and nodding his head. “Noted.” He says before he’s moving past Aaron and walking into the bedroom again.

Aaron closes his eyes, kicks himself as he hears the door close. He’s opening it ten minutes later.

“I washed up.” Aaron doesn’t say he’s sorry. He doesn’t say that he regrets making Robert look at him the way he did.

Robert’s still in just his boxers. He looks up through batted soft lashes and Aaron finds it difficult to look away from him.

Aaron steps further into the room. Then steps away again like he’s unsure.

“I think you should be going. Don’t you?”

Aaron looks around for his phone. “I don’t even know what time it ...”

“Best we don’t confuse things.” Robert says. He sounds like he’s trying to be distant and cold, but Aaron can still hear all this emotion in it. “Worry Nathan.”

Aaron chews on his lip and then sees Robert’s phone out of the corner of his eye. “It’s — half nine.” He runs a hand through his hair and reaches for his trousers.

Robert almost feels guilty. He sits up straighter and then finds Aaron’s phone amongst the covers. He tries not to look as he passes it over.

Aaron takes it slowly and sees that he’s only got three messages from Nathan. He shakes his head and starts grabbing for his clothes before picturing Nathan being close to him. He’d be a fucking idiot if he didn’t notice Robert’s cologne and the way it’s hanging over him. “Can I use your shower?”

Robert crosses his arms over. “I’m not sure that’s permitted under the official just sex rules.”

Aaron freezes. “Robert. Seriously.”

“OK. Fine.” Robert waves a hand out and shows him to it. Aaron jumps in, sees Robert lent up against the wall with his arms crossed, watching through the glass. “Just say you were held up with a client, Lawrence made you wine and dine him.”

Aaron nods his head slowly.

“I’ll leave you to it.” Robert says, and Aaron thinks he’s back to being annoyed by his outburst.

“Robert.” Aaron calls. He watches Robert come back and then he’s suddenly opening the shower door and pulling Robert in close. His eyes darken and Robert stares, shower head spraying him lightly as he stands in just his boxers.

Aaron falls to his knees and Robert is frozen as he looks up. It’s like he’s trying to work out whether Aaron should be this close after being such a dick. Robert’s hands relax into Aaron’s hair after a few seconds and Aaron tells himself that the way he makes Robert moan isn’t an apology for anything at all.

—

The flat is quiet when Aaron finally gets back. It’s just gone quarter past ten, so he isn’t surprised to see the lights off as he kicks his shoes towards the rack and takes his coat off.

Aaron stays pressed against the wall thinking for what feels like an hour about the fact that his excuse is absolute bullshit. He’s not had anything to drink, Nathan won’t buy the fact that he’s spent half the night with some old bloke trying to get him to sign a deal.

For a second he thinks about calling Robert. He doesn’t even know why. Then he puts his phone back down, decides to face the music and slowly creep into their bedroom. He half expects Nathan sitting up with this worried look on his face but he’s not even there.

“Nathan?” Aaron says, he flicks the night light on, touches the bed and sees that it’s cold.

His first thought is that Nathan’s just upt and left which is absolutely saying everything there is to say about his insecurities. There’s this panic running through him as he opens the bathroom door and sees that he’s not there either.

Aaron starts pacing, gets to the front room and realises that Nathan’s keys aren’t on the coffee table and he’s definitely taken his wallet. It feels strange, it feels like something’s being taken from Aaron without any warning and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t feel like the biggest bout of karma he’s ever received.

After a few minutes of walking about, he decides to get undressed. He sticks some joggers on and a blue t-shirt for bed and then tries ringing him a couple of times. He gets a voicemail, and then another one and then he’s seeing the letter R appear out of nowhere.

**From R** : Did the excuse hold up? (10:33)

Aaron bites his lip, wonders how much Robert would enjoy if Nathan had really fucked off. He wouldn’t, Aaron tells himself. It wouldn’t change anything. They’d still be laying somewhere and then pulling jeans back on as soon as the moment past.

Aaron hovers a hand over the phone, thinks about telling him how worried he is, how Nathan’s not here and it doesn’t make sense. He thinks and then thinks again.

**To R:** All good yeah (10:35)

Aaron watches the bubbles appear as Robert starts typing again and then the door is being opened and Nathan’s standing there looking like he’s just seen a ghost.

“Where’ve you been?” Aaron asks, he really has the audacity to do that.

Nathan takes his coat off slowly and doesn’t say anything at all.

“I’ve been ringing you.”

“Yeah. I rang you too. Didn’t get an answer.” Nathan places his keys on the table and then sits slowly on the sofa next to Aaron. “Where were you?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Client thing. I’ve been back ...”

“Ages? Sorry. I left at like seven, must have just missed you.”

Aaron worries his lip. “Sorry I didn’t answer. I must have been in the shower or something.” Nathan nods slowly. “Nathan. What’s happened?”

Nathan lets out this sigh like he’s been holding it in for hours. “Sonny got into a fight.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and thinks of him, Nathan’s hapless younger brother who won’t admit that he needs help when it’s painfully obvious. Aaron’s watched Nathan pour his heart into being there for him and he doesn’t know how to not resent the way Sonny always throws it back in their faces.

“About what?”

Nathan shrugs. “Does he need an excuse? He wanted money to ... to score.” Aaron closes his eyes. “So I think he just tried mugging someone and it went wrong so I had to go and beg the police officer to let him go.”

“And did he?”

“The other guy didn’t want to press charges so yeah ...” Nathan bites the skin around his thumb. “I had to sit and wait for ages for them to let him out. Then he just tells me to do one.”

Aaron breathes in. “Who’s he think he is?”

Nathan looks up. “An addict Aaron. That’s who.”

Aaron’s face falls and he brings a hand towards Nathan, tries to apologise. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just ... you can’t help him if he doesn’t think he needs help.”

“So I just let him carry on like this?” Nathan shakes his head. “My mum and dad are too old to be dealing with his _shit_.”

“Exactly. He needs help.” Aaron sighs hard and then comes even closer so that Nathan can reach out and hug him. He’s not crying but he’s close to it and Aaron’s hit by this wave of guilt. “I’m sorry.” He blurts out.

“Not your fault is it.” Nathan pulls away and then he’s running a hand up and down Aaron’s arm.

Aaron shrugs out a response and then bites his lip. “It’ll be OK.” He promises and then Nathan’s wrapping his arms around him and they’re staying huddled together for ages on the sofa.

He thinks Nathan’s fallen asleep against him, he tries to do the same, but his eyes stay wide open and he thinks about what he was doing only a couple of hours ago. Robert was everywhere, too close and too far away and Aaron _loved_ it. He did. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to pretend like he didn’t.

Nathan bumps at Aaron’s chin as he sniffs and then smiles. “You smell good.”

Aaron gulps hard, freezing a little. “Shower’s do that.” He whispers, like he’s trying to coax him back to sleep.

“Hmm. What did you use?”

Aaron thinks of Robert finally pulling away from him in the shower, his hair wet and darker for it and his hands picking up a shower gel bottle and telling Aaron it’s worth thirty quid so he was banned from using too much.

He was hardly listening then. He’s hardly listening now. He gets a tiny shove from Nathan and then he’s lying again.

“Just something at the back of the cupboard.” He says, and then he’s peeling himself away from Nathan hastily and walking towards their bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again just wanted to say a massive thank you for all the love and comments, fic at the moment literally is helping people tackle boredom whilst at home and ik it's been helping me too! leaving gratitude and thanks is the loveliest gift back so thank you so much and keep leaving comments on fic you read!! 
> 
> also: my tumblr is jacobsantiagos now if anyone wants to know


	11. A drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron has an argument with nathan, robert offers surprising support

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for: discussion of drug/alcohol addiction

  
Aaron’s spent half the morning with a frown on his face because Robert’s spent half the morning ignoring him. He gets that they’re at work, he’s not an idiot and yet he feels like there’s this stretch of space laid out between them that he can’t quite grab.

“Have you got a minute?” Aaron leans down. Robert looks up, he’s got his sleeves rolled up and Aaron breathes through his nose as he stares.

“No.” Robert says. “I’m busy.”

Aaron nods his head and looks around. Jimmy’s in a world of his own and everyone else seems to be actually working. “Robert ...”

“I said I’m busy Aaron.”

Aaron’s face twitches. “I just wanted to ...”

“To what?” Robert finally looks up and he feels something snap. It’s been brewing ever since Aaron left the way he did. “You know I’m not just something to pick up and put down.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Where’s this coming ...”

Robert stands sharply, picks up a bunch of papers and Aaron stops back slightly. “I’ve got work to do.”

“Don’t be like that.” Aaron rolls his eyes. He doesn’t know what to do with his feet as Robert charges off. He wants to tell him to do one, but he doesn’t. Instead he’s following him. “Robert.” He says.

Robert spins around slowly. “What?”

Aaron frowns. “This about the shower gel? Did I use too much or something?” He tries to come forward, joke. He has a hand close to Robert’s and he wants to hold him but Robert steps back.

He steps back because Aaron’s Aaron and he feels this need to protect himself. There’s this wall up that won’t budge. He’s not even sure why he let it fall down. “Anything else?”

Aaron’s mouth gapes open. “I just.”

“Just what?”

“I didn’t mean to ...” Aaron clears his throat. “When I snapped at you about the ...”

Robert rolls his eyes. “When you weren’t up for making cheating on your boyfriend with me _cosy_? I think that’s what you meant.”

Aaron arches an eyebrow. “You know what this is.”

“Yeah. You made that clear. Only you’re the one who asked to come round to mine so who was making it cosy.” Robert says. Aaron’s stumped but he tries to say something. “Just leave me alone.”

Aaron watches as he walks away and then leans against the wall and closes his eyes shut.

—

Aaron has his arms crossed and he’s staring at the ceiling of the place and then looking back down towards the woman standing in front of them. She’s looking all presentable, has this sharp fringe and grey suit on.

Nathan’s hardly paying attention to a word she’s saying. He’s got his head stuck towards his phone and he’s shaking his head at something. Aaron sighs, yanks his boyfriend towards the main bedroom after making his excuses.

“I asked if you were ready for this and you said you were.” Aaron’s saying. He’s standing in someone else’s flat trying his hardest to actually pay attention to everything around him and Nathan’s not helping for once.

“I am. It’s just ...” Nathan’s looking at his phone again. “It’s Sonny.” He looks around the room and then sits on the bed. “He’s just been trying to get a hold of me but it’s fine.”

Aaron sighs and joins Nathan on the bed. “We’re meant to be flat hunting.” He reminds him. “I asked you this morning if we should give it a miss.”

“But they had an opening.” Nathan argues. He looks around the room again. “This place is nice. Don’t you think?”

Aaron doesn’t really know what he thinks. He’s seen it, heard the woman bang on about how the light comes into the room and why having double glazed widows is going to make the world of difference. Yet he’s still seeing just a room.

“Yeah it is.” Aaron runs a hand over his thigh and then Nathan’s sighing. “What?”

“It might not be within budget.”

Aaron frowns. “It’s the first thing I asked. It definitely is.” He shrugs and then Nathan’s making him say “What?” again because of his weird faces.

“Sonny needs some money.”

Aaron scoffs. “Yeah and we both know what for.” He says. “You can’t just give in to his habit, help it get worse.”

Nathan worries his lip. “No I’ll just let someone else do it, someone dangerous.” He shrugs. “He needs my help. I can put him through rehab.”

“He won’t stay.”

“Maybe he will.”

Aaron scowls. “Of course he won’t.” He says. “Nathan. You can’t just pay for this to go away.”

Nathan looks hurt suddenly. “I should have known you wouldn’t get it.”

Aaron sighs. “Nathan ...”

“How about we talk about Liv, and what she’s been ...”

Aaron’s eyes widen under what he’s talking about. “That’s out of order.” He suddenly stands.

“How? She’s an alcoholic Aaron, despite what you try and ignore.”

Aaron feels this ringing in his ears, and he tries to gather his thoughts before he says something he’ll regret. He’s almost stunned. For a second he’s back shouting and screaming with his little sister and she just doesn’t understand that she needs help.

“I’ve not ignored anything.” Aaron whispers. He stares down at Nathan. “I know she’s got problems.”

“Yeah. She can’t have a drink.” Nathan tells him what he knows only it sounds cruel. “I know you didn’t want to put her though rehab but I’m just going to give up on ...”

Aaron gulps hard. “Give up?”

“Pack him off to Scotland like she’s trouble and ...”

Aaron feels himself boiling over and he can’t catch his breath for a second. ”What the hell is wrong with you? Like your brother’s some _saint_.” Aaron shakes his head. “Do you hear yourself?” His hands are balled into a fist and suddenly he’s pulling the door open and thundering out the house before Nathan can say anything else.

—

Aaron’s charging down the road. He’s left the car there, but he should have taken it because his legs are absolutely killing him now. He’s not even sure where he’s going, his feet are taking him towards work, and he wants to turn right back around considering he’s taken the day off at the last minute for this flat seeing stuff.

After another five minutes, he suddenly comes to a halt when he sees Robert’s car slowing down near him. He’s not sure how he’s ended up so close to him again. 

Robert’s driving right alongside him, windows down and eyes fixed on Aaron’s. Aaron stops walking.

“You OK?”

Aaron suddenly looks away, puts his hands in his pockets. “Fine.” He goes to walk forward again, and Robert keeps up with him. “Robert. I said I’m fine.”

“You look like you’ve been crying.” Robert says, he’s got this frown on his face as well.

Aaron doesn’t know if he has. He knows that whenever he gets angry his face goes bright red and his vision blurs. The thought of Robert seeing him cry makes him practically bolt though.

He thinks about how he pushed him when Robert started to talk about doing normal stuff together. There’s this need to backtrack on it all quickly.

“Why’d you care? You want me to leave you alone don’t you?”

Robert pulls this face and his jaw locks. “Suit yourself.” Robert says. Aaron expects him to speed up, but he slows down instead. “I’ll just stay here for a second.” The engine is still running, and Robert moves his hands around the wheel of the car before stopping and sighing.

Aaron thinks about leaving for another two seconds before he’s opening the car door and seeing how puffy his eyes look in the rear-view mirror. He silently curses himself and then Robert’s looking at him.

“Where do you want to go?”

Aaron just stares ahead, shrugs. “Anywhere.” He says.

Anywhere is some country pub miles away from town and anyway from prying eyes. It’s also opening out a packet of ready salted crisps in the middle of the table and sipping pints as the world goes by.

Aaron stares down at the table, sees the ring stains glasses have left and the way some old bloke in the corner of the room is staring over at them. Aaron supposes it’s because they’re both hunched over; moving in each other’s spaces. He thinks about the fact that he’s had sex with Robert, enjoys having sex with him and yet this is what’s making him almost nervous.

Eventually Robert stares up at him with big wide eyes and shuffles on his seat. “I know you’re not a big talker but ...”

Aaron moves his body away, elbows lifting off the table. “What do you want me to say?”

“Why you’re nearly frothing at the mouth?” Robert almost jokes and then he’s looking more seriously. “Sorry. I ... I just didn’t see you around work today.”

“Took the day off.”

Robert nods, “Wouldn’t be you avoiding me would it?”

Aaron frowns. “What?”

“No sex so no talking right?” Robert’s suddenly a bastard who remembers a whole lot and makes Aaron want to shake him.

“I got in the car didn’t I?”

Robert nods. “To escape something else.” He says. Aaron just rolls his eyes and then he’s turning his head towards the window and straightening his back, so he’s not so hunched over.

“It ain’t any of your business.”

Robert nods his head slowly and Aaron’s surprised. He doesn’t push, shove at him until he gets an answer. He just sits. They both just _sit_ in silence for a second.

Aaron gulps hard, his eyes flick over to Robert’s briefly. “Flat hunting. With Nathan.”

Robert nods. “Right.” He says. Aaron studies how he reacts. “Didn’t think it’d be with Finn.”

Aaron almost smiles, almost. Then he pulls back and shudders.

“Thought you already had one?”

“It’s his place.” Aaron says, shrugs. Then he looks down again. When he looks up, Robert is pulling this face. “I want a place of our own too. It’s not that.”

Robert sips at his pint slowly and Aaron just stares at him. He’s wearing his work suit, pink tie swaying slightly every time he bends.

Aaron blinks, crosses his arms to make himself almost smaller. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“I just had a meeting.” Robert says. “I was driving back when I saw you so ...” He shrugs. “Fancied a pint didn’t I?”

Aaron breathes in a little and then looks around the small pub again. He realises that the old bloke was probably only staring because Robert’s sitting here in a fancy suit and he’s only got a purple hoodie thrown on. Aaron thinks about how unmatched they look for a second and then he’s back to sipping his pint and staring out the window again.

Aaron half expects Robert to push again, but he doesn’t. He just drums his hands against the table and stays silent.

“Nathan’s brother is a drug addict, the other night he got arrested and Nathan was there for him like _always_. He thinks paying for drugs himself or treatment or whatever is going to help him, but he doesn’t want it.”

Robert frowns. “What else can he do?”

Aaron doesn’t expect to hear a question. “What’s that mean?”

“I’m just thinking about if it was my sister, I’d do everything I can to help, you know. That’s all he’s doing.” Robert sips at his pint and then leans forward a little.

Aaron bounces his leg and then tilts his head to the side. “Yeah. I really know.” He says darkly, biting at the skin around his thumb. He stops. Then starts again. “My sister has ... she’s ... well she struggles.”

“With drugs?”

Aaron shakes his head. “Alcohol.” He whispers. “She’s only just turned eighteen.”

Robert’s eyes widen and Aaron suddenly wishes he never even told him about her. He doesn’t know what he expected, he isn’t even sure why he felt this need to tell Robert about something only a handful of people know about. He expects Robert to just sit there in silence, but he leans over even more and gulps.

“Does she live with you and Nathan?”

“No. Her mum. I see her but not that often anymore since I moved out with Nathan. Even before that really we ... we didn’t like her near my mum’s.”

Robert frowns. Aaron goes to speak but then he’s nodding. “Who owns a pub. I get it.” He remembers and Aaron sort of blushes bright red for a couple of seconds.

“Yeah.” Aaron says, he sips at his pint and notices it’s nearly finished.

Robert’s eyebrow arches and then he sighs. ”Is she ... doing alright?”

“Now yeah.” Aaron blows out a breath. “This time last year she was bad and ... secretive.” He feels himself becoming angry as he thinks of Nathan. “Rehab was on the cards, but ... I was worried about social services and all that. So I said to just keep monitoring her you know?” Robert nods. “Nathan knows all this and he just — he made out that her being in Scotland and not in rehab was me failing her or something.”

Robert considers it for a second and Aaron tries not to cry in front of him again. He hesitates around saying anything as Robert sits and stares. “Probably didn’t mean it.”

“Probably been holding in it for a while more like.”

Robert shrugs. “You’d do what you can to help her right? In your way. He’s doing the same for his brother. No big deal.”

Aaron scowls at him.

Robert frowns, mouth open slightly as he finishes his pint and places it back down on the table with a soft thud. “Should I be on your side?”

“Obviously.” Aaron hisses and then he doesn’t know why he’s been so quick to answer. He almost feels embarrassed.

Robert picks at the last few crisps in the packet. “You’re just mad because he told you what you didn’t want to hear.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “What do you know?”

Robert looks up, starts up what he’s saying again. “That you’re just mad that ...”

“Are you really just _trying_ to piss me off?” Aaron asks. He’s not even sure why he got into Robert’s car, he’s not even sure why he thought for a second it would actually make things easier.

“No. I’m trying to help.” Robert shrugs. “Make you think clearer. For some mad reason.” He just has to add it. Aaron doesn’t even mind, it creates space between them.

“Well you’re not.”

He is, he has.

Robert raises a hand up. “Fine.” Aaron thinks he’s going to get up and leave but he pulls his chair further in instead. “We’ll just got back to sitting in silence then.”

Aaron looks towards the door of the pub and thinks about leaving. He doesn’t. He hasn’t finished his pint yet.

Aaron sits thinking about his little sister and Nathan’s little brother and the way everything felt so heavy before and how it feels better now. When he looks up next, Robert looks positively smug.

“What? You really think you know me don’t you? How to help.” Aaron almost squirms as he speaks because the idea of it is almost mind bending.

Robert arches an eyebrow. “Maybe I’m the only one who knows you at all.”

The thought makes Aaron’s head spin. He sits in silence for a second longer and then he breathes in sharply.

“Look. The other night ...” Aaron feels stuck. “Sorry for snapping at you.” He frowns slightly. “Freaking out like that.” He shakes his head. “You didn’t have to stop today. When you saw me. But you did. So.”

Robert looks away and then shrugs. “Not sure why I did. You’re a nightmare.” He even pulls a face as he speaks.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron says, he sounds more serious. He thinks about the fact that he had every intention of running around after Robert if he had to. The thought stops something in his chest and Robert stares back with this serious look on his face.

Robert doesn’t actually say anything back. His hand skates gently across Aaron’s for just a second and then Aaron strokes Robert’s thumb slowly before moving away.

—

It’s not like they actually make up or anything. Aaron comes home hours later and Nathan’s sitting on his laptop in the kitchen with this look on his face. He looks like he’s searching things up, like he’s in a world of his own.

Aaron clears his throat and Nathan looks up in surprise.

“Where’ve you been?” Nathan asks, he has his head down but Aaron notices how tense he’s become.

“Pub.”

Nathan looks at Aaron. “So your mum hates me now?”

“Not that one.” Aaron shrugs. “Just kept walking until I found one.” He comes further into the room and then hangs by the wall. “I know you’d do anything for your brother. I’d expect you. It’s what I love about you.”

Nathan looks up, clearly. “I shouldn’t have mentioned Liv.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “You were making a point.” He shrugs. “I have been in denial about her before haven’t I? You’ve been there through it all. I didn’t want to admit she was — but I know she is.” He thinks of Robert dropping him off here, the hand brushing past his own and the way he didn’t want to leave. He did though, he got out of the car and rang Liv because Robert had told him it might help. “She says she hasn’t drank so far this year so that’s good.”

Nathan smiles a little.

“Did it help, speaking to her?”

Aaron nods slowly and comes towards Nathan. “I’d do anything for her, and you’d do anything for him so if you need to give him that money then ...”

Nathan cuts him off with this look. “I’ve been looking at rehab centres. There’s waiting lists and everything so it could take a while.”

Aaron nods. “OK.” He says, because he knows that something else is coming.

“So we might have to put things on hold for a bit with finding a place.”

Aaron feels this wave of something run through him, he’s not sure if it’s anger or relief or sadness. It seems to mix into one thing, and he steps away from Nathan.

“Yeah. Fine.”

Nathan kisses at Aaron’s head and then he’s back to staring at the screen. “I’m glad she helped you, stopped us fighting.”

Aaron smiles tightly. “Thank God for Liv.” He says slowly.

Nathan smiles. Apparently he’s got work deadlines to be getting on with, so he looks down again and gets to work. Aaron says the same thing, he pulls out his own laptop and sits cross legged on the sofa.

He hesitates before typing in Hotels In Manchester.


	12. A hotel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron’s surprise for Robert leads to them both growing closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whooooo’s ready for some hotel softness! 
> 
> warning for mentions of: self harming; scars; arson

Robert’s hands are flat against Aaron’s face as he kisses with a force that makes Aaron set off the hand dryer. It scares the hell out of both of them and Aaron’s swearing under his breath as he jumps.

Robert’s laughing at him, calling him an idiot for standing so close. “You’re so stupid.”

“You’re the idiot.” Aaron is scowling at him, pushing at Robert’s chest. Robert’s back to tolerating him, being soft around his sharp edges. “Kissing me like I’m giving you oxygen.”

Robert rolls his eyes and then crowds Aaron’s space again. Aaron stares at Robert’s mouth. “Stop talking.” He whispers, and he’s holding Aaron by the waist to push him into one of the cubicles.

They keep at it, kissing each other breathlessly until the door opens again and Aaron pulls himself away and places a hand over Robert’s mouth. Robert frowns at him, tries to move it away and then licks. Aaron pulls his hand away suddenly and then hears Jimmy’s whistling.

Aaron’s heart thump so hard in his chest that he thinks it’s about to fall into the toilet. He holds his breath until the door is opening again and they’re alone.

“You _dick_.” Aaron says, he pushes at Robert’s chest again and leaves the cubicle. “Jimmy could have seen us.”

“But he didn’t.” Robert says, he holds Aaron’s arm. “Relax.” He says. He steps forward a little and Aaron’s still just shaking his head.

“I can’t just relax about things when I’ve got a b— Nathan.” Aaron knows he’s sounding cold. He sees the way Robert is staring at him like he’s blowing things way out of proportion. “We agreed to not even be doing this at work.”

“It’s a bathroom. No secret cameras. Just you and me.” Robert brings himself forward again and Aaron feels his lips graze his own. He closes his eyes gently around it and then pulls away again.

“Robert, seriously.” Aaron steps back and then Robert is rolling his eyes.

“I haven’t seen you for days.” Robert says.

Aaron nods a little. “I know.” He says gently. He’s been forced into the meeting rooms with the Human Resources department and Nathan’s needed him to be there for him. “But maybe I’ve got something up my sleeve.”

Robert frowns.

“If you’re patient.”

Robert bites at his lip. “I think I have been.”

Aaron leans further towards him, holds his waist. “Soon.” He whispers.

—

Aaron’s hardly disturbed the whole morning and so he actually manages to meet his deadlines and not be distracted. The fact that Robert’s in meetings is making things easier. Aaron feels this need to avoid Jimmy, thinks he might recognise the sound of his breathing or something irrational like that.

He can’t shake the fact that Robert thought it was all a joke. He wonders if Robert almost wanted Jimmy to walk in and see them.

The idea sticks in his head until it’s his lunch break. He’s text Robert to meet him in the park opposite and knows that no one else will be around considering it’s spitting outside. He gets to his locker for his coat when he spots Robert talking to Chrissie White. He almost forgot she existed.

Aaron gulps thickly against how much she’s laughing and then how she’s folding her arms over and smiling at Robert like she knows something that Aaron doesn’t. He feels cold suddenly and walks past them without Robert even noticing. He almost wants to take back the text when he eventually joins him.

“Alright?” Robert says, he sits next to him and has a hand on Aaron’s thigh. Aaron stares down at it and then looks up at Robert.

“Yeah. Sound.”

“You wanted to meet ...”

Aaron nods. “Yeah.” He did, he does. “I saw Chrissie came to see you.” He’s not subtle. It just sort of drops out of his mouth.

Robert blinks. “She came to see her dad actually, I was just ... she just bumped into me.”

“Sure she did.” Aaron shrugs. Robert frowns at him. “What?”

“Jealous?” They’ve been here before and Aaron doesn’t want to be called it again.

“No. I’m just asking.” Aaron says, he tries to stop the subject as quickly as he can. “I spoke to my sister by the way.”

Robert leans back on the bench and Aaron stares at the hummus and coriander sandwich he’s bought. Aaron suddenly has no idea why he finds Robert as attractive as he does.

“Did it help?”

Aaron sighs. “Yes. You were right.” He says. “If that’s what you wanted to hear.”

Robert looks genuine suddenly. “Not exactly.” Aaron feels like an idiot. “I take it you and Nathan made up.” Aaron watches Robert’s jaw clench.

He tries to ignore it, scratches his eyebrow and then the rain starts up again. “Not exactly. He’s ... well he’s still adamant on helping his brother so the flat hunting is off for now.”

Robert frowns. “That’s bad?” He’s like a psychologist trying to gauge something or other. Aaron doesn’t know what to say for a second.

“Isn’t the answer obvious?” It’s a challenge and Robert just stares at him for a second before shrugging.

“Yeah sorry.” Robert says, he moves the hand from Aaron’s thigh and Aaron looks around. He can still feel the handprint of Robert’s hand on his thigh and he wants it back.

“You can put it back.”

Robert pulls this face; he almost looks smug and confused at the exact same time. Aaron frowns.

Robert shrugs. “You freaked before.”

Aaron knows he did, and he knows that nothing actually happened, but it could have, and the thought makes his head still spin.

“That was in there.” Aaron scoots a little more towards Robert and he places his hand tentatively on Robert’s thigh. Robert stares at him like he wants to ask a question but is holding back. “What?”

“Have you ever ... with anyone else ... you know like been nearly caught or something?”

Aaron blinks. “How much do you think I’ve put it about?”

The rain lightens again, and Robert waves a hand out, a smile on his face that’s hardly showing.

“I’m just asking.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Never.” He says. “But then again ... they were ...”

“One-night stands.” Robert nods like he knows exactly where it was going. Aaron turns and stares at him, feels his heart pound a little.

“Never that close to me. Never let them be. It didn’t matter, I don’t think so anyway, if Nathan found out. I could have talked him round, blamed the drink or something.” Aaron stares ahead, blinks quickly and his palm grows sweaty on Robert’s thigh. “But this ...”

Robert feels his heart thump and he suddenly doesn’t want to hear it. He looks away and then back again. He thinks of Katie, there’s a flash of blonde hair and unexplainable actions and he steps back.

Aaron looks at the grass, kicks and then thinks of the fact that Nathan would never ever forgive him for this if he found out. The thought almost paralyses him, it’s like he’s just thought of it properly. It doesn’t help that Robert’s sitting right next to him, his hand brushing past his.

There’s this wide silence that seems to stretch between them until the birds are tweeting over their heads and the wind picks up.

“This weather’s shit.” Aaron says, his legs hang loosely, and he looks around again before watching Robert’s hair darken as the rain picks up. He thinks about Robert’s shower and his dick twitches. He pulls a hand up against Robert’s thigh and then breathes him in.

Aaron hates PDA but this doesn’t feel like it. That’s why he’s kissing Robert’s neck and only stopping when he thinks he spots someone from work.

“Your car about?” Aaron tilts his head, presses a hand against Robert’s chest.

Robert nods. “Yeah.” He whispers, he leans in to kiss Aaron again and then he’s pulling away. “I do still have my sandwich though.”

Aaron scowls, holds Robert’s tie. “Fuck the sandwich.” His eyes darken and Robert smiles warmly before getting his car keys out. “I’ll wait a sec before following.”

Robert stands over him. His eyes is still wet from the rain and Aaron doesn’t know why he finds it so attractive. Aaron bites his lip as he stares and then Robert is heading his head and telling him that they only have twenty minutes left of their lunch break.

“Better make the most of it then.” Aaron tells him.

Robert rolls his eyes and walks away. Aaron watches and then watches an old woman and her dog walk past him. She’s got this small smile on her face and she points to Robert as he walks away. Aaron gets his back up, thinks about all the offensive things she could say if she saw them only a few second ago.

Her purple umbrella droops slightly as she peers down at Aaron and then back to where Robert was. “Young love.” She nods. Aaron’s face falls. “You don’t have to look so worried; my neighbours get up to all of that n’all. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Aaron stands suddenly and tells her to keep her nose out before he’s charging away. He feels like his head’s about to fall off, his heart pounds and the feeling only subsides when he thinks about what a blind bat she probably was. He thinks about it as he pushes Robert against the backseat and kisses him breathlessly.

He thinks about it as Robert buckles and moans and leans up to kiss Aaron hard. Hard. Soft. Hard again and Aaron closes his eyes shut against it all.

—

Aaron walks into the flat to see Nathan asleep on the sofa already. He’s still got his laptop on his chest and Aaron takes it off slowly to see that he’s been looking at cheaper flats further out of the area.

Nathan stirs, looks up towards Aaron and mumbles something. Aaron smiles at him, goes towards the cupboard and gets him a blanket.

“Aren’t you lovely?” Nathan whispers, he yawns, and Aaron pulls the blanket over his boyfriend. “Or you just don’t want me in our bed tonight.”

Aaron sighs. “Don’t be daft.” He says. It plays on his mind for a second, he thinks of Nathan hugging him close and his own mind drifting to Robert. It’s paralysing. “Just thought you were already asleep.” He leans up again and then Nathan holds at his hand and asks him how work was.

“Same old.” He says before his phone goes in his pocket. Aaron takes it out to see the email confirmation and then sits on the coffee table to stare at Nathan. “Actually, I’ve got an overnight in Manchester tomorrow.”

Nathan sits up, rubs his eyes. “An overnight? You become a truck driver or something?”

Aaron pulls a face, gulps. “Morning meeting thing.” Nathan nods like he gets what he’s saying. “Yeah. I got it dumped on me this afternoon. So I’ll just take the train up after work.”

Nathan nods his head and lays down again. “Alright.” He yawns.

Aaron’s shoulders relax. “I’m going to grab a shower yeah?” He says. He walks towards the bathroom and stares at his phone with a smile on his face.

The smile doesn’t seem to budge. He’s not even aware that he’s being chirpier than usual, but Nathan points it out over breakfast the next day. He calls it odd and Aaron gives him this look like he doesn’t understand.

“I am a happy person you know.”

Nathan frowns. “When you’ve got something to look forward to.”

Aaron stills as he takes his toothbrush from the bathroom. He thinks of what Nathan means by it and then thinks of what to say. “Get my pick of room service don’t I?”

Nathan laughs and Aaron comes towards him, gives him a kiss on the cheek before grabbing his bag.

“I better go.”

“Have fun.” Nathan jokes, and then he’s waving, and Aaron stands by the door just staring at him for a second before he goes.

—

Aaron spots Robert instantly, he’s in the kitchen making a coffee for himself and stirring louder than he needs to be. Aaron comes up behind him and taps him on his shoulder.

Robert spins, eyes warming as he notices it’s Aaron standing in front of him. “Hey.” He whispers, gentle and slow. He eyes Aaron up almost shamelessly.

Aaron lets him for a second before he snaps himself out of it. “I need your help.”

Robert frowns, stops stirring his coffee. “Yeah sure, with what?”

Aaron folds his arms over, steps forward. “This stupid client wants a morning meeting tomorrow and it’s in Manchester.”

Robert nods slowly. “OK? I’ll ... I can write up a report of how their stocks are looking if you tell me ...”

“No I need you there with me.” Robert still looks confused. “The meeting is in a hotel. The meeting is in a hotel room. You. Me. A hotel. Overnight. Do I have to spell it out for you?”

Robert just gives him this look and Aaron feels his heart swoop. “No I think I’ve got it now.” He says shyly before stepping forward into Aaron’s space. “So we ... when you say it’s an overnight ...”

“I mean you and me. The whole night. No interruptions this time.“

Robert breathes in shakily.

Aaron arches an eyebrow and Robert thinks he looks positively smug. It’s like looking in a mirror, for a second he thinks he’s rubbed off on Aaron. It makes his eyes flicker a little.

Then Aaron’s bringing a hand slowly against Robert’s waist, stroking his thumb slowly and softly against. “You won’t be disappointed.”

“You’ve sorted an excuse more like.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Don’t be difficult.” He says. There’s hardly any heat in his voice, it trails off completely as he waits for Robert to dip his head up at him. “Me and you yeah? Unless you’ve got a better offer.”

Robert bites his lip, tilts his head a little. “I’ll be there.” He whispers. “Just let me go grab my things. I’ll meet you there.”

Aaron leans away, smiles gently and then nods. Robert watches as he leaves the room and then he’s leaning against the counter. He blows out a shaky breath.

—

Robert starts looking for a change of clothes as his small black bag sits on his bed. He tries not to think about anything in too much detail but it’s difficult. He’s thinking about how big the hotel will be and how much effort Aaron has put in to all of it.

Robert’s known Aaron long enough now. He thinks he gets him. He almost always does and then stuff like this happens and there’s this giant curve ball rolling across the table and landing at his feet. Robert’s forced to stare down at it, question almost _everything_ he knew. He thinks of the print room, safe, unimportant, impractical. It was everything he thought they were.

A hotel is a hotel though. He can’t get passed it.

The sound of his phone ringing makes him jump out of his own thoughts. It’s his mum. He picks it up after three rings and listens to her asking him if he’s coming round over the weekend.

“Sunday? Yeah. Like always. Why?” Robert asks her, he potters around looking for his toothbrush holder that he’s certain is at the back of the bathroom cupboard somewhere.

“Oh. Just at a bit of a loose end tonight. I’ve made too much tea, Vic’s out with her friends at the last minute.” Sarah says. Robert stops, feels guilty about her being alone.

“Yeah. Uhh ... I’d come over but I’m busy tonight actually.”

Robert can practically see the face his mother is pulling right now. He keeps rummaging through the cupboards until he finds what he’s looking for and shoves it in his bag.

“Work thing?”

Robert pauses. “Sort of.” He says. He looks at himself in the mirror and he flattens the back of his hair with his gel. He looks nervous. He can’t quite believe it.

“And you can’t get out of it?”

Robert gulps slowly and sits on the bed. “No. I can’t.” He says. His mouth twitches slightly and then he freezes against his own words.

“Well. It’s OK.” Sarah says. “Maybe Andy and Katie haven’t got plans for tea.” Robert rolls his eyes a little and then he looks around before sighing. “I heard that.”

“How is he?”

Sarah breathes in. “Good. Nice of you to ask.”

“‘M not a total monster.”

“No. You’re just both very stubborn.” Sarah tells him. “Anyway. I’ll let you get to your work thingy.”

“Yeah. I’ll speak to you later.” Robert hangs up and stares at the bag next to him. He smiles a little before standing up.

—

Robert opens the door to see Aaron laying on the bed with a bottle of beer in his hand. He’s looking towards the telly and has his work suit still on and he sips his beer and then spots Robert. He lets out this slow smile, it breaks out all over his face from his mouth to his eyes.

Robert looks at the green coloured walls, classy feature wallpaper and crisp white sheets. He takes everything in and then looks back at Aaron. He’s sitting up now, already placed his beer on the bedside table.

“Hey.” Aaron says. Robert walks towards him; Aaron hangs his feet over the bed and then he’s sweeping Robert in for a kiss. It’s breathless, he holds the back of his neck and strokes his thumb gently across his skin.

“Hi.” Robert leans away and their noses touch before he’s dragging his eyes up to see the telly. “Is this ...”

“Rocky.” Aaron says. “Greatest film ever made if you ask me.”

Robert is half on Aaron’s lap. He looks down at the way Aaron’s widened his legs and his dick twitches before he’s frowning at her. “Who asked you?”

“Shut your face.” Aaron says, he drags Robert down again for another kiss. He ends up pulling him out onto the bed and he moans as they keep kissing. Robert’s legs tangle up in Aaron’s and he pushes at his blazer until it’s discarded on the floor and then Robert’s hands are practically everywhere. “Your _hands_.” Aaron lets out, his breath hitches and he suddenly sees Nathan’s hands as his eyes squeeze shut against Robert’s hands so close to his dick. His heart thumps against even thinking of Nathan right now. It’s back again though, Nathan’s stubby fingers just like his and then Robert’s long and slender ones.

“You like them?” Robert always seems to know exactly not what to say to make Aaron feel less guilty. He adds to it. It’s like he wants to know everything Aaron is thinking and feeling and then he’s changing his mind again. It’s this push and pull thing they’ve got absolutely mastered. Robert has a hand clasped around Aaron’s waist and one kissing his neck as he makes Aaron’s hips fly off the bed. “I didn’t get a ...”

“ _Yes_. I — need ‘em.”

Aaron loses himself in amongst it, he writhes around on the bed and Robert’s breathing into his mouth. Aaron bites his lip, squeezes his eyes shut against what Robert is _doing_ to him. It’s his hands and his mouth and then suddenly the room is absolutely spinning.

“What’d you need?”

“You.” Aaron blurts out. His head rises and crashes back down against the mattress as he stills around the feeling of Robert everywhere.

Robert stops, catches his breath as Aaron pants hard and fast and his chest is bright red. Aaron looks up through thick lashes and stares with his mouth wide open at Robert who is still hanging over him.

“You ... I ...” Aaron gulps hard and Robert bites his lip before looking towards the telly again.

“He’s all old in this.” Robert frowns. “Is this Rocky Balboa, like the one where he’s proper old and ...”

Aaron brings him down into another kiss. “Come here.” He says, smiling gently before leaning away. “This is the best one.” He whispers.

“Nah. The third one is the best.” Robert tells him. “Mr T‘s in it. What more can you ask for?”

Aaron’s eyes shine slightly, and Robert has no idea how to ignore it. He doesn’t. Aaron comes closer to Robert, sweaty hands and shaky legs and he flattens him against the bed.

“Thought we had all night?” Robert whispers.

Aaron nods. “We do yeah.” He says. “Doesn’t mean I have _any_ plans of slowing down just yet though.” He presses his mouth hard against Robert’s and moans again.

Robert feels himself almost floating under the weight of Aaron’s hands over him.

—

The bed is huge, it makes Aaron almost disappear and when Robert is rolling around with his lanky limbs it makes it look even bigger. Robert’s on top of him, pressing kisses to Aaron’s neck and making his feet kick off the bed.

It takes another ten minutes to have Robert panting heavily in his ear and Aaron closing his eyes shut before practically screaming.

It feels strange afterwards, there’s this feeling of nothing stretching out in front of them both. They have nowhere to go, nowhere to be right this minute. The sun has set now, and Aaron watches the sky become this heavy navy colour amongst the city noise. It feels strange to come all this way, to be here in a bed with Robert and have nothing else to do all day. He hasn’t got to go home to Nathan like all the other times before. When there was him and a bed and a stranger instead of Robert.

Eventually Robert comes to, he looks up and Aaron stares down at him.

“That was ...”

Aaron blinks gently and runs a hand through Robert’s sweaty hair. “Yeah.” He leans down, feels his nose bump against Robert’s. “It was.”

Robert stretches out and his hands land on Aaron’s chest. “Didn’t expect to be doing this tonight.”

“Well I said to be patient didn’t I?” Aaron says and Robert gives him this look. “You are. I know you are.” He thinks about the fact that Robert seems to put up with him, over and over again. He thinks of Robert alone in his flat, and then he thinks about how Robert’s probably sleeping with other people. It freezes something up in his chest and then he tries to quieten it all down again.

“You’re only a nightmare half the time.” Robert tells him. He looks up at the ceiling and then down at Aaron.

“I know.” Aaron says.

Robert sighs, stretches his hands up towards Aaron’s neck and kisses him lightly on the lips. “Don’t worry. It was worth it.”

Aaron bites his lip, silently agrees.

Robert lets out this little sound and leans his head against Aaron’s chest. He’s heavy against him, strong and solid. Aaron keeps stroking through his hair and then his eyes run towards Robert’s shoulders and then down his back. He looks at the faint lines of scarring and so many questions form in his mind.

It’s like Robert picks up on it because he runs a hand over Aaron’s arm. His head is still resting against Aaron’s chest, but he turns slightly to speak.

“Go on.”

Aaron frowns. “What?”

“I’m surprised you haven’t asked before. How I got them.” Robert says, he suddenly realises what he’s saying and how it’s this piece of him that hardly anyone outside his family know about. He sits up slightly to see Aaron’s wide eyes.

“Did someone hurt you?” Aaron asks. He feels like he’s tripping over his own words and as soon as they come out he wants to take them all back.

Robert shakes his head. “No.” He says, he could stop there but he doesn’t. He closes his eyes and leans back down onto Aaron instead. “My brother set fire to one of the barns on our farm when we were kids. But my mum was in there, with some bloke.” He suddenly smells smoke as he speaks, and he plays with his hands before placing them down on the covers. He doesn’t want to fidget his way through any of this.

Aaron breathes in, confused. “Why did ...”

“Insurance.” Robert says. “He thought he was helping our dad, but he wasn’t. He was killing our mum so I ... I just ran in.”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he feels his heart give way. “You what?”

“I was looking for her, I was trying to get her out, but I was just a stupid fourteen-year-old.”

Aaron looks away, feels his arms wrap tighter around Robert. “Fourteen?”

Robert nods. “It was like the further I got in, the worse it got. The smell, the _heat_.” Robert shrugs a little. “I kept looking until I found her, she just wasn’t moving. I tried getting her up, then Andy was there.” He frowns. “He was trying to help. Then my dad was there too and ... he managed to get Andy out.”

Aaron watches the tightness to Robert’s jaw.

“What about you?”

“The ambulance came. Just in time too.” Robert bites his lip. “Dad had already got to Andy, but I wasn’t leaving my mum.” He says. “I wasn’t.”

Aaron feels his eyes suddenly prick with tears and he holds his arms out on Robert’s shoulders.

“I thought I was going to die. I nearly did. I have no idea how we both ended up out alive. Not when the bloke died. It was ... I was lucky to be alive and so was she.” Robert bites his lip and then looks at his legs. “But I got these.”

Aaron’s chin wobbles a little and he doesn’t want to cry in front of Robert over this but he’s coming close. He clears his throat. “Robert, it just showing you how brave you are.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “Yeah and then after it was causing even more pain.” He says. Aaron looks at him for answers and all Robert can think of is how it started this struggle between him and Andy. It led to Robert running after Katie, blaming his brother for everything bad that happened to him since that fire.

“Like what?”

Robert shrugs. “Me and my brother.” He says. “Andy. I hated him for it, caused so much shit between us.” He suddenly doesn’t want Aaron to know anything else.

Aaron gulps. “I’m sorry.” He says.

“And I wasn’t brave, I was being an idiot who couldn’t wait for the firefighters.” Robert says. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Aaron leans back on the bed. “You don’t when you’re doing something for someone you love.” He blinks. “That stuff comes after.” He smooths a hand over Robert’s back as he sits up and then he looks down at his own chest and breathes in deeply.

“Aaron ...”

“I killed my ex-boyfriend.” Aaron hates himself because Robert’s eyes are so wide suddenly.

“OK.”

“OK? Aaron’s almost stunned. “He wanted me to. He was ... well he got paralysed in an accident and he was ... he just didn’t want to be here anymore. So his mum was going to help him die. I should have said that shouldn’t I? Helped him die. Not just _killed_ him.” Aaron shakes his head and realises that he’s not had to tell anyone any of this for years. “I shouldn’t have said it like that.”

Robert has a hand racing up Aaron’s arm. “Hey. It’s OK.” He says. He sounds more serious than he wants to be, but he can’t help it. There’s this need he has to make Aaron stop feeling the way he is.

Aaron breathes out, continues talking. “His mum couldn’t do it. So I did, in the end. Even though I didn’t want to. I was this _murderer_ suddenly and so I hurt myself to cope.”

Robert blinks at him. “I’m sorry.”

Aaron freezes up slightly. He’s taken back to everyone being sorry for him and it doesn’t make sense in his head. “You didn’t hurt me.”

“What you had to do did.” Robert looks angry. “You shouldn’t have had to be in that position.”

Aaron hasn’t heard it put this way before, no one’s ever been so bold about it. He doesn’t say anything, just looks down at his scars. “I don’t do it anymore.” He whispers. “And I know it was wrong, I know that the whole situation fucked me up.”

Robert nods against him. “You punished yourself because the law wouldn’t? That it?”

Aaron stares at him in sort of disbelief. “Yeah.” He says eventually. He almost shrugs because a lot of it feels like some weird distant memory. “I needed to do something about it if they didn’t.” He stops talking, reflects on the way he’s not told anyone any of this, _like_ this, before now. Nathan was on the sidelines, he knew bits and Aaron filled him in with others. This is different. He brings a hand over himself and feels Robert’s warm body against him as he continues to speak.

Robert shrugs slowly and then gulps hard enough for Aaron to hear. “You shouldn’t have had to do that.” He says. Aaron studies at how serious Robert looks. “Guess we both saved people in different ways then.”

Aaron sort of wants to hate Robert. He doesn’t understand how he can say things so easily. It’s almost magical how everything he says is wrapped up in this neat little bow for Aaron to marvel at. He really wants to hate him for it. He doesn’t.

“You definitely did.” Aaron gulps hard. “Do they bother you?”

“They used to. They’re sort of faded now though. For me anyway.” Robert sighs. Aaron frowns. “‘My mum’s are worse over her neck, on her face a little. They’re this reminder for her about it, constantly.”

Aaron gulps hard. “I know the feeling.” He says.

“Looks like we’re both a little messed up then.”

“Sounds tragic.”

Aaron looks away like he’d rather not even think about it all. He thinks the conversation but then Robert’s hand is on his shoulder as he starts speaking again.

“Two people can be messed up in a relationship you know.” Robert looks up towards him and Aaron almost certainly thinks it’s a dig. He thinks he’s talking about how amazing Nathan is, how Aaron’s the opposite, how they don’t fit. He wants to tell Robert that he’s ruining the mood but then he saves himself. “No one’s perfect.”

 _This is_.

Aaron shocks himself as the thought seems to filter through and just sticks. He has his hand on Robert’s face, he just wants to stare at him for a second or two, so he does.

“You know, as much as I liked all that deep chat, there’s other things I’d like to be doing more.” Aaron crowds Robert and then kisses him gently before stroking Robert’s cheeks and then pulling Robert tighter towards him.

“Hmm, ordering room service?” Robert teases as Aaron dips his head towards Robert’s neck and makes him practically hiss. “OK maybe in a bit?”

“Definitely in a bit.” Aaron says before pulling himself over Robert’s body.


	13. A day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron struggles with his guilt after forgetting the importance of the day. Robert finds himself growing closer to Aaron than he anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter here but hope you enjoy regardless!

Robert blinks his eyes open to look up towards the ceiling. It’s got white swirls circling over and over again and Robert feels like he’s going to become dizzy if he keeps staring. He pulls his gaze away, breathes out a yawn he didn’t know was coming and then stares down at the hand held tight around his middle.

It’s not his, it’s Aaron’s. Robert looks at his hands, his stubby fingers and the small graze he has just under his thumb. He stares until Aaron makes this small sound in his sleep. It’s like he’s whistling or something and Robert smiles gently. The smile stays as he turns his head and sees Aaron still fast asleep with his mouth wide open like he’s a Venus flytrap.

Robert has to gulp thickly; he has to keep staring too at the way Aaron is so unguarded. He looks almost like a different person, this, all of _this_ reminds him of how different things could be.

He turns his head back, decides to fall back to sleep with Aaron’s arm still tight and strong around him.

—

Robert wakes up another hour later. His body clock gets him up in time for work and he stares down at his watch almost on instinct. Aaron’s hasn’t got this arm around his waist anymore; he’s turned his head towards Robert and his body is snaked around him.

It takes a few minutes for Robert to de-tangle Aaron and get his phone out. There’s a message from Vic and one from Jimmy asking him if he’s bothering to come in today and he types something back quickly to him. He says he’s working from home today, pretends like it’s all legitimate. He’s not even sure what Aaron’s excuse is, he wonders if he’s said the same and if it’ll cause suspicion.

Robert’s got a coffee in his hand when he turns and hears Aaron begin to stir. He hears him breathing through his nose, a yawn escape him as he rolls over slightly and then frowns at Robert not lying beside him.

Aaron’s eyes travel further up the bed to Robert and he lets out this warm smile that makes Robert’s insides shaky. He’s still all sleepy, eyes smaller than usual. He doesn’t say anything, just gets his phone out and starts scrolling through it. Robert imagines the texts Nathan has sent. He imagines Aaron typing back something like: _Boring meeting soon, love you_

There’s this pang of jealousy that hits him over the head and then disappears just as quickly as Aaron puts his phone down again and looks at him.

“Everything OK?”

Aaron nods his head. “Yeah. ‘Course.” He says before sitting up slightly. “How’d you sleep?”

Robert shrugs. “Decently.” He says. “Did I kick you?”

Aaron pulls this face. “Is that a serious question?”

Robert’s ears turn pink and he frowns. “Sorry.” He says. “You did snore though.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Nathan always has to nudge me.”

Robert sucks in a breath. He tries to ignore it completely. “You _also_ don’t know how to keep your hands to yourself.” Aaron’s face twitches slightly and he shakes his head. “What?”

“I keep myself to myself when I sleep.”

Robert thinks he’s joking, so he laughs, and then he’s realising that he isn’t. Robert watches Aaron’s face; he takes all of him in and then looks away.

“Where’d you get the coffee from then?” Aaron asks, a few moments later with his voice still gravely as he speaks. He arches an eyebrow when Robert walks across the room with his pants riding low and he turns the coffee machine on the quietest setting again. A few seconds later he comes back and gives Aaron the mug. “Cheers.” He says. “For this and ... for yesterday.”

Robert shrugs. “My pleasure.”

“I meant about listening to me.” Aaron says. He’s cautious as he speaks, and Robert is forced to wait for him to speak again. “Not freaking out about any of what I said.”

“Did you expect me to?” Robert plays with his hands like a kid. He doesn’t want Aaron to think he’s that sort of bloke, he’s disappointed that he would. It’s an affair, all of this, but he thinks Aaron really knows him by now. He looks up to see Aaron staring at him like he’s thinking hard about the question.

“I suppose not.”

Robert doesn’t know if there’s a compliment somewhere behind all of it. He doesn’t try to find it. Instead he sips at his coffee and eventually sighs.

“Thanks n’all.” Robert says. “I haven’t really talked about it for ... years.” He closes his eyes around it all.

“Same here.” Aaron bites his lip. “Someone new I mean.”

Robert smiles warmly. “Yeah. Someone new.” Aaron looks away from him like just staring is suddenly too intimate. Robert can’t help himself though. He lets out a shrug and keeps his gaze. “But it felt easy, telling you.”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he nods a little like he agrees. They stare at each for another second and then Aaron’s leaning back on the bed again.

“Bigger bed next time.”

Robert’s heart doesn’t something funny. “We’re doing this again?”

Aaron looks up. “Well I enjoyed myself, I know you did. But we’ve established you _kick_ so ... bigger bed.” Robert doesn’t say anything, and Aaron sits up slightly to peak a look at his face. “Unless ...”

“No.” Robert blurts out. “I mean _no_ there isn’t any unless about it. If you can get away then ...”

Aaron gulps thickly. “I can get away.” He says. He sounds determined. Robert looks at the raised skin near Aaron’s shoulder and then up at his own shoulder blades in the mirrored ceiling. He has a small smile on his face.

“What excuse was it this time?”

Aaron sips at his coffee. “Morning meeting. Work thinks the same.” He says. Robert goes to speak, and he sees Aaron’s face fall like he doesn’t even want to be talking about it.

Robert looks down at the white sheets and then hears Aaron placing his coffee on the bedside table. He looks up and Aaron’s at practically crawling towards him.

“Did I mention we have a late check out?”

Robert smiles, and Aaron’s eyes are practically twinkling as he holds him close and they fall back onto the bed.

—

Robert drops Aaron home and looks up towards the flat he lives in to see Nathan’s shadow by the window. Aaron thanks him before taking off his seatbelt and telling him he had a good time. Robert thinks it means a lot for Aaron to say. The thoughts travel through him until he’s holding Aaron by the shirt and kissing him passionately.

Robert thinks about how much he didn’t want to leave the hotel room and the foolish bubble they’d created.

Aaron pulls away after a few seconds and stumbles out of the car like his legs are jelly. Robert watches, wonders what would happen if Nathan peaked down into the car park and saw Robert with Aaron leaving his car. He thinks of the absolute chaos he’d cause for no good reason. He thinks of Katie _again_ and wants to save himself from the whole embarrassment of Aaron choosing Nathan like he _obviously_ should.

Robert shakes his head, blames a lack of sleep and the coffee this morning that’s made his head all funny. He waits until Aaron enters the block of flats and then he starts the car up again.

Aaron’s left staring into thin air as he travels in the lift up to his place and then turns the key of the flat. For a second he feels this absolutely ache in him, he feels like there’s something so wrong with how he keeps going back to Robert.

It’s getting worse. It’s getting so much worse.

Aaron opens the door quietly; half expects Nathan to still be at work but instead he’s in the kitchen. He can hear him pottering about and he almost wants to creep past him, but Nathan catches him.

“Hey you.” Nathan comes straight towards him. He has this grin on his face and his hands are closing in around Aaron’s waist. He kisses Aaron and Aaron closes his eyes for the briefest of seconds before stepping back a little. “Missed you last night.”

Aaron lets out this warm smile and his eyes flicker. “Same.” He says.

Nathan scoffs. “Yeah right. TV to yourself, room service.” He looks like he could go on, but he doesn’t. He crosses his arms over slightly and then runs a hand through his hair.

“Not you though.” Aaron says. There’s this right nervous smile to him that won’t budge.

Nathan leans forward, stretches a hand across Aaron’s stomach and dips it under his top. “Well I’m here now ...” He leans in again and then Sonny’s appearing out of nowhere.

Aaron jumps back.

“Yeah. So’s Sonny.” Nathan says, like he almost forgot. Aaron turns to see Sonny, takes in his moody look and yellow t-shirt that stands as absolute irony. Sonny makes Aaron look like a ray of sunshine. He’s a mess of a bloke but colour seems to be his thing.

Sonny takes a biscuit from the counter and Aaron nods at him. He gets a small nod back and nothing else.

Nathan has a hand close to Aaron’s waist again and Aaron pulls away from it. Aaron doesn’t want to touch him. It’s this thought that’s constant in his head. He doesn’t want to touch him after what he’s been up to. It feels _wrong_ on so many levels. He thinks about how only hours ago he was with Robert, letting him touch him _everywhere_ and now Nathan’s hands are where his were. It feels like some twists betrayal and it makes absolutely no sense.

“How was the meeting?”

“Boring.” Aaron says as quickly as he can. He nods towards Sonny who’s just staring down at the floor. “Alright mate?”

Sonny doesn’t like him; he makes it clear by the look he gives him. “We were in the middle of something.”

Nathan tells him not be a dick but Aaron’s almost grateful for it. He waves a hand out and then drops his bag before taking his car keys in his hand.

“I’ll go see my mum.” He says, because he feels this need to be alone so badly, he feels this need to hit something and cry and he’s only got himself to blame. “Leave you to it.” Aaron ducks a kiss and squeezes Nathan’s arm before he’s leaving again.

He thinks about going to Robert’s. The thought crosses his mind so quickly and it’s like he’s suddenly realising how much that stupid hotel room meant. It hadn’t just been some seedy affair anymore. It wasn’t rounds and rounds of sex and then sleeping only to do it all again.

It had been more, and it shouldn’t have.

—

Aaron drives around for hours, decides that instead of sitting alone in his car and overlooking a bunch of fields, he should actually ring his mum.

She picks up after the second ring, he almost wants to laugh at her eagerness but then something stops him. There’s this unease running all the way through him about absolutely everything.

“I’m fine yeah.” Aaron tells her what she wants to hear until he sits back on the headrest and closes his eyes. “Do you think I’m a bad person?”

Chas actually laughs. “What have you done?”

Aaron stills and stays silent. He lets his mum’s imagination run a little wilder than it needs to because she’s asking him if the police are involved and he has to tell her to calm down.

“What else am I supposed to think?”

“It’s just …” Aaron breathes in steadily. “Things I’ve done mum. I’m not proud of them but I wouldn’t take them back either.” He frowns. “At least I don’t think I would.” He thinks of Robert not showing up yesterday, having to cancel the hotel room, it would have been a shame.

The thought stops him. He’s suddenly realising what he’s saying, he’s acknowledging the fact that it would have actually been a shame if he didn’t get to cheat on his boyfriend again.

Aaron blinks back tears and then stares out the window as the clouds turn from white to pink.

“No one’s perfect are they?” Chas says. “Is this about Nathan?”

“Sort of.” Aaron lets her know. “He’s great. Well, Sonny’s ‘round so I’m not but he’s great. It’s not Nathan.”

 _It’s me_.

“You just can’t let yourself be happy sometimes.” Chas says. He’s heard this before, and it’s made sense before but this, Robert saved as R in his phone and the way he can’t keep away from him, it doesn’t feel like self-sabotage in the slightest.

It’s decision making, over and over and over again. It’s him chasing someone who isn’t his to chase.

“What if I don’t know what that is?” Aaron asks. He breathes in this deep breath and thinks about the fact that he could stop talking right now and they’d be no harm done. He could lie. Aaron looks up at the sky and then shrugs. ”Being happy.”

Aaron blames Robert for this psychoanalysis. He blames him for the fact that Aaron couldn’t describe how it felt for someone to look at him, all of him and not care about how damaged he was. Nathan knew, saw, he was there in the background as Aaron’s mind went black over and over again. Robert wasn’t. He’s here now. He’s here after.

“You _do_.” Chas sometimes acts like she knows her son better than he knows himself. Sometimes Aaron finds it easier to just let her. “Darling. You’ve got it good. Trust me. Everything else isn’t important.”

“What if it is?”

Chas sighs. “And it’s getting in the way of you and Nathan being happy then — then it isn’t that important at all love.” He can hear her mind working overtime. “You happy and safe with him is all there is to it.”

Aaron nods his head like she can hear him. “I am.”

“Good.” Chas says slowly. “You were scaring me there.”

Aaron doesn’t say anything for a second. “Just overthinking things, like always.” He says.

“No need to.” Chas tells him.

“Yeah. No need.” Aaron whispers, almost to himself. He indulges her for another ten minutes until he’s telling her he has to go.

—

Sonny’s gone by the time Aaron comes back through the door and kicks his shoes off. He stands with his head against the wall and his eyes closed until he comes into the kitchen and sees Nathan stirring something on the stove.

“Smells nice.”

Nathan doesn’t say anything, he just nods his head and Aaron hangs back for a second before he’s asking him what’s wrong.

“Is it Sonny? What were you talking about?”

Nathan turns off the stoves and his back is still to Aaron as he speaks, says, “He was telling me he didn’t think rehab would do anything.”

Aaron sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“Are you?”

Aaron frowns at Nathan. “What?”

“I know Aaron.” Nathan says it like he’s talking about something bad. He doesn’t turn around or anything, he’s almost eerily calm. “I know.”

“Know what?” Aaron asks, his keys are still in his hand and he fiddles with them and waits for Nathan to speak.

“You weren’t at your mum’s.” Nathan turns slowly. “You lied. Did you even have a meeting?”

Aaron’s eyes widen. He shakes his head; his mouth goes dry and he doesn’t know what to say until he’s nodding. “Of course I did. Where’s this coming from?”

Nathan puts down the towel that was draped over his shoulder and breathes in. “I know you Aaron. I know when you’re lying.” Aaron feels his ears prick, like there’s this ringing that won’t stop. He didn’t expect this to happen when he came home, he didn’t expect to have to face this.

Suddenly there isn’t relief inside him like he thought they’d be. Instead he’s almost fighting to keep the lie a lie.

“I know.” Nathan says. “I just don’t know why you wouldn’t tell me.”

Aaron frowns, his eyes are wet, and his shoulders are loose suddenly. “Tell you?”

Nathan nods. “What’s different this time? This is different isn’t it? All the other times you’ve ... I’ve known but this time you didn’t even mention it.”

Aaron gulps hard, this shock twists right through him and he he’s almost frozen against every single word Nathan is standing here saying. “Nathan. Please.” He doesn’t even know what he’s saying but words are coming out. He steps back, can’t actually meet his eyes.

Nathan still looks so serious. “I just want to know why.”

Aaron suddenly knows why. He does know but he doesn’t say anything, he waits for a second. Something tells him to wait.

“I should have known Jackson’s birthday was coming up. I didn’t realise it was actually today.”

It feels like something heightens and deflates inside Aaron at the exact same time and it’s so frightening. His mouth is hanging open and his eyes sting with tears as he takes in the information.

Aaron blinks, once, twice and then he’s shaking his head over and over again. “I ...” He gulps hard. “I don’t ...”

Nathan softens, Aaron watches it happen. “Did you go to his grave?”

 _No, I didn’t even remember._ It’s what is stuck at the back of his throat.

Aaron nods his head a little and then Nathan’s hand is gentle against his waist. “I just ...” He breathes in sharply and Nathan dips his head down so it’s touching Aaron’s.

“Hey. It’s OK.” Nathan says.

Only it isn’t.

Aaron freezes, feels like he’s being _punched_ and then Nathan’s trying to put his arms around him, but Aaron pulls away. “Sorry. I just ... I need a minute.” He says.

He takes the minute in the bathroom, water splashed on his face every few seconds to try and shake his shock out of him. The door goes a few minutes later and Nathan’s arms are crossed over as he gives him this look.

“How’d you know?” Aaron says, watches him from within the mirror.

“Wondered why’d you been acting off and then it just came to me. Then I realised it was the anniversary of our first date as well. So. Must have been difficult.” Aaron thinks back to how Jackson was always this heavy presence over them when they first got together. Aaron was with Jackson and then he was alone and then Nathan was there and waiting for him to be ready knowing that Jackson was still _there_.

Nathan should hate Jackson. He’s too kind to hold any resent like that.

Nathan folds his arms over and does this little twitch like he’s nervous. Aaron deflates against it. “You didn’t have to go alone.”

“You didn’t even know him.” Aaron says. It snaps, vends and breaks out and he’s unsure how to stop. He thinks of Robert’s response, how it shook him the way it did. “You just know he put me through hell in the end. You should hate him, not want to put flowers on his grave.” He speaks fast and loud and then he tries to take it all back. “I’m sorry.”

Nathan gives him this look. “I’m trying here Aaron.“ He waves out a hand, sighs. 

Aaron gives him this faint frown. “I know.”

Nathan tilts his head, sighs. “Are you _ever_ going to let me in?”

Aaron doesn’t need this argument right now. “What?”

“I know you more than anyone, I know that and yet it’s still like I’m looking through this _glass_ sometimes and you’re on the other side of it.” Nathan sighs again. “And I can’t do anything for you if you don’t let me in.”

“You don’t have to _do_ anything. You’re not my counsellor.”

“No I’m your boyfriend Aaron. So treat me like one.” Nathan’s voice is raised and it’s the best any of this is going to get. Aaron takes it. He looks at Nathan’s grey top, the weird flower in the middle and then up towards his eyes.

Aaron breathes in. “I’m sorry.” He says. He is. He’s never felt _sorry_ like this. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He wipes at his eyes.

Nathan gulps hard. “I was just ... trying to help.” He shrugs.

Aaron comes further towards Nathan and hooks his arms in his boyfriend’s. He raises an eyebrow, blinks quickly as he tries to think of something to say. “You do.”

“Then why didn’t you just tell me the truth?”

Aaron shudders. “Because I’m an idiot.” He says. He shakes his head and sighs. “I ... I’m sorry.”

Nathan looks away. “I don’t like you having to lie to me.”

Aaron chews his lip, feels this guilt everywhere.

“I wasn’t planning on making some big song and dance about our first date.”

Aaron nods. “Yeah I know.”

“Well then why not just ...”

“I just needed space.” He lies. He lies _again_. “But I’m fine now.”

Nathan looks like he doesn’t believe it. Aaron doesn’t blame him. He reaches up on his tiptoes, kisses Nathan’s cheek delicately and then leans away.

“Just give me a second to clear up and then we’ll ... have tea or something. I’ll cook.”

Nathan smiles. “I’ll have something now then.” He says before stepping into Aaron’s space. “I love you.” He says. “You know that right?”

Aaron knows and knows and knows and the feeling drowns him out and leaves tears falling down his face. He wants to say his sorry until his voice dries up and he can only mime.

Instead, he just nods a little and Nathan leaves him alone.

Aaron turns towards the mirror again and then grips the sink with his hands until his knuckles turn white and he looks at himself in the mirror.

He closes his eyes shut and finds himself blaming Robert for the state he’s in.


	14. A run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron struggles to keep Robert at arms length. Robert fights his growing feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is one of my favourite chapters yet so i hope you enjoy!

  
Robert looks down at his fish pie and then up at his mother again with this cautious look because he sort of knows that she’s going to mention Andy before she’s even opened her mouth. It’s a Sunday afternoon, he’s enjoying himself like he always does when he’s around Sarah and Vic, only there’s this dreaded conversation so close to over spilling.

“This is lovely isn’t it?” Sarah says. She’s got a tight smile on her face and she looks at Vic before her eyes gaze to Robert. He nods at her for a second before putting his fork down.

“Is this the part where Andy’s mentioned?” Robert tilts his head. “Only I’d prefer to get it all out the way now.

“There’s nothing to _get out the way_.” Sarah tells him. She’s playing around with her food like a kid and he doesn’t know what to say for a second as she breathes in. “He’s just been fighting a bit, with Katie.”

Robert picks up his fork again, tightens his grip around it. “Fascinating.”

“I think she wants to move away.” Sarah says. “Fresh start.”

Robert scoffs, unfazed by the news. “How many of them have they had again?”

Vic gives him this look and Robert sighs.

He can tell how troubled the whole thing makes his mum. He feels sorry instantly. Sarah looks up, runs a hand over her face and then sighs.

“I don’t know what you want me to say about it.” Robert tells them both. “We haven’t properly been OK since we were kids.”

“Yeah. And we all know why.” Vic says. She says that and then is kind enough not to follow up with anything. “But isn’t it time for you to be civil?”

“We are.” Robert says. “At a distance.” He wonders suddenly what it would be like for them now if Katie wasn’t around to serve as this constant reminder of what Robert did. Then he wonders what it would be like if he didn’t have the scars to prove exactly what Andy did first.

Vic sighs like she’s giving up. “He can’t just move away.”

Robert shrugs. “Well then convince him otherwise.” He says. “He’s hardly going to listen to a word I say, besides ... maybe more distance would do us some good.”

Sarah is horrified and Vic looks like he’s just slapped her across the face. He waits for a second before they’re tossing around the word _family_ and he has to stop from rolling his eyes.

Robert sits it out, watches as they talk to each other and then he’s leaning back in again when Vic mentions Sarah’s plans the night before.

“Victoria. It was a _drink_. That’s all.”

Vic looks over at Robert. “Mum. She had a date last night, with the bloke who delivers the ...”

Robert arches an eyebrow and thinks about the fact that his mum hasn’t properly been with anyone since their dad died. He’s hardly thought about it until right now.

“Wow.” Robert says. Sarah looks like she’s monitoring how fine he is with it, so he smiles for her.

“Is that it?” Vic questions. “That’s _all_ you’ve got to say?”

Robert rolls his eyes. “If mum’s happy then yeah, that’s all.” He says. Sarah smiles warmly at him before telling them both that it really was just a drink.

“Oh don’t worry mum, Robert’s just sad ‘cause he’s all _lonely_.”

Robert scowls up at her. “Says _you_.”

Vic straightens her back. “Yes but unlike you dear brother I’ll admit I’m not getting all the lads eyes at the moment.”

“Who says I’m not?” Robert says. It practically comes out as a shout and his eyes widen against it. He’s bright red by the time Vic is asking more questions and he starts eating again.

“So you _are_?”

Robert rolls his eyes and then stares at his mum. He realises that he’d actually like to tell her about Aaron, about the fact that he’s been at his workplace for just shy of three months so far and he’s met someone. Even saying that makes him feel weird, he’s _met_ someone who met someone else three years ago. Sarah looks at him like she’s also expecting an answer. He gives her one, the wrong one.

“No.” Robert says. His shoulders sag and he watches Vic look smug again.

He thinks of Aaron for the rest of the night.

—

Robert hasn’t seen Aaron for three days. Well he has, it’s been at work, it’s been small looks across the room and him smiling only to be met with a look that pretty much tells him to stop.

He thinks about how exhausting Aaron is for a whole night.

He lays in bed and his mind replays things over and over again. It begins with Aaron chasing after him, the way Robert let it happen because he knew where it would lead. He thinks of poor brainless Nathan who probably thinks he has the right to know Aaron more than anyone else because he was there for him after Jackson.

Robert thinks until he’s stunned by how much he knows. He’s stunned and surprised and the thoughts seem to unravel in his mind one after another until he’s left with this emptiness. He’s being dramatic about it all, he knows he is, but it doesn’t stop the way he feels.

Aaron’s sitting across from him now and his voice is low and controlled as he’s on the phone. He says something about signing on, about a new contract and Robert listens in.

Then he watches Aaron smile, crinkles around his eyes are visible for him to hone in on. It makes something grow tight in his stomach as Aaron puts the phone down and then walks towards the kitchen.

Robert knows he shouldn’t follow him, but he does. He doesn’t mean to creep up on him or anything, but Aaron’s eyes are set in this panic as Robert clears his throat and waves his hand.

“Hi.” Robert sticks his hand in his pocket and Aaron just nods at him. “Have I done something?”

Aaron stops dead.

“To upset you or ...” Robert already feels like an idiot. “I’d rather just know.”

“You haven’t done anything.” Aaron shrugs unconvincingly. “I just ...”

“Didn’t fancy having sex with someone who isn’t your boyfriend.” Robert wants the statement to be false but Aaron sort of says absolutely nothing and he’s left staring at him like an idiot.

“Do you not realise what this is?” Aaron says. “What we’re doing?”

“Arguing?”

Aaron rolls his eyes and then turns his back on Robert completely like he’s closing himself off. “I’ll text you when I ... I text you OK? You don’t need to be all weird.”

“ _Me_ being weird?”

“Clingy then.” Aaron turns around as he says it and Robert watches his eyes flicker and he sighs. “I didn’t ...” He shakes his head.

“No I heard you.” Robert says, he crosses his arms over and then drops them again like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. “Loud and clear.” He goes to leave and then Aaron starts speaking.

“Leyla thinks it’s weird how we’re friends suddenly so maybe ...”

“Back off even more at work? That wouldn’t be suspicious at all would it?”

Aaron chews his lip and then shrugs. “Not if you’re — seeing someone. I don’t know.”

Robert doesn’t know if Aaron’s actually being serious. He sort of just stares at him.

“Chrissie maybe.” Aaron’s talking time the wall. He isn’t even looking at Robert as he speaks.

“Chrissie?”

Aaron shrugs _again_. “I mean it Robert, if Leyla starts asking _questions_ then I’ll have to ...”

“To what?”

_Choose?_

“End this.” Aaron whispers and then he’s stepping out of Robert’s space and walking out the door.

—

Aaron’s sat on the sofa imagining Robert with Chrissie. It’s half six and Nathan isn’t home yet. He hasn’t even put the telly on, and the lights are only dimmed. It’s like he can’t stop thinking and being angry at himself for whatever he thought any of this would achieve. It ticks away at him until Nathan is coming through the door.

He’s in good spirits, practically bouncing off the walls about a design he’s finally cracked, and Aaron welcomes it. He cuts Nathan off as he starts speaking about a new access point for a website. He kisses the life out of him and then he’s leaning down and taking his trousers off. Aaron practically shoves Nathan into their bedroom.

“Should celebrate then shouldn’t we?” Aaron whispers against Nathan’s neck. They do. Nathan’s moaning hard and fast into Aaron’s neck ten minutes later and it makes everything quiet for a second.

Aaron looks over at Nathan and feels this guilt spread all over him. It continues that way when Nathan’s stroking over Aaron’s hair, and then kissing gently on the lips before turning him over and making Aaron grunt into the mattress before shuddering.

They stay the way they are for ten more minutes. Nathan’s mumbling about how well he did and how much he wants Aaron to get the technicalities. Aaron smiles up at him, strokes his face into Nathan’s neck and feels happy. He feels this happiness that he’s grown accustom to.

“You’re the smartest guy I know.” Aaron says. He holds at Nathan’s frame and then he’s thinking of Robert so suddenly that it makes it difficult to breathe. He imagines Robert’s hands on Chrissie, he imagines her making him moan and touching and kissing him the way he does.

The thoughts spin out in his mind until Nathan is asking him what he wants for dinner. Aaron sits up suddenly, shakes his head and says something about getting them a takeaway.

“What? We could order.” Nathan says.

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “I need to ... go for a run. I was going to anyway so I could pick something up on the way back.”

Nathan scoffs. “Hasn’t that already given you all the work out you need?” He kisses at Aaron’s back and Aaron folds slightly before turning. “Hmm?” He watches Nathan’s ease turn to worry. “Running.” He says. He makes a point of just saying it.

Sometimes Aaron really hates himself for taking something he loves doing and turning it on himself. He hates himself because he’s always going to get a _look_ from someone when he mentions it.

“Nothing too much.” Aaron says. “Just around the park and back.”

“Ain’t it closed now?”

Aaron nods. “Yeah so I’ll go around it idiot.” He smiles down and then kisses Nathan lightly. He leans up when he feels compelled to. “Keep the bed warm yeah?”

Nathan bites his lip and drags Aaron in for another kiss before leaning back against the bed. “Nice to see I’ve still got it, after all this time.”

Aaron sees Nathan just making a point of how naked he is, and he breathes in a smile before this uneasy feeling runs through him.

He turns away.

—

Robert sits opposite Chrissie White and can’t help but stare at how pristine she looks. It’s like going to dinner with a statue that could definitely come to life and stab you at some point. It’s a thrill, he guesses.

They’re at some restaurant close to where he works, and the lighting is dimmed down to hardly anything as they talk. He looks at the single candle blowing between them and the way Chrissie’s diamond necklace shines in the soft light.

Chrissie says his nails are in better condition than any other man she’s ever met and he’s not sure if it’s a compliment that’s warranted. His hands are large, and she looks at them like she’s thinking about his dick, so he gets caught up in that for a little while.

Robert’s taken her out for drinks, he made a point of telling Leyla about it and watched as Aaron was filled in on her gossip. The idea of being the talk of the office makes him cringe, makes him feel like he’s in year ten but he allows it.

He doesn’t like how much he’s allowed for Aaron.

Chrissie also talks about her son a lot. She says he’s an impressive young man and he’s not sure how he’s supposed to respond so he doesn’t. Instead he talks around her, flirts, plays with ambitious talk about goals and aspirations. He does until he’s not even sure why he’s doing any of this. It feels strange to say it’s for Aaron but weird to say any of this is doing a whole heap for him either.

She kisses him by the end of the night. It feels weird having soft lips and slowness to it. She kisses him and he sees Aaron in his mind. Her car pulls up and Robert stares at her necklace as she asks if he’ll join her for a nightcap.

Robert thinks for a second, the idea seems inviting but it’s not something he wants. He tells himself that there’s seriously something wrong with him. For a second he thinks of how easier it would be to go with her, sleep with her, _be_ with her. This could help him work his way straight up the ladder.

Robert breathes in, tries to say no when Aaron’s appearing out of nowhere. It’s half nine at night and he’s in full on jogging gear running past them. He makes this point of shoving Chrissie and Robert smirks a little as he gets his sweaty self all over her and tries to apologise.

He watches, amused and more than a little turned on by the sight of Aaron in shorts. He stares until Chrissie is saying she’ll call him and she’s off in her car. He’s left standing in the street with Aaron and the moon shining down on them both.

Robert suddenly feels awkward. “You jog?”

Aaron tightens at the shoulders. “Only to clear my head.” He says. “It helps.”

Robert blinks. “So does following me on dates.”

“It was a date then?” Aaron has this wild ability to lack any self-awareness sometimes. Robert shakes his head in amazement. “What?”

“You told me to. _Don’t you know what this is Robert_?” Robert mocks, but there’s no anger in his voice. For some reason or other, it’s almost impossible to be mad at Aaron. “An affair. That’s what you couldn’t say before. You can’t even _say_ the word.”

Aaron gulps hard and looks down. “I saw you kissing her.” He says, completely avoiding everything Robert has just told him two seconds ago. It’s like it’s the only thing that’s managed to stay stuck on Aaron’s mind.

“And what?”

Aaron chews his lip. “I don’t want you to.” He whispers. “Kiss her. I don’t want you to be like that with anyone.”

Robert closes his eyes and then walks over towards the small bench looking out towards a row of houses. He sits slowly and then looks up at Aaron who’s standing above him.

Aaron’s face is red, his eyes are almost bloodshot, and Robert just _stares_ at him. 

“You’ve got a boyfriend.”

“I know.” Aaron says quickly. “I know I do.”

Robert huffs. “Do you even feel guilty?”

Aaron breathes in. “Of course I do.” He says, he sounds devastated. All the emotion makes Robert squirm. “You have no idea. You’ve got no idea Robert. I’ve never hurt him like this before.”

“I’m not the first one.”

“You are.”

“You’ve cheated on him before.”

“Not like this.” Aaron says. “I’ve not — hurt him the way I keep doing.”

Robert blinks gently. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” He says.

Aaron shrugs. “Nothing. I ...” He breathes in. “It’s just a lot.”

“Yet you’re here.” Robert says, he looks up and shakes his head. “You go on about never hurting him like this before and yet you’re still here.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“I think you don’t know what you want.” Robert’s head tilts up and he looks determined as Aaron stares at him with his mouth open.

“I can’t stay away from you.” Aaron blurts out. Robert’s eyes flicker and he can’t stop staring at Aaron. He doesn’t even know what to say.

Aaron breathes in, runs a hand over his face.

“You’re like a tap.” Robert shakes his head, starts laughing as he leans back on the bench and stares at the sky.

“I’m like a what?”

“Just on and off constantly.” Robert shrugs and then Aaron’s sitting next to him and Robert can’t seem to look his way. “That hotel ... it was great and then nothing from you for three days. You can’t just do that.”

“I know.”

“And then you tell me to go out with Chrissie? To save _your_ back and I just do it like some _idiot_.” Robert breathes in. He’s been holding in it since Aaron turned and left the way he did this morning. “I’m not like this. I’m not.” He says.

Aaron wonders what Robert is like. He thinks of him being scorned in the past, enacting the most meticulous plan of revenge to watch someone’s world crumble to the ground. He imagines Robert being mean, sharp and callous.

Aaron’s hand is suddenly on his thigh and Robert stares down at it for a second. It seems to relax him until he’s pulling away.

Aaron fidgets before sighing. “The day we came back from the hotel … it was Jackson’s birthday and mine and Nathan’s anniversary and I forgot.”

Robert stares at him; he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say to that. He feels sorry for Aaron. It stays stuck in his mind and he thinks it’s dangerous to be this concerned.

“I felt like _shit_.” Aaron’s knee starts bouncing up and down and then he shakes his head. “Because I forgot our first date. It wasn’t just that actually it was ... Jackson’s birthday too. I owe him a thought on his birthday.”

Robert blinks against it. “You’re not evil for forgetting.”

“I felt it.”

“You shouldn’t. You just forgot. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

“I forget things when I’m with you.” Aaron says. “Everything is different.” Robert doesn’t expect to hear it, it makes something burst inside him. He sort of wants Aaron to take his words back. Mainly because it’s going to start to really fuck things up soon. It’s going to stay in Robert’s head, fester.

Robert stares down, tries to get his head around what Aaron’s saying and what he’s not saying.

“Ain’t you cold?” Robert says. He brings his coat up over him a little more and Aaron frowns. “You’re wearing shorts.”

Aaron peers down at himself and then up at Robert. “See you’re noticing.”

Robert rolls his eyes.

Aaron blinks gently and then turns his head. Robert looks away and then back towards Aaron again. There’s this slowness to them both, like they have nowhere they have to be.

“That’s what’s been the problem then. You’re not a bad person.”

Aaron’s mouth parts and his eyes are widen and blue again. Robert doesn’t know what’s caused him to look the way he does. It’s like he’s been hit by something. Robert watches Aaron give him this quizzical little look.

“What?”

“Why are you nice to me?” Aaron says. He leans against the bench and has his arms crossed. It puts Robert on the spot, and he thinks about what he’s put up with for Aaron. He’s still putting up with mood swings and distance and Nathan.

Aaron blinks gently, worries that he shouldn’t have even asked. The thought spills over as he thinks of the way Robert seems to handle him in a way no one has got the knack of yet. It’s almost effortless.

Robert shrugs. “Doesn’t feel good not being nice to you.” He says, he’s blinking like mad and feels almost like he’s said too much.

Robert thinks that him and Aaron are both just standing of opposite ends of the room, trying to take small steps forward without letting the other know. They’re both armed, pointing guns and looking mean and then being _saps_.

Aaron feels something get stuck to the back of his throat and he breathes out cold air. Robert takes his coat off slowly and Aaron smirks.

“You’re not doing what they do in the movies are you?”

Robert has his coat halfway off and then he’s frowning. “Well I’m doing it now.” He says before shoving it towards Aaron. Aaron takes it slowly and then pulls it over his shoulders before sighing. It smells like Robert. He smells like Robert.

He’s meant to be getting a takeaway. He’s here.

Robert thinks. “Leyla didn’t think it was weird ... us being friends? You just said it, so I’d go out with Chrissie.”

Aaron shrugs. “I just had to ...” He struggles. “I thought pushing you away would make things a little easier.”

“And did it?”

Aaron gives him this look. “Well I nearly pushed Chrissie White into the road when I saw you two so maybe not.”

Robert smirks. “Think that’s called jealously.” He dares to say, he means it.

Aaron arches an eyebrow. “You’re full of yourself.”

“You’re the one who said you don’t want me kissing her.” Robert blinks. “Unless it’s just a _her_ thing and I’m free to ...”

Aaron crowds Robert’s space and suddenly kisses him. It’s an answer to the question that was too difficult to understand.

It’s a no. “You’re not.” Aaron says. He’s stumped when he realises that he has absolutely no right to be so demanding. He feels like a fool until Robert is smirking down into another kiss.

Aaron can feel that Robert feels. He can feel that he feels for _him_ , that there’s this thing between them that can keep him satisfied.

Aaron leans away and sighs against Robert’s pink lips. “I missed that.”

“What?”

“Kissing you.” Aaron whispers, and then he does something he maybe shouldn’t. He has a hand up towards Robert’s face and he slowly strokes his thumb across Robert’s cheek.

Robert holds his breath for what feels like hours before he leans in and kisses Aaron back.

Aaron’s got to get a takeaway, they have to leave this bench soon because it’s about to start raining, and Robert knows that he’s teetering on the edge of being an absolute fool over Aaron.

But they stay, for the moment, they stay.


	15. A memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron surprises Robert before leaving him disappointed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there’s a lot of soft moments wrapped up in denial in this chapter which i’m excited to share! hope everyone is keeping safe!

  
Robert opens his eyes around the smell of smoke, and it takes him so far back that he’s almost paralysed against what’s happened. He’s not dreamt of the barn, and the fire, and the chaos, since he was a teenager.

It’s not been a problem. It’s been there, it’s been constant and yet he’s been able to hear about fires, see them on the telly in dramas and not freak. Robert takes it all in now and thinks of what’s brought it all on.

He closes his eyes again and sees Jack’s massive hands scooping Andy up, wrapping around his waist and yanking him back.

Robert closes his eyes and then breathes in. He thinks of Aaron, the soft touches and gentle way everything seemed to be so easy between them. He feels Aaron’s fingertips slow against his shoulders and down his arms. It wasn’t filled with hesitation anymore, there was hardly any caution. It was tender. It was _wanted_.

Only now it’s left him in a cold sweat thinking about the fire, alone, in his bed without Aaron close by.

He knows with this certainty deep down inside, that it’s become a problem. Aaron’s a problem and yet also the opposite. Aaron’s a problem and the problem comes with more problems but they’re his and his only. He won’t bother Aaron with it.

He can’t.

—

Robert brings flowers to Sunday brunch with his mum and sister and he doesn’t expect the looks he gets when he places them in the vase and turns towards them.

“Do you not like tulips all of a sudden?”

Sarah crosses her arms over, looks at Victoria and suddenly he thinks about this being some sort of intervention. He’s suddenly nervous and it shows on his face because Sarah’s coming towards him.

“I love them darling.”

Vic bites her lip awkwardly. “Just like we love Andy. And you. Both of you.”

Robert’s shoulders seize up. “Is he outside the door?”

“‘Course he isn’t.” Sarah smiles. “You know I’m not going to push you into anything. You know that don’t you?” Robert knows, he’s always known. He nods his head slowly and then he thinks about Andy and his relationship.

There’s chaos there between them, it burns and drowns them at the exact same time, and it leaves them hollow.

It’s sadness and anger and _Katie_ and mistakes.

“You want me to talk to him about moving away?” Robert says. He keeps his head down, jabs his fork around the plate as he shuffles in his seat.

Vic makes this sound; he looks up towards her. “Not talk to him ... just ...” She flaps and Robert rolls his eyes. “What’s that look?”

“We both know he won’t listen.” Robert says. “If he’s dead keen on moving away then I say let him.”

“That’s the thing though.” Sarah says. Robert stares at her red jumper and worried look on her face. He feels like she’s about to tell him something he doesn’t want to hear. “We don’t know if he wants to go either. They’ve been _fighting_.”

“You said.” Robert’s a little short with her and Vic sighs. “It’s Andy mum. All he knows is how to farm and ... farm.” He shrugs. “He won’t be going anywhere.”

Sarah nods slowly and Robert’s back to feeling for her. It’s not like he often sits and dwells on his mum’s relationship with his brother but it’s always one that he’s not resented. It’s sad, distant somehow. It’s like they’ve both grappled with trying to make things right after that match was lit and the place was up in flames.

“Let’s hope.” Vic says.

There’s a long drawn out pause until his sister is talking about her love life. She’s got a date and apparently Robert should be jealous. He thinks of Aaron suddenly and the feeling hits him hard and fast.

He’s quiet for the remainder of the night. Vic teases and pokes about his own love life and he just rolls his eyes and pretends to be listening. He isn’t, he’s distant from things in a way that only ends up worrying his mum.

It’s why she asks for his help with washing up. They stand side by side and he finds himself staring until she has a hand over his and she sighs.

“I know what’s coming up.” Sarah says.

Robert feigns confusion for a second.

“I had a horrible dream the other night.” Sarah frowns. “About it all.” Robert stares at her chin wobbling slightly and he’s blown away by it suddenly. He can count on one hand the amount of times he’s seen her cry. She isn’t now, but she’s close enough.

Robert has a hand over her shoulder, squeezes.

“We got through it.” Sarah says, almost back to herself again. She nods tightly.

“Yeah. We did.” Robert says. He plays with the tea towel and stares at the patterned yellow stripes, the small hole near the hem. He doesn’t look up. “I had one. Last night.”

Sarah puts a plate down and raises an eyebrow. “You never have ...”

Robert gulps hard. “I did this year.” He says.

Sarah crosses her arms over and gives this sympathetic sigh. “You’ve always said ... since you don’t _talk_ about it ever it never surfaces for you.”

Robert blinks. He knows what he’s said. It just goes against what he’s done this year. He didn’t have Aaron last year. He doesn’t even have him _now._

“Yeah.” Robert says. “It’s fine though. It’s just a dream.”

Sarah nods. “Andy rang me this morning about it all. He hasn’t been sleeping well either.”

Robert thinks of calling Andy, he thinks about them having a chat about everything and setting things aside. It would be nice, Robert’s not going to deny the part inside of him that wants that.

“It’s just this time of year.” Robert says. He doesn’t give her an answer really. She doesn’t push him for one either.

—

Robert feels Aaron’s hand against his face as they lay side by side. Their legs are tangled and Aaron’s thumb strokes slowly across Robert’s cheek. Robert gazes up into Aaron’s eyes and thinks of what the time is. It’s dark outside and they’ve pulled and pushed at each other until they were falling into Robert’s bed.

He’s been quiet all day. Aaron had found him, had a hand on his waist and soft words in his ear and now they’re here.

Aaron’s hair is curled up by his forehead and he’s a sweaty mess, but Robert still feels Aaron’s thumb stroking so delicately across his cheek. It feels safe. Eventually Aaron stops, his arms are draped around Robert’s middle and he sticks his head into the crook of Robert’s neck.

They’re both still naked and Aaron hasn’t said anything about leaving yet. Robert tried to focus on it but it drifts away and he gets stuck in his own head again.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Aaron hums against Robert’s chest and he presses his lips down to kiss before looking up. “Rob?”

Robert draws himself out of whatever he was in. “Huh?”

“You. You’re being all quiet.”

Robert gulps thickly. “I wasn’t a minute ago.”

Aaron smirks, runs a hand over Robert’s face again. “Very funny.” He whispers. “What’s wrong? Really?”

Robert wants to tell him, but he also doesn’t. It’d only mean everything becoming heavier between them than it already has. He feels certain until Aaron’s eyes are growing with this concern and he decides to start speaking.

As soon as he does, there’s this knock on his door and his eyes widen against it. He looks down at Aaron and then watches him scramble up.

“Who’s that?”

Robert shrugs. “How am I meant –” He watches Aaron climb off the bed and search for his underwear. He’s half-dressed by the time he’s looking at Robert again. “They’ll go away.”

“Rob?”

Aaron pulls this face. He hears and Robert knows it’s Vic instantly, but Aaron doesn’t. It makes things stretch out between them until Aaron’s slowing his movements down and gulping hard.

“I need to go.”

Robert tries to explain. “You don’t.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “I don’t?”

“No.” Robert whispers. “Aaron ...”

“My boyfriend would say otherwise.”

Robert frowns faintly. He isn’t sure why it feels like this _dagger_ as Aaron mentions him. That’s his job, it’s _his_ dagger to jam at Aaron, not the other way around. It makes his eyes flicker as he watches Aaron do his zip on in his jeans.

“Your boyfriend would say _a lot_.” Robert says, he rolls his eyes and then looks down at the sheets again before Aaron is freezing. “Well he would.”

Robert hears the sound of Vic’s shoes disappearing and he suddenly wants to rewind everything back a few minutes.

“I don’t need this.” Aaron says, he carries his shoes into the living room and Robert waits until there’s a loud slam of the door before he creeps out of the bedroom and sees that Vic’s sent him a text saying she tried to pop in.

He breathes in harshly before tossing his phone to the side.

—

Aaron’s a dick at the very best of times. He’s one now as he walks past Robert without even saying a word to him. He thinks of Vic and then way she ruined the moment without even meaning to. He thinks of what she’d probably have wanted to talk about.

Robert imagines Sarah and her discussing the fire in detail, then both crying and feeling better for it. He doesn’t understand it himself but it’s their thing. He doesn’t want it to become his thing too.

Robert spends half the morning too busy with work to notice how annoying Aaron’s being but when he watches him go off by himself for lunch, the message hits home. Robert’s too far in his own head to dwell on it, he’s in the kitchen pouring himself a glass of water and thinking of what could have happened if he hadn’t got out of the fire when he did. The glass slips as he stops focusing on what’s he’s doing.

It crashes on the ground and on instinct he bends to pick the pieces up. He ends up with a shard in his hand and he’s wincing at the blood until he’s hearing feet rushing into the room.

“Rob?”

Aaron’s standing there, white work shirt and boring blue tie. His eyes are wide and blue as he comes further into the room. He looks like he’s just walked in on Robert bleeding out on the floor.

“What’ve you done?” Aaron crouches, looks down at Robert’s hand and holds it almost like he’s forgetting where they are.

“I just ...”

Aaron tuts, Robert’s too shocked to laugh at it. He follows Aaron to the small table in the kitchen and then watches him open a cupboard and search for the first aid kit.

“It’s just a little cut.”

Aaron steps over the broken glass to reach Robert and sits opposite him. “Open your palm you idiot.”

Robert gives him this look before opening his hand up so Aaron can see where he’s been cut. Aaron works in silence and Robert stares at him as he gets tweezers out and yanks.

“Oi.” Robert jumps back. He watches Aaron pulls this face. “That hurt.”

“I’m _helping_.” Aaron says.

“I don’t know why.” Robert says, because it would be easier if Aaron didn’t.

Aaron gulps hard. Robert watches his expression change, and he expects Aaron to get up and leave but he doesn’t. He scoots the chair closer and their foreheads almost touch as Aaron continues to clean up the cut and places a plaster on the wound neatly.

Robert expects Aaron to get up and leave again but he doesn’t. He keeps their foreheads together and Robert suddenly thinks he should be the one to go. He doesn’t do that either.

“I ... who you heard at the door ... it’s not what you think.” Robert almost whispers the words out and then Aaron’s jaw is tensing.

“OK.” Aaron says. He leans his forehead away and then Robert stares at the red mark on Aaron’s neck, the skin raised there.

Robert looks away, thinks of Aaron yanking Nathan into bed after hearing Vic at the door. He breathes in tightly and then finds himself looking away.

“You’re in your head again.” Aaron says.

Robert still looks away.

“I know you.”

Robert gulps hard. “Just leave it.” He says. He looks down at his hand. “Thanks for this but I’ve got work to ...”

“You can talk to me.”

Robert’s shocked by how it sounds coming from Aaron. He stares at him and then at Aaron’s neck. Aaron suddenly understands because he’s breathing changes and he gulps.

“Robert ...”

“I don’t think it’s best that I do.” Robert says. There’s a wall, it’s raised again. He stands and Aaron almost looks gutted about it all.

Robert suddenly wants to shake him, ask him to stop messing with his head but he doesn’t. Instead he’s back to thinking about things he hasn’t thought about since he was a teenager.

—

Victoria doesn’t seem to quiet down about Andy, and he thinks about how far removed she always will be to what happened that night the barn burned down. She wants to host something for her first year working Diddy Dinners. Robert thinks about them being in the same room together and settles under the knowledge that he doesn’t need the aggro.

**From Vic:** Just think about it (16:22)

  
Robert closes his eyes, bends his head down and moves the phone away from him so that he doesn’t need to reply. He only looks up again when Leyla is over his shoulder telling him that a client is here to see him.

Robert brings him what he needs, he stays in a stuffy meeting room with the old git as he goes through the contract over and over again.

“Everything up to standard?” Robert asks, he passes over a pen and tries to be polite, but he gets this scowl back from the bloke and the papers are being chucked back at him. “What’s the prob—”

“Shouldn’t you be the one finding that out yourself? I thought White only had the best working for him.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “Sorry?” His voice is tight in his throat and he tries to stay calm.

“Yeah.” The man stiffens in the seat like he can’t move. “You should be.”

Robert takes the contract in his hand and stares at the pages, his eyes scan quickly and then the man is leaning in and telling him to check the figures.

“Lawrence in? He’s an old pal. I can have a long catch up as you fix your mess.”

Robert watches the man leave the room, shut the door behind him. Everything stops inside Robert for a second before he’s up again, marching out the room and through the office only to fall straight into Aaron.

It’s instantly something calming. Aaron’s eyes are so blue, so wide, so focused on Robert and he gives him this small smile.

“Hey. Look, about before, I just ...” Aaron flaps about and then stops. “I could ... we could meet up tonight.” Aaron’s voice is like gravel, his eyes run from Robert’s feet to his head within a matter of seconds.

Robert sighs. “I need to get this ...” He moves to pass Aaron, but Aaron ends up following him. He’s asking what’s wrong, he even has a hand on Robert’s shoulder as they approach his desk. “Aaron.” He whispers, looks down and it’s like Aaron remembers himself and drags it away.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just ... stupid client.” Robert huffs, sits down slowly and then looks at his phone, sees that Vic has sent him something else. “And my sister. And everything so if you could just ...” He looks up slowly to see that Aaron’s not moved at all.

“Print room.” Aaron whispers. He taps at Robert’s desk and disappears down the hallway.

Robert looks around, sees Jimmy with half his sandwich down his front and in a world of his own. He decides to follow Aaron despite the fact that he’s got work to do and his head feels especially chaotic at the moment.

“What?” Robert asks. He shuts the door behind him, and Aaron leans up from the printer to give this concerned look. He’s not looked at him like this before, it seems to make everything so much harder to even contemplate.

“You look stressed out.” Aaron says, he comes closer. “Your hand this morning and ...” He bites his lip and there’s a hand on Robert’s waist. “I thought you could use the distraction.” He almost smiles and Robert sighs, moves away.

“Maybe not right now yeah?” Robert snaps. Aaron’s face falls and he steps back. “If that’s all you wanted then ..." Robert goes to turn away, he’s not even sure why he feels hurt by what Aaron called him in here for.

“No. Robert, wait.” Aaron’s hand is suddenly in his and it feels strange for a second. He just stares down at their hands squeezed together. “What’s wrong?”

Robert’s shoulders tighten slightly and Aaron’s face blushes red as he takes his hand out of Robert’s and steps back a little. His face is bright red and he runs a hand over his mouth before breathing in.

“I’ve — nothing.”

“I can help.”

Robert shrugs and then breathes out slowly. “I messed up on the figures of a deal. Probably because my mum and sister think it’s a good idea for me and my brother to spend hours in the same room as each other and it _isn’t_.”

Aaron gives him this look. “Your brother?”

Robert nods.

Aaron sighs. “They want you to make up I take it?”

Robert shrugs at him. “It’s complicated.” He says. He shuts his eyes and then opens them again. “I don’t need it right now.”

Aaron nods, the sound of the printers making their weird little robotic noises seems to fill up the atmosphere around them until he’s taking the papers from Robert and going through the contract himself.

“He said it was the figures?”

Robert nods out a reply and then sighs. “I don’t even know what I missed, I didn’t — he just looked at me like I was some idiot.” He says, he’s breathing sharp and fast and this he feels this disappointment everywhere. He hears himself babbling, feeling sorry for himself and then suddenly Aaron’s so close and his arms are tight around him. He’s just hugging him.

Robert breathes in. He can see Aaron’s hair as he opens his eyes from the way they were closed shut. It’s just a second, it’s just Aaron’s hand running up and down his back and him saying it’s going to be OK.

It’s just comfort.

It’s just Aaron and so suddenly Robert realises that he’s not his to have any of this with. This terrible feeling sweeps over him.

Aaron leans away from him slowly and then looks down at the contract again like nothing’s just happened between them. Robert doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do or say so he just stares at the man in front of him who made everything _stop_ for a second.

There’s this feeling hit his chest so suddenly and he realises without a single doubt that he’s going to start feeling something he won’t be able to control very soon. It’s going to be centred all around Aaron.

Aaron stops, looks up. “Who’s the bloke again?”

“Matthews.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and the next minute Robert knows he’s storming out of the room and thundering towards Lawrence’s office. Matthews is just coming out and Aaron practically shoves the contract towards him.

“Robert’s new but he’s not an idiot. You know there’s nothing wrong with these figures mate.” Aaron’s almost vibrating. He’s seething and Robert leans out to touch his elbow, to tell him to calm down.

Matthews scoffs. “He’s charging almost double for the handover.”

Aaron scowls at the idiot and then shakes his head. “I’d invest in some glasses _sir_. There’s only two zeroes.”

Matthews’ face is bright red, and he takes his glasses off of his head before peering down again. He looks embarrassed as he gulps.

Aaron smirks. “So I’d sign it before we change our mind.”

Aaron watches as he signs the contract. The smirk doesn’t shift as he apologises to Robert and walks away from both of them. Robert looks up to see Aaron giving him this small nod, this tiny smile.

Robert feels this sweeping through his chest, and it won’t go away. He nods back.

“See. All sorted.”

Robert breathes out unsteadily. “Thanks to you.”

Aaron sticks a hand in his pocket and puffs out his chest. “I’m a top bloke.” He says. Robert shakes his head, stifles a laugh. “No need to worry then.”

“No need.”

“You were starting to make me think I fell for a right wimp.”

Robert scowls instantly, rolls his eyes and turns to walk away. He wasn’t being a wimp. He was unsure of —

_Oh._

Then what Aaron’s said has time to fester in his mind and he’s suddenly struck by what he’s said. When he looks up again Aaron’s already gone.

—

Robert and Aaron stumble into Robert’s flat, unable to stop from kissing each other. Robert ends up almost whacking his head against the wall, Aaron cups his head, protects him from the impact and calls him an idiot.

“Shut up.” Robert whispers, brings himself towards Aaron again and then has him sprawled out on the bed moaning underneath him for what only feels like minutes until Aaron is rolling off of him and panting against his ear.

Robert has a hand on Aaron’s face, he strokes slowly and then sighs against Aaron’s lips.

“That was unexpected.”

Robert rolls his eyes, thinks of pulling Aaron away from work as soon as he could because a simple thank you wasn’t enough. “Sorry yeah. You didn’t give me the text as a heads up.” He looks up at Aaron and kisses his lips softly.

“Don’t be a prat.” Aaron tells him, a kick gentle against Robert’s leg.

“What like Matthews?” Robert sighs hard.

“No he was a dick.” Aaron smooths a hand over Robert’s chest. He gulps hard and breathes in. “You didn’t deserve it.”

Robert watches Aaron play with the hem of the bed cover, he’s biting his lip as he stares at the stitching and then he’s looking up again. Robert’s looking down at him.

“What?” Aaron whispers gently.

Robert just shakes his head, feels like he’s being hypnotised by the sight of the man and then he breathes in. “You didn’t have to stick up for me.”

“I know I didn’t.” Aaron says. “But I wanted to.” He shrugs slowly. “The look on his face was amazing.”

Robert’s face falls a little. Then he stammers out a response. “Yeah.” He says.

Aaron buries his head into the pillow and sighs. “He needed telling.”

Robert nods and then stops, arches an eyebrow and moves so that he’s facing Aaron head on. “Could have got fired though.”

Aaron pulls this face, his nose crinkles slightly and his lips are tight. “Thought _I_ had a shit outlook on life.”

Robert rolls his eyes, “I’m just saying. Thanks.”

Aaron doesn’t say anything for a second or two. His eyes are bluer in this light and Robert can only stare at him. “Yeah you did already.”

Robert bends to kiss Aaron slowly. His hands cup around Aaron’s face and then he’s pulling him down onto the bed again. He’s flat against the bed, purple silk covers sliding off of his naked body.

Aaron puts a hand on Robert’s chest, stops them just to stare at Robert.

“What?”

“Do you want to talk about your brother?”

Robert frowns, “Right now? As I’m trying to get your dick ..."

“Robert.” Aaron says, he sounds annoyed and Robert sits back, slides down beside him again before running a hand through his hair. He doesn’t quite get Aaron. He’s just stopped sex to talk and yet this is meant to be an affair.

“You want to talk?”

“You were upset.” Aaron says. He frowns up at the ceiling and then looks at Robert. “Andy right?” He has a hand on Robert’s stomach, he draws small circles and then stops.

Robert’s eyes flicker. He’s touched. He shouldn’t be. “Yeah.” He rolls his eyes. “He might be moving away. I’m supposed to care. Or convince him not to.”

Aaron blinks. “And you don’t care?” Robert doesn’t say anything. He tilts his head to the side. “So you do.”

“He wouldn’t listen to me. If he wants to move with Katie then he should. I don’t get what the big de..."

“Who’s Katie?”

Robert stops thinking for a second. He just stares down at his purple sheets and thinks of telling Aaron who she is. He thinks of telling him that she symbolises the fact that he’s had an affair before and been responsible for letting it get too far out of hand. That roughly translates to admitting he set out to hurt Andy and ended up hurting himself more than anyone else. It would only scare Aaron.

“His wife?” Aaron’s trying, Robert’s still unsure why but he nods back a reply and feels Aaron’s naked shoulder brush past his.

Aaron turns his body so that he’s almost flat on top of Robert. He stares at him and Robert stares back.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

Robert’s eyes are heavy, and he breathes in before tilting his head and daring Aaron to practice what he preaches. The thought makes his head go fuzzy, so he stops.

“I know.” Robert says.

Aaron frowns. “‘S not just that then.” He whispers back. It’s the softness of his voice that makes Robert’s heart do something strange. “Is it?”

Robert thinks of the fire again, flashes of heat rising and making it difficult to bare. It takes over him, makes it hard to breathe for a second.

Robert goes to speak. He’s halfway there, forming sentences that start and end with the fire and how it’s on his mind, but it all dies away when Aaron’s phone brings. Aaron moves up promptly and leans over so that he can answer it.

Robert stays silent. He looks down at Aaron’s chest, the rise and fall of it and then looks up into his eyes. He hears Aaron answer.

“Hey.” Aaron says, he’s gulping hard like he’s trying not to show Nathan that he’s out of breath. “Yeah no I’m ... I’m on my way back now.”

He lies. Robert rolls his eyes and then pushes his head down against the pillow. He tries to let his frustration out now before Aaron can see any of it. Aaron doesn’t even look at him, he just hangs up and then leans over the bed to start collecting his clothes.

“Nathan I take it.”

Aaron nods. “Yeah he made dinner. I forgot.”

Robert gulps hard. “Can’t you stay a bit longer?” The thought stretches out so far in his throat and he can’t breathe against the way he sounds.

Aaron softens slightly and there’s all this guilt over his face. Robert sees it, he stares up and then gets the rejection he was waiting for.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron almost trips over in his hurry, he’s getting his shoes on by Robert’s wardrobe and keeping his head down.

“Why?”

Aaron looks up suddenly.

Robert feels brave for some insane reason, asks, “Why are you sorry?”

“Because you want me to stay.” Aaron’s eyes flicker and he stops trying to twist his foot into his shiny work shoes. He looks confused as he stares at Robert.

Robert looks down again. “Not because you want to stay?”

Aaron tuts. “You know I do.” He says, like it’s a given. He doesn’t know if he means because they could have had sex again or if he wanted to hear what was on Robert mind. “Staying away from you ain’t really possible, we’ve been over this.” Robert thinks it’s because they could have had sex again. He feels like an idiot for thinking otherwise.

“Yeah.”

“But I’ve got to go.” Aaron turns towards the bedroom door and then back to Robert.

“Yeah. You said.” Robert leans back down on the bed and looks up towards the ceiling. He watches Aaron hesitate, almost teetering forward and backwards and debating whether or not to kiss Robert. He doesn’t.

Robert’s left wanting to ask Aaron why he has to go, he wonders if he’ll ever have the courage to say it out loud.

Aaron leaves before he gets the chance to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldn’t not add the fell for a quitter line in because it was literally the scene that made me root for robron when i was back watching live. it was such a game changer and it’s still insane to me that robert said it, admitted it and then still tried to brush off the slip up by his denial of his feelings 
> 
> anywhooo thanks for reading, hope you’re still enjoying! there’s still lots and lots to come


	16. A wardrobe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron invites Robert round to his after work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was fun to write, hope you enjoy!

  
Aaron sips his coffee slowly and stares out of the window to watch the way the rain falls down the window at once and then stops altogether. The clouds are heavy and dark, and he thinks there’s going to be thunder until Nathan walks in and says he think they’ll be a rainbow.

Aaron’s struck by a memory of their first date. He’d been so nervous that he thought he was going to bolt and then Nathan had come into the bar with this small smile on his face and everything seemed happier suddenly.

Everything seemed happier.

Seems. Everything _seems_ happier.

Nathan has a hand on Aaron’s waist, and he jumps at it, feels this need to move away.

“Sorry.” Aaron breathes in, moves his head down and then turns away so that Nathan can’t see his face.

“You OK?”

Aaron frowns. “That headache is ... yeah it’s still pretty bad.” It doesn’t come out right and he wonders when it became so difficult to get his lies out properly. He almost doesn’t believe himself.

“You’ve not ...” Aaron’s convinced that Nathan is going to say something about him not being up for it lately, them not being _intimate_ lately. It makes Aaron turn around and look at him. “We haven’t really had time for ourselves have we?”

Aaron nods gently. “Stuff’s been pretty all over the place.”

“Sonny has.” Nathan rolls his eyes. “I’m still trying to work him round you know, with the whole rehab stuff.”

Aaron shrugs. “Just give him time.” He has a hand gentle on Nathan’s shoulder and he closes his eyes. “He’ll come round eventually.”

“Or he’ll get worse.” Nathan pulls this face and Aaron feels this need to protect him, not let anything _worse_ happen to him.

Aaron thinks about what partners are supposed to do. They’re supposed to keep their partner safe, they supposed to make sure they’re happy. It’s like he does the opposite, he knows he can’t stop doing the opposite.

Again. And again. And again.

“Hey. Not with you by his side. You’re like his hero.” Aaron smiles, now keeps nodding his head, keeps reassuring. “He’ll be OK if you’re here.”

“So will I. With you here.” Nathan runs a hand over Aaron’s hair. He gives him his little smile that sends a punch straight to Aaron’s stomach.

“You were there for me, through _everything_.” Aaron says, he remembers it all because it’s not like he’s ever likely to forget. “You’re amazing. You know that?”

Nathan gives this small frown. “Doesn’t mean you owe me.” He jokes.

Aaron’s eyes widen. “I didn’t mean it like that you plank.” He says, he leans in and hugs Nathan’s waist a bit tighter. “You’re just amazing that’s all.”

Nathan frowns. “Amazing. Said twice. What’ve you done?”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Nothing you idiot.”

“Plank and idiot. More like you already.” Nathan’s saying, he kisses Aaron down to his neck and then he’s getting himself a glass of water and talking about Aaron making a doctor’s appointment if his head gets any worse.

Something’s getting worse. Aaron knows.

It’s definitely not his head.

—

Robert’s short with him for the next couple of days and he’s not going to pretend like he’s clueless about it all. He thinks about the way he left in a hurry last time, the way he’s apparently some tap that keeps leaking.

He’s by the coffee machine downstairs when he spots Robert coming from the lifts. He’s eating a baguette like it’s personally offended him, and Aaron can’t help but smile at him.

It takes a second for him to walk over. He sees the green tie Robert’s got on, tiny crosses scattering up and down. Aaron has his eyes on Robert when he touches his shoulder and turns him around slowly.

“Sorry about running off the other day.” Aaron doesn’t know how many times he’s apologised for having Nathan, he doesn’t know if this is what you do when you have an affair going on for months. He thinks about how it’s like in the movies, it’s all stolen kisses and hiding your lover under your sheets. It’s not debating whether or not the person you’re having an affair with even _likes_ you half the time. “I had ...”

“Nathan.” Robert shrugs, “I know the score Aaron.”

Aaron wonders if he does, if Robert knows that the real score is that they’re like this when they’re in public, short and blunt and angry. But then when they’re alone, it’s different.

It’s soft hands and laughing and forgetting there’s an outside to what they have in the moment.

It’s dangerous and Aaron knows it.

“Did you sort things out with your brother?”

Aaron watches Robert stop, like the comment has unnerved him or something. He doesn’t say anything for a second before shrugging his shoulders.

“There’s nothing to sort out.” Robert tells him.

“Didn’t sounds like that the other day.”

“It’s not your problem.” Robert snaps. His eyes go wide and Aaron sighs, he scratches his eyebrow.

“You know, this is me trying to apologise.”

Robert looks up with a frown on his face. “What for? Having a boyfriend.” He shrugs his shoulders again.

“No leaving when you were in the middle of — your clingy _soft_ act.” Aaron waves a hand out and Robert hates him for it. He goes to turn away when Aaron’s hand is on his arm. “I didn’t mean that.”

“Whatever.” Robert says before turning back towards the lifts.

Aaron watches him go.

—

Robert’s in his own head by the time he’s finished work. He keeps himself to himself and doesn’t even bother saying goodbye to Aaron. There’s no point to it. He doesn’t even want to see him.

The thought stays and then disappears when he sees Aaron leaning against his car. Robert tightens his grip around his satchel and then scowls. “You’re on my car.”

Aaron’s arms are folded. He nods. “Nathan’s at a work thing. He just text.”

Robert rolls his eyes and walks towards his car. He leans over to move Aaron out of the way and then feels his hand brush against Aaron’s. He looks at him, his eyes are wide with hope.

“Come to mine.” Aaron whispers. Robert looks up in shock. “I want you.” He says.

Robert gulps, brushes up on his This Is An Affair responses and sharpens his tongue. “Careful, don’t want to sound clingy.”

Aaron’s jaw clenches. “OK maybe I deserved that.” Robert rolls his eyes. “OK fine I did.” He gets up on his tiptoes and looks around. “You can say no.”

Only Robert is terrified of the fact that it doesn’t seem like he can. He tries to keep acting normal, feels like he’s on a tight rope and about to fall flat on his arse if he’s being honest. He bites his lip and then pulls away as he sees Aaron’s hand lowering down to his belt.

“Find someone else.” Robert blurts out. Mainly because somewhere within the last five minutes he’s decided he needs to stop being treated like a mug.

Aaron scoffs. “Sort of keen on you to be honest.” He says. He’s almost smiling. Then he’s not. “Come on. I didn’t — Nathan’s not in and there’s ...”

Robert turns his head away.

“You’re bored.”

“I want you. There’s a difference.” Aaron says. His eyes are blue blue blue and Robert’s shoulders relax and tighten under what he’s saying. It makes his head spin.

It’s exactly how he ends up getting into his own car and following Aaron to his place. Less than twenty minutes later, he’s watching Aaron walk in and he’s waiting to do the same. Robert stares at himself in the mirror, asks himself what he’s playing at and then blows out a breath.

He waits for another five minutes until he’s in the lift and on Aaron’s floor. It’s only as he knocks that he realises that this is different. It’s Aaron’s place. It’s Aaron and Nathan’s place.

Aaron answers, yanks Robert in for a kiss and they practically topple over each other until Robert is leaning back for air. Aaron gives him this look like he’s annoyed, and Robert smiles at him.

“I missed this.” Aaron whispers against Robert’s lips. He says it like it’s been ages. Robert presses his mouth against Aaron’s to shut him up again.

Aaron only seems to move away again to get them both a beer. It gives Robert the chance to look around the place without Aaron seeing. At first he just notices the dark green of the walls in the living room.

Then he takes in the tiny grey sofa and coffee table. He stares down and sees a pile of car magazines. He frowns and then smiles slightly as he picks one of them up and then sees that a page has been folded over. He puts it down again quickly before looking towards the kitchen and seeing Aaron still pottering around.

It gives him time to spot the pictures. There’s not many. He sees Aaron hugging who he supposes is his mum. She doesn’t look more than double his age. There’s a picture of Aaron and his little sister and Nathan. Then there’s one of just Aaron and Nathan.

They’re all in black marbled frames. Side by side. Robert sees the importance in each one, what they hold for Aaron. He suddenly feels so out of place it’s alarming. He likes it like this, he’s so far removed that it’s almost more exciting this way. It’s not giving him the chance to slip and slide into a bad misreading of the situation.

Aaron’s there with a beer can seconds later, he waves it in Robert’s face and takes a sip of his own before he’s clawing at Robert’s coat and then dragging him towards the bedroom.

Robert falls onto the bed and forgets things for a while. Aaron’s hands are tight in his hair as they move together. The bed creaks and Robert imagines Aaron and Nathan. He has to squeeze his eyes shut to forget it. There’s Aaron’s mouth against his neck and he’s marking him.

Robert thinks it’s ironic. He doesn’t tell Aaron to stop. He relaxes into the feeling of them being them until Aaron’s sweaty and shivering against him. He’s coming down from his high and he almost looks deliriously happy.

Robert stares.

“God.” Aaron pants. His hands on soft against Robert’s chest and Robert notices the way they’re shaking slightly. Aaron’s looking at him like he’s in awe or something, like he hasn’t had _this_ for a while.

Robert stares up at Aaron’s ceiling. He looks around the room and tries not to concentrate on how things seem to all have their own little places. It’s strange to see.

Aaron kisses him, open mouthed and slow until he leans away again. “Did Nigel see you?”

Robert frowns. “Who’s that?”

Aaron sits up, hugs his knees. He doesn’t sound alarmed but there’s definitely something there. “Front desk.”

Robert shrugs. “He was on the phone. Besides. I didn’t look like I was lost, just came straight up.” He frowns. “Why?”

Aaron strokes his arm. “Knows me and Nathan. That’s all.”

Robert arches an eyebrow. “So would think it was suspect to see me coming up to see you?”

Aaron chews at his lip, nods. Robert stares at the length of Aaron’s back for what feels like hours and then breathes out. He wants to reach him but doesn’t, it’s difficult to think about pulling Aaron down and them doing just this for another few hours.

“And you parked away?”

“What?”

Aaron turns. “Not near me.” He says. “Nathan has a thing for cars too.” He bites his lip again. This time he looks nervous. “He’d go crazy if he saw yours.”

Robert smirks and then looks down at the black sheets. He strokes over the covers and reaches for a pillow before tilting his head. “Where is he anyway?”

Aaron shrugs. “Out with his brother.” He turns to Robert. “Speaking of which, you didn’t actually tell me what ...”

Robert just sees Aaron’s eyes widen. He suddenly knows that something is wrong just by the way he’s stopped speaking.

“What?”

Aaron pulls a hand over his mouth and his eyes stay wide. “That’s Nathan’s car.”

“What is it?”

“That sound. His car. I know his car.” Aaron jumps out. He’s darting across the room completely naked and staring out the window with this look on his face. “That’s his car.”

Robert nods. “I thought you said he was out with his brother?”

Aaron scowls as he turns back towards Robert. “Well _obviously_ he’s forgot something.” He races back to the bed and reaches for his underwear. Robert’s left staring at him. “Well come on.” He says.

Robert suddenly realises that he’s being an idiot and starts searching for his shoes. They’re outside in the living room and he practically bolts to get them before reaching for his can of beer and chucking it in the bin.

Aaron’s still flapping about tugging at the duvet and flattening it down with his palms by the time there’s the sound of voices near the door. Robert makes out Nathan’s but not the other guy. He supposes it’s Sonny.

Robert’s still half-dressed and he realises he can’t just walk out. It’d be too weird, Nathan would ask questions, he’d make it worse. What he doesn’t expect is for Aaron to tell him to get under the bed.

“ _What_?”

Aaron shakes his head. “Just get under the bed. I swear to ...”

The door goes and Robert runs towards the wardrobe on this weird instinct. He manages to slot himself inside quite nicely and he watches through the tiny crack as Aaron pats his cheeks and shakes his head. It’s almost like he’s getting into this different mode.

“Hey.” Aaron says. He pokes his head out of the bedroom and looks at Nathan. “I thought you two were on ...”

“Can you believe he wouldn’t serve me.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “What?”

“Yeah.” Nathan starts walking around the living room and Sonny hangs back in complete silence. “So I tried to get my driver’s licence out, but I don’t have it in my wallet.”

Aaron folds his arms over tightly. “Right.”

Nathan sighs hard, hand on his hip as he stops looking through drawers and then smiles. “Bedroom.” He says. Aaron follows him, hot on his heels and Robert closes his eyes, breathes in shallowly as Nathan comes into the room.

“I don’t think it’s in here.” Aaron says. He watches Nathan go through drawers and then sit on the bed with a thud. “It could be in the bathroom.” He blurts out. Robert suddenly questions how Aaron’s successfully having an affair.

Nathan snorts. “Bathroom?” He shakes his head. “It’s probably under the be…”

“ _No_.” Aaron shouts. Nathan looks at him like he’s mad. “I mean ... no I don’t think so. I don’t think it’d be under the bed.”

Nathan tilts his head. “I do.” He says. Robert watches the look on Aaron’s face when Nathan bends down and starts feeling around. He watches as he realises that he isn’t hiding there after all. It’s relief. Robert doesn’t know what to feel. “Fine. You were right.”

Aaron laughs nervously. “Always am.” He smiles.

Nathan gets back up and out the bedroom. Aaron closes the door shut behind him and Robert leans against the back of the wardrobe breathing out a sigh of relief.

“We don’t have to go out you know.” Sonny pipes up for the first time all night and Aaron promptly wants him to be quiet again.

“Of course you do.” Aaron’s saying. He’s thinking of Robert Sugden half naked in his wardrobe and suddenly everything is way too real for words to explain.

“How comes?” Nathan presses off from the wall and Aaron breathes in tightly.

“Huh?”

“How comes you want us to leave?” Sonny looks around the room all suspiciously and Aaron’s hands grow clammy. He scowls at Nathan’s brother and then scoffs.

“Because I know Nathan wanted to have a catch up with you. Why else?”

Nathan turns towards him. “You don’t look so good.” He has a hand on his forehand and everything. “You’re hot.”

Aaron gulps, nods his head. “It’s nothing.” He says. “Look. Have you — you tried the glove compartment in your car?”

Nathan’s face falls and then suddenly he’s kissing Aaron square on the mouth for the briefest of seconds. “I’m an idiot.” He says before he’s walking towards the door. Sonny’s still standing there with this _look_ on his face.

Aaron knows, very suddenly, that if anything were to come out about him and Robert, it’d be somehow down to him. Sonny’s weird half trust in him has always been something he didn’t care about but now he’s watchful of it in this mad way.

“Don’t be daft.”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “No. He’s an idiot.” He says. “Right. Let’s go. Or not. Could stay here instead.”

Aaron’s jaw locks. “Yeah you could, but me and Nathan would just sit here making you feel sick with all our touching.”

Sonny pulls a face. “Didn’t know you did PDA.”

“I don’t.” Aaron shrugs, pulls a face back. “It’s called a joke.”

Sonny looks smug as he shrugs. “Or overcompensating.”

Aaron’s eye twitches and Nathan intervenes by telling them both to stop with the jibing. He tells Aaron he’ll be back later and Aaron watches as they leave. He stares at the door for almost a whole minute before Robert is coming out of the bedroom.

“Thought they’d never leave.”

Aaron turns slowly. He’s still in shock. “This ain’t funny.”

“Who said it was?” Robert asks. “I’ve just been stuck in a wardrobe for the last ten minutes.” It’s made him think of being a teenager again, Katie and Andy and _hiding_ away. The thrill of nearly getting caught isn’t even remotely present anymore.

Aaron runs a hand over his face. “Poor you.” He runs a hand over his beard and scraps slowly before staring out the window and watching Nathan’s car disappear.

“Poor him? Is that what you’re getting at.”

Aaron stares at Robert. In his home. In his _space_. It freaks him out, but he tries to _not_ lose it with him _again_. Instead, he just stares and shakes his head and feels this guilt almost everywhere.

Robert doesn’t expect an answer. He doesn’t get one. “I should ...”

And he doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t. He wants to stay and pretend like none of _that_ ever happened. Only it did. Only it’s this massive reality check that’s just smacked him over the head.

“Go.” Aaron says for him.

—

Aaron’s in bed when the door closes again. It’s three hours since Nathan left, and he’s not managed to go to sleep yet. He’s been staring at the empty space across the bed where Robert was laying.

Nathan potters about for ten minutes before Aaron feels the bed dip and he closes his eyes shut. Nathan slides in beside him and has a hand across Aaron’s face as he tries to coax him awake.

Aaron pretends like he’s just woken up, squints and then smiles at Nathan. “You’re back.”

“Yeah.” Nathan moves the grey covers over him, doesn’t suspect anything before coming closer to Aaron. “We actually had a laugh.”

Aaron frowns. “Sonny laughing?”

“Don’t be mean.”

“I’m not.” Aaron says. “Just can’t imagine him having fun.”

Sonny shrugs. “Maybe it’s because he’s seeing someone. Some guy.”

Aaron’s eyes are wide. “A _guy_?”

Sonny nods.

“Didn’t realise he was ...”

Sonny snorts. “No. Therapist. You idiot.” Aaron blushes. “Although he ain’t doing bad on that front either. He mentioned a girl, Sophie I think.”

Aaron breathes in. “They’re seeing each other?”

“Sort of.” Nathan sighs. “He seems happy enough.”

Aaron nods his head and then feels Nathan leaning closer towards him. Then he’s kissing him, pulling him further into the bed and Aaron’s kissing him back. He feels Nathan’s hands over his waist and then pulls back.

“Can we — not.” Aaron says. “I’m shattered. Sorry.” He blinks out quickly and Nathan’s moving away almost instantly. He’s apologising. “Don’t be daft.” He says.

Aaron lays back in bed, thinks of what Robert would think of Nathan touching him. It plays on his mind over and over again. It makes him feel bad.

He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

—

Robert’s surprised by Aaron following him out for lunch the next day. He looks at him funny and half expects Aaron to start telling him last night was his fault, but he doesn’t.

“So.” Aaron scratches his eyebrow and extend his hand out; he opens up his palm and Robert looks down at the small button. “Found this near the coffee table.”

Robert gulps hard and takes it slowly. “I didn’t even notice.”

“Must have been when I ripped your clothes off.”

“Literally.” Robert says. He looks up and Aaron’s got a warm smile on his face that he didn’t expect to see.

Aaron plays with his hands awkwardly and then passes the button. Robert looks down at it and then feels Aaron shift slightly. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re _sorry_?” Robert’s eyes widen. He looks down. “Thought you’d be ... keeping your distance, saying this was over.”

Aaron looks stunned when Robert looks up again. “Do you want it to be?”

“No.” Robert says quickly before sighing. “But last night, when you thought I was under the bed and ...”

Aaron shakes his head seriously. “You can’t ever come over like that again.” He says. “I know I invited you but ...”

“You were thinking with your dick?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and Robert gets the feeling that it’s easier for Aaron to go with that than whatever he was actually thinking in his head.

“Yeah.” Aaron breathes out. “It’s too dangerous.” He says.

“I get it.”

Aaron arches an eyebrow and then starts walking besides Robert. They get to the small bench they’ve sat on before and sit in silence for a second. Aaron leans over and has his hands on his knees.

“How’d you know to hide in the wardrobe?”

Robert shrugs. “Hunch.”

“Hid in many before?”

Robert twitches and gets whacked over the head with a memory. He doesn’t reply and Aaron doesn’t look like he even expects him to.

“Looks like we’re on the same page then.” Robert says. He looks out onto the grass and then tilts his head towards Aaron. He wants to kiss him, nearly does when he looks towards their office building and sees Finn walking out on the phone.

Aaron looks too and then pulls away before reaching over and squeezing Robert’s knee. He makes Robert bulk slightly as his hands skirt closer and closer and then Aaron’s standing.

“Good meeting.” Aaron says, hands in his pockets as he walks away.

Robert watches him go, lets out this soft sigh and shakes his head as Aaron disappears into the office again.


	17. A fancier hotel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron books a fancier hotel. Robert starts to unravel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to all those still leaving comments. Hopefully you’re still enjoying this!

Robert’s on edge and he doesn’t want to think about it. He’s holding his phone in one hand and pouring coffee from the other.

It’s his stupid mind that thinks about how Aaron likes his coffee. He shakes his head against the thought and then feels Aaron’s hand against his waist.

Robert jumps up and turns. His instant reaction is to smile but he doesn’t, he just nods a little and then looks down.

“Nice to see you too.”

Robert shrugs. “We’re at work.” He says. He steps out from Aaron’s hold on him and sighs. “And I’m — I’m busy anyway.”

Aaron pulls this face. “Too busy to listen to what I’ve got to say.”

Robert bristles. He looks around and then back to Aaron again. He feels weak. He almost instantly tries to stop it. “Yeah.” He goes to move when Aaron has a hand on Robert’s chest.

Robert looks down and then up into Aaron’s eyes.

“Don’t be like that.” Aaron says. “Is something wrong?”

Robert breathes in. He thinks of how Aaron’s making him act and then he thinks of how he’s made other people act too in the past. He thinks of that stupidity he’s pushed on them. He thinks of it until he’s just left angry at himself.

There’s this ticking in his head that he can’t quite stop it. Aaron steps forward and then tilts back on his feet.

“Nothing’s wrong.”

Aaron nods. “Besides your face.”

Robert motions to leave again and Aaron grabs his arm back before realising that they’re at work. He clears his throat and then scratches his eyebrow.

“I booked somewhere.”

Robert looks up. “What?”

“Was that not in English?”

Robert rolls his eyes. “I heard you.” He looks down. “What’s it in aid of?”

Aaron shrugs. “Seeing you not looking at me like I’ve just decked ya.” He says. He’s almost frowning. Robert thinks about it. Aaron thinks he’s going off him. It almost makes him laugh.

“For me and you?”

Aaron scowls. “No. Me and Finn.” He says. “Yes, me and you.”

Sometimes Robert wonders if Aaron forgets Nathan exists when he’s with him. The thought takes over and it’s difficult to ignore once it’s running around taking over his mind.

“I’ve booked a _hotel_.” Aaron’s whispering now and it’s back to being a secret just like that. Robert gulps hard and Aaron rolls his eyes when Robert’s face stays unchanged. “Fancy. Just me and you.”

Robert blinks. “Nice of you to clarify.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Not got anything else to say?”

“Should I say thanks?” Robert says, there’s not a lot of heat in his words but Aaron knows to tread carefully so he does. He leans in and then out again, bobbing between Robert’s personal space just to get right under his skin.

It leaves this air between them, it’s thick with something.

“I’m sort of planning on you not being able to say anything after we’re done.” Aaron leans up towards his tip toes. “But yeah, a thanks would be nice.” He bites at his lip and then Robert’s looking away from the strong gaze they kept on each other.

“When?”

Aaron smiles. “Tomorrow afternoon.” He says. “Me and you and no distractions. It’s better than the last one.”

“Pushed the boat out then.”

“What boat?”

Sometimes Aaron makes Robert smile like no one else can. It’s maddening. He tries to hold his expression and only falters for a second or two.

Aaron steps forward and then leans away when someone passes them. “It’s to just ...”

“Say sorry you have a boyfriend?”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Don’t make this difficult.” He almost snaps, almost wants to shove Robert and tell him to piss off but he doesn’t. He doesn’t because he can’t, and the thought makes him even angrier. “I’m trying here.” He says, like he’s a kid who’s getting shit for his school project.

Robert softens a little. “Text me then yeah?” He says and then he’s being reckless, his hand brushes against Aaron’s and then squeezes tightly like they’re in some Victorian drama or something.

Aaron’s blushes red and he squeezes back Robert’s hand before he watches Robert walk out the building. It’s this rush. It swoops through his chest and leaves him feeling almost breathless.

—

**To R:** I’ve got a meeting so I’ll meet you there (13:04)

  
**From R:** Any requests on what I should be wearing? (13:08)

**To R:** This ain’t a porno mate (13:08)

**From R:** So as long as it’s a tie yeah? (13:09)

**To R:** Yes as long as it’s a tie (13:11)

—

Robert’s hair is still wet from the shower as he smooths a yellow tie down his front and smiles to himself in the mirror. It’s faint, hardly there, and he wants to tell himself to quit acting like he’s a teenager over this. It takes a second for him to think back to Andy and Katie and him and then he’s swiftly telling himself to lower his expectations, quieten down his feelings.

It all bubbles under the surface until there’s a knock on his door and Vic stands on the other side of it. She looks instantly worried and Robert’s not sure why he always seems to have that effect on her and his mum.

“This is a surprise.”

Vic comes in slowly and squeezes his side as they hug. She leans in and then almost bounces back in horror. “Bloody hell you _stink_.”

Robert’s eyes widen and he so wants to tell her to do one. “I’ve just had a shower.” He shakes his hair at her like a wet dog, makes a point of it all and she calls him an idiot.

“And then doused yourself in cologne I see.” Vic smiles, she has this look on her face that tells him she won’t be disappearing any time soon. “Special occasion?”

Robert blinks quickly. “If that’s what you call work then fine.” He looks away. “Speaking of which ... don’t you have any of that to get to?”

Vic shrugs. “I just wanted to show you the flyers that came through for the van.”

She waves them in his face, and he takes one, feels so proud of her that he might burst. The feeling goes again when she arches an eyebrow. “You’re distracted though aren’t you?”

She knows him, and he knows her, and he tries to pretend like she isn’t doing a weird scanning of him as she stands there in front of him.

“I’m not distracted at all.”

“You’re such a liar.” Vic almost teases. “It’s someone right? You’ve not got all that hair wax on just to sit at a computer.”

“Fine.” Robert snaps. He gives in and it feels good and bad at the exact same time. The wide-eyed look his sister gives him makes him instantly regret even thinking he could just give her a one word answer. “It’s someone you don’t know so you can just drop it.”

“You’re sacking off work for them?”

The romance of it all, he thinks. The thought dies as soon as he remembers who the hell he is and what he’s part of. An affair. A seedy take what you can get and no feelings affair.

Robert looks in the mirror, adjusts his tie and then he’s sighing. “No. I’m ... I’m not.”

“So she’s from work?” Vic smiles and Robert freezes around it for a second. He almost wills her to carry on, to acknowledge that it could be a man. “Or he?” His shoulders flatten. “It’s so a _he_.”

“OK Sherlock. I’ve got to get going so I’ll ...” Robert turns his sister until she’s practically out the door. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Like Mr. Work will see you soon yeah?” Vic offers this smile, almost sticks her tongue out at him like she’s five. He tells her to stop being stupid and then she’s winking at him. “You have to tell me sooner or later.”

Vic steps in again, pops a bound of leaflets on the table and then smiles as she leaves again. She’ll be back to collect them later and he knows it.

Robert stands there thinking about the fact that she knows for what feels like ages. He wonders if she’ll be annoying enough to tell his mum, he wonders if they’ll want Aaron coming around for Sunday brunch.

He wonders if they’ll have the audacity to ask if they’re boyfriends. He’d probably die on the spot from the shock of it and what it all means. He’s heard people refer to their _lovers_ as boyfriends before, but they usually have a poor wife or husband in the picture.

Robert feels so _less than_ that it _hurts_ for a second, and then he’s pulling himself together and looking forward, daring to feel excited again.

—

Robert’s not sure who Aaron thinks he is when he gets to the hotel. It’s fancier than he imagined it to be, there’s unnecessary furniture and this massive mirror on the ceiling which Robert thinks is what made Aaron pick the place out. He’s almost overwhelmed by the effort, and then he’s kicked back to reality almost seconds later.

He manages to ground himself in it, manages to compartmentalise everything and order some champagne for them both like he can really afford it. For a second he thinks of Lawrence’s daughter, he thinks of how he’s probably her very own tap pouring hot and cold. She’d probably be able to have a chain of these hotels.

She text him the other day about getting drinks again soon and he’d been too awkward to reply with anything convincing enough. He felt bad, guilty even and he thinks about Lawrence finding out about it and finding some sort of way to punish him.

Robert thinks about being fired, then thinks about if Aaron would even care to keep up whatever this is. He thinks of things fizzling out between them completely until he can’t stand it anymore.

Robert sits on the edge of the bed looking out onto the grounds of the place and spots a couple walking hand in hand. He stares until he hears a small knock on the door and Aaron’s standing there as he opens it.

“Didn’t they give you the key? Mr Johnny Versace.” Robert’s not sure if Aaron was being ironic or ignorant but as soon as he shrugs his shoulders and leans in to kiss him, everything else that matters seems to slip away.

Aaron’s still kissing him as the door closes shut, he has a hand flat against Robert’s tie as he moans and moves them towards the bed.

“Have you got a tie kink or something?” Robert says and he manages to balance himself before Aaron’s pushing him onto the bed and straddling his waist.

“First thing I noticed about you ‘s’all.” Aaron whispers, he practically bites at Robert’s ear as he tries to get more of him and then Robert’s leaning up and staring into his eyes. “What?”

“Soft.” Robert whispers, eyes flickering as he looks up.

“You can do something about that now if you want.” Aaron’s eyes are dark, filled with this passion that makes everything else harder to concentrate on. He smiles. It makes Robert’s heart stop and he’s back to wanting to kiss him instead of talk.

Aaron’s rolling around over him, he tries to get to Robert’s belt and then he stops like he knows that Robert’s got a thousand thoughts running around in his head over and over again. He frowns at Robert, asks what’s wrong with just a look.

“Nothing.” Robert says. “I’m just thinking about ... nothing.”

“You’re overthinking.” Aaron says, “You’re being weird.”

Robert breathes in a little and then looks around the place, up towards the ceiling again. “Nice touch.”

Aaron pulls this face. “You’re so arrogant.”

“Me? You booked us a room with a mirror on the ceiling.” Robert shakes his head.

Aaron rolls his eyes. “I just picked anyone.” He shrugs and Robert’s heart slows a little.

“Oh. Pulled out all the stops then.” Robert’s half teasing. He thinks of the fact they’ve worked their way up in their whatever this is to get where they are. There’s wallpaper on the wall that’s probably worth a month’s wage and Robert’s champagne bottle is sitting nicely against the bedside table.

Aaron’s eyes look over and he sits up off of Robert as he sees the bottle. He’s instantly red, running a hand over his hair like he didn’t expect it.

“Since you paid for this place.” Robert says slowly and he gets the bottle open like a pro just so Aaron can stare at him like he wants his clothes off. “Thought we’d blow both our wages at once.” He says.

Robert watches Aaron rolls his eyes again, bite his stupid lip and blush. It’s the rule of three, Robert’s decided. He stares at him, and then watches Aaron pulls this face at the champagne.

“You’re the cheapest date.”

Aaron gulps hard and Robert wonders if he’s said the room thing. He tries to pretend like he hasn’t, he just keeps sipping on the champagne until his head is all fuzzy and Aaron’s kissing him again.

“I want you.” Aaron whispers against Robert’s lips and seconds later he’s holding Robert’s tie in his hand. “It’s actually not even that nice.”

“It’s a tie.” Robert says. He’s flat on his back and Aaron’s over him, hands travelling and making Robert feel like he can’t breathe right. “Are you actually going to do something?”

Aaron lets out this little laugh, he has this smile on his face too and Robert arches his eyebrow at the sound of it all. It sends this feeling straight through him.

“The champagne’s gone to my head a little.”

“You had _one_ glass.” Robert laughs and Aaron leans down, kisses him and then rests his forehead against Robert’s. “I really want you too you know. For the record.”

“I don’t keep a record.” Aaron says, like an idiot. Robert stares up at him and doesn’t know if he’s ever seen him look so happy, so care free before now. He’s usually tormented. It’s like it’s buried inside him someone so deep that he can’t even hide it like Robert does. “Why’d you keep looking at me like that?”

Aaron’s forehead is still against Robert’s and he looks down slightly, pulls away to get an answer out of the man he’s on top of. Robert gives him this small shrug and then he’s gulping hard and struggling to even get his words out right.

“Just been waiting for this for a while.” Robert says, it sounds stupid, sounds like he’s saying something bigger than any of this.

It’s not about a bed or a hotel room anymore. He knows. He _knows_.

Aaron nods gently. “So have I.” He starts taking off his own shirt and Robert has his hands firm against Aaron’s thighs. “You’ve got no idea.”

Robert smiles into another kiss and then he’s spinning Aaron with his arms so that he’s on top of him. He arches an eyebrow and then bites his lip.

“Better show me just how much then.” Robert’s saying it with all this confidence, chest puffed out and body almost on fire against how badly he wants Aaron to be everywhere around him. He’s feeling Aaron’s mouth greedily against his chest, hands running up and down and telling him how badly he wants him. Robert closes his eyes against all of it, sinking right into the feeling of Aaron being so vocal about whatever this is they have going on.

Aaron lets out this little moan and Robert tips his head up towards the ceiling before he stares slowly out towards the window. The curtains are still wide open, they’re this dark purple colour, velvety smooth. He’d stopped and touched them like a child before Aaron had turned up. He hadn’t closed them, they’re _still_ wide open.

It’s exactly how he sees Nathan locking his car and looking up towards the hotel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun …


	18. A burst bubble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is cornered by Nathan. Robert is forced to face his feelings for Aaron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks soooo much to those still leaving kudos and comments. It means the world. Sorry for the cliffhanger I left, but hope this chapter makes up for it!

Aaron’s hand is on Robert’s face within seconds. He’s bringing his attention back towards him and panting hard against exactly what they’re getting up to. Robert just sort of stares blankly at him and then Aaron’s bucking his hips, leaning up to kiss Robert.

Robert leans down, kisses gently against Aaron’s lips and then pulls back to see that Nathan’s not there anymore. He’s inside the hotel and Robert doesn’t even know why. He can’t bring himself to think about the fact that he’s found out, the thought swirls and swirls until he’s suddenly at peace with it.

“Robert?” Aaron says, he moves a hand up from Robert’s waist towards his chest and then he’s frowning. “Robert, come on.” He whispers, he’s desperate and Robert’s just frozen.

“I ...” Robert gets up off of Aaron and swings himself over the bed so that he’s staring at the patterned carpet. Swirls of blue and green and then blue again.

Blue and green and blue.

“What time have we got this room until?” Robert’s asking. He tries to control his voice as best as he can, finds it disappearing into the champagne glass.

Two. There’s two.

There’s also his yellow tie that Aaron’s tossed against one of the pillows. He thinks of burying it amongst the covers. The thought is insane but it’s _there_.

Aaron’s arms are around Robert’s neck and he’s sighing against his shoulders, kissing at Robert’s ear and down towards his neck. “Well it’s booked for the night. But obviously ... as long as I can get away with. Why?”

Robert’s eyes flicker. It’s ages away.

_We could have had ages in here._

“No reason.” Robert says, he turns when Aaron has a hand against his face. “I just ... you wanted us to come here didn’t you?”

Aaron nods. “Well duh.” He says. He looks Robert up and down. “I wanted you horizontal.” He whispers. “In a proper bed.”

Robert breathes in. “You loved mine.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “What just cause I said ‘yes’ in it a lot of times?” He looks like there’s this spark in him, like he’s focusing all his attention on just this. “Don’t flatter yourself.” He whispers.

“Don’t need to whilst you’re around.”

Robert’s not even sure what he’s attempting to do here. The next minute he knows, Aaron’s kissing him again until they’re both panting against each other and he has to tell himself to calm down. He pushes at Aaron’s chest, tells them to hang on.

“Hang on?” Aaron says. “Are you feeling alright?”

It speaks volumes about them, it makes all of this harder.

“Yeah I’m — I’m just thinking that coming here was a good idea.” Robert nods his head almost adamantly. “You seem happy.”

“I’m trying to get into your pants Robert. Can we leave the heavy talk until after.” Aaron says. Then he stops and gulps hard. “You’re right. I am happy.” He says. 

He’s happy and then he’s not. His phone is going off and Robert looks down at it on the bed. He sees Nathan’s name and Aaron swears.

“It’s — Nathan’s ringing me.”

“Where does he think you are?”

Aaron ignores him, he’s just staring down at the phone until it stops ringing and then he’s texting something out. Robert wants to ask what his reply is but instead he just sits on the bed knowing that there’s going to be a massive car crash happening soon.

He imagines Nathan flying through the door. He imagines Aaron not being able to deny anything anymore. He imagines ripped shirts and marks where they shouldn’t be and bare feet against wooden flooring as Aaron chases Nathan and says he’s sorry. The sorry couldn’t amount to anything more. Aaron would have to leave him. He’d have to choose.

“Let’s not talk about him.” Aaron almost shakes himself as he looks up at Robert and smiles. “He probably just wants to know why I’m ... why I’m not at work.”

Robert’s eyes widen. “You didn’t even give him an _excuse_?”

Aaron scowls. “I’m not an expert at this.”

Robert feels himself boiling over. “Not this again.” He rolls his eyes. “Does he think you’ve just popped out for a pint of milk or –”

Aaron gets off the bed and moves towards the window, he tugs at the curtains to close them shut. “I just want to …” He doesn’t finish his sentence. Robert suddenly wished he closed the curtains himself. He holds in his breath as Aaron stops moving and stares down with a hand on the glass. “That’s — he’s here.” He turns sharply towards Robert like he expects something from him.

Robert pretends like he doesn’t understand. “Who is?”

Aaron’s mouth open and closes like he’s a fish. “Nathan.” He whispers. He has a hand over his mouth, and it stays there.

“How do you ...”

“His car. It’s right in front of ...” Aaron’s half dressed. His trousers are unzipped, and his lips are red from kissing Robert and yet he tries to stand taller and snap himself into something. “It’s his. I was right last time wasn’t I?”

Robert gulps hard and stays silent. Aaron backs away from the window like he can’t bear to see it anymore.

“Last time. The other _day_. We — it should have been a warning.”

“What?”

Aaron’s almost in a world of his own and Robert is almost too far away to get to him. “We nearly got caught and then I — I book another hotel like an idiot.”

“Aaron, calm down.” Robert’s already saying it. He’s already coming off of the bed and towards him. “Just _think_ for a second ab...”

Aaron’s pacing, losing the plot. He keeps shaking his head and staring out at the car. “About what? It’s his. That’s _Nathan’s_ car.” He stops. “He _saw_ mine. He must have seen my car.”

Robert just stands uselessly, his arms won’t move, neither will his legs. He just looks at him, tries to stop from thoughts blurting out and making things worse.

“It doesn’t mean he knows you’re here.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Are you insane? He’s already rang me; he’s probably waiting downstairs wondering why I haven’t even used my name for the place.” He runs a hand over his face and Robert just stares at him.

Robert’s feet start to work again, he comes towards Aaron and places a hand on his chest that’s swiftly pushed away.

“Aaron.” Robert says. “Don’t be like this.”

“You need to _go_.” Aaron’s saying and Robert’s face falls.

“What?”

Aaron’s getting the champagne glass from the table, shoving it in the wardrobe and then picking up Robert’s coat from the bottom of the bed. “Was that not in English?” His voice is tough, panicked. It makes Robert lean back, stagger slightly.

“Robert you need to _go_.”

“Go where? He’s going to see me walking out. He knows me.”

“Go a different way then.” Aaron waves a hand out. “Hide somewhere for a bit.” Robert scoffs and Aaron’s heart keeps on pounding in his chest. “What’s so _funny_?”

“ _This_.” Robert says. “What are you even going to say to him?”

Aaron’s face is bright red and he’s shaking his head still. “That’s my problem.” He says. Then he stops and his eyes are heavy with this anger again. “How does he know that I’m here?”

“I haven’t said a word.” Robert frowns. “I wouldn’t. Aaron, of course I ...”

Aaron waves a hand out again. “Sonny. _Sonny_.”

“Why would he ...”

“The other night. He was all suspicious. He ... he’s probably with him.” Aaron shakes his head.

“Well then you ...”

Aaron looks away. “I don’t need this; I don’t need you standing here like this. Get your things and leave before he sees you.”

_Before he sees you, us, here. My skin flush and your belt loose and champagne fizzing in a bottle._

Aaron’s phone goes off, Robert stays unmoved and then he’s seeing that it’s Nathan again. Aaron breathes in, and then he breathes out again and answers.

“Hey.” Aaron says, his voice is warm and soft and Robert’s a fool. “You beat me to it.”

Nathan sounds pissed off, confused, angry even. It makes Robert’s heart jump. “To what?” He says.

Aaron gulps. “I’ve ...”

“Not got anything to tell me have you? You’re at work aren’t you Aaron?” Nathan sounds like he’s almost crying. Aaron’s almost blown away by it and he wants to _stop_ everything.

Aaron stills and looks right at Robert who’s finally moving towards the bed and pushing his shoes back on. He’s doing his shoe laces up, Aaron watches, feels like his heart is in his mouth.

“You weren’t supposed to know.”

Robert’s head spins at that, it’s like he can’t help it. He’s not even sure why he’s looking, staring, waiting but he is. Aaron stares at him. He’s staring back.

“Know what?” Nathan’s saying. It’s like he’s hissing at him, angry and mean and so unlike him that Aaron’s thrown. “Know what Aaron?”

“It’s a surprise.” Aaron says, he lets out this little laugh and he turns himself away from Robert. He looks out of the window and smiles, there’s tears in his eyes and he doesn’t even know why or how they got there.

Robert’s stomach twists. He watches Aaron from the window, the way there’s relief washing over his face just at the thought of Nathan believing him.

He looks down at the tie on the bed and picks it up slowly, holds it in his hand and then gets towards the door without saying another word. Aaron’s nodding his head, speaking quietly and then he’s even laughing. It’s empty. It’s not like it was less than an hour again.

Robert stares at the tie and then Aaron and then leaves quietly.

Aaron bites his lip, nods. “Yeah. Room 112. Under Versace.”

Nathan frowns. “Versace?”

Aaron blushes. “Thought you’d find it funny. You coming up?”

Nathan says he is, he says he won’t be a second and Aaron hangs the phone up before turning and looking at an empty room. He breathes in slowly, runs a hand over his face and then hears the sound of a car pulling out.

He watches Robert disappear as there’s a knock on his door.

—

Aaron watches as Nathan looks around the room and then back at his boyfriend like he doesn’t even know who he is. Whatever he’s tried hasn’t worked, Nathan’s still stood there with anger all over his face.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he gulps hard against absolutely everything that he’s desperately trying to keep pushed inside. “It’s a hotel Nath.” He says. “Isn’t it obvious?” He comes closer and Nathan steps back.

“No. It’s not _obvious_.” Nathan looks at him like he’s mental. “You never mentioned anything.”

“That’s what a surprise is.” Aaron says, there’s this small smile on his face and he feels like his heart is pounding in his face.

“Yeah it definitely is.”

Aaron closes his eyes, acts as confused as he can. “You’re angry?”

Nathan frowns. “No. I’m _confused_. You’ve got headaches and we’re no way _near_ having sex and then you’re booking us a hotel in the middle of the day.”

Aaron suddenly thinks of Robert telling him that Nathan won’t listen to any of his made up lies and he’s suddenly believing him. His palms are a sweaty mess over it all.

Aaron nods. “I’m trying to make up for all of that.”

Nathan’s eyes are sad and heavy. “What? You treating me like a best mate instead of your boyfriend.”

Aaron feels like he’s being whacked over the head with this truth and it’s not real. It’s not what he’s thinking. It’s _not_. He wants Nathan so much, he always has. There’s no need to complicate that.

“Where’s that even come from?”

Nathan’s chin wobbles and gets towards the window. “I’m not an _idiot_.” His shoulders go all tight and he breathes in. “So don’t treat me like one.”

“I’m not.” Aaron panics. “I’m — you’re my boyfriend and I love you.”

Nathan turns slowly. “Yeah. I think you do. Love me.” He says, all the anger has been sucked out of him. It’s evaporated into thin air. Instead there’s this hollowness to his frame, the way he’s hunched over and looking at the carpet. “What else though?”

Aaron frowns. Nathan looks up.

“What else is there here?” Nathan says. He looks around, his green jacket bunches at his shoulders as he shrugs. “Do you want me?”

Aaron comes towards Nathan. “Of course I do.” He looks around. “What do you think all of this is?”

Nathan backs away and his face is so serious suddenly. “You with someone else.”

He says it, for the first time in almost three years since they agreed to give things a chance, he actually says it. The word drops out and Aaron’s been here so many times in his mind. He’s had Nathan in front of him asking if he’s cheating on him, if he’s slept with another man.

For a second Aaron thinks about telling him. He thinks about admitting everything, pushing it all off his chest and watching Nathan’s world collapse. His mum wouldn’t understand, she’d suddenly be a hypocrite. It could be all around work, it could spread like wildfire.

Aaron takes a step back and Nathan gives him this look like he’s waiting for an answer. Aaron looks up, shakes his head and then closes his eyes again.

“That’s what you think?”

Nathan sighs. “You think I _want_ to think that? It didn’t enter my head. You’re the most loyal bloke I know.” Aaron cringes. “And then Leyla rang me to ask if you’d be coming in after your appointment? I had to pretend like I knew. Then Sonny was ...”

Aaron looks up. “Sonny? He was starting trouble then.”

“Don’t blame him.”

“Well how else did you get here before I told you about it?”

Nathan frowns. “I had it out of my mind until I saw this place. Sonny banging on about you probably with someone else, it meant nothing until I saw your car.” Aaron gulps hard. “Here. In a _hotel_. What am I meant to think?”

“That I love you.” Aaron breathes in. He can’t bring himself to turn this back around on Nathan. The thought of making Nathan feel guilty over this makes him feel sick.

“I love you so much Nathan.” Aaron blurts it out, has a hand gentle against Nathan’s chest. “You know how much you mean to me.” Nathan looks away.

“Hasn’t felt like that recently.”

Aaron frowns. He leans back.

“So yeah Sonny said you could be ... I never guessed here. We’ve never even stayed here. It’s so posh.” Nathan looks around. “I went to the ones I knew in the area, didn’t see your car, felt like an idiot. Then I saw this place ... saw your car.”

Aaron breathes in.

“I acted like a _nut_ ‘cause Sonny was telling me one thing and you weren’t telling me any different.”

Aaron thinks suddenly of Nathan saying he needs space, or he wants to break up and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He tries to say something but Nathan’s leaning against the curtains and closing his eyes.

“I feel like you’re pushing me away half the time. Do you know that? How it feels to be distant from someone you’ve worked so hard to be with?”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he sees a yellow fucking tie as he closes his eyes. He shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

Nathan sobers again. “Why?”

Aaron bites his lip. “Because I take you for granted. I don’t mean to.”

Nathan gulps hard and then looks down at his phone. Aaron looks at Sonny’s number, he’s asking if he’s found Aaron yet. Nathan goes to answer but it’s like his fingers won’t work. He puts the phone right back into his jacket pocket and then sighs. “Aaron ...”

“Don’t say my name like that.” Aaron rushes out. He thinks he knows what’s coming and it can’t. “Please. At least ...”

“At least what Aaron? I trust you, I do, but I had a massive doubt and it’s scared me.” Nathan’s such a good man, the thought burns so bright in his mind that he almost sees stars. He has to focus though. He tries so desperately to.

“Yeah I’ve been quite, off, I know that. I get like that and it’s rubbish.” Aaron whispers. “But this ...”

“What?”

“It’s for you.” Aaron says. He brings a hand up towards Nathan’s neck, lies. “This is for you. All of this. It’s for us.” He looks around the room and then back at Nathan. He’s beautiful, he’s really beautiful and he’s his. “I’m with you, always. You know that.” Aaron breathes in. “Or you should.”

Nathan’s eyes flicker and they stare at each for a second. He thinks of Nathan secure in the knowledge that Aaron wouldn’t ever hurt him in such a way. It makes him ache. “Was this you proving that?” He comes closer finally. “Fancy hotel when we’re saving for a flat.”

Aaron sighs, his shoulders flatten out through relief. “I never said I was smart about it.”

Nathan looks away and Aaron brings him closer to kiss him. Nathan’s shoulders are still tight, and they loosen under the weight of how they’re moving together.

“Next time tell me about it beforehand. So I don’t have to drive past your car and have a heart attack.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Promise.” He says and then Nathan’s looking out the window again. He makes this small sound. “What?”

“Nothing. Just this really cool car was out there. It sort of made me feel something other than worry over you. Gone now.”

Aaron has a hand against Nathan’s waist and peers out. “Oh. Shame. What was it ...”

“Porsche.”

Aaron feels this ringing in his ears.

“944.” Nathan shakes his head with excitement. “You know, turbo. It looked like something out of ‘Back To The Future.”

Aaron laughs unsteadily. “Did it?”

Nathan nods and then scoffs. “Well no that’s a DeLorean.” He almost laughs. “But the colour just reminded me of ... anyway. Haven’t seen one of them in person.”

Aaron gulps. “Right.” He says. Nathan stares round at him. “I’m sorry.” He’s sorry for a lot of things. He’s sorry that Nathan’s a catch, that he plays football on the weekends with his mates and thinks he’s great a karaoke when he’s drunk. He’s sorry that he met him at the worst time of his life, that he somehow managed to fall in love with a messed-up idiot. He’s sorry.

“You’re an idiot.” Nathan says, like he’s just decided it. He shakes his head. “But you’re my idiot. Always have been.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Always.” He says.

Later, Aaron watches Nathan sleep and looks at the champagne bottle. Nathan thought it was weird that he only had one glass. He asked what they were celebrating, and Aaron had lied some more about it being their anniversary soon and that Nathan deserved it. He’d pulled it from the back of his mind, it worked.

Aaron brings his knees up towards his chest and feels like he’s going to burst out crying, but he swallows it down. He keeps it all in and focuses on the sound of Nathan breathing in and out. He looks at peace, looks like there’s absolutely nothing wrong at all. He’s already text Sonny that he’s got the wrong end of the stick, that he’s doesn’t have to put ideas in his head. Aaron had watched, he’d watched Nathan all smug and happy after they’d had sex in the bed meant for him and Robert.

Aaron brings a hand over Nathan’s hair; strokes slowly and then runs a hand over the small dragon tattoo he’s got over his shoulder.

It makes him smile. Everything about Nathan makes him smile.

But he gets his phone out. He looks and scrolls and sees the letter R. He types out a text, his thumbs start working before he’s even sure what he wants to say.

It writes itself.

_I’m sorry._

“Hmm.” Nathan moans, turns over on the bed and reaches out to hold onto Aaron. “What you doing?”

Aaron shrugs and then comes back towards Nathan, moves into his arms again and feels a kiss to his head. Aaron smiles against it.

“Nothing. Unless you’re up for another round?” Aaron says, he has a smile on his face and surges forward to kiss Nathan with all he has. He feels himself being pulled, twisted and laid flat out on the bed and his nails scrap against Nathan’s back as he moans.

He didn’t send the text.

He doesn’t _have_ to send a text.

He closes his eyes and fights against the colour yellow.

—

Robert closes the door shut and sets his keys aside before walking into the kitchen and taking out a bottle of beer. He gulps it down, doesn’t even taste it as he sits slowly on the sofa in the darkness of the room.

It’s almost like he’s absorbing it all. It’s like he can’t bring himself to do anything but just sit and sip and feel sorry for himself.

He’s not sure he has the right to. There’s Nathan, probably fucking Aaron into a mattress right about now and yet it’s still him he feels sorry for.

There’s a memory in his head. It’s heavy and sad and still makes him feel useless and stupid for feeling things in his heart that he shouldn’t.

Andy’s by the barn door. Katie’s got her hands through her hair and she’s trying to get her top back on, she’s pushing at him and he thinks it’s all a big joke until he’s out in the rain and hearing Katie kissing his brother instead of him.

He got slapped back down to Earth that day. There was dirt in his shoes and this shiver down his spine and that was that. He’s older now, taller, stronger, wiser and yet still here.

Alone.

Robert settles in it completely by the time there’s a small knock on his door. For a second he thinks it might be Aaron. He wonders if he’s cracked under the pressure of lying through his teeth and Nathan’s told him to do one. The thought gets him towards the door, it gets him frightened too.

“I can see your shoes by the door.” It’s Vic, it’s half eight and the stars are heavy in the sky and his little sister is checking up on him.

Robert takes a step forward and tries to swallow down the embarrassment that he has to call his life and then answers the door to her. She’s smiley. She’s all soft around the edges and happy and then she’s not.

“Was there anything you wanted? Again?” Robert says. He lets the door swing as she comes in and looks at the bottles of beer on the wooden coffee table.

“How many have you had?”

“Not enough.” Robert says. He almost laughs and then he’s going back towards the fridge and taking out another two.

Vic practically snatches them from him. “I thought you were out.”

“So why are you here?”

“I past and saw your car so here I am.” Vic waves a hand out like it hardly matters. “The question is why are you here when you’re meant to be out with Mr Work?”

“I was.” Robert says, he moves past her and leans against the wall of the kitchen. “Now I’m back.”

Vic worries her brow. “Bit early.”

Robert pulls this face. “God do you really want to know all the details of my sex life Vic?”

Vic looks like she wants to vomit. “Gross. No. I just wanted to ...”

“Get the details.” Robert looks down. “Do you want to know the details Vic?” She looks like she’s all worried again. She looks like their mum. “Do you?”

Vic comes forward. “Well yeah. You’re acting weird.”

Robert looks down and then moves towards the sofa. He hears it squeak and he brings a cushion towards his middle, squeezes. “It’s a bloke. Work with him.” Vic smiles out a nod. “He booked us a hotel room, and it was amazing until ...”

Vic’s eyes widen. “What?”

Robert sighs. “It was so nice you know, got champagne and everything.”

“Rob get to the point I’m stressing here.” 

“His boyfriend showed up.”

Vic makes a comedy of his fucking misery by the way her eyes pop out of her head. “Oh.” She looks bright red. “He has a boyfriend. You knew about?”

He waits for her to be angry, but she sort of isn’t. Robert nods slowly and then she runs a hand over his thigh.

“I mean it must have been a bit weird if you’ve not even _arranged_ to have a threes ...”

Robert suddenly wants the Earth to swallow him up, the ground to literally just grab him and pull him down until there’s nothing left. But it doesn’t.

“Oh my …” Robert brings his head into his hands. “No. _No_.”

“Sorry.” Vic runs a hand through her hair, clears her throat. She goes to stand and it’s so clear she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

“Why would you even _suggest_ ...”

“I panicked.” Vic says. “Sorry I — carry on.”

Robert looks down at the floor, closes his eyes. “I was there, I could see him getting out of his car, coming up the steps and into the hotel and I didn’t say anything.”

“Well why not?”

Robert gulps hard against how it feels to say it out loud. “I wanted him to find us.”

Vic blinks. “Like that?”

Robert almost cringes. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted ... him.” He plays with his hands.

Vic blows out a breath. “So he caught you both?”

Robert shakes his head. “He was panicking, like mad. He looked at me like I was _nothing_ and told me I had to leave.”

“Robert ...”

Robert’s eyes are wet suddenly. “And I’ve been here before haven’t I? I let myself get swept up in secret meetings and all of this lying again.”

Vic blinks gently. “This isn’t the same as ... Katie.”

Robert breathes in. “Yeah it’s worse.” He bounces his leg. “It’s even worse because a part of me was doing it to hurt Andy, take something from him after what happened to mum and me. But this — I just couldn’t help myself.”

Vic sighs hard and comes further towards her brother. Robert feels her arm come over his over his shoulder and she squeezes down. He can feel her holding so much back as she sighs again.

“Well you will now.” She sounds so strong, so determined. “He’s bad news.”

Robert suddenly feels defensive, his shoulders tighten, and he shakes his head. “You don’t even know him.” Robert thinks of how rude Aaron can be, how he’s almost never got time for strangers and the way he can never hide how annoyed he is. He’s able to think of all that and then all his kindness, the goodness that just runs all over him.

Vic scoffs. “I know he’s with someone _else_.”

Robert runs a hand through his hair, shakes it and then sighs hard. “Oh really? I didn’t notice myself. Thanks for that Vic.”

Vic shakes her head a little. “I’m just saying, he’s got someone already. He’s been cheating on him with you. I bet it isn’t the first either, blokes are ...” She sighs. “You’re the other _man_. Not a woman. I was about to say woman but ...”

Robert gives her this look.

“And they never just _end_ it. If he had caught you, you’d probably have still been out on your ear.”

“Yeah. I’m aware.”

“So end it.”

Robert looks at her with wide eyes. He feels his throat closing up and then she’s speaking again. She won’t stop.

“End it before things get messy.” Robert closes his eyes shut. “Before things get all ‘Katie’ you should just tell him to do one. You’re worth more than this, you should know that by now.”

Robert closes his eyes, feels her rubbing at his shoulder and then he’s shaking his head. “I can’t Vic.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t just ... _stop_ seeing him.”

Vic moves her hands away from him, looks like she’s ready to punch something. “Because you work with him? You think he’d squeal? He wouldn’t be so stupid to ac...”

“It’s not that.” Robert feels like he’s going to be sick. His head feels like it’s going to fall off.

“Then ...” Vic gulps, he hears it over the sound of his heart thudding. “What’s so _special_ about him?” Robert gives her this look. “You really like him don’t you?” He looks away.

“I didn’t want this.”

Vic frowns. “Want what?”

“To feel like this.”

Vic shudders. “Like what?” She says, as if she just wants him to say it for himself. He looks at her with wide eyes that tell he can’t talk about this. “Don’t you think you’ve kept stuff in for long enough.”

“If I didn’t ... then I’d be able to tell you stuff, but I do so I can’t.” The words just stumble out and he knows they hardly make any sense, but he also knows he’s incapable of saying anything more.

Vic chews her lip. “What does that even ... oh God. You love him?”

Robert doesn’t need to think. He just feels his eyes grow heavy with water; he just feels his heart feel like it’s about to burst out of his chest.

He nods his head gently and tilts it up towards his sister. “Yeah.” He barely gets the words out, it’s just this tiny whisper of a truth he’s been ignoring for so long.

Vic opens her arms, gives him this look like she understands, and it feels like enough to say out loud for now. He closes his eyes shut and feels his heart twist in his chest as she comes closer towards him.


	19. A stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert confronts Aaron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter loves!

Robert wakes up to the sound of pans in the kitchen and this soft humming. Almost instantly he wants it to stop, he opens his eyes and sees that he’s still on the sofa in the clothes he was wearing yesterday. He makes this sound, moans and stretches out and then looks up to see Victoria coming towards him with this smile on her face.

She’s carrying a mug of coffee in his favourite mug and saying that it might be hot when he takes it from her hands. He almost doesn’t want to look at her, it’s like he’s ashamed that she’s so much younger and yet he’s so much more of a mess than she’s ever been.

It’s almost crazy how much time he’s spent thinking about the fact that Andy and her are so normal and then there’s him, sandwiched between them both with all this craziness going on around him.

He’s being dramatic, most days anyways. Today feels like one of those days already, especially when he looks around and sees that the place is cleaner than it was last night.

“What time is it?” Robert asks, running a hand through his hair and watching his sister look at her phone.

“Just gone seven. I’ve been up for a while making you breakfast.” Robert stares at her, almost in shock, then embarrassment. “I stayed last night Rob.”

Robert feels something kick his chest. “Was I that much of a mess then?” He asks, annoyed at himself.

It’s not like his memory has been wiped or anything. He very much remembers holding back tears as his head fell on his little sister’s shoulder and thinking the world was about to end. In the cold light of day, the world most definitely isn’t going to end. It just absolutely sucks, and he can only place the blame at his feet.

“No.” Vic says, she’s so unconvincing with it that Robert almost cringes, tells her to stop trying. “I didn’t want to leave you like that.” She leans forward. “How you feeling now?”

Robert’s stumped by the question really. He tries to work out what he can say back to make out like he’s not still splintered inside but nothing comes out until she’s sitting closer to him. Almost instantly, he gets up.

“I need a shower.”

“You need to talk.” Victoria sounds like Sarah. It’s like they’re morphing into the same person or something and Robert’s back is up about all of it. “Come on Rob.”

“I have to go to work.” Robert tells her, he’s halfway towards the bathroom when she says she’ll be waiting when he’s finished.

He makes sure to take as much time as he can getting ready. He spends an extra ten minutes in the shower just staring at the tiles and then dries himself off for an obnoxiously long amount of time. Robert emerges almost half an hour, hair styled and suit on and Victoria is still sitting there waiting like he knew she’d be.

“I’ve got all day. I’m self-employed.” Victoria smiles, almost pulls a face with it too like she’s teasing and then she stops. “What are you going to do if you see him?”

Robert hasn’t really thought of it. “What can I say?” He shrugs. “I can’t be angry.”

Vic frowns. “So when you both started ... you knew?” She almost sounds angry, and he almost tries to defend himself but what’s the point in arguing against what he knows is the truth. “After Andy and going after Katie when they were together.”

Robert stops at that, not because it hurts but because he knows it’s exactly what Sarah is going to say to him too. It’s going to start with that, move towards the fact that he hasn’t learned a thing and then it’ll end somewhere with him crying on her shoulder. He’s worked it all out in his head.

“I know I’m an idiot. It hasn’t escaped my attention Vic.”

Robert circles the kitchen like a puppy, tries to ignore that she’s still just there waiting to listen to him. Eventually, he sits down opposite her and decides to stop bottling things up.

“How long?”

Robert’s surprised she didn’t ask him last night. He remembers them watching something on the telly after he pulled away from her and she’d stopped saying that she was certain everything would be fine. He sits on the question for a second, thinks it over.

“Couple of months.” Robert shrugs. “Not that long after I started. I saw him, he gave me this tour around the place, and he was rude.” Robert almost smiles. “I just wanted to know him; he had this look about him that just ... made me want to know him. So we had this back and forth thing that I thought was going somewhere and then he had this boyfriend waltz in the office.”

Vic frowns. “Do you know if it’s serious?” She sounds hopeful and he’s not sure if he wants her to hate Aaron or root for them. The latter seems pointless right about now.

“They’re living at his boyfriend’s, looking for a place of their own. Coming up to three years.” Vic pulls this face. “ _Oh_ and he supported him through all this stuff he went through so ...”

“He won’t leave him.”

“Of course not.” Robert scoffs. “I mean why would he? He’s stable and happy and I’m just here for ...” He stops himself. “Well we both know what.”

Vic bites her lip awkwardly. “So even after the boyfriend thing ... you tried it on?”

“No.” Robert snaps. “It was him chasing me.” Vic nods her head slowly. “I do have restraint you know; I would have left well alone if he hadn’t wanted anything, but he did. This isn’t like me and Katie and ... _wrecking_ things.”

“But you wanted that yesterday.” Vic points out. “You wanted to get caught.”

“I wanted _him_ Vic.” Robert slams the table and then closes his eyes. He sounds utterly pathetic. “But where’s that going to be get me?”

Vic doesn’t say anything for a really long time. She sits with him and they hear the traffic from the road start to pile up and they still don’t say anything. He imagines her thinking of ways to make this better for him and he wants to tell her to stop.

“Give him the choice.” Vic says. “You or this boyfriend.”

“I said he wouldn’t leave him. _You_ said it too.”

Vic leans forward. “But if he knows it’s a _choice.”_ She says quickly. “Maybe he’d ...”

Robert almost cringes, the thought makes his head spin because it’s just not realistic. “Vic. He loves him. He doesn’t ...”

“Love you?” Vic’s eyes are widen. “Well how do you even know that if you haven’t asked him.”

“Asked him?” Robert shakes his head at her. “Oh just call him up like ‘hi, yeah you’re probably in bed with your boyfriend right now but I was just wondering if you _love_ me as well? Or instead? Get back to me on it as soon as.’”

Vic rolls her eyes. “I didn’t mean like that.” She snaps, and then she’s speaking quieter, looking into Robert’s eyes. “Surely he cares about you too.”

The surely kicks it completely. Robert gets lost in a little memory jog of all the times it’s seemed like Aaron cares about him. He thinks about that hug they shared, Aaron sticking it to the dick of a client, the way he said he thought he’d fallen for a quitter and what that did to Robert’s heart.

But then he thinks of Aaron leaving him after sex like it’s nothing at all. He sees it over and over again and it leads him to what he’s saying next.

“He cares about himself. Keeping his boyfriend sweet.” Robert gulps thickly. “And I’m meant to know that, because it’s just an affair Vic.” It’s him with the problem, it’s him and his wild and reckless ability to look at something, love it and claim it as his own without thinking of anything or anyone else in the process.

Aaron isn’t his, wasn’t his in the first place.

“Not everyone just _sleeps with someone who isn’t their boyfriend_ Robert.”

Robert rolls his head back. “He’s done it before though. One-night stands. I just happen to work with him so it’s ... I don’t know ... convenient to keep coming back.”

“Well not anymore.” Vic says. “Because he’s not worth it Robert. You deserved better than Katie messing you about and you deserve better than this.” He hasn’t ever heard her say something like that before. It makes this thing swell in his chest and he feels strong against it.

—

Aaron’s having a good morning all things considered. Things seem to hit a wall when Nathan says that Sonny needs a ride somewhere and it means he has to sit in a car with him. Aaron’s already thought about calling in sick, avoiding Robert and the painful car journey with Sonny trying to burn holes in the back of his head.

It gets worse when Nathan leaves them alone in the car whilst he locks up the flat. Aaron’s in the passenger’s seat and the engine running is the only sound in the car. Aaron makes the mistake of looking through the rear mirror and seeing Sonny sitting there with a bright orange hoodie.

“You’re not actually a villain in some movie you know, can’t actually shoot lasers out your eyes and kill me.”

Sonny pulls this face. “Pretty dramatic.”

“So’s convincing your brother I’m cheating on him.”

Sonny shrugs again. “Not that dramatic.” He says. He leans forward in the seat and his seatbelt stretches over. “Who books a hotel under a false name?”

Aaron’s jaw tightens. “I’d focus on your own problems.” He smiles at him.

“So it’s a problem?”

Aaron turns towards him and his shoulders flatten under the knowledge that Nathan and him haven’t been ruined by his dick of a brother. “You wish. For some weird reason. But no, there isn’t a problem at all.”

Sonny pulls this face again and Aaron’s sick of staring at his floppy hair. “Sounds peachy.”

“Yeah. It is.” Aaron smiles again. “Which is why I’m letting this slide.”

Sonny frowns. “Should I be grateful?” He almost laughs. “I know your game.”

Aaron wonders when they entered some sort of American gangster film. He rolls his eyes at Sonny and then looks ahead again.

“Think what you like mate.”

Sonny goes to speak but Nathan is coming into the car again. He looks between both of them. “Everything ...”

Aaron nods. “Your brother was just saying sorry for jumping to conclusions yesterday.”

Sonny rolls his eyes as Nathan looks at him. “Something like that.”

—

Robert comes in half an hour later and expects to get a grilling from someone, but nobody seems to bother asking him where he’s been. He gets through most of the day without causing too much fuss or having to run into Aaron so he’s classing it as a win.

The meeting he has with Lawrence and a few others on the committee board of the business seems to drag for ages and he almost complains before realising that it gets him away from facing the inevitable ruin in with Aaron.

Victoria’s words are still ringing in his ears about it all. He doesn’t understand, can’t understand really, the idea of just completely blaming Aaron for things that he’s willingly agreed to let happen over and over again.

He knew exactly what he was getting himself into.

Yet he stops, eyes wide and feet glued to the floor when he sees Aaron walking straight towards him with this determined look on his face. It’s like Robert instantly feels anger towards him again, he wants to hurt him, wants to ask how exactly Aaron can dare walk around without a care in the world after the night he’s had.

“Hey.” Aaron says the word like there’s no air in his lungs, like he’s struggling to actually breathe right. “Can I ...”

“I’ve just had a meeting. I need some air.”

Robert half expects Aaron to get the hint and leave him to it. He hopes he’s not following him and yet he does. He’s two steps behind him, just trying to keep up with him. Robert’s sitting on the bench in the park and the clouds form like grey marshmallows in the sky.

“Yesterday I ...” Aaron starts speaking and then just stops like he doesn’t know what he actually wants to say. Robert turns towards him, almost challenges him to get his words out. “I’ll make it up to you.”

Robert’s heard that before. He just nods his head, scoffs to make sure Aaron realises that he doesn’t believe a word of it.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron says. He says it like it’s difficult to say, like he’s not used to feeling so sincere about something. “I just panicked.”

Robert gulps hard. “Yeah I was there. I saw. Heard.” He looks into Aaron’s blue eyes. “Felt.” He whispers.

Aaron doesn’t say anything for a second. “Robert, I didn’t want to chuck ..."

“But you did.” _You chose_ , Robert wants to say but he can’t. “What did you even tell him?”

Aaron shrugs tightly. “Our anniversary is soon. So. It worked. He doesn’t suspect anything anymore.”

Robert nods and there’s a part of him, so tiny, that thought maybe Nathan did suspect something and Aaron was forced to admit to it. “I’m very happy for you.” He says, he’s almost joking, it’s almost easy until Aaron’s sighing, rolling his eyes like it’s all some big chore to him.

“Don’t be like that.” Aaron says.

“Like what?” Robert snaps. “Should I be happy that we were minutes away from shagging and then I was pushed out the door like it was nothing.”

Aaron pinches the bridge of his nose and pulls this face like he doesn’t believe what he’s hearing. “Do you think I wanted him to show up? Do you?” He pushes the words out and then frowns.

“I have no idea what you want.” Robert says. It comes out too seriously. It makes Aaron stand back awkwardly, look around and then gulp.

“This don’t need to change anything.” Aaron’s saying, he’s almost adamant about it. He looks so serious with it. “We just have to ... be more careful.”

“We?”

Aaron nods and then sighs. “OK. Me. Me. _I_ have to be more careful.”

“Not book hotels in the middle of the day and expect your boyfriend not to notice.” Robert says dryly, he shakes his head and then goes to stand when Aaron crowds his space again.

“I said I’m _sorry.”_ Aaron shudders. “I didn’t want you to leave. I wanted — _you.”_ Robert can’t hear any of this right now. “So I’m sorry. OK?”

Robert feels Aaron’s hand against his waist and just for a second he thinks about giving in. He doesn’t though, he pulls back.

Aaron’s scowling suddenly. “What else do you want from me?”

Robert stares up at him, eyes flickering against the darkness of the sky and the light from Aaron’s blue eyes. He feels this feeling hit in his stomach out of nowhere and he suddenly shakes his head.

“Nothing.” Robert whispers the word, watches the way Aaron’s expression changes as he realises what Robert’s saying, what he’s meaning. His eyes widen slightly and then he’s twitching.

“What’s that mean?”

Robert blinks, realises that if Aaron wants to make this painful then he will. “It means I deserve better than this.”

Aaron stumbles back. “Than me?”

Robert wants to hit him, shove him against the wall and tell him that he’s an absolute idiot if he thinks that’s true. Only doing exactly that would require having to look at Aaron, tell him the truth about all this mess and then probably end up regretting ever opening his mouth in the first place.

“I deserve better.” Robert repeats, he keeps his head down and eyes fixed on the concrete of the pavement. “Better than to be pushed out of a hotel room after you finally realised your boyfriend’s just come through the door.”

Aaron doesn’t say anything for a second, again. He looks panicked and sorry one second and then he frowns. “Finally?”

Robert’s eyes dart.

“What do you mean by that?” Aaron asks. “Did you see him?” Robert stays silent around his mistake, around the fact that he couldn’t stop from shouting his mouth off about it. “You did?”

Robert can’t handle it. “You don’t get to sound disappointed in me.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. Robert knows almost instantly that he’s unleashed fucking hell. 

“You _knew_ and you didn’t even warn me?”

Robert just stands there. “I ...”

“You just _weren’t_ going to tell me?” Aaron says. “Say something.” He practically growls and Robert shakes his head at him.

“What was I supposed to say?”

Aaron scoffs and Robert doesn’t understand how this has all somehow managed to be his fault, but he won’t stand for it.

“You’re meant to have my ...”

Robert shakes his head firmly. “Don’t finish that sentence Aaron.” He can’t have Aaron day he’s meant to have his back and that at the same time meant to abandon him on a moment’s notice.

It doesn’t make sense; Aaron doesn’t make sense.

“You’re a _dick.”_ Aaron says, like he’s really _hurt_ over the realisation that Robert didn’t try and warn him. It’s like he doesn’t see the reason _why_ Robert wouldn’t want to warn him and wouldn’t mind if Nathan found them.

The thoughts crash through Robert’s mind and he almost explodes.

“Yeah and you’re even bigger one because you’re in a _relationship_ Aaron.” Robert shouts it louder than he intended to and then he’s trying to calm himself down. “You’re someone’s.” He says bitterly. “And I don’t need this.”

Robert goes to turn away again and Aaron won’t let him. He just gives him this look like he’s not sure what to say, how to make things better. Robert wants to tell him it’s so simple, it’s so _easy_ to do all of it.

“So you’re just going yeah?” Aaron says, his chest is puffed out. “Don’t be so ...”

“What? Unreasonable?” Robert watches Aaron look away. “I’m not the one cheating on someone who I say I _love.”_

Aaron shudders and he breathes in tightly. “I do love him. He’s amazing. He’s smart, kind, he’s — you’ve got no idea.”

“He’s not enough though is he?”

Aaron practically freezes on the spot; his face twitches a little again and Robert wonders if he’s thinking of every little detail he’s ever told Robert that might make that true. If he’s recalling the quiet times between bed sheets and soft kisses as the sun was setting, pouring orange through the window.

“You don’t know _anything_. You think you’re so clever don’t you?” Aarons whole demeanour changes again within seconds, he’s bullish, angry, looking like he has no idea who Robert thinks he’s talking to. “But you have no clue, you don’t know anything Robert.”

Robert thinks he’s clutching at straws. He has Victoria in his head, he has Katie and Andy and choices that have caused a life time of pain and angst. He chooses himself.

“I know that I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Aaron has the audacity to revert back to how he was when this whole conversation started. He’s softened his edges and looked too shocked for words. “What?”

“I don’t want to do this anymore Aaron. I know that. I know that this, whatever _this_ was, it’s over. I’m done.” Robert has a hand in his pocket, the other is waving about and creating this space between them. He looks up and sees that the clouds have moved. The sky is even greyer than it was before. He looks down again, and Aaron’s just staring at him and then down at his blue tie like he can’t look anywhere else.

Robert turns. He doesn’t even want to wait and hear whatever Aaron has to say. He decides that he’s had enough fresh air, he starts walking back to the office. Aaron stops him briefly, holds onto his arm.

“Robert, wait.”

Robert spins, pushes at Aaron’s arm. “I mean it.” He says, but this wasn’t mean to be so hard. “You’ve got a perfect little life with _perfect_ Nathan yeah? I’m not in that. And yeah I’ve always known but I can’t do it anymore. I deserve better.”

Aaron breathes in and Robert can see that his eyes are glassy. He wonders if it’s because he’s sad or angry. It’s always so hard to tell with Aaron.

“So just forget all about this.” Robert says.

It starts raining. Robert hears the wind pick up slowly and then all at once and Aaron looks devastated, and angry, and wronged. Robert sees it all and absolutely hates him.

_I love you, but I can’t do this._

Robert wonders what would happen if he said that, if he just _told_ him, if he had blurted it out in the middle of shouting at each other in the local greenery. Eventually, he looks away from the way Aaron is standing stunned, almost still in shock. Robert looks at the hand still soft against his harm and pushes it away again before he turns and walks away.

The rain is hard against his shoulders as he crosses the road and walks back into the office building.

He looks back, of course he looks back. He wishes he didn’t have to.

—

Aaron walks home. He hasn’t walked home since his car cut out and he didn’t have the tools on him, and it was a nice enough night to do so. It’s not a nice night now. It’s not even that late. He’s left early, the sun is still shining and he’s marching down the road.

There’s a greyness to the clouds still, he thinks it’s going to start raining. He wouldn’t mind if it poured down. It wouldn’t bother him in the slightest.

He’s already decided to cook tea, to stand in the kitchen for hours on end and focus his mind on how long it takes for vegetables to be cooked through. The thought sticks on his mind until he’s nearly home.

The turn into the end of the road comes too sharply and he ends up knocking straight into someone. It’s almost on instinct that he has them up against the wall.

“Mind out.” Aaron practically barks and then he’s pulling his hands away from the man and shoving him hard. He nearly falls flat on the ground but then someone’s coming to his rescue. Aaron doesn’t even stay to look. He goes back to walking down the road with his head down.

When he gets home, Sonny’s standing around near the flats and Aaron scowls at him.

“Get lost.”

“I’m staying for tea.” Sonny says. “At a loose end.”

Aaron scoffs. “You’re not.” He say. “So crawl on home.” He goes to walk up towards the entrance and Sonny comes towards him. He’s smoking and Aaron backs away from the smoke ring. “I mean it.”

“What’s up with you?” Sonny asks. He’s almost teasing, almost serious and Aaron doesn’t have an ounce of patience left in him.

“I said get lost.”

“Not as chilled out as this morning.” Sonny says. “What happened to being peachy and ...”

Aaron steps closer to Sonny, grabs his cigarette and throws. “That was then. Now I’m saying you better back off me and Nathan.”

“Or what?”

“You don’t want to know what.” Aaron says. He feels like he’s about to explode. He thinks of Sonny telling Nathan he has something to worry about and the thoughts unravel. “I mean it.”

Sonny’s like a frisbee. He just smirks and then leaves away. “Touched a nerve then Mr Perfect.”

Aaron’s jaw twitches under a nickname that Nathan gave him years ago. It was silly. It was nothing. Sonny likes to use it to poke holes at just how imperfect Aaron really is.

Aaron watches him walk away and closes his eyes shut under how he’s behaving and why.

—

There’s nothing on the telly and Robert’s stuck flicking through channels and trying to cook his tea at the same time. He’s bought himself a bottle of wine and he’s going through it like there’s no tomorrow and absolutely blaming Aaron for all of this.

It’s like he’s a kid again, like he’s just experienced heartbreak for the first time and he’s not sure what he’s supposed to feel. There’s this part of him, it’s there, unwavering, that’s actually happy that things have ended because Victoria was right. He could feel himself already sinking, it was like he was in some sandpit with no way out and all of sudden he was feeling and feeling and not actually thinking anymore.

He’s rational, he’s always been logical and whatever’s happened these past few months have been a blip.

Now he’s back, now he’s fine.

Everything is absolutely fine until Victoria is ringing him like he’s some sick patient she needs to check up on. She’s face timing him; he wants the world to swallow him up but he still answers.

Victoria’s hair is a high ponytail and she’s in her kitchen when she waves her hands out and then smiles.

“This isn’t me checking up on you and seeing how today went but if it _is_ then ... what would you say?”

Robert shakes his head. “You’re unbelievable.” He says.

“I’m also just a concerned sister.” Victoria cups her face and then goes to turn something off that she’s cooking. “Recipes for the van, come on.”

Robert shrugs. “I spoke to him. I ... I ended it.” He says slowly. “That’s all.”

Victoria’s eyes widen. “And what did he say?”

Robert pauses, thinks hard. “Not a lot really.” He shrugs again. “He tried to stop me from going but he didn’t actually _say_ anything worth repeating ...”

“So he’s probably in shock.”

“From what? Someone saying no to him?” The thought makes him angry, makes him think about the fact that he’s just one bloke in a long line of mistakes Aaron’s made.

“Is it really a no?” Victoria’s asking.

Robert thinks about it for a second, and then thinks about the fact that he didn’t actually know how it’d be with Aaron until he was standing right next to him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Vic gives him this look. “Are you sure you won’t go back there if he says sorry.” She pulls this face like she doesn’t even want to speak about it.

Robert closes his eyes. “He already did say sorry. I just didn’t buy it.” He shakes his head again.

“So you’re not going back there? That’s it?”

Robert nods slowly. Vic frowns at him.

“You can just stay away?”

Robert doesn’t understand women half the time. He scowls at her, practically shakes her through the screen. “You’re the one that said that I ...”

“I know what I said but ...” Vic looks all glum again. “But I’ve never seen you like that before. That’s all.”

Robert chews his lip. “Yeah well trust me, there won’t be a repeat performance.” He says. “I’m staying clear of it all.”

“Yeah?”

“He’s not that irresistible Vic.” Robert almost laughs and then he bites at his lip. “No this ... it’s for the best. For both of us maybe. He hasn’t got a choice anymore. I can just get on with things.”

Robert’s not even sure what he means by it but it sounds hopeful, so he doesn’t ignore it. He latches onto the thought and tries to let Aaron go.

“Well then ... good.” Vic says, a smile on her face. He wonders if even she believes him.

“Won’t stop the feelings though.” Robert says it out loud when he didn’t mean to it. He looks up to see Vic pulling this face like she’s sorry for him and he almost wants to hide from it until she’s speaking again.

“Maybe it’ll stop them getting stronger though.” She’s all hopeful, all nice about it and he doesn’t know what to actually say back. He just knows that he doesn’t really believe it, or himself, or anything anymore.

“Maybe.” He says, anyway.

—

Aaron kicks his shoes off and gets into the kitchen to start chopping up vegetables as loud as he possibly can. He’s slamming against the chopping board, cutting onions and carrots and tossing them into a pan without any oil so they nearly burn the place down. He’s not paid any attention; he’s been thinking of things he shouldn’t.

So he focuses in, keeps making tea for him and Nathan until there’s a hand on his waist and Nathan crowding around him land kissing his neck.

“Are you feeling ill?”

Aaron turns, kisses Nathan with this force and then leans away. “Very funny. I’m making us tea not applying for MasterChef.”

“God help us if you were.”

Aaron turns the hobby off and then runs a hand up and down Nathan’s chest. “You’re the chef aren’t you?” He bites his lip. “I’m a lucky guy.”

Nathan’s eyes flicker. “Where’s that come from?”

Aaron shrugs. “Nowhere.” He says. “Well. My head obviously.” He leans towards Nathan and kisses him again. “Actually ... things have been a bit tense between us haven’t they?”

Nathan looks uncomfortable and Aaron knows why, he’s like Chas, he doesn’t like speaking about things that have already happened. At least not until he’s ready to.

“But from now on ... it’s you and me. I’m not focusing on work being annoying or meetings running over or anything OK?”

Nathan smiles warmly. “Sounds like a big commitment.”

Aaron gulps. “Well it shouldn’t be.” He blurts out. “You’re my boyfriend.”

Nathan’s eyes are brown, and soft, and Aaron’s lucky. He’s so lucky. “Yeah.” He says, and then he’s holding Aaron tighter and dragging him towards their bedroom.

Aaron’s lucky. He’s so lucky.


	20. A new focus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert stands firm. Aaron struggles with Robert’s decisions.

  
The tiles in the bathroom shouldn’t be white. Aaron can’t help but stare at them as the shower spurts down onto him hard and fast before the pressure eases out and it becomes softer.

He’s been under here for almost half an hour. He’s been thinking, waiting, not knowing why everything inside him feels absolutely numb. But it does and it’s because of _him_.

Aaron thinks back to when he first met Robert, it’s been months, it feels like _years_ and he’s still not sure why he had to be the one to show him around. Then he thinks. He’d been late, he’d been late because he’d been fucking some random because Nathan had mentioned Jackson and Aaron’s problems in a fight.

Aaron wants to travel back to that day. He wants to tell Leyla to do one, show the new bloke around herself. He wants to pretend like they never even met, and he never told Robert things he hasn’t told anyone he hasn’t practically been _forced_ to.

It’s what he’s thinking one second, and then the next, he’s back to yesterday and Robert having this audacity to walk away in a way no one ever has before. He’d been strong, stoic, angry and Aaron had his mouth wired shut.

And now it’s done. It’s finished. It’s over.

Aaron jumps at the sound of the door opening and then sees Nathan half-dressed telling him to hurry up if he wants to make it into work on time. He doesn’t though. It’s literally the last thing he wants to do. It’s why he practically yanks Nathan in for a kiss, and then another.

“There’s room for one more.” Aaron’s saying and then Nathan’s naked and laughing and Aaron’s on his knees back to focusing on exactly what matters.

—

Aaron looks for Robert almost as soon as he’s out the lift and onto their work floor. He thinks it’s an instinct thing and tells himself to snap right out of it. He manages to bump into Finn in the process, knock his glasses off his face and make him squeal like a little girl. He’d laugh if his head wasn’t full of so much stuff.

“Sorry mate.” Aaron’s not even looking at him. He’s still looking towards where his desk is, where Robert’s desk is. He’s not there. Aaron looks at the empty chair and thinks of the way Robert walked away from him. It was sudden, and yet agonisingly slow and then it was over.

Over. It’s done and Aaron’s _so_ glad. He’s glad because he didn’t need the stress of having to guess how much Robert thinks he’s a dick from day to day.

Finn’s still talking when he finally looks back at him. “Second time today as well. Robert pushed me as soon as I got out the lifts. Am I that invisible?”

Aaron doesn’t even know what to say, he seems to ignore Finn long enough for it to be taken as some sort of answer. Finn walks off and Aaron sits slowly at his desk. He sticks his face into a file until there’s the sound of talking coming from the print room. He turns his head, sees Robert with some woman he doesn’t even recognise. They’re laughing about something and then Robert’s leaving her to come sit at his desk.

Aaron stays frozen against it; watches Robert start typing away and then lean back on his chair before he lifts his head.

Their eyes meet and Aaron sees Robert’s face right before he said he didn’t want to do _this_ anymore. He thinks of the way he pushed his arm away. It hurt.

Robert doesn’t say anything. He just looks like he doesn’t see anyone more than someone he sits opposite to at work. It makes something thump hard in his chest.

Aaron absolutely hates him for making it so difficult to actually look away. He goes to, he’s seconds away from doing it and then Robert does it for him. He gets up like he’s just sat on a cactus. He gets up so fast that the pens roll of his desk and Jimmy pokes his head up to see what’s going on.

“Alright?”

Robert nods, laughs. “Yeah. Just got to go print something.” He gathers papers up and walks away and Aaron tells himself not to follow him, so he doesn’t.

There’s no point to it. It would be dragging out something slow and painful and making things ten times more miserable than they had to be. Robert used the plaster way. Aaron was stupid enough to want to ask him go slower with the way he was ripping it off his skin.

The thought makes Aaron sit firmly in his chair. He waits out the need to say or do anything until after his lunch break, after he hears Leyla gossiping with the woman he saw Robert talking to earlier. Her name’s Priya, she’s stunning.

Aaron’s stirring a coffee when he hears them mention how weird Robert’s been acting today and he can’t handle the thought of them trying to dig any further. It’s exactly why he watches Robert walking into the bathroom an hour later and he follows him in.

Aaron crosses his arms over as he sees that Robert’s washing his hands, staring at himself in the mirror and then catching Aaron’s face. Aaron watches Robert’s jaw lock and the atmosphere is suddenly heavy with something he can’t explain.

“What are you playing at?” Aaron asks.

“Washing my hands.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Aaron uncrosses his arms, shakes his head and feels this anger rush inside him. “Before. You just shot up like you were on fire or something.”

Robert just _looks_ at him and Aaron’s eyes widen.

“I didn’t mean ... that was a wrong choice of ...”

Robert turns the tap off and then turns towards Aaron. He lets out this small sigh and Aaron’s not sure how he’s able to look at him this way. It’s like he’s talking to a stranger. It’s like this switch has been turned on and Robert’s this person Aaron doesn’t recognise. “What do you want Aaron?”

The question is unfair. Aaron hates him so much it’s almost irritating.

“You’re acting weird. So you need to stop.” Aaron holds in a breath because of the way Robert stares at him. He sees green and blue and then looks down at his purple tie. “I mean it.”

Robert doesn’t entertain him for a second and Aaron holds his breath as Robert steps forward and then backs up. “I’m staying out your way. Just the way I want it to stay.”

Aaron feels something sting. “Same here.” Robert blinks. “Glad I made myself clear then.” He sticks a hand in his pocket, puffs his chest out.

Aaron balls his fists. “What that you deserve better than me?” Robert doesn’t correct him. Aaron wonders if Robert gets how exactly what he said came across. He waits for a second like he _wants_ Robert to correct him, but he doesn’t say a word. “I deserve better too.”

Robert manages to scoff, smile. “Go find someone else to cheat on your boyfriend with then.”

Aaron’s jaw locks. “There won’t be anyone else.”

“Of course there will.” Robert looks down at Aaron’s chest and then up towards his eyes again. “I was just like the others. Got an extended warrantee though.” He breathes in. “Cancelled the subscription.”

Robert laughs bitterly and Aaron leans forward, in Robert’s space.

“Yeah and I’m _glad_ you did.”

Robert stares at him. The small smile on his face falls and he’s back to looking at the floor and then sighing.

“Well this was lovely. But I have to ...”

He goes to walk past Aaron and then Aaron’s standing in his way. He doesn’t want him to go. It seems like the only shred of thought that’s left in Aaron’s brain.

Robert stares at him and there’s this coldness there that Aaron realises isn’t going to be budging anytime soon. It breaks something in him.

“Robert.” Aaron blurts his name out and it sounds weaker than he would have liked. It sounds like he’s begging. He isn’t. “Everyone thinks we’re mates. So you can’t just ...”

Robert frowns. “You don’t have mates.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Don’t act like you know me.”

“I don’t want to.” Robert says. “So if you could just ...”

Aaron scowls at him. “People will get suspicious.” He says. “So just act normal.”

Robert huffs, tilts his head. “I’ll just say I saw a different side to you.”

Aaron breathes in. “Could say the same about you. I’m not the only liar, not the only who can hurt someone they’re supposed to care about.” He doesn’t even mean to still be speaking but Robert’s eyes widen and they both don’t say anything for a second or two.

“Because I knew he was there?”

Aaron gulps hard. “Because you would have ruined everything so easily.” He whispers. His eyes are wet, and he steps away so that Robert can’t see. “So you clearly …” He clearly didn’t want things to carry on as much as Aaron did. He clearly didn’t mind if Nathan suddenly knew and it was all over.

Aaron allows the thought to sit in his mind. He’s been so good at not letting it fester until right now. Robert’s just right in front of him not saying a single word.

“Because you’re a bastard who I thought I could ...”

Robert’s eyes flicker like his heart’s done something funny. “I’m not the bad ...”

“No you’re not. That’s me. You don’t hesitate to make that clear.” Aaron puffs his chest out and clears his throat. “You’re the injured party right? Who has no clue what he was getting himself into.”

Robert’s jaw locks. “I’ve never said that.”

Aaron shudders. “Everything but.”

“Is there any actual point of this conversation?”

“Yeah. Stop acting weird.”

Robert sticks a hand in his pocket, cool as anything. “Anything else?”

Aaron nods. “Yeah. Stay away from me.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “ _Gladly_. I don’t even know what I saw in you in the first place.” He says, and then he pushes past Aaron and leaves.

Aaron stares at the cubicle they kissed in like an absolute loser and then he goes towards the sink and splashes water on himself.

_Focus on what you should be focusing on._

Aaron pulls away from the sink.

—

Robert’s attempts to not look like he wants Aaron dead involve holding a door open for him as they both go into a meeting. Aaron takes it as something he shouldn’t and then he feels like a fool for even attempting to make it something it isn’t.

It’s a door being opened and then it’s not scowling at each other.

It’s something.

Then it’s Aaron looking up as work ends and seeing Robert talking to Priya in the kitchen again. He’s all arms, laughing, creases right around his eyes and then she’s got a hand on his arm.

It practically burns. Aaron wants to charge over and ask him what the Hell he thinks he’s playing at and then he remembers himself.

He remembers the park, and the cloudy sky and Robert just ending things because he deserved better.

Aaron’s left struggling to think of a reason why Robert’s wrong.

—

Chas has this small smile on her face as Aaron tucks into a meal she’s made for him at his. Nathan’s at some meeting and having his mum here is keeping him from thinking about things he shouldn’t.

People he shouldn’t.

People whose name starts with R and end with T.

Aaron can’t remember the last time his mum was here with him, it feels nice. He remembers how happy she was when he first moved in here. Fresh starts and relief all round. It’s what she said. It’s what he’s held on to

“So did you ask me over to just cook your tea?”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Well sort of but ...” Chas laughs, and he smiles at her. “I was thinking about my anniversary with Nathan coming up. Three years. Thought we could do something for it.” He frowns. “What’s with the face?”

Chas shrugs. “You. Talking about your _anniversary_. Didn’t think you even knew when it was.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “I’m not completely useless.”

“Most blokes are when it comes to that sort of thing.” Chas folds her arms over and then comes to sit down next to Aaron. “So what were you thinking?”

“Just a small thing.” Aaron says. “He’s been all over the place, well we both have, and then there’s _Sonny_ and stuff.” He sighs. “Just want to focus on me and him don’t I?”

Chas nods. “I think you’ve finally worked it all out love.” She looks like she’s over the moon for him or something. He sees the softness in her eyes, the way she’s clearly not waiting for him to hit her with some news that’ll make her worry. Aaron frowns at her words and she smirks. “How to be happy.”

Aaron’s lips press together, and he offers her this tight smile that doesn’t quite meet his eyes. He nods his head slowly. “Yeah.” He says. He gulps hard and then leans forward. “Now. Anniversary plans mum.”

Chas rolls her eyes playfully and he gets his laptop up as he starts looking for restaurants and tickets to places Nathan will like. Half an hour later, Chas is raising the point that he didn’t even consider, Nathan doing something for them instead.

“Well we can compromise can’t we?” Aaron says, he bites his lip almost nervously and keeps scrolling. He manages to save some cool places, promises himself to get in touch with a couple of restaurants too.

“It’s weird seeing you so ... I don’t know, organised.”

Aaron shrugs. “It needs to be perfect.”

Chas crossers her legs over, frowns. “Yeah. Why?”

“What?”

“Why does it need to be perfect?” Chas asks. Aaron freezes around the question; he says it just _does_ with his eyes and his mum still isn’t buying an ounce of it really. He feels like he’s being cornered, he feels like Robert’s name is so close to just tripping out and making things worse.

“I said. We’ve had a hard time recently.”

Chas nods. “Yeah. That was vague n’all.” She crosses her arms over and Aaron’s starting to think it was a bad idea to invite her over for the night.

“Mum ...”

“That thing ... the other week. You asking if you were a bad person or whatever.” Chas waves a hand out. “I didn’t ask what it was about.”

Aaron shrugs slowly, then plays with his hands and reaches out for the remote to say what’s on.

“Aaron.”

“It was ...” Robert. It was _Robert_. “I missed Jackson’s birthday and I felt bad. I felt bad and then I ... it passed.”

Chas frowns. “Oh.” She says, then runs a hand through her hair. “Sorry love.”

“Don’t be.” Aaron gulps. “If anything it’s ... it’s proof that I’ve let it go. All that guilt.”

Chas pulls this face. “And that ... that’s all?”

Aaron sighs. “Yes. Yeah. Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter. We’re now at the 20 chapter mark and there’s still a whole heap to come so this will definitely be 30+ chapters. Just a heads up if you’re a casual reader and want to know how much is left. 
> 
> Any questions or whatever about the fic can be sent to: jacobsantiagos on tumblr


	21. A personal report

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron schemes against Robert. Robert tries to follow Vic’s advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter my loves!

Leyla’s got a new boyfriend, and she tells absolutely anyone that she can about him. He just so happens to be Bernice’s ex-fiancé, and no one really speaks about it but it creates this tension that seeps through the office walls. Bernice had gone away for a grand total of two weeks before Leyla was in there and making things complicated.

It’s sort of the talk of the office. Aaron sort of doesn’t know how not to sound like a hypocrite when he walks in on a gossiping session and is forced into offering his opinion.

He says he doesn’t have one. He says it three more times until Priya is telling him that he _must_ have one.

Aaron goes to speak when Robert walks into the room, he doesn’t look at him at all. Aaron stares for just a second and then clears his throat and tries to speak normally.

“No one’s perfect are they?”

Priya spins her chair around, has a pen in her mouth and then she takes it out and waggles it about. “Yeah. ‘Course. But going after someone’s _man_.”

“No one owns anyone.” Robert’s stapling paper, not even looking up and Aaron can’t help but want him to just stay quiet. Everyone looks at him, waiting for whatever else he’s about to say. “Yeah it’s bad for Bernice but ...”

“Bernice who basically thinks Leyla’s a home wrecker.”

“Well she sort of is. You know... by entertaining it.” Jimmy of all people thinks he’s involved in this chat.

“You can’t be a home wrecker if the person _wants_ the home to be wrecked.” Robert says, like he’s some sort of expert, like he’s this magnet that Aaron’s just attracted too.

“Maybe they don’t.” Aaron blurts out.

Robert looks at him. “Maybe actions speak louder than words.”

Aaron drags his gaze away from Robert and then shrugs. “It doesn’t even matter.”

He says before he’s walking towards the door and Robert is standing there, still talking.

“Exactly. It’s all over now.”

Aaron stops dead, nods almost to himself as he leaves. It’s hours later when he’s sitting on the sofa at home does he think about it again. He looks at his phone, scrolls down to R and has his finger hovering over the button.

He throws his phone down instead of deleting anything.

—

Aaron plays with his pen, holds it up against his upper lip and pouts before watching Robert staring at him like he thinks he’s an idiot. He jumps slightly and then pushes his computer towards the right so that he doesn’t see his stupid face.

It’s been a few days of this and Aaron’s not even paying attention to Robert. He’s been focusing on what sort of anniversary surprise he’s going to be planning for his boyfriend. It’s preoccupied him in a way he’s needed. It’s swapped things in his head, made it difficult and easier at the exact same time.

It also makes his head explode but he’s trying to nudge it away, shove it out of his mind as far as he can.

It’s working until Priya’s in the kitchen pricking a bowel of salad with a fork and staring out at Robert. Aaron quietly seethes as he watches. It’s that sort of emotion that he can’t seem to turn off. Last night it managed to keep him up, eyes wide and alert as his phone rested against his bedside table charging. His fingers itched with this need to reach out and text him, say something he can’t with his words.

He’d stopped himself. He’d rolled onto his side and stared out the window and then Nathan’s strong arms were hugging him close. That was that.

Now, Priya’s in a printed skirt and black blouse and she’s looking at Robert like she wants to take his clothes off. Aaron thinks of Chrissie and then looks at Priya and then wonders if Finn fancies a go too and he can’t help but drop something out of the fridge in his hurry to leave.

Priya stares at him, eyes flickering. “Oh. Sorry. I didn’t ...”

“Why you apologising?” Aaron asks. He’s a little firm with it. Priya looks like she has no idea what she’s trying to say, and Aaron goes to leave before she’s speaking again.

“You sit opposite Robert right?”

Aaron turns towards her and tries not to sigh so loud. “Sugden?”

Priya nods. “Is he single? Do you know?”

Aaron gulps hard. He wants to tell her that this isn’t Love Island but then he stops and considers the fact that if he doesn’t indulge her, Leyla will. He thinks of her setting Robert and Priya up and it being shoved in his face.

“Uh. Yeah. He is. Single.” Aaron scratches his eyebrow and then blinks at the way Priya looks out towards Robert again. He wants to take back his reply almost immediately. “Why?”

“Thought he was flirting with me the other day.” Priya says, likes it’s gossip or something. Aaron usually couldn’t care less but now he’s eagerly anticipating her every move.

“I wouldn’t take that personally.”

Priya’s face falls and he holds back a smile.

“Oh.”

Aaron clears his throat and starts flapping about as he thinks of what to say back. He shrugs his shoulders and then sighs. “He’s known for putting it about a bit, so ... I mean maybe you're different but ... luck ain’t on your side.”

Priya scrunches her nose up and stares out at Robert once again. She looks clever, sharp, like she’d be able to tell he was wrong or something. He racks his brain, tries to think of something that’ll be convincing.

“You could ask Chrissie. White.”

“As in?” Aaron nods before she goes on. “His ex then?”

Aaron bites his lip, pulls this face. “Don’t think he’d even call her that.”

Priya gives him another look and then she excuses herself and leaves the room. Aaron stares down, smirk heavy on his face like he’s achieved something when in reality he’s just holding Robert back for no real reason. He’s not an idiot, he knows that Robert really meant what he said in this really scary, real way.

There’s this massive difference between knowing that and accepting it though.

—

Aaron watches from his desk as Priya walks past Robert without saying a word. He watches as Robert reaches out to call for her and she makes this excuse and leaves down the hall again. It feels like this small victory until Robert is eying him up and then following him to the print room almost an hour later.

There’s something about the way they’re both in the same room together, alone, that makes things more difficult than Aaron would like to openly admit. It leaves him feeling light headed and then Robert’s being himself about things so it’s even harder.

“Did you say something to Priya?”

Robert comes right out with it and Aaron feels powerless. He can’t think of anything to say so he doesn’t bother turning around, keeps looking down at the printer like it’ll magic up something useful.

Robert steps forward, closer and then Aaron’s turning, and they’re inches from each other. Aaron stares at Robert’s mouth and then Robert stepping back, _away_ and this _thing_ is snapped in half.

Aaron bites his lip. “I don’t know what you’re on about.”

“Stop lying. For once.” Robert says. “She’s avoiding me, and I want to know what you said.” Aaron’s eyes flicker and Robert narrows his eyes. “I saw you talking.”

“And what?”

“You probably told her I’ve got herpes or something knowing you.” Robert says and Aaron takes a breath.

“Why? You think I care about you and her?

“There is no me and her.” Robert snaps. “We’re friends.”

“Flirt with all your mates do you?” Aaron asks. “Right under my nose as well. You think I’d be jelou...”

“Well you’re acting like it.”

“I’m not. I don’t care. Not my fault she’s gone off you.”

Robert tips his head up. “She was new. She was nice to me. That’s all. But cheers, thanks for ruining something else.”

Aaron crosses his arms and feels this tug in his chest. He feels this need to reach out and say he’s sorry, but it never surfaces because Robert feels so far away. Instead, he picks up on Robert’s words little by little.

“I didn’t ruin anything.” Aaron whispers. “Not me.”

Robert gives him this sad smile, he’s less angry, less _everything_. “You’ve got no idea.” He says. Then he leaves and Aaron leans against the wall in silence.

—

Robert thinks he’s handling this relatively well. He sees Aaron and there’s this sharp stab in his stomach that won’t budge but he’s handling it. He was handling it with distractions. First it was playing video games, and then it was getting to know the new girl at work and then that was tarnished so it’s all about gossiping with his little sister on a week night.

She’s around because she says she needs someone to test her new recipes. The excuses are getting weaker. He sits on the counter in the kitchen and thinks of when Aaron was here last, his little freak out about how cosy things were becoming. Robert should have known back then that thing wouldn’t have ever gone further. He didn’t listen to himself, or Aaron, or anyone.

Vic sticks a wooden spoon in front of his face and asks him if he can test the chilli. It’s enough to drag him out of his thoughts. He pulls a face at her and then he’s licking the spoon and nodding his head.

“Well thanks for the feedback.”

Robert sighs. “I’ll email you my ratings.”

Vic pulls this face. “What did he do now?”

“Who?”

Vic rolls her eyes. “Let’s skip this bit shall we?”

“Some new girl at work, we were getting on.” Vic seems pleased. “Not like that. For me anyway. Just. Friendly.” He shrugs. “Next thing I know, they’re having a word and she’s avoiding me.”

“You think he said something to her?” Vic pulls her pick cardigan down and wraps it around her waist. Robert watches and then taps his feet against the cupboards below him.

“Obviously.” Robert says. “I think. Maybe.” He shakes his head. “If he did then ... then it’s like he cares?”

“Wants what he can’t have more like.” Vic tells him. She has this opinion of Aaron that Robert’s not sure he likes. He wants to tell her the good things. Then he realises there isn’t really a point to it.

“He’s ...” Robert stops. “He said he didn’t care. If I liked her. He said he didn’t care.”

Vic sobers a little. “Hey.” Robert looks up. “Don’t let the feelings grow. Remember?”

Robert sighs. “It’s not that easy.” He says. “Not when I see him every day. Today we were in the first place we ...” He stops himself. “It was just a room but it ain’t. And until it stops being more than just a room then ... whatever I feel won’t go.”

Vic bites her lip, feels so sorry for him that he can almost feel it. “We have to go with the avoiding tactic then. Yeah? Just ...” She waves a hand out and chops the air. “Avoid him.”

Robert sighs and then nods his head.

—

Aaron opens the door to see Sonny sitting on his sofa and he wants to leave again almost straight away. All he can think about is the fact that Robert looked sad today and it was different to seeing him so angry. It felt like this extra weight on his shoulders. Now there’s Sonny of all people in his living room making things worse than they were before.

Sonny smirks. “That was a big sigh you just let out. Rough day was it?”

Aaron kicks his shoes off and scowls. It’s like Sonny just has this weird way of getting right under his skin. “Yeah. Out doing more of my dodgy stuff. Like working. You know. For a wage. Don’t expect you to understand.”

Sonny claps his hands slowly. “What a burn. That hurt mate.”

“You’re not my mate.”

“Who is?”

Aaron’s jaw clenches. “What are you even doing here?”

“Waiting for Nathan.” Sonny bounces his leg. “He’s in the shower.”

Aaron frowns. “You two going out?”

“Not a problem is it?” Sonny’s voice is gruff, and he doesn’t even look up at Aaron as he speaks. Aaron just stares at him, tries not to shove him against the door and tell him to piss off. He reigns it in long enough to be sitting on the sofa across from him.

“I didn’t say it was. He just didn’t let me know I’d be eating alone.” Aaron tries to pretend like he isn’t pissed off about it all. He focuses on how small and weedy Sonny is, how he’s never seen him wearing any other shoes but these Nike trainers. He stares until it’s awkward. “Where you going anyway?”

“Why’d you want to know?” Sonny asks and then, he clearly has a change of heart. “Just out for something to eat. He said he wanted to talk about rehab some more.” He looks more serious suddenly and Aaron struggles to say something.

“But you don’t want to go?” Aaron says eventually. “To rehab?”

Sonny gives him this look. “You should want me flying out the door, it’d save Nathan the trouble of actually caring for someone other than you.”

Aaron squeezes the bridge of his nose. “What’s your problem with me?” He snaps.

Sonny’s brown eyes almost bore into Aaron’s. “That’s a big question.”

“Yeah and you’ve got a big mouth. So.” Aaron shrugs.

Sonny shrugs. “You’re not Mr perfect, not all whiter than white, soft around the edges. I know.” He says.

“I never said I was any of that.” Aaron tells him.

“No.” Sonny drags his gaze up to Aaron’s eyes again. “You don’t even have to. Nathan’s already in the palm of your hands.”

“You’re wrong.”

Sonny shrugs, acts like the prat he is, and Aaron doesn’t have the time for him. He never has. He ends up leaving, sloping off to some country pub and hovering his hand over his phone to ring Robert and face some of distraction.

It’s not to say he misses him, which he does. It’s not like he’d admit that if he answered the phone. He’d ask to meet him; he’d go his place and everything in his mind would quieten down again like it did before that stupid hotel.

As soon as the dam is open, everything seems to flood in and he’s back to thinking and feeling about what he’s done, what he regrets and what he doesn’t.

It’s after ten when he comes back home. Nathan’s watching telly on the sofa and asking where he’s been, and Aaron doesn’t want to have a deep and meaningful. He says as much, only he’s pissed, and Nathan wants to know how he got home.

“I took a cab.”

“Sonny said you just left.”

“ _Sonny_ hates me. You know I’m trying here.” Aaron’s not exactly slurring his words, but his vision is fuzzy and he’s speaking more freely than he usually would. “For you. I even tried having a conversation with _him_.”

Nathan frowns. “He doesn’t hate you. He’s going through stuff Aaron.”

“He made out I was dodgy.” Aaron starts counting on his fingers like he’s going to start listing things off. Then he stops, waves a hand out.

“Why would he?”

Aaron stills. “Well I don’t know.” He shrugs a little and then goes to walk away.

“You’re being paranoid.” Nathan says, he shakes his head at Aaron and tells him to go sleep off the pints he’s had.

“You’re being naive. As always.” Aaron says, rubs a hand over his face. He thinks about what would have happened if he called Robert, if he would have even answered.

He wishes he did suddenly. He wishes he’d answered, and they’d just talked. He wouldn’t have even minded the animosity still there between them. It would have been a break from this.

“I’m trying Nath.” Aaron says. “To just _focus_ on _you_.”

Nathan pulls this face. “Sorry that requires so much effort.” He says, and it’s him moving past Aaron quickly and slamming doors and it’s Aaron sleeping on the sofa and looking up at the ceiling.

He thinks of how badly he hates Robert for making all of what just happened _happen_. It’s the last thing on his mind.

____

Nathan’s still in a mood the next morning and still doesn’t seem to understand that Sonny’s the one who’s the dick. Aaron tiptoes around him, doesn’t even get a goodbye as he leaves, and it sets him in this mood.

It stays as he gets to work. He’s short with Jimmy and manages to spill a coffee down Finn as he passes him by.

“I am actually here you know?” Finn has a breakdown, the whole office hears about it and by the end of his lunch break, he’s being told to take a few days off for stress.

It’s the talk of the place, Aaron almost laughs, goes to look up and kick Robert when he’s met with this scowl from him. The scowl fades, manages to turn into something more dismissive and Aaron squeezes his hands into a ball under the table.

“Sugden.” Aaron says ten minutes later. “I need a word.”

Robert pulls this face. “I’m busy.”

“Yeah and I don’t care.”

Robert looks up, clearly surprised that Aaron’s being so loud. “What?”

“It’s been four months since you’ve been here, so we need to have a check in.”

Aaron stands, gathers some papers up and then walks towards an empty meeting room. He waits. Then turns towards the door and sees Robert coming in and sitting down slowly.

“Why’d you have to give me a progress report?”

Aaron frowns, starts faffing around with papers and trying to think of something to say. “I showed you around on your first day.”

“And that warrants you doing all of this?”

Aaron sits down. “All of what?” He asks. “I’m just doing my job.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “Yeah right.” He says. “You’re bored. Fight with Nathan or something?”

Aaron’s jaw locks and he thinks of the fact that Robert has this way of slipping and sliding and getting straight under his skin in this way no one ever has before.

“My personal life ain’t any of your business.”

Robert scoffs. “So that’s a yes then.” He says. “Think you can come in here and try to take it out on me.” He goes to stand up. “Can I go now?” He’s not really even asking but Aaron stands up too.

“No. You can’t.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “You don’t get to mess me about.”

“I’m not messing you about.” Aaron keeps his head down and then leans back on the chair. “I’m just –” He’s just losing his absolute mind, and something told him that being closer to Robert like this would make the noise calm down in his head. He frowns when he sees Robert’s face. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Robert stops bouncing his knee, looks up.

“Like I don’t want to be in the same room as you?” Robert looks up towards the door. “Like we didn’t part on the best terms.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “You need to stop being dramatic.”

“And you need to stop pushing your luck.”

Aaron looks up towards Robert, holds his gaze. “Is a threat?”

“No it’s a promise.“ Robert says. “You’re forgetting what we did, the fact that I could blow things apart for you in a second, so you don’t have the right to try and push me about.” He spits the words out and Aaron’s hit by this feeling of being outside whatever it is they had before now.

Aaron doesn’t speak, he doesn’t say anything as Robert stands up and gets towards the door before turning around and looking at Aaron.

“You’re bitter.” The words come out harsh, forced and twisted and Aaron doesn’t want to swallow them down, but he does. They get stuck halfway and he breathes in to see Robert staring him down hard.

“And you’re an idiot.” Robert says. His tongue is vicious, and his eyes are cold, and Aaron doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do next.

All he does know is that whatever he was trying to do by dragging Robert in here has backfired. It’s made him smaller than he did before and there’s this empty feeling crawling back towards his chest at this constant speed.

Aaron turns his back on Robert.

“You can leave now.” Aaron says, like he’s still got any power here at all.

Robert scoffs again, shakes his head and mutters something under his breath that Aaron can’t quite hear. Then he’s gone and Aaron’s left staring at blank sheets of paper out in front of him.

—

Nathan’s cooking their tea when he gets back home, and Aaron can already tell that the tightness in his shoulders has relaxed down to this calmness that Aaron’s used to.

Aaron apologises, he says sorry for being brash and realises that Nathan’s sorry too. It’s their thing, it’s this fire and anger which boils down to hugging in the kitchen and being content with what they’ve got.

He is, he’s content. Aaron’s arms are strong around Nathan’s and he decides to close his eyes and focus on how lucky he is.

“You’re all that’s important.” Aaron says. He says it to mean it, he gets these big gentle eyes looking back at him and he’s almost frozen against it.

“You sometimes say the sweetest things.”

Aaron smiles a little, his eyes flicker like he can’t really take the compliment. He can’t because it feels bare, stripped back to a lie in a lie in a lie.

Aaron realises so suddenly that he doesn’t even need to be in someone’s bed anymore to be cheating. It feels like a whole new level of wrong.


	22. A box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron gives in to temptation. Robert is left feeling vengeful, only to be stopped in his tracks by a discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’ll be shouting at me by the end of this because of the way it’s left but xxxxxx happy reading guyssssss

Aaron’s on his lunch break when he decides to enlists Leyla into his plans for his and Nathan’s anniversary in a couple of days. The fact that she gives him this weird look just like his mum did is enough for him to realise that he isn’t all that big on romantic gestures.

The thing is, he knows it himself. The thing is, he’s trying to _prove_ that he’s focusing on his relationship and not wondering how much Robert hates him for having one at all. The thoughts seem to make his head spin, they seem to leave him feeling annoyed and angry at himself, so he stops thinking.

Instead he focuses on heating up a ready meal and having Leyla breathing down his neck about a weekend away somewhere.

“That’s more his style.” Aaron says, he takes his ready meal out of the microwave and pulls a face at how rank it look. “I don’t book the fancy hot ...”

Robert comes in, disturbs his thoughts by just _walking_ in like he owns the place. Aaron gets a fork out, starts stabbing at his pasta and swirling it around. Leyla looks absolutely perplexed.

“It’s your anniversary Aaron. Granted. It’s only three years.”

“Three years is a long time.” Aaron says. It’s longer than him and Jackson. It’s longer than he thought Nathan would stick around for. It’s something. “I want it to be special.”

“Sounds like overcompensating.” Robert says, mainly because he’s a dick, and also because he’s correct.

Aaron scowls at him. “Who asked for your opinion?”

Leyla looks between them both and Robert grabs at an apple from the fruit bowl, shakes his shoulders like he’s laughing but nothing really comes out. He leaves and Aaron’s back to feeling rattled.

“Thought you two were mates?”

Aaron pulls this face that scrunches up his nose. “Nah.” He says. “We’re not.” He focuses in on the sound of the office, hears Robert talking on the phone and being his stupid smarmy self.

A moment or two passes before Leyla’s back to asking him if he’s getting Nathan an anniversary present. It all feels pretty pointless to discuss suddenly.

—

“Vic. I don’t need any new friends.” Robert sits at his desk and leans back on his chair as he watches people start to leave the office for the day. He was halfway out the door when Vic rang and half an hour later he’s still hearing her banging on. She’s clearly skirting around the subject and he wants her to get to it, so he tell her no.

“Is that really what you think I meant by: I have someone I want you to meet?”

Robert rolls his eyes, stares at Aaron’s empty chair. “I’m not ...” He clears his throat. “I’m not sure Vic.”

“Because of ... Mr. Work?”

Robert sighs gently. “Aaron.” He whispers like people are still around, like Aaron’s sitting opposite him with that grumpy look on his face.

“So he has a name.”

“A name that doesn’t matter.” Robert sits up slightly. “Because we’re back to sniping at each other like none of it ever happened.”

Vic doesn’t say anything for a second. “How does that work?”

Robert gulps thickly. “He’s worked it all out in his head I suppose, how to switch off attraction or feelings or whatever.”

“And you have too?”

Robert bites his lip. “Trust me. I don’t need to even try and switch anything off. He’s such an idiot Vic.”

Vic laughs. “Thin line between love and hate right?”

Robert breathes in sharply. “That isn’t funny.”

“Neither is you moping over him.”

“I’m not.” Robert says, and yet he is. He leans back on the chair again and stares up at the ceiling. “I take it you haven’t told mum about this?”

“About you falling in love with someone who’s already with someone and having an affair?” Vic says it all in one breath. “No. Mainly because she’d freak out and compare it to Katie.”

Robert feels like a teenager again because of the amount of times he’s heard her name. It makes him cringe, roll his eyes and pull a face. “It’s not the same. How many times?”

“Yeah I know that. So will she. When you tell her.”

Robert bites his lip. “I’m not planning on doing that.”

“Why?”

“Why’d you think?” Robert suddenly thinks of his dad, it sort of whacks him over the head and he’s frozen against how badly he’d react to every single thing about what his life is made up of now. He’s suddenly thankful that he’s not here and then he’s got this guilt floating about. “She’d hardly be happy about it. Anyway, it’s over now.”

“So you’re open to a date?”

Robert starts packing his stuff away, he hears Vic bang on some more about finding him someone who isn’t in a relationship and it’s all a massive joke until she says sorry and he knows she means it. He stops dead when he walks past Aaron’s desk and sees the picture of him and Nathan. Him and Mr perfect himself.

He thinks about the threats he made, what sort of person that makes him. Then he’s thinking about the fact that he doesn’t owe anyone anything.

“Fine. A date. One. And I get to pick where we go.”

—

Leyla finds out about the date because he asks her if his tie is too garish and she somehow figures it out. She’s clapping her hands and making things seem bigger than they are.

After lunch, he watches her coming over towards his desk and he wills her to turn away, but she doesn’t. Instead, she sits next to him and asks where he’s going for this date. He’s not even sure why she’s so bothered. He doesn’t really care until Aaron’s coming back to his desk and he’s biting down this urge to rub the whole thing in his face.

Robert watches Aaron’s face twitch as Leyla starts talking about her dishy doctor that used to be Bernice’s. She says they can double date and then she calls over to Aaron.

“Hey, we could triple date if Robert’s date works out.”

Aaron looks like he wants the world to swallow him up, he clicks his tongue and shrugs his shoulders and basically doesn’t even answer but Leyla doesn’t seem to care.

Robert watches her leave ten minutes later. He shakes his head and smiles as she goes off to answer the phones and then his smile is fading as he notices Aaron looking at him.

“What?” Robert dares to say.

“Nothing.” Aaron bites back. Then he stares at Robert’s tie. “That tie’s naff.”

Robert looks down like an idiot at the pattern of the tie and then scowls up at Aaron. “Am I meant to care what you think?”

Aaron sobers. “No.” He says. “Suppose not.”

“Well you supposed right.”

“Fine.” Aaron wriggles his computer mouse and pretends he’s reading something, looks all serious with it.

“More than fine.” Robert shrugs. He leans back on the chair and then smooths a hand over his tie.

“Amazing then.” Aaron says. His eyes flicker a little and then he’s standing up and leaving. Robert watches him for a second before Leyla’s forwarding him a client and he’s answering.

—

Robert’s heart isn’t in it.

He knows as soon as they’re ordering drinks and he’s sitting across some bloke who works as a school teacher and has stories that can’t seem to make Robert laugh like he wants to.

At first, he’s sure he’s over-analysing everything. It’s the job, it’s the hair, it’s the weird colour shirt. But then it’s just what he isn’t, who he isn’t, and Robert feels so enraged that he wants to go run up to Aaron and shove him against a wall.

He stays until dessert because he’s not mean, and Victoria would kill him if he just upt and left. He stays and it’s not like it’s unbearable but it’s also not like it’s anything Robert needs.

He’s worked that out pretty quickly.

—

Aaron’s got his head down, scrolling through his phone when he sees that Nathan’s text him. It’s all winky faces, weird emojis that Aaron’s never even seen and then he’s getting to the point. He’s saying that last night was amazing and Aaron’s remembering.

It was Aaron dragging Nathan to bed as soon as he came in from work, spending hours thinking about not thinking and then laughing with Nathan like Robert never even existed. It was bliss for a long time.

Aaron’s waiting on a call, telling himself that when the client rings him again, he’ll get back to work. The moment doesn’t come soon enough, so he waits and then watches some girl come through the office. She’s got a high pony tail and she’s looking around like she’s not even sure where she is.

“Can I help ya?” Aaron offers, mainly because he’s bored, and he doesn’t have to do anything major until after lunch. He watches her come towards his desk almost sheepishly. She’s holding out some muffins in a pretty little box and he stares down at them. “Cake sale?”

“What? No I’m ... well one’s for someone who works here but he’ll probably take the whole lot.” She leans in. “He’s sort of a pig.”

Aaron smiles. “Visiting?” He doesn’t know why it’s become such a thing, the thought cringes him out until he remembers the fact that Nathan’s done it more than once or twice.

The girl shrugs. “Sort of.” She looks around like she can’t see whoever she’s here to offer muffins out to. “Robert? Does that name ring a bell?”

Aaron’s jaw locks a little and he leans against his desk as his arms cross over tightly. “Yeah.” He says. He thinks of Robert’s date last night, thinks of how beautiful this girl is and he feels like he’s going to explode. “You ...”

“Just popping by.”

Aaron nods. “Right. Yeah ... he sits opposite me actually. I just don’t know where he is right now.” He hasn’t seen him for ages but it’s not like he’s been looking around for him. “I take it ... his date went well then.”

She tilts her head. “Yeah I’m sort of here to find out.”

Aaron arches his eyebrow. “So he wasn’t ... clear with you last night?”

He watches her frown against it and then she’s pulling this face and waving her hands up in the air. “Oh. Oh _no_. Eww gross.” Aaron almost feels defensive. “He’s my brother. I’m Victoria.” She says. “I set him up with some bloke who comes to my food truck a lot. We’re sort of mates so I just ... I wanted to check how it went.”

Aaron’s shoulders relax down, and he remembers her in the photos Robert’s shown him. Then he tenses again when he realises that there’s some _bloke_ that Robert was with last night.

“Oh. Right.” Aaron uncrosses his arms and then smiles nervously. “Sister then. Right.”

“You two mates or something?”

The question makes Aaron almost freeze. He shakes his head slightly and then shrugs and then nods and it makes Victoria laugh like he’s absolutely insane.

“Yeah. He seems to have that effect on people.”

Aaron nods slowly. “No he’s great.” He blurts out. “You know, not all bad.” He looks nervous, feels nervous too. The feeling makes him stand up straighter and he doesn’t know why staring at someone so close to Robert makes everything feel heightened inside.

He wonders what she thinks of him. He shouldn’t.

Victoria looks around and then sighs. “I was only popping in.” She says. “Can I leave one with you?” She gets the muffin out. “You can have one too, hold on, let me just ...” She puts the box down, gets one out and then another. Aaron takes it slowly.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Victoria says. “I didn’t actually get your ...”

Aaron leans forward. “Oh. Aaron.” He says. He watches Victoria’s face fall, her eyes become beady and she leans towards him. He knows almost instantly that she knows.

“You’re _Aaron_?” She’s about five foot two but Aaron feels like he’s being spoken to by the BFG. He feels small, guilty, like he’s wronged her personally. “The Aaron who my brother is ...”

“You know.” Aaron’s eyes are wide, and his mouth hangs open. “I mean ...”

“Yes. I know.” Vic snaps. Her eyes widening and then she leans towards him. “I know exactly what you’ve been doing.”

Aaron can’t think straight suddenly. He feels this punch in his stomach over the fact that Robert’s told someone. He doesn’t know what to say.

“Was.” Aaron says eventually. “Was. It’s over now.”

“Because he said so.” Victoria says, “Because he has some respect for himself, whereas you, you don’t have respect for _anyone_.”

Aaron looks around, he’s thankful that it’s quiet. He’s thankful that he doesn’t have to have a shouting match about how much he doesn’t care about someone he knows he still does. He breathes in and then shakes his head.

“You don’t even _know_ me.”

“Robert does.” Victoria says. “No matter how much you try and pretend he doesn’t.”

Aaron’s jaw tenses at that. “Look. I’m not sure what he’s said but ...”

“That you have a boyfriend, that you’ve been cheating on him for months.” Victoria has the courtesy to whisper and Aaron’s not sure he even deserves it. He knows that he should leave, walk away and pretend like hearing about Robert having to _tell_ someone about them hasn’t affected him. “Stop me if I’m wrong.”

Aaron shakes his head. “It’s nowhere near as black and white as you’re making it seem.” He doesn’t even know why he’s trying to reason with her, but he can’t help himself. He wants to try and make her understand.

“All I know is what he’s told me.”

“Well he shouldn’t have told you _anything_.”

Vic scowls. “Who are you to stop him?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Aaron says quickly. “I’m not ...” He wants to say that he isn’t a bad bloke messing with her brother and causing him nothing but misery.

Victoria rolls her eyes. “Save it.” She says. “Just keep staying away from him.” Aaron closes his eyes for a second. “I mean it.”

Aaron’s jaw tenses. “You’re his little sister not his bodyguard.” He says. He watches Victoria look at him like she didn’t expect anything back.

“You really can’t help yourself can you?”

Aaron goes to speak, but nothing quite comes out and he’s left stumped as Victoria takes his muffin and puts it back in her box.

“I was right. He does deserve better.”

It seems unfair. It makes Aaron’s heart thud and eyes twitch, and he leans against the desk as he watches her leave the office angrier than when she arrived. He sits on the knowledge for ages, just thinks about the fact that Robert clearly told her before he broke it all off, that she was probably the one who convinced him too.

Suddenly there’s this anger there and it stretches out far and wide as soon as he sees Robert coming out of one of the board rooms with his head down. Aaron all but yanks him into the print room and Robert’s pushing him off as soon as they’re inside.

“What was that about?”

Aaron scowls. “Could say the same to you.” He says, he feels this electricity running through him. “I saw your sister, in here, _today_.”

Robert’s eyes widen. “Well what did ...”

“She knows. About me and you. About ...” Aaron stops short of explaining. “You told your _sister_?”

Robert’s jaw clenches around the way Aaron says it, like it makes him pathetic, weak. It manages to eat away at him inside before he’s pushing away from the wall and scowling right back. “So what?”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “So. I could do without the hassle.”

Robert gulps. “What did she ...”

“Act like some bodyguard.” Aaron says, he sticks a hand in his pocket. “Told me to stay away from you.” He shakes his head.

Robert’s face reddens and then he clears his throat. “She’s protective.” He shrugs. Aaron rolls his eyes. “When’s the next time you’re going to see her? It’s not a big deal.”

Aaron shrugs. “Maybe the next time you swan off on a blind date. She was only here to check how it went.”

Robert’s eyes widen and then he’s shaking his head again and Aaron wills him to say something about it. He wants to have a clue, get to know where he stands outside of things now.

“So that’s what this is?” Robert sticks a hand in his pocket and Aaron looks him up and down before he takes in what he’s even said. “Me going on a date whilst you have a cosy night in with your _boyfriend_. You’re unbelievable.”

Aaron shudders, tries to remain unshaken. “You know where the door is mate.”

Robert comes closer towards him and his expression hardens. “You think I’d leave my job because of this? You’re mad.”

“Yeah and you’re ...” Aaron stares at Robert, feels no words coming out and then Robert’s carrying on. He’s saying stuff that Aaron can’t even hear properly because he isn’t concentrating on any of it.

He hears something about Robert trying to act like normal, about how hard it is and how Aaron isn’t making this any easier. He’s saying a lot.

It takes a second for Aaron to come closer to Robert, then he’s got his hands on Robert’s face. Robert stops talking, halfway through a sentence it seems. His eyes are wide and green and Aaron stares at the freckles on his face until they all blur into one.

He’s suddenly tired of pretending.

“Do you _ever_ shut up, you _idiot_?” Aaron’s breathing the words out against Robert’s mouth. Robert looks down at him and then suddenly Aaron’s pressing his lips close to Robert’s and feeling Robert push back with this force that sends them both flying across the room. They’re moaning and panting, and Aaron feels like he’s on fire against the feeling.

He stays inside this bubble for what feels like years. He’s just pressed against Robert’s body and it’s what he needs. It’s what he needs and wants and everything else just has to be in the background.

It stays that way until his phone is ringing in his pocket and it’s Nathan. It’s _Nathan_.

“I ...” Aaron has his forehead against Robert’s, and he shakes his head before placing a hand on Robert’s chest. The sound has stopped but it’s already done enough damage. “Robert. We can’t.”

“Why?” Robert says, it comes out as a whisper and Aaron _hates_ him for it. “You still want me. You still want this or you ...”

Aaron pushes away; runs a hand over his mouth and then his heart feels like it’s about to explode or something. “I can’t do this to Nathan.”

Robert just stays against the wall. “Because he rang you? If he hadn’t we could have been up against that ...”

“Stop.” Aaron whispers. “Stop. It’s ...”

“What’s so different now?”

Aaron scowls. “You. Ended it.” He shakes his head, still panting and trying not to draw attention to it. “You just decided it was done, that you deserved more, and I had to just accept it.”

“And then you just kissed me.” Robert bites the inside of his cheek. He feels so much so suddenly and Aaron’s making it more difficult than he ever imagined it would all be. “And I kissed you back because I ... because it was inevitable.”

Aaron stares up. His heart pounds over the way it sounds. “What, me and you are inevitable? Is that what sort of crazy spin you’re trying to do on me breaking my boyfriend’s heart again and again?”

Robert shakes his head. “I’m not spinning anything.” He says. “I’m ...” He comes closer towards Aaron and he sees the way Aaron’s breath hitches like he’s close to becoming tangled in it all again. “See.”

“You need to stop.”

“Because you know you can’t just walk away from this.”

“What like you did?” Aaron says. “So easily.”

“It wasn’t easy, you _idiot_.” Robert shouts. It makes Aaron stare up. He can’t take it in, it’s too much.

Robert won’t stop banging on about it and Aaron wants to do it again, but he can’t because it’s not fair. He’s lucky. He’s so lucky with what he has, and he can’t carrying on taking it for granted.

That’s how it _has_ to be. Aaron knows he can’t let himself get tangled up in Robert again only for him to say he’s had enough again. 

“It was nothing.” Aaron says. “It was a kiss. Yeah I’m still attracted to you but ... it’s nothing. It’s nothing more than ... what just happened.”

Aaron can’t look at Robert’s face for a second longer. He looks like he’s been kicked in the stomach or something and Aaron hates himself for it.

“Aaron. Don’t be ...”

“You ending this was the best thing you could have done. One stupid kiss ain’t going to change anything.” Aaron says, his voice is tight and cold and Robert still looks like he’s been kicked in the stomach.

“What if it already has?”

It has, of course it has. Robert’s right, he’s wrong. Aaron’s sick of it being that way.

“It hasn’t.” Aaron says, and then he’s staring at Robert’s mouth and remembering the way his hands were so close less than five minutes ago. It feels like years have stretched by between them. He wants to rewind and pause.

Instead he turns and he leaves and spends ten minutes leaning against the wall with his hands over his face. Robert hangs back, heavy shoulders and this pounding in his head over how _much_ Aaron makes him feel.

—

Eventually Robert peels himself away from the wall and gets back to work without seeing Aaron again for the rest of the day. He can’t concentrate on anything and he doesn’t even mind. There’s just this deep darkness in his chest and he doesn’t know what to do with it.

It’s Aaron. It’s this hold he has over him and the fact that he keeps letting himself get swept up in something that he shouldn’t.

It’s this realisation.

_No one makes a fool out of me._

Suddenly he’s a teenager again, and Katie’s telling Andy she wants him and that she’s made this massive mistake. He’s out in the cold. He loves her and she doesn’t love him enough. It’s freezing, his face is red and his hair flops against his forehead. He’s got a check shirt on and it’s bobbled by the shoulders. He waits, waits for her to choose him but she doesn’t.

And Aaron doesn’t.

It’s why he ends up where he does. Vic’s tried calling him three times and he’s ignored each and every one. There’s a bottle of whiskey next to him, he’s going to use it to celebrate the fact that no one can mess with him, no one can make him feel like _this_ and get away with it.

He’s not going to roll over, go away quietly. He’d tell Vic to do exactly the same as this, take revenge, take something for what Aaron’s taken from him. Aaron, with all his exceptions, to all Robert’s rules, can’t get away with how empty he feels.

Robert knows where he lives, he knows because he’s dropped him off before. He knows because he’s sat outside, _on the outside_ , and watched Aaron go back to Nathan. He knows because he was in Aaron’s bed. He hangs outside like a weirdo until there’s this stroke of luck coming from nowhere and he sees Nathan talking to the man at reception.

He watches, thinks of charging up towards him and telling him what sort of bloke he’s so madly in love with. He thinks about telling him that Aaron kissed him out of nowhere today like it was this desperate need he has. As if Aaron finally realised that they have something real and Robert wasn’t alone in the feeling anymore.

He wants to tell him about the hotels and the things he could do it Aaron in his bed and out of it. He wants to tell him all of that and leave out the bit where Aaron pushed away and said he couldn’t do it to his perfect boyfriend. It’s like this blackness takes over. This need to protect himself, hurt Aaron, forget about what’s going on in his head whenever he thinks about the idiot.

It’s there. It’s there. It’s there.

And then Nathan’s laughing, and the man behind the desk is smiling and looking at whatever Nathan is showing him.

Whatever revenge he had involving blowing up Aaron’s entire life seems to fly out the window and gets replaced with Nathan and a ring box and him saying:

“I’m asking him tomorrow Nige, our anniversary.”


	23. A confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is left stunned by Robert’s confessions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to all the love this fic is still getting. It’s so appreciated.
> 
> Also this chapter should have been split in two but it turns out that my cruelty does know bounds. So it’s long. Like very long.

Robert knocks once and then twice when he gets to the farm. He waits for a couple of seconds before his mum is opening her arms up and his squeezing into her. It’s weird how comforting she always is, how she seems to squeeze him a little harder despite not even knowing why he might need it.

It’s not even Sunday, he hasn’t even called to let her know he’d be coming but she doesn’t seem to care in the slightest.

“Just ... was at a bit of a loose end. Thought I’d come and see you.” Robert says, lies. The truth is there’s only three people in the world that know about him and Aaron and Victoria is one of them. He needs to speak to someone; he needs to speak to her until whatever thoughts he has disappear.

“Oh. Well that’s all good and well but I was just going to pop out to get some shopping in.”

Robert waves a hand. “I’ll stick around.” He says. Then he’s looking up the stairs and seeing Victoria coming down. They lock eyes and it’s like she instantly knows why he’s here.

“OK love.” Sarah comes closer towards him, kisses his cheek before she’s getting her coat on and leaving. The sound of the door shutting manages to fill the room and Robert’s left staring at the floor until Victoria speaks.

“What’s wrong?”

Robert gulps hard. “I needed ... I haven’t slept.” His eyes flicker and he sits slowly on the sofa. “I needed to speak to you.”

Naturally, she’s worried and he doesn’t know how to get his words out, so she ends up rabbiting on about making him some tea.

“I don’t want a tea Vic.”

“Well something stronger then?”

Robert breathes in. “Trust me, I had enough last night.”

Vic pulls this face and then leans forward. “I think I can still smell it on you.” Her nose crinkles and Robert looks up at her. “Sorry.” She says, and then she crosses her arms over. “Look, mum’s gone so ...”

“I went to see Aaron’s boyfriend last night.”

Vic’s eyes are wide, and she shakes her head, practically calls him insane with just one look. “Well _why_ would you do _that_?”

Robert instantly remembers her part in all of this. “I could ask you the same question.” Vic’s face does this twitchy thing, and it gives her away entirely. “We were arguing because of _you_.”

Vic shakes her head like she’s trying to clear her name. “I was there to give you a muffin and ask how your _date_ went.”

“Terribly boring. Next.”

“Well I wonder why when you’re still thinking about Mr blue eyes.” Vic waves a hand out and Robert would find the nickname amusing if times weren’t so pressing. He cups his face, bounces his knee a little and she sighs. “We were chatting. He was nice and everything and then ... he said his name and I just ... snapped.”

Robert frowns. “Snapped how?” The thought of her sticking up for him makes him think of her bringing out the violins and making him look like this absolute sad case. He cringes as she flaps about trying to get a decent explanation out. “Vic.”

“I just said you deserve better, that you’re — that he’s an idiot or was it a twat?” Vic frowns and then pulls this face like she’s really trying. “I can’t remember. The point is ... he didn’t get a muffin and he acted like a right dick.”

Robert rolls his eyes, and his knee keeps bouncing.

“So you had a row? Is that it?” Robert nods his head slowly. “That’s why you were going to blow the whole thing to his boyfriend. Robert, you –”

“Then he kissed me.” Robert turns towards his sister and pulls this face as her eyes widen. “Yeah. It’s like he can’t ... he can’t help but give me this hope and then take it all back again.”

Vic rolls her eyes and folds her arms over. Robert looks at her mint cardigan and white vest top underneath, all calm and soft colours that don’t seem to match her expression right now at all. “Can’t help himself more like.”

Robert sighs. “So I was angry. I was _angry_ because he made an idiot out of me again. Like I was nothing. Like — like I was just this fool that lets people walk all over him.”

Vic leans up. “That’s the opposite of you dear brother. You’re all about that ...” She waves a hand like she’s searching for something. “Petty revenge.”

Robert almost smiles and then there’s that harsh pressing on his heart again that’s been there since he saw Nathan. It’s like it’s hard to breathe. He absolutely hates himself.

“So what stopped you?” Vic asks and Robert can see it again now. He can see himself standing outside for minutes after the ring was back on the box and Nathan was done acting like an idiot with this big happy smile on his face. He watched for ages more than he needed to. It was like everything felt frozen in the moment. “Did you have a change of heart? That’s not you. The car must have run out of –”

“He’s proposing to Aaron tonight.”

Vic’s face becomes how he feels. Her shoulders loosen and her hands fall onto her lap like she doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t either. He just thinks of that long walk back to his car and the way everything felt like it was closing in around him.

“He told you that?”

“He didn’t have to. I saw him, waving the ring around, saying he’d do it today ‘cause it’s their anniversary.” Robert can hear himself, how much he clearly hates all of this. He rolls his eyes and huffs. “Romantic right?” He looks up and Vic is playing with her hands. “Say something then.”

“Well.” Vic blinks quickly. “Maybe this is a good thing.”

“A _good_ thing. You know I — you know how I feel, and you think this is a _good thing_.” Robert almost wants to leave. Instead Vic pushes him back down on the sofa and he hugs at one of his mum’s flowery cushions.

“I’m just _saying_ that it could help draw the line under things.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “How? He kissed me _yesterday_. He kissed me and that poor sod thinks they’re ready to get hitched." It makes his head spin and he’s not sure why Vic doesn’t understand. He wants her to and at the same time he doesn’t.

“And then what?” Vic tilts her head and he’s back to wanting to leave again. “I take it he didn’t let it go any further. That’s why you were so annoyed.” It’s like she’s in his head. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say back so he just nods slightly. “Don’t you think that’s your answer Rob?”

Robert shakes his head. “He didn’t kiss me for no reason Vic. It was because he wanted to.” He scoffs. “And I don’t think guys who want to get married go around doing that.”

“So what?”

Robert frowns at her suddenly.

Vic shuffles in her position. “So you’re planning on saving him from a failed marriage? Is that it?” She looks at him like he’s mental. “You walked away.”

“Not really.”

Vic sighs. “Robert ...”

“I can’t let him do this.” Robert says, his heart pounds in his chest and he shakes his head. “He doesn’t know what he wants.”

Vic bites her lip. “OK. So. You telling him is going to achieve _what_ exactly?” Robert just gives her this look and then he’s staring at the floor. “Him realising that he doesn’t want to be engaged and running to you.”

“I’ve not said that.” Robert says. It’s at the back of his mind. He doesn’t tell her. “I don’t know what’ll happen, but he has the right to –”

Vic leans back on the sofa. “A head’s up?”

Robert waves a hand up. “Think clearly. Realise that he can’t do this.”

“To you or himself?”

Robert closes his eyes and breathes in. “Does that matter?”

Vic sighs. “I think you know it does.”

Robert knows what she’s saying, he hears her loud and clear and yet he can’t think about anything other than doing _something_ before it’s too late.

“I have to try.” Robert says. He gulps hard and Vic doesn’t say anything for a while. They sit in silence until his mum is back and he’s helping her with shopping.

“Everything alright love? You look a little pale.” Sarah’s holding a pint of milk in her hand and juggling a loaf of bread with the other. She looks at Robert with her head tilted.

“It’s ... nothing. Just a work thing. I have to chase it up. It’s important that I ... you know at least try to.” Robert’s rambling on as he puts away tins of soup and a jar of jam.

“It’s a Saturday.” Sarah tuts. “You should be focusing on yourself, not _work_.”

“It’s important.” Robert repeats.

Sarah has a hand on her hip. “Well try your best and it should be good enough.” She says with a soft smile on her face. “It usually is. Your business brain.” She waves a hand out and then she’s got her head stuck in the cupboard.

“What if it isn’t?”

Sarah leans out. “Hmm?”

“Good enough?”

Sarah pulls this face like he’s a little boy. “Then you tried your best. It’s not like it’ll be the end of the world if it doesn’t quite work the way you hoped it would.”

Robert nods gently. “Yeah. I suppose not.”

—

Aaron’s staring into space when he feels Nathan squeeze at his waist and make him jump. He nearly spills tea all down his front and Nathan’s laughing at him about it.

“You were miles away.”

Aaron bites his lip, turns towards Nathan and then back towards the sink to carry on washing plates. “Yeah. I ... sorry.”

“Did anything happen at work yesterday?”

It’s this question Aaron isn’t sure he can answer. He doesn’t even understand why Nathan’s mentioned it, it all just gets stuck to the back of his throat and he shakes his head.

“You were quiet last night.”

Aaron knows he was, he came home from work, took a shower and went straight to bed because he couldn’t face the fact that he’d let it all happen again.

He’d kissed Robert because it felt like if he didn’t then he wouldn’t be able to breathe right. It was like everything quietened down in his mind.

Nathan snaps him out of it by pressing a hand towards Aaron’s shoulder and spinning him.

“ _And_ you were out of bed early this morning. I missed you. Anyone would think you’re avoiding me.” Nathan says. Aaron looks up, turns the tap off and smiles.

“Don’t be daft.”

“ _Or_ ... you’re being secretive about what day it is.” Nathan looks at him with this big round eyes and then he leans in to kiss Aaron. Aaron lets him for a second and then he’s moving out of his hold. “Happy anniversary.”

Aaron hasn’t forgot, he’s had the date burned into his skull for the last week because he wants to focus on this.

“Look at us ... anniversary celebrating.” Aaron says, he plays with his hands and then grabs a cloth. “I booked us ...”

“About that.” Nathan says. “Your mum wants to see us at the pub at about six.”

“What?”

“Yeah.” Nathan fidgets. “Just a drink or something.” Aaron goes to speak. “In the meantime ... I have to go to a client thing for a couple of hours so ...”

“You’re working on a Saturday?”

Nathan looks sorry and then leans in to kiss Aaron. “I can’t get out of it.”

“I booked us a nice place and you’re throwing it in the bin for a drink at my mum’s pub.” Aaron crosses his arms over and then frowns. “Am I missing something?”

Nathan frowns back. “No. Look ... dress up nicely and then I can whisk you away to somewhere nice after we show our faces yeah?”

Aaron sighs hard. “Yeah. Fine.” He says and then Nathan’s disappearing into their room to go and get ready to leave.

—

Aaron’s at a loose end for the majority of the day. It feels weird being alone and he ends up playing Fifa by himself in the living room until he’s bored out of his brains. He sits by himself staring at the walls until the landline is ringing and Aaron’s way too curious to ignore it.

“Hello?”

He gets some snotty woman down the line asking to speak to Nathan and he wants to put the phone down on her. “He’s not here. Besides it’s Saturday so.”

“This isn’t about — just get him to ring this number back if he still wants the house. The contract’s there for him.”

“The house?”

“Yes. The house he viewed yesterday.”

Aaron’s eyes widen under it and he gulps hard, tries to ignore what he’s heard as he slams the phone and stares up at the ceiling. It feels like this _heap_ of information rolling over him. It’s a house. It’s Nathan viewing a _house_ for them.

It gets Aaron running out of the house, grabbing his keys and deciding that he should go for a run since his trainers were by the door. He runs hard and fast like he’s trying to run from something and then he tells himself to calm down.

He ends up in some massive park he’s not been in for ages. The sun is beaming nicely, and he loosens the hoodie from his waist to drape over his shoulders as he keeps up with his own little rhythm.

He’d usually have music playing to shut the world out but now it’s just him and his thoughts and this long windy path. He thinks of a house until there’s this warmth in his chest, something that says he’s _convinced_ , something that says he’s excited.

He should be, it means Sonny hasn’t ruined anything and that Nathan wants to focus on their future.

A future.

A house.

Their house.

Aaron hears the sound of a bell and nearly gets run over by a bike. It makes him jump back slightly and then he’s getting an earful from some idiot. He ends up pushing him off the bike, giving him this anger back as his fist makes contact with the guy’s stupid face.

A little girl watching from the swing park stops him. He leans up and starts running again. He starts running back the way he came, feels himself start to sprint and then stop again when he gets closer.

He gets back to the flat sweaty and red and tries to avoid bumping into anyone when Nigel pops out from behind the desk with a smile on his face that fades.

“Afternoon jog?”

Aaron pants, nods his head. “Yeah. Just ... fancied a run.”

“Without your phone?”

Aaron pulls this face; he frowns and then walks towards the lifts after waving a hand out towards Nigel.

“Someone was here for you. Robert?”

Aaron stops dead at the sound of Robert’s name and turns slowly to see Nigel again. He’s leaning over the desk and then frowning.

“It seemed important.”

Aaron gulps hard. “Oh. Right.” He places a hand on his hip. “Did he say something?”

“Just wanted to see where you were, you weren’t answering your phone.” Nigel just gives him this look, tilts his head a little and smiles. “Everything OK?”

“Yeah. He’s ... work.” He definitely fucking is. “It’s work. Thanks for the head’s up.” Aaron says and then he’s going to turn away again.

“Anniversary isn’t it? Tonight?” Nigel says and Aaron looks over his shoulder. “Congrats.”

“For what?”

Nigel goes bright red. “Your anniversary.”

Aaron nods slowly. “Cheers.” He says, and then he turns away and finally gets back to the flat.

He goes straight for his phone and sees the amount of calls and messages that he’s missed. There’s two from Nathan saying to leave soon, wear something nice and that he’ll meet him at the pub. There’s that and then there’s Robert.

 **  
From R:** I need to speak to you (16:03)

**From R:** It’s urgent. Please answer (17:06)

**From R:** Ok so you’re not at yours, did the front of house guy let you know? (17:13) 

**From R:** Come to mine. Please. (Now) 

Aaron puts the phone down and sits on the sofa. He needs a shower; he stinks, and his knuckles are close to bleeding from the way he took his frustration out on the poor bloke.

He stares down at them and then gulps hard; he feels this tension everywhere and can’t help but wonder what it is Robert wants from him. He’s been here so it must be something urgent. It has to be. The thought practically eats away at him until his phone is ringing again.

Aaron looks down and sees that it’s his mum. He’s not sure if he’s relieved or even more agitated. He picks up anyway. It feels like it’s been too long since he spoke to her.

“Just wanted to say sorry for cramping your anniversary plans. I just need to see you.” Chas says.

“Yeah. Why?”

Chas giggles but it comes out light and like she’s lying. She goes to speak and then she frowns. “Are you on a treadmill?”

“What?”

“Panting down the line love.”

Aaron gulps hard and tries to stop breathing so loudly. “No I just went for a run.”

“A run?”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut and waits for his mum to say what it is she’s dying to say. The moment doesn’t come until almost twenty seconds later.

“Everything OK?”

Aaron’s eyes swell with something he doesn’t even understand. Everything is _amazing_. He’s been with Nathan for three whole years and he never thought they’d last as long as this. It looks like Nathan’s found them the perfect place too. He just needed to go on a high octane run to let it out work out in his head.

“I could ask the same to you.” Aaron bounces his leg. “You know we had plans tonight. You were there when I was making them.”

“Yes I know.” Chas says quickly before sighing. “Just wear something nice and come soon.”

“Nice? Why’d it –” 

“A nice suit or something.”

Aaron pulls this face. “Has Nathan put you up to this?”

“What? No.” Chas says. “I’ll see you soon then yeah?”

Aaron clears his throat. “See you soon.” He hangs up the phone and stares at Robert’s messages again until he looks at the time and realises he should be jumping in the shower.

It doesn’t take him long to get ready, he burrows one of Nathan’s ties and sticks a blue suit on before running his hands through his hair. He stares at himself in the mirror for a second before he looks at his phone again and sees that Robert’s messages are still there. It’s like he thought they’d disappear if he ignored them.

Only they’re right there. Aaron looks at the time again and quickly decides that he’ll pop by on the way to his mum’s. He tells himself it’s just to shut Robert up, get whatever he wants to stay out of the way before he actually stops acting like the world’s worst boyfriend.

—

Robert hears his buzzer go and practically jumps up to answer it. He holds the button down and breathes in, runs a hand through his hair.

“Hello?”

“It’s me. Let me in then.” Aaron says, he sounds pissed off and Robert doesn’t know whether or not he should even be going through with any of this.

Then he’s back to seeing Aaron’s face when Nathan is asking him to be his _husband_ and he knows that it’ll be panic written all over it.

Robert waits by the door until there’s a loud knock and he opens it wide to see Aaron on the other side. He looks with big wide eyes at his suit, the way he isn’t saying anything at all.

“Hey.” Robert says, it’s awkward and feels weird. Aaron just gives him this look and practically pushes past Robert to get inside. “You look ...”

“What’s with the calls?” Aaron asks. He tilts his head, runs a hand up his waist and then down again.

“I needed to see you.”

Aaron frowns. “So you come to where I live? What if Nathan saw you?”

Robert hates the name; he’s never hated a name so much. He practically rolls his eyes and then clears his throat and tries to get back to what he has to say.

“I just needed to see you.” Robert steps forward and Aaron breathes in hard.

“Because of yesterday?”

Robert nods his head slowly. He can start with that, work his way up.

Aaron looks away. “It was just a kiss.” He whispers, but then he’s looking at Robert’s mouth and their lips are brushing against each other smoothly. Aaron moves his face up and down and his nose brushes past Robert’s before he parts his mouth and watches Robert move away.

“See.” Robert says. “How ... how _easy_ it is.”

Aaron’s face reddens and he suddenly feels embarrassed. “You’re a _dick_.” He says, and he tries to move towards the door, but Robert blocks him.

“No. Wait. Look, I’m sorry. I just ...” Robert gulps hard. “Aaron, that means something.”

Aaron frowns, looks right into Robert’s eyes. “It did yeah. But like you said, you deserve better or whatever so ...”

“Aaron.”

“You went _weird_ on me.” Aaron shouts. He didn’t know he was holding even half of this in, but it all comes tumbling out as he looks up at Robert.

“I know.” Robert tells him. “I didn’t want to.”

Aaron frowns. “You’re not making any sense.” He tells Robert. He can’t handle this right now and it’s almost like Robert _knows_ but he keeps pushing him.

“None of this makes sense.” Robert steps forward. “You shouldn’t be here like this, yet you are.”

Aaron’s still frowning. He waves a hand out. “You told me to come.”

“And you came.” Robert says. He breathes in. “You _wanted_ to.” He says. “Because you still want me.”

Aaron looks away again. He closes his eyes shut. “Robert ...”

“You can’t deny it.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Yes. Yeah. OK? I do. I wasn’t the one who decided this has to stop.” He leans away when Robert has this soft smile on his face. “But you did. So ... just leave it.”

“I can’t ...” Robert breathes slowly like it’s difficult. “I need you to listen to me.”

“I don’t have time for this.” Aaron tells him. He looks towards the door and then sighs. “I’m meant to be meeting Nathan at my mum’s so ...”

Robert steps back and his eyes almost turn glassy before he clears his throat. “The pub.” He shudders. “Nice and public then.” He rolls his eyes. “Has he even _met_ you?”

Aaron frowns. “What are you on about?”

Robert looks away, starts pacing the room and Aaron stares at him with his arms crossed. There’s this tension in the air. Aaron can’t look away from Robert despite knowing that he should be leaving.

“Robert.” Aaron snaps after a few seconds of just staring at him. “What’s going on?”

“I can’t let you do this.” Robert says slowly. “Let you just ... walk in there _blind_.”

“Blind to what?” Aaron already feels blindsided. He’s thinking of the cow on the phone that acted like she worked for the MI5 and couldn’t give out any secrets. He’s thinking of the house that’s sitting there somewhere, the one Nathan wants for them. He suddenly realises he should have asked her how many rooms it had.

One. Two? _Three_?

“Robert. Open your mouth. Speak. Come on.” Aaron almost waves a hand in front of Robert.

Robert looks up slowly. “It’s your anniversary ...”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Yeah. So?”

Robert leans against the wall and feels Aaron’s eyes following him. “So Nathan’s — you’re all dressed up for it.”

Aaron’s heart thumps and he feels almost guilty for being here and not on his way to see his boyfriend. He looks towards the door again.

“Are you just going to state the obvious? You said it was urgent.”

“It is.”

“Then _what_ is it? What’s so urgent that I had to come all the way to yours before I go and meet my boyfriend on our anni—”

“He’s going to propose to you Aaron.”

Aaron’s eyes are wide, and he feels tingles prick all up the right side of his body. He thinks he’s having a heart attack until the feeling subsides and is replaced with this punching feeling in his gut. Aaron just stares, and there’s tears in his eyes out of absolutely nowhere. He doesn’t speak, he doesn’t say _anything._

“He’s going to ask you to _marry_ him and I — I can’t stand by and just ...” Robert looks down. Aaron just watches as he tries to get his words out and then eventually meets his eyes again.

“What?” Aaron says. He says one single word. One word and Robert breathes in.

“I can’t stand by and let you say yes when I know ... when I know I’ve fallen in love with you.”

Aaron’s breath hitches in his throat and everything around him feels like it’s suddenly closing in. All he sees is white walls. White. White. White.

“Aaron ...” Robert steps toward and Aaron shakes his head at him. “Please.”

“Please what?” Aaron rubs furiously at his face, tries to stop his tears from spilling out as he stands there and thinks about everything Robert has just told him. “What are you doing? What is this?” He looks around the room like he’s being pranked.

Robert frowns, he doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t expect _this_. “I’m being honest.”

Aaron scoffs. “Honest?”

“Yeah.” Robert stammers out. “I’m telling you ...”

“You’re ruining my boyfriend’s proposal. That’s what you’re doing.”

Robert’s eyes widen under the weight of what Aaron’s chosen to grasp from what he’s just said. “Are you serious?”

“What — what am I meant to say?” Aaron’s panicking, he feels hot tears run down his face and he stares batting them away as he looks almost anywhere but Robert’s face.

“The truth. How you feel. _Anything_ would be nice.”

Aaron steps back and has his back pressed against the wall as he tries to find the words. “How do you know?”

“Know what?”

Aaron gulps. “That he’s ... you know ...”

Robert leans off the wall. “I saw him last night. Showing the guy at the front desk of your flats ... this ring. He said he was going to do it tonight.”

Aaron blows out a breath. There’s this banging in his head that won’t go away as he takes all the information in. “Right.” He whispers. He runs a hand over his face and then stops suddenly. “Why were you even there?” He asks.

Robert feels like things are getting so much _further_ from what’s important. He tries to looks away, has his head down for a second before looking up again. “I was angry at you saying the kiss didn’t mean anything. So yeah. I was going to tell him everything, but I bottled it when I saw ...”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he looks horrified. It makes everything between them that more difficult. Suddenly Robert’s regretting ever asking Aaron to come.

“You were going to tell him?” Aaron scowls. “Just like at the hotel.”

“Aaron.” Robert steps forward and Aaron gets closer towards the door.

“No. No. I thought I could trust you. But you were going to tell him everything.” Aaron blurts out. His eyes are glassy again and he runs a hand harsh over his face. “For what?”

Robert thinks Aaron’s the stupidest man in the whole world. He really is. Robert breathes in again. “Are you blind?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and Robert can’t help but see how small he looks.

“You want to ruin me and Nathan? That’s why you’re telling me all of this.”

“No. I’m telling you all this because I know you’re not happy.” Robert blurts out what he’s been holding in for months. Aaron scoffs, starts walking around the place suddenly. “And I didn’t ruin anything between you two. You did.” Aaron stops. “He doesn’t –”

“Doesn’t what?” Aaron says. “You have no idea how amazing he is.” It feels like a stab in Robert’s heart. “He’s kind, he’s so kind. Smart. Fit. He makes me feel so safe and ...”

Robert shakes his head. “And it’s not enough.”

Aaron’s mouth gapes open and then closes _shut_.

“It’s not enough because you had meaningless one-night stands and then there was _me_.” Robert steps towards Aaron, cups his face. “You know I’m right.”

Aaron pushes his hand away. “Was. You said it. You said it _all_ , that you’re done with me.”

“Yeah because I didn’t want to feel like this again.” Robert shouts. Aaron look at him funny. “I’ve been here before. The other ... _one_ and I just ...”

Aaron feels this shock hit him. “You’ve had an affair before?” Robert nods timidly. “You — so _why_ the hell are you doing _this_?”

“I didn’t ...”

“Didn’t what?” Aaron says and then he’s waving his hand in the air. “It doesn’t even matter OK? You — you’ve been here before. You should know the score.”

Robert’s eyes widen. “It doesn’t work like that.” He says. “It ... it was different, it’s completely different with you.”

Aaron feels his heart thump. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because Nathan ... he loves me, and I love him and ...”

“Yeah and I love you.”

Robert says it _again_ and it’s like this time Aaron can’t even attempt to avoid it. He just sort of stares like he’s in shock, like he can’t yet speak about any of it.

It takes a second for him to spring back to himself. Aaron shakes his head and looks at Robert with this _anger_ he didn’t know he had in him.

“Why are you making this so much harder than it has to be?” Aaron’s asking. “I would have chosen to carry on just how it was before. You. Me. Everything else _separate_ and now you’re ...”

“I’m telling the truth.” Robert says. He’s never been this honest in this whole life and he’s suddenly realising that it’s not that good of a feeling as he thought it would be. “There’s no catch, there’s no ...”

“There’s me not saying yes to my boyfriend when he asks me to marry him.”

Robert twitches. “You don’t want to.”

Aaron frowns. “You don’t know that.”

“Yeah. I do.” Robert’s never felt braver. “Because I think you feel the same.” He whispers the words out and watches Aaron’s face. His eyes are wide and blue and awash with tears that don’t fall. He looks like he’s almost frozen against the revelation.

“You’re off your head.” Aaron says, and it punches and twists at Robert’s chest.

“Don’t do this.”

“Me?” Aaron’s pitch rises. “You’re _ruining_ everything.”

“I’m sorry.” Robert says.

“No. You’re not. You’re ...”

“No you’re right. I’m not.” Robert looks up. “If it means you ... you realise that you can’t carrying on kidding yourself then ... then no I’m not sorry.”

Aaron has a hand on his hip. “I’m not kidding myself over anything. I love him.”

“And yet you’re here. With me.” Robert steps closer towards Aaron again, tries his luck. “I ... I’m not saying you don’t love him. But _in_ love ... that’s different.”

Aaron feels something break in him, it’s like Robert’s crept inside his brain without him knowing. He pushes back with this _force_ he didn’t know he had in him. “You really think you know me don’t you? Is it because I told you about Jackson? Is that it? You don’t know me.” He snaps. “Not like he does.”

Robert sighs. “Please don’t do this.”

Aaron chews his lip. “Because you think you love me?”

“Because I know.”

“How? This ... it wasn’t _real_. It was sex.” Aaron frowns and Robert looks so hurt. It makes Aaron look away. “It was nothing more than that.”

“You know it was. So do I. It hurts. It hurts when you’re not here.” Robert watches Aaron’s eyes fill with tears again. “When you’re with him things just ... slow down for me and I hate it.”

Aaron looks down. “Well I’m sorry.”

Robert gulps. “Because you know the truth.”

Aaron lifts his head up towards the ceiling and then looks towards the door. “I’m going. This ... it’s done.” He says and then suddenly Robert is holding his arm and he’s backed against the wall again. Aaron breathes out into Robert’s mouth; watches the way his lips part and he stares into Aaron’s eyes.

“Please don’t say yes.” Robert says and Aaron just stares at him. He hates him _so_ much for this.

“Why did you break it?” Aaron whispers back. He watches Robert frown at him. “Your promise. You said you wouldn’t fall in love with me. We had a _deal_.”

Robert’s face pales and he feels this kick to his stomach again. He remembers saying it, telling himself that he wouldn’t do this again. “I couldn’t — I didn’t plan on any of this.”

“Well neither did I.” Aaron says, he manages to move himself out of Robert’s hold. “And I’m sorry if you think this was some ... epic love story but it wasn’t. It was an affair, and they all stop at some point don’t they?”

Robert has this dull ache in his chest. It’s over. 

“I’m sorry.” Aaron says. “I have to go.” He opens the door and then looks back at the absolute state he’s left Robert in.

All he can think of is: _He loves you; he loves you. He loves you; he loves you._

Robert looks up at him with big green eyes and then he blows out a harsh breath. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He says. It’s empty, it’s filled with this sadness that Aaron can’t ignore. He just looks at him, door open and tears in his eyes. “Well go on then. Go if you’re ... if you’re leaving.”

Aaron doesn’t move. He just sees how Robert hardens, becomes stronger almost instantly. He wishes he was as strong as him.

“Go.”

Aaron jumps slightly and then his phone is going off and he sees that Nathan is calling him. He watches Robert for a second more. He’s on the verge of saying something, anything. He thinks of running up towards Robert and kissing the life out of him, grabbing his hand and running towards his car and just _driving_.

It’s stupid, it’s reckless. It’s not who he is anymore.

Aaron pulls back, he doesn’t say anything at all. His phone is still loud and sharp across the room until it’s silent. He looks down and then finally opens the door, runs down the stairs and out towards the street.

He’s smacked by cold air hitting his face and his phone keeps ringing. He looks down and then up towards Robert’s flat before shakily getting his car keys out and getting inside.

Aaron sits in silence until he’s slamming his fists against the wheel. He almost screams, he feels like he has to. He manages to hold it in.

He manages to keep himself together. Ten minutes later he’s managing to start the car and leave.

—

The village is dark and almost eerily quiet as he pulls up outside the pub. He sees the lights flickering and then leans against the headrest until this music starts up. Aaron just sits where he is, he sits and thinks about the fact that Nathan’s inside there and he wants to ask him to be his husband after three years of dating.

The thought is everywhere, and he can’t even tell anyone why it’s making him feel like this. It’s normal, they live together, they’re great together.

Get married, buy a house, live happily ever after.

The music picks up a little and he gets out of the car to inspect it all. His hair is a mess from the way he kept rubbing his hands through it but at least his eyes aren’t bloodshot anymore. He breathes in when he sees Nathan coming outside, looking around. There’s this second of quiet, and then another before Nathan spots him and smiles.

“There you are. It’s nearly seven.”

Aaron smiles. “Yeah, car packed up didn’t it?”

Nathan comes towards him, kisses him hard on the mouth and then pulls away. “You’re looking sharp.”

“You said to wear ...” Nathan nods and then Aaron’s looking up at the pub, hears music from where he’s standing. “Sounds like a party.”

“It sort of is.” Nathan shrugs. “Ours.”

Aaron gulps hard, feels like he’s about to be sick because he’s so nervous. “You ...”

Nathan drags him inside and everyone is smiling and waving at him. Marlon’s put on this spread of his favourite food and his mum and aunt are holding a banner that says happy anniversary. He looks at both of them, tries to smile and then work his way through the amount of people Nathan’s got here.

He spots Leyla and Bernice, and it all feels massively too close to home. He thinks of this being around the office on Monday morning.

“I know you hate public stuff, but I couldn’t help it.” Nathan says, and Aaron wants to ask him why, but he spots Liv coming towards him. “Surprise.” Nathan says as she squeezes at Aaron’s side.

“You’re ... what are you doing here?”

Liv has this clip in her hair, purple jeans and dark eye shadow. He takes it all in, how much she’s changed since he’s last seen her. He’s missed her so much. He gets so caught up in it that he hardly hears her reply.

“Anniversary celebrations right?” Liv gives this wink to Nathan and he knows, he just _knows_ but he tries to ignore it.

It works for a while. He’s stuck in the corner of the room holding someone’s kid and talking to his little cousin about how she wants to be an astronaut. His phone is this dead weight in his pocket, and he thinks of Robert until there’s a hand on his shoulder.

“Aaron.” Nathan’s there one second. He’s standing up, he’s looking right until Aaron’s eyes and the baby’s being taken from Aaron’s arms as he spins. The room’s suddenly dead silent and Nathan drops one knee and smiles up at him.

Aaron can see his mum grinning. He can see his uncle rolling his eyes into a pint. He can see Sonny watching with a slight smile on his face like even he’s half happy with this.

“I love you so much. I want to spend every other year celebrating a different sort of anniversary. With you. For like ... ever. You know.” Nathan gets this box out, and he opens it and Aaron stares at this shiny silver ring. “Would you marry me?”

Aaron remembers when he sort of asked Jackson to marry him. He remembers how uninspiring it was. He remembers the way he wished he hadn’t as soon as he said it because it didn’t sound right. He’s always thought a proposal would absolute shake your insides and make you feel something weird.

He keeps staring down at the ring and realises that he’s kept everyone waiting with baited breath. His mum looks worried and his uncle suddenly looks interested and then Aaron’s nodding his head.

“Yeah. Yeah I will.” Aaron’s saying. There’s this loud clapping suddenly, someone’s playing “Celebrate Good Times” and Aaron’s being squashed into this hug. Nathan’s so happy and Aaron’s there crying. He’s crying and he doesn’t know why.

“I love you.” Nathan’s saying, he squeezes at Aaron for a second more and Aaron says he loves him back because he does and he’s not about to lie to him about that.

He loves him, it’s why he said _yes_.

Nathan’s disappearing into a sea of well-wishers and Aaron stays rooted on the spot until there’s a pint in his hand and Liv standing in front of him. He puts his drink down almost on instinct.

“Married then.” Liv smiles at him with big eyes. “Can’t believe it.”

Aaron’s heart feels like it’s beating into his face. “Me either.” He says. Liv frowns. “It’s ... a bit of a shock.”

Liv worries her lip. “The good kind or the bad kind?”

Aaron blinks quickly. “Good obviously.” He says, he laughs almost nervously. “Amazing. The best.” He says, the words keep coming out.

“Well, that’s good. I mean Nathan already feels like family so ...”

“How’ve you been then?” Liv frowns at his sudden questioning. “With things?”

“Is that your way of asking me how much I want to neck your pint?”

Aaron looks down sadly. “Liv ...”

“I’m doing OK. Not engaged to a fit lovely bloke OK but ...”

Aaron breathes in around it and then he’s leaning in and holding her close to him again. He almost doesn’t want to let go but then she’s calling him weird and he’s easing off.

He looks up to see Nathan laughing with Sonny. Sonny gives Aaron this look and then he turns back to his brother. Aaron looks at them. He smiles as Nathan gives him this excited little look. He smiles over towards him and his phone continues to burn a hole in his pocket.

—

Aaron’s leaning on the wall outside with his eyes closed. He opens them to stare up at the moon and then closes them again around how bright and almost yellow it looks tonight.

The sound of heels against the gravel make him lean up and away from the wall. Chas appears from nowhere, empty glasses in hand and balancing a couple of plates in the other.

“Hello Mr.” Chas says, she squeezes Aaron’s cheek and then smiles. “Quite the night you’ve had.”

Aaron suddenly realises that she knew all along. He wonders how long she’s known about Nathan’s grand plans. He doesn’t know how to feel about it.

“God my baby is getting married!”

“Yeah.”

“Kept us all in suspense then didn’t you?” Chas puts the glasses down and sighs. “And I think I know why.”

Aaron frowns. He doesn’t know what to expect but there’s this tension in his shoulders that he desperately wants softened out. He thinks about telling her the truth, telling her that only a couple hours ago he was standing in front of someone and they were saying they’ve fallen in love with him.

“What do you mean?” Aaron says, he dares to say it and then Chas is telling him to sit on the bench next to him. “Mum ...”

“You’ve always struggled with being happy. I know it. After _everything_ that’s happened, I get it.” Chas’ eyes flicker. “You don’t think you deserve any of this.”

Aaron looks down. “What if I don’t?”

Chas tuts, cups his face. “Of course you do. Jackson would have wanted this.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “It’s not always about that you know.” He snaps at her and she frowns. “I don’t ... what if I don’t deserve Nathan?”

He doesn’t. He worked that out the minute after their first date, after Nathan was telling him he’s amazing. He worked out that he didn’t deserve someone as nice and decent as Nathan.

“You do.” Chas says. “You do because you deserve someone lovely, and kind, and normal.” She laughs. “And that’s him.”

Aaron looks at her with wide eyes and then he nods his head. “Yeah. Of course.” He says. “Sorry, I’m just a bit overwhelmed.” He laughs nervously.

Chas nods. “Of course you are.” She smiles. “But it’s OK.”

Aaron smiles at her and then looks down at his hands. “Never thought I’d be in this position.”

“What, engaged?”

Aaron blinks quickly. Nods.

“Because you’re such a monster.” Chas holds at his hands, squeezes them together. “You’re loved. Nathan, he’s besotted.”

Aaron bites his lip. “He’s amazing mum.”

Chas looks like such a proud mother.

“You’ve come so far to get here.” Chas says and Aaron knows what road this is going down. “I’ve never been happier for you.”

“Thanks.”

Chas’ hands squeezes down on Aaron’s again and then she strokes his arm. “Don’t let anything ruin this for yourself love.”

Aaron feels this thudding in his chest again and he looks up at the moon before looking back at Chas. “I won’t.” He says.

—

Robert looks up at the sky and sees that there’s this massive moon hanging high almost too bright to properly gaze at. He has to look away. He has to focus on something else but it’s so difficult to.

All he sees when he looks at his door is Aaron coming through and taking a hammer to everything he thought they were. Robert walks around the room almost in a haze and then his phone goes off and he sees that Leyla’s sent him a picture and a text underneath.

She’s smiling and Bernice is squeezed next to her sipping on champagne.

_Slightly drunk at Aaron’s surprise engagement thingy. He said yes! Why aren’t you celebrating with us?_

Robert sits slowly and drags a hand through his hair. He doesn’t get to be shocked. He doesn’t get to sit here and wonder why Aaron said yes, why he didn’t listen when he told him not to go through with it.

Suddenly Robert decides he doesn’t want to be alone. He supposes it’s progress. He doesn’t want to sit and think and drink until the feelings are numb. Robert picks his car keys up and drives to his mum’s. It’s dark now, the country roads are difficult to navigate but he gets there in one peace.

Robert’s thankful when Vic answers.

“Where’s mum?” It’s the first thing he has to ask. He doesn’t want her seeing him, he doesn’t have it in him to explain. 

Vic closes the door behind him and frowns. “Out painting the town red.” She folds her arms over when Robert sighs. “Dinner with a friend. Better social life than me.”

Robert sits on the sofa slowly and Vic comes towards him.

“You told him didn’t you?” Vic says. Robert nods his head slowly. “And it didn’t ...”

“He said yeah.” Robert closes his eyes and Vic makes this sound.

“Robert I’m ...”

“Don’t say you’re sorry.” Robert bounces his knee. “Who did I think I am?”

Vic sighs. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.” Robert’s knee bounces up and down. “I made a _fool_ of myself. I almost begged him not to go through with it, not to say yes.”

Vic sighs. “I thought you just wanted to give the head’s up.”

“I did.” Robert gulps hard. “But I ended up telling him that I love him, that I think he feels the same.” His chin wobbles slightly.

Vic’s eyes are wide. “Robert.” She says, like she can’t really say anything else.

“I said I love him. I ... I do and it doesn’t even matter.”

Robert looks up and sees Vic’s face. She runs a hand over her hair and cups her face as she tilts it to the side.

“And he ...”

“He didn’t want to know.” Robert looks up. “He was angrier that I ruined Nathan’s proposal.”

“Nathan.” Vic says the name like there’s stomach stuck at the back of her throat. “That’s his name then.” She leans back against the sofa and lets out this long sigh. “So you told him and he just ... left.”

“What else could he do?” Robert rolls his eyes. “I freaked him out. I shouldn’t have said _anything_.” Robert looks his sister. “Why didn’t you stop me?”

Vic gasps. “Umm excuse me but I sort of tried. You were dead set on rescuing him though.”

“Not rescuing.” Robert snaps. “Just making him see sense.”

“And what is that exactly?”

“That he’s only settling with Nathan.” Robert says it like it’s obvious. Vic looks away. “He is.”

“And so what if he is Robert?” Vic’s words are harsh, blunt, too unrefined and careless and Robert’s left staring out the window and hearing the patter of the rain hit the glass again and again. He freezes around it all and then realises that she’s right.

“He’s not my problem is he?” Robert sniffs. “He made that clear.” He leans back against the sofa. “ _I_ made that clear when all of this started up. I said he had to promise not to fall in love with me and look what I go and do.”

Vic holds his thigh, tries to offer some resemblance of comfort that he knows he doesn’t really deserve. He bought all of this on himself.

“I told myself not again. Not after Katie. I’m an _idiot_.”

“For falling in love with someone?”

“For thinking I could.”

Vic practically pouts at him and her arm slings around him, she rests her head against his shoulder, and they sit in silence for a second. The rain keeps running down the window and Robert stares until he’s thinking of Aaron again.

“I thought I could handle it. Like I handled sneaking around with Katie. But Aaron was different.”

“Was?” Vic looks up.

“Was. He doesn’t want anything to do with me ... he made it clear. He made it all crystal clear to me Vic.” Robert bites his lip. “So what’s the point? He said yes, he’s getting married.”

Vic breathes in. “I reckon we should open a bottle of wine.” She gets up, moves towards the kitchen and goes on about how there’s always a bottle of red in the fridge for recipes.

Robert takes a glass and ends up having another two and sitting cross legged with his sister staring up at the ceiling. It’s almost half ten when Sarah comes in and finds them both half asleep. She doesn’t even bother asking questions, just kisses their heads and goes upstairs.

“You know you should have walked away the minute you felt something for him.” Vic says lazily. Robert rolls his eyes; goes to tell her she isn’t helping. “But I know you. So I’ll tell you what you actually need to hear.” Robert looks up. “You’re not second best. Not to Andy or to ... to _Nathan_.” She pulls this face, and he laughs.

“If you say so.”

“Nathan.” Vic says again. “He just sounds all nice and normal doesn’t he?”

“Yeah. He is.” Robert blinks. “Safety net.” He whispers. “Unlike me.”

“Who wants boring? Downtown Abbey box set and missionary sex.”

Robert’s face reddens. “You’ve drunk too much.”

Vic pulls this face and laughs. “I know.” She sighs and then looks at Robert. “You’ll get through this you know. All of it.”

Robert thinks of Monday morning, wonders if the office will want him to sign some card of congratulations. He thinks of a stag do he’ll hear about, the wedding that everyone will say was beautiful. He thinks about all of this happening whilst Aaron prances around knowing that he’s in love with him.

Absolutely none of it is fair.

“I hope so.” Robert says, and he feels his eyes shut lazily against the noise of everything else.

—

Aaron watches as Nathan looks over towards him and brings him in by his waist. The pub’s practically empty. His mum’s already cleaned the place and she’s off to bed.

Nathan brings Aaron in for a kiss and Aaron lets it happen willingly before he leans away and smiles nervously.

“We’ve hardly had a moment since I asked you.” Nathan’s saying. Aaron clears his throat and nods.

“It’s been a bit mad.”

Nathan nods. “I know.” He pulls this face like he isn’t sure if Aaron’s happy or not. Then he smiles. “Suppose I wanted to make our anniversary extra special.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. He wants to ask Nathan if he thinks it’s too fast. He wants to ask him why he decided to do it in front of everyone they know. He wants to ask a lot of questions, but he doesn’t. Instead he feels this need to bring out his phone and stare at the letter R until his eyes flicker.

“And it gets better.”

Aaron frowns. “How can it?” He tries to smile.

“I’ve booked us somewhere nice to celebrate tonight. Weekend in London too.” Nathan says and Aaron’s eyes flicker in surprise.

“You ... wow.”

“Speechless. I’ll take that.”

Aaron breathes in. “I just — what about work?”

“Monday’s booked off.” Nathan shrugs and holds at Aaron’s hand. “We’re staying at the B&B tonight and then heading out tomorrow morning.” He says and Aaron just stares at him.

“Sounds ... amazing.”

Nathan picks up a champagne flute someone’s left on the bar and then runs a hand over Aaron’s waist.

“Wait until you hear about what else I’ve been up to.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “The house?” Nathan instantly looks disappointed. “Yeah. They rang. A _house_ Nathan. I thought we agreed on a flat?” It’s the one thing they were agreeing on.

“Well yeah ... money wise it’d make sense to invest wouldn’t it?” Nathan’s saying. “The house is a bit out from the city so it’s basically the same price as a nice flat.” Aaron stares blankly. “I _was_ going to tell you.”

Aaron nods, “OK.” He whispers.

“OK.” Nathan smiles into another kiss and then they walk towards the B&B. The room is set up nicely and Aaron sits slowly on the bed to feel at the soft pillows.

Aaron stares at Nathan as he potters around the place. He’s on the phone to an aunt or something. He hears the whole thing as he stares into space and thinks hard about every single moment of today.

He’s engaged. He’s going to marry someone.

Then there’s Robert. _Robert_.

Aaron stares at Nathan like he’s going to disappear if he doesn’t. “How long have you been planning on proposing?”

Nathan smirks. “A while I suppose. That hotel you booked for us though ... that cemented it all. Even got Sonny on side after that.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “He hates me.” He says, like he’s not even talking about himself. “We know that.”

“Yeah but he knows how happy you make me. So even if he does, it doesn’t matter.”

Nathan’s hand on his arm snaps him out of it completely. He sits on the bed with him and then suddenly gasps.

“You’re not ... we didn’t even do the whole ring exchange thingy.” Nathan almost cringes and reaches into his pocket to get the box out again. There’s two that Aaron can see. He didn’t even realise that he wasn’t wearing it yet.

It happened so fast even with the warning.

“Here.” Nathan takes his hand and Aaron stares down with a soft confused smile on his face as Nathan slides the ring down his finger and he does the same.

Nathan’s ring is exactly the same as Aaron’s. Only it fits.

Aaron’s doesn’t. He yanks and twists and it’s too tight.

_Robert’s in love with you. Just you. You._

It whacks him over the head.

“Oh shit.” Nathan’s saying and Aaron shakes his head.

“It’ll be because I’m hot. Clammy.” Aaron tells him, but he takes it off all the same because maybe it isn’t.

“I’m sorry.” Nathan blurts out. “I’ll take it back, resize it.” He nods his head and Aaron shakes his.

“Don’t be stupid.” Aaron says. They sit in silence for a second and then he leans in and kisses Nathan hard. He presses him into the mattress and sees the ring on Nathan’s finger shining brightly as they move.

Aaron closes his eyes and opens them hours later to stare up at the ceiling. Nathan’s fast asleep, arm draped over him. Aaron leans over to get his phone and scrolls through messages of people congratulating him.

He smiles and then sees the letter R; he can’t help but scroll through the messages from earlier on and feel his heart thud hard in his head again. It’s why Robert does to him. He makes him feel like he’s going crazy.

Nathan makes a sound in his sleep and Aaron puts the phone down before turning over towards him. He buries his head into Nathan’s shoulder and tries to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr has changed url to: kellykadesperate if you have any questions or theories you want to shout at me about.


	24. A card

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a weekend away, Aaron is left stunned with news about Robert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks so so much for everyone commenting either on here or on tumblr. It really means a whole heap to me. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

  
Aaron lays in bed, thinks of the word content until it feels foreign on his tongue. Nathan’s holding him in close, small circles against his thumb that stop when he asks what’s the matter.

Aaron feels this pressure burst, he turns, he tells him that he’s having an affair, or he was. He tells him that it ended, and he didn’t want it to. He watches Nathan’s face change; the colour drain out into nothing. He watches until he’s suddenly sitting bolt upright in bed and realising it was all a dream anyway.

—

Aaron hears Nathan let out this slow sigh as he parks up at the office and turns the car off. It’s raining outside, the wind has picked up since they started making their way back from London. Nathan keeps banging on about it being some sort of omen.

“Look. Still raining.” Nathan shakes his head and then looks towards Aaron. “It’s you that.”

Aaron frowns. “What’s me?”

“You’ve been on that phone for the whole weekend.” Nathan says it in this way that makes Aaron heart thump.

“I do have emails to answer.” Aaron argues. Then he pulls himself up from the seat and kisses Nathan hard. “Don’t be a grump because we have to get back to reality.”

Nathan rolls his eyes. “One of us has to be. You can’t wait to get back in there.” He looks up towards the office building. “If you didn’t agree to marry me I’d think you’ve got someone waiting for you in there.”

Aaron pulls away from Nathan slightly and feels this panic hit him in his chest. “Nice.” He says.

Nathan arches an eyebrow and then looks down before opening and closing his mouth like he’s a fish. “Did you want to say yes?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “What?”

Nathan turns, seatbelt off and everything. Aaron has no idea why he’s doing this now; they’ve have a whole weekend of happiness. Aaron’s felt so lucky, he’s told himself that this is exactly what was planned.

“You said yeah, I was just ... if you had any ...”

Doubts. Aaron thinks of the word until his head spins.

Aaron sighs. “Of course I wanted to say yes.” He frowns. “Why would you even think I didn’t?”

“That pause.” Nathan looks at his hands and then shrugs. “I know you Aaron.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “You know I love you.” He leans out and holds Nathan’s face. “That’s all there is to it.” He says. “Come on, this weekend has been amazing.”

“It was raining the whole time.” Nathan says. “Didn’t even get to explore.”

Aaron shrugs. “Had a nice time in our hotel room.” He laughs, nervous and filled with something he can’t exactly explain.

Nathan pulls this face, smirks and then looks at Aaron with big eyes. His expression changes, he becomes all serious as he blinks out and then bites his lip awkwardly. “There’s nothing wrong.”

Aaron breathes in. “Is that a question?” Nathan shrugs. “We’re engaged.” It still feels like it isn’t quite happening to him. He shakes his head. “We’re engaged and I love you and I ..." Aaron pauses. He doesn’t know why.

Nathan frowns. “What?”

“Couldn’t be happier.” Aaron says, he bites his lip hard and then cups at Nathan’s face to kiss him again. “And for the record, work is the last place I want to be.”

It’s the exact truth. It’s not a lie. He doesn’t want to lie.

Nathan pulls him in, kisses him gently and then leans away. All Aaron can see is this slow curiosity begin to bloom on Nathan’s face.

“I don’t have anything to worry about then do I?”

Aaron shakes his head quickly. “No.” He says. “Nothing at all.”

—

Leyla greets him by the lifts when he gets up towards the floor. She’s all smiley and he rolls his eyes at her when she says he looks like he needed the long weekend.

“Don’t give me that look.” Leyla bats her lashes and walks with Aaron towards his desk. On instinct he looks up and sees that Robert’s not at his desk. He feels relieved. Then Leyla is sitting herself down at his desk and he’s back to concentrating. “Did you have a good time then?”

Aaron’s known Leyla for years. He wonders if she’ll know something is up if he hangs around her for longer than five minutes. The thought settles in his bones and makes him jittery about it all.

“Yeah. ‘Course. Fancy restaurant, fancier hotel.” Aaron nods his head and then pulls a face. “It did rain loads though.” He shrugs.

“Hmm there was a storm here. Count yourself lucky considering. You know.” Leyla pulls this face, and he goes to ask her what she’s on about but she’s back to talking about the engagement. “God. I could totally be your wedding planner.”

“What?” Aaron’s eyes widen. “Wedding planner? What do you know about ...”

“Organised Alicia’s hen do.”

Aaron pulls this face. “That’s not the same thing as a wedding.”

Leyla doesn’t seem to be listening to a word he says. “Where are you thinking of doing it? Stately Manor or abroad?”

Aaron gulps thickly. “What?” He shakes his head. “How is it — there’s more options than that.”

Leyla looks disgusted. “OK. Like what? If you say a registry office then I’ll kick ya.”

Aaron shrugs. He hasn’t even really thought about all of it. “Nothing mental.” He says. “Low key, nice ...” He smiles. “That’s it.”

“That’s it?” Leyla wriggles an eyebrow and Aaron just stares. “I really doubt that mother of yours is going to let you off with something lowkey.”

“Well she’ll have to.” Aaron says. “And so will you.”

“Spoilsport.” Leyla lifts herself off of the desk and then sighs. “You haven’t heard the last of this.” She disappears again and he’s left staring at his computer screen until it starts up and he finds himself knee deep in paperwork for the next half an hour.

The reality is he shouldn’t have missed yesterday considering how behind he was with work already. It’s set him back at least three days and he’s sure that Lawrence is going to have something to say about it. He tries to ignore the possibility of it happening and focus on reading.

He’s halfway through the day when he looks up again and sees that Robert’s still not sat at his chair with his head down and mumbling to himself about whatever it is he’s reading. The thought makes Aaron smile, there’s almost this ache pounding in his chest and he’s not sure that it’s going to go away any time soon.

Aaron lets himself stare at the empty seat for a couple more minutes and then turns down towards his desk again before breathing in tightly and trying to focus. He’s proud of himself when he makes it to lunch time and he’s almost finished with drafting up things that he’ll have to sign off soon. He rewards himself with a coffee downstairs and tells himself that he isn’t sticking around to wait for Robert to magically appear.

He doesn’t even want to see him. Aaron knows that if he did, it would make everything so much harder than he ever wanted things to be. It would make the walls cave in around him until they’re all crashing down, and he can’t think straight. It’d do all of that in a matter of seconds.

Yet he’s still here. Waiting.

He’s still here thinking about this incredible engagement weekend away, the laughs him and Nathan had together and how perfect it all seemed right until he was lying awake at night.

Right until he couldn’t deny things to himself anymore.

Aaron gets back to his desk at the end of his lunch break with his coffee in hand and his eyes almost burning into Robert’s desk. For a second he thinks of something crazy like Robert quitting, just leaving in the dead of night as Aaron rolled around in a bed somewhere in London.

Aaron cups his head in his hands, breathes in slightly and then there’s this tap on his shoulder and he spins to see Jimmy holding a card in one hand and a sandwich in the other.

“Just something small will do.” Jimmy waves the card in front of Aaron’s face so quickly that he can’t even read it. He looks up at Jimmy and frowns. “Also. Heard you got engaged. Thanks for the invite to the party.”

Aaron squints. “I didn’t even know about it.”

“You’ll invite us to the engagement party though right? Only Nico wants a night out and well ... that could work as one couldn’t it? Granted there’s a free bar?”

Aaron blinks quickly. “What?”

“At your official engagement party?”

“Who said we’re having one?” Aaron gulps hard and then sits up in his chest to take the card he’s going on about. It’s got a massive Get Well Soon sign over the front of it. Aaron turns it over in his hands and then watches as Jimmy goes to walk away. “Who’s this for?”

Jimmy’s already at his desk, Aaron watches him wriggle at his mouse and then stare up blankly.

Aaron waves the card out to get his attention again. “This.”

Jimmy scratches at his beard. “Oh. Robert.” He says and then he’s looking at his computer again.

Aaron’s eyes flicker, he feels this giant thump hit his chest out of nowhere and the feeling sweeps through him. “What?”

“Robert. Sugden. You know ... sits opposite you.” Jimmy waves a hand out and Aaron just stares down at his card. He feels all this blood rushing up inside of him and yet it all drains from his face. He opens the card slowly to see all these small little messages.

It’s all wishing him well; it’s all saying that they’re hoping he’s back to feeling better soon. It’s saying all this _stuff_ that’s making Aaron feel like his head is about to explode.

Aaron lets out this heavy breath. “I ... what’s wrong with him?”

Jimmy shrugs, eyes not moving from the computer. “Nasty fall I heard.”

Aaron feels his heart thumping through his face now. His eyes widen and he shakes his head, looks down at the card again and sees that his hands are shaking slightly.

“Is he OK?”

Jimmy tilts his head. “Uh. I suppose he’s on the mend. He’s been there since Sunday though so ...”

“That’s — that’s a few days.” Aaron says. He bites his lip; his mouth goes dry as he leans back against his chair and then lunges forward again. He doesn’t know what to say.

Jimmy rolls his eyes. “Listen. I said I’d sign the thing, but I had a lot on so if they anyone’s blaming me for the delay to send it then I’m sorry but I ...”

“He’s OK?” Aaron almost whispers it. Then he’s shaking his head and answering his own question. “Well no because he’s — they kept him in.”

Jimmy gives him this strange look. “I thought you knew?”

“How could I? I wasn’t here. Keep up.” Aaron snaps, feels this rage building as he spins the chair and stares at the messages again.

“Oh. Yeah. How was London Town?” Jimmy gives this jolly little look like he actually wants to know, and Aaron shakes his head. It’s so beside the point that he wants to scream.

“Doesn’t matter now.” Aaron says. “I ...” Aaron knows he can risk a freak out in front of Jimmy but then there’s Leyla walking over and him has to sort himself out.

“Could you sign that for us as soon as.” Leyla tells him, wagging a finger a little at the card.

Aaron looks up slowly. “Is he OK?”

Leyla pulls this face. “I don’t really know.” She shrugs. “That storm probably didn’t help.”

Aaron feels so lost. “Help with what? What’s ... wrong with him?”

“I don’t know.” Leyla waves a hand out. “His sister just let us know he’d been hurt badly and –”

“Badly?” Aaron breathes in, and then he runs a hand over his thigh until it’s stopped being clammy and wet. He shakes his head and then looks at the card again until she’s telling him to hurry up because she’ll have to post it. “No need.” He blurts it out.

“What do you mean, no need? It’s a card. Get well card. He needs to know the office –”

“Yeah I can drop it by his sister’s.” Aaron stands up and switches his monitor off without a second thought. “Yeah. I — Robert said she lives near Emmerdale so ... I can do it.”

Leyla looks at him like he’s mad. “Are you sure?”

Aaron nods. “Yeah. Happy to help.”

Leyla folds her arms over and still looks unsure. Aaron wants to shake her until she agrees.

“It’s the least I can do.” Aaron stammers at the sight of her frown. “You know ... long weekend, should be pulling my weight and that. I’ll make sure to do it.” He squeezes at the leather of his seat as he stands over it. “I’ll go make sure everyone’s signed it yeah?”

Aaron disappears down the hallway and then presses his face against the wall and breathes out shakily.

—

Aaron has the card limp in his hand, and he’s bent the corners of it from fidgeting whilst waiting for the lift doors to open. He’s not even sure that he’s on the right ward, he’s not even sure if Robert’s still going to be here but it’s almost like instinct is taking over now. He doesn’t have any control over the way he runs around the place like Robert is too far out of reach.

He is. Aaron suddenly realises it. Robert is too far out of reach for him to even be here. For a second he feels stupid, he realises that there’s nothing he can do or say to justify the fact that he wants to see him after what he’s done. The lift doors open, and the feeling stops. He’s back to thinking of how Robert is, being terrified about it all.

“Robert. Sugden. I need ...” The nurse is slow and controlled and he wants to race past her, but she needs answers from him. He waves the card out in his hand like it’s surely enough for her to let him through and then he stops and realises what she means. “I’m ... he’s a mate of mine.”

A mate. A friend. Someone I feel like I could say anything to.

Aaron thinks of it all until suddenly he’s realising what he can’t say, what he hasn’t said _back_. He staggers back, feels like he can’t breathe.

“Well I’m sorry but it’s only close family who are allowed to visit. He already has two family members with him if that helps, he isn’t exactly short on ...”

Aaron shakes his head. “No. You don’t understand.” He doesn’t understand himself; he just needs to see him. “I just need to know if he’s OK.” He says. “I ...”

He stops when he turns his head and sees Victoria. She looks exhausted, her arms are crossed as she charges towards him.

“What are you doing here?”

“Is he OK?” Aaron’s saying. He doesn’t give a shit about what she might think of him. He just looks towards the rooms she’s past and wonders which one is Robert’s. The nurse seems to get the hint, she answers the phone ringing on the desk, and he’s left staring at Victoria desperate for answers.

“Please. Just tell me.”

Victoria runs a hand over her face and sighs. “His ankle’s sprained. He’s cut up his calf pretty bad.”

“How?”

Victoria frowns. “The way he fell. He was bleeding out from it when he was found.”

Aaron feels something shift in his chest as he feels his back hit the wall. “ _Found_?” He shakes his head. “What do you mean?”

Victoria lets out this sigh like she’s already said too much already. “He’s OK now.” She snaps. “On the mend. So if that’s all you wanted to hear then ...”

Aaron doesn’t move. “I want to see him.” He says. He doesn’t know what he’ll say or if it will make any difference, but he wants to see him.

Victoria shakes her head strongly. “He’s resting.”

Aaron bites his lip. “I don’t care ..." He stops himself.

"Oh I know you don’t.” Victoria says. “You don’t care how it would feel for him to see you, just as long as you can get what you want.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “That’s not ... true. You have no idea how ...”

“Poor you.” Victoria snaps. A nurse passes them, and Victoria clears her throat. “I’m so sorry I have no idea how _horrible_ things are for _you_ now.”

Aaron breathes in. “I don’t care what you _think_ of me. I need to see him; I _need_ to Victoria.”

Victoria rolls her eyes. “I think we both know what you need.” She comes closer, makes Aaron push back against the wall. “Your fiancé not finding out why you’re here.” Aaron’s eyes flicker and he doesn’t know why he’s surprised. “Yeah. I know. It’s probably why he thought it was a good idea to go off by himself in the middle of a storm and nearly catch pneumonia.”

Aaron’s eyes fill with tears and he breathes in. “Pneumonia?” He breathes in, shudders slightly at what that means exactly.

“I said nearly.” Victoria seems to soften as she stares at him, soaks in his reaction. “He sloped off, still angry and upset over _you_ and he ended up out all by himself. Hurt. Are you happy now?”

Aaron scowls. “Happy? I’m ... you have no idea how much he ...”

Victoria’s eyes widen, for a second she softens. Then she clears her throat. “How much he might have needed to hear whatever you’re convincing yourself when he was laying alone in a field.” She stops herself; Aaron sees tears fill her eyes.

“Was he out all night? Alone?” Aaron’s voice hitches, breaks slightly and Victoria looks away.

“Probably when you were celebrating your engagement.” Victoria says. “Thank god our brother was there.”

“Andy found him?”

Victoria seems unnerved. “You need to leave.”

Aaron breaks from how shaken he is. “I — I said I need to see him.” He shouts.

“He won’t want to see you.” Victoria says. “Not after what you did.”

Aaron bites his lip and tries to stop from crying over this. It feels like someone is whacking him over the head. “I ...”

“Got engaged. After he told you he ...” Aaron’s eyes widen under what she knows, how _much_ she knows. “He doesn’t need you here. So go.”

Aaron looks down slowly at the bent blue envelope in his hand. He passes it over shakily and Victoria takes it. “It’s from the office. A get well soon card.”

Victoria turns it over in her hand. “If he had any sense he wouldn’t even be coming back there.” She says.

Aaron shakes his head and freezes up at the possibility. “No. He wouldn’t just leave.”

“Wouldn’t what? Do something _you_ don’t want him to.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker as he stares at her, he almost staggers at what she’s getting at. Then she’s telling him to leave again and he can’t handle it. She thinks he’s horrible, like he’s been hurting Robert since he first met him.

 _Has he?_ Aaron’s head pounds.

“Why are you saying it like that?” Aaron blurts out. “It’s not like that with us, he’s — I don’t have any control over anything.”

She mentions Nathan as she crosses her arms over again and he loses it completely. 

“You don’t know _anything_.”

“I know you’ve agreed to get married Aaron.” Victoria snaps. “I know that’s going to hurt my brother, despite how much you might not want it to.”

“Of course I don’t.” Aaron blurts out, he shakes his head and shudders again. “That’s the last thing I want.”

Victoria sighs, runs a hand over her hair again and then looks towards a room down the hall that Aaron’s sure Robert is in. “Then go, don’t make it any harder for him than all of this needs to be.” She says.

Aaron hears her echoing his own words and something aches so deep inside him. He looks down at his bare hands, where the card was, then breathes in and then out again before he nods his head slowly and turns away.

He stops when he hears someone talking to Victoria. He doesn’t turn around. He keeps looking ahead and then darts behind a wall.

“Who were you talking to love?” He hears, he thinks it might be Robert’s mum. He feels his heart thumb.

“Oh. No one. Robert’s got this card. From work.”

“What, someone dropped it off?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s nice.”

Aaron breathes in.

“Yeah. Whatever. Come on.”

Aaron hears them stop talking and then peels himself away from the wall again.

—

Aaron sits in his car for nearly half an hour as he parks outside his flat. He just stares into space and thinks about the way he convinced himself he had the right to demand to see Robert like he was his. It makes this anger rise through him and he thumps hard at the steering wheel before staring out the window and watching the rain race down and then stop.

There’s this numb feeling he can’t quite budge. It sets inside him and won’t move until he’s slipping out the car and walking towards the lifts up to his flat. He’s almost moving on autopilot until he hears the sound of his name and watches as Nigel waves towards him.

“Hey.” Aaron says. He stops pressing the buttons on the lift and watches Nigel’s face change as he looks at him.

“You look awful.” Nigel says it like it is. He tilts his head as well and Aaron runs a hand over his face. He was meant to check in the car if his face was still red and blotchy.

“I ... hard day at work.” Aaron lies. “I missed a lot yesterday so ... had to run on pure caffeine.”

Nigel nods his head slowly. “How was the weekend away?” He asks. Aaron nods his head, smiles, like that suffices as a response. Only Nigel clarifies like he wants more. “Congratulations. On the engagement.”

Aaron nods again. “Thanks.” He says. “I should be ...”

“Where’s the ring?”

Aaron stares down and then blinks. “Too small.” He says. “Getting it ... resized. Should be here soon.” He turns away again and the lifts spring open. He doesn’t even say goodbye.

He half hopes that Nathan isn’t in when he turns the door and kicks his shoes off. He just wants to lay flat on his bed and cry out whatever it is he’s feeling inside.

It’s guilt, and shame, and anger. It’s all of that.

“Hey you.” Nathan’s got his feet up on the sofa and Sonny is sitting next to him. He braces himself. “You’ve been ages.”

Aaron takes his coat off slowly and keeps his head down. “Yeah. I had loads on.” He says. “I see you ate.” He looks at the empty plates on the coffee table and Nathan nods.

“Yeah you weren’t answering your phone.” Nathan sits up. “You look shattered.”

“I am.” Aaron says.

Nathan gets up as his phone starts ringing. Aaron watches him chat away before he leaves the room. Aaron goes towards the bedroom before Sonny starts speaking.

“Congrats. I suppose. On the engagement.”

“You suppose.”

Sonny scowls. “Well. Yeah. I’m happy for my brother but ...”

“Happy he’s with such a screw up?” Aaron says. “You make no sense.”

“Neither did your pause.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and Sonny gives him this smirk that makes his face that little easier to punch. He breathes in deeply, controls himself.

“Unless you had doubts.” Sonny says. “Which if you do, I’d say now.”

“You’d love that.”

“Maybe.” Sonny argues. “But Nathan wouldn’t.”

Aaron can’t get over how correct Sonny is. It seems to make things even worse. Aaron’s saved by the way Nathan wanders back in with a smile on his face. Aaron kisses him, makes him laugh. Sonny pulls a face at both of them.

“I should go have a ...”

Nathan frowns. “I thought we could talk about the house.”

Aaron’s jaw tightens and his heart pounds. “The house you’ve basically said yes to without me?”

Sonny pulls this face like he’s picked up on the tension, does the decent thing for a change and keeps quiet.

Nathan looks so hurt. “Of course I haven’t. We can go see it tomorrow.”

Aaron shakes his head. “I’m at work.”

“After work.”

“I can’t.” Aaron snaps. He can’t because there’s Robert, and a hospital and this _need_ and feelings.

Nathan gulps hard, “Can’t or don’t want to?”

Aaron sighs. “We agreed on a _flat_ Nathan. Not a house.”

“Yeah but then price for a two-bedroom house is basically ...”

Aaron shrugs. “So what?”

Nathan sighs. “I can’t talk to you while you’re like this.” He says.

Aaron shakes his head. “We’re barely ...”

“Barely what?” Nathan’s eyes dart.

Aaron feels this elastic _snap_ in him. “We’ve _just_ got engaged. I don’t even have a ring that _fits_ me and now you’re going on about a two-bedroom house.” He shouts and then watches Nathan’s face. His eyes flicker slightly and then he leans away.

“You know what? You tell me when you’ve got it all worked out in your head yeah?” Nathan’s ring fits, it’s shiny and silver and staring right at Aaron as he waves a hand out and looks towards Sonny. “Pub?”

Sonny nods, gets towards his feet and smirks slightly like it’s all just proved to him what he’s always known.

“Nathan. Wait.” Aaron scrambles slightly, doesn’t want to be _alone_. “Don’t just ...”

“Maybe I’m done being something you pick and throw back down again when you’re not in the mood.”

Robert’s words burn bright in Aaron’s mind and he hates himself.

Aaron’s eyes widen. “What does — where’s that come from?” Sonny has this _look_ on his face and Aaron suddenly scowls at him. “Him? Just _get_ out." Aaron hurls himself towards Sonny and gets pushed back by Nathan. He staggers slightly and Nathan just shakes his head at him.

“What’s happened to you?”

Aaron’s mouth hangs open as he tries to get an answer out. Nothing comes. He just watches the door close shut, and he sits on the edge of the sofa with his head in his hands.

 _Robert happened_ ; he thinks. He doesn’t dare say the words out loud.


	25. A realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron self destructs over Robert’s rejection. Robert is stunned by Aaron’s admission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle in pals! This is a really long chapter and lots happens but I hope you enjoy. I was planning on splitting it up into two because ... Reasons but I got a few messages saying a longer chapter is preferred. I’m pretty nervous about this one so ... hopefully it’s okay! Like I said, a lot happens and just a little warning of a scene containing some violence.

  
Robert’s eyes flicker open and he sees that he’s still lying flat in the hospital bed. It feels like he’s been here for ages. He peaks down and remembers that he’s got his leg bandaged up. It makes him think about the months he’s going to spend hobbling about. It makes him think about the fact that people are going to be seeing him like this.

Certain people.

It sort of stands as a blessing; he’ll have to take time off work. At least a couple of weeks. He’s already worked it all out. He’s going to take time off and then tell Lawrence he’s found somewhere else to work, he’s been given an offer he can’t really afford to turn down. They’ll leave on good terms and he won’t ever have to sit across the desk from Aaron ever again.

The thoughts take over until he’s remembering the sound of rain and being shoved awake. There was this pain everywhere and he’s still weak from it.

The door opens slowly, and he sees someone come inside. He’s surprised by Andy standing there with this sheepish look on his face like he’s done something wrong.

It feels weird to see him, he hasn’t for ages. Andy’s beard is fuller, and he looks older, like life has been wearing him down a little. Robert almost feels sorry for him but then there’s this smirk on his face.

“You look worse than I do.”

Andy rolls his eyes, settles into Robert’s mood as he comes into the room and shakes his head. “When’s the last time you looked in the mirror?” He says. He doesn’t sit down. He just sort of hangs over the bed.

Robert’s eyes flicker. “Why are you here?” He asks. He doesn’t remember much; he was asleep almost all of yesterday, but he definitely knows that only Sarah and Victoria were here with him.

Andy looks down. “Mum was in a state.” He shrugs. “A really bad state. She thought you were dead.”

Robert frowns. “I just fell. It wasn’t ...” He sighs. “Did she find me?”

Andy sighs. “No. I did.” He says. Robert sobers a little and the tension between them rises and falls at the exact same time. “Who told you to be putting up stone walls for mum when a storm was coming?”

Robert sighs, almost smiles. “I was being helpful.”

Andy squints. “Doesn’t sounds like you.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “Maybe I wanted to just focus on something, keep myself busy. Does that sound more like me?”

Andy arches an eyebrow. “Doing stupid things to keep your mind off of other stupid things you’ve done? Yeah. Sounds about right to me.”

Robert nearly laughs again, but instead his sides pinch and he closes his eyes. He’s back to feeling rain hit his face and the clouds closing in around him.

“Is mum OK now?

Andy nods. He looks outside. “She’s in the canteen with Vic. They thought you had pneumonia.” Robert’s eyes widen slightly. “You were out for ages in that storm so ... but you don’t so she’s back to blaming you for being an idiot.”

Robert sighs gently. “Good.” He whispers. Andy still hangs over him and he blinks gently. “So you’re here because you thought ... I was dead?”

Andy looks away, clears his throat. “Mum rang. That’s why.”

“Come to gloat then?”

Andy gulps hard and stares at Robert. “Aren’t we a bit old for all that?”

“Speak for yourself.” Robert says, like he can’t quite help it. Andy turns to leave, and Robert calls him back. “I’m sorry. Look. Thanks for coming.” He says. “I mean it.”

Andy’s eyes flicker. “We do well at staying away from each other. But.” Robert looks up, hopeful. “I don’t want you dead.”

“Just slightly injured?”

Andy nods slowly, he’s almost smiling. “Yeah. Maybe more than slightly sometimes.” He says. Robert nods his head at him and then watches him leave. 

He doesn’t expect anything more. He wasn’t even expecting this but it’s something that he’s glad has happened. He settles under the way it went.

—

Robert sighs hard and sits up on the bed. He’s been here for three days now and he’s rather be in his own home eating something that doesn’t taste both brunt and cold at the same time.

He’s thankful when Vic comes in to tell him that they’re only waiting for the doctor to come round and sign his papers so he can leave.

Robert sighs. “About time.” He says, mainly because all of this seems so dramatic and he’d rather just get over being caught up in a storm out of the comfort of his own bed.

Vic arches an eyebrow at him. “You could have died.”

Robert groans as he sits up. “But I didn’t.” He says. “Just whacked my head and ... hurt my ankle.”

“Sprained.” Vic tells him. Robert doesn’t bother to reply. He tilts his head against the pillow and looks up at the bright shining lights. “You’ll be out of here soon. Then on bed rest.”

Robert gulps hard. “I don’t think I’d mind that. Away from ... the office.” He’s not going to pretend that he’s not thought about Aaron. He has. He’s been replaying the last time he saw him over and over in his mind for too long.

He thought about him as he was laying out in his mum’s farm, and the wind and rain was picking up. He thought about him before he couldn’t think about anything else and his eyes were closed.

“Yeah.” Vic says slowly. Then she looks towards his bedside table at the blue envelope. “That’s from the office.”

Robert frowns. “How did that get there?” Vic doesn’t say anything. “I take it owls didn’t send it in.” He looks at it, and then opens it up slowly. He scans over messages and doesn’t see anything from Aaron. There’s this thump in his chest.

“It was Aaron.”

 _Oh_.

Robert gulps thickly. “He was here?”

“He wanted to see you.” Vic says. “I think the card was just an excuse.”

Robert’s eyes flicker gently. “Right. How did he ...” He stops himself. “You sent him packing then?”

Vic nods awkwardly. “I figured you wouldn’t want to see him.” She says. “Or you’d want to but it’s not what you need.”

Robert closes his eyes. “Don’t get all deep on me Vic.”

“I’m just looking out for you.” Vic says, and it’s not like he disagrees with her. It’s just difficult to hear someone else’s view on what’s going on in his own head. “I know what Aaron means to you and ...”

Sarah pulls the door open suddenly. She’s got two coffees in her hand and a worried look on her face. “Who’s Aaron then?”

Robert’s mouth is wide open, and he looks at Vic and then at his mum. He doesn’t say anything.

“Well I heard you now love so you might as well carry on.” Sarah says, more like pesters really.

Robert’s suddenly too ill to talk, he shakes his head and says it’s no one and then Sarah’s asking if it was the bloke who came to drop off the card.

“You saw him?”

Sarah nods. “Well the back of his head.” She says, then she looks between Vic and Robert. “I take it you ...”

“He’s ... someone I was seeing.” It’s a nice neat sort of thing to say to summarise how messed up everything is. He thinks it’ll be enough. He’s off his head.

“Was?” Sarah says with this cautious smile on her face that Robert doesn’t even want to see. He thinks about if Aaron and her would get on well and then stops.

“Yeah. Was. He’s ...” Robert looks at Vic for help.

“It’s complicated.” Vic says, she shrugs and then leans over to get the coffee from Sarah. She sips slowly and then Robert plays with his hands.

“So you know him?” Sarah says to Vic. “How?” Then she looks at Robert. “You told your sister then?”

“Yep.” Robert says. “Regrettably.” He scowls at Vic because he knows she’s seconds away from getting all this drop feeding of information over with and just blowing the whole thing.

“So he sent you a card. Old fashioned but ...” Sarah scoots closer to Robert and has a hand against his. She squeezes down. He looks at her and then away again.

“It was from work. We work together.”

Sarah nods. “Oh yeah. Right that ... makes sense. Tad complicated but ...”

Robert scoffs. “You don’t know the half of it.”

Sarah sobers. “What do you mean by that?” She asks. “Did it end badly?”

Robert bites his lip.

“You could say that.”

Robert looks up at Vic and scowls at her response. “It’s still fresh. It ...”

“Well tell me about him.” Sarah says. Robert looks away and she only carries on. “Love. You’re in a hospital bed, there’s nowhere you can really run off to.”

“Nice.” Robert says dryly. “Is that how it is?”

Sarah frowns faintly. “Now you’re worrying me.” She says. “What’s the issue with me knowing about this lad? I just want to ...”

“He’s engaged mum.” Robert says it quickly, completely stops the conversation short because he knows he has to. Sarah’s face falls slightly.

“He’s what?”

“Engaged. As in, he said yes to his boyfriend when he asked him to marry him. So.” Robert looks down, waits for her to start saying something. She doesn’t. Sarah leans back on the chair and then looks up at him after a second.

“Engaged? So he’s having an affair, with you?”

Robert nods his head slowly.

“And he’s engaged.”

Robert doesn’t know why it’s seemingly harder for her to wrap her head around it. He lets out this short nod and then sighs. “Yes.” He says. “It ... a couple of days ago.”

Sarah tilts her head. “So that’s why you’ve been so quiet, why you wanted to constantly be on your own, _farm_.”

“Yeah. It messed with my head.”

Sarah looks confused. “So you’ve been having an affair and then he’s just got ...”

“Yes mum.” Vic says. “I can’t take the E word being said anymore.”

Sarah lets out this small sound. “How long have ...”

Robert shrugs. “Months.” He breathes in. “He’s not like ... it’s not like before, with Katie. It isn’t mum. I just want you to know that I’m causing trouble or ...”

“Hey.” Sarah leans over, squeezes his hand. “I don’t think that. I don’t.” She strokes his arm. “Oh love, come here.”

After a few minutes, Sarah stops hugging him and he tells her the basics of what him and Aaron are. He tells her things he’s wanted to for ages. His hardness softens for just a second and it stays like that until he’s saying that he actually loves him, that Aaron is someone he loves and he’s not going to be getting over it any time soon.

The thought takes over.

“I could swing for him.” Sarah says. She’s all red, practically vibrating. “What’s he playing at? Messing around with you when he’s ...”

“It takes two. Yeah he did the chasing, but I hardly stopped him did I?” Robert sighs hard. “It’s not all down to him.”

“Agreeing to get married is.” Vic says. She sits with one leg up on the seat and the other swinging off. He sighs hard gently.

“I’m the one who promised not to let this happen. Get all serious.” Robert says. He stares at his mum and then at Vic again. “Not after Katie.” He’s suddenly happy that Andy isn’t here. He shuffles uncomfortably. “I said that to him because I didn’t want him to ... to say he loved me like she did, get my hopes up and for everything to ... become this.”

Sarah sighs. “So it’s over? You ended it?”

Robert nods.

“Well good.”

Robert looks up sharply and her mum nods her head.

“It’s best if you leave it how it is, isn’t it?” She looks at Vic and he smiles at how out of touch she seems about all of this. He can’t remember the last time he went to his mother about his love life. “I’m not having him hurt you anymore than he has.”

Robert blinks gently against her words and then nods. She’s right. He knows.

—

Aaron waits for Nathan to leave for work before he gets out of bed. Nathan slept on the sofa last night, came in well after midnight and yet he’s still out bright and early.

It’s not like Aaron doesn’t want to see him, he just knows that if he does, he’ll probably break down and cry or something. His emotions are almost staggering him. All he can think about is Robert.

He knows he has to apologise to Nathan later, he knows that instead of bottling up his worries he needs to actually tell Nathan what’s wrong with them buying a house. It all sounds pretty straightforward.

Aaron knows what he has to do but instead he’s calling in sick for a work, putting on a scratchy voice and then jumping in the shower. He’s out of the house within half an hour, parked at the hospital another twenty minutes later.

Aaron’s hands drum against the wheel of the car and then he’s leaving the car, slamming the door shut and marching in the direction he went yesterday. There’s another woman at the reception, this time he doesn’t hesitate. He can’t.

“He’s my boyfriend.” Aaron tells her, he bites his lip hard and then gulps hard as she tells him where to go. It was easier than he expected. The words just fell out of his mouth so easily.

He walks towards the door and sees Robert through the window. He’s laying out on the bed, Aaron suddenly realised that of course he would be. He’s hardly going to be prancing around the place. The blinds are parted, and Aaron suddenly backs away as quickly as he can.

He thinks of Robert’s sister seeing him. He thinks of Robert’s mum being nearby. There’s this thumping in his chest that tells him to question why he should even be here, what good is any of this going to actually do. The thought boils over until his feet are walking towards the door again and then pushing through.

Robert’s laying there, he looks bored out of his mind as he stares at the ceiling. He’s alone. Aaron’s thankful and worried at the exact same time.

For a second or two, Robert doesn’t even look up. He just plays with his hands and then sighs.

“Can I leave now then?”

Aaron’s eyes widen and words get stuck to the back of his throat. He doesn’t know what to say until Robert is suddenly looking at him.

“I needed to see you.”

Robert sits up, almost scrambles to. “What are you doing here?” He asks. Aaron just stares at him; he’s got a nasty cut on his head and a bruising under his cheek.

“I — I just had to see you.”

“You should go.” Robert tells him. He looks around the room. “Why’d you come here?” He shakes his head; his heart is beating so fast. “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?” Aaron’s eyes are wet. “I just had to ... you were hurt.” He blurts out. “I didn’t know what to think.”

Robert shrugs. “I had an accident.” He says. “Nothing major.”

“Your sister said you were out all night, said you’d ... you could have died.” Aaron bites his lip; he’s struggling to think of what else to say. “I’m so sorry.”

Robert squeezes his eyes shut. “Don’t.”

Aaron breathes in sharply. “I mean it.”

“What good does that do? You coming here and telling me you’re _sorry_?” Robert scoffs. “I don’t want your sorry. Take it. Leave.”

Aaron shakes his head. “I can’t just leave.” He says, the idea is insane to him. It’s not because he’s driven all the way here, it’s because he’s not been able to sleep all night and he knows why.

He knows.

“Why?” Robert asks. “Actually don’t ... don’t answer that.” He shudders. “I don’t want you here.”

Aaron’s face falls. “Robert.” He comes forwards. “Please don’t tell me to go.”

“You didn’t have any trouble on Saturday.” Robert says. “After _everything_ I said to you.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. He doesn’t know what to say for a second and then he’s shaking his head. “My head was all over the place.”

“ _Your_ head.” Robert says. “I was standing there begging you not to get engaged and you just did it anyway.”

Aaron gulps hard. He looks down at his bare hand and then up again. His confusion is everywhere.

“Leyla filled me in. Don’t worry.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you finding out like that.” He says. Only Robert knows he said it just before he left, he knows that _when_ he says it, it doesn’t mean what Robert wants it to.

“And what?” Robert spits. “I’m meant to say it doesn’t matter, meant to — to kiss you and drag you into bed again.”

“No.” Aaron’s saying. He’s shaking his head. “Of course not. I know I’ve messed this up so badly.”

Robert shakes his head again. “You don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be here. You’d be staying away from me.”

Aaron wipes at his face. “That’s the thing. I can’t.”

Robert bows his head. “I told you I ...” He clears his throat. “And you _left_. You went back to your boyfriend and said you wanted to marry him.”

Aaron looks down.

“Where’s the ring?” Robert looks at Aaron’s bare hand properly, takes it in.

Aaron closes his eyes. “It’s — it didn’t fit.”

Robert scoffs. He’s almost smirking and then he just looks sad again. “How ironic. Too small was it? Suffocating?”

“Don’t.” Aaron bites. “I’m not here to talk about him. I came to ...”

“To _what_?”

“To tell you I can’t _lose_ you.” Aaron shouts. He’s sure a nurse walks past and looks in like she’s concerned. She’s not the only one. He’s concerned that he can’t ever get things out right, say how he feels.

It just drops out and Robert’s face drops. Aaron stares at him. He doesn’t look away. It’s like he’s realised what he has to do, confess.

“Aaron.” Robert says his name, he only says his name, but it’s weighted with so much.

“I know that. I knew it as soon as I walked away like I did on Saturday.” Aaron frowns. “As soon as you told me you couldn’t do it anymore after Nathan showed up at the hotel. I knew.”

Robert freezes. He wants to ask what Aaron’s trying to say but at the same time he wants him to stop. “I’m not yours to lose Aaron. You made that choice.” He says. “When you agreed to marry someone else.”

“He’s not enough.” Aaron whispers, he’s panicking, and Robert just stares up at him with wide eyes. “I don’t think he ever has been.”

Robert breathes in and then shakes his head. He moves out of Aaron’s hold. “Go tell someone who cares.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Please let me ...”

“I shouldn’t have said what I did.” Robert tells him. “I shouldn’t have said any of it.”

Aaron’s eyes are wet. “What?”

“I don’t ... what I said. I don’t. I don’t love you.” Robert tells him. Aaron shakes his head firmly. “I mean it.”

“Now who’s the liar.” Aaron says. He wipes at his face and hurries closer. “I deserve this, I _get_ this but ... it’s not true. You don’t have to do this.”

Robert looks up. “You’re right. I don’t have to have you here either so just go.”

“I can’t.”

“I need you to go Aaron.”

“Robert.” Aaron says his name. He’s not even exactly sure what he was hoping to achieve by coming here. He just knows that he can’t have any of this stop.

“Go.”

Aaron stares for second and then he’s sniffling, wiping at his face and leaving again.

—

The lights are making everything fuzzier than Aaron can handle. He has a drink in his hand and he’s staring at himself through the glass mirror of the bar. He hates what he sees. It makes him feel like he’s going to be sick.

He really is. There’s bile rising in his throat and he closes his eyes around how much he thinks of Robert when he’s like this.

Robert battered and bruised and hurt in all these ways because of him.

Aaron thinks of how he saw him, he thinks of how he stood so close to him and said that Nathan, his fiancé, isn’t enough. He said that, he said that. It came out of his mouth and Robert told him to leave and he had every single right to.

Robert pushed him away, Aaron left kicking and screaming in his mind. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t say half the things he wanted to say.

He didn’t say the thing that changes everything.

He didn’t because it wouldn’t make any sense. How could it make _any_ sense at all?

Aaron sips his drink, then gulps hard and slams it down on the bar before waving down the bartender for another. He’s not been refused yet. It’s a bonus.

There’s this pounding in his head when he tips back his head and feels his throat close up around the alcohol. His head twists around and then he looks at someone from across the room. He’s tall, blonde, his arse is nicer than Aaron expected. He looks at him, up and down and then up again. Then he spins himself around again and waits.

Two minutes later, the bloke is right next to him. He’s tilting his head to the side and Aaron takes in his eyes. They’re not green. They’re brown, dark and mysterious. Only Aaron doesn’t want to even look at him.

He doesn’t want him. Nathan doesn’t want him; Robert doesn’t want him. It’s like there’s nothing else he can actually think about. It’s just that this idiot isn’t Robert.

“Can I buy you a drink?” The bloke says. Aaron just stares at him; he wants to say yes and no at the same time. He thinks about grabbing hold of the guy’s top and pushing him into the toilets, making the most of what this is here and now.

It’s a shag. It’s Aaron being himself when things get too much.

The guy’s name is Charlie, he says it like Aaron’s meant to care. He doesn’t. He doesn’t care about anything when he’s in this state, it’s always been like that. It’s why he’s pulling Charlie outside and against a brick wall. It’s why he’s shoving his tongue down Charlie’s throat, feeling hands latch around his belt.

It’s this for a second. It’s this and then it’s Nathan absolutely hating him and Robert being _so_ far away from him in all the ways that matter.

Aaron shoves off of Charlie, nearly pushes him into the wall as he tells him to fuck off with just his face. He doesn’t want him.

“You just pulled me out ...”

“Yeah. I know. But I don’t ...” Aaron wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, he feels his beard graze over his skin, and he shudders. “Just piss off.”

“Piss off?” Charlie says. “Hey, are you ...”

Aaron feels tears in his eyes. They nearly fall down his face, but he drops his head. He runs a hand over his face, rough, harsh. It hurts.

He looks up and sees blonde hair and these eyes that aren’t quite right. It’s not _right_. Neither is the hand over against his arm, it doesn’t matter that it’s kind, nice, trying to see if he’s OK.

It doesn’t matter so he suddenly swings his fist up and it connects straight to the bloke’s face. It staggers him at first, but then he’s being pushed back and he’s feeling an ache and a thump and a pounding in his head and then in his fists as they tousle.

He’s being pushed against the wall and the world spins out of motion. He feels like he’s going to faint when there’s these strong arms pulling at him. He’s being dragged away; he’s basically kicking and screaming and Charlie’s a lot worse than what he looks like. He thinks about what he’s just done and what they makes him.

He thinks who he is when things are like this. There’s this cloud, heavy with rain about to burst. It’s him, it’s him and Robert and the fact that he doesn’t know what he can do to make things better.

Then there’s himself. Aaron’s being hauled into the nightclub; someone says something about the police. He thinks about Nathan. He thinks about Robert lying flat on his back in the cold, almost dying.

He leans forward, suddenly sick. Someone’s shouting at him, saying something about what he thinks he’s doing. He wants to tell him he doesn’t know.

Aaron, with everything he has, wants to tell Robert that he doesn’t know what he’s doing but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want him. He does. he wants him so much it feels like he can’t breathe when they’re like this. He can’t breathe and things go wrong and he’s no good for anyone. His knuckles sting and he can’t even cheat on his fiancé without thinking of _him_ first.

Aaron stands, he’s in the nightclub one second and then he sees the bloke he’s just fought with outside. His face is bruised, bloody. He looks like he’ll need stitches.

“I’m — I’m ...”

“You’re a fucking head case.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. He nods. He says he’s sorry and then Charlie’s being decent and saying that he can’t tell the police anything anyway because there were no witnesses sober enough to see anything.

And Aaron’s grateful. It pours through him, seeps out through the scared look on his face and the way Charlie disappears. He just goes or maybe he thunders past Aaron. It happens so quickly, in a blur. It’s all a blur until Aaron’s sitting on a park bench and holding some tissues uselessly up towards where he’s bleeding under his right eye.

He thinks of explaining this to Nathan. He thinks of Nathan hating him, again.

He thinks of the fact that Nathan’s not enough because he _isn’t_. He loves him, he really loves him and yet it’s not enough.

It’s not because there’s Robert. There’s Robert, and he’s in love with him and it doesn’t even seem to matter anymore.

Aaron watches the sky become impossibly darker. It stretches out towards the moon. It’s large. Yellow. Cream maybe. It’s staring down at him and Aaron places his head in his hands.

 _I love you_.

Aaron should have said.

_I love you, and I’m terrified and it’s going to make all of this so much harder, but I do. I do._

“I do.”

—

Aaron wakes up with his face down against the mattress. He’s almost suffocating himself but the sound of someone outside the hotel manages to stir him upright.

His knuckles ache. His face fucking aches. He’s not about to blame anyone but himself though, he supposes, deep down somewhere, that it’s progress. Sonny’s not the problem, neither is Nathan or Robert. It’s him. It’s all him.

Aaron drags out a sigh and turns over his phone to see whatever he sent Nathan late last night. For a second, he’s scared he’s said something he shouldn’t have. He thinks of Robert’s name, if his muddled mind told him something he shouldn’t have.

Aaron’s shoulders relax when he sees that he’s only told him he’s staying out, he replaced letters with numbers and Nathan’s text him back telling him to keep safe. Aaron sits up, almost expecting more from him. He’s pathetic. He really is.

Aaron still has his phone in his hand when he scrolls to the letter R and sees Robert’s messages from weeks ago. He thinks for a second about whether he made him happy or if that was in his head.

Everything around him makes him feel pretty certain that all he’s done is cause Robert misery. Aaron kicks his legs out of the duvet and goes to inspect his face. It’s not as bad as he thought it would look but he still makes sure to raid a pharmacy before he heads off to nowhere.

He doesn’t have his car. He must have left it at the club.

It’s a rainy Saturday morning and he could walk in one direction, he could head home, he could face Nathan and actually sit down and discuss what’s wrong with their relationship.

Aaron sticks a hand in his pocket, runs the other over his face and realises that he’s not able to run from what he knows. It’s so _deeply_ ingrained in him now that it’s almost impossible to pretend.

He can’t. He can’t so he won’t.

Aaron walks in the opposite direction back towards the club, spots his car and starts driving.

—

Robert should be settled in his own bed with his feet up, but he isn’t. Instead he’s at his mum’s sipping on a cup of tea because she doesn’t want him struggling by himself. It makes him feel vulnerable. He’d protest but it’s his mum and she’s spoiling him.

They sit together for a while. Vic’s headed to work by now. Robert hasn’t told them about Aaron slipping in to visit him. He doesn’t even want to bring it up, so he pretends like it didn’t happen. Instead, Sarah’s talking about how Andy ended up saving him. It’s like she can’t hide her happiness about it all. He tells her that they spoke and didn’t just hurl insults at each other. It’s enough to satisfy her.

He sits watching some crime thriller with her for another hour until she’s helping him up the stairs to sleep for a while. The next thing he hears when he opens his eyes is the sound of talking at the front door.

“Are you OK love?”

Robert sits up straighter and then he hears the sound of low mumbling.

It’s Aaron. He can hear him. He didn’t think he had the balls to actually show up here.

“I’m looking for Robert.” Aaron fidgets, stares at who he assumes is Robert’s mum. He thinks about the fact she probably thinks he’s some down and out, wanting help from her or something. He clears his throat, thinks about the fact that those lotions were meant to make his face look semi normal. He suddenly smiles, tries not to act nervous. He wants her to like him.

“Right.” Sarah nods her head, crosses her arms over.

Aaron looks around awkwardly. “I’m a friend. He wasn’t at his place, I know he ... his mum lives here.”

“I think I know who you are.” Sarah uncrosses her arms; she suddenly looks sterner. “Aaron? Right?”

Aaron’s face falls. “Look. I don’t know how much you know but ...”

“As much as I need to I think.” Sarah shakes her head. “He’s asleep. Resting. He doesn’t need you messing with his head.”

Aaron shakes his head quickly. “No. Please. I’m not trying to.”

“You’re engaged love.” Sarah says. “To someone else. Does he know you’re here?” Aaron goes to speak. “No. Of course not.”

Aaron gulps. “I know how it sounds.” He bows his head. “I promise I’m not here because I want to hurt him, it’s the opposite. It’s the opposite of that.”

Robert shuts his eyes tightly and breathes in. He thinks about how wrong Aaron was yesterday when he said what he did, he was so wrong that Robert didn’t even bother telling anyone about it.

He’s imagined Aaron running back home to Nathan, having sex with him to make himself feel better or something. The thought was on his mind the whole night, it was like Robert couldn’t escape it.

Sarah takes in his words. She seems rational enough, but she doesn’t budge. “I think you don’t know how sensitive he can be over this.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. He thinks of what Robert revealed, he thinks of this affair he’s had. It makes Aaron take a step back. He has to take a step back. For a second, he thinks he should bolt, just do a runner.

It would be easier.

“I know him.” Aaron whispers. His eyes are hazy under the weight of how much all of this is. He just wants to run past her and find Robert and put a stop to how he’s been feeling. He just wants it all stop. “Please. Just let me speak to him.”

Sarah sighs. She goes to speak, say something that Aaron probably deserves to hear.

“Mum just let him in.” Robert says. He sighs hard as he gets to the bottom of the stairs and Sarah turns towards him in surprise.

“Darling ...”

“I’m a big boy.” Robert looks everywhere Aaron isn’t. He keeps his head bowed, clears his throat.

“I’m going out to get us something for tea.” Sarah says, like it’s reason enough for her to leave. Aaron’s shoulders relax as she reaches for her bag and then stops, turns back to her son. “Aren’t you tired love?”

“He won’t go anywhere until we’ve spoke.” Robert says, like Aaron’s not in the room. Aaron waits, a small frown on his face until Sarah is moving past him.

“I won’t be long.” Sarah says, in a tone that makes Robert know that he should be gone by the time she’s back. “I hope you know what you’re doing.” She says to Robert, it comes out harsh, so she smiles slightly before leaving.

The sound of the door closing fills the room until Aaron is stepping into the cottage and looking around. He spots a picture of a little boy, a mop of blonde hair and chubby cheeks.

“Is that you?”

Robert holds out a hand out on the banister and supports himself. “Yeah.” He nods. He doesn’t bother looking up at Aaron.

“Your dad holding you?” Aaron asks. Robert nods his head again and Aaron stares at the man in the cap who’s staring at Robert in the picture. “You look ...”

“I told you to leave.” Robert tells him. He finally looks up and his eyes widen under the state of Aaron’s face. “What the fuck happened to you?”

Aaron steps back. “Oh.” He says. He touches is face almost subconsciously. “This. I ...” Robert looks so worried. “I had a fight.”

Robert frowns. “With Nathan?”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “No of course not.” He says. “No ... just some guy at a bar. He was ... I said ...”

Robert’s eyes flicker. He gets it. “Right.” He whispers. “Right so you were getting off with someone and then you got bored.”

Aaron closes his eyes shut. “It wasn’t like that.”

“What? So he hurt you?” Robert says seriously. He’s still got his hand against the banister for support. “Aaron.”

“No. I just pushed him away. I couldn’t do it.” Aaron looks down. “You said they’d be others but there can’t be.” He looks up into Robert’s eyes. “There can’t.”

Robert gulps thickly. “Guilty conscience then.”

Aaron’s eyes widen again. “You nearly died.” He says. “I just ... I didn’t know what to do ...”

“So you go and cheat on your fiancé some more?” Robert snaps at Aaron. “You could have got yourself killed. Look at the state ...”

Robert comes further into the room and misses his footing. Aaron lunges forward, holds Robert up. Their hands lock into each other’s and Aaron squeezes down gently before helping Robert sit on the patterned sofa. He doesn’t know whether to join him or not. He hovers over him.

“Look at your face.” Robert says.

“It’s pretty hard without a mirror.” Aaron says, almost teasing. He sobers once Robert closes in on the scab forming around his right knuckle. “I’m fine. I’m not here about me.”

Robert breathes in. “I didn’t want you to be here at all. I told you …”

“When have I ever listened to anything you say.”

“Yeah. There was that time you got engaged when I begged you not to.” Robert snaps a little, realises that the words seem bitter and then he gulps hard around it like he wishes he hadn’t have mentioned the inevitable. It’s crashed the whole thing back to Earth.

“And now I’m ... I’m going mad about it.” Aaron whispers. Robert looks up slowly.

“Did you want to get hurt? Is that why you ...”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he’s wrapped up in the way Robert knows him. He watches as Robert watches him, carefully considering every bruise and scratch that last night’s antics have given him.

Aaron bites at his gum, shrugs. “A little.” Robert looks away. “I just wanted to feel something other than ...”

“Guilt?”

“Hurt.” Aaron trips on his words. His eyes are suddenly wet. “This ... emptiness. I didn’t ...”

Aaron realises he has Robert’s full attention and then realises just as quickly that he doesn’t deserve any of it. He wants to tell him to go back upstairs and pretend he didn’t ever hear him come in.

He doesn’t do that though. Instead he waits. He just waits until he has his breath back and he can try and say what he needs to.

“I meant what I said. I can’t lose you.”

Robert blinks gently and feels all the emotions from yesterday come up to hit him like a wave. “I meant what I said too.” He says slowly, carefully. “I’m not yours to lose. You’re not mine. You can’t say that stuff to me.” He shudders. “I had the — the nerve to tell you not to get married to someone you’ve been with longer than I’ve even known you.”

Aaron’s eyes are wet again. “But you did because — because you knew.” He blurts out. He shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut. “You knew that ...”

Robert gulps. Aaron can hear it, it’s so loud. “That what?”

Aaron’s eyes glaze over towards the knitted curtains on the window. The small trinket that hangs and would be swaying if the windows were wide open and there was a helpful breeze in the air. There isn’t though. The air is stifling. Aaron’s back is sticky with sweat, he should really take his jacket off.

“I felt the same.” Aaron breathes in tightly and Robert’s face falls. He shakes his head, tells Aaron to stop with just his eyes. “But I was too ... I tried to push you away. It was easier.”

Robert bounces his left knee lightly and keeps his head down. He doesn’t say anything. It’s almost like he thinks if he tries hard enough, Aaron will just leave. It’s not going to happen; Aaron wants to tell him.

He almost does. The words almost come out but instead he buckles, bottles it. He ends up crouching down nearer to Robert and staring up into his eyes.

“Nathan isn’t enough.” Aaron says, after what feels like years of trying to. “The thought of losing you ... I couldn’t handle it. No way.” He says, his eyes are wet again. He needs to get a grip. “Not now.”

“Now you thought I nearly died?” Robert goes to stand and then Aaron’s pulling him back down.

“I’ve fallen in love you with you.”

Robert’s frozen. He just stares at Aaron’s hands against his waist. He’s crouching down and Robert is leaning up over him, he was going to get up and leave the room and now he’s stuck. He’s looking at the way Aaron’s still staring up at him with wet blue eyes.

“I broke that promise too.”

“Aaron.” Robert says, it’s heavy as he speaks.

“I love you. I do.” Aaron nods his head. “So I can’t walk away from this. No matter what.”

Robert sits down slowly; he looks down at the carpet and he can hear the way Aaron is breathing all funny. He thinks about the war Aaron’s dragged himself through just to say those words. He doesn’t have to think too hard. Aaron’s face says a lot, so does his knuckles.

“Say something then.” Aaron blurts out, he clears his throat and then comes forward. “Please.”

Robert bites his lip. “Nathan.” He whispers. “You’re engaged.” He shakes his head.

“It doesn’t stop how I feel.” Aaron holds out his hands and squeezes Robert’s thigh, makes him look up towards him. “It’d be different. Me and you ... it’s different to me and him. It’s separate.”

Robert looks down. “How can you ...” He breathes out deeply. “How can it be?”

Aaron bites his lip. “When it’s us ... it’s us.” He cups Robert’s face; Robert doesn’t resist, and it sends butterflies through Aaron’s stomach. “That’s what I want, right now. I want you.”

Robert scoffs. It’s filled with this sadness as he bows his head. “You have him.”

Aaron shudders and suddenly he’s leaning closer. Robert sees the way he’s got tears in his eyes still, how some of them are falling. “I want you.” He whispers again, and it’s the only thing that seems to make sense now. He lifts his head, tilts it and hovers his mouth close to Robert’s before Robert is finally pressing forward. He’s kissing him gently and then all at once until it’s difficult to breathe.

Robert pulls away first. He has his hands against Aaron’s shoulders and then he’s leaning his forehead right against Aaron’s. He has his eyes closed and Aaron savours the moment for a second. It feels like it’s been so long. It could nearly never have happened again if Robert didn’t pull through.

Aaron’s petrified of what Robert’s going to say so he starts speaking as quickly as he can. “I love you.” He says again. “We both promised we wouldn’t ... and everything is complicated but it’s the truth.”

“Is it?” Robert says. Aaron nods his head. “Because you’ve got someone Aaron and I’ve been here before.”

Aaron frowns slightly and remembers what Robert told him on Saturday. He sits back on his heels and then looks up at Robert with round eyes. His hands are still shaky, along with his throat but he tries to listen.

“Tell me.” Aaron says. Robert looks towards the window. “Was it ...” Aaron starts a sentence, but it ends up going nowhere.

“It ended badly.” Robert says. “So I told myself I’d never let ... never be in this position again.”

“He hurt you?” Aaron whispers.

Robert closes his eyes. “She.”

Aaron’s mouth open and closes like a fish and he apologises. Robert tells him not to worry, says it doesn’t matter.

“She was ...” Robert starts and then Aaron’s nodding his head along reassuringly. “My — my brother’s girlfriend, then fiancé.” Aaron’s eyes are wide, and his face sort of drops and Robert wonders if he hates him suddenly. “I was a teenager. At first I was doing it to get back at Andy for what he’d done to me and mum but then ... then she was everything to me and it didn’t matter that I loved her.“

“What do you mean?” Aaron asks. He plays with this hands and then waits for Robert to answer him.

“She didn’t choose me.” Robert shrugs. “It all came out and she didn’t choose me in the end. I wasn’t who she wanted to be with.”

Aaron frowns. “What and your brother ..."

“Took her back. Eventually.” Robert rolls his eyes. “He loved her, wasn’t going to let me ruin it.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “I don’t know ...”

“What to say?” Robert sighs. “I never wanted you to know any of this.”

Aaron frowns up at Robert. “Why not?” He questions. “We’ve told each other things, so many things. I ...”

“I didn’t want you thinking that I’m some needy bloke who’s going to fall in love with you.”

Aaron thinks of every time he called Robert clingy, shouted out things he didn’t mean because he couldn’t handle how much he wanted to be around Robert all the time. It makes his head spin.

“Or like I’m that guy, that mean, underhand guy who sleeps with his brother’s ...” Robert shakes his head. “Weak or sly.” He shrugs. “I hate either option.”

“I don’t see that.” Aaron says. Robert doesn’t believe him; he says as much just by the look on his face. Aaron soaks it in. “Honest.” He says. He leans out and he’s holding Robert’s hand. “This ... me and you are different. It’s different when I’m with you. It’s so different.”

Robert allows himself to smile gently.

“I’m not going to deny that anymore. I promise.”

“Don’t make me promises Aaron.”

“OK. Whatever you want. I’ll do.” Aaron’s saying quickly. “If you want me to go, I’ll go.”

“You think I want that?” Robert asks. Sometimes Aaron’s so blind to what’s so obvious. “It’d be easier if I did. But it’s you ... you’re ... I don’t know how to stop feeling all this stuff for you.” Aaron gives him this look. He squeezes down on his hand.

“I know the feeling.”

Robert clears his throat. “You won’t leave him.” He says. “I know that. You ...” He knows what he wants to say. He wants to say that Aaron’s not ready, that he’s only just been able to accept that he loves Robert. It’s a step in the right direction. Robert can take that as something.

Aaron breathes in. “We don’t mention ... anything else.” He doesn’t even say Nathan’s name, he’s kidding himself if he thinks that they’ll be able to just live like this. “When it’s you and me it’s you and me.”

Aaron thinks of it almost like some weird double life. He sits on the floor and stares up at Robert with this determined look on his face. He thinks about marrying Nathan and still not letting Robert go. He thinks about the fact that Robert is the type to cheat with his brother’s wife out of some twisted revenge. It adds to what he knows and yet he still is agreeing to all of it if it means he gets to stay with Robert.

“Just me and you.” Aaron whispers. He shakes his head. “I can’t lose you.”

“I can’t lose you either.” Robert tells him. He leans down, and then Aaron’s wrapping his arms around him tightly. He kisses Robert’s head, runs a hand over Robert’s back and then leans up.

“All of this ... it’s complicated. But it doesn’t mean I don’t ...” Aaron bites his lip. “You know ...”

“Say it again.” Robert asks. He doesn’t quite believe him. It sticks out in his mind. He’s too scared to.

Aaron takes Robert’s hand in his. “I love you Robert.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and Aaron leans up to kiss him slowly. He wraps his arms around him again and then stands. The atmosphere in the room is almost buzzing as Robert stares up at Aaron.

“I can’t ... I can’t have you just push me away again.” Robert says. “Because I wouldn’t be able to handle that. You know that don’t you?”

Aaron looks so serious suddenly. He nods. “I know. I ... I’m sorry.” He presses his head against Robert’s and kisses him gently. “I know.” He whispers again.

Robert shuffles slightly and winces. Aaron peers down and then up again, clearly worried.

“It was raining. I wanted to be on my own so I thought repairing my mum’s stone walls would be a good idea.” Robert says. “It was all stone; I think I must have slipped.” He shakes his head as he thinks. “I don’t know.”

Aaron shudders and holds around Robert firmer. “You’re an idiot.” He says. “Because I’m an idiot.”

Robert looks down at him, almost smiling. “Something like that.” He says. “It all seems to come back to you.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “The good and bad.” He whispers. He wants to kick himself over the way he has this ability to wreck everything.

Robert holds his face so gently. “The good.” He says. “I promise, the good.” He leans down and kisses Aaron slowly before lifting up again.

Aaron’s heart thumps over and over again.

Robert softens and then pulls himself out of the moment to look around the room. Aaron smiles at him, just watches and feels all this tension leave. “I’d ask you to stay but ...”

“Yeah.” Aaron says. He leans down to kiss Robert again, strokes his hair as he does so. “I know.” He says. It’s what he says but he ends up staying until he hears the door open and Sarah’s looking between them. “I’m going.” He says quickly, makes sure Sarah can hear him.

Robert watches Aaron stand; their fingers touch for a second and then it stops. He tries not to smile; he feels it creep over his face and then it drops when Aaron is gone, and Sarah is looking at him.

“You’re back on then?”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “I ...”

“I saw that look between you.” Sarah says. She looks out towards the window and then turns to Robert. “What’s the difference now?”

Robert gulps hard. “I love him.” He says wordlessly. “And I ... believe him when he says he’s been in a mess over this.”

Sarah pulls this face. “Is that how he got his face like that? Picking fights like a school kid.”

“Mum.” Robert says. “I love him.” He says again, because deep down he’s still naive enough to think that loving Aaron is all that’s needed.

“He loves someone else.” Sarah crashes him back to Earth.

“It’s not the same.” Robert says. “He told me. Just now. I’m not being naive, it’s not in my head. He loves me too.”

Sarah places the bags down on the floor and crosses her arms over. “He said that?”

Robert nods slowly. “And I believe him.”

Sarah sighs hard and then he’s watching her open the door again and head straight to Aaron’s car. “Mum ...”

Aaron watches as Sarah comes towards his car. He’s just spoke to Nathan; he’s just told him he’s sorry and that he’s going to make it up to him. He doesn’t know how. Suddenly he feels like he’s juggling too many things and he rests his hand over his head. He almost can’t start the car just yet.

Then Sarah’s tapping on the car window and he jumps up to open the car for her. She actually sits next to him in the passenger seat. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say. He just freezes around her presence, shoulders bunched. 

“I don’t know what ...”

“I hate this for him.” Sarah cuts Aaron’s off. Aaron’s thankful until he soaks in what she’s actually saying. He closes his eyes for a second and then gulps thickly. “Sneaking around, being second best. He deserves better.”

Aaron breathes in. “I know he does.” He says. “And I’d stop if ... if I could.”

“You’d leave your fiancé if you could too I presume?” Sarah says, she sounds exactly like Robert does when he’s irritated. Then her face softens. “Is that it? You ... can’t.”

Aaron pulls a face. “It’s not like that.” He tells her. Then he shakes his head. “I love Nathan. I do. It’s just different with Robert and I can’t lose that either. I just can’t.”

Aaron instantly remembers that Sarah isn’t his counsellor. He feels embarrassed and then stares out of the window of his car.

“I want my son happy.” Sarah says. “And that’s not with someone who ...”

“I know I’m not perfect.” Aaron points to his bruises. “I’m a wreck, I’m not expecting you to think any differently.”

“You’re really selling yourself.” Sarah says.

Aaron’s head drops. “I ...”

Sarah just looks at him. She doesn’t say anything for at least twenty seconds and Aaron waits.

“If you cared. You’d stay away.” Sarah tells him. “I’m not going to sit here and say I understand how you can love him but not want to be with him and him only.” She frowns.

“It’s not ...” Aaron breathes in. He wants to tell Sarah that he wants to be with her son all the time. He stops.

“But I do get cheating.” Sarah says. Aaron looks up in surprise. “I’ve been there myself.” She seems ashamed, or tired, like she’s gone back through memories. “It’s just different when it’s your child.”

Aaron nods. “I understand.” He says. “Well I don’t but ... I do.” Aaron breathes out slowly and there’s this heavy silence again before he speaks. “I’m not planning on hurting him. I promise.”

“If you do ...” Sarah gives him this look. “You’ll be sorry. I mean it.”

Aaron nods his head quickly.

“I wish I could tell him to stop seeing you but he’s a grown man. He loves you; I can see that.” Sarah rolls her eyes. “I can tell you care about him.”

“I don’t just _care_ about him –” Aaron stops himself short. “I guess that’s one thing we have in common.”

Sarah doesn’t say anything. She looks quiet, like she’s thinking things over as much as she can. “If that’s true, you wouldn’t be doing this to him.” She says. 

Aaron doesn’t say anything. He can’t. Sarah breathes in and then she’s leaving the car. Aaron wipes at his face and then starts the car up before giving this faint smile to the window and seeing the outline of Robert sitting on the sofa. 


	26. A plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron tries to make peace with his decisions. Robert attempts to explain his plan. Aaron makes time for Robert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the comments on the last chapter were INCREDIBLE so thank you so much. It’s lovely to know people are still invested, thank you thank you! 
> 
> Long chapter here too, hope you enjoy!!

The lights are red when Aaron looks down and sees that his mum is calling him on his handset. He breathes in and then answers, only to be met with her confusion over where he is.

She bangs on about how she wanted a quick word last night, how Nathan filled her in on him staying out after having a row.

“What’s wrong love?”

Aaron thinks about her seeing the state of his face. He suddenly realises he should stay clear of her for as long as possible. It means he’ll have to be doing this, ringing, checking in so she doesn’t pop round.

Aaron ticks it off in his mind as one more thing to be worrying about. He stops short when she speaks again. She’s persistent, worried.

“We had a row. That’s it.” Aaron says. “I said some stuff I shouldn’t have.”

“What’s new.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. He tightens his hands around the wheel and then leans back against the headrest. “I just thought things were ... he wants us to look at a house mum.”

Chas gives a minor reaction. She almost says so what? It dawns on Aaron quickly that it shouldn’t be this big deal he’s making it out to be. It’s a house, and they’re engaged, and everything should be fine.

“You’re self-sabotaging.” Chas tells him. “Simple as that.”

“How do you know?” Aaron closes his eyes. “Why’d you always think it’s that?”

“Because you’re my son.” Chas says, “And I know you weren’t right at the proposal. I thought we cleared it up.”

“What? My shitty brain?”

“Hey.” Chas says quickly. “You know you can tell me anything.” Aaron catches another set of lights and breathes out slowly. He thinks for a second, he wants to tell her everything. “Or Nathan. He’s there for you, he always has been.”

Aaron nods. “I know.” He whispers. “I know that.”

“So whatever’s going on in your head, you have to talk about.” Chas says. He’s had this conversation with her years and years ago. He’s passed it. He’s meant to be _past_ needing to hear this.

“I just feel ...” Aaron stops short again. “I don’t ...”

“You’re engaged. You’ve never had this before.” Chas says. Then she laughs. “It’s OK to not know how to feel.”

Aaron nods like she can see him. “I’ve never had this before.” He parrots back.

“But nerves, it shouldn’t let you stop being happy, stop appreciating how amazing Nathan is. It shouldn’t stop any of that love.” Chas tells him. Aaron leans forward and drives until he reaches a bend in the road and allows his mind to slow down along with the car. “You’re luckier than most guys your age.”

Aaron smiles gently. It feels hollow, lost.

“You’ve earned this. A whole life that you’ve worked for.”

He has. He _has_.

Aaron’s head feels light and he stares down at his knuckles, scabbed and worn. 

“That’s yours.” Chas is jamming in all she can to her motivational speech. “And I’m so proud of the man you’ve become.”

“ _Mum_.”

“No. I am. I’m so proud of you, you’re a good person.”

Aaron sits and thinks about who exactly a good person is and what a cheater takes away from that for what feels like ages. Chas has hung up, they’ve said their goodbyes and he’s been left, like this.

The sky darkens. He stays, leaning against the headrest like he can’t go anywhere else just yet. He thinks about what would happen if he told Nathan the truth. It wouldn’t be just him he’d hurt. Leyla’s in his mind. She’s hated at work because of what she did to Bernice. He thinks of _work_ , everyone finding out. He could lose his job; Robert could lose his. His mum would hate him for this, push and prod and not understand any of it.

No one would. No one _should_ , he tells himself.

It’s not any of their business.

It’s separate. It’s all _separate_.

Aaron’s going to convince himself until he’s blue in the face.

—

Aaron sits opposite Nathan and wrings his hands together as he waits for him to say anything. They’ve gone through the state of his face, Aaron’s lied some more about it and feels ten times worse.

“You could have been seriously hurt.” Nathan says. “What were you thinking?” He asks Aaron, he leans over and then back again.

“I wasn’t.” Aaron tells him. “I was just upset.” He says. “Over us fighting.” He bounces his knee. “I’m _sorry_.”

“You said.” Nathan says. Then he stops and tilts his head. “I just don’t know where your head is?” He asks. “You’re all over the place.”

Aaron nods. “I know. I’m ... it just gets on top of me.”

“You’re meant to talk to me when that happens.” Nathan tells him and then he’s bowing his head and looking serious. “The thing is ... I know you love me.” Nathan says. “I know that. But it’s like you always try to sabotage things.”

Aaron sits up. He’s heard that before. He thinks of the effect he’s had on Robert until there’s this dark cloud around him, it seems to quieten down by the time Nathan is speaking again.

“And it’s hurting us.”

Aaron nods. “I know. I lash out and I make things worse.” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.”

Aaron bites his lip. “And I’ll apologise to Sonny.” The thought makes him roll his eyes, but he fights against it. He keeps himself together, drums his hands against the table and then twitches. “I was ... I was just stressed out.”

“About what?”

Aaron keeps his eyes on Nathan and then his eyes hover down to the silver of Nathan’s engagement ring. He goes to open his mouth.

“Moving?”

Aaron nods his head slowly. “I just ...”

Nathan looks down at his ring. “You made it sound like we weren’t ready for it, like all of this is ...” He breathes in and Aaron’s eyes are wet suddenly.

“Nathan ...”

“I get it. I know what this is about.” Nathan shrugs his shoulders and then he nods his head slowly.

Aaron wonders what he’s on about, the table between them feels almost miles apart and he can’t help but tilt his head, ask what he’s talking about. “I don’t ...”

“I know you Aaron.” Nathan tells him. He nods his head, sighs. Then he’s got his hands through his hair. “You’ve never had this before. All these ... steps forward. You never had that with Jackson.”

Aaron’s eyes are still wet, and he lets out this small sigh before breathing in sharply again. Nathan has this look on his face, he blinks once and then twice before bringing his hands together.

“It’s all new to you.”

Aaron gulps hard. “What and you’re the expert?” He asks.

“No.” Nathan says. “But I’ve ... I haven’t lost someone like that Aaron, had everything cut short.”

Aaron dips his head down. He so desperately wants that to be the reason for all of this torment in his mind.

“You said once ... you said you don’t ever think about the future.” Nathan gulps. “And it hurt.” Aaron looks up. “Because I do. I think about the future and I know you don’t in the same way but ...”

“It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” Aaron says, he wipes at his face and suddenly doesn’t like where any of this going. He feels like things are slipping and he can’t handle it.

“I know.” Nathan says. It feels like they’re circling until he sighs. “Just sometimes you say things that make me question everything.”

Aaron looks at Nathan seriously. “You don’t have to question anything.” He says, then he rubs at his nose and breathes in. He thinks of his mum suddenly. “I ... why don’t we look at the house you were on about?”

Nathan gives him this look.

“I know what I said. But it’s a house you love so ... it can’t be that bad can it?”

Nathan comes towards him, kneels down in front and then he’s squeezing his arms around Aaron.

They visit the house. It’s got a large blue front door and a tiny garden and two standard size bedrooms. Aaron walks around the place with Nathan’s hand in his until he’s going off on his own whilst Nathan discusses numbers. Aaron ends up in the garden, stares up at the blue of the sky and then down at the green of the grass.

It’s all nice. It’s just over their price range but he knows they’d be able to haggle it down if they really wanted to.

Aaron’s in his head with the thoughts until Nathan’s hand is on his shoulder asking him what he thinks. He sort of stares for a second with nothing to say, and then he shrugs.

“It’s ... yeah I like it.” Aaron says. He isn’t lying. He does like it. “The price ...”

“Well yeah I mean ... there’s a lot of competition for it. We should have really bought it over the weekend but ..."

“What about Sonny? You wanted to help him with rehab?” Aaron suddenly thinks of it and Nathan nods his head slowly.

“He’s not ready.” Nathan says quietly. “And when he is ... mum and dad will help out with it.” He shakes his head. “No point running our future into the ground on helping him if he doesn’t really want it yet.”

Aaron has this small smile on his face. “Like I said then.” He says. Nathan nods his head at him before rolling his eyes. He bends into a kiss and Aaron strokes over Nathan’s face before sighing. “This place ... doesn’t feel right. I don’t know.”

Nathan leans back. “Why not?”

Aaron shrugs. “I’d just rather ... properly spend time doing it you know ... _together_.”

“The last time we did that we ended up fighting.”

“Yeah well you were worried about Sonny. I was working.” Aaron shrugs. “We’ve got time.” He nods his head.

Nathan pulls this face. “Maybe you’re right. We’ve got a wedding to think about as well. The expense of that is ...”

Aaron shakes his head. “Small and intimate.” He says. “I remember saying that in London.”

Nathan laughs. “Chas Dingle is going to _love_ that idea.”

“It ain’t about her. Or anyone else.” Aaron breathes in. “It doesn’t have to be a big deal.” It comes out wrong and Nathan arches an eyebrow. “I didn’t mean ...”

“You’re definitely going to in charge of picking us a nice place.” Nathan looks around and then up at the house. “Because you clearly know what you want.” He smiles.

Aaron stares up with big round eyes and he tries to smile back.

—

Robert sits up just as the plate drops onto his pillow. It nearly goes everywhere, and he gasps against it as Vic stands there with a smug smile on her face.

“You could be gentler.” Robert says. He looks down at the sandwich and then up at his sister again. “What’s with the face?”

“You.” Vic crosses her arms over and Robert suddenly regrets having his mum and sister fussing over him whilst his ankle gets better. It’s going to be bad for a while and the thought of having their opinions for more than a couple of days has made him already announce that he’s leaving tomorrow.

“What have I done?” Robert feigns his confusion for a second longer until Vic is sitting next to him with her arms crossed. Her long ponytail sways whilst she breathes out this long sigh.

Robert realises an ambush is coming when his mum walks in juggling three mugs in her hand and smiling. She looks between her children for a second and then puts the mugs on the coffee table.

“So you’ve been talking.” Robert says. He runs a hand over his face. “Three guesses what about.”

“We’re just worried.” Vic tells him, like she has to be. He gets it, a little bit, but he also gets the fact that she doesn’t understand how it is between him and Aaron. “You could have _died_.”

Robert’s eyes widen. “And how is that _Aaron’s_ fault?”

Vic rolls her eyes. “When have you ever tried to help mum at the farm?” She uncrosses her arms. “You were angry and upset because he agreed to marry someone else.”

Robert rolls his eyes back. “I don’t need a run through. I was there.” He winces as he sits up straighter and bites into his sandwich. “Look. You’ve already told him what you think. So just leave it at that.”

“How?” Vic says. “When you’re basically back together according to mum.”

Robert looks at Sarah slowly. “You never actually said what you said to him. In the car.” Sarah sips at her tea and his face falls. “Tell me you didn’t warn him off.”

“Here’s hoping.” Vic says and Robert scowls at her.

“I didn’t.” Sarah says.

“Mum.” Vic looks surprised, almost tuts.

“No matter what we think, he’s a grown man love.” Sarah shrugs her shoulder and then sighs. “It doesn’t mean I like an ounce of what you’re doing to yourself, or to the poor bloke he’s with but ...”

“Thanks.” Robert says quietly. “I know it’s ... it’s not ideal.”

“You could say that.” Sarah says. “This isn’t what I wanted for you. All that business with Katie _out_ of the picture ... it’s still ... I just want more for you son.”

Robert bites his lip. He didn’t expect this, he expected anger like Vic but not sadness. “Mum ...” He breathes in. “I just need to wait this out.” He lets slip his master plan only for Vic to look at him like he’s mad.

“What does that mean?”

Robert shrugs. “He’s with Nathan out of some misguided sense of loyalty. He loves him yeah, but he’s not in love with him. He thinks he makes him a better person.” He rolls his eyes. “But sooner or later he’s going to realise that ... he doesn’t.”

Vic tilts his head. “Before or after he’s walked down the aisle and said I do?”

“Do you have to? Really?”

“You’re completely delusional.” Vic waves a hand up. “Mum. Come on.”

Sarah leans forwards. “What if that doesn’t happen?” She says, gently as possible. “You can watch him get married?”

Robert shakes his head, blinks. “No.” He says thickly. “But what choice do I have?” It seems to make Sarah angrier than she has been about this. “I love him. I wouldn’t be wasting my life away if that’s what you think.”

“No. You’d be ... sharing him.” Vic points it out and Robert’s jaw clenches. “And that’s not you Robert.”

“Neither is just quitting something.”

“This ain’t a business deal.”

“No it’s my life.” Robert says. “And I’m ... I can’t walk away from him.” He bites his lip and then looks at his mum. “I’m sorry.”

“I think you will be.” Sarah says. “If this ... plan of yours doesn’t work out.”

Robert nods his head. “It will.” He says. “I know what I’m doing.”

Sarah looks away. He can sense her frustration everywhere.

“I’m not asking him to choose. Not again.” Robert tells her. “I’m just letting him come to the realisation himself. It’s not going to work if I just force him to ..."

“Stop having the best of both world’s?”

Robert rolls his eyes and continues. “Obviously leave a life he’s not ready to.”

Vic just sighs. “How are you being _this_ understanding? It’s just so obvious that ...”

“What’s obvious is that you don’t know him.” Robert snaps. He looks at his mum. “Neither of you do.”

“We know enough.” Vic crosses her arms over.

“No. You don’t.” Robert tells her. “You know the bad bits but ... it’s different when it’s just me and him.”

Sarah shakes her head hard after a few seconds of silence. “Plan or no plan, he better not mess you about in the process. I told him ... I told him to treat you _right_.”

Vic still looks utterly unimpressed and Robert’s not even sure he can blame her. He thinks about if this was the other way around, he’d be calling her crazy. He thinks about if Aaron is thinking the exact same thing.

“What happened to me being a grown man?”

Sarah sips at her tea again. “Oh you are love. Doesn’t mean I can’t threaten to tear his whole world apart if he thinks of hurting you again.” Robert rolls his eyes and she smirks into her tea.

—

Robert picks up his phone quickly when he sees Aaron’s name pop up. He listens to the sound of Aaron breathing for a second until he’s speaking.

“Hey.” Aaron whispers. His voice is warm and heavy and Robert smiles.

“Hey.” Robert whispers back.

“I ... I need to see you.” Aaron says. It feels weird to just be able to get exactly what he wants to say out. Robert sits up straighter. “Are you still at your mum’s?”

“I’m leaving tomorrow.” Robert gulps hard. “You can come to mine? Or not. I ...”

“Try keeping me away.”

Robert has this smile on his face that settles in and makes everything feel easier somehow. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

Robert closes his eyes. “I’ll see you then.” He says. “After you’ve finished work.”

“After I finish work. All yours.” Aaron sounds like he’s trying to keep quiet. It makes something shift in Robert’s chest and he tries to ignore it.

He hangs up and stares at his phone for a second before closing his eyes.

“All mine.” He says to himself.

—

Aaron’s on his way back from work when he hears the sound of his phone ringing and he sees that it’s Liv. He hasn’t spoke to her for a while and now is hardly the best time, but he answers as he drives.

It’s already half six, he’s already had to work later than planned and he’s not planning on delaying seeing Robert for a second longer. He’s still determined until Liv is asking him if he’s still doing this movie night.

“What movie night?”

“You tell me. Nathan text earlier. Haven’t you heard from him?”

Aaron has, but he’s been avoiding answering anything. He remembers agreeing to it like a fool this morning. “I’ve been at work.”

“Yeah so’s he.” Liv says and then Aaron’s stopping at a red light. “If you can’t then that’s fine with me, I’ve got Gabby crying in my ear about her love life so ...”

Aaron leans back against the headrest. He should feel bad. He should want to spend the night with his fiancé and sister, but he doesn’t.

“Oh. What’s ... what’s wrong with her?”

“She thinks she’s getting cheated on.”

“Well she should dump him.”

“Nice.” Liv laughs. “You’re such a big brother.”

Aaron hesitates. “Well if he’s messing her about then ...”

“Yeah. She can’t exactly stay. That’s what she’s in a mess about.”

Aaron sighs. “Wanker.

“If that was me you’d do more than call him a wanker.”

“Too right.” Aaron suddenly thinks of Victoria and gulps hard. He hesitates before noticing the lights have changed. “Look, I have to go.”

“Cosy night in with Nathan calling your name?”

Aaron blinks out quickly and sees that he’s close to Robert’s. “Later Liv.”

—

Aaron hears Robert’s crutches as he gets to the door. He brings a hand over his front nervously before the door is opened and Robert is offering this smile cautious smile. Aaron almost staggers back against how vulnerable Robert looks. Then he leans forwards and his hands are around Robert’s neck. He strokes his thumb over the soft skin of Robert’s neck and then looks up into his eyes.

“I missed you.” Aaron whispers. He watches Robert’s face fall like he can’t quite believe it. His mouth parts slightly and Aaron’s shoulders relax until Robert’s mouth is on his and they’re kissing.

Aaron’s hands are everywhere, and Robert presses further and further into him until he’s almost buckling, and Aaron has to jump backwards.

“Shit.” Aaron says, he grips hard on Robert’s arm and Robert makes this sound like he’s being punched. “Sorry.” He says.

Robert makes another weak sound and Aaron holds his face. He breathes in and then cups Robert’s head as he holds the door open and takes them back inside.

Aaron takes in the flat again as he looks around the place. It looks cosier than it did when he was last year. There’s a few candles lit, and a turquoise blanket draped over the grey sofa. He turns towards the kitchen and sees that the orange glow of the light is still on. He tuts as he helps Robert back to the sofa.

“Don’t tell me you’ve been cooking.”

Robert shrugs, breathes in. “Like to keep busy.” He says.

Aaron sits next to him on the sofa and has a hand on Robert’s thigh. He almost can’t stop touching him, he has a hand on the back of Robert’s neck and then it strokes down his arm. Aaron knows why he’s being like this. It’s because every single time he looks at Robert he remembers him lying in a hospital bed. He doesn’t ever want to feel that again.

“You should be resting.” Aaron says. Robert places a hand on Aaron’s thigh, and he sighs gently before shrugging.

“I am. It’s boring.” Robert rolls his eyes. “So I thought I’d cook, since you were coming.”

Aaron warms. “I told you I would.” He shrugs and then breathes out gently. “You didn’t have to cook for me.”

Robert nods. “Mum’s recipe.”

Aaron freezes slightly. “Bet she’s happy about that.” He closes his eyes and Robert leans his arms out and takes Aaron against his chest. “Is that why you left hers? To cook me something.”

“To be alone. With you.” Robert kisses Aaron’s head and then has a hand through Aaron’s hair. They stay quiet for a second.

“How much does she hate me?” Aaron says. He isn’t looking at Robert. He’s suddenly thankful. Aaron picks up a purple cushion and holds it against his chest, plays with the soft tassels it has.

Robert thinks for a second. “A fair amount.” He says. “She hates the situation.”

Aaron gulps hard. “I know.” He says. “She told me that. She was nice about it, a little.” He frowns. “Then scary. Like your sister.”

Robert peers down and smiles faintly. “Scared were you?” Aaron bites his lip and then shrugs.

“They didn’t chase me away if that’s what you’re wondering.” Aaron says. He pulls this face, and it takes over. “Nothing would.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “You’ve been a lot nicer to me since I was rocking crutches.” He smiles, there’s this warmth to him that dies when Aaron doesn’t seem to like the joke.

“Don’t.” Aaron says. He places the cushion down and then stares at the ground. He gulps hard and then looks up at Aaron. “I don’t want to even _think_ about you like that.”

Robert frowns. “I hurt my ankle. That’s all.” He shrugs it off and Aaron looks at him seriously, he runs a hand across Robert’s face again. He pays almost special attention to the graze on the side of Robert’s head, just below his temple. His eye is almost completely bruised over now. It looks like nothing has happened.

“Could have been worse.”

Robert nods slowly and his forehead touches Aaron’s as he bends. “But it wasn’t.” He says, then he slowly breathes in. “You know ... when I was like that ... I thought of you.”

Aaron’s eyes are wet suddenly. He breathes in and then he leans up and kisses Robert. His mouth is open wide, and he takes as much as Robert gives until he pulls away to catch his breath.

“You’re never allowed to do farming again.”

Robert laughs against Aaron’s hair. “Yeah. I promise.”

“Well actually as long as I’m there to see you in the whole get up then maybe.” Aaron says. Robert pulls this face and then he’s smirking like he understand. “Yep. Green pullover.” He brings his legs around Robert’s, brings them close together.

“Does that do it for you?”

Aaron nods and then kisses Robert again, harder this time. Robert returns the intensity until Aaron’s rolled out on the sofa and practically begging to be touched. Robert leans over and then there’s this tug in his ankle and he’s remembering how much he’s not meant to over exert himself.

Aaron’s eyes widen and he sits up again, de-tangles himself from Robert. Robert almost looks embarrassed and Aaron shakes his head to tell him to be silly.

“I’m not — not up to much of that. Well I _am_. But physically.” Robert stares down at his leg. Aaron looks at the way his ankle’s bandaged up and then he’s suddenly remembering the gash Robert had on his upper thigh too. He feels like he’s too close and yet too far away.

“Hey. This is fine. More than fine.” Aaron says. He pushes his back against Robert’s chest and then Robert’s hands are wrapping around Aaron’s middle, holding him close for a second.

They sit in silence for another ten minutes until Aaron is turning and kissing Robert. It doesn’t lead anywhere, it’s weird how much Aaron doesn’t really want it to. He’s content with this, he’s more than content with all of this.

Robert leans away to look towards the kitchen. “You hungry?” He asks. He tilts his head and Aaron remembers the freak out he had near the start of all of this. He watches Aaron smile and then nod his head.

Aaron stands and Robert frowns at him.

“What? I’ll keep an eye on it.” Aaron finds his way towards the kitchen and sees a picture of Robert and Victoria on the fridge. There’s a small magnet holding it in place, and he smiles before feeling her eyes bore into him. He wonders if she knows they’re back together. Robert calls out to him, tells him that there’s garlic bread in the freezer that he should put on.

Aaron peaks into the oven and sees that there’s a lasagne cooking away nicely. He smiles and then looks back at Robert.

“I’ll do it now.” Aaron says. He takes the garlic bread out and manages to turn the dials the right way so that both the lasagne and the garlic bread is cooking at the same time.

By the time he’s back in the living room, Robert is scrolling through his phone and Aaron comes towards him. He sits on the edge of the sofa and plays with his hands for a second.

“Does your sister know about us?” Aaron asks the question and Robert looks up almost in surprise. “Can’t see her being that happy with you over this. I don’t want to cause anything between you.”

Robert sighs gently. “That’s why I left.” Aaron frowns. “I needed space away from ... being told I was off my head.”

Aaron closes his eyes and shakes his head. He wants to kick himself. “I’m sorry.” He says. “I am.”

“Hey.” Robert scoots closer towards him, only it takes longer than he expected, and Aaron smiles fondly has he hobbles slightly. “She doesn’t like it, but at the end of the day, she’s my sister. She’s just looking out for me.”

Aaron bites his lip. “I’d do the same. For Liv.” He shrugs.

“Difference is, I’m a grown man. My mum knows it. So does Vic.” Robert says. 

Aaron breathes in. “I suppose I made it worse, coming to the hospital like I did.”

“Two times.” Robert says. He doesn’t want to dwell, but he realises they haven’t spoken like they should have about any of this. It was sad and then it was angry and then it was back to whatever this softness is between them. “Couldn’t stay away.”

Aaron blinks slowly. “No.” He says. “Not really.” He shrugs and then his hand slowly strokes over Robert’s arm. He smiles and then stops. “Does your brother know?”

Robert freezes and he suddenly thinks of what Andy would say about all of this. He’d think it was something Robert chased after instead of something he fell into and couldn’t quite control. He’d compare it to Katie. It’d always come back to her.

“No.” Robert says. “He’d make it about him.”

Aaron tries to be cautious as he kicks his feet against the sofa and then crosses his arms over. “About Katie?” Robert looks away. “Sorry. I just ...”

“The fact that they’re together now would — I don’t know ... it complicates things.” Robert pulls a face. “She’s my past but his present so.” He gulps hard.

“She broke your heart?” Aaron says. Robert blinks quickly and his face stays blank.

“She chose him.” Robert says. Aaron feels this heavy weight press down in his chest and he’s suddenly guilty. “I slept with her the night before their wedding and — it came out. All of it came out. But she chose to fight for him.”

Aaron bites his lip and looks surprised. “And they’re still together?”

Robert pulls a face. “Yeah.” He says. He sighs gently and then leans up. “At least he didn’t leave me to die. That’s ... something.”

Aaron gulps hard. “Yeah. I’ll take that.” He says slowly. Robert leans down and then looks up.

“He doesn’t need to know. No one else does.” Robert says. “I won’t tell him if you’re worried.”

Aaron frowns gently. He comes closer towards Robert and cups his face. “Hey. I’m not worried.” He whispers and then presses his mouth against Robert’s again. They keep kissing until Aaron suddenly lunges back and remembers the garlic bread.

It’s burned by the time he yanks it out of the oven. He’s sheepish when Robert hobbles over to inspect.

“Yeah I bought two just in case.” Robert looks into the freezer and takes over. Aaron rolls his eyes. “What? It’s not like I had little faith in your cooking ability but ...”

“It ain’t even cooking.” Aaron says. “It’s putting an oven on.”

“Don’t. You’re only making it sound worse.” Robert smiles and Aaron suddenly squeezes his arm, holds him close. The air changes between them as they lock eyes and Aaron’s inches from his face. “You know ... I missed you too. So much.”

Aaron bites his lip. It’s only been a couple of days. He thinks about the way they accident has changed things in more ways than he could have imagined.

Robert presses his mouth against Aaron’s, and he kisses him slowly before Aaron’s arms are wrapped around him. They stand together hugging for a second before the timer of the oven goes off and they sit across from each other at the table.

It’s all civilised. It’s all wanted. It’s all Aaron can think about as his phone goes off and he realises that it’s later than he anticipated.

They’ve not even finished sipping God-awful wine and talking about how the moon landing could have been a hoax. Robert has too many thoughts on it for Aaron to handle.

“I’m serious. The cold war was just filled with ...”

Aaron looks up from Nathan’s text, he’s asking if he’s going to be home any time soon. “I ...”

Robert gulps hard, his head is down as he sips at the glass of wine in his hand. It’s like he takes a minute and then looks up with a small smile on his face. “I get it.” He says. He tells himself that sooner or later, Aaron won’t be having to leave like this. He’ll grow sick of running back, switching feelings off.

Aaron comes towards Robert, practically kneels in front of him and then he’s on his lap and they’re kissing again. It feels like he’s about to fall apart by the time Robert pulls off to breathe against Aaron’s lips. He’s being a tease on purpose. It makes Aaron close his eyes and feel like his head is about to fall off.

“Soon. Just me and you again.” Aaron whispers against Robert’s lips.

“You’ll have time?”

“Yeah.” Aaron says. “I’ll make time. I promise.” He sounds so eager that the words merge into each other and he has to catch his breath. The thought of disappointing Robert makes everything harder to stomach.

“OK.” Robert whispers. Aaron leans off of Robert and goes to grab his coat before coming back towards him. “I’ll see you.” He says.

Aaron thinks about missing him at work. He thinks about the fact that he can’t even come here whenever he wants when Victoria might pop up and make him feel like the world’s worst person. He smiles as he watches Robert struggle to stand. Aaron takes off his coat and Robert frowns at him.

“What are you doing?”

“The washing up.” Aaron rolls up his sleeves. “I’m not leaving you to do it am I?” It gets him to stay for ten more minutes. He’s happy for ten more minutes.

—

Nathan’s in the shower when he gets in. Aaron hears him getting out almost five minutes later. The door goes and Nathan spots Aaron instantly from the hallway.

“Where’ve you been?” Nathan asks. He asks because Aaron didn’t really ever give him a straight answer.

“I ran into — a mate.” Aaron says. He instantly regrets it because Nathan just gives him this look and gets dressed in their room. He’s ready for bed and Aaron follows him inside to do the same.

“What mate?”

“You don’t know him.”

Nathan frowns. He’s just about to put his top on when he scoffs. “Is this the part where you tell me you’ve been shagging some random?” He pulls his top on and there’s a full three seconds where Aaron can react without Nathan looking at him.

Aaron’s eyes are wide, and he doesn’t know what to say until the words fall out. “Yeah right.” He says. He folds his arms over and then releases them again before shuddering.

Nathan smiles. “Good. It’d ruin the whole engagement thing wouldn’t it?” He says. He looks so soft, so happy. He sits slowly on the bed and then up at Aaron. “We were meant to be having a movie night with Liv.”

Aaron pulls a face. “I know. I totally ... forgot. Sorry.” He shrugs. “I just haven’t seen my mate for ages so.”

“What’s his name?”

Aaron gulps. “Chris.” He says. It sounds like a question and Nathan frowns. “Chris. It’s Chris.”

Nathan bites his lip slowly. “Stood up for Chris then.”

Aaron sits down on the bed, pulls a hand over Nathan’s thigh and then pulls it away again. It feels wrong. He can’t explain any of it. “Hey. I’m sorry.” He says, as gently as possible. “If it makes you feel better ... we had tea and ... the garlic bread was burnt.” Aaron eyes widen and his heart thumps, he has absolutely no idea why he’s even confusing things. “It was pretty boring.”

“I haven’t got anything to worry about then?” Nathan says. He’s teasing, holding Aaron close.

Aaron blinks once and then twice and then three times. He shudders. “Don’t be daft.” He says.

Nathan smiles. “Good.” He says. He leans over his bedside table and then looks back at Aaron. “Because this came.” He looks down at the small box in his hand. It’s a ring. Aaron stares down. “Perfect size right?” He says, when he slides the ring on Aaron’s finger.

Aaron twists it and then smiles. “It’s perfect.” He says. Nathan goes to kiss him, and Aaron leans away, kisses Nathan’s cheek instead.

“Look at us. Finally getting it right.” Nathan says. He leans down against the bed and then smirks. “We’ve got this don’t we?” He says.

Aaron bites his lip and then feels Nathan’s hands against his skin, he’s circling against his waist and then leaning up to kiss Aaron. It’s something Aaron moves away from almost on instinct.

“You OK?” Nathan asks.

“Yeah. Just got a bit of headache. I think I ... yeah I’ll go get something for it.” Aaron leans away from the bed and gets towards the kitchen before staring out the window.

He doesn’t know what he’s staring at. He’s just looking up at the darkness and then breathing out deeply.

“There should be something in the cupboard above the microwave.” Nathan calls out.

Aaron nods his head slowly like Nathan can see him.


	27. A reminder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron seizes an opportunity before attempting to reassure Robert.

Aaron hasn’t ever been a fan of jewellery. He remembers the watch Nathan bought him on their first anniversary. He smiled, loved the way it looked but it wasn’t on his wrist for more than a month. The battery went and then the strap was funny, so it’s sat in his top-drawer gathering dust.

Sometimes he’ll take it out and look at it. He remembers wearing it on a random Tuesday morning and ending up late to a meeting because it was telling him the wrong time. He’s been the same with the necklace his mum bought him a couple of years back. It was one of those dog tag ones. Silver and long enough to hang and swing. He wore that as well for a while until it rusted over.

A ring is different. This ring, the one on his finger looking up at him, is different to all the other types of jewellery.

Aaron’s looking at it, there’s this quiet in his mind when he looks right at it and then hears Leyla approaching him with this smirk on her face. She’s ogling at the ring, waving her hands about as she sees that he’s finally received it.

“Oh my God!” Leyla says. She stares down at it and then up again and at Aaron before shaking her head. “That’s actually a ring.”

Aaron smirks. “Yeah. I do know that Leyla.”

“One that fits.” Finn says, he walks past them with a pen over his ear. Aaron thinks he looks like an idiot and then remembers the way Robert used to do the exact same thing. Robert was clearly the exception.

Aaron gives him a funny look and Finn scurries away again. Leyla finally drops Aaron’s hand down and lets out this tight smile.

“Ignore him. Everyone else does.” Leyla waves a hand out and smiles. “It’s amazing.”

Aaron stares down at the ring. “It’s just a silver ring Leyla.”

Leyla rolls her eyes. “You blokes.” She says, she folds her arms over and yanks his hand up again. “Look, black line curving around it. Not just silver.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he stares down at the ring before Leyla is asking him something. He doesn’t hear, he has to get her to repeat herself which she happily does.

“Swapping rings. When you’re saying your vows? Or are you just keeping these ones?”

Aaron gulps hard. He’s not really thought about it at all. He hasn’t been to a gay wedding before, he thinks of all the Dingles descending on the venue and his heart makes a funny sound inside him.

“Umm. We haven’t really ...”

“You’d have to pick them I assume.”

Aaron frowns. “Why’d you ... assume that I’d pick the ...”

Leyla looks at him like he’s crazy. It’s a given, it’s a part of their friendship really. Only now Aaron’s more self-conscious than ever before so he demands for her to make sense.

“Because Nathan picked the engagement rings.” Leyla says, she shakes her head and then sits up on his desk to keep speaking. “Maybe you should just keep them. Sentimental isn’t it?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Yeah.” He says.

“Speaking of which, reception in your mum’s pub? That’s where you got engaged isn’t it?”

Aaron blinks, once, twice and then his eyes are wide. “Yeah.” He says. “Yeah, but I don’t know if my mum will ...”

“She’d be more than happy.” Leyla waves her hand out again like her and Chas are besties. He shakes his head at her. “What?”

“You.” Aaron leans on his desk and then sighs. “Acting like it’s your wedding. We don’t need a ...”

“Wedding planner?” Leyla tilts her head. “Well I think you do.”

“Don’t.”

Leyla leans closer and Aaron can’t help but find her utterly ridiculous. He smiles as she starts preparing points in her favour. “So you and Nathan are really going to spend hours on what flowers you want, what colour napkins you’ll have.” She frowns. “Didn’t think it’d be your thing.”

Aaron’s jaw locks.

“Thought so.” Leyla leans back. “Tell me Aaron, cotton or cashmere for the ...”

“OK.” Aaron waves a hand out. “Just stop.” He says. “I’ll speak to Nathan, see what he thinks about you _helping_.”

Leyla rolls her eyes. “It’s a budding business of mine Aaron. You’d be helping, I’d be helping you. Mutual favour here I think.”

Aaron bites at his thumb nail. “I said I’d talk to Nathan.” He says.

Leyla seems satisfied, she goes to jump off the table when he stares at the desk opposite of Aaron’s and sees Robert’s empty chair. Aaron follows her eyes and then feel a slamming in his chest.

“He emailed, thanking us for the card. Sweet really.” Leyla swings her legs and Aaron blinks slowly before nodding. “Missing him?”

Aaron looks up in shock. “What?”

Leyla smiles. “You two seem like you got on. Get on.”

“He’s alright.” Aaron says, feeling like his heart is about to drop.

Leyla shrugs. “You sent the card to his sister right? Must be an amazing mate, by your standards.”

“Shut up.” Aaron says.

The phone at his desk starts ringing and Leyla sees it as her queue to leave. Aaron watches her go before he breathes in sharply and stares at Robert’s empty chair again.

—

Aaron gets a text from his mum the next day and it scares him a little. She’s telling him that Liv’s showed up at the pub and he doesn’t know why it sounds like a warning, but it does. He can’t manage to shake it, so he ends up driving after work to meet her.

Liv’s still at the bar with an orange juice in hand and her laptop out in front of her. She looks up and gives Aaron this strange look.

“You OK?” Liv says. “You look like you’re ...” She looks annoyed suddenly. “It’s orange juice and I fancied seeing Gabby. She’s just gone.”

Aaron looks towards the door he’s just walked through and takes off his coat before sliding onto the stall next to her. He tries to be as delicate as he can, he’s got his hands clasped together as he sighs.

“I don’t think you’re lying.” Aaron says.

“So your mum text?” Liv looks at him and then rolls her eyes when Aaron nods slowly. “I’m fine.”

“I know.” Aaron says quickly. He watches as Marlon comes over and makes him engage in small talk for way too long before he’s leaving again. “I could order you something too.” He offers. Liv shrugs out something about not being hungry.

“I just ate with Gabby. So.”

“How is she?” Aaron asks, like he cares.

“She’s fine. Like me.” Liv says.

Aaron nods. “Yeah look I’m — I’m sorry I didn’t — that movie night.” He leans a hand against his face and Liv stares. He frowns before realising he has his engagement ring on. He peers down at it and then looks at Liv’s smile.

“When did that come?”

“The other night.” Aaron plays with the ring for a second before stopping. “Feels weird.”

“Looks weird.”

“Oi.” Aaron says. He bites his lip and then drums his hand against the bar.

“Still can’t get my head around you getting married.” Liv starts typing away and Aaron is caught up in her amazement.

“Why?” Liv frowns at him. “Why can’t you ...”

“Because you’re you.” Liv shrugs. It’s clearly enough, she almost laughs and then she shakes her head. “But now you’re all busy and happy with your fiancé and ...”

“Look, sorry about messing you about with that.” Aaron says, again.

Liv waves a hand out. “It’s fine. You were ...”

Aaron breathes in. “Busy yeah. I didn’t realise I’d have to stay behind at work so late.”

Liv pulls this face and Aaron’s instantly frowning. “You said you and Nathan were having an early night?”

Aaron gulps. “What?”

“When I rang ... that’s what you said. I could have sworn that was ...”

Aaron shrugs and then feels this heat running through his face. He knows he has to say something back. “Well yeah that’s what I planned but it didn’t ... I had too much work on.”

Liv nods easily like the whole thing is being forgotten about. He wishes he could do the same but instead he’s fidgeting until Marlon brings out some chips for him.

He’s quiet and Liv picks up on it, she calls him weird and he tells her to stop watching him like a hawk.

“You’re _so_ being weird.” Liv tells him, ten minutes later when he’s hardly said a word and all the chips have disappeared off the plate.

“I’m _so_ not.” Aaron mocks her.

Liv squints, looks just like him. “You’d tell me if there was.” She says it like she knows and yet he understands it as a question as well.

Aaron nods and then frown. “We don’t have to tell each other everything.”

“So there is something?”

“No. There’s not.” Aaron shrugs. “I worked late.”

Liv looks suspicious. He sees it. Then his phone is going off and it’s Robert, he flips the phone over and smiles before turning it over again and clearing his throat when she stares at him.

Liv just has to give him this look and he feels swallowed up in it. He thinks of her sharpness and Sonny’s loathing of him and there’s this wave of unease ripping through him.

—

Aaron has a hand on the pan one second and then pulls away the next. He’s stirring something and watching it all bubble over.

He swears and his phone nearly ends up falling against the counter, but he catches it in time.

Robert’s laughing on the other end and it makes him smile like mad. “You’re cooking?”

“I’m — it’s just pasta and sauce.”

“I’m your inspiration I take it?”

Aaron freezes around it. He hasn’t even realised. He thinks of that first time he sat on Robert’s counter and they shared a meal, and it was all too familiar for words to even try and explain.

“As if.” Aaron says. He keeps stirring and then stops. “I’m checking how you are not begging for cooking tips.”

“Asking me how I am.” Robert says the words back and Aaron’s almost instantly blushing at how it sounds. “How nice of you.”

“I am nice.” Aaron says. Robert makes a small sound. “For you I am anyway.”

“When can I see you next?” Robert sounds like he’s trying not to sound eager, but it melts through the phone and Aaron feels instantly bad about it. He’s stood staring at the meal he’s making for his fiancé and Robert’s alone in his flat.

“Soon. I’ll get away.”

“I’ll make sure Vic’s not here then.”

Aaron smiles and then hears the sound of someone else down the line. “Is that her?” He’s happy that Robert isn’t alone, he feels weird when he thinks of Vic still hating him. He thinks of Sonny and how he couldn’t give a toss if he never liked him, but Vic seems different. It’s more disappointing of a situation than he wants to admit.

“Yeah. She’s been popping around.” Robert says. Then he’s quieter. “Think she expects to see you hiding under the bed or something.”

“So she can wring my neck?”

Robert sighs. “Probably.” He says. “I can’t stop thinking about ...”

The door opens and suddenly Aaron sees Nathan hanging his coat up by the door.

His eyes widen slightly, and he shakes his head like Robert can hear him.

“I’ve got to go.” Aaron places the phone down and then smiles at Nathan as he comes towards him. “Hey.” He says. He leans in and kisses Nathan slowly before leaning away. “I made ... well it’s meant to be some pasta thingy.”

“Sounds good.” Nathan says. He sounds distant and Aaron steps forward to make Nathan look at him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Nathan says. He leans over to get a beer out of the fridge. Aaron worries, feels it wrap around his stomach and tug. He comes towards Nathan and strokes his arm.

“Is it work?” Nathan shakes his head. Aaron gulps. “Us?”

Nathan stares up. “No. We’re perfect.” He says. Aaron’s heart skips slightly and he smiles. “It’s not us. It’s Sonny.”

Aaron frowns. “What’s happened with him?”

“What hasn’t?” Nathan runs a hand over his face, he closes his eyes and Aaron’s heart goes out to him. He feels this fierce protectiveness reach over him.

“What’s he done?”

Nathan folds like paper and Aaron’s eyes flicker against how vulnerable he seems. He doesn’t know what he’s meant to stare so he waits until Nathan starts speaking again.

“He’s off the rails.” Aaron’s jaw locks as he listens. “He’s had ... he’s been tempted. He rang me instead.”

Aaron nods. “Good.” He says. “Well not good. But. It’s better than running away isn’t?”

Nathan sighs. “Yeah. I suppose so.”

“What kicked it off?”

Nathan rolls his eyes. “Some girl. Sophie. They’re off and on and ... I don’t know. He wouldn’t say much. But he’s in a bad way.”

Aaron brings his hand up towards Nathan’s shoulder and then clasps it around the back of Nathan’s neck. He breathes in against his forehead and then leans away.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Nathan shrugs. “You’re hardly his biggest fan.” He leans away from Aaron and turns off the stove. “Besides. You’ve been busy with work.”

Aaron gulps hard and his eyes flicker. He doesn’t know what to do with the guilt he feels but it keeps pouring in until he’s left feeling hollow.

“I’m never too busy to listen to you.” Aaron folds his arms over and looks serious. Nathan gives him this small smile and it makes things seem easier. “What do you want to do?”

Nathan sighs. “No clue.” He says. “My mum and dad want to see him though.”

Aaron frowns. “They’re in Wales.” Nathan nods slowly and Aaron realises what he’s saying. “So you’re thinking of going to visit them.”

Nathan shrugs. “What do you think?”

“Me?” Aaron scoffs. “They’re your parents, do you think they can help him?”

Nathan looks worried, confused about it all and Aaron thinks of how kind and patient he is until it’s difficult to breathe. Nathan’s also loud and annoying and pretends he knows how to play the guitar but he’s also _this_ and it’s exactly _this_ that makes Aaron love him the way he does.

It leaves things muddled and Nathan doesn’t really give him an answer until over dinner. He says he thinks they could help Sonny, but he doesn’t want to stress them out.

“They’re parents. That’s sort of their thing.” Aaron bites his lip. “I’d go.” Nathan looks up. “I’d see if it helps. It might.”

Nathan stays silent and Aaron reaches out to hold at his hand. He squeezes down gently.

“Maybe he needs to be somewhere else. Different scene. It could do him good. It could do you good as well.”

Nathan nods. “Yeah. Maybe. Just for a week or something.” He breathes in. “My mum hasn’t even seen you since we got ...”

Aaron stops listening and then thinks of Robert.

“I can’t go too.” Aaron says. Nathan looks at him like he’s confused. “Sonny doesn’t need me there watching him. He’s hardly my biggest fan is he?”

“Well that doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it does.” Aaron says. “He needs you and your parents. Not me.” He smiles and Nathan takes it. He smiles back and Aaron breathes in deeply.

Later, Nathan’s sitting cross legged on the sofa reading comics like an eight-year-old and Aaron has his hands through his hair. They’re meant to be watching _Die Hard_ but it’s almost been completely abandoned.

“You’re not watching this.” Aaron says. He elbows at Nathan and they end up tousling around like idiots until Aaron’s laughing breathlessly and Nathan’s kissing him. “You’re still not watching this.”

Nathan rolls his eyes. “And your still obsessed with black hoodies.”

“Oi.”

Nathan runs a hand over Aaron’s face. “You really think going to Wales will be good?” He asks, tilts his head to the side and Aaron nods.

“Yeah. I promise. It’ll be amazing for both of you.”

Nathan leans in again and Aaron holds him close before feeling something jolt in his chest. He hates himself over and over again.

—

Aaron knocks once and then twice before waiting. He stares at his ring on his finger and promptly pulls it off and into his pocket. It’s almost on instinct. He doesn’t want to even think about how bad it makes him feel. Aaron can hear Robert approaching because of his crutches only he’s quicker than last time. It makes him smile and then he’s practically grinning when Robert is opening the door and letting him inside.

He rearranges his face when Robert brings him close. Aaron has to steady the way Robert’s standing as they kiss and then he’s guiding them over to the sofa. He lays Robert down flat and they kiss for what feels like hours before Robert is coming up for air.

“It’s been ages.” Robert says. He plays with the cushion next to him and then sits it against his stomach. He feels almost way too needy for words and Aaron nods.

“Yeah I know. I missed you.”

“Missed what? We’ve hardly been getting up to anything have we?” Robert gulps hard. He thinks of what Vic said when she came round the other day. She’d mentioned that Aaron not showing his face whilst he was injured was telling. It stuck.

Aaron scoffs. “We don’t need to.”

Robert looks up through thick blond lashes and Aaron’s hand creeps up towards him again. “Getting satisfied enough in that department.”

Aaron stops. 

“I shouldn’t have — I didn’t –” Robert runs a hand across his face and sighs.

“Where’s that come from?” Aaron asks.

“Nowhere. I’m just — I missed you. I missed this and Vic said some things which made me ...”

Aaron frowns. “Of course she did.”

“She’s looking out for me.”

Aaron swings his legs off the sofa and runs a hand over his beard. “Big bad Aaron.”

“Don’t.”

Aaron thinks about how a couple of weeks ago, he would have been out the door so quickly by now. He would have slammed doors and shouted and pretended like he didn’t even want to be with Robert in the first place. But now is now. It’s different.

Aaron turns towards Robert. “You know how I feel. About this. About you.”

Robert looks at his leg and nearly smiles. “Took that for me to see.”

Aaron bites his lip and breathes in shakily before turning towards Robert again with this serious look in his eyes. “I’m here with you because I want to be here with you.”

Robert blinks gently.

“Because I missed you. It’s felt like ages.” Aaron closes his eyes and then he’s leaning towards Robert and kissing him gently. Robert’s head tips back against the sofa and Aaron sits on top of him carefully. They keep kissing, and Aaron’s hand travels down towards Robert’s jeans.

“‘M not up to anything else.” Robert says, when Aaron makes him buck up. Aaron kisses Robert again.

“We don’t need anything else.” Aaron says. He leans off Robert a few seconds later. Robert’s got this dazed smile on his face that won’t budge, and Aaron gets up to get a rag for him.

He comes back a few minutes later only to get up again when Robert realises he needs to take his tablets. Aaron gets him a glass of water and comes back into the room to see Robert sitting up straighter and his jeans back on.

Aaron instantly realises he’s hiding something and sets the glass of water down on the table. He comes towards the sofa, sits and sees that he’s got a text. It’s still visible on the screen.

“Going away with him.” Robert says. He doesn’t even say Nathan’s name.

Aaron frowns and sees that Nathan’s sent a confirmation for the time him and Sonny are leaving.

“It’s not that.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “You don’t need to lie.” He shrugs. “I don’t even get to be angry do I? I don’t ..." He stops as Aaron comes towards him, kneels on the sofa and then hears the sound of Aaron’s ring falling to the ground.

“Robert.” Aaron panics. Robert stares at the floor until Aaron’s picking it up. “I didn’t want you to ...”

Robert can’t work out if it being hidden away from him is better or worse. He doesn’t know. He can’t think until it’s in Aaron’s pocket again. It’s so easily there. Aaron can so easily just switch off.

“To know the truth.” Robert twitches. “You’re engaged. Trust me, I know.”

Aaron looks sheepish. “I know but a ring is ...”

“Constant reminder. In my face.” Robert looks away. “Not like I can change it though?”

Aaron’s eyes dart.

“It’s a nice ring.” Robert nods. “Fancy weekend away to celebrate that he knows your size now?”

“Don’t be mean.”

“Mean?” Robert tries to keep a lid on what he’s feeling. He remembers his plan, the long game he’s playing.

“Yeah. Mean.” Aaron snaps. “Because I ain’t going anywhere.” He says. Robert frowns. “It’s for him and Sonny. They’re going to Wales to see their parents.”

Robert looks surprised. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. It’s ‘cause Sonny needs help.” Aaron says. “And I’m a _dick_ for even using this as a ...”

“As a what?” Robert whispers.

Aaron licks his lips and comes towards Robert again. “Chance to be with you. No distractions. No having to go.” He whispers against Robert’s lips. “Just me and you.”

“Just me and you.” Robert says. It’s almost a question and Aaron nods against it before kissing him slowly.

“I mean it.”

Robert bites his lip the way Aaron usually does and then he's pulling Aaron closer towards him so that it’s difficult to breathe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Home farm week is on the way ...


	28. A week in your bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert navigate getting to be ‘normal’ with each other for a week whilst Nathan is in Wales. Aaron arouses suspicion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter guys. 
> 
> Also just a little warning that Aaron and Robert discuss Aaron’s self harming in one scene.

Nathan’s packed a small rucksack and Aaron tells him he’s being stupid if he thinks he won’t need anymore.

“I used to be a Cub ...”

“ _Scout_ yes. I know. Don’t mean you can handle a week in Wales off of two tops.”

Nathan pinches Aaron’s waist and starts looking for his headphones. “Well I don’t see us doing a lot. I don’t need loads of stuff.” He finds them by the bookcase and then looks towards Aaron. “You sure you don’t fancy it?”

Aaron tuts. “It’s not that I don’t. I just think you should be with your family. Sonny needs you. He doesn’t need me.”

“I do.”

Aaron feels his heart pound and then Nathan’s smiling. “You _dick_. You made me feel bad then.” He says.

Nathan swoops forward and kisses Aaron. They’re almost up against the wall when there’s a knock on the door and Sonny’s standing there looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.

“One sec.” Nathan says to his brother. He de-tangles himself from Aaron and gets his rucksack on before sighing. “I’m going to miss you.”

Aaron has a hand on Nathan’s chest. “Of course you are.” He jokes and then he kisses Nathan. “I’ll miss you too.”

Nathan smiles. “So much that you can start planning for the wedding?”

Aaron itches his eyebrow. “Planning what?”

Nathan pulls this face. “A date would be a good start.” Aaron goes to say something, and he crowds his space again. “For every decision you make, I could promise to do something to ...”

Sonny’s just there, ruining whatever mood Nathan’s trying to create. Aaron looks at him and then clears his throat before Nathan’s leaning away.

“I’ll bore my mum with our non-existent wedding plans then.” Nathan says. He gets to the door and Aaron follows. He even tries to smile at Sonny. He gets this look back.

“Hope this is good for you.” Aaron offers as Sonny goes to leave with Nathan.

Sonny nods his head slowly. “Cheers.” He says. It’s almost the sincerest he’s ever looked, and Aaron feels another whack of guilt hit him hard over the head.

It stays as he watches Nathan and Sonny drive away. The only thing that helps it subside is the text from Robert saying that he’ll be at his in less than an hour.

Aaron looks around the room and then spots Nathan’s shoes by the door. He stares and then looks down at his engagement ring. His eyes close shut for a second and then he grabs his keys and leaves.

—

Robert watches his mum fluff his pillow and he hobbles over towards her from the bathroom. His phone is in his pocket and he thinks about seeing Aaron until there’s a small smile on his face.

“Mum. I’m fine without you here.” Robert tells her. She looks appalled and he laughs. “I’m basically all better.”

“Only because you’ve been lounging about doing nothing and letting me help you.” Sarah says. Robert rolls his eyes and sits on the sofa before feeling his phone vibrate and seeing that Aaron’s text back.

When he looks up again, Sarah is pulling this face and he instantly knows not to even say anything.

“That’s Aaron. I take it.”

Robert plays with his phone and then sets it aside. “Yeah. I know you’re worried. Vic’s probably told you he hasn’t come to see me. But he has.”

Sarah looks away. “She only says things because she’s looking out for you.”

Robert shrugs. “Well she doesn’t have to. He’s been here. He’s ... I believe him when he says he cares mum. It’s not just about ... you know ...” His face reddens. “I know that now.”

Sarah looks towards the door. “You’re going to see him aren’t you?” Robert gulps. “That’s why you want me out?”

“I don’t want you out.” Robert says. Sarah gives him this look. “OK fine. He’s asked me to come over.”

“Is that wise?”

“It is when Nathan’s away yeah.”

Sarah stops, turns towards Robert. “So you’re sneaking up there for a few days?”

Robert shrugs. “No. Maybe just tonight but — and I’m not sneaking off.”

Sarah nods. “Right. Because Nathan’s away.” She looks like she’s holding stuff in and Robert’s thankful and frustrated at the same time. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. He nods his head and Sarah gives his weary look back.

—

Aaron opens the door to Robert with this nervous look on his face. He takes him in slowly and then has the door slightly ajar as Robert walks in. He notices that Robert isn’t limping the way he thought he would. It’s suddenly nowhere near as noticeable as he thought it would be.

Robert bites his lip as he comes into the living room and looks around. “See you’ve tidied up.”

Aaron pulls this face. “See you’re making out like you’re limp ain’t that bad.”

Robert turns. He’s steadied himself against the wall and his leather jacket and the way his back is arching out makes Aaron stubbornly find it all sexy. “It’s fine.”

Only it isn’t really. Instead, it’s a memory of Robert alone and Aaron not with him because he was with someone else. Aaron scratches his eyebrow and Robert looks at how Aaron’s moved the coffee table closer towards the sofa so that he can rest his leg. It leaves Robert touched.

“You just going to stand over there the whole time?” Aaron asks, cutting off the silence.

Robert shakes his head. “My leg hurts.”

Aaron pulls a face. “Thought it didn’t.”

Robert shrugs. “I can use it when I like.”

“Can you now?

Robert nods his head easily at Aaron. “Yeah.” He says gently, a smile creeping across his face.

Aaron walks over and sighs. “You’re difficult do you know that?”

Aaron’s happy they’re back to being like this, able to poke and tease. He feels suddenly so happy that he was lucky enough for Robert to let him in again.

Robert huffs, looks at the door. “Should I walk out?

Aaron scoffs. “You mean hobble?”

Robert’s eyes widen and he gasps. “Shut your face.” He says, shaking his head.

Aaron bites his lip the way he always seems to. “Make me.”

Aaron kisses him with this force that makes Robert laugh. It’s easy. It’s so easy that Aaron doesn’t know what else to think about until Robert is leaning away and resting his forehead against Aaron’s. He looks towards the kitchen and sees some popcorn out on the counter.

“Hope it’s sweet.”

Aaron grimaces. “Salt’s better.” Aaron leans away from Robert and goes towards the kitchen. Robert follows him. Aaron holds up the packet and turns the packet over. “Good thing I bought salt and sweet. Mixed.”

Robert looks impressed. “What’s the occasion?”

Aaron blushes. He goes towards the fridge and pulls out a pack of beers. Robert pokes his head in and sees Aaron take out a plate of two steaks. Then he’s clearing his throat.

“There’s a film on later. Star Wars.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and he dips his head as he fights this need to blush. “Which one?”

Aaron looks caught off guard. “The good one.” He blurts out. “Thought you’d like it.” Robert looks down at the steaks. “Might make up for me trying to cook.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I know.” Aaron says. He plays with his hands and then drums them against his side. “But I’ve put peppercorns now so ...”

“Peppercorns?”

“For the sauce.” Aaron says it like it’s completely obvious.

“Pulling out all the stops then.”

Aaron shrugs and then looks up. “Is that a bad thing?”

“What?” Robert comes closer and has a hand on Aaron’s waist. “Don’t be silly.”

“I just ... I want this to be good. We need this. Me and you. Alone.” Aaron looks around. “I don’t know about us being here the whole time, it’d feel ...” He gulps. “But tonight and tomorrow night and all the other nights I want it to feel normal.”

Robert smiles nervously. “I like the sound of that.”

—

Aaron goes for medium rare for the steaks, but they end up verging on the well-cooked side of things. Robert pretends like it’s terrible for a second and Aaron calls him an idiot for it before they’re back to being them.

Robert looks around and wonders if he’s sitting where Nathan does. The thought sticks around for longer than he’d like it to. He sits up straighter, plays with his knife and fork and then leans over to get some of the peppercorn sauce Aaron’s made. It’s sort of lumpy. It’s nice though.

“Do you hate it?”

Robert’s eyes widen. “No. Why’d you think I hate it?”

Aaron plays with his food like a child. “Your face.” He says. “Mainly.”

Robert frowns. “It’s nice. Really nice.” He says before smiling.

Aaron smiles back. He looks chuffed. Robert soaks it in and makes a point of adding more of the sauce to his plate just to make Aaron smile more. It feels civilised. It feels like nothing else is happening. If Robert tries, he can imagine himself always being here. This is just a normal night, well more like extraordinary because Aaron’s actually _cooked_ and it’s a big thing.

Aaron only looks away when his phone buzzes against the table. He looks down and sees it’s Nathan. Robert feels this wave of something as Aaron grabs the phone and types something back before putting it down again and turning it over.

Robert stares at the phone awkwardly. “Is ... his brother alright?” Aaron looks up. “I’m not even sure I should be asking that actually.”

Aaron sighs. “He’s away from me so he’s doing amazing.”

Robert sips his beer and there’s this heavy set smirk on his face. Aaron rolls his eyes, and he sits straighter.

“What?” Aaron shrugs, he pouts like a child. “It’s annoying.”

Robert arches an eyebrow. “He’s still suspicious then.” He’s not sure if he wants Sonny to be or not. He pictures him knowing, telling Nathan and things ending badly. It goes against what he wants to happen. Sometimes the idea catches him out. He thinks of Aaron actually realising Robert is everything to him, not just bits and pieces, and leaving Nathan with sadness in his heart that doesn’t match relief.

Aaron nods and he’s knocked out of it. “But his drug problem’s a lot bigger.” He says. It comes out quickly and he shuts his eyes. “That sounds proper bad.”

Robert gives a thin smile. “I know what you mean.” He says. “Don’t feel bad.”

Aaron sips his beer in big gulps. “That he hates me?” He shakes his head. “I’m used to it. Speaking of which ...” He leans over a little. “Does your sister know you’re here?”

Robert thinks of the mood changing. He sees how tense Aaron looks and he feels guilty for it.

“She doesn’t hate you.”

Aaron pulls this face. “Most people do.”

Robert leans over and kisses Aaron. It takes Aaron by surprise and Robert catches the side of his mouth. “I don’t.”

Robert leans back again and thinks of how Aaron would be if Nathan knew, if this whole conversation was happening after Nathan knew everything. He’d still be like this, sad, guilty. Robert tries to ignore it. He thinks about the weight Aaron would have off his shoulders.

Aaron warms. “That’s because I sleep with you.”

Robert frowns. “And you make a decent steak.”

Aaron relaxes a little. Robert sees him unravel into this softness and he welcomes it. “Just decent?”

Robert bites his lip. “Amazing then.” He says. He looks down again and then up. “My mum knows.” Aaron’s eyes widen. “But I’m a big boy.” He shrugs. “So she doesn’t really get a say.”

Aaron scoffs. “Try saying the same to my mum.” He says.

Robert pulls this face. “I’ve got a feeling she’d hate me.” He says. Aaron doesn’t say no. It’s fantastic.

“She’d ... you’re smarmy half the time so yeah.”

“Keep the compliments coming.” Robert says. He goes to drink his beer again and Aaron’s foot slides over his underneath the table.

“She’d think that but then she’d see how I feel about you and she’d ...”

Aaron stops and he’s bright red by the time Robert is staring into his blue eyes. This feeling takes over and Robert wonders if Aaron’s fallen into his trap and pretended like they’re in another world where meeting Chas is just around the corner.

Aaron clears his throat and then moves his plate away from him before scooting closer towards Robert and holding a hand to the back of Robert’s neck.

“I’m so happy you’re here.” Aaron says. He’s soft and gentle with the way he speaks and Robert’s left feeling like the only person in the world who matters to Aaron.

It’s intoxicating. It leads to them making a mess of the sofa and missing half of the film whilst Aaron ruts underneath Robert’s hold.

The moon is up, and the sky is this velvet black colour by the time Robert’s stopped shaking. He’s coming down from another high with Aaron on top of him, spread out and smiling. He hardly has any energy left in him but they somehow managed to get to Aaron’s room. Aaron holds his hand as they move together again, Robert’s knuckles white as they hug the black sheets.

Robert feels Aaron flop against him, sees stars as he closes his eyes shut and they’re there again when he opens them. The sky is even darker than it was before. He stares until Aaron’s face in right in front of his and he’s kissing him over and over again, small soft pecks that make Robert feel like he’s melting.

Eventually Aaron moves away and runs a hand over Robert’s hair. He’s almost soaking him in.

“You’re so beautiful.” Aaron whispers. It makes Robert’s skin bubble and his breath hitch in his throat. Aaron doesn’t say stuff like that. It makes it mean more than Aaron probably realises.

“So are you.” Robert huffs, still finding it hard to breathe.

Aaron keeps looking at Robert, eyes so blue and soft. His chin is on Robert’s chest now and he tilts up just to smile. “That was ...”

“Which time?”

Aaron bites his lip. “All the times. All of you. ”

Robert cups Aaron’s face in his hand. Aaron leans over a little so that he kisses Robert’s palm and then looks up at him.

“This is what we needed.” Aaron says. He gulps hard. “Just you and me and ...” He sighs. “It’s what I wanted ever since I walked out when you told me you loved ...”

Robert thinks of the memory and it’s painful. It’s _still_ painful. “Don’t.”

“No because you still think your leg ...”

“My leg yeah. I didn’t do so badly did I?” Robert shifts the conversation as best he can and leans to press his face against Aaron’s. Aaron gives up, doesn’t refuse him a kiss or two and then he pushes Robert off again.

“Robert.” Aaron whispers against Robert‘s lips. “I was just scared. I was so scared of what everything was meaning.”

Robert gulps. “So was I.”

Aaron nods. “But I was a coward too.” He says. “I couldn’t get you out of my head.” He looks at where his engagement ring should be. He thinks about the drawer it’s tucked in. Then up at Robert. “It doesn’t change a single thing.”

Robert looks away. “You’ve said this.”

“I just want you to know.” Aaron’s eyes are heavy with something. “It doesn’t change how I need you. I need you.”

Aaron kisses Robert again and then they’re sprawled out on the bed again. In between the way Robert is making Aaron moan, he hears him say “Always” and it makes him melt all over again.

—

Aaron wakes up early and watches Robert sleep. He doesn’t want to leave him but there’s the small matter of work that he has to contend with.

He eats toast by the frame of the door, work shirt on, tie fitted, ready to leave when Robert starts to stir awake. Aaron can’t help but smile at how sleepy Robert still looks. There’s a vulnerability there that whacks him over the head and makes Aaron ten times more guilty for ever hurting him.

“It lives.”

Robert pulls a face. “This bed’s comfy.” He shrugs. “What can I say?”

Aaron’s still smiling.

“Work.” Robert points to Aaron’s tie and then pouts. “I don’t want you to go.” He says.

Aaron steps forward, he’s still eating his slice of toast and bends down to kiss Robert. Robert yanks his head back. “What?”

“Crumbs. You heathen.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and sits on the bed slowly. He looks at the picture of Nathan and him on the bedside and then realises he needs to answer a text of his back. He stares and then looks back at Robert. His bare shoulders are scattered with freckles. Aaron thinks it makes Robert the most special bloke in the world. The thought is daft but it’s there.

“I heard you last night.” Robert looks down. “Tossing and turning.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Last night was amazing.” He says. “I didn’t expect ... it was everything. But it was here. It was _here_ and that means ...”

“I know what you’re going to say.”

Aaron relaxes. “It just feels wrong. Too much. I don’t know.”

“Good thing I do then.” Robert leans up, back against the headboard. “Mine instead tonight?”

Aaron frowns. He doesn’t know what to say for a second. “It’s not you.”

“Don’t say it’s not you it’s me.” Robert tells him. He tries to shut him up and it seems to work. Aaron leans in and kisses him gently. “I get it.” He whispers.

Aaron pulls away and has his hands on Robert’s chest. “Thank you.” He whispers back. Robert looks down at his hands and then up again. “What?”

Robert sighs. “I’m not going to ask, because last night ... I saw all of you so.” He shrugs, looks like he can’t quite get his words out. “But I know this must be ...”

Aaron breathes in. “No.” He says. “I haven’t.” He tells him. “Thought about it? Yeah.” He looks almost through Robert as he speaks. “Yeah I have.”

Robert shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have ...”

“What? Asked?” Aaron shakes his head back. “I get why you would.” He looks down and plays with his hands, he’s pressing his nails into his knuckles and then stopping. “He’d know, see.”

Robert gulps. “I ...”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t hate myself for this. I’ve just got better at ...” Aaron sniffs. “Like when I push you away. Self-sabotage. I don’t deserve this but I’m still doing it.”

Robert wants to shake Aaron, tell him that he does deserve happiness but that means being honest. Choosing. Picking.

“I don’t need to tell you to not hurt yourself.” Robert says. “You don’t need to hear that from me.”

Aaron shudders. “I know.” He says. “It’s not your problem. I’m not going to sit here telling you how I’m dealing with the guilt of ...”

Robert looks away. He wants to tell Aaron to talk to someone, but he isn’t exactly sure who. “Have you got ... I don’t know ... a counsellor or ...”

“For having affairs?”

Robert sighs gently. “To talk to.” He shudders. “I don’t want you to ...”

Aaron gulps. He thinks of how well he’s been handling it, how he’s going to teeter over the edge again soon. He thinks about the run he thought about having last night, just up and leaving in the dead of night until he wouldn’t be able to breathe right.

Aaron shakes himself out of his thoughts and kisses Robert slowly on the mouth. He stays against his lips and closes his eyes gently. There’s nothing for a second or two. He wonders suddenly if Robert thinks he’s responsible for whatever dark punishing thoughts he has over all of this.

“You make it better.” Aaron says. “All the noise stops.” He whispers. Robert tilts his head up and Aaron kisses him again. It’s so quiet between them that Aaron can hear the birds chirping outside. “I have to go but ... stay if you want.”

Robert nods slowly but sits up straighter like he doesn’t really want to be where Nathan sleeps anymore.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to go to yours together but ... there’s plenty in.” Aaron says. “Could rustle yourself up something.”

Robert shrugs. “Might go for a walk.”

Aaron scowls.

“What? It’s good for circulation.”

Aaron bites his lip. “We got enough of that last night. Promise you.” He whispers.

Robert’s eyes flicker as he smiles.

“I’ll see you at yours then tonight?”

Robert nods slowly and Aaron smiles before disappearing. “Aaron.” He calls. Aaron’s there in seconds. “That’s the ugliest tie I’ve ever seen by the way.”

Aaron stares down and holds the tail of the tie up towards him. “Prick.” He says, the smile on his face won’t budge as he disappears again.

—

Aaron misses a couple of calls from his mum and decides to pay her a visit instead of letting her stew. Robert’s in his ear as well, banging on about not making her think anything is up.

“She’s eating into our time.” Aaron says. He’s pulling this face as he drags his hoodie on and twists his trainers on.

Robert sits up from the bed. “She’s probably just worried.” He says. “I’ve been keeping you to myself.”

Aaron looks down at Robert. “Yeah and it’s been amazing.” He says before biting his lip and looking around Robert’s bedroom. He looks at himself in the wardrobe mirror and then steps away from the bed.

Just over an hour later he’s at his mum’s pub sipping a pint under her watchful gaze. She’s got this bright blue cardigan on and her arms are folded as she looks at him and then gets pulled away to a customer. It gives him chance to breathe, play with his ring that he’s put back on his finger. It feels like a life line until she’s sliding back over and pecking his head.

“I called you last night.”

Aaron thinks of how he was too busy rolling around in Robert’s bed to even hear his phone go off. The thought makes him turn red and he has to clear his throat to quieten his mind.

“Yeah. And I answered ... by coming here.”

Chas frowns. “Nice one.” She says, though she still looks so thoroughly unimpressed. Aaron appeases her by saying he’s sorry, but she doesn’t seem to buy it, or doesn’t care, or _something_. “I was in town. Near yours. Thought I’d pop in.”

Aaron chews at his lip like he doesn’t know what else to do. His eyes dip to his engagement ring and then up towards his mum again.

“But the guy at the front said you weren’t in, something about a mate you’d probably be with.”

Marlon bobs out of the kitchen and Aaron waves him down to order a pie and chips.

“Oh _hi_ Marlon, how’ve you been?” Marlon says, he’s only half joking and Aaron doesn’t know when his family became _this_ irritating but it’s too hard to ignore now. “Congrats by the way.”

Aaron frowns.

“The engagement.” Marlon says. “Oh. Have I put my foot in it? Are you two not ...”

Aaron gulps thickly. “ _No_. We are. Sorry. Yeah. Cheers.” He says. He waves a hand up again and Marlon shuffles away. For a second he thinks Chas has dropped the inquisition but then she gives him this look. “Yeah. I was out last night. Is that the big deal?”

Chas shrugs. “There’s no _big deal_.” She tells him. “I just went round to see you and you weren’t in.”

“Yeah we gathered that.”

Chas shrugs again. “Go anywhere nice?”

“What?”

“With your mate?”

Aaron bites his lip hard and plays with the hem of his hoodie before leaning against the bar, elbows pushed firmly. “He ain’t a mate. It was … work … related.”

Chas pulls a face, she looks impressed. “But that bloke said he saw him at yours too?”

Aaron gulps hard again. “Yeah well it was for a deal we’re working on.” He feels himself unravelling and he doesn’t know what he’s meant to say next.

“Sorted now?”

Marlon comes out with his food and he leans back to let the plate sit in front of him. Aaron pulls this face that makes Marlon think he has a problem with, and he has to have a whole to and fro thing with him for a couple of minutes.

“It’s all sorted mum.” Aaron says, mainly because he can’t bring himself to continue whatever this is. Chas nods slowly.

“Sorry if I made it sound like you had to come and see me.” Chas says, she has her arms folded again and she frowns.

“Yeah right. You always want to see me.”

“Well that’s ‘cause you’re always my little boy.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and then looks at his phone. Robert’s sent him a text about them having a movie night when he gets back. Aaron practically vibrates with excitement over it and Chas leans over slightly.

“Nathan I take it.”

Aaron puts his phone down. “He’s back soon.” He says. “So you can keep badgering him about wedding plans.”

“I’m doing no such thing.” Chas lies, then she’s smirking. “If anything I’m keeping stuff in.”

“We’ve only been engaged five minutes.”

“So?”

Aaron bites his lip. “True. But I want it to be special, no crazy stuff from your end of things.” Chas pulls this face. “ _Special_ mum.”

Nathan’s sent him a picture of some shortbread his mum makes; says he’s missing him.

 _Missing you more_. Aaron says. He even adds an x to it before pressing send.

—

Aaron’s got a small overnight bag back at Robert’s but he still manages to forget enough work shirts for the week. He takes a detour home before going to Robert’s and manages to bump straight into Nigel at the door. He looks at him and thinks about the fact that he’s drip fed his mum all this stuff that has not one single thing to do with him.

He offers him this jolly look that quickly mellows out into this suspicion. Aaron grabs hold of it and then throws a look back.

“Oh. Haven’t seen you here for a ...”

”And?” Aaron feels himself turning sharper. His jaw locks in place and Nigel just stands there with this vacant look on his face.

“Your mum was here yesterday, I just ...”

“You’re not my PA. So next time don’t _just_ tell her anything. You got that?” Aaron barks, growls like a dog who’s been caught doing something it shouldn’t. Nigel looks at him up and down.

“What’s the problem?”

“You. Stay out of my businesses or I’ll report you to the building management team.”

“For what Aaron? I was only telling her you were probably with that work friend a …”

“Again. Nothing to do with you.” Aaron snaps. “So back off.”

Nigel does. He backs away and gets behind his desk again and Aaron doesn’t look back to see what expression he’s pulling.

—

Aaron’s staring at Robert’s vacant chair and thinking about the fact that he was only half hobbling about making Aaron breakfast this morning. He said he was trying to be nice, romantic even and naturally it resulted in Aaron dragging him back into bed and abandoning his plans to get to work on time.

Robert’s better now. He’s not limping nearly as bad as he was, but Aaron’s scared they’ll he’ll push himself into overdoing things when he shouldn’t. He should be resting, and Aaron should be taking care of him. He has been. It’s been days at his, Aaron doing the heavy lifting in more ways than one.

Aaron’s grown to like Robert’s place. He’s looking past the weird selective artwork and the way everything seems to be higher tech than it needs to be. He has a remote garlic presser. Aaron doesn’t need to say anything more.

It’s not like he can anyway when he hears heels approach him and Leyla’s coming closer. She’s got this bright yellow suit on and her hair is shorter than he remembers it being. He’s not sure if she’s cut it or it’s grown out since he last properly paid her attention, so he decides not to say a single word about it.

“Aww. Missing him?” Leyla asks. She’s not stopping for once; she’s got files in her hands that look like Jimmy’s problem. Only she has to have a chat, she has to.

Aaron looks up. He’s been staring at Robert’s chair for longer than he realises and the obviousness of it is making him sweat. “What?”

Leyla smirks and then waves a hand out. The files nearly fall out of her hold and Aaron’s not sure the drama of her waving was even slightly worth it. “Don’t lie to me. I’ve seen your face. All glum.”

Aaron clears his throat and he’s turning redder. “It’s not like that.” Naturally his eyes dart towards Robert’s stupid chair again.

Leyla is still smirking her smirk when he looks back at her. Then she’s shaking her hand and telling him that it’s completely natural to.

“Sound like Bernice.”

Leyla looks offended.

“Seriously. I don’t miss him.”

“You’re bound to.” Leyla tells him. “Not only is he your fiancé but he’s upt and left before you’ve even set a date.”

Aaron blinks out quickly and feels this feeling travel straight through him. He’s sure it’s relief. Then he’s sure it’s guilt. “I ...”

“Am rubbish at saying what I _really_ think?” Leyla nods her head like she’s answering for him. He lets her. She leaves then and Aaron twists his wheeled chair around to look out the window. He gets a pen out and chews it like a five-year-old.

The clouds are high in the sky and Aaron stares thinking until Finn is in his ear about fixing something on his computer. Aaron takes the time to get out his phone and see if Nathan’s left him any messages.

There’s a photo of Nathan sticking his tongue out surrounded by rolling fields and Sonny’s stupid head in the background. Aaron strokes over the picture before looking at the other messages and seeing that Robert’s asking if he wants to order something in tonight.

Aaron’s struck by the two messages and then decides to call Nathan. Aaron waits for four rings to pass until he’s hearing Nathan’s voice loud and clear.

“Hey you.” Aaron’s saying. He sounds excited and Nathan’s voice is almost as happy. It makes something get lodged in Aaron’s heart. He feels this happiness hit him over the head about the firm grasp he still has over him and Nathan. It’s _good_ and he’s _lucky_. “How’s it going?”

“Better now I’m hearing you.” Nathan whispers. His voice has changed and Aaron’s worried until Nathan’s telling him that they basically had a big slinging match yesterday round the dinner table. “Sonny threw my mum’s favourite china dish so ...”

Aaron hisses. “Don’t sound too good.”

“Yeah. It isn’t. Everyone was shouting and ...” Aaron feels his heart go. “But today’s a new day. I think they just blame themselves for not being able to help Sonny kick the habit when it was just a habit. Now it’s ...”

Aaron sighs gently. This feeling of going through the motions as if he’s Nathan himself is something that connects them in a way he can’t ever turn his back on. He’s exhausted for him. Aaron rubs a hand over his face. “I know.” He says slowly. “Just give it time though yeah?”

Nathan sniffs. Aaron hears the wind pick up wherever Nathan is. “We’re going on a family walk now.” Aaron doesn’t need to even say anything. “Yes I can hear you trying not to laugh. It’s what my family do.”

“Never said a word mate.”

“Yeah yeah. Not all of ours can be hardened criminals.”

Aaron bites his lip. “They’re not hardened. Maybe Cain. Just Cain. Oi. Marlon’s just a _chef_.”

Nathan laughs. “True.” He says. There’s a beat of silence before Nathan asks what Aaron’s been up to.

Aaron’s eyes shoot over to Robert’s desk and then he looks down at the carpet. He goes to reply when Finn is asking him for his password to reboot the system. Aaron darts him a look to tell him to wait a second. “Umm. Not much. Just work. Missing you. Takeaways.”

Nathan sighs gently. “I’ll be back soon.”

Aaron feels the news hit him like a bucket of cold water. He’s only got a few days left in the bubble he’s stupidly created with Robert. He freezes around it before Finn’s back pecking his head about his flipping computer and he’s forced to tell Nathan he has to hang up.

—

Aaron has his hands wrapped around Robert’s waist and he kisses him gently, open mouthed and wanting. Robert indulges him for the briefest of seconds before leaning away and checking on the dinner he’s done for both of them.

“It’s a Shepard’s pie.” Aaron mumbles. He tugs and pulls Robert impossibly closer. “I’m right here.” He says. “Wanting you.”

“Yeah and so does the pie.”

Aaron frowns. “You’re picking a pie over me.”

Robert rolls his eyes and grazes his nose over Aaron’s. He closes his eyes softly and then nods his head. “Appears so.”

Aaron shakes his head and then watches as Robert walks towards the kitchen. Aaron leans against the wall watching him before suddenly taking his top off. Robert doesn’t even notice until he hears the clanging of the belt and realises what’s happening.

Robert turns to see Aaron in only his boxers and this small smirk on his face. “What are you playing at?”

Aaron looks down at himself and then watches as Robert comes towards him like he’s racing back to a magnet. Aaron arches an eyebrow and then shrugs his shoulders.

“I’m going to have a shower before dinner. Not sure about you.” Aaron says. Robert marvels at him for a second and feels this ripple in his stomach. He isn’t sure if it’ll ever leave.

Robert bites his lip and then his eyes flicker as he watches Aaron walk towards his bathroom. Aaron only pokes his head out to smirk at Robert and tell him that he could be quick or long. It’s up to Robert.

The words make Robert rolls his eyes playfully and he’s halfway towards the bathroom when there’s a knock on the door. Robert wants to ignore it and then it’s more persistent. He frowns as he goes turns towards the door and then sees that it’s his mum standing on the other side.

“Not fussing, just checking how you are. You haven’t surfaced for ages.” Sarah moseys her way into the flat and squeezes at Robert’s arm before realising that he’s cooking. “I could have made you something.”

Robert sort of freezes under the fact that Aaron’s here and she’s here and she’s definitely going to have something to say about it. It’ll probably start with what and end with here and he doesn’t want to get into it.

“You don’t need to.” Robert shrugs. He sits slowly on the sofa and motions for her to do the same. He doesn’t want her walking around and seeing the two glasses he’s got out for him and Aaron. Eventually she sits and he has her attention. “I’m back at work next week.”

“That soon?”

“I’ve already taken ages off.” Robert says. “I hurt my leg and had a fall. Hardly worth all of this.” Sarah goes to speak. “I know, could have died. I’m good at surviving though aren’t I?”

Sarah nods her head and then smiles. “I was here to actually ... well to see you and to ... let you know that I’m sort of seeing someone love.”

Robert frowns slightly in shock. It just sort of comes out and Sarah looks more nervous than he did when she walked in. He doesn’t say anything, just stares and then suddenly the bathroom door is opening, and Aaron’s got this tiny fucking towel around his middle and this scowl on his face.

“That teasing meant I wanted you to join me not just piss about with a Shepard’s p...”

Aaron’s eyes are so wide and blue as he sees Robert sitting on the sofa with his mum. They’re both just sitting there looking up at him. Sarah’s bright red. Aaron’s even redder. Robert wants the world to end.

“Oh my –” Aaron staggers back against the wall. “Sarah. Hi. How are — um ...” Robert can hear how nervous Aaron sounds and he just sits in silence before Sarah is clearing her throat and looking at Aaron like she’s too startled to speak.

“Why don’t you ...” Robert waves a hand out and Aaron backs into the wall before going back into the bathroom. The door shuts loudly, and Robert looks towards Sarah. “He’s ...”

“Practically moved in.” Sarah says. “I didn’t realise you two were ...”

“I never lied to you.”

Sarah shakes her head at him. “Love. It’s like you’re just burying your head in the sand.” The timer for the pie goes off and Robert stands awkwardly to take it out the oven.

Sarah follows him, red jumper on and a checked open shirt over it. Robert watches her for a second. She’s staring at the Shepard’s pie.

“It’s just a Shepard’s pie.”

“My recipe.” Sarah tuts and then the bathroom door opens and Aaron’s got clothes on again. He pads towards the kitchen and smiles nervously at Sarah. Robert finds it so weird seeing him act like this in front of someone. He usually barks and growls if someone doesn’t take a liking to him.

“It’s amazing. You’re a good — chef.” Aaron lets out this awkward laugh and Sarah gives him this tight smile that doesn’t meet her eyes. “I mean I haven’t tried it, but the lasagna definitely was something ...”

“This little set up definitely is something.”

Robert’s shoulders sag. “Mum.”

“She’s right. It’s something. I know. We obviously didn’t expect you.” Aaron says. He speaks for both of them. Robert wants him to stop talking and yet smiles at the same time. “But I wouldn’t be here all week if I didn’t ...”

“So you’re only with him for real when your boyfriend isn’t around. Actually scratch that. Fiancé. Right?” Sarah makes the point of looking down at Aaron’s engagement ring. Robert’s forced to stare too.

“Don’t ruin this.” Robert whispers. “Please.”

“Me?” Sarah shakes her head. “He’s only here because his fiancé’s away. Right?”

Aaron’s heart thumps. “I’m here because I want to be.” He says. Sarah scoffs. “I mean it.”

“That’s just a roundabout way of ignoring the fact that you wouldn’t be if you _couldn’t_.”

Robert sighs hard and stares at his mum. “What happened to you staying out of this mum?”

Sarah frowns. “I was. I’ve been biting my tongue so hard I’m surprised I haven’t bled to death. But playing domestics like this? You’re going to break your own heart.”

It’s like this massive elephant in the room. The idea that somehow this is all going to end at some point. Badly. Robert looks down at the floor and then up again.

Aaron doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t try to deny it and Robert feels this wave of uncertainty whack him over the head.

Sarah shakes her head. “I was here to tell you about Mark but I’m ... not really up to sharing relationship stuff now.” She shakes her head and then gets towards the door. “I’ll see you on Sunday. If you’re still free?”

Robert nods slowly and then she’s leaving. Aaron looks at Robert and has this guilt on his face for making whatever just happened happen in the first place. Robert turns away and then the next minute he knows Aaron’s following Sarah outside.

Aaron manages to catch her before she’s in her car again. She walks fast for a woman of her age. He’s close to telling her but then realises that she’d probably kick him in the balls or something.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron blurts out. Sarah gets her car keys out and gives Aaron this look. “It must have been a shock. Seeing me when you didn’t ... realise I’d be there.”

Sarah gulps hard. “He’s away then.” She asks. “Where’s your ...” Sarah’s eyes search Aaron’s hands and then she nods. “Ah. I see. You think it will make things easier?”

Aaron breathes in. “I’d do anything — anything to make any of this easier.”

Sarah huffs. “But leave your fiancé.”

“It’s not about just _leaving_ him. It’s everything.” Aaron blurts out, his frustration growing.

Sarah doesn’t say anything for a second or two. Aaron hears the wind pick up around him and shudders.

“So my Robert ... my amazing Robert, he steps in to replace him for you? Do you know how that sounds?”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut. “It’s not about replacing him. Nathan’s ... he’s not enough, he’s not _everything_.” He admits. “So Robert isn’t replacing ...”

Sarah folds her arms over and Aaron almost gives up trying to make her see. Almost. He thinks about telling her to do one, creating this tension for Robert and letting him deal with it on his own. Suddenly Nathan in Wales with Sonny springs to mind and he can’t ignore it.

“When he was hurt, it was like the end of the world.” Aaron tells her. “Every time I see him now, his leg, I ... reminds of what I could have lost.” Sarah seems to soften slightly. “So I can’t walk away. I can’t miss opportunities with him, not like this week.”

Sarah gulps hard. “Not enough to choose him.”

“I choose him every time I’m here.”

Sarah arches an eyebrow. “He might fall for that, but I don’t, I can’t.”

Aaron sighs and squints under the way the sun is pouring down on him. “Look. I know you hate me but ...”

“I don’t. That’s the thing. You’re probably ... you seem like a lovely lad.” Sarah says it and Aaron feel like his heart is going to burst. “Underneath.” Aaron looks up. “But I can’t get past what I know you’re going to do to him.”

“I won’t hurt him.” Aaron says. He can’t imagine it, not now. He feels like he’s told her a million times. He knows it isn’t making a difference.

Sarah tilts her head and gives this look only a mother could. He gulps hard against it. “But you will. Whether you want to or not.”

Aaron watches her get into her car and then he’s leaning towards the window and breathing in. “Just don’t make it hard for him.” He blurts out. “All he’s done is fall for someone in a relationship already.” It sounds twisted and sour in his mouth and he thinks of Katie.

“I’m not the one making it hard for him Aaron.”

With that she leaves, and Aaron stays where he is for what feels like ages before he’s travelling up the stairs again and watching as Robert plates them up their tea. He looks nervous as he sees Aaron.

“Don’t tell me you had a row?”

Aaron shrugs awkwardly. “No. Well. I don’t think so.” He folds his arms over. “She’s just worried.”

Robert sighs hard and then Aaron comes towards him, he moves a hand gently across Robert’s waist and then kisses at his neck.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron tells him. His voice is soft and slow, and Robert runs a hand across Aaron’s hair. He gives this wordless reply and it’s enough.

They eat in this comfortable silence until Robert gives him this look. He’s shaking his head and sighing.

“What?”

“My mum saw you half naked. Why would you even _pick_ that towel? It’s like a hand towel.”

Aaron scoffs. He holds his fork and then waves it around. “It was _sort_ of the point. I didn’t expect your _mother_ to be sitting in the living room when I came out in it.” He’s blushing red again and Robert runs a hand across his face.

“How could you not hear us?”

Aaron shrugs. “Your shower was on. I was _trying to find the smallest towel you own._ ”

Robert shakes his head again and then sighs. “Pretty much a disaster aren’t we?”

Aaron’s face falls slightly, and he leans across the able to find Robert’s hand. He grabs it slowly and then strokes over Robert’s knuckles. “It’s not all bad.” Robert looks up, wriggles an eyebrow like he’s daring Aaron to find something good. “Your mum reckons I’m a lovely lad.” Robert’s face is sort of everything as he slowly smiles. “Underneath.”

Robert scoots his chair closer and then holds Aaron’s face. “Let’s not think about the last bit.”

Aaron grins. “That’s fine with me.”

“Let’s go to bed instead.” Robert whispers. “Can’t get you in that little towel out of my head.”

Aaron leans closer towards Robert and kisses him, holding a hand firmly at the back of Robert’s neck. He pulls back slightly to whisper against Robert’s lips. “But this is amazing.” He stares down at his plate.

Robert pulls a face. “Yeah but so are you.” He shrugs and then he’s pulling Aaron to his feet and they’re moving into the bedroom. Aaron pushes Robert against the bed and watches as he bounces slickly and bites at his lip.

“What?” Aaron asks him. Robert’s just staring.

“Nothing. Lovely lad. Just get on with it.”

Aaron rolls his eyes before sitting on Robert’s lap and taking his jeans off.

—

It’s Thursday night. Aaron’s halfway to Robert’s when Liv manages to throw a spanner in the works and asks if he can pick her up from a friend’s house. He wants to say no but he doesn’t, instead he takes this detour and ends up with his little sister in his car as the sun puts blood orange into his view.

She’s quiet with him and he doesn’t even realise it until she whispers something out about taking her to Chas. He questions it almost immediately and turns towards her.

“Why?”

“I thought we could have tea.” Liv shrugs. “With your mum.” Liv’s a good liar. She fooled Aaron for way too long that she was on some water kick when she was really sipping vodka. But now her eyes dart strangely and she’s giving the game away.

“You’re being well weird.” Aaron’s at a red light. He’s almost near Robert’s. “What’s up?”

Liv gives in way too quickly too. “Chas thinks _you’re_ being weird.”

Aaron frowns. It’s come out of nowhere. “What?” He asks. “Why?”

Liv shrugs. “Missing Nathan she reckons. I don’t know. She wanted us to all get together, you stop spending time at work.”

Aaron leans against the headrest and blinks gently. He gulps hard as she stares at him and clearly expects some sort of reply. He doesn’t even have one to give her.

“Well I’m busy tonight.” Aaron tells her. “I do have a life outside Nathan.” It sounds harsh, mean even, but all Aaron can think of is Robert Sugden.

Liv pulls this face and Aaron looks ahead as the light turns green. “Alright. Take it up with her.”

“I don’t need you piling in.” Aaron says. “You’re my _little_ sister, not my older sister.” He pulls his hands right around the wheel and then sighs.

“What you doing then?” Liv asks.

Aaron bites his lip. He says he’s seeing a mate and she asks who and he tells her that she wouldn’t know him even if he told her. Even skating around Robert’s existence makes him think of what Liv would think of him. If she’d like him, think he’s a right twat. He’s always been thankful that Liv warmed to Nathan instantly. He’s lucky.

“Pint. Tea.”

“With a mate? You could bring him.”

Aaron thinks of it for a second, the irony is completely wasted on Liv and something tugs hard and painful in his chest.

“No. God you sound like my mum.”

“Oi.”

“Look, you need to stop worrying. It’s insane.”

“It’s called checking in on you.” Liv says. “Like you used to do with me.” There’s a dig in there somewhere and Aaron latches onto it seconds later.

“What do you mean used to?”

Liv sighs. “You seem wrapped up in something.”

Aaron chews his lip. “I’m not.”

“You are.” Liv says.

Aaron sighs hard and then gulps. “Fine. You win. I’m wrapped up in ... whether or not to make you my flower girl at the wedding.”

Liv scoffs. The tension seems to ease slightly, and he drives her back to hers instead of to the Woolpack. He counts it as a win.

Later on that night, he can’t sleep and Robert’s holding him close as they lay in bed together. It’s a warm night, Aaron prefers space when it’s like this, but he doesn’t ask for any as Robert’s hands knot against his waist.

It makes Aaron feel safe against whatever Liv was trying to get at. Robert nips at his head, planting gentle kisses that make Aaron twist up and kiss him on his mouth over and over again until Aaron’s head is tipped back. Robert moans into one before leaning away again and frowning.

“What’s wrong?” Robert asks.

“Liv said something today. About me being distant.” Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Wrapped up in something.”

Robert does this thing with his chin and looks like he’s deep in thought about it. “You think she suspects something?”

Aaron shakes his head. “No. She’d never.” He gulps hard under the way he knows she’d defend him until the cows came home if Nathan ever tried to say he was cheating on him. It’d get ugly. “That’s worse though ain’t it.” He whispers.

Robert strokes over Aaron’s arm and then sighs. “After what she’s been through, you there for her ... she’s probably just wanting to do the same.” He reasons.

Aaron’s shoulders loosen slowly, and he moves the covers up over them a little more. He wraps them right over the both of them and Robert smiles as Aaron tugs until they’re cocooned in almost complete darkness.

“Your eyelashes are so long.” Aaron says. Robert smirks. “What?”

Robert’s still smirking. He breathes out and then shakes his head. “You come out with the weirdest stuff.”

Aaron dips his head down and then leans in closer towards Robert. “It’s nice like this.” He says. They can’t stay like this forever. It’s already too stuffy in here and Aaron’s going to need to dip his head out to catch his breath. Yet he doesn’t want to. He wants this.

“Yeah.” Robert nods. His heart thuds and melts and leaves him just smiling. “It’s nice like this.”

—

Aaron thinks about having a key to Robert’s place when he gets to his and realises that Robert’s not in yet. He’s out collecting a takeaway for them and Aaron sits in his car and waits. He thinks about having a key and then he thinks about how wrong that would be. He’s not in denial about his feelings. He wouldn’t take those steps back like that and make out like he doesn’t have strong and unwavering feelings for Robert. It doesn’t mean he’s going to sit here and think about how natural it would be to have a key to Robert’s place though.

The whole thing would be entering this new territory. It would be making the idea of him living this double life even more concrete. It’d make all of this so much more difficult to explain, not like he’s going to have to do that.

Eventually Robert arrives. He grabs Aaron’s hand and walks him through his building and they only stop when Robert’s nosy neighbour waves at them. He’s some old guy, he should be in a care home, Aaron decides.

“Robert.” The old man says. “If he’s moved in, you know you’re supposed to tell ...”

“Very funny George.” Robert says. He passes Aaron the bags of food and reaches for his keys. Aaron doesn’t know whether to scowl at the man or not. He gives him this look.

“I’m George.” George has a walking stick; he actually waves it as he leans against his doorway.

“Aaron.” Robert smiles up at Aaron like he’s touched that he’s even paying George attention. “Like your walking stick.” He says, for fun. Robert scoffs and opens the door, waves for Aaron to go inside.

“Bye George.” Robert calls out before slamming the door shut and looking at Aaron. “He’s harmless.”

“Ain’t seen him ‘til then.” Aaron takes his coat off and then pushes his shoes off near the door. Robert turns towards Aaron again and then gets the plates out.

“His daughter usually comes and sees him. And his son.” Robert says. “Not today though. Probably just a bit lonely.”

Aaron sits crossed legged on the sofa as they eat out of plastic containers and swap stories about who they thinks the murderer in the shit film they’re watching. Robert thinks it’s the sister. Aaron’s certain it’s the weird uncle with the funny moustache. It ends up being none of them. It’s the mum.

“Right. We can turn it off now. I want to beat you at FIFA.” Aaron leans over to get the remote from Robert and Robert leans back to make it harder for him. “Rob.”

Robert smiles at him, sticks his chin up. “Ask nicely.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and decides to be a child about it. He practically tackles Robert until they’re play fighting on the sofa. The remote is forgotten. It lays on the wooden floor of the living room and Aaron sits on Robert’s lap. He stares at him and then he’s leaning down and kissing him passionately.

They get caught up in the moment until Aaron’s phone is ringing. It’s over and over again and he tries to ignore it but then he’s hearing the sound of his voicemail being activated. He leans up and sees that it’s Nathan. The moment is lost as Aaron sits up and listens to what Nathan’s saying.

It starts and ends with Nathan saying he should be home tomorrow. It makes Aaron sober completely and he runs a hand straight across his face as he tries not to make Robert realise that something is wrong. He gulps hard and puts the phone down. Only Robert knows. He knows.

“I ...”

“When?”

“Tomorrow. Morning he said.”

Aaron looks down at the coffee table. He sees the bottles of beer and food containers. Aaron’s car keys are sitting there right next to Robert’s phone.

Robert gulps hard. Aaron can hear it over the credits rolling on the film. He still can’t look at him. “Right then.”

“I should go.” Aaron says. “I’m sorry. I’m so ...”

Robert stands up. He starts collecting the containers and walks towards the kitchen. He doesn’t say anything. The way he’s stood so abruptly has managed to slice this atmosphere straight through the room. Aaron’s left wordless against it. He follows Robert, because he thinks he knows every inch of him and can’t just stay on his sofa silently whilst he stews.

“Actually. No. Let’s ... let’s not let it ruin this.” Aaron blurts out. Robert looks up at him with his arms crossed. “I’ll just have to leave early tomorrow. Earlier than ... or I can ask what time he’s coming ...”

“Mr Surprise himself.” Robert says bitterly. “I’m stunned he’s even told you he’s coming back tomorrow.” He shakes his head and his whole demeanour has hardened entirely.

Aaron’s heart rate climbs. “Don’t be like ...”

“Like what? I’m not allowed to be upset right? I know exactly what I’ve got myself into.” Robert gulps hard. “Only you’ve just spent nearly a _week_ in my bed. Mine.” He says it in this way that makes Aaron shiver. “You’ve been _mine_.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. Robert looks like he regrets even saying anything. He goes bright red and Aaron comes further towards him.

“Please. Don’t ...”

“It’s ruined now.” Robert says. He’s got his back towards Aaron like he doesn’t want to let him in anymore. “Bubble’s burst. So you might as well go.”

“I don’t want to though.”

Robert looks over his shoulder. “You don’t get to say stuff like that.”

Aaron sobers. He stands taller and shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Whatever Aaron.” Robert says. “Just make sure you don’t leave anything.” Aaron bites his lip and backs away slowly. He collects his things in silence, he takes his time like he half expects time to reverse. Eventually he steps out into the living room again and walks towards where Robert is sitting on the sofa. He leans down to kiss him, and Robert leans away.

“Don’t be like this.”

“I thought we had longer.” Robert says.

Aaron stands over him and then crouches. “I didn’t know he’d be back so soon.” He says. “But it ...”

“Doesn’t change anything.” Robert parrots what Aaron seems to always come out with. His voice sounds so light, but his head hangs low. “Me in your bed doesn’t either, me making you ... it doesn’t change him coming back and you running home.”

Aaron leans away. He didn’t realise it’d be this abrupt, that he’d have to leave things like this. He doesn’t want to. He leans out and holds a hand against Robert’s. Robert looks down.

“I didn’t want this to be ruined.”

“ _I_ haven’t ruined anything.” Robert looks up. Aaron wavers slightly and then he bites his lip and breathes in. Robert’s shoulders flatten as he sees the look on Aaron’s face.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron whispers. “I am.”

Robert softens slightly. He clears his throat and then Aaron’s leaning down and kissing Robert with this force that pushes Robert back against the sofa. He leaves him breathless in more ways than one and then he’s gone.


	29. A personal day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is desperate to spend some time with Robert, however disaster strikes as his priorities are put to the test

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a longish chapter here. A lot happens. I think from here, it’s going to be quite long action packed ones. 
> 
> Warning: brief discussion of a drug overdose near the end of the chapter (it is sort of a heavy theme for this chapter and the next though so please look after yourself)

Nathan comes back the next day. It’s early when Aaron hears the sound of a car door slamming and then minutes later, Nathan is turning his key in the lock and Aaron’s hugging him.

He’s missed him. The feeling of Nathan’s arms around him is something he won’t be able to ever really describe. It’s safety. It’s always been safety. It doesn’t mean he’s not thinking about Robert, constantly. So constantly that he thinks his head is going to fall off.

“It’s good to be back.” Nathan says. “It felt like ages.”

Aaron has a hand slowly against Nathan’s chest and he nods. “Yeah you’re not allowed to go anywhere again.” He says.

Nathan holds a hand up and then his eyes are wider. “Next time will be our honeymoon.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “I’m not going to see your parents on our honeymoon.” He says.

Nathan pretends to laugh. “I’ve missed you trying to be a comedian.”

Aaron arches an eyebrow. “Come over here and show me then.” He says. Nathan does. They almost get too carried away for words and Aaron has to yank himself away when he realises that he’s going to be late for work. “Later.” He says.

Nathan nods his head slowly, almost pouts. Aaron kisses him gently and then gulps hard.

“I’ve got an hour for lunch.” Aaron shrugs. “Maybe I can come back ...”

“That’s a yes.” Nathan says, and Aaron laughs as he fights Nathan off to get towards the door.

Aaron leaves as he watches Nathan start to unpack his case and head towards their bedroom. He almost has a tightness in his shoulders as he thinks about the weird possibility of Nathan sensing that something is different.

Aaron thinks of a strand of blond hair loose against the bedroom floor for practically the rest of the day at work. Jimmy’s in his ear complaining about not being able to understand what a client means, and Aaron would care if he wasn’t busy staring a picture of him and Nathan on his desk.

He’s hardly doing any work. It’s like it’s impossible to do any of it when he’s half convinced himself that Nathan’s going to realise something is wrong by the time he comes back from work.

Aaron works himself up over it. He realises that he didn’t even bother asking Nathan how the trip was, if Sonny is any better. He wants him to be better. He doesn’t exactly care about him but he wants him better because he wants Nathan to be OK.

He tries getting away over lunch and finds that he can’t when he’s pulled into a meeting and has to eat a soggy sandwich by the lifts. He texts Nathan an apology and gets an emoji back and has to promise not to disappoint Nathan tonight.

The thought takes over slightly until he’s looking down at his phone and seeing the letter R and thinks of Robert. He stays put, just scrolling through the messages until he walks back to his desk and sees Finn by Robert’s desk.

“What you doing?” Aaron asks. He tilts his head down and Finn looks up at him.

“Oh. Restarting this.” Finn taps Robert’s computer and Aaron scowls, almost growls something out as Finn pushes papers about and messes it up. “It needs updating for Monday.”

Aaron frowns. “Monday? What’s happening Monday?”

Finn pushes something and then he’s taping away on the keyboard without even looking up at Aaron. “Robert’s back.”

Aaron doesn’t say anything. There’s this small nervous smile on his face and then he clears his throat when Finn stares at him.

“Right.” Aaron walks away before Finn can speak to him anymore.

—

Aaron sits at his desk in silence whilst everyone leaves for the day. He’s staring at Robert’s empty chair as he rings him, and he feels this apprehension wash over him. They didn’t get that last night of normal and it was because of him. It always seems to be his fault and it’s got to the stage where Aaron’s terrified that he’ll end things again.

He hates it. This feeling of not having someone enough to know that they won’t leave. It’s his fault. He knows.

Robert answers the phone and there’s silence for a second whilst Aaron breathes out this sight of relief and then clears his throat like it was nothing.

“Hi.” Aaron says shakily. “Didn’t think you’d pick up.” He says, uncertain.

“Did you want me to?” Robert says, like that’s really something that was in question.

Aaron frowns. “Of course I did. I ... miss you.”

Robert doesn’t say anything for a second and Aaron holds his breath. He thinks about pushing Robert away one too many times and it terrifies him.

“I miss you too.” Robert says eventually.

Aaron smirks. It’s soft and unlike him really but he doesn’t ignore the way Robert’s words manage to slip past whatever wall Aaron has up.

“I was just frustrated.” Robert blurts out. “You frustrate me Aaron Dingle.”

“I’m sorry.” Aaron whispers. “I really am.” He says. “I didn’t ...”

“Didn’t what? There’s nothing you can say. Or do.”

Aaron bites his lip. Even he finds that hard to believe. He leans against his chair and then gulps hard.

“Apart from make it up to you. Which will be happening.”

Robert makes this sound. “Don’t make promises. It makes it harder.”

Aaron breathes in. “You back here will be easier. Sitting opposite you. I miss seeing you here. There’s a lot you’ve missed out on.”

“Like what?”

“Well Jimmy absolutely fucked the microwave up.” Robert laughs and everything feels easier for a second or two. It stays like that for what feels like hours as he tells him how his day has been. Then his phone is going off against his ear and he sees that Nathan’s text him.

For the first real time, he feels torn and it aches, and he hates himself. The feeling lasts and lasts until he’s having to gently tell Robert he has to go.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s your phrase that.”

“Don’t be mad.” Aaron whispers. “I ...”

“It’s hard to stay mad at you.”

—

Nathan’s sitting on the sofa cross legged with a half frown on his face when Aaron comes in. Aaron looks down at him, mumbles something about traffic and then kisses Nathan on the cheek. He sits slowly down next to him and then turns the telly off.

“I was watching that.”

Aaron shrugs. “I know. But I wanted to ask you about Sonny.” He squeezes Nathan’s knee. Nathan pulls this face, and he seems touched and he shouldn’t be. It should be normal. He’s spent the last hour on the phone to Robert, laughing and joking and catching up on a day without each other.

Nathan shakes him out of whatever he was getting at in his mind. He runs a hand over his hair and slouches down on the sofa. He shrugs slightly and Aaron feels like he’s waiting for him to say something monumental like Sonny’s stopped being an arse.

“He had an argument with my dad the day before we left. Ran off into the fields by himself for a bit.”

Aaron pulls this face. “Right. Normal.”

Nathan sighs. “But he came back. We all talked. Again.”

Aaron has a hand on Nathan’s arm, and he squeezes gently. “Sounds like a therapy retreat.”

“None of that mattered though. Not really. He came back because of the girl he’s seeing. She said they needed to talk or something.”

“Break up?”

Nathan frowns, looks insulted. “Don’t say that. He’d probably fly off the edge of a cliff.”

Aaron nods seriously. “Yeah sorry. I ...”

Nathan chews his lip and Aaron comes towards him further, scopes him up a little so that he’s holding him tighter.

“He can’t want to change for her though. You know.” Aaron kisses Nathan’s head and Nathan sighs again.

“I know.” Nathan says. “Now enough about him. Come here.” He swoops up and holds Aaron by the back of the neck as they kiss.

Aaron smiles into it at first, then he’s tugging Nathan closer and then away again just as quickly.

“I love you. I did miss you.”

Nathan looks at him like he’s just said he’s planning on growing a third arm. He waits a second before finally smiling slowly and then it turns into a full-on smirk.

“I missed you too. So much.” Nathan says. “Here. It’s where I’m meant to be.” He whispers, and then he’s kissing Aaron again.

Aaron would think it was the most romantic thing he’s ever heard if it wasn’t for the massive weight he feels on his shoulders as Nathan kisses at his neck.

—

Sunday brunch is meant to be a highlight of his week to be honest. Robert’s not too big to admit that. It’s gossiping time with his mum and little sister and he loves them. Only this week, there’s Andy, and there’s some tension that Robert’s trying to ignore.

The tension starts and ends with Vic trying her hardest not to mention Aaron Dingle and it makes things harder for him to try and ignore. Sarah’s clearly told her about seeing him at his flat and he’d rather they just got it out of their system and tell him he’s mad, but they don’t.

Not until the food’s nearly ready and Vic and Robert are finally alone in the front room. Andy’s peeling something or other and Sarah’s already heard him say that Katie had plans with her friends, and it wasn’t like she was avoiding Robert. He doesn’t know whether to feel happy about it. The thought of it makes him feel childish.

This realisation sort of dawns on him. He’s got bigger fish to fry than Katie. He’s growing up.

Vic’s eye is practically twitching as she stares out the window and then back at Robert.

“You do know why mum’s invited Andy.” Vic crosses her arms over and nods at her brother.

Robert frowns. “What? No.”

Vic raises an eyebrow and waves her hands about. “Fancy man. Mark.”

“What?”

Vic rolls her eyes. “The guy she’s seeing. You’re useless.”

Robert nods slowly, remembering. “Yeah. She said. I ...” He stops. “Go on. She’s told you about what happened when she told me then?”

Vic huffs.

“Say it. Mention his name and do that scowly thing you do.”

Vic bites her lip and then bursts. “He was at yours. Bit bold of him.”

Robert arches an eyebrow. “Not considering.”

Vic frowns. “Considering what?”

Robert shrugs. “Nathan was away.”

“Oh.” Vic looks away. “Was?”

Robert huffs. “He’s back.”

“So you’re here instead?”

Robert rolls his eyes. “It’s not like that Vic.”

“Then what is it like? You’re living half a life.” Vic asks, tilting her head.

“Don’t say it like that.” Robert says, he sticks a hand in his pocket and shakes his head.

Vic sighs. “Like it is?

Robert gulps, looks at Vic and then thinks of Aaron. “OK, it’s not ideal.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“But. When Aaron knew he was coming back. He was ... disappointed. He didn’t want to go Vic. Sooner or later he’s going to realise that. He’s going to understand that missing me is ... too much.”

Vic looks worried. “What if he doesn’t realise?”

Robert shrugs, blocks any doubt out so quickly it’s frightening. “He already is. He rang me. We talked for ages. He said he missed me and ...”

“Went back to Nathan.” Vic says, easily. It’s like she has this hammer and she’s just able to whack her way through everything Robert’s built up.

Robert looks down. “Only a matter of time Vic.”

“Until he’s married. You’re really going to be able to handle that?”

Robert looks up seriously. “Won’t come to that.”

Vic shakes her head. “Let’s hope so. Actually no. I don’t even think I want you two together.”

Robert’s shoulders slump. “Vic ...”

“I’m sorry. But he’s messed you about.”

“Who has?”

Robert spins to see Andy at the door. His mouth goes dry and he doesn’t say anything. He looks at his sister, practically begs her to start opening her mouth and not make this weird.

“Oh umm ... no one. Well. Robert was just explaining to me how a client of his tried to swindle him out of some ...”

“Return deal.” Robert jumps in. It doesn’t even make sense but Andy’s probably thinking of sheep as he looks between the both of them.

Andy just waves a hand out. “Whatever. Tea’s ready.”

Robert breathes out. “One sec.” He says as Andy disappears away. He looks at his sister with beady eyes.

Vic frowns. “I’m sorry. I didn’t ...”

“Mean to run your gob. You can’t tell him.” Robert tells her because it’s sort of the last thing he ever wants to happen. He’s thought of it for a while, knows that Andy won’t be able to _not_ be a dick.

“He’s our brother. He doesn’t even know Aaron.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “But he knows me. We’ve just been able to stand in the same room together, eat at the same table.”

“And?” Vic sounds absolutely tone deaf.

“Knowing I’m having an affair again will hardly help matters.”

Vic bites her lip. “I won’t say anything.”

Robert stands up and nods. He thinks about how much he genuinely doesn’t want things to be ruined between him and Andy. It’s a whole heap of progress really.

He’d like it to stay that way.

—

Mark is nice enough. He’s older than Sarah, has a daughter who lives in Australia and an ex-wife that he’s still friendly enough with for the sake of peace. He’s nice enough. Robert’s not going to pretend like they’re perfect for each other but it’s nice to see his mum happy for the first time in too long.

Robert watches as Mark quietly places a hand over Sarah’s at the dinner table. He smiles gently as he sees it and then looks over to the way Vic is smiling at him, arching an eyebrow.

After dinner, Robert helps with the washing up like he always does. Mark’s in the living room telling Vic about how long it usually takes for him to make a chicken tikka curry and he can just about hear it over the sound of the tap running. He laughs a little and Sarah looks up at him.

“You like him then?” Sarah runs her hands over the warm water and Robert passes her another plate. “Mark?”

“Yeah.” Robert says slowly. “He’s nice. It’s just ... weird seeing you with someone else but ...”

Sarah sobers slightly. “Andy said the same.” She stays silent for a second. “That’s why I invited him over too. Thanks for being understanding about it.”

“He’s your son mum. Besides. We’re in a better place now.”

Sarah’s smile is almost blinding.

“Only had to take a near death experience.”

Robert smirks. “True.” He says. He leans over and takes a plate off the rack to start drying it.

“You know, I didn’t think you’d be coming.”

Robert frowns. “I always do.” He leans back. “Oh.”

Sarah’s eyes flicker. “I take it Aaron’s fiancé came back.”

“Yeah. He did.”

Sarah closes her eyes dramatically. “And you were chucked out.”

“Nobody was chucked out anywhere. He had to leave, and I had to deal with it.”

“Had to. We both know you don’t have to.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “Mum, I love him.” Sarah raises her head. “More than I can even say out loud. So I’ll wait.”

Sarah huffs. “You know, by rights I should have another word with him.”

“I thought he was a lovely lad.” Robert says. He’s almost teasing and Sarah isn’t best pleased. She pretends like she doesn’t understand.

“Deep down. When he isn’t breaking my son’s heart.” Sarah has this annoyed look on her face and Robert smirks before soaking in what she’s saying.

Robert sobers before replying. “That’s not what he’s doing.”

Sarah sighs. “Sure it isn’t.”

—

Aaron gets to work early on Monday morning and makes sure to buy Robert a coffee from the reception area downstairs. He asks the woman to dust it with a smiley face and she looks at him like he’s mad or something. He asks again, he’s more aggressive with it and she doesn’t ask any more questions.

He throws her a fiver and asks her to keep the change, mainly because he’s in a good mood. Robert’s back today and he’s missed seeing his face. He’s said it over and over in his mind, he feels like a broken record about it.

The fact that he’s early means he only has Leyla to talk to. It’s not like it’s a bad thing, but the minute she circles the conversation back to his upcoming wedding, his shoulders seems to tighten a little. It’s not that he’s not prepared for questions. It just shocks him slightly.

Leyla stares down at Aaron’s wedding ring. It’s heavy and thick and shiny. Aaron watches her for a second before clearing his throat and moving his hand down.

“We haven’t really discussed.”

Leyla frowns. “Men.” She says. Then she turns herself away and shakes her head like she can’t deal with him anymore.

Aaron goes to lean away from her desk when she spins around again and waves her hand out.

“The offer stills stands you know, wedding planner. You never actually said if you spoke to Nathan about me planning it all.”

Aaron’s mouth gapes open and he goes to say something when he sees the lift doors open and Robert standing there. He’s got a bright blue tie on, hair wax sticking in all the right places. Aaron has a ghost of a smile on his face and he shudders slightly as he dips his head and tries not to react as much as he wants to.

“Aaron? Am I planning your wedding or not?”

Aaron wants to kick her under the table, tell her to shut her mouth and not speak about it anymore. But he can’t. Instead he just tells her he’ll have to speak to Nathan, he half promises it and then he’s staring back up at Robert again. He’s hobbling just slightly but he doesn’t look in pain.

Leyla follows his eyes and sees Robert herself. She’s dramatic with it, sly smirk on her face as she spins her chair and looks at him.

“And the wanderer returns.”

Robert looks around the office. “Looks like it.”

“You sure you’re absolutely fine to be back?”

Robert sticks a hand in his pocket. “I wouldn’t be back if I wasn’t alright.”

Aaron’s still staring at him. He just has this small smile still on his face and he only gets snapped out of it when Robert is nodding at him.

“What?”

“I said you’ll have to be his assistant if he needs any help around here.” Leyla says. She’s teasing but it’s ironic really and Robert realises because he’s blushing. The office phone goes, and she excuses herself. Aaron plots his escape and Robert follows after him.

They reach their desks and Aaron hovers over Robert as he sees the coffee on the desk for him.

“Oh.“ Robert whispers. He looks down and then picks the coffee up to hold it. Aaron pulls this face, nodding his head strangely and Robert knows to open it. He sees the smiley face, semi deformed but still there. “You’re soft.”

“I’m anything but.” Aaron puffs his chest out and Robert’s smile is dazzling. “I’ve just missed you.” He shrugs. “A little.”

“A lot.” Robert says. “You don’t get to do your hard man act with me.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Fine.”

“Yeah?”

Aaron nods. “Yeah.” He says. “Happy now?”

Robert rolls his eyes and then sits down in his chest, slides back and forth like a child. Aaron watches him with heavy blue eyes and then he gulps hard.

“Sorry if you heard ... Leyla’s just ...”

“I don’t really want to talk about that.” What Robert really wants is to pretend like Aaron isn’t engaged to be married, that soon he’ll have a time frame he has to accommodate into his plans. They’ll be a date he’s forced to work around, doomsday or whatever.

Aaron sobers. “Of course you don’t.” He says. “I didn’t ...”

Robert shakes his head and inches his chair closer to Aaron’s, he strokes his leg over Aaron’s and then blinks gently.

“You can stop talking you know?”

Aaron looks worried for a second and then he’s smiling. He has a hand close to Robert’s and then he reaches out and squeezes Robert’s. It’s just for a second, just for now because no one else is around to say or do anything to stop them. It’s not enough really. Aaron wants to push Robert against the wall and kiss him and hold him and do romantic stuff that he secretly enjoys.

He wants all that.

His ring stays cold and solid against his finger and he sometimes thinks about whether Robert feels it as they touch. The thought makes his head spin, so he stops thinking completely.

Instead, he wraps himself closer into Robert’s space and breathes him in as much as he can. It lasts for a second or two, Aaron lifts his head up and feels the need to apologise for how inevitably someone will come in and they’ll have to move away like they’re allergic to each other or something. Robert seems to understand because he just nods his head slowly, let’s out this soft sigh.

The moment does come. Ten minutes later. Jimmy comes through the door behind Priya and they both stop and welcome him back. Aaron’s sat at his own desk now, doing his own work and pretending like Robert’s presence is hardly the big deal everyone’s going on about.

“It’s good to have you back.” Priya says. She’s half flirting. Aaron’s only half bothered. Jimmy agrees, a little more enthusiastically than Aaron imagined he would.

“Isn’t that right Aaron?” Jimmy says. He’s all cheerful, weirdly chilled out and Aaron just looks up and nods.

Robert is smirking at him.

“Yeah. Good to have you back mate. I suppose.” Aaron says, he bites his lip again and leans back against the chair. Robert’s still smirking at him and Aaron shakes his head back.

—

Aaron reckons Robert’s one of the smartest people he’s ever met. It’s the ties and the hair and the way he manages to persuade people to do whatever he wants at will. It’s sort of manipulative. It’s sort of sexy and not at the same time.

It’s been long enough for Aaron to realise that Robert’s ways have rubbed off on him. He manages to secure a client near the end of the day and Robert watches him from the other side of his desk with a smirk on his face. He’s all wide eyed and proud of him and it shows. Aaron takes a breath, bites his lip and then has to pull his gaze away and focus on his job.

The one he’s actually better at now since Robert’s face was in his. He’s better and more distracted at the same time. It’s good like this. It’s easy like this. Sometimes, Aaron sticks a leg out just so he can have Robert look up at him with this confused look on his face.

It’s happening now, Aaron’s leaning over and passing over a small note just before Finn walks past them. Aaron leans right back again and then gulps hard as he sees Robert stare down to read it and then throw it in the bin.

Aaron’s face falls and he feels stupid for a second until they’re on their lunch break and rubbing shoulders on the park bench.

“Why’d you bin the note?”

Robert frowns at him like it’s obvious. “You said lunch question mark with a heart over the eye.”

Aaron pouts. “I was being nice.”

Robert pulls Aaron closer and kisses him. “Sweet. You were being sweet.”

“I’m not sweet.”

“Oh I think you are. That little heart. Too precious for words.”

“Shut your face.”

Aaron stills slightly. Robert sobers under the way Aaron cups his face and strokes slowly.

“Let’s get away.”

Robert looks at him like he’s mad. He sort of feels mad. He thinks of the rash crazy bit of his mind that seems to not think before he speaks. He’s never really got that expression. He’s thought about it to say it. It’s just come out wrong. This time it hasn’t.

Robert’s eyes flicker. “What do you mean?”

Aaron has a hand against Robert’s ribs, strokes slowly. “I mean, me and you go on a day out or something.”

“Like we’re five.”

“Like we’re on a date.” Aaron says. He’s soft around the edges and comes closer to Robert. There’s a leg outstretched towards him and he watches Robert think. He doesn’t want to take it back. “I mean ... I’ve missed you haven’t I?”

Robert looks at Aaron’s engagement ring for the smallest of seconds. “Have you had an argument?”

“What?” Aaron asks. Then he understands. “No. No but that’s ... even if I had ... it’s got nothing to do with ...”

Robert looks at him.

“I just wanted to be with you, away from this.”

“Yeah.” Robert says. “Yeah so do I.” He tilts his head. “With you. Obviously.”

Aaron’s smile hangs heavy and then he holds out a hand and claps onto Robert’s.

“I just want to focus on us.” He tells him. “Right here, right now.”

Robert bites his lip and Aaron wonders if he really understands how much nearly dying shook him to his core. He wants to say all this stuff, but he knows it’s going to come out wrong. So he doesn’t.

“Where to then?”

Aaron leans back against the bench. He’s still holding Robert’s hand. He’s a sap, he knows it.

“Wherever.” Aaron looks at Robert. “Just you and me.”

Robert rolls his eyes.

“What?”

“You always say that like I should half expect Bernice to be joining us.”

Aaron laughs. It makes Robert laugh too. It’s lightness for a second, bluer skies than expected and birds chirping quietly. Aaron tightens his hand around Robert’s, squeezes slightly and then pulls back.

“You and me.”

“You and I. Actually.” Robert smirks. Aaron sighs hard.

“I hate you.”

“You don’t. You really don’t.”

Aaron bites his lip again and then he’s kissing Robert hard on the mouth and stroking a hand slowly through his hair.

—

Aaron’s got his headphones in and laptop out on the sofa when he feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Nathan standing over him with two boxes of pizza. Aaron yanks his headphones out and goes to shut his laptop almost comically before realising he needs to act as normal as possible. He clicks onto YouTube and then smiles.

“Hey you.”

Nathan passes him a box and shuffles to sit next to him. His arm is thrown around Aaron’s and he leans into him before pulling his legs up on the sofa.

Aaron opens the pizza box and then smiles over at Nathan. “You took the peppers off for me.”

“By hand.” Nathan says. “Because they clearly can’t listen to instructions.” He says. “Twa...” Aaron stops him by swooping in and kissing him gently and then with more feeling.

“I want pizza at our wedding.” Aaron says. It just comes out. He feels guilty so instantly. Nathan says he’s mad. “What? It’s my favourite.”

“Yeah so’s toast. Crisps. Sausage rolls.”

“You’re just listing all our favourite things.”

Nathan crosses his arms over. “True. But a wedding’s meant to be ...”

“Wedding-y?” Aaron waves a hand out dramatically. “Which is code for boring.”

Nathan pinches Aaron’s side playfully. “You’re not meant to be dissing our wedding you know. The one we haven’t even planned for.” He says. Aaron’s eyes flicker and then he watches Nathan scroll through his phone.

“You’re actually bringing up a list.” Aaron itches his eyebrow.

“I actually am. Yes.” Nathan smirks. “We haven’t even got a colour scheme.”

Aaron pulls a face. “Oh. Is that at the top of the list?”

Nathan rolls his eyes. “OK. Venue. We need a place to actually get married.”

Aaron scratches his left eyebrow. “We could elope.” He says. “No big deal, just ...” Nathan looks away. “It could be romantic.”

Nathan shrugs. “Maybe. Or. It could be dead boring.” He says. “Besides. Your mum would ...”

“It’s not her decision. Or yours. Or ... Leyla for that matter.”

Aaron picks up a slice and watches as Nathan goes to grab two beers from the kitchen.

“ _Leyla_?” Nathan says. “As in, the receptionist who works at your ...”

“She’s more than ...”

“Just a receptionist. Yeah. She told me at the engagement party.” Nathan passes over a bottle of beer to Aaron and slumps back on the sofa again. “What’s she got to do with the wedding?”

Aaron sits cross legged. “She wants to plan the thing. Or at least the stag.”

Nathan arches an eyebrow. “I think Sonny said something about ...”

“If we’re having a joint one, he’s not planning.”

“You want a joint one?”

Aaron shrugs. “Suppose so.” He says. Nathan smirks. “What?”

“That’d be cute I suppose.”

“You suppose?”

“Yes.” Nathan comes forward and kisses Aaron softly before leaning away again. “Joint stag do it is, Leyla can ... help.” He says.

Aaron pulls a face. It makes Nathan laugh before his phone is going off and he’s looking down.

“Sonny being Sonny?” Nathan’s jaw tenses. “Sorry. Is it ...”

“It’s my mum. She’s probably going to ask how he is.”

“How is he?”

Nathan bounces his knee. “I haven’t heard from him for a while.” He says. “I don’t know ...”

Aaron smooths a hand over the back of Nathan’s neck. “Go. Answer it.”

Nathan stands up and starts pacing around the room before he’s chatting away and looking out the window. Aaron stares at him, mouths that he loves him because he does and then he’s slowly opening the laptop.

He’s been looking at arcades nearby, thinking of Robert and his gangly self-trying to sit comfortably in one of those cars you have to put change in to start up. Aaron hovers over the exit button before clearing his throat and scrolling down.

—

Robert’s already got the go ahead from Aaron about their date, or day out, or whatever it is he’s called today. He’s nervous about for some reason, it takes over him for a second or two until he’s realising that he hasn’t booked a day off and he’s going to have to explain it to someone.

He comes in early, tries to bother Lawrence before Aaron is texting him and asking if he’s managed to sort it out. He’s all four question marks and emojis with it and Robert smiles down. It’s times like this that he wants to shove in Vic’s face, and his mum’s too. It’s times like this where Aaron is just stupid, and soft, and his. For a second. His.

The thoughts die down when he looks up and sees Bernice crying over her desk. The glass door panels make it difficult for Robert to ignore her, so he taps gently and then watches her nearly fall off her chair in shock.

“Oh. Robert. Hello.” Bernice runs a hand over her hair and then shudders. “What can I ... help with?”

Robert looks around her tiny office and then at the photo of her, it’s obviously been taken with Liam. She’s cut around him, but he still sees his pale little hand over her shoulder.

“Uh. I ... well Lawrence is busy, but I forgot to book today off. It’s urgent.”

“You have an appointment?”

Robert sees how red her eyes are and the way she pushes her tissues aside from her desk to start her computer up. He gulps hard. “Um. No. It’s a personal day. I know I haven’t booked it in but it’s pretty urgent.”

Bernice sniffles. “Right. I suppose we can ...”

“That’d be great.” Robert says. He turns to leave and then looks around to her again, feels this pang hit his chest. “Are you ... OK?”

Bernice gives this tight nod. “Wonderful. Yourself?”

Robert has his hand on the door now, he’s teetering close and then he stops. He sighs slowly and then sits opposite her. “I take it this is about Liam?”

Bernice looks away from him. Then looks back and lets out this small sound that Robert widens his eyes at. She looks tiny. Robert feels for her against it all.

“And Leyla. That can’t be ... easy.”

“What, someone stealing your boyfriend? No. It’s not easy at all actually.”

Robert gulps thickly and shifts in his seat. “Well she hardly ...” Bernice frowns at him, eyes wide.

“Hardly what? Went after someone who’s already in a relationship?” Bernice shakes her head and Robert’s eyes flicker. “Well she did. Fluttered her fake lashes and pink lipstick and ...”

Robert breathes in. “He went willingly.” He says. “You ... you can’t blame her ... well you can. But ...”

“She knew this would hurt me.” Bernice has a tissue out again. “She knew and she still went ahead, entertained it _all_.”

Robert stares at the carpet, bounces his knee. “Maybe she couldn’t help herself.”

“Couldn’t keep her legs closed more like.”

Robert looks up. “Bernice, don’t be that woman.” He says. “Blaming her when ... Liam was probably just unhappy or ...”

“He wasn’t.” Bernice snaps. “How could you even ...”

Robert tries to take it back, waves a hand out. “I just mean ... he wasn’t forced to was he? Isn’t it better you know now than ... years later.”

“What? When we were more settled, married even?”

Robert gulps thickly and starts clearing his throat. He feels the need to get up and move around but Bernice just looks at him like he’s mad. The feeling passes. “It’s better this way.” He says. “You’ll get past this.” He tells her.

Bernice’s chin does this wobbly thing. “What if he was the one for me? What if Leyla’s taken my only chance of happiness?”

Robert thinks hard about it for a second and feels this crushing weight of guilt hit him. He’s almost frozen against it. Bernice leans a hand out and waves it, she says she’s sorry for offloading all this on him and that it’s fine for him to take the day off.

The atmosphere in the room settles slightly and Robert still doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say. He just feels sad for her, and guilty, and weirdly responsible. He knows why. He knows exactly why.

“Thanks Bernice.” Robert lets out a tight smile. “I ... things will get easier.” He tells her before standing up and leaning over the chair he was just sat on. “I promise.”

Bernice is hardly convinced by the time he leaves and he’s not sure what to say or do to make it any better. So he just stays silent and then sits in his car for a long time before starting the engine up.

—

Aaron’s ill. Work has been informed already, it’s a scratchy throat sort of thing and he’s sure everyone will catch it if he turns up. Nathan’s left early, he’s none the wiser. Aaron watched him leave. He felt the kiss to his forehead as he pretended to still be asleep.

He’s staring at his wardrobe now. He yanks out a hoodie and then tosses it on the ground before bringing out a yellow jumper and shoving it back inside. Then he’s getting out a dark blue jumper and pulling it on. He looks at himself in the mirror and then fixes his hair before looking at the time.

Almost by magic, Robert rings him, and he picks up before getting towards the living room.

“I know I’m late. I’m sorry.” Aaron can hear Robert’s engine running and wonders if he’s already at the arcade he’s sent him the directions to. He feels even worse suddenly.

“You said one. It’s nearly two.”

Aaron nods like Robert can see him. “Yeah I know. I know. I’m literally leaving ...”

“Wait. You’ve not even left yet? Are you even coming?” Robert sounds hurt, stressed, almost like something or someone has shaken him.

“Of course I am.” Aaron snaps and then he starts looking around for his car keys. “You sound ...”

“Pissed off that I’m waiting for you?” Robert says. “Just hurry up.”

Aaron stops. “I will. I promise.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Whatever.” Robert ends the call before Aaron can say another word. He’s not exactly sure what would have come out if he was given the chance to speak. It’d probably be an apology and Robert would probably have hung up anyway.

Aaron sighs hard and keeps looking for his car keys as he thinks about how frustrated Robert almost always must be when it comes to them. He thinks of his own promises that seem empty when they’re not and the thoughts won’t leave him alone until he’s finding his keys and pulling the door open.

His eyes widen when he sees Sonny of all people standing on the other side. He’s got an oversized red hoodie on and shite white trainers that almost have this glare to them. Aaron stares down at them first and then looks up.

“What are you ...”

Sonny’s eyes dart and his hand shakes against his side. He folds his arms over and Aaron just stares at him. “Is Nathan here?”

“It’s the middle of the day?”

Sonny nods. “Yeah.” He laughs. “It is. Yeah.”

Aaron looks into Sonny’s eyes and then away again when he sees that Robert’s text him about getting a drink for himself whilst he waits. He pictures Robert pissed and in a bad mood when he shows up and he sighs inwardly.

“I need to go. You — you need to go.” Aaron practically shoves Sonny as he tries to leave but Sonny’s hold on the door is stronger than he expected.

“No. No I need ... Nathan owes me money.”

Aaron scowls. “What?” Sonny goes to speak but Aaron waves a hand out. “Look I don’t care. I’m in a rush.”

“Fine. Let me just ...” Sonny’s voice gets higher and then his eyes dart around the living room as he tries to push in. “It’s just twenty quid.”

“I’m not giving you money. Nathan doesn’t owe you shit.”

Sonny’s jaw locks. “But you do.” He says. “Where you off to Aaron?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Work.”

“Bullshit.”

Aaron scowls. “Yeah. Fucking prove it. I’ve had enough of ...”

Sonny pouts childishly. “The truth. I know you’re up to something. Right now I couldn’t care less. I just need that ...”

“I’m not giving any money to you.” Aaron says. “So you might as well go.” He suddenly thinks of Nathan and what Sonny would need the money for and then he shakes his head.

Aaron breathes in and then looks down at his phone like an _idiot_. Sonny watches and then he’s looking through one of the drawers near the window and pulling out a twenty-pound note, and a few loose coins.

Aaron hears him but he’s on his phone, he’s texting away and telling Robert he’s closer than he really is. When he looks up, Sonny is charging past him, and Aaron watches him.

“Not found anything then? Idiot.” Aaron says. Sonny just gives him this look and then he’s gone. Aaron sits against the coffee table for ten minutes because he knows he’s that much of a Columbo that he’d probably try to tail Aaron’s car.

Then he leaves.

—

Robert’s sitting at the bar like some loner when Aaron walks in to the arcade. He pulls up around Robert’s face, covering his eyes before kissing Robert’s cheek. Robert jumps back a little and then twists, Aaron pulls him in for a kiss and then leans away again.

“You’ve been sitting here sipping pints then.” Aaron whispers. Robert looks up at him and there’s a hand lose against Aaron’s waist. He doesn’t say anything, just arches an eyebrow. “I’m sorry about being late.”

Robert plays with his hands and then Aaron’s sitting across from him and biting his lip. Robert’s still quiet and Aaron tilts his head.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Robert clears his throat and then comes closer towards Aaron. “Just over thinking stuff.” He says.

Aaron’s eyes are heavy with softness and Robert feels like he’s getting wrapped up in it all. “You don’t have to do that with me.” He says.

Robert stares at Aaron. There’s this beat of silence for a second and then he’s being brave.

“I thought you’d say you couldn’t come after all.”

Aaron frowns like he’s mad and then he’s yanking his phone out and turning it off. Robert looks down, there’s a ghost of a smile on his face and then Aaron’s standing up.

“What are you ...”

“Beating you on all the games in here can wait, I think my car’s broken down.” Aaron wriggles an eyebrow and smirks before he’s walking towards the door. Robert watches him before rising from his feet and following him outside.

They fall against the side of Aaron’s car, kissing breathlessly. It starts raining and Aaron opens up the door of the backseat to let them both scoot inside. It’s quiet for a second, and it’s them and it’s really not a date but it’s something.

Aaron drives around eventually, finds what looks like somewhere abandoned and gives Robert a frantic hand job until the rain gets harder and the sun pokes her head out again. Aaron sits up against Robert’s chest.

“They’ll be a rainbow.”

Robert hums against Aaron’s soft hair and a hand brushes through his thick curls as he tilts his head up out towards the window. “Yeah. Maybe.” He whispers.

“How long do you think we’ve been in here?” Aaron says, because the sun is setting now and he’s not even sure what exactly the time is. He feels Robert shrug against him. “You only don’t care because you don’t want me beating you on every game in there.”

Robert shakes his head and then he’s looking down at Aaron and kissing him again. “You wish.”

“You’re all talk.” Aaron says and then he’s pulling Robert down to kiss him again. “Come on.” Aaron sits up. 

Robert sits up straighter and frowns. “Don’t you need to ...” It’s sort of unspoken in this way that makes Aaron feel like he’s been split in two. He feels like there’s this choice and the thought shocks him completely.

“Have a warm up? Nah mate. I don’t think so.”

Aaron drives them back round to the arcade, ends up destroying him on some car game but Robert doesn’t want to admit it. He makes some big song and dance about the fact that his car model was older than Aaron’s.

“You’re such a drama queen.” Aaron says.

“I’d like to check.” Robert says. He goes to pull out his phone and Aaron pushes at him.

“No. You’ll probably lie.” Aaron says and then he’s reaching into his pocket and turning his phone on after hours. His thumb hovers for a second before he’s going onto Google, typing in the car model and then his phone if freezing.

He waits for a second and then sees that Nathan’s ran him ten times, left four voicemails and there’s so many texts from him that he can barely take them in. Aaron’s hands grow clammy. He doesn’t know what to do for a second until he’s opening up the messages and his eyes dart over to some of the words.

He concentrates on:

_I need you, where are you?_

_You need to come to the hospital now, it’s Sonny._

Everything seems to stop, he can’t think. All he knows is that it’s half six at night and the day has ran away with him and Nathan’s saying that Sonny’s in hospital. Nothing makes sense, he just keeps looking at all the messages until Robert has a hand on his arm.

“Admitting defeat then?” Robert says. Aaron looks at how happy he looks, he’s wearing casual clothes, hair sticking up in all the wrong places and his face is glowing this red colour from the lights of the place. He looks so _happy_.

“I have to go.” Aaron blurts out.

“What?” Robert’s face falls slightly.

Aaron shakes his head and then he’s running a hand through his hair. “Sonny’s in hospital. I have to go ...” He starts marching away and Robert follows after him, practically chases him down.

“Wait. One second, just ...”

“No. Don’t you get it? I can’t _wait_. He’s — _he’s_ been waiting for _me_.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. Aaron breathes in and imagines Nathan, alone, out of his mind with worry. Robert gulps hard and steps aside.

Aaron practically runs to his car. He’s gone in a matter of seconds.

—

Aaron pushes through the hospital doors, talks gibberish to one of the poor nurses until he spots Nathan sitting with his head down and he rushes towards him. He kneels, shakes at Nathan’s shoulder and then suddenly he’s being pushed back.

Nathan’s eyes are red raw, and he sucks in a breath when he notices it’s Aaron. It makes Aaron feel shaken to the core, it feels like Nathan’s looking into his soul or something. He’s never looked so angry before.

“Where the _fuck_ have you been?” Nathan whispers bitterly. “I’ve been calling you. I’ve been ... out of my mind.”

Aaron watches Nathan stand up. He’s so pale, looks like he hasn’t stopped crying since he arrived. Aaron reaches out again, and Nathan pulls himself away and starts walking up and down the corridor.

“I’m sorry. What’s — what’s happened. Come here.” Aaron reaches out again, and Nathan stands hunched against the wall. He’s crying again and it feels like someone’s punching Aaron in the stomach. “Nathan. Please. Is Sonny ...”

“He’s overdosed.”

Aaron’s eyes are wet instantly. “He’s what?”

“He scored. They found him near ... he was near ours.” Nathan runs a hand through his hair. “In the park, the one with the stream.” Aaron nods slowly. “He must have taken too much.”

Aaron breathes in. “I didn’t know ...”

It’s the shock that makes him say it, he looks up and watches as Nathan starts frowning at him.

“Why would you? You’ve been AWOL.” Nathan says. Aaron looks away and then Nathan’s turning into Columbo about it all. “What didn’t you know?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “I didn’t know he was going to ...” He breathes in again and he feels lightheaded.

“Did you see him?” Nathan’s face is _everything_ Aaron never wanted to see. He looks so disappointed. It’s everywhere. “Was he at ours like I thought?” Aaron feels his throat tightening and then Nathan gets his phone out. “I’ll ask the front desk at ours then shall ...”

“He said you owed him twenty quid. That’s all.” Aaron says quickly. He leans out to stop Nathan and then he sees the look on his face. It’s not disappointed, it’s anger, _everywhere_. “Nathan. I didn’t ...”

“He was at ours?” Nathan gulps hard. “He wanted money and you just _gave_ him it?”

Aaron shakes his head passionately. “ _No_. I said he had to leave but he was — he was going through drawers and I didn’t _see_ him take anything, but he could have taken ...”

Nathan has his hands up against his face and he sighs hard. “Are you mad?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Nathan. Please.”

“He’s overdosed because you couldn’t be bothered to ring me when my brother, the drug addict, asked you for money?”

Aaron bites his lip and remembers exactly why he didn’t. The thought didn’t even enter his name had because all he could think about was Robert. “He didn’t ask me. He just said you owed him. I didn’t believe him Nath, I was — I was ...”

“What?” Nathan comes off from the wall and Aaron closes his eyes shut and sees Robert. “Too distracted?”

Aaron opens his eyes slowly and feels his heart pound. “I didn’t think he’d taken anything. I’m sorry. OK. I’m sorry, I’m so ...”

“What does that matter now?” Nathan waves a hand up and then shudders. “He can’t breathe on his own, he can’t do _anything_.” He’s crying again and Aaron hovers close, tries to hug him. Nathan pushes him away _again_ and it hurts.

“What ... what have they said?” Aaron tries. Only Nathan keeps his head down, doesn’t say a word. “Nathan. Talk to me. Please. I’m ...”

“I want you to go.”

Aaron shakes his head. “No. I’m not leaving you on ...”

“I have been for hours.” Nathan says. He looks at Aaron again like he’s properly taking him in. “Whilst you’ve been working, putting that above everything else.”

“I know but ...”

A nurse comes out of nowhere and asks to speak to Nathan. Aaron goes to follow him, but Nathan stops him. “Just _go_. I can’t handle this right now.”

Aaron feels tears fall down his face as he watches Nathan disappear into a family room and he’s left watching from the sidelines. There’s this ache in him he can’t quite get over and everything feels cold.


	30. A lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron spirals as Nathan remains frosty with him. Robert grows concerned over Aaron's behaviour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE IT'S SATURDAY NOT SUNDAY I AM SO WILD IK IK
> 
> just a small heads up, again this chapter is quite long and a lot happens. 
> 
> but also! it includes some referencing to different forms of self harm, some more like examples of micro-aggression of self hate. i have tried to be as tasteful as possible with it, whilst most of it is implied and shown from robert's pov (i.e. sees aaron running) - nothing graphic, just thought i'd give a head's up.

Aaron makes excuses for work. He tells Leyla about Sonny’s overdose and the fact that he’s not heard much but he needs to be there for Nathan. She says she’s sorry and he listens in to hear the sounds of the office before she hangs up.

He stares at himself in the mirror and then jumps into the shower for what feels like forever. He thinks of how helpful it would be to be able to wash off all the guilt he feels, to let it slip and slide down the drain and then just disappear. It doesn’t work out that way. Instead, he’s forced to face the music when he sees Nathan asleep on the sofa in the living room.

He got in later than Aaron had expected last night. He’d made him a cup of tea, but it was stone cold by the time Nathan kicked his shoes off and settled on the sofa. Now, Nathan sits up straighter when Aaron puts a coffee out on the table in front of him.

“Here. Whilst it’s hot.”

Nathan doesn’t say anything. He just looks at Aaron and then down towards his phone like he’s waiting for something.

“How is he?”

Nathan gives Aaron this look. “He’s not responding.” He says. “He’s not responding Aaron.”

Aaron feels his shoulders deflate over the emotion thick in Nathan’s voice. He eases closer and then he’s wrapping his arms around Nathan and holding him as tight as he can. Nathan allows him to for longer than he expected and then he’s pulling back and telling him that he’s going to see him.

“I’ll come with you.” Aaron says. Nathan stops short, stands up and shakes his head. “I’ve taken the day off; I’m not letting you do this on your own.”

“Nice of you. Cheers.” Nathan says drily. Aaron bites something back and breathes out. Nathan stands up and heads towards the bathroom. “But I can’t ... I can’t have you there, knowing that ...”

Aaron frowns. “I’m sorry. I know I ... I took my eye off the ball with it all.” He says. “Look we can have a row about this later. You can be angry at me all you like but I feel ... I feel so guilty already.”

Nathan looks up at him.

“Right now, we just have to focus on getting him better. Then you can ... hate me all you like OK?” Aaron says. It’s the way he says it that must settle something in Nathan because he actually agrees with him.

Aaron smiles nervously, halfway there as he watches Nathan walk towards the bathroom and tell him that he’ll only need fifteen minutes. Aaron takes it as a tiny victory until he feels his phone heavy in his pocket, and he thinks about Robert.

He thinks about the fact that he ran off without any sort of explanation. The thought is heavy on his mind until Nathan is appearing again and he’s driving them both to the hospital to sit on some uncomfortable chairs and wait for news about no news.

Aaron takes a minute, for the first time since it’s all happened to really think about how stupid he was. He’s spent the night trying not to cry but if he’s honest it was more about Nathan hating him than the state of Sonny. Now though, he’s watched him through the window and seen the wires and the tubes and heard that he’s unresponsive but they’re hopeful that the damage isn’t as bad as they first thought.

Aaron’s never seen Sonny look so vulnerable before. He thinks of him at the flat yesterday and the way he was skittish and blunt with everything. Aaron remembers his eyes. It’s all he can think about. He should have known. He would have known if he had been bothered to pay attention to him and not —

It’s that. It always goes back to that.

Aaron’s pulled out of his thoughts by Nathan bouncing his knee up and down as a nurse tells them that they’re working against the drugs Sonny’s taken but it’s difficult he’s they don’t know what he’s taken. They’re hopeful. They say that again and Nathan looks like he wants to hit them.

It’s strange to see Nathan in this state. He hardly ever raises his voice, he’s never angry, and now he’s all of it rolled into one. Aaron dips his head down and then squeezes a hand over Nathan’s knee.

“It’s OK.” Aaron says, reassuring him as much as he can. It sounds empty. It sounds stupid and Nathan looks at him like he is. “I mean ...”

“Why were you at the flat?” Nathan says suddenly.

Aaron stares at how tried Nathan looks, the way his eyes flicker as he waits for an answer. Aaron doesn’t know what to say for a second, he doesn’t say anything until the words come out properly.

“I had meetings. They sent me home. To change.”

“Into a jumper? For a meeting?"

“It was a casual thing.” Aaron blurts out. He feels his heart start to thump in his chest over it as Nathan looks away from him.

“And then Sonny was there.” Nathan says, like he’s trying to work it all out. “Did he hurt you?”

“What? No.” Aaron turns his body towards Nathan. “Well he pushed me but ...”

“I’m just trying to work out how you didn’t notice him steal money from one of the drawers and leave.”

Aaron bites his lip. “I was emailing the client, saying I’d be late.”

“Client?”

“For the meeting.” Aaron says. He blinks quickly and can’t believe how quickly he’s able to just let the lies roll off his tongue. “I must have missed when he found some cash.” He sighs. “If I’d have seen then I wouldn’t have just let him go.”

Nathan gulps hard. “But you didn’t see. You were too busy.”

“So were you.” Aaron blurts out. “You were at work. I had to be at work.” Aaron’s shoulders deflate. “He’s an addict Nathan. He would have probably broken in if he was desperate enough to ...”

Nathan stands up. “Well that’s OK then.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “I’m not saying that. I just mean ...”

“You’re just blaming him? You don’t think I _know_ he’s an addict. I do. It’s exactly why we have to be careful, not play into his –”

Aaron nods. “I know. I’m ...” He breathes in. “But I’m not his fucking babysitter Nathan.”

Nathan’s eyes flicker. “Imagine it was Liv.”

Aaron’s jaw locks. Nathan shrugs at him.

“Imagine if she came to get a bottle of something and I was too busy to notice her take one, I didn’t call you to tell you she was in a bad ...”

“I get the point.” Aaron snaps. “But I didn’t do it on purpose.” Nathan bites his lip.

“You’re hardly cut up about it.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “You think I’m glad?”

“No. No I don’t ...” Nathan gulps hard. “I don’t know ...” He closes his eyes. “I just need time.”

“Time?” Aaron gulps hard. “What does that mean?”

Nathan’s eyes flicker. “Don’t make me say it.”

“Say what? You can’t be serious.” Aaron says. He leans closer. “I’m not giving you time when Sonny’s like this. You need me here for you not ...”

“I can’t even look at you Aaron.” Nathan’s eyes flicker. “I just ... I need to focus on Sonny.”

“Of course you do. We both do. That doesn’t mean ...”

“It does.” Nathan runs a hand over his face. “I think ... I think it’s best if you stay at your mum’s for a bit.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Please don’t be like this.”

Nathan frowns. “You think I want this? My brother in hospital and my fiancé at his mum’s? I just can’t ...”

Aaron doesn’t want him to say anything else. He takes a step back and then Nathan’s walking into Sonny’s room and Aaron realises he needs to leave.

—

Aaron thunders into work at three in the afternoon and everyone thinks he’s lost the plot. Leyla kindly reminds him that he’s free to have the whole day off and he barks and growls when she insists that he leaves.

“I’m fine here.” Aaron says, more than once. And he is, until he sees Robert coming out of one of the meeting rooms. He can’t help but stare at him, he wonders if Robert is going to be able to notice the redness in his eyes and the way he’s struggling not to break down.

Aaron tells himself to avoid Robert, avoiding him will be avoiding what he’s caused and what he’s done and the fact that he’s a terrible person.

It seems to work until the end of the day and the office is slowing down. He looks up and watches Robert staring at him like he can’t look anywhere else. There’s no one around when Robert eventually speaks.

“Are you going to tell me?”

Aaron bites his lip. “I can’t speak about it.”

It only makes Robert look nervous. “Is Sonny OK?”

“He’s unresponsive.” Aaron says. He keeps his head down as he speaks, and Robert’s shoulders deflate as he moves his chair closer towards him. “He took an overdose.”

“As in, he wanted to kill ...”

Aaron’s head thumps hard like his heart has swapped places in his body. He hasn’t even thought of that. It makes him feel sick, it makes him think of all the thoughts that must be running around in Nathan’s head.

“I don’t know.” Aaron whispers. His shoulders sag. He runs a hand over his face and keeps his head down as Robert looks at him.

“Well what happened?”

“He was at the flat.” Aaron says. “He just _barged_ in, he looked like he was desperate. He said Nathan owed him money and I let him ...” He closes his eyes. “I didn’t know he took any money, but he did and then he ...”

Robert’s hand is on Aaron’s knee. “You weren’t meant to know he was ...”

Aaron yanks his head up. “I was meant to know when he’s not right. I could see it. I knew it. But I just didn’t care. I was too caught up on ...”

“On what?” Robert says. Aaron just looks up at him. “Me. When I was texting you about waiting.” He leans back slowly.

Aaron shudders. “I should have seen. I should have _noticed_.”

“You need to calm down because ... getting yourself in a state isn’t going to do any good.” Robert tells him. Aaron just keeps shaking his head. “Hey. It’s going to be OK.”

“How?” Aaron pushes Robert’s hand away from him. “Sonny might not wake up. He could _die_ and it’d be down to me. Me. Because I was too busy focusing on you, making out like I could just split things in my head and everything would be fine.”

Robert doesn’t say anything. His mouth hangs open like he wants to get something out, fight his corner but can’t. The thing is, he doesn’t even looked shocked. He looks like he expected Aaron to throw it at him sooner or later.

“What am I meant to say?” Robert eventually says, his face is bright pink and he shudders. “I ... I’m sorry about Sonny. I am.” He looks around. “But like I said ... he’ll be fine, they know what they’re doing.”

Aaron shuts his eyes, sighs. “So does Nathan. He’s chucked me out, he hates me.” Aaron’s eyes are wet when he opens them. “He’ll probably never trust me again. I don’t even blame him.”

Robert soaks in the news and feels his shoulders tighten and then relax. He suddenly thinks of how he didn’t want it to go like this, that in an ideal world Aaron woke up one day and realised he just wanted Robert. But it doesn’t mean this still doesn’t make his heart pound. “He’s ended it?”

“A break apparently.” Aaron looks down and then up again. “No need to look so smug about it.” He gets up and starts walking like he has any idea where he’s going. He just needs to breathe. He feels like he hasn’t for so long.

Robert has a hand on his shoulder as he follows Aaron.

“What do you want me to say?”

Aaron’s eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know.” He shouts. “Nothing. Just ... nothing because it’ll only make it worse.”

Robert staggers back slightly. “Make it worse? I’m trying to be here for you whilst you tell me your _fiancé’s_ chucked you out. I don’t know what else I’m meant to ...”

“Nothing.” Aaron snaps. “I don’t need this, and you, just reminding me of how much I’ve fucked things up.”

Robert’s face is bright red and there’s this hollow feeling in his chest. He thinks of Bernice suddenly. “Be alone then.” He whispers.

It cuts through Aaron and he feels hollow against it. It’s like there’s nothing else left as Robert grabs his things and leaves him.

—

His mum has long since turned his bedroom into a dressing room for herself. It’s all big wardrobes and this weird feathery chandelier so he has to settle with a sofa bed sandwiched between boxes of shoes.

He stares down at the bed and groans inwardly. He thought about calling a mate, asking if he could stay the night. Then he thought about a hotel. Then he thought about his mum. Free food and pints seemed to outweigh the thought of having to tell her why he’s here.

There’s a knock on the door just gone half ten and his mum stands there with a cup of tea for him. He takes it willingly and then sits back against the wall, staring out at the village. He thinks of how close Robert’s mum is from here. He thinks about it Robert ever wondered into the village when he was a little boy, if Aaron ever met him before meeting him. The flash of the thought is quickly followed by how Sonny is doing.

“Are you going to tell me why you’re here then?”

Aaron doesn’t want to. He nearly tells her to leave it but then he thinks about the fact that he can’t keep things bottled up inside. It’s no good for him, none of this is. But it’s also not about him at all so he doesn’t get to receive any sympathy.

“Sonny overdosed.”

“Oh my God.” Chas says. She comes closer towards Aaron and folds her arms over. “Is he ...”

Aaron shrugs.

Chas sighs, tuts even. “I’m going to need more than that love.” She says. “Why aren’t you there with Nathan?”

“Because it’s my fault he’s in there.” Aaron says. The mug is too hot, but he doesn’t put it down. He squeezes harder around it. “Sonny came looking for money and I didn’t notice him taking any, but he did. He took money from the flat and then got off his face and ...”

Chas’ eyes widen. “What do you mean you didn’t notice?”

Aaron shakes his head. “I wasn’t paying attention.” He whispers. “I should have been but ...”

“What was more important?”

It’s weird having his mum not immediately jump to his defence. He sort of welcomes it and hates it at the exact same time. He tries to get his words out, but it’s all jumbled and it hardly makes any sense.

“You wouldn’t have known.” Chas quickly says. “He’s an addict love, he would have found it from anywhere. God, he could have done a hell of a lot more damage than taking some cash from yours.”

“Tell Nathan that.”

Chas frowns. “What? He blames you.”

Aaron shrugs. “He doesn’t want to see me, reckons his head is all over the place enough.”

“He’s angry. Shocked. Upset. He’s just taking that all out on you.”

“Well he should ‘cause I should have been paying attention.” Aaron says. “If that was Liv, if he ... I’d be even worse than he is.” He says, because he can’t help but pile on the worry and pain of all of this. It gnaws away at just about everything he has in him.

“He’ll calm down.”

“He said he needed a break.” Aaron says. Chas looks away from him. “It’s bad.”

“It’s not.”

“He’s right. I don’t deserve him; I don’t act like I deserve ...”

Chas holds his arm, looks at him with big serious eyes. “You’re getting yourself into a state over nothing. He’ll wake up, he’ll be better, and Nathan will want you there with him.”

Aaron shudders. “You don’t know that.” He whispers to her, feels like he’s a child suddenly. “He could die.”

Chas doesn’t say anything and he’s grateful. It makes it easier to just cry a little and have her close by. Even if pink feathers keep falling from the chandelier and making him want to scream.

—

Robert stares out towards the country roads and then looks back at his mum’s house. He should be inside, asking about her and Mark and being a good son but he isn’t doing any of that. He’s staring out and wondering if Aaron’s spent the day at his mum’s pub or at the hospital.

It’s a thought that doesn’t seem to budge. It just sits on his mind until his mum is coming out and asking him why he isn’t playing Pictionary with them. He has to laugh.

“I’m not ten. That’s why.”

“Well Andy’s in there playing.” Sarah says.

“Well that’s because he has the mental age of ...”

“Not nice.” Sarah wriggles a finger out towards Robert and then comes to stand next to him. The sun’s setting and there’s this orange hue to it that makes Robert stare.

“That is. Nice sunset.” Robert nods slowly.

“Nicer than being in there with your family?” Sarah asks. She looks nervous with it. “Is it Mark?”

Robert frowns. “No. Of course not.” He says. “It’s not him, I’m just tired. I couldn’t sleep last night.”

Sarah just gives him a look. “Aaron then.”

“Don’t.”

“Why not?” Sarah says. “I take it you’ve had a row or something.”

Robert feels this shoulders relax. “Not really. We had a date. Sort of.” Sarah nods him along. “He had his phone off and everything. Turns out he missed Nathan’s brother overdosing.”

Sarah’s eyes are wide. “What do you mean _missed_?”

“He wasn’t paying attention. He was too busy focusing on me. Look what happens.”

“What, when he treats you like more than his bit on the side?”

“Mum.” Robert says. Then he stops. The wind picks up and he breathes in.

“Nathan said he needed time.” Robert says. “Then Aaron said he needed time from me so.” He turns and sees Sarah’s face. “Yeah. I know.”

“He’s a nightmare.” Sarah says. She huffs. “I hope he isn’t blaming you for his mess _again_.”

Robert bites his lip. “I don’t really know what he’s doing.” He says. “He wasn’t in work today. He’s ... I don’t know.”

Sarah crosses her arms over.

“You’re probably happy he’s staying away from me.”

Sarah pulls a face. “Secretly, yeah.”

“It’s not a secret now you’ve said it.” Robert says, but there’s a half smile on his face. “Maybe he’s done with me.” He says, after a few seconds. “Maybe that’s it.”

“Ask him.”

Robert frowns faintly. “I don’t think I want to know the answer.”

Sarah lets out this sigh and then she’s coming closer towards her son and squeezing his side. The sun sets fully, and Robert stares up at the darkening sky.

—

Robert picks up a meal for one like an absolute idiot, gets this weird look from one of the cashiers as he uses the self check out. He’s not sure if he’s trying to flirt with him, or not. Robert doesn’t pay him any attention as he grabs a bag without paying for it and dashes out of the shop.

He’s almost home, the rain pouring quicker than he wants it to be, when he gets a text from Priya asking if he’s free for a drink next week. It’s quickly followed by a text telling him that it’s strictly professional and about a client she’s looking to grab. Robert smiles down, goes to send a text before he’s thumping right into someone and watching as his phone skitters across the pavement.

He’s seconds away from losing his mind when he looks up and recognises who’s trying to apologise. Aaron’s in front of him, running gear on, hair a sweaty mess.

Robert frowns, unsure of what‘s going on and shocked to see Aaron standing in front of him. He’s stopped jogging on the spot, and it gives Robert the chance to look him up and down properly.

“You’re — running?” Robert tilts his head and then he ducks it because of the rain. “It’s freezing.”

Aaron shrugs. He bounces on the spot. Robert can almost see through him, it’s like he’s not even really there.

“It helps me run faster.” Aaron jumps up and then down again. “Look. Sorry for bumping into you, I genuinely didn’t even know it was ...”

“Why would you? You’re in your own world. The one where you have to hurt yourself. Punish yourself.” Robert suddenly realises. He shakes his head, his hair a wet mop now because of the rain. “Aaron.” He says when Aaron looks away from him.

“What?” Aaron almost shouts. “What do you want?”

“You to pack it in.” Robert shouts back. Then he comes towards Aaron, shakes his head again. “This isn’t the way.”

“I’m fine.” Aaron says, but he’s not. He’s shaking and he’s cold, but he’s clearly ran for ages and worked up a sweat, so his body doesn’t know what do with itself.

“You’re shaking.” Robert brings a hand across and touches Aaron’s shoulder. Aaron lets him for a second, Robert’s hands explore the area and then Aaron is pushing him away.

“No. Don’t.” Aaron says. “Don’t be nice, I don’t deserve you being nice.”

“And you deserve this? Hurting yourself?” Robert’s jaw locks. “No. No you don’t.” He panics when Aaron completely ignores him. “I take it this is because of Nathan.”

Aaron listens to that. “He isn’t returning my calls.” He says after a few seconds. The rain hits at Robert’s shoulders, bounces off and then he watches as Aaron starts walking towards a bench near the town centre.

Robert follows him. He waits until Aaron’s sitting down, taking off his trainers. Robert looks down, sees that he isn’t bleeding like he imagined he would. He breathes out a sigh of relief.

“He’s focusing on Sonny.” Aaron says quietly. “Not ready to talk. Might never be.”

Robert gulps. The bench is soaking but Aaron stays seated. He thinks about how Aaron’s able to use the weather like this to his advantage when he wants to hurt himself. “Aaron, you should go ...”

“What about we both do?” Aaron says. He nods his head and Robert sort of just stares at him. He doesn’t know what to say. “Me and you. We could just get away. Right?”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “What?”

“Manchester sounds good. I’ve got friends there. Or — or London. We could ...” Aaron bounces his knee and then shrugs.

Robert feels like his heart is being twisted in his chest and he turns away slowly, just starts walking until Aaron is grabbing him by the arm.

“Why are you ...”

“Nathan hates you. Right? So I’m just here, second best. _Right_?”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “I was just ...”

“Talking _shit_.” Robert tells him. He pulls Aaron’s arm away from his and then goes to leave again before he walks back towards the bench and grabs at his phone.

“Robert. Rob, I ...” Aaron runs a hand through his hair and then Robert is walking back towards him with Aaron’s trainers in his hand.

“I’ve ordered you a cab. Get in and go back to your mum’s.” Robert says. Then he walks, pushing past Aaron and holding his trainers firmly in his hand.

He waits, turns the corner and just waits at a bus stop until he’s being told that the cab has arrived. He peaks his head out and sees Aaron get inside tentatively. Robert’s shoulders relax and he walks the rest of the way home.

Later, he sits and thinks about if had indulged Aaron in the senseless shit he was spewing. He thinks about asking Aaron to call Nathan, tell him that he’s leaving him, that he’s going to start a new life with someone else. He thinks about how quickly Aaron would have asked for time, how Nathan will stop being a stubborn arse in a few days about all of this anyway.

He thinks and thinks and then stares at Aaron’s mucky, sodden trainers near his front door. He bites his lip and then pulls out his phone to track where his cab ended up. He puts his phone down again when he realises that Aaron actually listened to him.

—

The next time Robert sees Aaron, it’s half eight at night, two days later. Robert’s forgot his USB stick. It’s why he walks past one of the conference rooms and sees someone rustling about inside.

The way he picks up a stapler like it’ll do some real damage is purely on instinct. He pushes the door open and there’s Aaron, work suit still on and a small blanket over his middle. He’s got his laptop out, headphones on. He looks startled.

“Jesus. What are you doing?” Robert says. He leans against the door and Aaron stands to attention. He’s all awkward with it. Robert feels his heart burst.

“What’s that for?” Aaron asks. He stares at the stapler Robert’s holding and then looks away again.

“I didn’t know who was here.” Robert says. He doesn’t know whether to leave or not. Aaron doesn’t make it any easier.

“You thought you’d staple someone to death?”

Robert shrugs. “Never know.” He says. It’s almost a joke. Then he twists his body towards the door again before looking back at Aaron. “Why are ... you here?”

Aaron blinks. “Isn’t it obvious?” He says. His voice sounds like it’s barely there, Robert soaks the words right in. “My mum’s ... she was going on, so she thinks me, and Nathan are fine. But.” He breathes in.

“But you're not?”

Aaron stares up and then shakes his head. Robert’s left thinking of Aaron spending nights in here and he feels bad for a second.

“I should ...” Robert motions towards the door, says it just to be polite really.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron blurts out. Robert turns around slowly. “The other night, I ... I’m sorry. I know I’ve been avoiding you. Sorry.”

Robert gulps hard. “For what?”

Aaron shuts his eyes. “I was pushing myself with the running yeah but ... not to the point where I was bleeding.” He rationalises. “I just thought that ...”

“It was cold, raining hard. Could do damage?”

Aaron looks shocked, stunned even that Robert understands, knows. He nods his head slowly.

“It’s not every day your boyf—fiancé’s brother overdoses.” He says. “But that doesn’t mean ... I don’t want to hurt you.” He wipes at his face. “I’m sorry.”

“How is he?”

Aaron plays with his phone and then holds it out in front of him. “Alive.” He says. “Nathan text. He’s awake. Better.” He cups his face in his hands. “Nathan’s still ... but I’m working on it. It’s better now Sonny’s better. You know, not out of the woods or anything but ...”

Robert tries to inch closer to Aaron and then decides not to. Something tells him not to.

“It’s something.” Robert says. His voice hardly there. He thinks of Aaron’s stupid comment about run away and how it’s burned into his brain.

Aaron almost senses it. “Robert. What I said ...”

“I should go Aaron.” Robert says. He looks around and then to the floor. “Your trainers are still at mine; I think I’ll keep them for now.”

Aaron frowns. “I won’t — do that again.” He says and then Robert looks down at how he’s stroking a hand over his knuckles instead of almost clawing. Robert watches him do it over and over again. “Aaron ...”

Aaron pulls his hands away.

“See someone.” Robert says. “Stop blaming yourself for what happened.” He says. Aaron looks away and Robert tuts, comes towards him and then holds a hand against Aaron’s knee.

Aaron takes a breath. Robert hears it and his heart flutters. He doesn’t let it show.

Aaron looks down at Robert’s hand and then slowly puts his hand over it, strokes his thumb over it slowly before stopping when he sees the look on Robert’s face. It’s the one that says don’t, that questions why Aaron always has to be this soft with him sometimes.

Robert leans back. “I should go.”

“You don’t have ...”

“I do.” Robert says. He knows it.

Aaron shudders. “Rob. My head’s all over the place you know.” He runs a hand through his hair. He looks like he hasn’t slept for days suddenly. He says as much. Robert hasn’t either. Maybe it’s that that makes him react the way he does.

“Neither have I.” Robert tells him after a few minutes. “Things go wrong with Nathan and it’s all that matters. I’m _nothing_ so quickly.” He says. He can’t help but say it.

Aaron looks up. “Don’t say that.” He says almost instantly. “Why would you say that? You know how I feel about you.”

Robert breathes in. “Do I? When you’re saying you’re trying all you can to get things back on track with your fiancé.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker gently. “It’s not that simple.” He says. “You _know_ it isn’t that simple.”

Robert takes a step back.

“I just have to focus on ...”

“One relationship at a time.” Robert sticks a hand in his pocket and then leans away. He feels like he shouldn’t have said it, he almost wants to take it back but then he decides to stand tall instead. “I get it. I get where I stand.”

“Don’t say it like that.”

“It’s true.” Robert says. He backs away. “Just look after yourself. OK? Talk to someone if you have to.” Aaron nods. Robert sighs. Aaron doesn’t even follow him. He stays where he is, and Robert leaves the room. He stares at the door like he half expects Aaron to run out, stop him, say something.

But then Aaron’s focusing on one relationship at a time.

—

Aaron gets a call from Nathan the next day. He says that he wants to see him, that he’s at the hospital and that they can go and have a coffee or something. Leyla gives him the morning off; he passes Robert without saying anything even though he wants to.

Nathan looks tried when he approaches Aaron in the hospital cafe. He runs a hand over his face and Aaron offers him this small smile. It fades a little when Nathan sits opposite him.

“Hey.” Aaron says. “Thanks for ... seeing me.”

Nathan bites his lip. His head stays down as he speaks. “I shouldn’t have just text you he’s alive. I knew how worried you were.”

“Still.” Aaron says quickly. “Yeah we don’t exactly see eye to eye, but I care about him because I care about you.” He says. He breathes in. “How is he?”

Nathan sighs. “There were complications. He reacted badly, so much worse than they thought.” Aaron nods. “But he’s out today.”

Aaron’s shoulders relax. “Has he told you anything about why he did it?”

Nathan rolls his eyes. “That’s an even bigger headache.” He says.

“Why? Tell me.” Aaron whispers.

“His girlfriend’s pregnant. Due soon. It’s his and he only found by accident. She didn’t tell him ‘cause she’s ... she’s an addict too.”

Aaron takes in the information and then shakes his head, eyes flickering. “So he found out and ...”

“He said he wanted to escape, not actually kill himself or anything.” Nathan looks into Aaron’s eyes. “He said he was sorry to you as well.”

Aaron’s stunned. “What?”

“He said he was nasty to you when he was at ours, that he shouldn’t have made it your business to stop him.” Nathan says. “He was actually in your defence.” Aaron’s eyebrow raises.

“Wow.”

“Yeah. He’s got bigger fish to fry than go on about you being dodgy.”

Aaron tilts his head down. This silence stretches out between them for what feels like minutes. “So what about the baby?”

Nathan shrugs. “No idea.” He says. “I don’t think she wants to keep it.

“He has to talk to her.”

“He has to sort himself out first.”

Aaron nods. “And us?” Nathan looks away. “Look at me, please. These last few days have been ... seriously Nath.”

Nathan stares back. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away.” Aaron gulps. “I just ... I don’t know what I was thinking. I just needed to focus on Nathan, and I couldn’t.”

Aaron nods his head. “You know I’m sorry.”

Nathan huffs. “It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known.” He whispers. “I know.”

Aaron’s shoulders relax. “That’s a relief.” He whispers. He almost smiles and then he watches as Nathan does too. “Because I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Aaron leans his hands out, squeezes around Nathan’s and then he’s coming around the table to hug his fiancé. He holds him so tight, and he promises himself he’s not going to mess up so badly again. He almost whispers it into Nathan’s shoulder.

He nearly says Robert’s name instead.

—

Robert’s been working all day. He’s due a break and he welcomes one when Vic rings him complaining about something and he gets to pretend it’s a client. He uses big words at first, nods in agreement until he’s finding an empty meeting room and relaxing again.

“You know I’m at work.”

“So am I.” Vic says. “But I had to have a word about some client, he wants to order in bulk but the price he’s trying to charge is ... fishy.”

Robert sighs. “Right.”

“Yeah so I thought you could look over his order for me. Check it’s all legit.”

“I’m not an accountant.”

“Don’t you know one?” Vic says. He hears her in her van knocking things about and he waits for her to tell him she’ll call back later but she doesn’t. “Is Aaron an accountant?”

Robert rolls his eyes. Then she’s asking him what’s wrong like she’s _seen_ him. He sits up straighter.

“You’ve had another argument?”

Robert sighs. “Hasn’t mum told you?”

“Told me what?” Vic says. “You might as well now.”

Robert’s blunt with it all, she’s shocked, it makes him feel worse than he was when he started this whole conversation. For a second she doesn’t say anything, and then she’s telling him that he’s not to blame, that Aaron can’t just drop him when things get difficult.

“I know all this Vic. I know.”

Vic sighs. “But you love him.” She says. “Is that even enough now?”

The question is heavier than one he wanted to answer. The reality is, he doesn’t know how loving Aaron could not be enough in any given situation. It runs that deep. It’s scary.

“I had a plan didn’t I? Convince him he can’t be without me. Make him realise he has to choose without me forcing him to. I had it worked out and it doesn’t even matter.” Robert stares out the window. “Because he’s been spending the last few days trying all he can to get back into Nathan’s good books whilst I’m here waiting for him to look at me.”

Vic sighs. “Rob ...”

“Yeah. I’m pathetic. I know that.”

“You’re _not_.” Vic says. “I just think you have to be more realistic about this.”

 _He isn’t ever going to leave him_. 

Robert stares down at the carpet. He can’t look anywhere else; he feels his head practically spin with the thought. It’s everywhere.

Then the door is opening. He turns and sees Aaron standing there. He looks like he doesn’t know what he’s meant to say. Robert just stares and then he’s telling Vic that he’ll call her back.

“Can I have a word?” Aaron shuts the door and walks towards Robert before stopping again. “Please.”

Robert clears his throat. “You look tired.” He says, but he can’t help but notice that his shoulders seems like they’re carrying less than they were a few days ago.

“I am.” Aaron says, itches the side of his head. “I ... still haven’t been sleeping. I can’t stop thinking about ...”

“Sonny. Yeah. Is he OK?”

Aaron gulps hard. “He will be.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. He shuts his eyes, turns towards the window and realises what Aaron has come here to tell him. “So everything’s fine.”

Aaron shakes his head. “No. It can’t be, not when me and you are ...”

“What?” Robert says. “He comes first. Nathan. He’ll always come first, and I have to ... be realistic about that.” He thinks of Vic’s words, they ring in his ears. He stares out of the window whilst Aaron walks towards him.

“It’s not like that.” Aaron says. “I ... I can’t be without you.” He whispers. “I thought pushing you would be easier, but it’s been ...” He frowns. “I’ve just wanted you, needed you to make things better.”

“For you. So you and Nathan can be fine. Is that it?”

Aaron’s eyes are wet, and Robert feels something kick his stomach.

“This isn’t about me and him. It’s me and you. It’s ... I need _you_.”

“You need him Aaron.” Robert gulps hard.

“He’s still not enough.” Aaron says. Robert stares at him. “How can he be when as soon as we were fine again, I just wanted you there instead.”

Robert almost wants Aaron to have a mute button. He shakes his head and then sits down again. “Don’t stay stuff like ...”

“It’s true.” Aaron says. “It’s _true_.” He looks towards the closed door and then bends down towards Robert. His hands are firm against Robert’s waist, and he strokes gently.

Robert closes his eyes against it. Aaron’s forehead is so close to his.

“I know you don’t get it; I don’t pissin’ get it but ... all I know is that I need you.”

“You need him.” Robert says again.

Aaron shuts his eyes. “It’s not just him.” He says. It feels like the first time Aaron has ever actually tried to convey what he’s doing all this for, what it’s all about. “It’s more than just ... him.” He whispers. “It’s everything everyone ... ever thought of me.”

Robert thinks of how someone like Aaron isn’t built for an affair. He cares too much, loves to deeply. He feels _everything_ and it makes Robert want him more and more but at the same time want to back away.

Aaron shudders and Robert thinks of this life he’s built up for himself and how hard everyone knows he’s dug himself out of dark places to end up where he is now. He thinks of how everyone finding out about this would ruin that somehow.

Aaron breathes in.

“People get hurt when you focus away from what you have.” Robert tells him. He can’t shake it.

“I have you though, you ain’t separate.” Aaron says. “I hope.” He closes his eyes and his lips brush past Robert’s until he’s kissing him. “I’m sorry.” He whispers. Robert’s neck is thrown back and he balls his hands into Aaron’s shirt as they keep kissing.

Robert eventually pulls away. “Aaron ...”

Aaron nods as his mouth strokes against Robert’s. “I’m so sorry.” He says. “I just ... I feel so much when I’m with you and I don’t know how to turn it off.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. He doesn’t know that to say. He just stares. “Have you been ... running anymore?”

Aaron pulls away and looks serious. “No. Keep my trainers if you want.”

Robert’s shoulders relax. “Nah. Think I’ll bin them, they’re rank.”

Aaron almost laughs before he’s sobering.

“You know, don’t you?” Aaron says it like saying the words is too much, too big, too heavy. It makes Robert pull back and nod his head slowly. “Please don’t .. ever think that I ... don’t. I do.”

“I know.”

“I’m just a _dick_.”

Robert looks down and then holds at Aaron’s hand. “I’m not about to disagree with you over that.”

Aaron smiles, he’s got tears in his eyes and they fall down his face before he’s rubbing a hand roughly over his face. “Charming.” He says before he’s stroking his thumb over Robert’s hand and closing his eyes. “Can’t lose you. I can’t.” He says.

For a second, Aaron tilts his head down onto Robert’s lap and everything goes quiet.

—

Robert’s mum wants to know how he is, and he blames his sister entirely. He agrees to come over after work and he plans on telling her exactly how he is but then he doesn’t really understand it himself. He’s relieved, more than relieved because Aaron looks at him sometimes like he takes his breath away. It’s his speciality.

It happened today, Aaron was this vulnerable pile of goo and Robert was unable to feel anything but love for him. It’s there, it’s always _there_.

Only his mum would rather it not be. He’s only halfway through the door when she’s offering him a cup of tea and asking him if Sonny’s dead in the bluntest way in the world.

“No. He’s not _dead_.” Robert takes his coat off and throws it over the wooden stand in the corner of the room. He comes towards the sofa and sits with a thump. “He’s alive. He’s going to be fine.”

Sarah seems pleased. “Oh. That’s a relief.” She says before sighing. Robert thinks about how tangled things are, how his mum probably prayed that her son’s secret boyfriend’s fiancé’s brother didn’t end up kicking the bucket. He sits on the thought for a second before Sarah’s talking about. “I take it you spoke to Aaron then.”

Robert arches an eyebrow. “You could say that.” He says. He turns to her and then sees her face. Something tells him to stop, wait a second. “What?”

“It’s over isn’t it?” Sarah says, she says it like she wants it to be true. Robert’s mouth hangs open and no words actually come out. “I can tell.”

“How?”

“The way he’s been treating you recently.” Sarah waves a hand out. “I could swing for him.”

“You’ve made that very clear.” Robert says. He grabs a cushion and then holds it firmly against his frame. He was planning on telling her that things are OK, that Aaron’s _his_ in this way he’s no one else’s. Aaron says things and Robert believes them, really believes that he doesn’t tell Nathan anything even remotely similar. It sounds so stupid now. He can’t get passed how stupid it would sound if he dared to actually say it.

“What’s she made clear?” Vic’s coming down the stairs and he watches her fold her arms over and squint.

Sarah looks at her daughter and sighs. “How much I want to swing for Aaron.” She says. Vic nods, almost laughs. “I don’t have to now though.” She almost smiles and Robert doesn’t know what to do or say.

Sarah leans back against the sofa and she looks so relived. It’s all Robert can see. Vic’s eyes are wide, and she shakes her head.

“What do you mean?”

“They’re over.” Sarah says. “I could tell as soon as he walked in.”

Vic looks at her brother. “You ended it?”

Robert finds himself nodding almost immediately. It’s easier suddenly to not have to talk about his messed-up situation with anyone anymore. “Yeah.” He says.

Vic’s shoulders flatten just like Sarah’s had. “I’m sorry.” She says. Sarah has a hand around Robert, and she squeezes his arm.

“It’s ...”

“He was trying to get back with Nathan wasn’t he? He wasn’t even _trying_ to choose you.” Vic says. Robert looks up and he breathes in sharply. It makes his head spin.

“They’re back together.” Robert says. “Never really even ... split.” He says.

Sarah sighs. “Darling.” She says. Robert looks at her slowly. “I know it’s not what you wanted but ...”

“But mum’s already got her eyes set on a _lovely_ girl from the village for you.” Vic says. She rolls her eyes, pulls a face and Robert smiles before feeling his heart twist.

“Victoria.” Sarah hisses. “It’s too soon for that.”

“It’s just what you said.” Vic says. Sarah gets up to go make him a cup of tea and Vic comes closer towards him. “Hey.” Robert looks up. “You OK?”

Robert finds her protectiveness amusing; he practically drags her into a half hug half headlock and doesn’t actually say a word.

It feels a lot easier than what he’s been doing lately.


	31. A ceremony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron struggles with his loyalties. Robert is stunned by an offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! So I’ve had a bit of a hard time thinking about how to separate the chapters. I wanted to keep to the 40 chapters but that means that there’s going to be long chapters incoming.

  
Aaron’s got his face in his phone and he’s scrolling away, looking up nonsense. He switches to watching someone playing his favourite video game, thanks to Liv’s handy link. He’s halfway through when he gets an advert talking about wedding venues and he’s shocked. It’s not a bad shock. It’s just a normal sort of shock, surprise. He was up late last night thinking about things, most of it was about being one of those guys who has a secret life. He was thinking about what his mum would say, what work would say. The thoughts just terrify him and he’s not really sure why. He just knows that what he’s doing and what he hears other blokes do isn’t the same thing.

Robert is so far from a sleazy affair it’s mad.

He was staring up at the ceiling and thinking constantly of weekends away with Robert whilst he’s married and moving through life.

Aaron thinks suddenly of spending the rest of his life doing this. He can’t imagine it. He knows, he’s always known that sooner rather than later this is all going to just end, just stop somehow.

The sound of arguing manages to nip the thoughts in the bud. He looks towards Bernice’s little cubicle and stops in front of it to see Leyla and Bernice sniping at each other.

“Look. I know this is difficult for you, I’m not saying it isn’t ... but I’m just saying that we need to ...”

“To what?” Bernice shouts. “Get on? I’m trying to forget but you’re right under my nose. All the time.”

“Hey.” Aaron steps forward. “Is everything ...”

Leyla passes him quickly and he follows her out, right towards the kitchen area. She’s wiping her face, trying not to smudge her massacre. Aaron looks at her and then away again but sighing.

“That looked ... intense.”

“Pretty much.” Leyla says. She takes out Jimmy’s stash of biscuits. “She’s ... I’m trying with her but ...”

“To what? You’re with her _ex_.” Aaron folds her arms over. “I didn’t even know you had a thing for him.”

Leyla shrugs. “It was sudden. Just ... I just felt things for him and yeah I shouldn’t have gone there but I did.”

Aaron gulps hard.

“And then I had to wait for him to break it off with her and that was torture.” Leyla says. Aaron looks at her with wide eyes and thinks of Robert. “But no one wants to know about that do they?”

Aaron’s mouth twitches. “Try me.”

Leyla looks shocked. Aaron nods his head, wants to know, wants to understand what it was like for her.

“He made out like it was nothing, what we had.” Leyla sighs. “And it was hard, to see him with her, to hear her going on about him.” She shakes her head. “We never actually did anything you know.”

Aaron nods, waves a hand out.

“Just a kiss. We just kissed.” Leyla turns towards him. “It took two weeks of her away and he wanted me.” She shrugs.

Aaron plays with his hands and then she offers him a biscuit. He takes one, and then shoves it in his mouth before gulping quickly.

“It must have been hard.” Aaron says. “Being the other ...”

Leyla’s eyes widen. “Woman? Well not for very long but ... sort of still feels like it now.” She sighs. “With Bernice making me feel like this. But I can’t say that can I? I wronged _her_.”

“True.” Aaron says. “But ... doesn’t mean you can’t feel things about it.”

“Like jealousy.” Leyla says. “Like knowing the person you want to be with is ... already someone else’s.”

Aaron gulps thickly and then leans against the counter. “Yeah.” He says. “Like that.” He whispers. He scratches his head and then closes his eyes.

“But it worked out for me and him so maybe this will blow over.” Leyla says. Aaron stays silent and she scowls at him almost playfully. “That’s what you’re meant to say.”

Aaron snaps out of it and nods. She laughs at him and then she groans and puts the biscuits back.

—

Aaron has his hands firm against Robert’s shoulders as they move. His eyes are closed shut until he’s shouting Robert’s name and shuddering. The bed feels bigger when Aaron pulls himself on top of Robert just to stare at him. He’s got his chin resting on Robert’s chest and he just stares.

“Why you looking at me?” Robert asks. He bumps his nose down against Aaron’s and then smiles.

Aaron shrugs back. “Just want to.”

“Creep.” Robert says. Aaron rolls his eyes and then he’s stroking a hand over Robert’s chest. He’s gentle with it, soft, slow. “What are you thinking?”

Aaron was thinking about a lot of things before Robert dragged him into his arms and pushed him back on his bed. Robert’s room is dark, almost like a cave and Aaron was Instantly calmed by it.

“You.” Aaron whispers gently. “How you make me ... calm but crazy at the same time.” He kisses Robert’s chest and then looks up into Robert’s eyes. “It’s mad.”

“So are you.” Robert has this smile heavy on his face and then he starts kissing Aaron again, and again and again and everything is quiet. He holds Aaron down on the bed again, his strong arms closing in around Aaron as the sheets pull up from the covers of the bed.

Aaron has a hand pressed against Robert‘s chest and he tries to catch his breath. “I missed this.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “So did I.”

“I missed you.” Aaron says. Robert looks more sincere as he stares. His eyes are this dazzling green and it makes everything stop. “You know I always do. When you’re not around.”

Robert gulps hard. It’s this that he wants Vic and his mum to hear. He dips his head and then Aaron’s holding it up again.

“You know.” Aaron says. “Always know.”

Robert frowns at him. “Why you saying all this?” He says. His naked body presses tighter against Aaron’s and makes them both hitch a breath.

Aaron shrugs. He reaches a hand up to stroke over Robert’s hair. He needs a haircut. He’s said it so many times.

“Because I treat you like shit.” Aaron whispers. “Sometimes.” He shakes his head. “I don’t mean it but ...”

“If you did I wouldn’t be here, and I definitely would have chucked your trainers rather than bought them back nicely.”

Aaron smiles and then gulps hard, moves closer to Robert. “I love ...”

Robert has this small smile on his face, bashful almost and he cuts Aaron off.

“I know you.” Aaron looks away, thinks about the person Robert sees and how it doesn’t match up to how anyone else will if this all comes out. “I know that ... I know the real you.” He runs a hand over Aaron’s face. “And you’re good, amazing.” He whispers.

Aaron finds it hard to believe. He brings Robert impossibly closer towards him and kisses him, open mouthed and wanting. Robert presses Aaron down into he’s against the sheets and moaning out his name.

Aaron turns towards Robert half an hour later. He’s fallen asleep, Robert’s arms tight around him. He should be leaving soon. He knows it.

“Why’d you cut me off? Earlier.”

Robert’s eyes flicker open and he’s warm and soft against Aaron. He doesn’t understand, says as much with his silence.

“I was saying I love you and you didn’t ...”

Robert gulps hard. He looks serious suddenly. “Because you go Aaron.” He says, like he’s wide awake and they’re having a serious conversation.

Aaron feels something kick in his chest.

“I love you.” Aaron whispers. It comes out stifled and so quietly that he’s almost certain Robert doesn’t get to hear it.

It seems ironic that way.

—

Aaron’s bought Jammie Dodgers. He’s arranged them neatly on one of their fancy plates like Sonny is some grand guest. He’s trying to make an effort here, really trying. It starts and ends with biscuits and offering to make Sonny a tea when he comes inside.

“Where’s Nathan?” Sonny asks.

Aaron takes in how fragile he seems; he sits slowly on the sofa and looks around like he doesn’t really want to be here. Aaron doesn’t really want him to be either, especially when Nathan’s running late, and he’s got to fend for himself.

“He’ll be a bit late. Client. Meeting thing.” Aaron sits opposite Sonny and looks at him for a second or so. He soaks in the fact that he’s still very much alive. He’s still breathing, walking, talking. Sonny pulls a face at the jumper Aaron’s wearing, he’s exactly the same.

Only it could have been different. It could have been darkness, and a funeral, and the possibility that someday Nathan could have known that his brother died, and it was because his so-called fiancé was out sleeping with someone else.

Aaron’s nervous as he watches Sonny. He chews at his nails and then clears his throat.

“Do you want one?” Aaron tilts his head towards the plate and Sonny shakes his head. “Right. Yeah. Same. They’re ... I always thought they had cream in them.”

Sonny looks up. “What?”

“Jam— you know. I thought they had like a layer of cream but these ... don’t.”

Sonny nods. “You trying to bore me to death?” Aaron’s face drops. “Relax. I’m allowed to say that. I’m the one who nearly died. Remember.”

Aaron gulps hard. “Why’d you do it?”

Sonny shrugs. “I’m an addict. So it’s what happens.” He stops short. “It wasn’t because of you.”

“I could have stopped you.” Aaron blurts out. “I didn’t know you were going to take _anything_ from here, I would have rugby tackled you to the floor if I had known.”

Sonny’s eyes widen. “Bit extreme.” He says, because he’s a knob. “Nathan said you two were ... it made a _thing_ between you.” He says after a few seconds. “Right?”

“Could say that.” Aaron clears his throat. “We’re fine now that you are.” He says, running a hand over his face. “He was out of his mind. You know.”

Sonny breathes in. “So was Sophie.”

Aaron nods. “Nathan told me she’s ... pregnant.” He says. “She didn’t tell you?”

Sonny looks away. “Didn’t want to bother me. Or anyone really.” Aaron frowns. “She’s not keeping it. She said she’s not keeping it and I just lost it.”

Aaron clears his throat. “So you’re sure about wanting the baby then.”

Sonny shrugs. “It’s ... I’m not fit to look after a baby, neither is she.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. He pulls himself closer towards Sonny, finds himself caring. He tells himself that it isn’t because he’s not guilty that he nearly died.

“Have you told Nathan you’re certain?” Aaron says. Sonny sighs. “You have to tell him; he’d want to help.”

“With what?”

“The baby.” Aaron says. Just then the door opens, and Nathan comes in, he walks towards them and kisses Aaron’s head. Aaron explains to him about Sophie, the fact that she doesn’t want the baby and he’s proud of himself for becoming so invested in Sonny’s life.

“The kid’s not going to end up in a foster home. It’s yours.” Nathan says. “And you say you want ...” Sonny nods. “Well then ...”

Aaron frowns. “He needs to get better before he even thinks of taking care of a baby.” He points out.

“Well then I’ll step in until then.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. Sonny looks up sharply at his brother and then shakes his head.

“Don’t be stupid.”

“Well then mum.” Nathan says. “Mum or me.” He looks at Aaron. “I mean ... we’ll have to discuss it all but ...”

“Yeah. We will.” Aaron’s head spins slightly and it’s difficult to think straight. He stays silent until Sonny’s leaving and Nathan’s asking him what he thinks, head on. “I think ... it’s a baby.” He says. “An actual kid. We — we have to speak to this Sophie before we do anything else.”

“Of course.” Nathan says. “And I’m not doing anything without you being OK with it.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Good.” He says. “Because ... it’s a massive deal.” He thinks about it until his head feels like it’s going to fall off. It’s a baby, it’s Nathan wanting to look after Sonny’s fucking baby for however long.

It’s sort of why he loves him. He’s kind like that, loving, protective.

But it’s a baby.

“I know.” Nathan says. He comes closer and hovers over Aaron’s mouth. “It’s a mess. I’m sorry.”

“Hey. Don’t be sorry.” Aaron kisses him gently.

Nathan tilts his head. “You really want to sign up to all of this?” He looks at his hand and Aaron stares at his ring. He gulps thickly and nods.

He has signed up for this already. He’s not about to let Nathan down. He’s going to be able to separate things in his head.

There’s this world, Nathan and his brother and now his niece or nephew and a wedding, and a new place and normality.

Then there’s his world.

Robert. Just Robert.

It sounds more romantic in his head than he thought it would and he stops himself from getting carried away. He has to bring himself back to reality when Nathan asks him what’s for tea.

—

Aaron’s listening to Jimmy talking about how donuts aren’t filled enough for his liking when he sees Victoria come into the office. She’s talking to Leyla at reception and he just about makes out the throwing of compliments to each other about their hair, nails, shoes at one point.

Aaron thinks Victoria’s probably a really sweet girl. She’s tiny, has this scowl that makes her look exactly like Robert, but at the same time she seems kind enough. He wants to say something to her, appease to her in some of way but whenever he tries to, it’s stifled and wrong. He always steps back, always realises that there’s not a lot that he can feasibly say to her that’ll make any sort of difference to what she thinks of him.

He’s still with her brother. It’s still a secret.

Aaron bows his head as Leyla says that Robert’s in a minute, but she can keep her company for now. His shoulders relax under the way Victoria seems to agree, she sits with Leyla in reception for what feels like ages.

Jimmy’s still boring him about jam donuts, telling him that he’s tried forcing Nicola to make some over the weekend, but she basically told him to piss off. He listens to them, smirks a little and then his eyes catch sight of Victoria. He mentions the fact what she’s holding something in a pink box that he’s sure contains donuts.

“Are you like ... a donut detector now?” Aaron asks. He shakes his head and tells Jimmy to get back to work, mainly because he doesn’t want Victoria coming towards them.

“Aaron. I’m starving and there’s a woman selling donuts so I’m going to _inspect_.”

“No. Jimmy don’t ...”

Jimmy’s a grown man. He has three children. He still waves his hands out like a toddler to catch Victoria’s attention. She comes slowly, unsure, and then stops in front of him.

Aaron’s already spun his chair right around. He’s pretending he’s on the phone when Jimmy bangs on about wanting to buy one. Victoria explains that she’s not selling them, they’re testers for a company up the road that she might go into business with.

“I just wanted to show my brother first.” Victoria smiles and Jimmy’s already lost interest. He wishes her luck but it’s half arsed and Aaron’s thankful that it stops the conversation dead.

What he isn’t thankful about is the fact that Leyla marches over with her arms folded and this bright smile on her face. She’s calling Aaron, and he’s turning slowly and then he’s hearing Leyla say that Victoria here is a chef, how she could supply the food for his _wedding_.

Aaron’s eyes widen and Victoria looks like she wants to kill him. It’s sort of her thing. Aaron shuffles in his chair and starts shaking his head, he suddenly can’t think of anything worse.

“No.” Aaron blurts out. “I ... no. Nathan’s dealing with all of that.”

Victoria rolls her eyes, and he wants to tell her to stop but Leyla’s already cutting in, she’s asking loads more questions than Aaron can even register so he just ends up nodding his head along to things.

He thinks she mentions a stripper, a donation from everyone in the office for his stag, or his wedding cake. She says a lot and he doesn’t listen. He’s just focused on the way Victoria is staring into his skull.

Aaron goes to spin his chair away when Leyla disappears, and Jimmy sulks off to find something to eat in the kitchen. They’re hardly alone but there’s less people to be gawping at them and it makes what he’s about to say easier.

“You know, it’d be easier if we could be ... civil.”

Victoria looks at him like he’s mad. “Well why?” She says. “I don’t owe you anything.”

Aaron’s jaw locks. “Yeah. But Robert ...”

“Dumped you.” Victoria says. She has a slight smile on her face and Aaron tries to hide his confusion. “Yeah. He told me, and our mum and you know what? I’m glad.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “He told you?”

Victoria nods, she takes a step forward. “After the way you just keep tossing him aside. Are you that surprised?” She says. 

Aaron doesn’t say anything. He breathes in tightly and then looks down towards the floor before building up the courage to look her straight in the eyes.

“You don’t know how I feel.” Aaron says. “About anything. Especially not Robert.”

Victoria pouts. “You love him?” She says. “What a shame it was _never_ enough to leave your fiancé.”

Aaron’s face drops and his chest tightens around her words. She’s not wrong, she’s never _wrong_ when they have these little war of words. It always ends in him feeling like he’s about to ruin Robert’s whole world.

“He always deserved better; he’s finally wised up.”

Aaron clears his throat. “Well then you’re more than happy.” Victoria shrugs. “So stop with the looks like you wish I was dead. It’s over right? So just leave it.”

Victoria nods her head slowly, like she’s listened. Aaron watches her take a step back and she looks almost triumphant, like she’s finally got rid of this _harm_ that was hurting her brother.

It’s more than that. Aaron wants to tell her that he’s more than that, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t say any of that. Instead he watches her walking back to the reception and five minutes later she’s squeezing the life out of Robert and he’s gasping at how good her donuts look.

Aaron almost smiles over to them before he turns away again. He sits slowly in his chair and thinks about the fact that he’s not the only one hiding a relationship.

—

Aaron walks into the bathroom and sees Robert standing by the sinks. He’s washing his hands and then looks up through the mirror and spins.

Aaron walks towards him. “Hey, did ...” He’s cut off by how Robert leans forward and kisses him gently. Aaron moans into it for a second and then spins them both until they’re backing into one of the cubicles.

Robert’s hand is halfway down Aaron’s trousers before he remembers why he even came in here to find him. Aaron pulls back sharply and places a hand against Robert’s chest.

“Yes it’s work, and work is a no no but ...”

Aaron covers Robert’s mouth with his hand and shakes his head, tries to come down from the high of being so close to him.

“At least I know I didn’t forget about you dumping me.” Aaron says. Robert gives him this look like he has no clue what he’s on about. “Victoria was here. She gave me a right mouthful as usual.”

Robert raises his eyebrows. “When doesn’t she?” He says.

“Well this time, she was smug. Apparently you ended it between us?” Aaron looks over Robert’s changing expressions. He squints. “Rob?”

Robert’s shoulders tighten and he takes a step out of the cubicle. Aaron follows his every move.

“It was easier.” Robert shrugs. “After what happened with Sonny, you ... focusing on it and practically forgetting I existed.”

“I thought we spoke about this?” Aaron says gently. He comes closer to Robert. “You know I was _punishing_ myself more than you by ...”

“Yeah I know.” Robert nods. “But they just assumed it was over and I didn’t correct them.”

“They?” Aaron asks. “Your mum too I take it.” Robert nods. “I bet she’s glad.” He says. Robert bites his lip, takes a step towards Aaron. Aaron stairs at his purple tie and then up into his eyes.

“It’s just less hassle.” Robert shrugs. He leans his forehead against Aaron’s. “Just me and yeah. Screw what the world thinks.”

Aaron’s eyes almost twinkle and then he’s pulling a face. “You sound like someone Shakespeare wrote about.”

“I’ll take that.”

“Yeah?”

Robert hovers closer. “Yeah.”

—

Nathan’s ordered them red wine and Aaron’s trying to act like he doesn’t just want a beer. It lasts about ten minutes before he’s flagging down a waiter and sipping on a bottle whilst Nathan smells the wine and shakes his by the base of the glass.

“Stop being annoying.” Aaron leans forward, eyes beady as he watches Nathan poke his tongue out at him. “Twat.”

“You love it.” Nathan says before sipping his wine and placing it back down on the table again. “What are you going to order?”

Aaron looks down at the menu, scans quickly before shrugging.

“There’s no chicken fingers on the menu, so it might a struggle.” Nathan says. He’s on fire tonight, Aaron scowls playfully at him and then sighs.

“It’s not just me you know? Liv’s the same.”

“Liv’s basically a teenager.”

“Sonny?” Aaron wriggles his eyebrow. “He’s the fussiest eater I know.” Nathan looks serious suddenly and Aaron leans over and grabs his hand. “How is he?”

Nathan shrugs. “Waiting for the baby to be born. I don’t know what he thinks a baby will do but ...”

“He wants the baby doesn’t he? That hasn’t changed.”

“He needs to go to rehab before any of it.”

Aaron nods.

“I was thinking he could ... stay at ours maybe, after he gets out. We’re moving anyway.” Nathan shrugs. “It could work out.”

Aaron bites his lip. “And the baby, Nathan? Have you spoke to Sophie?”

“Like I said, she’s not ... she’s like Nathan. My mum wants to do all she can, I said we’d help, look after the kid as much as we can.”

Aaron nods.

“Social services and all that.” Nathan buries his head in his hands. “It’s going to be mad.”

“Hey. It’ll work out.” Aaron tells him. “I’m here.” He says.

Nathan looks up slowly and smiles and then his eyes are widening as he sees who’s sitting only a few tables away from them. Aaron turns too and then turns around again.

The next minute he knows, Nathan’s standing up and hugging some _guy_ and Aaron realises that it’s his ex. The one he’s still on good terms with. They’ve had this discussion about how exactly it’s possible to still be friends with your ex. It’s just the Nathan way. Aaron decided that a long time ago.

Aaron watches them talk, catch up and he’s invited into the conversation after a couple of minutes. He’s polite enough with it, he smiles, laughs at one point and then he’s seeing the bloke squeeze at Nathan’s arm.

He sees red, there’s this pang of jealously that won’t budge, and he can’t look past it. He thinks about what a nice guy Nathan’s ex seems. He watches as they talk, laugh, just listen to each other. 

_He’s a better man than you._

Aaron tips his head down and drags the bottle of wine over towards him as they keep talking. Eventually Nathan’s sitting down again, and the guy is gone.

“What’s with that face?” Nathan asks.

Aaron shrugs. “No face.” He says. “Actually. Wine face. It’s grim.” Nathan rolls his eyes. “Seemed like a proper catch up that.”

Nathan gives him this look. “Yeah it was. I haven’t seen him for a while, good to know he’s OK.” Aaron’s eyebrow arches. “What?”

“Nothing.” Aaron leans over the table. “You’re just some sort of angel. It’s really weird.”

“So’s you acting jealous. It don’t suit you.”

“That shirt doesn’t suit you.” Aaron says.

“Now who's a twat?”

Aaron laughs, leans back on his chair and looks down at the menu again. He throws a look towards the bloke, over his shoulder and sees that he’s sitting with two women. His sister and mum, he heard that in whatever catch up they were having. He stares until the waitress is asking him what he’d like to order.

He goes for a steak, thinks suddenly of how Robert would tease him about trying to be as manly as possible. He has a ghost of a smile on his face as he asks the waitress if he can hold onto the menu and he looks at what he thinks Robert would get. He settles on the duck.

He guesses Nathan’s order wrong.

—

It’s a fairly busy day when Leyla decides to come in with her hands waving about the place. She’s got a gold blazer on; it actually sparkles and Aaron’s sure she would have got sparklers if she was allowed. Instead she settles on being this dramatic over the fact that it’s the company’s fancy award thing tonight.

No one ever cares about it. It’s what everyone says and yet almost everyone turns up.

“So everyone can leave an hour earlier today.” Leyla says, like she’s the boss. Jimmy goes to say the exact same thing to her, but she scowls at him like he’s the mad one. “It’s all been taken care of it Jimmy. Don’t you worry. Hey. I hope Nicola has a nice dress lined up.”

Priya makes a point of talking about the fact that it shouldn’t just be about what everyone is wearing if they’re actually celebrating the success of the company. Just like that she manages to dampen the mood and Aaron smiles, looks over at Robert who looks absolutely lost.

“You up for it?” Aaron asks, leaning over the time after Leyla’s twirled back to her desk to actually answer the phone and do her job.

Robert frowns. “I think I’ll pass.” He says. 

Aaron frowns. “What?” He says, shoulders falling. “It’s you’re first one and then it’s always so boring.”

Robert tilts his head. “Is that meant to convince me?”

Aaron smiles, ducks his head. “Sort of. It’s so dull it’s funny.”

Robert gets caught up in how soft and innocent Aaron looks. He’s still leaning over and everything. Robert smiles faintly at him, feels his heart pounding until the phone on his desk is going off and he gets back to work.

Eventually Aaron does the same, he stops staring and actually starts working again until his own phone is ringing and Nathan’s asking him what he wants for tea. Aaron tilts his head to the side, tries to avoid eye contact with Robert as he listens.

“Well it’s that weird do thing tonight. You know ... the awards.” Aaron says. “For work.” He clarifies when Nathan says he has no idea what he’s on about. “So I’ll probably be back late.”

“I’ll come along. What time is ...”

Aaron scowls, sits up straighter like the behaviour is absolutely insane of his fiancé. “What? No. Don’t be silly. You don’t have to ...”

“What if you win?”

Aaron scoffs. “Well that’s really not going to happen is it? Look, it’s from like six. You’ll have just finished work.”

“So I can meet you there.” Nathan says. “Come on, you haven’t shown me off to all your mates since we got engaged.”

Aaron turns on his chair and then gulps hard before nodding. “Yeah. OK. I’ll ... text you the address.” He tells him before hanging up.

Robert knows as soon as he looks at him. Aaron bites his lip, goes to apologise but Robert just waves a hand up before getting up and walking to the kitchen.

—

Jimmy’s right in his face talking about what exactly croquet's are, and Aaron has nowhere else he can look. He’s waiting for Nathan to come and pull him out of his misery but he’s running late.

Aaron shrugs his shoulders at Jimmy and then looks around the place and up at the fancy chandelier. He’s never been to one of these celebration nights, but the business pushes them out like they’re going out of fashion. They are. They’ve been out of fashion since maybe even before the Mad Men era of companies.

Lawrence was probably thirty back then though, so he seems to enjoy the glitz and glamour of hiring out a hotel suite and dishing out awards to employees. It’s why Aaron’s leaning against the wall, staring at his finger nails and waiting for it all to start up.

When he looks up next, he sees Nathan and rushes over towards him. He kisses him gently on the lips and then sees he’s made an effort by wearing a tight-fitting suit.

“Someone looks good.”

Nathan wriggles an eyebrow playfully and hugs at Aaron’s waist. “Just being a good fiancé.” He shrugs. “What can I say.”

“You can say we can we leave. This is beyond boring and it ain’t even started yet.”

Aaron doesn’t listen to whatever Nathan has to say next because his eyes land on Robert as he walks into the room. He’s got a burgundy suit on; his hair is all styled and his tie hangs as he turns towards Jimmy and his wife.

“Aaron?”

Aaron shakes himself. “Sorry. Yeah. What were you ...”

“I was _saying_ , you could get an award. You’re always working.” Nathan says. He leans up and cups the back of Aaron’s head lovingly. Aaron closes his eyes for a second and smiles.

The moment’s cut short when Leyla comes over in her six-inch heels and long black dress. She passes them both glasses of champagne and Aaron instantly knows what she’s going to go on about before she even opens her mouth.

“Nathan. Leyla. Leyla. Nathan. She planned her sister’s _hen_ _do_ ; she’s probably got a whole Pinterest board for ours.”

Nathan’s face stays the same. “We’re not having a hen do.”

“Funny. Very funny.” Aaron says.

Leyla laughs, dramatic as ever. “He’s definitely a keeper.”

And just like that, Nathan smiles and Aaron rolls his eyes because she’s got him on side now and he’s nice enough to agree to anything she puts forward. Aaron manages to steer them away from her after promising her they’ll chat a bit later.

They end up taking their seats for whatever part of the awkward award ceremony is about to take place and Aaron watches as Robert sits a few rows in front of him. He stares at the back of his neck like it’s the 16th chapel or something.

At some point, Robert turns his head, and they look at each other. Aaron gives him this small smile and Robert nods his head. It makes Aaron duck his head down and then turn towards how Nathan is listening so intently to whatever Lawrence is going on about.

Eventually, he mentions the branch he’s stationed in and Aaron watches Jimmy’s wife sit up straighter life she expects her husband to be walking away with an award. Aaron almost laughs at her, but she gives this look that tells him to not even think about it.

“This person has become a valid member of our team. They have gone above and beyond what has been expected of them, and I for one, am grateful for their intelligence and determination to help our company succeed. The award goes to, Robert Sugden.”

Aaron’s eyes widen and everyone looks towards Robert who stands awkwardly and goes to collect the award. Aaron can’t stop smiling. Leyla thankfully stands before he thinks to so it’s not weird when he gets up and starts clapping his hands together. Jimmy gets Nicola up and they start clapping too eventually. By the time Robert’s off the stage, award in hand, Aaron’s face hurts from smiling and Nathan is already sitting down. Almost everyone is, Aaron sits slowly and clears his throat. He looks towards the way Robert is childishly holding the award like it’s some sort of sports day trophy.

Aaron’s heart pounds in his chest and as soon as the ceremony is over with, he makes a beeline to congratulate Robert whilst Nathan’s talking to Finn. He’s halfway towards him when he watches Chrissie approaching him. She has a hand on his shoulder, and he spins, nods at her.

Aaron’s jaw clenches around the length of her gold dress. She looks stunning, expensive, like she’s just stepped off a jet. He’s pretty certain she’s everything that Robert would look for if he didn’t have Aaron. Sometimes.

Aaron dips his head and turns back towards Nathan slowly.

“I suppose I should be congratulating you.” Chrissie says. She looks down at the small glass award Robert is holding in his right hand. She raises an eyebrow. “Impressive.”

Robert huffs. “Thank you. I ... didn’t expect it.” He says.

“You are quite unpredictable.” Chrissie says, she’s seductive with it and Robert feels this need to apologise for how he treated her. He hardly committed to her but still, it could have been something in her head. He goes to and she stops him. “I’ve been away, on business. Monaco.”

Robert raises an eyebrow. “Wow. Nice.” He says. “Your dad’s business or ...”

Chrissie shakes her head. “No I have salons. Remember?” Robert remembers fuck all, but he nods. “But no, I was looking towards extending. Branching out, becoming international”

Robert nods again. “Ambitious.”

“Very.” Chrissie’s eyes sparkle and she steps forward. “I hear you are too.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “I suppose so.”

Chrissie sips her champagne slowly and Robert stands there waiting in suspense. “See I’m not exactly trying to poach you or anything. But I’d be interested in having you come onboard.” Robert eyes widen. “Me and my business partner are very much keen on ... having the best people for the job.”

Robert frowns at her, surprised. “I don’t know the first thing about salons.”

“Neither does Thomas, my partner.” Chrissie shrugs. “It’s not that I care about, it’s being able to manage people. Actually manage a team.”

Robert nods. “I’m good at that.” He says. He waves the award out and Chrissie smiles. “But I don’t know if ...”

“It’d be a move in the right direction. I can promise you that.” Chrissie says. “London is where everything happens.”

Robert feels like he’s in some sort of fifties soap by the way she goes on. He almost laughs until he realises that she means the job is in London.

“That’s ...”

“A big deal. I don’t mean to pry but ... it’s not like you’ve got a wife and kids to think about. You’re young.”

Robert wants to say he’s younger than _her_ because he is, but it’s not the time. He keeps the thought stored away in his head.

“You’re young, and your smart. It’s a big opportunity.”

Robert looks up slowly and sees Aaron feeding Nathan something from the buffet. Priya’s watching, pulling this face like she thinks they’re adorable before she’s back to talking to a client. Robert’s jaw locks.

“I’ll leave you to think about it.” Chrissie says, and then she turns and looks towards the man on the phone near the window. “That’s Thomas. I can introduce you if you’d like.”

Aaron elbows Nathan playfully as Nathan tries offering him some wine.

Robert nods and follows behind Chrissie.

—

Robert’s staring out the window, looking out towards the car park when Aaron slips in behind him. His hand grazes past his and Robert spins to stare at him. His eyes are warm but Aaron senses something.

“Hello Mr Award Winner.”

Robert smiles. He looks at how Priya is looking after his award for safe keeping. She’s giving it this longing look and Robert holds in a laugh.

“You didn’t have anything to do with it then?” It’s sort of been at the back of his mind. He’s sort of not tried to think about it.

Aaron frowns. “What with my many _connections_.”

Robert shrugs. “I don’t know. You could have put a word in.”

“Well I didn’t.” Aaron tells him. “That was all you.” He gazes up and Robert drags himself out of how intimate they both look just staring at each other.

Robert huffs. “I’m a proper legend then.”

“I’m proud of you.” Aaron blurts out. He sticks a hand in his pocket and Robert smiles at how serious and sincere Aaron looks. It warms something right through him until he looks over at Nathan quickly and clears his throat.

Aaron notices. He goes to say something and then doesn’t, like he’s been thrown. It’s weird to think of Aaron as anything but an arse when he’s like this, looking at Robert like he doesn’t know anyone else is in the room and then bringing his fiancé along.

Robert clears his throat. “I parked my car down the road.” He says. “If you tell me when you’re getting ready to leave then ... then I’ll wait a bit. So he doesn’t see.”

Aaron looks guilty suddenly, sad. Robert breathes in, sort of wants to shake him but instead he goes to walk off. Aaron holds at his arm and Robert looks around the room. There’s enough people to make them disappear slightly. Aaron drags at Robert’s hand until they’re in the cloak room.

Robert feels himself being pushed back through dark heavy velvet curtains. There’s soft soft soft and then a thump of a wall that makes him lean forward. Aaron kisses him, hands gentle over his face as his thumbs stroke.

Aaron pulls away. “I like your suit.”

“You could have said that out there.” Robert tilts his head as he speaks and then Aaron’s rolling his eyes. He waits, there’s a beat and then Aaron’s hands are smoothing over the back of Robert’s neck.

He looks so in love with him.

After a few seconds of this, just kissing and holding, Aaron takes a step back and disappears outside again. Robert waits a couple of minutes. He tilts his head back against the wall and gulps hard as he thinks about how Aaron smiled at him when he won. He looked proud. He looked so happy.

Robert stands there thinking until he reaches out a sees Aaron’s coat right next to Nathan’s. He reaches out and feels the fabric of Nathan’s long brown coat, it has this tartan lining that he wasn’t expecting.

Robert slips out after another minute of staring.

—

Chrissie leaves, she tells him to call her if he has any questions and he has to remind himself that he has her number. Robert watches Aaron watching him and then he sees him trying to edge away from the way Leyla is talking to them. Robert sees her standing with someone, Liam.

“Look at her.” Bernice is suddenly standing right next to him. She’s sipping on a cocktail, it’s red, and orange and when she puts it in the light he’s sure it’s neon green as well. He stares at it until she starts speaking again. “Filling Aaron’s head was rubbish.”

Robert frowns. “What do you mean?”

“She did _one_ hen do. Her sister’s.”

Robert’s face drops and he suddenly decides that he doesn’t need to hear about this. He tries to leave but she practically drags him closer towards her.

“And look at him.” Bernice slurs. “Mr doctor. Do you know I never had an inspection on his table?”

“Is that an innuendo or?” Robert’s half listening. He sees Leyla’s hands waving and Nathan’s laughing. Aaron looks between them, then down at the floor.

“You know what though? I’m glad.”

Robert frowns. “You definitely don’t sound it.”

Bernice nods eagerly. “No. I am. I’m glad that I know ...”

“Where you stand.” Robert says gently. “I get it.” He slips out.

“You do?”

Robert shrugs his shoulders loosely. “I had an affair with someone, years ago. When it was over, it was good, to know where I stood.”

“With her or ... not.” Bernice says. Robert shakes his head. “Oh. Well. Like you said you know where you stand now.”

Robert gulps. “Yeah.” He says.

Bernice sips at her cocktail. “I’m glad because I’m not wasting my life away waiting on some miracle that he wants _me_ and not ... her.”

Robert watches Aaron give him this nod, telling him that him and Nathan are leaving. He mouthed something through the crowd that Robert can’t quite make out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is about to explode in the next few chapters. It’s very dramatic from here on in so buckle up!


	32. A warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is stunned by Vic’s actions after she makes a discovery.

Aaron leans against the wall and hugs his mug closer towards his chest as Priya talks his ears off about how she’s going to do all she can to get Lawrence’s approval.

He’s hardly listening to her. He’s too busy looking at Robert like he’s some love sick teenager. It’s been a few days since the award ceremony, and he’s felt this distance between them that he’s trying to ignore. Aaron pulls away from the wall and then watches Leyla walking to Robert’s desk with some bloke behind her.

Robert gets up, shakes the man’s hand and then they disappear into one of the meeting rooms. Aaron’s eyes travel until Priya is waving a hand in front of him and shaking her head.

“What do you want me to say?” Aaron says.

“I asked you for advice on getting in with Lawrence.”

Aaron pulls a face. “Ask Bernice. He loves her.” He goes to leave the kitchen, but she sighs hard and he rolls his eyes at her. “Priya, you’re good at your job.” He says. “Don’t worry.” Only she looks worried and irritated at the same time. “Besides you’ve only been here five minutes.”

“Yeah and Robert’s been here five minutes more.” Priya crosses her arms. “Aren’t you a bit annoyed?” She tilts her head at him.

Aaron scowls. “Why would I be?”

Priya frowns, looks at him like he’s lying. “You don’t think you deserved it more?”

Aaron gives her this look. “What? No. Robert deserved it. He’s worked hard.”

Priya looks confused.

“You don’t have to tear him down ‘cause you wanted to get in there instead.” Aaron overacts and then he’s trying to back up and not seem so overly invested. It doesn’t really work.

Priya ends up leaving and he stays where he is, pretends like sipping his tea is the only thing he’s got going on today. He hears his engagement ring clink against the ceramic. He peers down and then gulps a mouthful down before throwing the rest in the sink.

A couple of hours later, he watches as Robert leaves the floor and heads into the lifts. Aaron manages to slip in, push Robert against the wall and kiss him gently before pulling at his tie and hitting as many buttons as he can.

They’re going to be in here for a while. Aaron’s not even going to pretend like he minds. It’s Robert who eventually pulls away, he holds his satchel across his middle and smiles as his nose bumps against Aaron’s.

“We have to stop meeting like this.” Robert says slowly, he runs a hand over Aaron’s hair and then sighs.

“I thought you were pissed at me.”

“So you push me into a lift and kiss me?” Robert huffs. “Very smooth.” Aaron looks worried and Robert smiles. “I’m not pissed, I’m just ...”

“Award winning.” Aaron smiles back. “We know.” He looks around the lift like he’s on the office floor. “Everyone in the office does.” Robert nods his head down and Aaron kisses his forehead. “What is it?”

Robert rolls his eyes and then looks more serious. “Seeing Nathan just ... it was weird.” He says. He remembers how Andy used to make him feel whenever he’d walk into a room with Katie beside him. It felt like that, only he didn’t smirk when he saw Aaron and Nathan and think about the part of Aaron he knows that Nathan doesn’t have a clue about.

_It doesn’t feel like that._

Aaron gulps hard. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have come.”

Robert bites his lip. “Who else would have clapped for me like their life depended on it.”

Aaron ducks his head down, looks bashful. “Just showing support.”

Robert leans back. “It was sweet.” He whispers.

Aaron’s blushing and then dipping his head down again. “I’m sorry, about Nathan.” He thinks about his whole staying separate plan and then closes his eyes.

Robert nods, watches as Aaron opens his eyes again and kisses him. He gazes up and then down.

A minute passes until Aaron’s speaking again. “Who was that bloke at your desk today?” He says. Robert looks confused. “The bloke. Funny tie. Gelled hair. Leyla bought him over to you.”

Robert gulps thickly and his eyes dart. “Oh. Him. A client.”

“Yours?”

“Maybe.” Robert shrugs. “He just wanted to run some things past me. That’s all.”

Aaron nods his head slowly, squints slightly.

“Don’t worry. He has way too much gel in his hair and it’s a proper turn off for ...”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he pinches Robert’s side as the doors open. He watches as Robert steps out on the ground floor and he squeezing his hand tightly before letting him go.

—

Robert’s hands are tight around Aaron’s shirt as he kisses him and twists his face from left to right to just get more of him. Aaron moans into another kiss and then feels himself being dragged into Robert’s flat. They leave the door ajar in their haste, Aaron goes to shut it but then Robert’s pulling his shirt off and it’s difficult to concentrate.

They’ve hardly seen each other all week. Aaron’s felt all this _need_ rush through him and the next thing he knew Robert was kissing the life out of him in the office toilets and telling him to come back to his.

Aaron feels Robert‘s mouth hot and wet by his neck and then he’s being pushed onto the bed. He closes his eyes, lets Robert’s hands fall all over him until he squeezes at Robert’s arm and pants.

Aaron drags Robert down and switches their positions. “Let me ...” He mumbles, it gets cut off by the sound Robert makes.

Aaron bites his lip. He closes his eyes and then he’s leaning down and tugging at Robert’s belt. A smile creeps across his face. “God you’re ...”

“Rob?”

Aaron snaps up when he hears the voice and then someone by the door. His eyes are wide as he realises who it is and feels Robert struggle to get up.

“Rob, your door is ...”

Aaron gets up off of Robert as he sees Victoria stand by the door. He remembers Sarah seeing him half naked, wonders if Andy will be next before realising that it’s not a joke. For a second he forgets that she doesn’t know that they’re back on, but then her face says it all.

“Oh my ...” Vic’s eyes are almost popping out of her head and Robert sits up straighter, buttons his shirt up in absolute silence. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Aaron has absolutely no idea where to look. He concentrates on the ceiling because it seems easier than trying to work out what to say to her.

“What — what are you doing here?” Robert asks his sister. He clears his throat, runs a hand over his face.

Vic frowns at him. “You asked me to come over?”

Robert thinks of how impromptu dragging Aaron back with him was and then about the dinner he’d promised to make Vic to see if he’s a better cook than her. It was a light-hearted thing. This really isn’t. 

“I forgot. Obviously I ...”

Vic’s shaking her head. “Obviously.” She spits. “You were obviously _busy_ with someone else. Not just someone else. Him.”

Robert looks up at her. Aaron slides off of him and sits awkwardly next to him. His hand brushes past Robert’s and he squeezes it for a second. 

“I ...”

“Tell me this is a one off.”

Robert sighs. “I can’t. I’m not going to lie.”

Vic tilts her head. “Again.” She says. “Because you said it was over. He’s really rubbing off on you then isn’t he?”

Aaron trips on his words. “Victoria. I ...”

Vic waves a hand out in front of her. “Save _whatever_ you’ve got to say.” She says.

Robert frowns. “Don’t speak to him like that.” He tells her. “We don’t have to be like this. I didn’t tell you because...”

“Did he tell you not to?”

Aaron scowls. “What? No. Of course I didn’t. What do you think this is?”

“My brother. Lying to me because of you.” 

Robert shakes his head. “This isn’t on him.”

Vic’s eyes widen. “Are you out of your mind? What happened to ending it?”

Robert shrugs. “I couldn’t. OK?”

“No. It’s not OK.”

“It’s my life Vic. You’re starting to sound ...”

Vic leans back. She stays silent for a second and then sighs. “You should have just ended it. Why couldn’t you just ...”

Aaron sighs hard. “Look I get that you’re angry, but you shouldn’t take it out on him.”

Vic stares back at Aaron and nods her head slowly. “No. You’re right.” She says, like it means something more than she’s letting on.

“Vic.”

“Save it Rob.”

Aaron watches as she thunders out of the place. He takes a step forward and runs a hand over his face, unsure of what to say.

Robert gets in their first; he shuts his eyes and sighs. “I should have told her.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Just let her cool off.” He says, crossing his arms over and then unfolding them again.

Robert nods back at him.

—

Aaron comes home to see Nathan standing in the kitchen. He’s peering over the stove and pulling a face and Aaron just stares at him for a few seconds before saying hello. He’s not going to admit that he isn’t in shock about seeing Victoria standing there giving him evils. It was more than that, it was her anger, disgust, _hurt_ that her brother was doing all of this again.

Nathan says he looks like he’s seen a ghost. Aaron doesn’t know what he’s meant to say so he doesn’t say anything. He just stands, almost in a daze. For a second he imagines Vic doing something daft. Nathan puts a hand on his shoulder, smiles and Aaron shakes his head. He says he’s fine, he’s not.

Then he takes a step back and thinks about whether he still smells like Robert. If there’s a hair on his jacket, blond and so not Nathan’s that he’d think something of it. Aaron quickly thinks of an excuse. He’s got so good at doing that. It’s exhausting.

Everything stops when Nathan walks into the living room, complaining about work, and how Sonny is doing. He mentions Sophie having cramps. Aaron nods along. He nods and then freezes when he hears Nathan grow silent.

He just isn’t saying anything. Then he’s picking something up from by the door and staring down at it. It’s a piece of paper.

Aaron gulps thickly. “You OK?” He says nervously. It’s like he just knows something is wrong.

And it is, it is because Nathan turns the paper over, and he sees what it says in all its glory. Apparently Nathan needs to reign his cheating fiancé in.

—

Nathan just stares at Aaron like he doesn’t know what to do. “Are you going to say anything?”

Aaron laughs nervously. “What do you want me to say?”

All Aaron can think of is Victoria. It sort of burns through his skull. He remembers telling her not to take it all out on Robert. She’s made sure to take it out on him and do her worse with it. 

“That’s your answer to this coming through our door?” Nathan holds up the note, tilts his head at Aaron.

“It’s a joke.” Aaron blurts out. His cheeks are bright red. “Obviously.”

Nathan scoffs. “Obviously?”

Aaron’s head dips and he thinks about how awful it would be if Nathan found out like this. “Nathan ....”

“Who would send _that_?”

Aaron shrugs and then suddenly Nathan’s phone is ringing. Nathan stares down and then shoves it back in his pocket. It keeps ringing, makes Aaron’s eyes dart.

“Are you just going to stand there?” Nathan asks. He looks at the paper again. “Am I meant to take this as a ...”

Nathan’s phone keeps ringing and Aaron nods at him to answer it. Nathan’s eyes widen and he picks it up, speaks quietly like he’s trying to calm himself down. He stops and Aaron can hear Sonny on the other end.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be there — yeah of course. I’m coming. I’m coming now.” Nathan takes the phone from his ear and sighs hard before grabbing his coat. “Sophie’s having the baby. She’s — we need to get the hospital.” He says.

Aaron’s eyes widen. He nods his head a couple of times before he’s getting his coat from the rack and watching as Nathan chucks the piece of paper on the floor. It makes him blow out a breath and then clasp his hands on the back of his neck. He only has a second to think before Nathan’s running out the door.

—

Aaron leans against the wall of the hospital like a spare part. Nathan is trying to calm Sonny down but he’s a mess, he just keeps freaking out over the fact that he’s going to be a dad. Or Sophie’s this wreck who doesn’t even want the kid. Or both. Aaron’s stepped out of the bubble he’s in and keeps looking at the floor, bouncing his knee over and over again.

_Rein your cheating fiancé in._

Aaron gulps hard. He thinks of what he would have saved if Sonny hadn’t called when he did. Suddenly, so _suddenly_ he thinks of having to tell him like that. He thinks of how tired he feels and the ache in his shoulders and the way it would have been a relief to some extent.

It would have been a relief. For a second. Then it would have been Nathan finding out in this way and Aaron being the worst person in the world. It would be everything that Aaron doesn’t ever want it to be.

_Rein your cheating fiancé in._

Aaron balls his hands into a fist as he thinks about how hurt Nathan would have been if he found out there like that. He thinks of Victoria taking that away until he’s dizzy.

“Just go and see how they are.” Nathan says. It’s the next thing Aaron hears. He rips his head up and Nathan’s standing opposite him, staring.

“Anything I can do.” Aaron says. He steps away from the wall. “Is she OK?”

Nathan sighs. “She’s had the baby.”

Aaron thinks about how long he’s been stood where he is. He feels suddenly guilty. He steps forward and squeezes Nathan’s arm, asks if they’re doing well.

“Yeah. Yeah. It’s a girl.” Nathan smiles tiredly. Aaron smiles back, it’s like he’s not even able to figure out how to feel about it. He’s happy. He’s happy for Sonny.

“Amazing.” Aaron says.

“He’s all over the place.”

Aaron frowns. “It’ll be OK.” He says, he sounds useless so he throws himself forward and squeezes around Nathan as hard as he can. He kisses his cheek and then pulls away again. “Congrats then uncle.”

Nathan smiles. It doesn’t really meet his eyes. Aaron’s left wondering if he’s still thinking about that piece of paper. Then he thinks about what else she’s left for him to see. He wonders if she’s somehow managed to convince Robert to join in on her little crusade.

“Is there anything I can do?” Aaron says. “Get some bits and pieces for the baby?”

Nathan pulls a face. “I’ve got no clue. Umm ... maybe? Yeah. I suppose.”

“I can call my mum and ask.”

“Mum.” Nathan says suddenly. “Shit yeah. I need to ring her ... and dad. Umm I should do that — but I need to check on ..."

Aaron squeezes Nathan’s shoulder. “Hey. Just ring your mum. She’ll make it easier. I promise.” He kisses at Nathan’s cheek. “I’ll go and get some bits.” He says.

Nathan’s shoulders relax slightly, and he breathes out. “Thank you.”

Aaron smiles. “Don’t be silly.” He whispers before walking out the way they came in.

—

Aaron stares at nappies for what feels like hours. He just stares, tilts his head up and then pulls a few packets into his basket until he’s looking at some blanket and chucking it in too.

He gets back into his car just as the sun sets and supposes that he should be going straight back to the hospital. Then the thinks about the fact that he wouldn’t really be missed, that Nathan and Sonny are going to have enough on their plates. 

Aaron leans back against the headrest until all he can think about is one thing.

_Rein your cheating fiancé in._

Before he knows it, like properly _registers_ it, he’s driving towards Victoria’s and being met by her giving him this _look_ like she knows exactly why he’s turned up.

“Are you out of your mind?” Aaron tells her. He’s not sure what he actually planned to say to her, but he can’t hold anything in right now. “Seriously? What are you playing at?

Sarah comes through to see him and Aaron instantly leans away from Victoria. “What’s all this about? Aaron? What are you even ...”

Vic completely cuts off her mum, keeps her eyes set on Aaron. “Someone had to stop you from ruining his life.”

“Ruining his –” Aaron shudders. “Well it didn’t work. All you’ve done is make yourself look like some crazy psycho.”

“Better than a crazy cheater.”

Sarah steps in, frowns as she looks between them. “What have you done?”

Aaron stares at Robert, blind with this range and feeling like he’s going to be _sick_ just resting at the pit of his stomach. “She sent a note through our door. Rein your cheating fiancé in. Right?”

Sarah frowns in surprise and looks at her daughter. “She doesn’t know where you live. For one. And two, why would she do that?”

Aaron shakes his head, bites. “Because she knows me and Robert never stopped.”

He suddenly realises what he’s said and just stares at Sarah’s reaction. She looks shocked, eyes wide and then beady.

“He said you’d ...”

“To make it easier.” Aaron instantly tries to soften. “But obviously it didn’t work.” He looks at Victoria. “Because you couldn’t help yourself. You just had to try and ruin ...”

“Ruin what? You’re chance to have your cake and eat it too. Someone has to stop you.”

“So you _did_ do it?”

Victoria huffs, shifts on her feet slightly. “I followed you when you left Robert’s.”

Aaron’s eyes grow even wider. “You’re insane.”

“I’m looking out for my brother. You’re looking out for number one. So don’t ever try and come here and take the moral ...”

“You were with him today?” Sarah says. It’s almost like she’s three steps behind. Aaron turns to her slowly and nods. “Why can’t you just leave it well alone?” She says, shaking her head and then she’s walking back towards the kitchen.

Aaron hears her pouring a glass of wine and almost wishes they could swap places. He’s met with Victoria just scowling at him as he looks down at her and her tiny self.

“I’m telling you this once more OK.” Aaron says, he stares at her head on. “You need to back off.”

“Do I?”

“Yeah.” Aaron says. “For Robert’s sake.” Victoria’s eyes flicker like she’s confused. “Because if this comes out, like _that_ , it won’t end well.”

Victoria looks like she’s taking it in before she’s shaking her head. “You’re full of it.” She says. “You’re using this to what? Threaten me?”

Aaron closes his eyes in frustration. “Are you serious?”

“Are you?” Victoria says. “You’re trying to make me feel bad about trying to get my brother out of whatever mess he’s got himself in.”

“No. I’m not.” Aaron all but barks and then he turns when he sees the front door turning open. Robert’s standing there, leather jacket on and this frown on his face when he sees Aaron standing there.

“Robert.” Aaron says breathlessly. “I ...”

“I could hear you from my car.” Robert looks between his sister and Aaron. “What are you doing here?”

“I was just ...”

“Telling me how terrible it would all be if it came out.”

“If what ... what’s happened?” Robert asks. Vic doesn’t say anything, and he waits, keeps waiting until his mum reappears with a bottle of wine and this sad look on her face directed straight to him. “What’s wrong?”

“You two.” Sarah says sadly. “Again? Well not again, you never were off were you?”

Robert stares at Vic, his jaw locking. “You told her?”

“Well not exactly. No. No I ...”

“Sent a note to Nathan.”

“What?” Robert says. His heat keeps thudding in his chest, and he doesn’t know what to do about it. The repercussions of what she’s just said are suddenly endless.

“She followed me home and sent a letter through the door.”

Robert’s eyes widen under the fact that it all could have come out mere hours ago. It could have been over. It could have been _over_. He doesn’t think of anything else until Aaron’s shouting and he stares up at him.

“OK. Don’t shout at her Aaron.”

Aaron scowls. “She could have ...”

Vic huffs. “If I wanted to tell him myself I would have, but I thought it’d be better coming from Robert.”

Aaron scoffs. He looks unnerved. “You’re ...”

“No. OK. You need to leave.” Sarah comes forward and Aaron’s shoulders sag. He suddenly hates how she looks at him. “I mean it. This isn’t good for anyone, so just go.”

Aaron looks up at Robert like he’s waiting for him to say something. Robert doesn’t, he just nods his head and watches Aaron push the door open again and leave. He still doesn’t say anything, he just keeps his head down and then his mum is asking him what he’s playing at.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d be like this.”

“Concerned?”

Robert huffs. “I’m not a teenager mum, I’m not being taken advantage of or in over my head. I’m an adult.”

“I’ve never said you weren’t.” Sarah is indignant about it. “That doesn’t mean I’m supposed to turn a blind eye when ...”

“When your daughter follows him home to send sneaky little notes? What were you thinking?”

Vic’s eyes are wide. “I was thinking about you.”

“No. You were thinking about yourself, because it was a shock when you saw him at mine.”

Vic runs a hand over her hair. “It was a shock because I don’t get how you can put up with this. I _was_ thinking about you.”

“By making Nathan suspicious?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Robert thinks about it for a second. It wasn’t his plan but the thought of Nathan just finding out like that doesn’t make him feel any more guilty. It could have made things easier, made Aaron finally own up.

Sarah elbows in, literally comes in between them both and sighs. “OK. Enough now. Look ... Vic you shouldn’t have done what you did but ...”

“I didn’t want him to find out like that.” Robert suddenly decides. Vic rolls her eyes. “No. Because all it would do is make Aaron feel sorry for him, pander to him, come up with some sort of ...”

“Well he obviously did.” Vic says. Her face is red, she shakes her head slightly and looks so frustrated as Robert stares at her. “He came up with another excuse, just like when Nathan’s brother was hurt, and he was with you.”

“Vic. Enough love.”

“Just like you had to be pushed out of that hotel room.” Vic bangs on.

Robert stares, just _stares_ at her as she keeps going. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He says, because he suddenly feels like there wasn’t any real point of him telling his sister everything. It’s just being twisted and used against him and what he wants.

“Neither do you because he’s never going to _choose_ you Robert. Don’t you _get_ that?”

Robert feels his eyes turn glassy and he staggers back slightly at how blunt it is. He thinks of the months and months he’s spent trying to tell her and his mum about how he feels, how deep-rooted it all is for him. It took everything in him to be so open and now he’s left like this, on the other side of whatever little hope they have in him and Aaron.

Sarah comes towards him. She’s gentle, caring, has this softness about her but he doesn’t want it because it doesn’t make an ounce of difference.

“I have to ...” Robert looks down. “Look I appreciate how you’ve been here for me since I told you but ... I need you to just ...”

Vic shudders. “Robert ...”

Robert doesn’t say anything else. He takes a step back and then walks towards the door, opens it slowly before walking out into the darkness.

—

Aaron’s bought a pink balloon, it says _congrats_ , it says _it’s a girl_. He punches it as it waves around and won’t get through the hospital doors normally. Aaron’s left-hand stings from the way he’s had to hold the bags he’s carrying. He heaves them as far as he can before he’s looking at Nathan watching Sonny and Sophie through the window.

Aaron approaches slowly and smiles at how Sonny is holding the baby in his arms like she’s going to break. It feels weird to see him so calm, so together about something.

“Penny.” Nathan whispers. He turns towards Aaron and he looks so quietly relieved. “That’s what they’re calling her.”

Aaron smiles. “Cute.” He says. He squeezes Nathan’s side. “Think she’ll like the balloon?”

Nathan’s shoulders relax. “You didn’t have to get all that.”

Aaron blushes. “I thought it’d be nice.”

Nathan leans towards Aaron. “It is. Yeah. Sorry. Of course it is. I’m just ... overwhelmed.”

Aaron watches Sonny again. “She still doesn’t want to keep her?”

Nathan shrugs. “I don’t think so.”

Aaron doesn’t know what to say. He just stares, watches until Nathan is giving him this look like if he doesn’t say what he wants to say he’ll burst.

Aaron doesn’t wait. He’s had time to sit and think and hate himself for how he was with Victoria and how Nathan can’t find out like that. “About that piece of paper.” Nathan nods, eyes widening. “It was about work. I ... tried to rig who’d win that award thing.”

Nathan frowns. “What?”

Aaron gulps hard. He’s thought through this lie about a million times now. “The awards, for work. I thought I deserved it but ... well I didn’t win did I?”

“You weren’t bothered then. You were clapping the bloke like mad.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Yeah. So I didn’t look suspicious.”

Nathan’s head is all over the place, so he doesn’t seem to really care that he doesn’t understand. He just nods his head and gulps thickly. “I know what you know I thought it was about.” He says. Then he turns towards Aaron. “I’m always going to think that. Instinct or whatever but ... I know you could never do that to me.”

Aaron’s shoulders tighten and he finds it difficult to breathe. He concentrates. One. Two. Three. He thinks suddenly of Nathan finding out that way. It would have made everything so much worse than Aaron wants it to be.

Something shifts inside him. He can’t budge how his first real thought wasn’t _no_ but _not like this_. 

“It’s not in you.” Nathan says. Aaron thinks about how it sort of isn’t. It’s everything he hates in someone and yet he’s doing this, he’s doing more than falling into bed with someone. There’s Robert. There’s always Robert and he’s just _always_ in love with him. He doesn’t know how to stop it.

Aaron nods slowly and then turns as Sonny comes to the door with Penny. He asks if Nathan wants to hold her whilst he takes a piss.

Aaron watches, standing there uselessly as Nathan jumps at the chance and he’s left standing at Sonny. He congratulates him and passes Sonny over the stuff he chucked into his basket hours earlier.

Sonny thanks him, it comes out weird, strained and Aaron pretends like he doesn’t really notice it.

“Heard you’ve got a new postman.” Sonny says, because he can’t help himself. Obviously. 

Aaron’s jaw tightens. He can’t quite believe how much time Sonny still thinks he’s got on his hands. His life is an even bigger mess than Aaron’s is right now and that’s saying something. “It’s nothing.”

“Sounded pretty clear cut if you ask me.”

”Wasn’t.”

Sonny smirks. “Not a warning then?” Sonny asks. He looks in to the room and looks at his brother and then back at Aaron. “You sure?”

“For what? I haven’t done anything wrong.” Aaron says. He sticks his chest out; acts like he can’t get any more confident with it.

Sonny pulls this face, steps closer. “Weird how you haven’t thought the note was for you though. Isn’t it?” He’s an idiot, dumb as a box of rocks half the time but now he sort of has this look in his eyes that won’t budge.

Aaron gulps, looks down quickly before laughing. “You’d think your Columbo act would retire now you’ve got a kid and all that. You know, bigger responsibilities.”

Sonny shrugs, cocky as ever. “Oh it has. Just can’t help but find it funny that you’ve got someone else on your back. When I mean someone else on your back, I don’t mean in the kinky sort of —”

“Funny?” Aaron scowls. He thinks about how Nathan probably told his brother his worries, tried to get some advice and he got this smug twat instead. “You’re such a twat.”

Sonny shrugs again. “Interesting then.”

Aaron steps forward. “Don’t you have anything else to be doing right now?”

Sonny gulps. “Oh yeah. I need a piss. Thanks for the reminder mate.” He says.

Aaron watches him leave and then leans back against the wall of the hospital. He shuts his eyes tightly and then breathes out a sigh he’s been keeping in all day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo I’m pretty sure it’s going to be more than 40 chapters now. So. I don’t know if that’s good news for readers or not but yeah, as soon as I know exactly I’ll post it on here. 
> 
> From here on in, VERY big chapters are coming. 
> 
> The next chapter is where it ALL kicks off and ... explodes??


	33. A trigger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of revelations leads to the truth spilling out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like it's literally been so long since i have wanted to share this chapter and the next one. really hope it doesn't disappoint, i'm so nervous ahh! ok, happy reading!

Penny’s perfect. Perfect Penny. It’s what Aaron keeps hearing Nathan say. They’re saying goodbye to her and Sonny on their own doorstep. Aaron’s thinking about the fact that Sonny thinks packing himself off to Wales with his newly born daughter before the social services are on his case is a good idea.

Nathan’s blindly following. He’s agreeing and lending money and his parents are taking him in like a change of scenery and the pressures of a kid will do him good. Aaron’s voiced his opinions; Nathan’s spoke about stepping in if needs be. He’s spoke about it, only Aaron hasn’t really wanted to register any of it.

“You’ll ring when you’re there won’t you?” Nathan says. His eyes are darting like mad and he’s clearly nervous about handing Penny over to his hapless brother. They all should be, he’s a mess most of the time and just because he’s not turning his back on her like Sophie is doesn’t mean he’s any better.

Sonny nods. “Yeah. Duh. We’ll be fine.”

Aaron rolls his eyes; he thinks about the fact that he had to help Sonny put a car seat in the back of the car. He’d somehow managed to put it the wrong way around twice.

“Watch her head.” Nathan says as he focuses on how Sonny takes Penny over his shoulder. He’s kept saying it over and over again.

Aaron watches how delicate Nathan is with her and feels how something blooms and breaks in his chest when he thinks about the inevitable question. He thinks about Nathan asking if he thinks they’re ready to be dads, if he wants kids, if they should start trying soon. Aaron’s head spins and something almost shuts off completely. He knows, so suddenly, that he’s absolutely ruining Nathan’s life and the feeling takes over everything else.

Aaron doesn’t hear Sonny leave with Penny. He doesn’t say goodbye, he doesn’t help with the bags like should. Instead he just stares down at his engagement ring and then back up at the photos of him and Nathan scattered around the room.

He should be looking for a house, he should be sending out invites to their wedding. He should, he _should_. He should be doing all of that.

“That felt weird.” Nathan says. He comes back into the room and shuts the door behind him. The wind makes it slam and Aaron stares up at him. “Just watching them go.”

Aaron gulps hard. “He’ll be OK.” He says. “Your mum’s ... your mum. She’ll be doing all the tricky stuff.”

Nathan smiles nervously. “What like changing nappies?”

Aaron nods. He steps forward and then joins Nathan as he lounges out on the sofa. He’s got his head in his hands and he’s breathing out like he’s been holding all this stress in.

“You look tired.” Aaron whispers, he reaches out and squeezes Nathan’s knee. He instantly thinks of Robert and squeezing his eyes shut to focus the thought away.

Nathan rolls his head dramatically in Aaron’s direction. “I need a night out.” He groans. “Fancy one?”

Aaron plays with his hands. “We haven’t been on a night out in years.” He says, like it’s an answer.

Nathan frowns. “You were quite the party goer when we met.”

Aaron looks down, remembers drinking too much and being too loud. “Not the good kind.” He reminds him. Nathan sits up like he wished he hadn’t said anything, and Aaron feels bad. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

Nathan bites his lip. Smiles. “Could invite some mates.” He says. Aaron thinks of Nathan’s mates, they’re nice enough. They’re the type of blokes who bang on about how lucky Aaron is to have Nathan when they get pissed. He nods though and then Nathan’s leaning his head back. “Could double up as a stag.”

Aaron blinks. “What?”

“Our stag. Or _pre stag_ , whatever.” Nathan smiles. “Just want to have some fun.” He says. “With you, and my mates and ... we’re getting married.” He looks so happy suddenly and Aaron can’t breathe.

Nathan pulls Aaron’s hands in his and squeezes down. He looks serious and yet still relaxed at the same time. Aaron knows him, knows that he’s probably thought about their stag do and their wedding a damn sight more than Aaron has. He shudders slightly as Nathan asks him what he thinks.

“I mean we haven’t even ... set a date.”

Nathan nods. “Well yeah. I know but ... look I sort of somehow know you’re not keen on a big thing. We could just go for a drive one day and do it.” He says with a smile.

Aaron has that feeling of absolute dread hit him again as he thinks of Nathan putting aside what he wants for him. It makes his throat close up, makes him feel like nothing sounds worse than that.

“But we don’t need to talk about — you know you _can_ say something?”

Aaron nods. “I just — yeah you know it sounds good.”

Nathan frowns. “And you’re not just saying what you think I want to hear?” He pulls a face. “Oh God. I sound like my mum.”

Aaron smiles and then brings Nathan closer to him by holding his chin. “It sounds good. So we’ll do it.”

Nathan smiles back. “Yeah?”

Aaron nods before the thought has even registered.

—

Robert’s unloading shopping from his car when he sees his mum parking a few spaces away from him. He doesn’t know what to say to her so he keeps taking out as many bags as he can from his boot before she’s clearing her throat and he’s having to turn around.

“So I take it, this is about Victoria.” Sarah says. “Why you haven’t been coming to see me?”

Robert takes out another bag and Sarah holds her hand out, takes it willingly before sighing.

“Love ...”

“It’s not ...” Robert stops. “You didn’t seem to think she was wrong.” He says. It’s what he’s been thinking about ever since he left their cottage. It was this embarrassing feeling, this unease inside him that everyone who knew about Aaron also knew that he was never going to choose him.

Robert thinks of that plan of his. He thinks of how it’s dwindled down into nothing but this empty feeling of wait. It’s longing, longing like they’re in some Victorian drama and their love is doomed.

Robert shakes his head when Sarah tries to explain things in this roundabout way that only makes him realise even more that she doesn’t think Vic was wrong.

“She went _about it_ the wrong way. It was ... too blunt, and she was upset and so were you because she shouldn’t have sent him that letter. She really shouldn’t have.”

Robert stops, leans against his car and it starts raining. Of course it starts raining.

“But she means well.” Robert rolls his eyes. “She does.”

“If she did, she wouldn’t have tried to ruin it all like that.” Robert says. “Because it would have been the end of us.”

Sarah frowns. “Because he wouldn’t have chosen you.”

“Not yet.” Robert says firmly. Sarah looks as him like he’s mad, he feels it. “He was supposed to get a house with Nathan. He was supposed to be marrying him but there’s no venue, no stag do, no save the dates.” He says.

Sarah almost softens and Robert feels her listening to him. It makes him stand straighter. It makes him feel like he’s not completely mad.

“Have you spoken to him?

Robert sticks his head down. “No. Not really.”

Sarah sighs hard and then looks down at the bags. She picks a couple more up and then Robert throws her this weird look. “What? They’re getting soggy on the ground.” She says. “Come on, let’s put them away.”

Robert smiles gently as he watches her lead the way.

—

“It is not a big thing. I repeat. It is not a big thing.” Aaron’s got a headache. It’s a massive stag do related one where Leyla is practically losing her shit on the other end of the phone over what he’s playing at. “It’s just drinks.” He says.

He’s sitting in his mum’s pub and watching as Nathan asks her if they can hire it out tomorrow night. Chas is all animated with it, he watches her spin and look like she’s pretending to put a banner on the front of the bar and then one higher. Nathan’s talking about a theme, says that him and Aaron are going to have cowboy hats on.

Aaron rolls his eyes, almost tuts before Leyla is back down the line shouting about the fact that she was meant to be in charge. Aaron can picture her now. “Look. I know. But –” He pulls the phone away from his ear for a second before putting it back and sighing. “Fine. You can come.”

It settles the score. She can bring a photographer and lie like they’re her clients and apparently it’ll do wonders for her website. Aaron’s still not calling it a stag do. He’s calling it a get together, negotiating between whether it’s a stag or an engagement do. It’s something in between he supposes.

It’s something that he’s not mentioned to Robert. He hasn’t seen him for what feels like ages. It makes something ache and twist in his chest and he tries to blame Victoria but only ends up blaming himself. He can’t quite shake the feeling inside of him, one that makes him feel like he’s losing it all so quickly.

Nathan comes over to him, squeezes his arm and says that he’s got to go and meet a mate. Aaron kisses him, watches him leave and then drums his fingers against the table. He doesn’t think he looks nervous but then his mum is coming towards him with this look on her face.

“What’s with the face?” Chas folds her hands over.

“What’s with yours?” Aaron asks her right back. She raises an eyebrow and Aaron bites at his finger nails before nodding his head as he watches his uncle Cain come into the pub.

Chas squints, then looks over at Cain. “Aaron’s stag. In here. Tomorrow night.”

Cain leans an arm against the bar, frowns. “Bit short notice ain’t it?”

Chas frowns. “Well Nathan’s family are a bit all over the place ain’t they?” She says. Mainly because Nathan isn’t the room and she barely knows Sonny. “So they’ve hardly had time to actually sit and talk about things.”

Aaron sits back, lets her explain his relationship for him.

“Right.” Cain says, clearly passed caring by now.

Chas doesn’t seem to stop though, instead she laughs. “In fact, they haven’t even got a wedding date yet. Do you know how backwards that is?”

“I am still here you know.” Aaron says.

Cain gives him this look like he just suspects something and then Aaron’s looking away from him.

Chas nods. “Oh I know you are love.” She says, practically leaning over and squeezing his cheeks. “Just excited.” She shrugs her shoulders and then tilts her head. “You do know that when you do set a date, I have to know like straight away though right?”

Aaron frowns. “Why?”

“Well I’m not only your mum but I’m the mother of the groom. It counts as something bigger if your son’s gay.”

Cain huffs. “Read that in one of your magazines did you?”

Chas’ eyes widen. “The magazines I need to get a dress from, a special mother of the groom one you know.”

Cain rolls his eyes. “Sounds fascinating. Pint when you’re ready.”

Chas gets up and comes around the bar to serve him. Aaron watches them talking for a bit and he stares down at his phone. He has a finger hovering over Robert’s name, and he thinks of sending a text. Then he thinks of all the time Robert’s had to be persuaded to sack all this off by Victoria. He’s suddenly petrified.

Aaron doesn’t want to think about how long he’s been waiting for Robert to realise how much more he deserves. It sticks on his mind until he looks up and sees that Cain’s pulling up a chair to sit next to him.

“You alright?”

Aaron nods slowly, tries to look as confused with the comment as he can be. “Don’t I look it?” He laughs.

Cain shakes his head slowly. “Seem fidgety.”

Aaron huffs, sits up straighter. “Well so would you be if you heard her bang on about karaoke here tomorrow night.” He tilts his head towards Chas and Cain follows his eyes before smiling.

Aaron’s shoulders relax a little.

—

Aaron can’t sleep. He sits up in bed with his legs crossed and just stares up at the ceiling. He has this feeling inside that tells him if he falls asleep he’s going to have a bad dream, one that’s going to make it difficult to breathe. He takes a look at Nathan and then grabs himself a glass of water.

He takes little sips, tries to think about getting through tomorrow. He has this feeling creeping up inside of him, it feels like the _end_ of something and he’s not even sure what.

The feeling makes him take his phone out and call Robert. It’s almost on instinct, it’s scary how close he suddenly needs to feel to him. It’s half two in the morning and Robert answers with a groan, asks if Aaron’s OK.

“Just — just wanted to hear your voice. That’s all.” Aaron says. He paces around the living room and has this sudden urge to just run out the door and keep going. He looks towards the sofa and sees the cowboy hats that Nathan has ordered for them tomorrow.

He just stares. He just _stares_.

There’s this thing, deep down inside him, telling him that he just needs to get through it for Nathan. He owes him that. He does.

Robert huffs. “Why, what’s wrong?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he runs the back of his arm across his face, shrugs. “Nothing.” He says, but then he frowns. “Is there something wrong?” He blurts out, crosses his arms over. “Apart from ... Victoria. You seem ...”

Robert doesn’t say anything for a second.

“Rob.” Aaron whispers. “I feel like you’re ...”

_I feel you’re not telling me something._

It hangs in the air and Aaron is whacked over the head by how stupid it sounds, how much of a hypocrite he is by saying that out loud as he stares at the cowboy hat again.

“I’m fine.” Robert says quietly. “Nothing to report.”

Aaron doesn’t believe him. He doesn’t say.

“We can meet tomorrow.” Robert says. “If you can.”

“I can.” Aaron blurts out, like he can, like he hasn’t got anything else.

“Good.” Robert whispers. “Now let me go back to sleep weirdo.” He says.

“Yeah.” Aaron says. “Robert?” He goes to say something, he goes to say he loves him like he almost knows that Robert needs to hear it. But then Aaron’s hears the line go dead.

\--

Aaron steps out of the car and sees Robert walking towards him. There’s something sentimental about meeting here hours before his pre-stag do or whatever it is that he’s allowing to call it now. Robert’s car is parked up just the same way it was when Aaron flagged him down, told him that he’s got car trouble that he needs help with. It was a ploy then, it was dangerous, reckless, it was all about this lust that he had no idea how to completely ignore. Yet now, it’s more than that. It’s so much more than he can admit to.

Robert nods towards him, shuffles on his feet slightly.

“I thought you wouldn’t want to meet.” Aaron says, he squints under the light of the sun and then turns his head down. “You know, because of Victoria.” Robert sighs. “Still not speaking then I take it?”

“No. She tried calling but … I don’t think there’s a lot to say.”

“She was looking out for you I suppose.” Aaron tells him. He thinks of how now he’s calmed down the last thing he wants is Robert not speaking to his family. He clears his throat when Robert gives him this funny look. “I know I said she was … but she’s your sister, and I’m not exactly boyfriend material am I?”

Robert feels his cheeks flame and he suddenly wants to tell Aaron that he is, he wants to say that there’s sort of no one more perfect for him. He also wants to shake him, walk away. There’s this constant push and pull in his mind whenever he dares to think about things for longer than a couple of minutes. He’s not even sure why he’s here.

“I just wanted to see you.” Aaron says, like it’s normal, like they’re just some couple who have had a normal fight over normal family stuff. Robert looks up and then sees that Aaron’s moved closer towards him, he shuffles forward, tips his head up and kisses Robert eagerly. “I shouldn’t have shouted at her.” Aaron whispers against Robert’s mouth. “I’m sorry that you’re in this pos—”

Robert leans in, cuts Aaron off and somehow they both don’t hesitate to fall into Aaron’s car and start pulling and shoving as they kiss. Robert has this voice in his head, it feels so eerily like Doom’s Day or something and he knows that he needs to talk to Aaron. He needs to tell him that he can’t take much more of this, that whatever they have has made every single thing in his life easier and yet at the same time more difficult. He thinks of Aaron listening, it being this breakthrough that Robert ending things months before wasn’t.

“We can’t … in here.” Aaron pants against Robert’s ear, untangles himself as he pets Robert’s hair. “We’re in a lay-by.”

Robert bites his lip, mirrors how Aaron is doing the same thing and decides to force what he’s thinking right down. “You chickened out before as well didn’t you? Right here.” He shakes his head, sighs playfully. “Some things never change do they?”

Aaron pulls this face like he’s suddenly up for the challenge and Robert watches him lean over and pull at the glove compartment. He moves back when a piece of paper flies out and lands on the passenger seat. There’s silence for a second before Robert is leaning over and watching Aaron pale under whatever it is. He’s suddenly trying to shove it away again; he’s mumbling about not having any stuff with him and how Robert’s going to have to do some settling.

“What was that?” Robert cuts him off completely and Aaron leans away from the passenger seat and leans slowly into the backseat. “Aaron.”

“Nothing.” Aaron whispers. He’s still holding the piece of paper like a fool and Robert gets to stare down and look. His eyes trace over the words, over and over again and then he looks up at Aaron. “It’s … it’s not –”

“That’s talking about extended family laws.” Robert says slowly. “Nathan? Sonny’s … kid.”

Aaron’s eyes are blue and shining slightly in the light. He breathes in sharply. “Penny. Umm. This – it’s nothing because she’s gone to Wales with Sonny.”

“Nothing?” Robert whispers. “What, you were going to try adopt the kid at one point?”

Aaron gulps, he feels himself panicking under what the fuck this looks like. He sits up straighter and breathes out. “No. We just … Sonny is a mess, and the mum didn’t want Penny; she’d already decided so Nathan talked about taking her for a bit whilst Sonny sorted himself out. That’s all.”

Robert cannot think of anything other than Aaron and some kid and growing to love some kid and it being just another excuse for why he can’t just leave Nathan, leave this life that he has built up for himself. It’s replaying over and over in his mind and he can’t think straight.

“That’s all?” Robert looks at Aaron, eyes widening. “It’s raising a kid.”

Aaron tuts. “No, it’s … Nathan’s niece. It would have just been for – for a bit.”

“How do you know that?”

“What?” Aaron stammers, sees that Robert’s got that face on, the way that makes everything feel like it’s hurting him so much.

“How do you know that it would have just been just for a bit? How do you know Sonny wouldn’t have taken ages to … be sorted out?” Robert starts waving his hands around and Aaron can only stare. “You could have been raising a kid Aaron.”

“No. It’s …”

“A kid.” Robert dips his head and Aaron holds his face by the chin, gulps hard as his eyes grow wet.

“I wouldn’t have. It wouldn’t have come to that.” Aaron hasn’t even given himself the chance to think like that, he’s not even tried to.

Robert breathes out slowly. “You’re the one who said Sonny’s this mess. Aren’t social services on his heels?”

“Well yeah but. He’s with his mum and dad now and …”

“And Nathan’s a better fit than them right? If it all goes wrong with him trying to look after this kid? He’s younger, he’s looking for a house, he’s got a fiancé and …”

Aaron runs a hand over his face suddenly. “Stop. Stop. OK. I get it, I get what you’re saying. What do you want me to say?” Robert stares at him like he’s challenging him to say what he should have said, what he should have done months ago. Aaron’s phone suddenly goes off and Robert stares down.

“Why’s Leyla calling you?” Aaron freezes as he sees a text come in, she’s asking why he isn’t at his own stag do and Robert’s seen it. Of course has his. Aaron feels his shoulder’s flatten as Robert looks around the car and his eyes land on the boot and the stupid cowboy hat he really isn’t going to be wearing. Robert grabs it, his hands touching over the top of it delicately before he’s looking back at Aaron and forcing the car door open.

“Robert wait.” Aaron says, so quickly.

“Wait?” Robert spins. “Wait. Are you fucking kidding me?”

Aaron shuts his eyes tightly and feels his heart pounding over and over again. “Please, just …”

“Your stag?” Robert’s face is bright red, and Aaron watches him pulls a hand over his eyes like he doesn’t want Aaron to see how he looks. “Your stag do? When is it?”

Aaron gulps. He doesn’t say anything.

“Aaron.”

“Couple of hours.” Aaron blurts out. He feels sick.

Robert looks like someone’s just punched him in the stomach. He doesn’t say anything for what feels like such a long long time. “So the wedding’s what? Tomorrow.”

Aaron takes a step forward and Robert takes one back. “No, no it’s … it’s not even really a stag. It’s just at my mum’s pub, a couple of mates … it’s …”

“Fancy dress? Beer? Karaoke maybe.” Robert moves his head around, laughs bitterly. “You must think I’m such an idiot.”

“I don’t.” Aaron blurts out, he wipes a hand over his face.

“You do.”

“I don’t, Rob.” Aaron shudders, his chin wobbles as he sees what the fuck he’s doing to Robert. “I’m sorry, I …”

“You’re sorry? You’re sorry you say you’re in love with me, but you’re having your stag do tonight?” Robert sucks in a breath. “Do you even hear yourself?” His voice breaks and Aaron’s eyes widen, more and more and more.

“I just didn’t know how to …”

“To what? Break his heart?” Robert shouts. “Say no. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why can’t you just say _no_?”

Aaron stands there, stunned. He knows so instantly that he can’t go back, he can’t turn this around. He’s broke something in Robert. He really has. “It ain’t that simple. It’s … I can’t just hurt him like …”

“But you are.” Robert shouts. “Every single time you’re with me, you’re hurting him.” Aaron looks away. “And you’re hurting me too. But you don’t give a _shit_.”

Aaron yanks his head up, nods. “Of course I do.”

“You were never going to tell me about Nathan wanting to look after Penny. About you being this uncle in law or whatever, what that would mean.” Robert shakes his head. “Or that you … it’s your stag do.”

“It’s not. It’s just …”

“You’re unbelievable.”

Robert has this look on his face, he blows out a breath and Aaron is suddenly left terrified that something has just dawned on him. It has, it has, and everything has changed in an instant. Or maybe over the course of months and months of this. Maybe, this band, this piece of elastic that Robert was holding was always going to snap between his fingers at this very moment.

“Rob …”

“You’re never going to leave him.” Robert says, so simply. Aaron’s got tears in his eyes that fall quickly. “I thought I had all this time to convince you that he wasn’t the one, that I … that we were …” Robert huffs, his head dropping. “But it’s just useless. My mum was right, Vic – God was she right.” Robert shudders, breathing in and out as he shakes his head. “I’ve put my whole life on hold for someone who isn’t even mine? Someone who’s … never going to be.”

“Robert …”

Robert starts walking away, then turns. “That guy you saw at the office the other day. He was Chrissie’s business partner. He was scouting for someone to take over a branch of her salons in London, overseer, more money, more _everything_ and – and I turned him down.” Robert blows out a breath. “I turned him down. I turned it down because it would have been too far away from you.”

Aaron’s head pounds, all he hears is _London_ and everything just stops. He just stands there, mouth open. He thinks of Robert not here anymore. “What?” He instantly has tears in his eyes. “No, Robert … Rob …”

“For you.” Robert shakes his head. “I said no, last night I told her I’m flattered but I can’t. For _you_.”

Aaron remembers Nathan holding Penny. The feeling that rushed over him, the one that told him he’s ruining Nathan’s life. It’s happening again. He should walk away. He doesn’t.

“This doesn’t have to change …” Robert moves away again. “I know, I _know_ how this sounds but …”

“It sounds like you’re a coward.” Robert says, he can’t help any of it. All of this anger and pain just pours out of him without a second thought. “And you are.” Aaron looks away. “You see me, you sleep with _me_ and then you go home for more and I just pretend like none of it is happening.”

“You know it’s more than that.” Aaron whispers. “It’s not about _sex_. It’s …”

“No. No that was all the others before me.” Aaron’s mouth hangs open. “At least they knew where they stood though, at least they knew it was just sex and you wanting someone to …”

“It’s never just been about that with you.” Aaron feels like every single thing is just slipping away from him. He moves forward and holds onto Robert’s shirt. “Please, Robert.”

“It’s just words.” Robert says. “Words you probably tell _him_ as well.” He shakes his head. “They don’t mean _anything_ , none of what you say ever really means …”

Aaron sees Robert leaving. He sees him just going and something seems to snap.

“That’s what you think?” Aaron’s face is bright red. “Well then why stick around for so long?” He hardens and then falters. “Huh?”

“Because I know you.” Robert says. “I know that you don’t just want safety, and cosy nights in and – and paying off a mortgage until you’re old and grey. You’re just too big of a coward to admit that …”

“What and you think I want _this_?” Aaron shouts suddenly. Robert squints at him, stares. “Feeling like my head is about to explode every time I’m _near_ you, like my – my heart is going to pack up every single time I hurt you?”

Robert’s heart pounds and there’s this glimmer of hope. “Better messed up than feeling what? This misguided sense of loyalty to someone.”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut and his heart twists and it’s all _true true true_. “Just stop.” Aaron barks. He shakes his head, breathes in. “I can’t think straight.” He says.

Robert’s eyes flicker. “That’s what love is. It just happens Aaron so deal with it.”

Aaron shrugs. “Maybe I don’t want to deal it with it, maybe I don’t want this.” He says quickly. His eyes are filling with tears again and they widen under what he’s said. He wants to take it back.

Robert takes a step back, another one. He sighs, lets out this breath and then looks up towards Aaron. “Does he make you happy?”

Aaron’s never been so struck by a question before. “He doesn’t make me sad.” He says. He never has. “He doesn’t make me feel like I can’t think straight when I’m with him and definitely doesn’t make me … petrified about how much I …”

_Love him._

_Need him._

_Want him._

Robert nods. He’s always been so much stronger than the both of them. It’s proven now, within this moment, because Aaron calls out his name, tries to say he didn’t mean it to come out like that. He tries, tries, tries, and Robert keeps walking away.

Aaron stops, hitches his breath. “Fine. Go. I don’t need you Robert, you’re doing me a favour.”

Robert stops, turns his head only slightly and then he carries on walking to his car. Aaron watches him speeding off, sees him disappear into nothing. Only then does he crouch down, hands running through his hair and this ache in his chest.

The world seems to stop.

Robert’s gone.

\--

Robert runs a hand over the wheel of his car and breathes in deeply as he stares up at the building. He thinks of loss for a really long time. He thinks of the way he’s been pushed and shoved around and how mean he can be. It sort of runs through him so easily when he’s forced to, when someone comes along and just snaps him in two.

It was Andy and it was Katie and feeling like his heart was going to fall out of his chest when it was over, so he had to do something. He had to take back something, a tiny resemblance of control.

Now it’s Nathan and it’s Aaron and he can’t think of anything else to do.

\--

Aaron drives past the front of the Woolpack and sees that his mum has acted exactly like herself. She’s got this sign on the front of the place, says it’s closed for a family stag do in cursive letters. He thinks about what it looks like inside, if there’s balloons and banners everywhere and if she’s got some cheesy playlist on and the karaoke already set up. He stares for a second before looking ahead and running his hands over his face roughly and landing a punch to the steering wheel, over and over again. He stares at his knuckles, imagines them bruising over.

Aaron leans back, tilts his head and then decides to park round the back to miss his mum’s shrieking about the fact that he’s not go this cowboy hat on. He thinks hard about why exactly they’re having a western theme. Nathan likes those boring old films. Aaron tries to smile, can’t. This feeling is everywhere as he peaks his head out towards the back room and sees that it’s empty. He blows out a sigh of relief, tilts his head down and then sees that the door to the bar is closed shut too. He’s alone.

The table and chairs stand tall as Aaron approaches and hears his mum laughing from the bar. He thinks about Marlon putting on a spread, weird quiches and burgers he thinks should be award winning. They’re going all out for him. He knows. They’re probably all so happy that he’s happy, rooted, absolutely safe and secure in a loving relationship with a good man.

Aaron doesn’t want to move. He stays exactly where he is and then picks up the pen lying next to the fruit bowl. He waves it in his hand, grips hard and then loosens so it nearly falls and breaks. It rattles against the wooden table and then he sees his mum’s notepad on the counter, he reaches for it and sees scribbles about brewery orders, no page with more than a couple of words written. He stops when he reaches blank pages. He thinks of Robert. The way he scribbles away at work, pretends like he’s working whilst he waits for anything to really happen.

It hits him like a steam train. He allows it to hit him like one.

Robert hates him. He’s ruined it _all_.

Aaron feels his eyes fill with tears and he runs a hand through his hair, head bent as he cries. It feels like he’s been holding it in for so long now. He just can’t seem to stop letting it out. It feels like ages until he stops but he does. He stares at the door into the bar, still closed and shut off from the world. He clears his throat, runs a hand over his face, scoots closer and then breathes out this breath he thinks he’s been holding in for years. He picks up the pen and starts writing.

He’s written a page, quick, messy, drawn out points that he knows he’s always felt. It just keeps coming, over and over again. Things he should have said so long ago, things Nathan should have known by now. He rips the piece of paper out of the notepad and stares at it. Then the door opens, and he spins, sees Nathan standing there with a frown of his face. Aaron stands up, shoves the piece of paper in the notepad and puts it back.

“What are you doing back here?”

Aaron wipes at his eyes and then shrugs. “Just … nothing. I didn’t know you were here yet.”

Nathan comes closer towards Aaron. “Yeah, your mum has been going on at me about the decorations. She reckons she’s overdone it.”

“You don’t say.” Aaron whispers. Nathan pulls Aaron in by the waist and goes to kiss him, but Aaron leans away. Nathan frowns at him. “What’s wrong?”

Aaron gulps hard. “Nothing. I just …”

Nathan gasps playfully. “Is this where you tell me your cowboy hat isn’t making its way out of the boot of your car?”

Aaron shudders, his head dips and he thinks about telling him the worst thing in the world. “Nathan …”

Nathan takes his hand off Aaron’s waist and then his eyes widen. “Speaking of which, mine’s at home. I should go get it before everyone turns up.”

Aaron stares as Nathan looks around the room almost absent-mindedly and then starts walking out the back door. “I’ll come with you.” He says quickly. He’s not even taken his jacket off. He watches Nathan frown at him.

“You sure?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he knows, he knows that he’s sure. “I’m sure.” He says. He watches as Nathan heads out the door. He waits for a second before following him out.

\--

Aaron’s silent the whole way home. He plays with his hands, chews on his lip as the radio blasts and Nathan natters on about almost anything that springs to mind. He’s always been like that, always. Aaron stares ahead for what feels like ages, watches the sun start to set and the orange rays bleed in through the windows, soak up the paleness of Aaron’s skin and make things seem brighter than what they are.

He still doesn’t speak when Nathan gets out of the car, passes Nigel and heads up to their flat. Aaron throws a look back at Nigel, looks at his face, the widening of his eyes and the way he holds his stare before slowing looking away from them both.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

Aaron frowns, tilts his head up and then shakes it. “What?” He hasn’t even been listening, and now Nathan is asking if he isn’t feeling well. He shakes his head again, says he’s fine. He’s fine but he waits a second, lets Nathan walk ahead as he steadies himself in the corridor and thinks so hard that he’s sure his head is about to fall off.

“Who the hell are you?”

It’s what makes his head snap up. He walks three paces to their flat, the door still swung open and then he sees Nathan looking at someone.

He sees Nathan looking at Robert.

Aaron can’t breathe. It’s like nothing can quite come out because it feels like every single thing he’s tried to keep quiet is coming out so quickly. He’s always felt like he was on this treadmill, like someone’s always speeding it up, pressing the button and making his arms swing back and forth as he tries desperately to keep up. He used to have this strange dream, he’d been on the treadmill, and it was tilting higher and higher until the air in his lungs seized up and he was falling and falling and falling. He always used to wake up feeling like he’d just ran a marathon.

It's like that now.

Robert’s just standing there. He’s got his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. His eyes are hard, unmoving. He looks like there’s nothing but hate there, like any feeling he ever had for Aaron has been smashed to pieces.

“How did you get in?” Nathan turns towards the door and then back towards Robert. He’s clueless. He sounds like he’s trying to sound as threatening as possible.

Robert has this dashing smile on his face. Aaron seethes, he just stands behind Nathan and shakes his head. “Oh Nigel knows me.” He keeps smiling. “Quite well actually.”

Nathan frowns. “Sorry do I know you?” He takes a step forward. Then stops when Robert shakes his head. He asks if this is about work.

“It’s more of a personal thing actually.”

Aaron’s heart pounds and he gulps down hard. “You don’t have to do this. Get out.”

“No.” Robert says, he shakes his head, stands straighter. “No, sorry. I have some things to say.”

Nathan looks at Aaron, frowns and then looks back at Robert. “I … well it’s our stag do so we don’t really have time for whatever this is.” He has his dismissive voice on, Aaron has tears in his eyes, and he keeps shaking his head over and over again.

“Ah. Yes.” Robert crosses his arms over. “The stag do. I wasn’t even invited.” Robert sighs. “Aaron had it in his head that I’d ruin it somehow, you know? Cause a scene or something.”

Nathan has this worried look on his face and looks at Aaron. “What is he on about?”

Aaron clears his throat, walks towards Robert. “Seriously. Please. Leave now.”

Robert smiles at him; it doesn’t reach his eyes. If Aaron were brave enough to stare for more than a second or two he’d know that. “No.” He says again, stronger this time. Robert drags his eyes away from Aaron, looks at Nathan. “I’m Robert Sugden.” He says.

Robert watches the realisation dawn on Nathan, thinks it looks pretty painful. “You work with Aaron.” He says, there’s still a hint of uncertainty in his voice and Robert nods, fills him in.

“Yeah I do. Well done for remembering.”

“Robert …”

Robert walks towards Nathan and then sticks his hands in his pockets again, this heavy look on his face. “I work with Aaron. Sometimes at the office. Sometimes here.” He looks around the room with this confidence and Aaron stares at him intensely. “Or at mine. Depends where you are to be honest.”

Nathan’s eyes flicker, he staggers back slightly and looks around.

“You seem confused.” Robert says. He huffs out a breath. “OK so, see for example, when you were in Wales with your druggy little brother, I was here. For the night, mind. Aaron had a whack to his conscience … me being in your bed wasn’t really all that exciting. So it was back to mine for the rest of the week.”

Nathan turns slowly towards Aaron and it’s one of the worst things Aaron has ever been faced with. Nathan’s face is pale, his eyes are wide and red, and he doesn’t say anything for so long. “What he is on about?”

Aaron shakes his head, scratches his eyebrow and then shudders. “He’s drunk. He’s …” All Aaron can think of is one thing.

_Not like this._

_Not like this._

Robert laughs, then waves his hands up and starts walking towards Nathan and then back again. Then he stops and turns back towards Nathan. “I’m completely sober, wouldn’t miss the chance of not remembering any of this. Trust me.”

Aaron’s head hangs suddenly, and Nathan just stares at him.

“I’m just so tired of lying. I think that’s it. I’m a good liar Nathan, I really am but … it usually has to have a point right? This doesn’t. There’s absolutely no point.” Robert gulps hard, his stone-faced approach to this slipping just slightly before he hears Nathan make this sound.

“He wouldn’t – what have you got on him? What is this really about?”

Robert tilts his head up. “It’s a lot to take in.” Nathan shakes his head and Aaron just stays completely silent. “So I’ll make it simple for you. OK? Him. Your fiancé.” Robert points at Aaron and Aaron flinches away, his jaw locking. “He can’t stay away from me. So we’ve been at it, for months and months and months.”

Aaron gulps thickly around how it sounds, he looks right into Robert’s eyes, practically begs him to stop.

“No.” Nathan says, again.

“All the times you thought he was working late. He was with me.” Robert smiles, looks at Aaron and then at Nathan. “Family emergencies you had to go to? He was with _me_. Aaron not telling you about Sonny being in a state, him overdosing? It was because he was with me. I was on his mind. _Me_. Not you. He wanted to be with me. Over and over again.”

Nathan squeezes his eyes shut, switches off like he can’t take anymore. He shakes his head. “No.”

Aaron breathes in, feels sick suddenly as he listens to it all, how it sounds. “He’s …”

“Lying?” Robert turns to Aaron, smiles even wider. “Really? I can carry on all day. How about I scroll through our texts huh, that’d paint a colourful picture. Wouldn’t it?”

“Don’t.”

Nathan looks at Aaron, he has tears in his eyes, looks like he’s just been punched in the stomach. He almost folds over, keeps shaking his head.

“I tried telling you this before.” Robert looks at Nathan. “But I didn’t have the balls to mess things up between you two anymore than I was doing already by sleeping with him.” He huffs. “I thought I had something worth protecting, keeping close but now … now I think we’re even. Don’t you Aaron?”

“Just go.” Aaron balls his hands, makes a fist and practically lunges before Robert is giving him this look. It makes him stop in his tracks; it makes him feel like he has no right to do any of this. So he freezes, backs away.

“I’m only saying all this because apparently he can’t handle it anymore, can’t handle what we’re doing, how it makes his mind go.” Robert huffs. “ _He_ can’t handle it because he’s such a good guy ain’t he? Heart of gold deep down. Can’t hurt you can he? No. Not Aaron.”

Nathan breathes in again.

“I’ve got to say, it feels good to get it out in the open. It really does.” Nathan bends his head. “See I know every inch of him, inside and out. How to make him scream mate. Now you do too, I mean we could swap tips on –”

Nathan shudders and then he’s lunging forward and grabbing Robert by his leather jacket, squeezing and shaking as he reaches out and swings his fists. Robert takes a step back.

“No. No, Nathan, don’t. Please don’t hurt ...” Aaron says quickly. His voice snaps and Nathan throws him this look, he looks devastated. “He’s – he’s not worth it.” He says but he knows Nathan doesn’t believe anything he’s saying. Nathan pulls out of Aarons hold quickly.

“You’re vile.” Nathan spits at Robert.

Robert’s eyes flicker like he’s unsure of what to actually say for the first time since arriving. He suddenly looks vulnerable, like he’s being pulled back to another time. Aaron thinks of Andy, thinks of Katie. It makes his heart pound. Then Robert finally tilts his head up and smiles. Aaron stares, takes in how different he looks. It’s like he’s someone completely new.

_Look what you did to him._

“ _And_ I’m also done protecting him.” Robert says with a nod of his head.

Aaron feels this anger rise through him again when he thinks about how that sounds, how it makes it somehow seem like Aaron was only ever protecting himself from all of this coming out, like he never considered Robert in all of this. He wants to scream at him, tell him that he was thinking about their jobs and what Nathan would do. He wants to tell him that he was so close, he was going to stop being such a coward and he had to go and ruin it all. He wants to but nothing quite comes out.

“Get out.”

Aaron hears it. Robert looks up in surprise when Nathan says it. He looks at Aaron, almost smirks.

“No. You.” Nathan steps in front of Robert directly. He looks like he’s going to explode, he balls his hands into a fist. Robert raises his eyebrow. “Get out of our house.”

Aaron’s eyes widen, he doesn’t know what to say so he stays stuck on the spot as Robert throws him this look like he can’t quite believe it. Robert waves a hand up, laughs bitterly as he passes past Aaron before stopping.

“Glad I could do you another favour so soon mate.” Robert says before slapping Aaron on the back and walking out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dun. the next chapter follows directly after this, it would have been a novel in itself if i did not separate them. from here on in the chapters are going to be a lot longer because i started writing on my laptop instead of like the notes page of my phone which i have discovered is not very common at all lmao. anyways yeah, the chapters are like 4k or more from here so yeah, buckle up!
> 
> and if you have any questions about anything i'm on tumblr: @kellykadesperate (if u get the office reference ur the best)


	34. A truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stag-do commences. Robert seeks comfort from his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the response for the last chapter was ... insane. i literally was blown away, so thanks to each and every one of you who left a comment on here for like the first time, or just left a comment like you usually do and also to those who left kudos! there is still a lot to come, i hope you enjoy!

Aaron watches as Nathan walks calmly towards the window in complete silence. He just stares out and Aaron’s a coward because he prefers doing all this whilst he can only see the back of Nathan’s head. He gulps hard, runs a hand over his face with the back of his sleeve.

“I … I need to …” Aaron tries to catch his breath; he waits for a second before clearing his throat and sighing.

“You need to what?” Nathan says, face still towards the window. He just stands there, hunched over with a hand to the glass. “Go back in time?”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut, suddenly feels like he can’t breathe. He brings a hand over his face and then stares at the way the door is half open from Robert leaving. “I can explain.” He says, only he doesn’t really know how.

Nathan huffs. “You mean lie?”

Aaron shakes his head. “No. No I …”

“Because _he_ wasn’t.” Nathan sighs. He sounds so sad, so sad that it breaks something in Aaron. “He’s not lying. I don’t even need to _ask_ you.”

Aaron’s head pounds. Over and over again.

“Nathan, we …”

Aaron hears the sound of car leaving, the engine roaring and he instantly knows it’s Robert’s. He waits for a second, and then another before he watches Nathan’s shoulders sag down.

“I’ve seen that car.” Nathan whispers. “From the hotel. I remember that car. You listened to me geek out about it like an idiot.”

If Aaron was trying, if he was begging and pleading for Nathan not to believe what Robert was saying than this is where it would end. It would stop right here. Aaron feels something break in him; it feels like something heavier than he ever thought it would be.

“He’s right isn’t he?” Nathan turns slowly. “You’ve been cheating on me? With him. Having – some affair.”

Aaron’s been here _so_ many times before. He’s had dreams about this moment, spent so long thinking about what he would say and how he would say it and the way it would make things easier or harder for Nathan. He’s said no before, he’s said that Robert was someone from work who had a crush on him, and things have gone too far. He’s admitted it was a one off. He’s said that Robert’s right but he’s making it seem worse than what it was, that it’s over now, has been for ages. He’s said it was a couple of times, that Robert doesn’t mean a single thing to him, that he’s never regretted something more in his life.

He doesn’t now. Aaron wipes a hand over his face and lets out this tiny nod instead. He can’t do any more than that.

Nathan cups his face, covers it with both hands like he doesn’t want Aaron to see him crying. Aaron turns his head, squeezes his hands as they grow more and more clammy. He twitches, arms lifting to wrap around himself as he thinks of what to say.

“Nathan. I’m _so_ … I’m _so_ sorry. I …”

Nathan runs a hand over his face, breathes in and then he’s blowing out a breath and standing straighter. He walks into their bedroom and Aaron expects him to barricade the door or start throwing his clothes out, but he doesn’t. Instead, a minute goes by and Aaron sees that his mum has texted him about a million times asking where they’ve both got to. He doesn’t know what to text back. He just stares at his phone before edging towards the bedroom just as the door opens and Nathan holds his cowboy hat.

“Nathan …” He says when Nathan starts walking calmly towards the door. “Nathan, please. We have …”

“A stag-do to get to.” Nathan says. He nearly smiles but it doesn’t meet his eyes at all. He still looks broken and there’s a redness to his eyes.

Aaron is floored, for about the millionth time today. He just stares. “We … we need to …”

“Go to the stag-do.” Nathan nods, eyes darting to the door. “Everyone’s waiting for us.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Nathan …”

“I’m not letting him ruin this.” Nathan says. “Not today.” Aaron watches as Nathan walks towards the door and he stays put, feeling like he’s in some sort of dream.

Aaron stays for what feels like hours, in actuality, he’s just sat on the living room floor for ten minutes staring at his engagement ring and thinking about how much he hates himself. Eventually, he follows Nathan, chases after him and passes Nigel. He just gives him this look and it’s so clear that Nigel knows and that he _has_ known for so much longer than Aaron wants to actually admit. It makes something ache in his chest as he sees how disappointed he looks. The feeling stays put in his chest until he’s seeing that Nathan’s car is gone and he’s ordering a taxi to get him to the Woolpack.

As he sits there, he’s forced to think of Nathan’s reaction. He’d rather they stayed in the flat where Nathan called him every name under the sun. It would have been easier than this sort of denial Nathan is clearly going through. The Woolpack is lit with fairy lights and there’s that cheesy music still playing by the time he’s walking up the steps and trying desperately to find Nathan. The journey has made him think of every single possibility, he’s imagined Nathan doing something stupid to himself over this or him just driving away into the distance before Aaron can speak to him properly about all of this.

Aaron’s hit by the frilly banner as soon as he walks inside the pub. He looks around, through the glittery mess and searches for who’s here. He see Leyla in the corner of the room standing beside Liam who looks less than impressed by the decorations. He sees all Nathan’s well-meaning mates huddled together in the corner of the room. He keeps searching until he sees Liv and then he’s being bombarded by his mum.

“Where the _hell_ have you been?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “I … I was …”

“Keeping everyone waiting.” Chas has a hand on her hip, glass of champagne in her hand. He doesn’t even know why she’s here really. If it’s meant to be a stag do, he has no idea why his _mum_ would be here. “Your uncle Cain is just about ready to thump you.”

Aaron breathes out. He wonders if he still has tears in his eyes.

“What’s wrong with you?” Chas asks, she sounds almost irritated and then concerned as she tilts her head like she wants to get a proper look at him.

Aaron shakes his head. “I just need … have you seen Nathan?”

Chas frowns. “Well obviously. Did you two have a row? Because he’s wearing the cowboy hat and you’re in black. As per. So if you have had a …”

Aaron suddenly spots him. He’s in the corner of the room, downing shots like there is absolutely no tomorrow and then he sees who’s next to him. He completely forgot that Sonny was coming down from Wales especially for this. He keeps staring at Nathan, manages to zone his mum out entirely as he walks towards him.

“Nathan …” Aaron whispers. He touches Nathan’s elbow, watches as his fiancé looks down at his hand and then up again. Sonny is just there, sensing things.

“Everything alright?”

“Keep your nose out.” Aaron spits, not keeping his eyes off Nathan as Sonny tries reaching for his mac in his attempt to be Columbo again. “Nath, we need to go and talk.”

“No we don’t.” Nathan tells him calmly. “It’s our stag do, remember? We’re getting married. Remember? A house. Remember that too. _Remember_ Aaron?” His voice goes as he continues, and Aaron has tears in his eyes instantly.

“Nathan, I’m … please …”

Nathan shakes his head. “Nah. I don’t want to hear that. Not now. It’s our stag do.”

He keeps saying it, he keeps making out like none of this is happening and Aaron just has to let him. He dips his head down and then watches as Liv tries to reach him. She does, eventually. He turns towards her and she instantly knows something is wrong.

“Have you been crying?”

The tears in his eyes clearly give the game away. He tries to pretend like he hasn’t but it just makes her look at him like he’s crazy.

“No, I’m fine. I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

Aaron has his eyes on her for a second and then the next thing he knows, Nathan is walking towards where his bonkers nan is setting up the karaoke. He can’t think of anything worse right now but then Nathan is picking up the mic for himself.

“Hello.” Nathan bends his head into the mic, and everyone looks around and sees that he’s got everyone’s attention. “I just thought I’d say a word or two on both of our behalf. Aaron’s sorry he was later than I was, he always _is_ late to things.”

Chas comes out of the backroom with Marlon and a ripple of laughter rolls through the room as Nathan speaks.

“I just wanted to say a few words. You know. Make a toast.”

“Without a drink in your hand.” Cain points out, so clearly unimpressed by the whole thing.

Everyone laughs again. Nathan nods his head along, smiling. He’s still got that stupid cowboy hat on.

“To Aaron.” Everyone looks round and him and he sees his mum practically beaming. He doesn’t understand how she can remain so blind. “To this … stag. You know, we … we had to uh … we had to have a joint one because of Aaron. No friends.” Leyla laughs and Aaron watches everyone look between each other. “Well some. London lot right?” He looks at Aaron, only a couple of feet away. “Couldn’t bother showing up though. Which is … insane because Aaron is so amazing.”

There’s a round of aww’s that filter through the pub and Aaron’s eyes swell with tears. He sees Chas still looking over at him, completely oblivious.

“He’s dead grumpy, volatile, closed off, tortured beyond belief.” Nathan says. “But _he’s been through so much_ hasn’t he?” Nathan says, his jaw locks and he holds the mic tighter as Aaron takes a step forward and then back again. “God, Aaron hates himself more than anyone else could ever try to. Just look at him.”

Aaron tilts his head down as he feels people start to look around and then directly at him. Then he can hear his mum finally understanding that maybe something isn’t quite right. She’s mumbling something towards Cain and then Sonny and Liv are both actually saying something.

“What’s going on?” Liv says, she looks at her brother like he as all the answers. Aaron has Robert’s words ringing in his ears, he’s a coward, _he’s such a coward_. He looks up slowly and takes in his little sister for the first time. She’s gone to an effort, her hair is all down and there’s a clip through it, pearled and beaded. She’s got a t-shirt dress on, thick black boots. She’s made an effort and his mum has made an effort and Cain’s in a mucky plaid shirt but it’s his way of making an effort too.

Sonny looks up at his brother. “Mate, are you …”

“Nathan.” Aaron says, for possibly the twentieth time in the space of just a few hours. “Can we talk? Please. Not here.”

Nathan acts like he hasn’t heard him. He stays exactly where he is and keeps going. “I don’t actually know how he manages to get up every day, go to work, socialise, make people happy.” Nathan shrugs. “Keep his boyfriend satisfied and then … come back to his fiancé. I mean, the talent on him is unbelievable.”

Aaron’s head drops and he hears the gasps. Everyone’s eyes widen and they look like they are finally connecting the dots. He looks around after a few seconds. Everyone is staring back at him. He sees Leyla’s eyes popping out of her bloody sockets.

“Please don’t do this.” Aaron says. It’s said in a whisper, half-hearted, barely there.

“This incredible guy I’ve always been told is amazing, is cheating on me.” Nathan is still holding the bloody mic; it’s making it louder than it all needs to be.

“He wouldn’t do that to you love.” Chas is saying, her arms are crossed and she’s approaching both of them. She sounds so sure; she sounds angry at even the possibility being mentioned. “Why don’t you come through the back and sort …”

“Open your eyes Chastity.” Nathan says. “I have, finally. It’s written all over his face.”

Chas stares at Aaron. Everyone starts mumbling, whispering, looking at each other like they have no clue what to say. Aaron closes his eyes shut, almost feels the shock rising through his mum.

“Don’t worry though. I had to be told myself. Not by him. The man himself was nice enough to let me know.” Nathan says. He looks around. “Anyone else know? Was I this big laughing stock at work?” His eyes land on Leyla and she squirms.

“I would have noticed if Aaron was …”

“Shagging Robert Sugden?” Leyla’s face is a picture. Aaron suddenly wants the world to just swallow him up. His sister looks like she doesn’t understand, and his mum looks so shocked, Cain’s necking a pint and then there’s Sonny with this smug look on his face. “For months.”

Chas breathes out, looks frazzled. “Aaron say something.” She snaps.

“I knew it.” Sonny says, he scowls at Aaron.

“I know.” Nathan says. “I should have believed you, listened when you said what you did.” Nathan huffs. “Like when you were fighting for your life, nearly dead because he was fucking someone else for hours instead of –”

Aaron closes his eyes and feels Sonny lunge, swing and hit him square across the face. He staggers back against one of the tables and then he’s hearing his mum shrieking and Cain is pushing Sonny out of the way. Aaron holds his face, looks up and sees that Nathan is holding Sonny back too.

“Leave it Sonny.” Nathan says, he moves Sonny towards the entrance and holds him in place.

“Nathan.” Aaron struggles to his feet. He doesn’t know what words he wants to come out, but he can’t just let him leave.

“Thanks for coming everyone, but it’s … I think it’s over now.” Nathan says and then he’s gone.

\--

Aaron’s sitting in the backroom. He can hear his mum still ushering people out and he stares at her patterned rug for what feels like hours before she is closing the door and he isn’t alone anymore. He can’t sit and think and feel about things over and over again in this relentless way. He needs to start talking, explaining, making sense because at the moment, he’s not sure anyone really understands what Nathan was talking about.

There was a room, a room full of people who love him and would never think he was that sort of bloke who would go out having affairs, and he was stuck just waiting for them to slowly realise how right Nathan was.

The door closes shut and then he hears the sound of heels against the floor. For a second, he almost prays that it’s someone else, that he doesn’t need to face his mum and whatever it is she is going to try and get out of him.

“Right.” Chas says. “Everyone’s gone so you need to start explaining yourself.”

Aaron lifts his head, and he sees that she’s bought Liv along too. He’s not sure what she’s playing at by the last thing he wants to deal with is her disappointment, and shock, and upset. He hasn’t got the headspace for any of this.

“He’s not got it right. Has he Aaron?” Liv sounds like a child, she isn’t, she’s an adult now and he really should treat her like one. He goes to sugar coat it, sprinkle some lies amongst some truths, but he doesn’t have it in him anymore. He doesn’t say anything, just sighs hard and runs a hand over his face which aches from how he’s been sitting here crying. “There must be some … don’t worry, I was just telling everyone it was a …”

“He hasn’t got it wrong.” Aaron gulps hard and states at his mum and then his sister. Chas sits slowly on the coffee table. “He’s right. I … I’ve been having an affair.” The words drop out of his mouth and although Aaron didn’t think the world would actually end if he admitted that, it seems like something has. He can tell by the look on Liv’s face.

“No.” Liv shakes her head. “You wouldn’t do that.”

“He’s a bloke ain't he?” Chas says, she looks so angry at him.

“What, ‘cause you’re a saint? Like you’ve never cheated on anyone before.”

Chas bristles. “I’m not you though. You don’t do stuff like this.” She says. “An affair? That is _not_ you.”

Aaron runs a hand over his hair. “I didn’t mean for this …”

“How?” Liv’s face is bright red, and she frowns. “You don’t just _fall_ into an affair. It’s all this … planning and secrets. We don’t keep secrets from each other. Remember?”

Aaron sucks in a breath, lashes out. “You’re comparing you being an alcoholic to me having an affair? I don’t need to tell you _everything_ you know.”

Chas looks at Liv, watches her thunder out the room. “Liv, where are you …”

“Away from all this mess he’s created. I hope this Robert’s worth it, he seems _great_.” She slams the door behind her, and Aaron knows he should go and follow her, he knows he can’t afford anyone else hating him.

He doesn’t move though. He keeps his head down and expects his mum to follow her, but she stays where she is. She crosses her arms over and Aaron realises after a couple of minutes that she’s simply going to wait until he opens his mouth and starts talking.

“I didn’t want you finding out.” Aaron’s head stays down, like he’s almost talking to the floor. “Looking at me like you are.”

Chas tuts. “I’m just … confused.” She says. “You and Nathan, you’re solid.” She shrugs and then leans closer. “Yeah, the odd argument or two but …”

“Sometimes it got too much.” Aaron tells her quietly. “So I’d … one-night stands … to hurt him.” He shudders. “Just to feel something other than guilt over being a mess but then it’d only make things worse.”

Chas frowns, he looks up and soaks in her reaction. “So. This isn’t even the first time you’ve …”

Aaron closes his eyes. “Robert’s different …” Aaron whispers and then corrects himself, feels a wave of sadness rush over him. “He was … it wasn’t just a one-night stand.” He plays with the skin around his thumb, pushes up and down and then his knee goes. He doesn’t want to say anything else.

“Robert.” Chas just says his name and he feels his blood boil, this tension rise. “You work with him?”

Aaron nods his head.

“So it was … what? Convenient?” Chas tilts his head, she’s being measured, considerate. He’s surprised, thankful but she also keeps going and he can’t bare it. “Was that it?”

Aaron shudders. “I just … couldn’t … didn’t want to … stop. Didn’t care.” He wipes the tears that are falling down his face. He didn’t care that it was breaking Nathan, or that it was leading Robert on, or that he kept agreeing to more and more from Nathan and only making all of this harder to face.

He didn’t care because he could keep Robert.

Chas sighs. “This … just isn’t you.”

Aaron gulps hard, doesn’t know what to say.

“Has he got something on you?”

“What?” Aaron asks. “No. No. Nothing.”

“So why keep doing it? You were engaged for God’s –”

He watches it click in her mind, her eyes widen, and she looks like she’s realising something that he doesn’t want her to know.

“It was before?” Chas’ eyes flicker. “The way you paused. You paused. When Nathan asked you.” Chas shakes her head.

“What do you want me to say?” Aaron blurts out. His face is bright red and hitches a breath as he sees that she looks absolutely shocked and flawed and almost disgusted.

“I want you to say if you love this Robert or not?”

Aaron’s heart pounds and the question throws him so much that he doesn’t speak for at least ten seconds.

“Why would you _even_ …”

Chas leans over him, looks all serious. “Because this isn’t some midlife crisis quickie’s in a car park sort of thing. If it was, he’d be laying in a hospital bed by now for just blowing it all to Nathan. But he’s not. Is he?”

Aaron sometimes forgets that she knows him, not well enough, not like most mum’s can say, but she knows him. His eyes flicker and he suddenly stands.

“Where are you going?”

“Away from this.” Aaron shouts. He pushes the back door open and sees his car still parked up from hours before. He doesn’t wait a second before he’s driving off.

\--

Robert knocks on the door and then takes a step back. He hasn’t spoken since he left Aaron’s, but he feels like his mouth has never been as dry as this. He breathes in, and out, and then suddenly the door is being opened and he’s staring at Katie. Katie, of all people. He feels nineteen again, longer hair and broader shoulders and still the same scars stretched over his body. She looks at him with wide eyes like she didn’t expect him, like she gets to be shocked that she’s opening the door to his mum’s house.

“Where’s – Vic?”

Katie looks at him up and down and he wonders if she can tell there is something wrong with him. He hasn’t seen her for years, he’s kept that distance, not even been tempted to look her up on Instagram and see what’s going on with her horse empire she seems to be trying to build. He sort of wishes he had done now; he wouldn’t have to stare at her for this long and take her in. Her hair is longer, curled more at the bottom and she’s in some frilly maxi dress patterned with purple flowers. Anyone would think she was an Angel or something.

She doesn’t say anything. She just turns and then Vic is at the door with this frown on her face.

“Oh. _Now_ he wants to see me.” Vic says. She folds her arms over and Katie disappears from sight. He finally loosens his shoulders, breathes out this harsh sigh. “What’s happened?”

Robert shudders. “I told him.”

Vic frowns, she looks like she doesn’t understand. Her arms are still folded, and he can hear his mum and Andy laughing in the corner and he wants to turn back around. He almost goes to when she speaks again.

“As in …” Robert nods his head slowly. “You told Nathan about you and Aaron?”

Robert gulps hard. “I just … snapped. I couldn’t do it anymore.” He says, then Vic is pushing him out the door and they’re walking towards the edge of the farm as he tries to explain. He mentions Sonny’s kid, he mentions the stag, he mentions the fact that he can’t think straight anymore.

The moon is high in the sky as she turns towards him, face paling and eyes even wider than before now.

“What exactly did you say?”

“Everything Vic.” Robert whispers. He looks down. “I wanted to hurt him, destroy everything because it was so easy for him to watch me walk away. So easy.” His jaw clenches. “Like it was nothing. Like we were …”

Vic closes her eyes.

“He said he didn’t want me. How he feels … it’s too much for him. So he doesn’t want it.” Robert’s voice is controlled, he keeps staring up at the moon and then he breathes out. Just chucked me away when it got too much for him.

Vic frowns. “And you couldn’t just let him?”

“Let him what? Go back to his stag, play happy families, have Nathan think he’s marrying this top bloke.”

“This wasn’t about Nathan.” Vic hisses. She seems angry, or frustrated. “Don’t pretend like you were doing it for him.”

“No.” Robert shouts. “I was doing it for me. I was thinking of me. Not him. For the first time in months, my mind wasn’t focused on his feelings. Why should they be?” Robert shrugs. “When he doesn’t give a toss about mine.”

Vic doesn’t say anything. He studies how stunned she looks, the way she chews at her lip like she’s attempting to say something that’ll make things easier.

“What did Nathan say?”

Robert huffs. “Not a lot.” He says. His jaw tightens again. “I didn’t even care.” He shakes his head, squints. “Just wanted to hurt Aaron. Take everything from him.” He closes his eyes. “I couldn’t just leave it.” He says.

Vic sighs.

“It’s what I do.” Robert feels this twisting inside his chest, and he looks towards the window again. “I couldn’t … I couldn’t just …”

Vic looks down. “Walk away?”

Robert dips his head. “You were right. You were …”

Vic sighs gently and then she’s on her tiptoes and she’s pulling her brother down into her arms. He’s certain he looks like a giraffe, but she doesn’t let him go, just rubs at his back and eventually he buries his head into her shoulder. He’s not crying. He won’t. But then his mum comes out, inspects the situation and she’s a mum, so it’s like she just knows.

“Nathan knows?”

Robert pulls away from Vic. “Yeah.” He whispers. “I told him mum, I told him everything.”

Sarah looks at him like she sort of expected it. He didn’t. He never expected to want to do this, to hurt Aaron the way Aaron’s hurt him. He thought he could bury it. He has been. He has. Sarah sighs, and then she’s shaking her head and then squeezing his hand.

“You were bound to snap.” Sarah says, crosses her arms. “But why? Why would you … you could have just walked away.”

“I thought he’d never give me reason to.” Robert tells her. “I had that plan didn’t I? Turns out, it was his stag do today. Hours after he’s with me, in his car.” Sarah rolls her eyes, keeps something in. “He wasn’t even going to tell me mum. So I snapped and we argued and he … I said I couldn’t do this, that he’d never chose me, and he didn’t correct me did he?”

Sarah gulps. “Love …”

“You knew. Vic knew. Aaron knew.” Robert’s eyes are wet, and he clears his throat to stop it. “Everyone but me.”

Vic squeezes his arm. “He’s a cheat Rob. Nothing more.”

Robert supposes he shouldn’t still have this defensive streak running through him over this. He should be agreeing immediately, nodding his head, telling them both how right they are. Something is stuck in his throat though. He sees Aaron pulling the covers over them both, Aaron’s hands just resting on his face as they kissed and kissed and kissed. He pulls his head down, stares at the dirt.

“He got in too deep with you.” Vic says. She’s speaking quicker now. “That’s what he meant about not wanting you, or how he felt about you. He wanted safe, boring Nathan.”

“Yeah and now he’s got neither.” Sarah says, she sounds happy and sad at the same time. Robert hears it, tilts his head up just a fraction and wonders if his mum has this shred of guilt, or empathy for Aaron, if she really did believe it was only a matter of time before Aaron was turning up with everything he owns at Robert’s flat and saying he’s all his if he’ll have him. It somehow manages to make everything about this worse.

“Exactly what he deserves.” Vic pulls a face. “Still don’t know what he was even thinking, just acting like some sort of double agent with the pair of you, who does that?”

“OK Vic …” Sarah says, she gives her this look like she shouldn’t keep banging on but she either ignores it or misses it because she does, keep banging on.

“I mean … you’re not a doormat. You’re all about revenge, scheming, getting your own back. If he really knew you than he should have known it was bound to come out like that? I mean –”

Robert thinks about that. He thinks about the fact that maybe Aaron never really knew him, maybe Aaron really never even tried to. He just saw the bits he wanted and ignored the rest. Aaron was _always_ ignoring the rest.

Robert nods his head slowly and then looks up when he sees Andy and Katie poking their heads out the front door.

“It’s not that bad is it?” Andy’s saying and Robert has absolutely no idea what he’s on about, but his mum and Vic seem to because their eyes are wide, and they almost try talking over him. Sarah walks towards them but Andy steps out, looks nervous as he stares at Robert.

“We didn’t know you’d be here but … I mean … it’s not that big of a deal that you are. Is it?” Andy’s got a drink in his hand, nice enough yet boring looking jumper on and this smile on his face. He looks like a kid.

Robert just squints at him, fights against the chill of the night air and the way his sister looks like things are suddenly awkward. Robert just shakes his head, reasons that Andy’s on about their sort of truce in the hospital, how they’ve seen each other since then.

“Well uh …” Andy looks towards the door frame where Katie’s still standing like a spare part. Robert suddenly understands that they’re all out here in the dead of night because of his dramatic arrival, the way Vic had to drag him outside. He suddenly thinks of what he was ruining or imposing on.

“Well what?”

Andy looks over at Katie again, nods his head and she shrugs back.

“Katie’s pregnant.” Andy says. He looks so happy and his mum smiles like hearing the news again is just everything. Robert remembers hearing that Katie couldn’t have kids, he supposes this is some sort of miracle. It explains the soft lighting of the kitchen. He looks and sees through the window, the non-alcoholic champagne and little bowels of crisps and nuts. He sees and then looks at his brother.

“Wow.” Robert says slowly. “Amazing. That’s … wow.”

He doesn’t really have any words for Andy. He’s happy for him but it doesn’t overshadow how empty he feels. Somehow he thinks of Katie choosing Andy all those years ago, them getting their happily ever after. He feels out in the cold, feels the way Aaron stared at him as he left his flat hours ago. Robert’s heart pounds, once, twice and then relaxes down again as he slips into this numb feeling.

Andy offers him a drink, and then a look and Robert follows him back inside cautiously. He tries to pretend like everything is fine for just a little while longer.

\--

Aaron leans up against the window of his car. Somehow he’s managed to pass out against the wheel. He’s got a bottle of something in his hand and he doesn’t even remember buying it. He supposes he’s lucky he isn’t dead. Then he looks around and sees where he is. He’s driven up to the cricket pavilion he used to spend hours sitting by when he was younger, he suddenly remembers turning the engine off before downing the whole bottle. It must have been hours ago. He rolls onto his right side and sees that his phone is on 3%. He’s got four missed calls from his mum, from hours ago considering it’s nearly two in the morning.

He stares up at the pitch-black sky, the stars, the moon and then down towards the way the light reflects off of his engagement ring. It’s just there, looking at him, mocking him. He squeezes his eyes shut, thinks of Nathan and how he never ever wanted it to be like this. He never wanted to see Nathan look at him in that way. It’s what he was attempting to avoid for _so_ long.

Aaron turns slowly, pulls a face as he feels the bruising from the way Sonny punched him earlier. He hisses before seeing his cowboy hat against the backseat. He stares at it for what feels like ages before he’s slowly picking it up and feeling tears swell in his eyes. His mind screams about how sorry he is, about how much he hates Robert for the way he had to ruin it all, about how much Nathan will always hate him.

He moves a thumb gently over the top of the hat before he’s pushing himself out of the car and throwing the hat as far as he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaron ... meet rock bottom ! 
> 
> i was pretty nervous about how this chapter would be received but i do hope you enjoyed the dramaaaaaa


	35. A talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron faces Nathan. Robert is met with criticism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy enjoy enjoy 8k words of Stuff lol

Aaron wakes up to a thud against the sole of his foot, it kicks once and then twice and then stops. He squints before feeling something being opened and then being squirted on him. It makes him jump up and then groan because the sun is so bright, and he feels like death. He squints again, shields his face as he sees that his uncle is standing above him with this disgusted look his face.

“Oh. It lives.” Cain says drily before he’s taking a step back. “And stinks.” He says, waving the half empty water bottle out in front of Aaron’s face. “Don’t go considering that a shower.”

Aaron eventually sits up, still squinting against the sun and groaning. He licks his lips, tastes the water and then closes his eyes shut again. “What are you doing?”

Cain rolls his eyes. “Your mum tried holding some sort of family meeting, rescuing you from yourself or whatever. You know. That yearly thing.”

Aaron’s jaw locks at that. He remembers how it went when he was younger, when he came out and everyone was worried about him, and he hated himself and everyone was worried about him, and then he got a boyfriend, and everyone was worried about him. Then Jackson died, his self-harming started, and everyone became even more worried about him. He remembers when his uncle Cain began to see him as more than just a little nuisance, his sister’s useless son. It was when everyone started to see him as more that he started to see himself as even less.

“Didn’t need to find me.” Aaron says. “Don’t want to be … found.”

Cain huffs and then looks towards Aaron’s car. “Couldn’t be bothered to crawl a few more feet to sleep in your car then?”

Aaron doesn’t say anything. He gulps hard and tilts his head. He figures if he carries on ignoring Cain, he’ll eventually leave. He waits in silence, the birds start chirping, making his head bang.

“Could have frozen to death.” Cain sounds serious and he basically pokes around the idea of Aaron trying to hurt himself. He’s so deliberate and obvious with it though that it’s almost boring.

Aaron just stares up at him. “It weren’t that cold.” He says, mainly because he can’t actually remember if it was or not. He didn’t wake up in the middle of the night feeling like his balls had frozen or whatever, so he was fine.

“You just going to sit here for the rest of your life then?” Cain asks.

Aaron doesn’t know what he’s playing at really. Cain isn’t a talker any more than Sam is, or his uncle Zack. Dingle men don’t talk feelings. Apart from Marlon maybe. He imagines Marlon standing over him right now, his lanky frame blocking out the sun. He’s suddenly grateful that it’s Cain here.

“What’s it to do with you?”

Cain pulls a face. “Nowt.” He shrugs his shoulders, looks across the field. “Suppose your fella might have something to say about that though. Nathan, like.”

Aaron scowls up, tilts his head. “Is that meant to be funny?”

Cain frowns. “No.” He says. “I don’t think Nathan thinks any of this is funny.”

Aaron gulps. “And I do?”

“Well you’ve spent the night on a cricket pavilion field mate.”

“Yeah ‘cause I can’t face anything.” Aaron shouts, louder than he expected. His head bangs and he shuts his eyes tightly before Cain is sighing hard, crouching down so that he can look Aaron in the eye. “Because I’m a coward.”

Cain pulls this face. “You had an affair. He says. “Not left someone for dead. Mind you, more or less following the Dingle way aren’t you?” He pulls another face. “Our Belle was the other woman a couple of months ago, Kim Tate’s weed of a son. I said he was way too …”

“You’re not making this better.” Aaron says quickly.

Cain leans his head back. “I’m not here to do that. You are.”

Aaron frowns. “I’ve been sleeping with another bloke for months on end, not left the top off the toothpaste off. I can’t just go back and make it nice.”

“Would you want to?”

Aaron catches his breath. “You what?”

“Make it nice. Even if you could. You had an affair for a reason, no?”

Aaron feels this flush of something hit him, he breathes in and then out and thinks of Robert so suddenly that he aches. “I never wanted to hurt Nathan. For him to find out like that.”

Cain gulps thickly. “This Robert, just … told him everything.” Cain looks down at the ground. “Must mean something that.”

“That he’s a bastard.” Aaron stares at his knuckles, nails digging and then stopping when he thinks of how Robert used to tell him not to.

Cain arches an eyebrow, draws his eyes over his nephew. “Want me to sort him out for you?”

Aaron wakes up at that. “What?”

Cain shrugs. “Well I thought that’s where you’d got to last night but clearly not. I could sort it for you if you want, make sure he won’t make it any …”

“No.” Aaron says firmly. “Leave it.”

Cain nods his head slowly. “Right.” He says before sighing again. “Come on.”

“What?”

“I’ll drive you back to the village, you ain’t up to it in your state.”

Aaron watches as Cain walks to Aaron’s car and chucks out the empty bottle on the passenger seat.

\--

Aaron walks in on his mum talking to someone on the phone, she sounds nervous, confused, worried even and then his presence stops her in her tracks. She tells whoever it was that she’ll have to call them back.

“That was Sam. He said he thought he saw you up at Wishing Well, but it was a stray dog instead.”

Aaron doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He opts for a nod of his head. “I need a shower.” He settles on saying.

For a second he thinks it’s enough but then Chas is following him straight up the stairs. “Oh no you don’t.” She pulls him back and he pushes her hand away. “You need to give me some answers. Like, let’s start with where you were last night.”

Aaron twitches. “Slept in my car.” He says.

“You have a room here.” Aaron scowls. Chas waves a hand out. “Well, I know I sort of decorated but …”

“I don’t give a toss about the room.”

“Well what do you give a toss about then? Because it certainly isn’t Nathan.”

Aaron’s face drops and Chas’ eyes widen.

“OK. That was … I’m sorry.” Chas sighs, places a hand on her hip. “I’m just _trying_ to understand how could you throw away everything you and Nathan had like that? For some bloke who just told him everything in the end anyway?”

_I left him with no choice._

_He was always going to do it._

The thoughts push and pull in his mind.

“I need a shower.” Aaron tells her. Again.

“No. No, you need to _talk_ to me.” Chas tells him. “Not have me up half the night worrying where you are. I thought I heard you come in, but it clearly wasn’t you.”

Aaron has his head down and yet he knows Chas is still looking at him like she wants to shake some answers out of him.

“How long have you been …” Chas sighs. “Playing away?” She tries to make it sound less than it is, and Aaron knows he shouldn’t be angry now it’s over, but he is.

“A while.” Aaron gives her. “Since … he started.” He says. “At work, months, it’s been months.”

Chas closes her eyes. “You need to tell Nathan all of this.”

“What? Why?” Aaron panics.

“Because you owe it to him.” Chas says. “Because Aaron, it’s the decent thing to do. If there’s any chance of putting things back on –”

“He hates me mum.” Aaron shouts, can’t quite believe her. “Last night was our stag do and he had to have some guy he doesn’t even know tell him that he’s been having an affair with his fiancé.” Aaron’s eyes swell with tears. “Details. Times. Where _he_ was when it was happening. You think whatever I say is going to make a difference?”

“That depends.”

Aaron scoffs. “On what?”

“How much you want it to.” Chas says. She’s Cain suddenly. He absolutely doesn’t need this sort of deep and meaningful right now.

Aaron leans against the wall of the landing and shuts his eyes. “I’m having a shower.” He says. “Just leave it.” He says before walking up the stairs and deciding that he has to face Nathan at some point, and it has to be today.

\--

Robert wakes up in his mum’s tiny box room. He kicks his leg out and manages to catch the little lamp resting on the cabinet. It twists and falls to the ground and the sound is enough to wake the living dead so naturally Sarah is opening the door with her little dressing gown on and eyes just about as wide as they can get.

“Sorry.” Robert mumbles, he sits up and leans over to inspect the situation. His mum is already picking it up and holding the pieces in both hands. He pales. “I’ll fix it.”

“It won’t be that easy.” Sarah says. She doesn’t look angry at him and Robert remembers that he isn’t actually a little boy who’s going to be grounded for this. The thought makes him smile slightly and then he’s back to feeling what he was before, this numbness.

Sarah sits at the edge of the bed; his feet still poke out a little, but she doesn’t comment on it. He sits up as she stares at him with round eyes.

“You know, I didn’t have to stay last night.” Robert tells her. “I was more than capable of driving home.”

Sarah leans out, combs a hand through his hair silently. “I know.” She says. “But it’s Sunday isn’t it? Sunday lunch.” She nods. “So you might as well have stayed.”

Robert pulls this face. “Meaning, you wanted me to help you cook.” He wishes that was it. Sarah gives him this look like she knows that he knows that it’s more than that. He wants to stay in the moment, not mention anything but then Sarah’s sighing.

“You’re going to have to talk about things you know.” Sarah tells him.

“About what?” Robert shrugs back and shudders. “It’s over. Finally. You should be happy.”

Sarah leans over again and holds him by the chin. Robert’s hit by the way Aaron used to do the same thing right before he’d say something soft and reassuring and it would make Robert’s heart race and melt at the same time. “I’m only happy when you are.”

Robert gulps. “Well I will be.” He says. “So don’t worry.” He tells her. “You’re going to be a grandma.” He thinks of Andy’s happiness. He was sort of up the whole night thinking about how he couldn’t sit back and let Aaron and Nathan be happy and then there was Andy with the best news possible. It feels like karma, or irony. Somehow Robert can’t escape the feeling of being surrounded by other people being happier than he is.

“Or Nan. I haven’t decided yet.” Sarah says, practically beaming with pride.

Robert smiles back, thin, barely there but genuine. He leans down when he sees that he’s got an email, he scans and then groans when he realises that work want him to come in tomorrow. He suddenly thinks of them knowing already and his mind instantly runs to Leyla. It would mean that Nathan told her. It would mean that Nathan told everyone and there’s nothing much he can do about the uneasy dip in his stomach as he swallows the news of it.

Later, Sarah pokes him about having to go and get some things for lunch and he jumps at the chance of leaving for a bit. It’s mainly because he needs a second to just be on his own with all of this. It makes him drive into town, makes him walk around a supermarket for the best part of an hour looking at how ripe the tomatoes are like _anyone_ really gives a real shit.

It’s something to focus on, so he does just that. He does until he’s leaving again, walking through the car park with shopping bags in hand and he suddenly has something else to focus on. Mainly the weird guy looking at him from across the road. For a second, he ignores it. Only then the guy is actually crossing the road with a face like absolute thunder and Robert gets his back up.

“Do I know you?” Robert asks, to be polite, to scare the guy off, to do something.

The guy doesn’t say anything, he just swings out his fists and Robert manages to duck in time. The next thing he knows, he’s being slammed against his car by the bloke and he has to hold in his breath to stop from gasping.

“You’re not going _anywhere_ mate.” The guy says. “You don’t get to walk away from what you’ve done.”

It sort of clicks in Robert’s head after that. It’s from the way the guy looks like he’s clearing trying to do the whole cold turkey thing, from the loose grip he’s trying to hold against Robert’s neck and the twitching of his right eye.

“You’re Nathan’s brother.”

Sonny throws him this look. “Yeah. And you’re a piece of shit.”

Robert’s shoulders instantly relax, and the intimidation just sort of flies out the window. Sonny keeps his arm pressed against Robert’s neck as Robert tries to pull himself up.

“Where’d you get off on it huh? Sleeping with that little prick when he was _clearly_ not yours.”

Robert gulps hard. To be fair to Sonny, it’s a new question. He hasn’t actually been asked that before now. His mum has disapproved, and Vic’s been more than blunt about things but it’s weird having it come from someone he’s so far removed from. The question instantly makes him feel absolutely embarrassed, and then there’s this wave of guilt hitting him over the idea that he took any joy out of actively contributing to someone’s pain.

It makes him sound sadistic.

Suddenly Robert realises that he’s really going in deep here in the whole self-hate side of his brain so he reacts as best he can.

“What are you going to do about it? Huh, beat me up?”

Sonny breathes in and he looks absolutely mad. “You’re going to pay. That’s how. A black eye won’t cut it for Aaron either so don’t worry mate, he won’t be missing out.”

Robert feels a jolt of something hit him and he kicks out, aims for Sonny’s crotch and watches as he doubles over in pain for a second. Robert takes the time to lean closer, pull at Sonny’s hair just for a second. “Now you listen to me, I know all about Penny mate. And you and your love for questionable substances, _one_ word from me to the social and she’ll be off your hands so fast you won’t know what’s hit you.”

Sonny groans as Robert pulls away from him. He looks up at Robert, half surprised, and half spurred on to do some proper damage. The thing is, for a second, Robert sort of wants him to. It’s why he doesn’t move when Sonny pushes him against his car again.

“You’re not getting away with this. Whatever the fuck you think you can do.”

Robert’s eyes dart. “Did Nathan put you up to this?” He watches as Sonny looks away. “No. So you’re just being an embarrassment, look me up did you? Strike lucky that I’m here right now. I doubt you’re smart enough to do any—”

“Yeah? Well that’s where you’re wrong. I knew, I always knew he was up to no good and I was right.” Sonny smirks, shakes his head.

“You want a medal or something?”

“No. I want him to pay for what he did.”

“Yeah?” Robert pushes at Sonny again. “You even think of trying anything and your precious Penny will be gone.” He clicks his fingers, smirks. “Just like that.”

Sonny’s eyes flicker and Robert’s never been so thankful for a baby in his whole life. He doesn’t know this twat, but he knows enough and it’s clearly already his tiny little pressure point. It makes Sonny start backing away from him.

“You know, don’t know who is sadder, my brother for turning a blind eye or you for knowing he was with someone else and _still_ sticking around.”

Robert doesn’t say anything. He feels like he can’t suddenly. Instead he just watches as Sonny walks away and he finally opens the boot of his car.

“Neither do I.” Robert mumbles to himself.

\--

Aaron stares at the door for so long. He studies every inch of it as he debates whether or not to knock or use his key. It hangs in his jacket pocket, seems to be burning a hole. Aaron blinks, his mouth dry as he decides to knock. It takes a while, but Nathan eventually comes to the door.

He looks like he’s seen a ghost, he’s pale, worn. Aaron knows it’s his doing.

“I needed to …”

Nathan doesn’t shut the door in his face. He just walks back into the flat and disappears into their bedroom. He reappears a few minutes later with bags of what Aaron quickly realises are his clothes.

“Nathan.”

“Here.” Nathan says, he chucks one and it lands right in front of Aaron’s feet. Aaron stares down at it and then up at Nathan again. “You either take them, or I bin them. You’ve come for them right?”

Aaron’s shoulders tighten. “No.” He says. “I’ve come because we … I owe you …”

“Nothing. It seems.” Nathan’s wearing an old hoodie and his hair looks weird being so flat against his head. “You don’t owe me a thing, right? And I don’t owe you anything either. So just go.”

“I can’t just go.” Aaron blurts out and then he’s coming towards Nathan. “I’m so sorry.” He blurts out. “I’m so …”

“No you’re not.” Nathan says quietly. He looks like he’s cried it all out, he looks so quiet and like he’s considering every single thing he says so carefully. Aaron can only stare with his mouth half open. “Because an _affair_ … that’s a choice.” He says. “That’s … you _choosing_ to be with someone else over me.”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut. “I know.” He says. His face suddenly aches from Sonny’s dramatics and he tries not to pay it any mind.

Nathan breathes in. “I kept going over it.” He says. “What he said. I thought … maybe this is all some big misunderstanding because you’re not that bloke. You don’t do that.”

“I know.”

“Stop _saying_ that you _know_.” Nathan loses it. Aaron almost welcomes the way he shouts. He holds his breath as he waves a hand out. “I kept thinking that we were happy.” He chews his lip. “So it didn’t make any fucking sense but … all those times we argued you were …”

Aaron looks away. “That was before.” He says quickly. “That was … it was meaningless one-night stands after I’d convinced myself that you shouldn’t be with me, that was …”

“Different was it?” Nathan spits and then he’s shaking his head, laughing bitterly. “It just gets … worse.”

Aaron breathes in. “I was …”

“So fucking guys in some grubby nightclub was just because? It was _different_ to you and this _Robert_.”

Aaron feels so dirty. He feels his heart pound. “I’d be angry, we’d have just had a fight or something and I’d … I’d regret it straight after.”

Nathan huffs. “Great, cheers. But Robert …”

Aaron rubs a hand over his face. “I just couldn’t …”

“Couldn’t _what_? Think of anyone but yourself?” Nathan stands taller. “I know that’s always been your thing. God, your boyfriend was a paraplegic but somehow it’s always still _you_ people feel sorry for when they mention Jackson.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “That’s not fair.” He says, because it makes his heart thud hard. “Have you always thought that?”

It’s suddenly uglier than Aaron anticipated.

Nathan dips his head. Aaron can tell that he feels bad just by the way he tilts his head and doesn’t meet Aaron’s eyes.

“I didn’t …” Nathan stumbles on his words and Aaron puts him out of his misery by shaking his head at him.

It’s quiet for a second before Nathan is staring down at the bin bags.

“You couldn’t help yourself.” Nathan says. “Because it wasn’t meaningless. Was it?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “It was … I just couldn’t walk away.” He says. “And I was stupid and reckless, and I thought that if I didn’t tell you than you wouldn’t get hurt.” He keeps going, sort of wishes that Nathan would sort of intervene and make all of this less painful. He shudders when Nathan just pulls this face like things are clicking into place for him.

“Wouldn’t get hurt?” Nathan says. “I found out in the _worst_ possible way.”

Aaron gulps thickly, feels like he’s going to be sick. “I didn’t want you to … I didn’t want you to find out like that.”

“But I did.” Nathan shouts. “Because what? You pissed him off?”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut like he doesn’t want to answer. “He found out it was our stag do.”

Nathan huffs. He doesn’t say anything for a second and then he starts pacing the room. “Wasn’t too keen then was he?”

Aaron looks away, wincing slightly.

“That was it? He wasn’t keen. He wanted you for himself, right?” Nathan’s asking. “Aaron. Speak.”

“Yes.” Aaron blurts out. He’s crying now, tears rolling down his face. “He’d had enough of … being second best, I pushed him. But I didn’t expect him to …”

“Push back.” Nathan whispers. He looks down and then slowly looks up again. “He loves you then?”

Aaron gulps hard. The L word creeps up again, and he can’t handle it. He doesn’t give Nathan an answer. He looks around the room and then he’s slowly nodding his head. Nathan pulls a hand over his face and then he’s walking towards the window.

“Nathan, I wish I didn’t …”

“What?” Nathan spins suddenly. “Fuck randoms? Then fuck some prat you work with? What?” He shouts, keeps shouting and then he breathes in like he’s just come up for air. “No. None of that. You wish …” He gulps. “You didn’t love him back? You wish you weren’t in love with him too?”

Aaron feels goose bumps scatter across his arms, and he can’t breathe against every single time he’s thought of how much he loves Robert. He remembers how overwhelming the feeling is, always. He remembers how this time yesterday; he couldn’t think of any other way to describe what he felt for him.

“I … love _you_.” Aaron says.

Nathan huffs. “Doesn’t answer me. You love him? You’ve _fallen in love_ with _him_? Is that it?”

Aaron shudders. “I …”

“Why else would you carry on? You just got a _kick_ out of destroying us?”

Aaron’s eyes wide. “I hated myself.”

“You always do.” Nathan blurts out. Then he takes a step towards the window again. “Just tell me the truth.”

Aaron feels like he’s going to be sick again. He thinks of the amount of alcohol he had last night, how he was lucky he didn’t do any more damage to himself than he has done. He feels lightheaded until he’s nodding and there’s this bout of relief followed by this feeling of getting punched in the stomach. It’s just Nathan’s face. His face.

“I did, I did but if you think I can now than … you’re mad Nath. Not after how he …”

“No.” Nathan says. “No, I’m mad … I’m the headcase for believing in us. For thinking that you were special. I believed you every single time. _Every single time_. Over my own _brother_.” Aaron looks away. “I could have – we could have stopped speaking because of you. He … he could have died because you were _fucking_ this guy.”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut. “It wasn’t like that.”

“What? Oh sorry. I’m _so sorry_ that I’ve stamped all over your delicate little love affair.” Nathan says. He breathes in and then out again. “I proposed to you. I planned our wedding. _We_ planned our wedding.”

Aaron wipes the tears from his face. “I just couldn’t hurt you.” He says. “Nath, you mean so much to me.”

Nathan scoffs. He looks away from the window and then sighs. “You know, I always doubted that. Thought it was a me thing, you know, _way_ too insecure. But then you arranged that hotel. The fancy one.” Aaron looks away. “You know that’s when I knew. I knew that I wanted to spend my life with you, and it wasn’t even for me. How sad is that?”

Aaron bends his head. “I’m sorry.”

Nathan pulls this face. “It’s been going on that long?” He whispers, like it’s all just finally started connecting in his mind. “Since when?”

Aaron shudders. “A … a bit after he started working with me. We had an argument, I … I don’t even remember what about and I kissed him.”

Nathan’s eyes fill with tears. “Did more than that though didn’t you.” He has a hand on his hip, and he breathes in before laughing bitterly. “Robert. New guy at work.” He nods his head slowly. “I remember you mentioned him. I met him when I came to see you at work, banged on about mindless shit to him. Seemed nice enough.” He huffs. “Were you just laughing at me the whole time?”

Aaron runs a hand across his face. “No. Of course not. It wasn’t to hurt you. It wasn’t about that … I just didn’t know what to do.”

“You could have stopped cheating on me, that would have been a start.” Nathan scowls. “But you couldn’t help yourself. Could you?”

“It wasn’t … it wasn’t like that.” Aaron breathes in. “Nathan, I tried telling you. _So_ many times.”

Nathan’s shoulders relax. “But what? Is this where you blame Sonny, or work, or how about Penny? Huh? A million and one excuses right?”

“No. No. I …” Aaron runs a hand through his hair. “I just couldn’t … find …”

Nathan breathes in tightly. “He could though couldn’t he? Stood there and told me all the times … how he _knew_ you.” Nathan’s eyes widen. “Rein your cheating fiancé in. Was that him?”

Aaron shakes his head. “No it was his sister, it wasn’t him.”

Nathan shudders. “Wow. Family affair then. Affair, didn’t even mean to do that but it fits doesn’t it.”

Aaron shuts his eyes. “I’m …”

“I thought he was mad; thought you’d done something dodgy or … _something_.” Nathan looks like he hasn’t slept all night, he shakes his head slowly like he’s almost in a daze. “But it all makes sense doesn’t it? Never wanted a house with me, you paused when I proposed. You paused. Was it because you wanted him? Was it?”

Aaron dips his head. “My head was all over the place.”

Nathan scoffs. “Poor you.” He breathes in. “Why couldn’t you just say no then?”

Aaron folds his arms over and then breathes in. “Because I wanted to be with you, I didn’t … I didn’t not want to marry you.” He stammers it out.

Nathan gulps thickly. “Charming.” He whispers.

“Nathan …”

“I thought you’d come here … maybe plead with me, say you’ll do anything to put it right but you’re not, are you?”

Aaron’s eyes dart. “I don’t deserve it.”

Nathan rolls his eyes, runs a hand over his face. “Poor little Aaron, doesn’t deserve any happiness does he? So he has to ruin it all for himself.”

“That’s not what I was doing.” Aaron says quickly. “You – you made me happy, so happy Nathan.”

Nathan pulls this face. “Never enough though right.” He whispers. Then he tilts his head. “You can go now.”

“Nathan.” Aaron steps forward. “Please, just let me …”

“What?” Nathan barks. “Make it up to me? Tell me this is all some sort of fucked up dream I’m having.”

“Time.” Aaron whispers. Almost to himself. “If we just have time … to … talk about things, than maybe you won’t …”

“Hate you?” Nathan steps forward. “For ruining my life, making me think I had a wedding to plan for, a house to get, a _future_ with you. Only you could ruin it all and then want to try and fix it all again.”

Aaron’s chin wobbles. “I want to. I want to fix it. I do.”

“How?” Nathan says coldly. “You broke it. You.”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut. “You …” He breathes in sharply. “You need to know that you didn’t … you didn’t deserve any of this, you deserve so much more than …”

Nathan gulps hard. “Here he goes.” He looks out the window again. “Aaron hates himself, what a _shocker_.” He says. Then he steps forward. “It might sound mad to you, but guess what Aaron? I hate you even _more_ than you could hate yourself for fucking someone else for months and months.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and his eyes swell with tears. “I never wanted …”

“You like a parrot.” Nathan says, eyes beady. “Always sorry. I always fell for it.”

“It wasn’t an act.” Aaron tells him.

“No. Me and you. That was the act.” Nathan almost laughs. “Robert.” He says. “New guy at work, award winning Robert, the one you nearly fell off your seat applauding.” Aaron’s eyes flicker. “I saw. Just ignored it. Suppose this is all my fault really.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “No. No it’s … it’s all me. It’s me and I can’t tell you how much I … I didn’t want this.”

Nathan gulps thickly and his face hardens. “Yeah well. The prat did me a favour didn’t he?” Aaron hears his own words ring in his ears from yesterday, hears Robert whisper them back spitefully. “Looks like he did himself one too. Guess we’re _both_ done with you now. What a shame.” Aaron feels this sense of loneliness cause his chest to practically cave in. Nathan sniffs loudly and then clears his throat. “You need to leave now.”

“But …”

“Sonny’ll be back soon, and this time big great uncle Cain isn’t here to save you.” Nathan looks so hurt, Aaron sees it, feels it. “So get lost. Now.”

Aaron looks down at the bags by his feet and picks them up slowly. He’s nearly by his car when he sees Sonny start marching towards him like some sort of twat. Aaron’s been trying to avoid this; he fumbles for his keys and he’s about to say he doesn’t want any trouble when Sonny opens his fat gob.

“Yeah, go on. Piss off.”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m going.”

“Yeah, and you’re not coming back. I’ll make sure of that.” Sonny smirks. Aaron resists the urge to punch him. “All that time, making out like I was mad when all the time you were shagging some blond barbie doll.”

Aaron’s jaw locks. He knows he should be in his car by now. Instead he takes his time slowly putting his stuff in the boot of his car.

“Quite the mouth he’s got on him right?” Aaron looks up slowly. “Yeah, we had a little … chat I’d say. Though I don’t think he appreciated when I –”

Aaron lunges forward, punches out and watches Sonny fall to the ground in a sorry heap. It feels like payback for yesterday and the bruise that’s forming on Aaron’s face. It isn’t about that though. It’s about what he just said and the images that are bouncing across Aaron’s mind right this minute.

“Just stay the fuck away from him, this … this ain’t on him.” Aaron says, voice shaky as he stares down at his knuckle.

Sonny gets his feet, smirks. “Ow. That hurt. Cheers. It’s just more evidence for Nathan.”

Aaron can’t imagine Nathan hating him even more than he does now, so he hardly reacts to what he’s just said. He just dips his head down and then scans over Sonny’s knuckles, sees no scratches or scars but it doesn’t seem to lessen the noise fizzing around in his head.

“You hurt Robert?” Aaron’s eyes widen, and he ignores what Sonny’s just said. “Did you hurt him or –”

Sonny huffs. “What would you do about it if I did, huh?”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “You wouldn’t want to know mate.” He says. Aaron supposes he should calm down, but he balls his fists even tighter when Sonny laughs at him.

“You’re _proper_ pathetic mate.” He says, then he looks down at the bin bags Nathan’s packed for Aaron and he smiles. “Go on, _clear_ off.”

Aaron contains himself. He could hurt Sonny. He could put him back in hospital. He wants to, so suddenly he wants to. Then he thinks of Nathan, and Penny, and the fact that it’s not Sonny’s fault.

It’s all him.

Aaron gets into his car; watches Sonny walk into Nathan’s and then he fumbles for his phone and suddenly wants to see how Robert is. He breathes in as he looks down at his number and then he freezes. He thinks of the fact that Robert told Nathan and didn’t care about the consequences.

He thinks about the fact that Robert is not his problem anymore. He’s made that so clear.

He puts the phone back down.

\--

Later, Andy comes for Sunday lunch and so does Mark. He makes this awkward joke at first about not seeing the dragon with all three heads before and Robert just looks over at his sister and brother before Mark is laughing and his mum is giving him this look that tells him to behave. He does. He’s quiet whilst Sarah cooks and Andy bores Mark to death. It gives him the chance to think and stare out the window and wonder if the small chance that Nathan’s taking Aaron back like nothing ever happened, is real.

“Penny for them.” Vic says. Robert turns to her and she passes him over a bottle of beer. He takes it with a nod. “I uh … I don’t want to make it worse. Like with the whole … note.”

Robert huffs. “Well at least that wasn’t as messy as what I did.” He says. “So you win there.”

Vic smiles brightly before her face falls. “Have you heard from him?”

Robert frowns. “What?”

“Aaron.” Vic leans closer. She shrugs. “I just wondered if …”

“If what? There’s literally _nothing_ else to say.” Robert says, but then he thinks about how true that statement is, he thinks about the possibility of never actually seeing Aaron again.

“Well you work together.”

Robert sobers.

“He’s bound to want to speak to you. Even if it’s to shout.”

“Well I’ll walk away.” Robert tells her. “I mean it, I’m done with it.” He waves a hand out. “He hurt me, so much. But I hurt him back, right where it hurts.”

“Yeah by telling Nathan you’re having an affair with his fiancé.”

“Was.” Robert’s jaw tightens and then he feels this need to look up. He watches as Andy stands in the door frame with this stupid wide-eyed look on his face like he isn’t quite sure he heard Robert right. “Andy …”

“Did you just say you’re having an affair?”

Vic sighs hard, stands in the middle of the both of them even though they are on opposite ends of the room. “Andy, leave it.”

“I’m asking him a simple question.” Andy comes into the room. “Is he at it again or not?”

Robert rolls his eyes hard. “Trust you to make it about yourself.” He says. “I knew it.” He crosses his arms over and thinks about just how well he actually knows his brother.

Andy just looks stunned beyond belief. “Well yeah. I was on the receiving end of the shock. So’s this Nathan by the sounds of it.”

“You shouldn’t have been listening.” Vic snaps. “There was a reason we didn’t tell you.”

Andy’s eyes widen. “Hang on, how long have you known?”

Vic squirms. “A while.” She shrugs. “And before you bang on, Robert knows that it’s less than ideal, but it has absolutely zero to do with you and Katie. OK?

“Apart from him ruining a relationship and then telling the guy all about it?”

Robert keeps his head down; he usually tries to block out the part of him that told Andy everything right after Katie said she loved him. He thought he was doing him a favour, for a second, and then he was just taking all this satisfaction from it until Katie was coming in and begging Andy not to listen.

At least Aaron didn’t do any of that in front of him.

Silver linings and all that.

“OK Andy.” Vic says, like he’s a kid.

“No. It ain’t OK.” Andy says, with this frown on his face. He looks upset suddenly. “I thought you’d changed.”

Robert’s jaw locks. “Not this again.”

“But you’re the same old bloke wanting to mess with other people’s relationships. Ruin things.”

Robert’s head shoots up. “Don’t.” He says.

“Why not? I’m right aren’t I?”

“No.” Robert thunders towards his brother. “You’re not. You’re very _simple_ and _wrong_.” Vic tries to speak but he shuts her down. “Because this was different.”

“What? It was a bloke this time was it? That don’t make the slightest bit of …”

It's like something just trips in Robert and he darkens. 

“Actually yeah. You’re right actually. It is no different because he chased after me exactly like Katie did.”

Andy lunges forward, has Robert against the wall within seconds thanks to his insane muscle mass. He presses and Robert finds the strength to break free. He pushes Andy back and then Vic is pulling him away.

“Enough.” Vic snaps. “OK. Both of you.” She stares at Andy. “This is why he didn’t want you to know.”

Andy pants. “No. He didn’t want me to know because he knows what he’s done, knows what I’d think.”

Robert huffs, his eye twitches against the truth of what Andy is saying. “Yeah, and what’s that?”

“That you go round being with people who you can’t have for some sort of sick thrill and you end up alone.”

Robert doesn’t stop him. He doesn’t _stop_ him.

“Because you’ll never learn will you?”

“Andy, leave it.” Vic is saying, for about the eightieth time.

“You lie and cheat and don’t care about hurting whoever’s in your way.” Andy says. He’s angry, it pours out of him and Robert thinks about whatever truce they called, how cheated Andy feels about the New and Approved Robert Jacob Sugden. Robert thinks of his dad for the smallest of seconds.

“Don’t.” Robert says, like it’s a warning.

Only Andy just doesn’t listen to it. He bangs on, and he keeps going and then Vic is telling him to pack it in.

Robert taps out, takes himself out of the situation mentally until he hears what he hears.

“Did you only end up telling his fella because you knew he’d never be in his right mind to choose …”

It sort of sets this fire in his belly going for the first time since yesterday when he was standing in front of Nathan and telling him how he could make his fucking fiancé moan in bed. He lunges forwards, swings his fist but Andy’s quicker and he gets hit in the face so hard that he just topples down to the ground.

Sarah races in, Mark standing next to her like he’s regretting entering this seemingly very boring country farm cottage for his Sunday lunch. Mark’s eyes dart like mad as Sarah screams at Andy and Vic runs to get some peas from the freezer for Robert. Eventually Robert staggers up. His mum is still shouting at Andy and Andy is still telling her that Robert’s never going to stop ruining people’s lives.

“What like you nearly did with me and mum?”

Sarah’s eyes widen and Mark mentally checks out. He just stands there like a wet fish.

Andy turns slowly towards his brother. “What?”

“Robert, that’s not … don’t.” Sarah is saying and she’s right, but Robert suddenly doesn’t even care. He just wants to hurt.

“I was a kid.” Andy says. “I didn’t mean to, you weren’t, and you always mean to. You _always_ mean to hurt people.”

“I don’t.” Robert whispers, his eyes fill with tears. “I loved her.” Robert doesn’t think he’s ever properly had this conversation with his brother. Maybe years back but Andy looks at him like he doesn’t remember. “And she chose you. And you chose her.”

“You’re still hung up on that?” Andy huffs. “So angry about it that you go around and do the same years later.”

Robert feels tears swim in his eyes, and he wants to scream no but nothing come outs. “She chose you; you chose her, and you got this happy ever after and I was this monster for years.” He says. “No one ever chooses me Andy; don’t you get that? It’s not about you but you just don't get that and …”

Andy bows his head; he relaxes the grip on his fists and breathes in. “Yeah, and you never bloody learn.” He booms, cutting the conversation off entirely as he barges past his brother and slams the door shut behind him as he goes.

Sarah gives Robert this look, and Vic passes over the packet of frozen peas. Robert places it on the side of his mouth and winces at the pain.

\--

Aaron walks through the door and then stops when he hears his mum’s voice. She’s in the back room, whispering and hissing and Aaron hasn’t got any energy for it. He doesn’t want to see her, doesn’t want her to see him standing there with a few bags by his feet and this look on his face like he can’t talk about it at all.

Aaron thinks about the fact that he still has more at Nathan’s, small things, things that made it his home too. He thinks about having to go back, having to face Nathan again and rehash everything. He owes it to him; he owes it to him to sit down and face whatever questions Nathan has. It’s too soon now, it’s too fresh.

Aaron goes to walk up the stairs when he hears Cain. He’s huffing and sighing and telling Chas to mind out and she’s barking right back and telling him that she can’t. Then there’s Liv. Aaron leans back against the wall, looks up at the stairs to his room and then turns away again when he hears his little sister.

“He’s screwed up big time here.” Liv sounds worried as she speaks, she sounds like his mum. He needs her to stop.

“On purpose.” Chas says. “Right?” Aaron scowls as he hears her. “He’s gone _out of his way_ to ruin his perfectly good relationship.”

Aaron wants to tell her that she doesn’t know a single thing about his relationship with Nathan. He wants to tell her that it’s always felt like a constant battle of proving that he was good enough for him.

“What are you trying to say?” Cain asks.

Chas huffs. “I’m _trying_ to say that this could be … his way of self-sabotaging.”

Aaron’s eyes widen as he thinks of him and Robert. Somehow the softness still seeps through. He’s pushing against the wall suddenly and pushing at the door to the backroom to see his mum and sister and Cain with this look on their faces.

“Self-harming you mean?”

“Love.” Chas says, and it’s when she says that, in that voice, that he can’t think straight. He suddenly feels like Jackson’s just died and he needs protecting against every single thing that could ever possibly go wrong. He breathes in, shakes his head and then tilts it. “We’re just …”

“This isn’t me self-harming. It’s got _nothin’_ to do with that.”

“I did say.” Cain says. “You’re a bloke. And a Dingle. It’s sort of strange to think you haven’t bunked up with more than one …”

Chas scowls at her brother. “You’re not helping.”

“Yeah and neither are you.” Aaron thunders.

Liv steps forward. “Well then help us to.” She says. “This isn’t you. We just want to …”

“What, understand?” Aaron says. “You can’t. Nathan can’t. No one can understand …”

“What, why you wanted to have sex with two blokes at the same time?” Liv says. It’s how she says it that makes Aaron feel less than nothing. He thinks of the way he just couldn’t control himself around Robert, how he craved him all the time but then how it turned into just missing him, just wanting to be _near_ him.

Aaron breathes in, heart hardening around everything. “Well I wouldn’t expect _you_ to understand would I?”

It’s cruel, and mean, and personal and that’s exactly why Liv’s eyes turn red and she looks like she can’t stand the look of him. She stormed off yesterday too, raced out the door once he’d pushed too far and she’s going to do it again. He knows as soon as she picks up her coat.

“Liv …”

“No.” Liv turns to him. “I’m not the weird one for not getting how you can’t just keep it in your pants.”

Aaron watches as she leaves the room and then he’s turning back to his mum and Cain. He goes to speak and then backs towards the door again.

“How was … Nathan?” Chas asks nervously.

Aaron looks at her and sees that she’s clearly trying her best not to shake him, scream at him over the fact that she thinks he’s clearly just thrown away the best thing that has ever happened to him. He wonders if she hates him for this, if what he’s done has somehow messed up how ideal she thought _her_ life was shaping out to be.

“The bin bags at the door should tell you enough.” Aaron says before leaving.

He walks through the bar, takes a bottle of something and then heads straight towards the cricket pavilion again. He keeps his head down, starts wondering if the local busybodies are aware that the landlady’s son is a lying cheat and then has it confirmed when an old biddy mumbles something to her mate about how she’s sure he was the one who had not one but two blokes on the go.

The thoughts stop when he thinks of work. He freezes around the fact that he knows Leyla has a big gob and that she would be unable to keep last night to herself even if she was gagged. He gulps hard, pushes the thought away with the swig of his bottle and then stares up to see Liv sitting on the steps up to the shack where the pavilion is. He stares at her until she sees him. She doesn’t go.

“Sorry.” Aaron blurts out, mainly because he hates that he used her sexuality against her and then because he’s waving around a bottle of whisky in front of her face. He pours it out on the grass and then she sighs.

“Didn’t have to do that.”

“Didn’t have to do a lot but I did.” Aaron says, he feels small under the way he sits right next to her. He doesn’t say anything for a second, just stares at the way the sun is starting to set and pour this shade of orange over them both.

“I just don’t get … why.” Liv says. She turns to Aaron. “Why screw it all up?”

Aaron gulps thickly. “I didn’t plan on it happening.” He tells her. “Just did. I just … there was just this thing I felt for him the first time I clapped eyes on him, and it didn’t go away, I couldn’t ignore it.”

Liv doesn’t say anything, just sits and listens.

“I tried to. Pushed him away so many times.” Aaron chews his lip. “Because I didn’t want to hurt Nathan. But then I was hurting Robert too.”

“That’s why he did it? Told Nathan?” Liv frowns. Aaron thinks about how his sister think Robert is this certain way. He closes his eyes, sees this anger written all over Robert’s face as he relished in destroying every single thing.

Aaron stares at his hands, moves his nails over his knuckles and then he stops. “He found out that Nathan might have wanted to have Penny for a bit … and he freaked.”

“What do you mean _have_ her?”

“Look after her until Sonny sorts himself out, the mum wasn’t keen since she’s pretty much the same as Sonny on the life-is-a-train wreck front.” Aaron runs a hand across knuckle instead, smooths, smooths, smooths. “He said he had this … this plan and I ruined it.”

“Plan?” Liv whispers. The wind picks up and she pulls her hair out of her face before frowning.

Aaron sniffs, feels like the more he speaks, the less he gets to pretend like it didn’t ever happen. He closes his eyes quickly and then sighs. “Wanted to wait for me to leave Nathan. Realise it was him I wanted.” He says. “But then … he found out it was my stag on top of everything else and …”

Liv frowns again. “He didn’t know you were engaged?”

Aaron flinches. “He did. He … he told me.”

“What?”

“He knew before I did. He saw Nathan with the ring.”

“So it’s been going on for that long?” Aaron nods. Liv runs a hand across her thighs. “I knew you were acting different; I could tell. I just thought you were nervous about getting married or whatever.”

“He told me he loved me just before Nathan proposed.” Aaron just blurts it out, doesn’t know why or how it manages to explode in front of them both and make him think think think.

Liv’s eyes widen. “He …”

“Begged me not to get engaged and I did. I did.” Aaron imagines what would have happened if he didn’t say yes, if he told Nathan that they weren’t ready for that and he was sorry, but he couldn’t do this anymore. It would have been simpler; he knew that then. He ignored that then. “And I just hurt him more. I just hurt him until he snapped.”

Aaron doesn’t expect Liv to have any answers. He doesn’t expect him to feel sorry for him or try and defend his actions. Still, he feels this sense of relief wash over him when she shuffles closer and keeps looking out across the rolling hills instead of at him.

“Sounds like …”

“A fucking mess.” Aaron runs a hand over his face, sniffs and tries to make the tears go away.

Liv breathes out gently. “I was going with, complicated but … that works too.”

Aaron has this tiny sad smile on his face, and he runs a hand through his hair as he watches the sky change from pink to red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll be posting a little snippet preview thingy on my tumblr: kellykadpeserate the day before the next chapter from now until it's over (so tuesdays and saturdays) if anyone is interested in having a little looksie at what is to come!


	36. A choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a tense meeting with Robert, Aaron lashes out before admitting his feelings to Chas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to all of you who are still leaving comments and kudos and stuff, so glad you are still enjoying!!

Aaron wakes up the sound of his bedroom door being pushed open by his mum who has one hand on her hip and the other waving about like she’s absolutely lost the plot. Aaron pulls a pillow over his head, blocks out what she’s going on about until he hears the word work and thinks that she is absolutely mental if she is seriously expecting him to go anywhere near the place. He gets a kick to his leg next and then he sits up.

“Haven’t you got a pub to run?”

“Haven’t you got a meeting to be getting to?” Chas tilts her head and points at his phone. Aaron drags it from his night stand and sees that Leyla’s taking the coward’s way out and sent him this formal email about having to come in for a meeting.

Aaron suddenly thinks about losing his job on top of everything else. He thinks of the fact that his life is in a bin bag and how last night he was just staring up at the ceiling wanting everything to stop. He thought about going on a run last night until everything ached, but tiredness took over him and he managed to get a few hours of sleep.

“I’m not going just so they can sack me.”

“Sack you?” Chas sits on his bed. “They can’t. It has nothing to do with work.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and thinks about the time off he took to shag Robert in hotels and spend days just staring at his stupid face whilst they were alone, the time they spent after hours in the lounge areas. “They’ll spin it.”

“Well that’s why you have to stop them. Turn up. Get a slap on the wrist and then …”

“Then what?” Aaron asks her. “Go back to sitting _opposite_ him?” Aaron’s heart pounds hard. He can’t actually think of anything worse. He can’t even _say_ Robert’s name.

Chas looks away and then back again. “You either sit here feeling sorry for yourself or you start doing something about all this mess.” She reasons.

It makes Aaron sit up a little straighter.

\--

Aaron walks out the lift with his head down. He straightens his crumpled shirt, tucks it in as neatly as possible and then he’s met with Leyla’s startled face as she looks up at him. He remembers the bruising on his face thanks to Sonny and subconsciously touches it as Leyla stares at him in silence.

“I … have a meeting. Or something. You said.”

“You’re early.” Leyla tells him. He stares at her, confused about why that makes her seem so frazzled. He begins to frown when he looks towards Bernice’s office and sees the back of Robert’s head. It makes his heart pound out of his face. For some stupid reason he didn’t imagine that he’d actually be seeing him today. He didn’t want to think about it but now it’s just the only thing that he can think about.

He should want to hurt him; get his own back like he has the right to. He wants to tell Robert that maybe he was a piece of shit but at least Robert could trust him, could know that he would never intentionally destroy his life.

Aaron just stares until he’s looking back at Leyla and she’s asking him if he wants a glass of water or something. He stays where he is, shakes his head slowly and then watches as Priya passes him with this look on her face like she’s just waiting for it all to kick off.

Aaron’s jaw tenses. “I could do without the staring.” He says, not directly to Priya but obvious enough.

“I’m sure Nathan could do without a lot too.” Priya mumbles as she stamps her heels and disappears into one of the meeting rooms.

Aaron gulps hard, his head bows and Leyla leans towards him.

“Hey. Chin up.”

Aaron doesn’t know whether to be grateful for her support or worried that he’s saddled with her in the ‘no-good-very-scandalous’ work bucket that he’s always paid no mind too. Now it’s all he can think about. He hasn’t even given himself the chance to think about what he’s going to say to Bernice. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to look her in the eye.

Minutes later, Aaron watches as Bernice comes out of her office and gives him this look like she wants his head on a spike. He turns away from her for a second, misses Robert slip out and his heart seems to ache at that.

“This won’t take long.” Bernice says. He follows her, and watches as she doesn’t even bother sitting down.

“Shouldn’t Lawrence be here?”

“He’s a bit too busy to be dealing with … office scandals.” Bernice crosses her arms over. “Not that he doesn’t know. He knows exactly.”

Aaron thinks of his mum’s words this morning and tries to stand taller. “It has nothin’ to do with work.” He tells her. “So I don’t get what all of this is about.”

Bernice uncrosses her arms and frowns. “It’s a work relationship. One that should have been disclosed to me as soon as it started.”

Aaron gulps hard and can’t help but find it weird that she’s being so serious. He’s used to her being more airy fairy than most, shocking pink cardigans and stories about the right aura’s being trapped in her office. Now, she just seems to have this permanent frown on her face.

“But we all know how awkward that would have been for you.” Bernice plays with the hem of her cardigan and then her eyes dart across the room.

Aaron suddenly wonders how much Robert actually told her. He feels himself blushing. “Look you might as well get on with it.”

Bernice frowns. “With what?”

“The bit where you fire me.”

Bernice shrugs. “Well I don’t have the authority to.”

Aaron huffs, and then shrugs tightly. “Tell me what you think of me then, how much I’m a coward right? A disgrace? A hypocrite?” He shudders. “I already know.”

Bernice twitches. “I told you about Liam and Leyla, I thought you’d understand. You know, what with you being loyal, kind, genuinely decent.”

Aaron sucks in a breath and feels like he’s just been told by his mum that she’s not angry, just disappointed in him. He waits for Bernice to say something, but she doesn’t. She sits slowly and then sighs.

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” Aaron says, like it’s worth a lot or something. Bernice just sort of frowns at him.

“You’ve been having an affair for months and months, what did you think was going to happen?”

It’s weird having someone double his age, who is not a member of his family and is outside the situation, be so stern about the whole thing. It shocks him a little, makes him realise he needs to stop saying stuff like he didn’t want things to be like this. It doesn’t matter now.

“Did … Robert say anything?”

Bernice tilts his head. “Like what?”

Aaron breathes in, shrugs. “I don’t know.” He dips his head down and Bernice sighs a little.

“I suppose it was better that he told your fiancé than everyone in here. Imagine if we had clients on the floor.”

Aaron rolls his eyes.

“Imagine you’d been … caught.”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he suddenly remembers Bernice’s cosy little meetings with Liam in her office when she thought everyone had gone home. “We weren’t shagging all over the …”

“OK that’s enough from you thank you very much.” Bernice’s face is bright red, and Aaron breathes in deeply. “Hopefully, this will blow over in a few days but considering Lawrence has important clients in for meetings today and tomorrow I think you should take some days off.”

Aaron frowns. “What?”

Bernice nods. “Hopefully office gossip would have died down by then.”

Aaron scoffs. “What like you and Liam and Leyla?” He folds his arms over and she turns bright pink like a salmon. “I’m just saying, what happened has nothing to do with me working.”

“I know exactly what you’re saying but Lawrence thinks this is best.” Bernice says, and clearly, so does she. “Robert’s already agreed.” Aaron dips his head up and he wonders if she thinks that’s going to sway him or something. It sort of does. He feels less keen on kicking up a fuss about it.

“So I …”

Bernice tilts her head up. “You’ve got personal days to take advantage of.”

Aaron scowls. “I don’t need …” Bernice just gives him this look and he realises that she isn’t asking, it’s just what she’ll tell anyone if they ask. He gulps hard and nods before backing away towards the door.

“Aaron?” Bernice says. Aaron stops and turns back to her. “You and Nathan are over?” She asks. Aaron doesn’t say anything, doesn’t actually know _what_ to say. He gulps hard, eyes darting. “It’s just … you’re still wearing your engagement ring.”

Aaron stares down, and then up again.

“I have to go.” He tells her, and he does. He bolts out of the office, throws a look towards his desk and then Robert’s before he’s seeing the look on Jimmy’s face as he spots him.

Aaron peels his eyes away and only lets out a sigh when he’s out of the building and turned towards the car park. He stops dead when he sees Robert. He’s by his car, just about to open the door when he turns around, almost on instinct, almost like he knew Aaron was standing behind him. Aaron can’t breathe suddenly as he sees Robert’s face, scans so quickly and then slower as he looks at his cut lip, and bruising. He sees a yellowing colour and then meets Robert’s green eyes.

Yellow and green and yellow and –

“What happened to your face?” Aaron asks. It’s the first thing he says. It just gets blurted out, unravels slowly and then quickly because it’s the only thing he can really bring himself to focus on. It makes Robert’s eyes flicker like he didn’t expect it.

Robert doesn’t say anything for a second. Aaron watches intently. “Nathan’s not the only one who found out.” He says.

Aaron thinks of Sonny’s threats and then imagines him hurting Robert. He balls his fists and seethes. “Was that Sonny?” He asks, but it really isn’t a question.

Robert rolls his eyes. “No.” He says.

Aaron tilts his head back in surprise, He’s startled in confusion for a second until he thinks of Andy. His face falls slightly, and he feels guilty suddenly for making things worse for Robert than he already has.

“Andy then?” Aaron asks. He plays with his hands and then sees Robert look down and Aaron hates how he still has this need to hide his ring. It doesn’t mean a thing being on his finger, not a single thing and yet Robert still looks like it’s still this barrier.

Aaron half expects him to say something, but Robert just doesn’t. It’s like the ring is enough to stop whatever this is dead.

Robert turns, opens his car. Aaron doesn’t know what to say or do, he just doesn’t want to see the back of Robert’s fucking head. He doesn’t want to watch him walk away because the thought sends him back to that stupid country lane where everything changed.

“I would have left you alone you know.” Aaron says. He breathes in sharply as Robert freezes and then slams the car door shut and spins to look at Aaron. Robert looks like he’s almost daring Aaron to carry on whatever he’s talking about. Aaron nearly doesn’t but he tips his head, shudders. “You didn’t have to do what you did.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and then he frowns. “Yeah, I could have let you walk all over me and then get to have your happy ever after with Nathan.”

There’s this tension in the air. They’re standing so far apart that Robert almost shouts to be head but Aaron aches to be closer. He aches to reach out and yet wants to run away from Robert, pretend he never met him. His head spins.

“I’d have … accepted that it was over if that’s what you really wanted, but you … you did the _one_ thing I …”

“Didn’t want me to do.” Robert says, eyes beady. He looks like he wants to smile but doesn’t. It’s like he can’t let it meet his eyes. “What a terrible inconvenience right?”

Aaron ducks his head, thinks of Robert begging him not to get engaged, begging him to just fucking own up to his feelings. Aaron’s eyes flicker and he holds his breath again. His eyes fill with tears and he’s suddenly thankful of the space between them.

“I thought I was doing you a favour?”

Aaron blows out a breath and suddenly shakes himself out of whatever gentleness he’s trying to show. Robert doesn’t want any of it, he doesn’t want any of him so what’s the point of even trying. It makes Aaron hardening and he puffs his chest out. “You did.” He says. “Because you couldn’t help but try to ruin everything, make it as _awful_ as it could be, and it said everything I need to know about you.” 

Robert’s eyes flicker like Aaron’s somehow touched a nerve. He takes a step back towards his car.

“Did it now?”

Aaron nods his head. “Bit of a theme of yours ain’t it? Should have known you’d go and do that.”

Robert’s jaw locks. “Should have known you’d always be a coward. Guess we both made mistakes.”

Aaron shudders. “Mistakes?” He watches Robert nod and his heart pounds pounds pounds. “The only mistake I made was thinking that you …” He stops, dips his head down. “God you ruined _everything_.”

Robert breathes in, he doesn’t speak. He just stares. “Of course I did.”

Aaron scowls, comes forward and then stops. “You’ve got no idea.” He says, has a hand up towards his forehead. “No idea how much you just came along and ruined everything.”

Robert hears it. He hears Andy. He hears it and it makes something shift in his chest, but he doesn’t give it away. He stays firm, cold and removed from whatever Aaron is saying to him.

Aaron’s not even sure what he’s trying to say but he can’t stop. “You couldn’t just …”

“Take your scraps.”

“ _No_ wait for me to –”

Aaron feels this wave of something whack him over the head and he thinks about the way he sat in the backroom of his mum’s pub and wrote out what he wanted to tell Nathan like some sort of fool. He tried so hard to be kind, to say all the things he had to. It started and ended with how sorry he is. It was like something had snapped, broke, teared inside of him and he was just left with this hollowness, this determination to just be with Robert and make everything else go away.

It’s _why_ he went with Nathan, it’s _why_ he sat in silence as they drove home, and he thought over and over about how to go about breaking Nathan’s heart.

“What?” Robert says, cool as ever, like nothing about _any_ of this even matters.

 _I was choosing you_ , Aaron’s mind screams. It screams over and over and over again. But it doesn’t surface. Instead, he just watches as Robert gives him this look that says Aaron’s silence has said enough for the both of them.

Aaron’s mouth hangs open but feels like it’s been zipped shut as he stares and then shakes his head and then acts like a coward and ducks into his car. He watches Robert stare at him through the window, but he prefers it like this. He prefers to not see Robert walk away from him again.

\--

Robert stays where is for a few seconds before fumbling for his keys and then being met by Leyla of all people walking towards him with this awkward look on her face. She’s clearly heard the whole thing, tried her best to be a spy the whole way through the slinging match.

“I haven’t got time.” Robert says, like he’s really busy or something.

Leyla looks sad. “Well Bernice sent me to …”

Robert rolls his eyes and thinks of the way Bernice was banging on like Aaron and him were destroying the reputation of the business. She stopped as soon as Robert played the bisexual card and dared to ask her if she’d be this alarmed if he was seeing Priya instead. Her face was a picture. It really was.

“To try having a go?”

Leyla frowns. “What? No. No, to get you to sign this for your personal days.”

Robert steps away from his car and stares down at the pieces of paper she’s holding. His eyes scan and he looks down to see that Aaron’s form is underneath his. Leyla notices, tells him that Aaron’s already signed his.

“Yeah. Fine.” Robert shakes his head, signs the form and then looks up at Leyla. “What?”

“I’m not the enemy here.” Leyla says.

“So how comes the whole office know?”

Leyla pulls this face. “Well I honestly didn’t …”

Robert rolls his eyes and looks back at his car again. “I’ve got personal days to be taking.”

Leyla follows him, her heels loud enough for Robert to hear. “How comes you told Nathan?” He doesn’t answer and she carries on, rephrases it. “I wouldn’t have had the guts to do that to Bernice.”

Robert leans against his car. “Because you know her, work with her. I don’t know Nathan.” He says.

“Did it make it easier then?”

Robert thinks hard. “No.” He says and then he looks down, thinks of the state of Aaron’s face and his heart twists.

“I get it.” Leyla whispers. Robert looks up. “Being … the homewrecker or whatever.” She bites her lip. “But it’s not like you wanted to hurt anyone. You just … fell for him. Right? Doesn’t make you a monster.”

Robert’s shoulders relax and he wasn’t sure he needed to hear what she has to say so much but it’s sort of welcomed.

“Besides. I knew it was weird when Aaron was so happy you got that award.”

Robert could do without the memory of that. He really could.

“ _And_ it was weird that you didn’t try anything on with me when you started.” Leyla crosses her arms, tilts her chin up and smirks. “You were too busy making eyes at him.” She shakes her head, makes light of it all. “Could have multitasked though, just saying.”

Robert breathes in. “Being bi and all that.”

Leyla waves her hand out, rolls her eyes. “Duh.” She says playfully.

Robert smiles faintly and then dips his head down again, leans up from his car and then shuffles down again.

“So what now?”

Robert just sort of stares at the ground and then shrugs. “’M not really sure.” He admits.

Leyla sighs, shuffles closer towards him and then waves her arm out. “Come on. You look like you could do with a hug.”

Robert frowns. It makes him feel vulnerable for a second before Leyla tells him she’s not leaving until he lets her. Robert rolls his eyes, acts playful with it before she hugs him tightly and he lets her. She smells like her normal perfume and he’s reminded of the fact that him and Aaron tried guessing how much she paid for it. They spent a whole afternoon at work guessing until Aaron had to make out he really liked the smell and asked her what she was wearing.

One hundred and sixty quid a bottle.

Robert closes his eyes for a second, smiles into her shoulder before she pulls away.

“It’s all going to be fine.” She says, she even winks, and he wants to believe her.

\--

Aaron sits in his car and thinks about how him, and Nathan used to spend hours in here just talking when they first got together. They used to stare up at the sky through the windows, swapping shit stories and making each other laugh.

It used to be like that.

It used to feel like all of it would eventually be so easy, and it was, it was for a while.

It was for a while.

Aaron leans his head against the steering wheel, breathes in and out as he tries not to cry and then he’s getting a text. He looks down hastily and sees that it’s Nathan asking him to come over. Aaron wipes at his face and drives over, takes longer than he would have liked, and it only gives off this bad impression. Aaron only realises how stupid that all seems when he apologies and Nathan gives him this look.

“I was just … giving you space.” Aaron tells Nathan. He looks a little better, a little brighter maybe. Aaron can’t help but notice how Nathan has already stripped everything resembling him from the place. It looks brand new. It looks like it’s hardly been lived in.

Nathan tilts his head up. “To think about you and him over and over in my mind?”

Aaron’s face falls. “What? God no. I just meant …” He stammers. “I just meant that I was trying to …”

“I want to know one thing.” Nathan says. “It’s sort of been playing over and over in my mind and I can’t stop thinking about it.” Aaron nods quickly. “Did you … did you do it because you wanted to or because it was one of your ways of … self-destructing.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he remembers what his mum thought too. He shakes his head. “I wasn’t … it wasn’t me self-harming.” He tells him. “I’m not blaming the way I handle things on … that.”

“So it wasn’t …” Nathan gulps hard. “You just wanted to be … with someone else.” It makes Aaron’s eyes dart down to the floor. Nathan frowns. “Weren’t you guilty?” He whispers as all this emotion rushes into his voice.

Aaron wipes tears from his face. “All the time. He says. “When Sonny was in hospital I … went for a few runs. I … wanted to …” He dips his head and thinks of Robert. “But other than that I didn’t … I didn’t do anything to myself. I just kept it all in.”

Nathan clears his throat. He looks around the room and then goes towards the window. “I just needed to know if that was it.”

Aaron gulps thickly. “No it was just me being selfish, and cruel, and … not being good enough for you.”

Nathan turns. “That doesn’t mean you cheat on me.” He tells him.

“I know.”

“You don’t.” Nathan laughs drily. “Why couldn’t you just walk away? Run into _Robert’s_ arms months ago?”

Aaron’s chin wobbles. “You’re my whole life.” He croaks out. “I couldn’t just …”

“Was.” Nathan whispers. “And that’s not even true because you had someone else. Always did. I convinced myself it was still Jackson for so long.” Aaron’s eyes flicker in surprise. “That he was always in the back of your mind, but it was Robert instead. It was _always_ someone else.”

Aaron shudders. “I’m so …”

Nathan waves a hand out. “Think I’ll pass out if I hear another one of your worthless apologies again.” Aaron stands straighter, breathes in. Nathan stares down at his hand and pulls the engagement ring off with such ease that Aaron hates himself all over again. “We’re done. Because you broke us and that’s it.”

Aaron’s eyes feel with tears and he stares down at his hand, drags slowly until the ring is off his finger and he can’t think of how else he’s supposed to end things. He places it on the back of the sofa, feels his shoulders tighten and loosen almost simultaneously.

“I never wanted to hurt you Nathan.”

Nathan huffs. “Well you did a great job of that.” He says sarcastically and it causes something dark to pour over Aaron.

He thinks of Jackson, dead in the dirt, alone. He thinks of Nathan, broken and cheated. He thinks of Robert, scorned and cold.

All because of him.

\--

Aaron has a massive headache and it’s making him fidgety, but he tries to keep it at bay as he walks through the back door and has a hand on the banister, goes to escape the noise of the pub. It’s exactly the noise though that makes him turn around, widen his eyes. His mum’s shouting her mouth off but it’s not that’s out of the ordinary. It’s the voice shouting back that he recognises.

Aaron practically jogs out towards the front of the bar and sees his mum standing there with her arms crossed in her sparkly red top like she’s off on a night out and it isn’t a boring mid-week evening. He stares at her and then looks at who she’s got her eyes on. He sees Victoria and Sarah sitting on one of the back tables. Victoria’s got this scowl on her face.

“Mum.” Aaron panics. “Whatever it is, just leave it.”

“I could hear her banging on about you. She’s actually got the cheek to slag you off in your own home.”

It only makes Victoria laugh, pull a face. “Oh. This your home now.”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut and Chas turns towards him. She looks like she wants to swing for Victoria and then she’s pointing out how she knows her, knows of Sarah too considering where her farm is. Apparently the fact that they’re regulars makes this all weirder for her. He’s incredibly sorry for the inconvenience.

Aaron breathes in after Chas has finished going on.

“Just leave it.” Aaron concludes. Once again.

“What like this Robert did?” Chas folds her arms and the way she says it makes Robert seem like this nomad. It makes Aaron cringe and then Sarah is coming over and it’s _exactly_ what he doesn’t need right now.

“He was pushed.” Sarah says. “By your son.” She may as well point. Aaron pulls his eyes away from her.

“Yeah and he’s also a grown man. If he doesn’t _like_ the situation he’s got himself in, could always walk away couldn’t he?”

Sarah’s whole chest goes bright red and Aaron wants the ground to swallow him up when her eyes widen, and she comes even closer to the bar. “This is not his fault. How can you even suggest that when _your son_ was playing away?”

“Don’t worry mum. I’ve heard how the Dingles are, low standards if you ask me. Or anyone really.” Victoria says, and it only makes things worse.

Chas actually goes round to the front of the bar, heels clip clopping as she walks towards where Victoria is sitting.

Aaron follows her, all but yanks her away. “Mum. Just …”

“If you tell me to leave it one more time.” Chas waves her finger in Aaron’s face and then looks back at Victoria. “My boy’s no angel, he messed up _big time_ but he’s paying it for so I’m going to ask you shut your face _one more time_ or you’re out of here.”

Sarah does her whole protective mother routine too as she stands in front of Chas and they go back and forth over whose son is in the wrong. It flip flops that way until Aaron manages to stand between them because he really doesn’t fancy the slinging match to continue.

“Just stop.” Aaron says.

It ends oddly, Sarah goes and sits back down with Victoria and Aaron heads back to the bar with his mum and it’s like some western movie for a bit as they throw daggers at each other across the room. Eventually he looks away, and only stares back when he sees that Sarah’s looking at him differently.

He can’t quite read it. All he thinks of is the fact that it _is_ their local. It’s bound to happen. It makes him want to climb the walls and then he’s barging into Marlon who’s just standing there like a lemon.

“Mind out Marlon.” Aaron shouts, he pushes past Marlon and then thunders towards the back room.

He’s alone for the smallest of seconds before his mum is following him and shutting the door behind her slowly.

“The cheek of them. Honestly.” Chas is shaking her head and then she stops when she sees the look on Aaron’s face. “What?”

“Why couldn’t you just _ignore_ them? I hardly need them having any more reason to hate me do I?” Aaron groans when he thinks of them talking to Robert about how mad his mother is, how Aaron just let her threaten them. He runs a hand over his face as Chas asks why any of that matters now because really it shouldn’t matter at all. But it does. It does somehow.

“I’m hardly going to sit back and let them slag you off in my pub.” Chas waves a hand up.

Aaron can imagine. He shouldn’t ask but he does because he’s had a day of it already so there’s no real point in trying to block out bad news.

Chas shrugs. “Just how Robert’ll get over how badly you’ve treated him.” Aaron’s eyes flicker. “How he’s better off without you.”

Aaron gulps hard, dips his head down.

“Honestly, if I hear them say one more word about it I’ll bar them. Don’t matter how regular they are or how nice they always seemed in here before any of …”

“Before I had an affair with Robert and ruined everything. You _can_ say it you know. I was in the flaming wrong. You don’t have to try and make excuses for …”

“I’m not.” Chas says quickly and the cushion she’s holding towards her stomach drops as he walks towards her son. “But I know how you get.”

“What’s that meant to mean?”

Chas tuts. “You’ll think you’re the world’s worst person and beat yourself up and … and think you don’t deserve to be happy and I …”

“It’s right. That’s … that’s _right_ mum.” Aaron thinks she’s mad for not getting it. “Ask Nathan. Ask him if I …”

Chas suddenly looks concerned. “Aaron. Calm down.”

Aaron breathes in, face reddening. “No I can’t because everything they said was true. They’re right and they should hate me because I just fucked everything up and ruined …” He suddenly slams his first down on the table, and it makes a dent. It also makes his mum’s eyes pop out of her head and he instantly regrets the flash of fear in her eyes.

It takes a second before Marlon is popping his head in and Aaron’s darting away. In his haste, he trips and sees Sarah and Victoria getting into their car and leaving. Victoria just gives him this look and he wonders if she can sense how tired he is, how sorry he feels. If she does, she doesn’t give it away because her face stays the same until Sarah’s whispering something to her and she’s shutting the car door behind her.

Aaron watches them disappear. Then it starts raining because of course it would.

He walks for ages in it as it seems to pour down. He’s absolutely aware he’ll catch a cold, but he stays rooted until he’s soaked right through and he feels icy right down to his bones. He stares at his fist and how it’s bruising over. He thinks of them fading into nothing and it’s entirely unfair. The thought shakes him slightly and he tilts his head up as the rain starts to stop and this cold mist descends on the village.

Aaron has a plate of food outside his door when he slopes back to his mum’s. He stares down at it and then steps over it to get inside. Aaron looks around the room and sees that his mum has moved some of her stuff out the way, pulled out the sofa bed fully. It feels like hours have passed when he hears his mum knocking at the door. He doesn’t say anything, but she comes in anyway, pokes her head around the door with a fresh plate of food and a pint. He looks up and then down again.

Chas has this look on her face and Aaron’s shoulders relax.

“I’ll get another table for you.”

“You think I give a toss about the table love.” Chas says, standing over him. “I knew it was coming, I know how you bottle things up and you have been.”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut as his mum takes his hand and looks at his knuckles. “It’s fine.”

“Not everything has to be fine you know.” She tells him.

“It’s meant to be.” Aaron whispers. He wants to say something like “Sarah and Victoria are meant to like me, and it’s all meant to be normal” but it’s too much. “It was before all of this.”

Chas tilts her head and sighs. “I won’t bar them.” She says before asking what their names are. Aaron tells her, he tells her and watches her take note.

“There’s no need to say anything else to them though.” Aaron tells her.

Chas waves a hand up. “Promise to not make it worse next time I see them.”

“Don’t go saying anything about me either OK?” Aaron says. “Nothing redeeming or sob story worthy.”

Chas rolls her eyes like he’s dented her plan or something. “Fine.” She says before holding the plate out for him again.

Aaron all but turns his nose up at it and Chas huffs.

“You can’t just sit here in the dark.” Chas sits down beside him. “You’ve got to eat love. Or drink. Maybe not a pint but …”

It’s sort of the only thing he welcomes. He takes it from her, sips and then sets it on the floor.

“Don’t tell me you just walked about in the rain.”

Only the fact that his hair is still dripping wet seems to give that game away quite nicely.

Aaron sighs as his mum bangs on about him being wet through and goes to get him a towel. She runs it over his hair like he’s a little kid and for a second he closes his eyes and takes all this comfort from it.

“You didn’t tell me how it went at work.”

Aaron nods. “I’m taking personal days, for a bit. They could do without all the office gossip apparently.” He folds his legs over and slumps down a little. Chas gives him this look. “I don’t really have a choice.”

“Sounds a bit extreme if you ask me.” Chas says.

“Yeah well … not a lot I can do about that. Is there?”

Chas breathes in. “Suppose not. Hey, I told you they wouldn’t sack you.” She says, voice light like it’s all fine and dandy really. “What about Robert? I hope he got the same treatment.”

Aaron bites at his lip. “Yeah he did. Didn’t ask him about it though.” He shrugs.

Chas frowns at him. “You _saw_ him?” Aaron nods his head slowly. “And?”

“His brother punched him in the face. He hates me. Nothing else to report really.” Aaron tries to play down how it felt to see him, but his mum sees right through it. “What?”

“Why did his brother …”

Aaron runs a hand across his face. “Because he’s been here before, with his brother’s wife. He was … the other bloke before now. I don’t know. Maybe his brother thought he was back to hurting people or whatever. I don’t care.” Only he keeps thinking about what Andy would have said, if Robert punched him back and it got ugly. He bounces his knee up and down and then shudders at the thought.

Chas raises an eyebrow. “And they really went on like he’s a saint.”

“Mum.” Aaron says.

“Well I’m just saying. Should be used to it then shouldn’t he?”

Aaron raises his head, he doesn’t say anything, but it shuts Chas up for a second.

“And after that?” Aaron frowns. “You’ve been out all day.”

Aaron decides not to lie.

“Nathan text, he wanted to see me.”

Chas’ eyes widen. “And?” She asks, she almost sounds excited.

Aaron sniffs, watches as his mum follows his gaze down to this bare hand. “It’s over mum. It’s … it’s over. Has been for ages. Before I even … before all this. I knew. I knew it but I just … I didn’t want to know it.”

Chas looks like she half expected it. She sits up straighter and nods slowly.

“What’s wrong with me?” Aaron whispers. He just keeps his head down, breathes in and then out again, feels it overwhelm him. “I hurt everyone I care about, _every single person_.”

“That’s not true.”

“Jackson wouldn’t be dead if it wasn’t for me.”

“Hey.” Chas comes closer towards him like she knows where his mind is going, how dark he’s being about things. “Don’t even _try_ to go back there, we’ve been through …”

“Nathan wouldn’t be heartbroken. Robert wouldn’t be …”

Chas holds at Aaron’s arms. “You messed up, you really messed up but there’s _nothing_ you can do now is there? You can’t go back in time and …”

“Never meet Robert.” Aaron gulps hard. He thinks of a world where that happened, he’d probably have bought a house by now, been looking forward to marrying Nathan. “It would have been easier.”

Chas gulps. “I don’t think you’d even want that.” She says. She tilts her head to the side. “Hmm?”

Aaron feels something shatter around him. “I wish I never met him, biggest mistake of my life. I swear.” He feels all this anger rush up inside him. He bounces his leg and then his mum is giving him this look. “What?”

“I don’t think you believe that.” Chas tells him, calm as ever. “Because I might not be the most … switched on mum in the world but I’ve noticed how you’ve been acting love.”

Aaron gulps, eyes darting. “So?”

“So your mind, and your attention has been elsewhere. On Robert. Right?”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut, tries filtering out what she’s saying because if she knows, everyone is going to know how he feels and that’s just this other massive hurdle. He doesn’t say anything, she keeps pulling this face and he just keeps his head down and thinks of the way Robert found it so easy, so _enjoyable_ to just tear things apart. It wasn’t like him. It wasn’t like him at all.

“I’m right. I know I am.”

Aaron scowls, raises his head. “Did you not just here what I said? He just blew my whole world apart and laughed his head off whilst doing it. Falling in love with –”

Chas smirks and Aaron wants to kick himself, repeatedly. He wants to take it back, pretend like he didn’t really just admit that.

“I …”

Chas looks at him the way she did when he first told her about Jackson. She’s all nervous and unsure and has this little smile on her face. She doesn’t get it.

“This isn’t a good thing.” Aaron tells her. “I shouldn’t have to _tell_ you that this isn’t a good thing.”

Chas frowns. “What because he told Nathan?” She shakes her head. “It’s clear in your mind now love, you love him and … you—”

“It was clear in my mind _two_ days ago.” Aaron blurts out. Chas gives him this look and he breathes out slowly. “I was choosing him. I was going to tell Nathan _everything_ and he got there before I could.”

Chas is stunned and then her shoulders relax. “Well. Well darling …”

“I said I didn’t want him, that it was too much, and it is.” Aaron nods his head and wipes at his face. “But not in a _bad_ way.” He shudders. “I – I’ve just never felt like this about _anyone_.” He doesn’t say anything for a second. “You know I … I faked a car break down just to get him to see me, first time we …” He gulps hard. “Ever since then I’ve …”

Chas looks hopeful. “You were going to do the right thing.” She latches onto that. “You know what you have to do now don’t you?”

Aaron looks at her like she’s mad. “I’m not telling Robert that if that’s what you think.”

“Why the hell not?” Chas looks like she wants to shake him.

“Because he hates me. I made him _hate_ me mum. That’s why.”

Chas huffs. “You really believe that?” She asks.

“You didn’t see the way he looked at me today.” Aaron says. He gulps hard. “Sonny went after him and then his brother did too. All I’ve ever done is cause him grief.”

“So that’s it? You just … your _whole relationship_ is ruined and it’s for nothing in the end?”

Aaron huffs. “I don’t need this.”

“No. You need to face up to the truth.”

“I have.” Aaron blurts out. “I’ve faced up to the fact that he hates me, and Nathan hates me, and I deserve _this_.” He says. “So just _leave_ it OK?”

Chas goes to speak again and then decides not to, she gets up and walks towards the door before looking down at the plate of food and giving this look that tells him to eat, look after himself, stop punishing himself.

He nods his head slowly and then stares out the window.


	37. A deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is left devastated after discovering a deal Robert has made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nearly 7k of aaron going through an emotional roller coaster ! nothing new to see here

Aaron’s pouring himself a pint and thinking of bothering Marlon for a burger when Liv comes in with this look on her face. She seems bothered and yet smug at the same time and Aaron comes towards her with this frown on his face because he’s nosy and there really is not anything better to do than see what she’s going on about.

“What’s with the face?” Aaron asks, tilting his head to the side before Liv spills.

“Does Robert have a mum called Sarah?”

Aaron blushes red and nods. He can only imagine what she’s done. “What did you say?” He asks.

Liv shakes her head and sits on the stool before asking him for a coke and getting a hard no until she tells him what happened. “Fine.” She sighs. “I just heard her outside with Chas. Talking.”

It gets worse. Somehow, it gets worse.

“You _are_ kidding?” Aaron wipes a hand over his face and then barks at some old biddy who asks for a top up.

“Aaron. Chill.” Liv says.

“Chill?” Aaron tells her. “You weren’t here the other night, there was a slinging match and I had to …”

Liv rolls her eyes. “They were talking. Not shouting.” She leans closer and then away again. “Something about his sister only looking out for him.”

Aaron breathes in deeply. “She hates me.” He says before shaking his head. “So does Sarah, so I don’t know why she’s even trying to …”

Just as Aaron stops speaking, he watches as his mum comes in with this awkward look on her face like she didn’t expect her son to be behind the bar.

“Oh.” Chas says, she unbuttons her coat and looks like a five-year-old. “No need to panic. Sarah’s a lovely woman.” She waves a hand up and Aaron gives her this look like he can’t quite believe what she’s banging on about. “It’s not her fault you and her son … got busy.”

“Busy?” Liv cringes for the both of them and Aaron bites his lip as Chas comes towards him and sighs.

Chas comes around the bar and takes a bottle of wine from the shelf before stalking out again.

“What are you …”

“We’re being mums. Having a chat.” Chas actually shrugs and Aaron’s shoulders tighten as he watches her walk away and give him a wink.

It’s sort of all he needs to see from her. All he can think about is the fact that he really doesn’t want his mum going through his whole life just so Sarah can feel sorry for her. It makes him chew at his nails and fail to really listen to what his little sister is banging on about for a good ten minutes. Eventually he gives in, continues to ignore Liv as she tells him to leave them to it.

Aaron’s quiet as he walks around towards the back door and then pushes himself against the brick wall until he hears his mum and Sarah talking. He wonders for a second if his mum is going to really do what he doesn’t want her to, actually mention that he was choosing her son after all like this just some sort of big misunderstanding.

He goes to tell her to pack it in when Sarah starts speaking again.

“I knew from … from when Robert hurt his leg. It was after Aaron got engaged and he wasn’t in the best way over it.” Aaron gulps hard, feels like there’s no point of listening to any of this but he can’t walk away. “I thought Aaron would think it was some fling gone too far but … I saw how he was when Robert was in a bad way. Looked a state.”

“Sounds like him.”

Sarah sips at her wine. “Would have been easier if he wasn’t so clearly …”

“Head over heels but with all the angst?”

Sarah laughs and Aaron feels his heart thud. “You’re onto something there I reckon.” Then she sighs. “What a mess.”

Chas nods. “Aaron said … he’d been here before. Your Robert.”

Aaron yanks his head up and wants her to keep quiet about it, but Sarah doesn’t react the way he expects her to.

“He was a mess back then, nothing like he is now. It’s why … all of this … him putting himself in this position again just didn’t make sense. Until I realised it was more than I thought it was.” Sarah looks up. “It had nothing to do with hurting Nathan.” Chas gives her this look. “Until … the end. I’m not proud about that. He shouldn’t have done it like that, but he was so hurt.”

Chas nods. “Well Aaron shouldn’t have done a lot either.” She says before sighing. “Without defending him … I know he wouldn’t have wanted to hurt your lad. He’s … he’s not got a bad bone in his body; I promise you that.”

Aaron holds his breath as Sarah nods her head slowly.

“I think I can believe that.”

Aaron’s shoulders drop slightly as he hears her and then as she talks about how Robert wouldn’t have wanted any of this either. He just stares, watching them talk until Chas somehow manages to move the conversation on to how good the wine is and how the brewery seem to be given her the run-around lately.

Aaron drops out after that and walks his way back through to the back room of the pub and out to the front again where Liv is playing on her phone and sipping a glass of coke. She spots him and scowls, asks if they were ripping each other’s hair out. Aaron shakes out a no with his head and then spends the next twenty minutes waiting until his mum walks back through the door again.

“Nice chat then.” Liv asks before Aaron even spots her.

Chas nods. She’s holding the bottle of wine and two glasses which she places down on the bar.

“It was actually.” Chas says. Then she looks at Aaron. “She’s said Vic’s backing off on her little crusade or whatever.” Chas says. “You know, they just want him happy. Just like I want you happy.”

Aaron’s shoulders relax slightly. “I want that too.” He admits.

Liv looks between Chas and Aaron. “Well there’s something you can do about that. We _all_ know that.” She says, speaks like it’s so obvious.

The thing is it is.

It really is until Aaron is thinking of standing right in front of Robert and telling him.

“Not now.” Aaron says. He doesn’t sound bitter or angry or lost. He just sounds certain that now is not the time for him to go and confess his undying love to someone who is so clearly nowhere near wanting him.

He thinks about time he has. How long he’ll wait. It makes his heart thud.

“Better than never.” Aaron hears Chas say. He looks up at her. “You were dead against it the other night.”

“I still am.” Aaron says, but his head is a mess, and he knows so badly that he wants something more than what he has now. “But it doesn’t stop … it doesn’t stop me wanting him. Hoping.” He fidgets a little under his honesty.

Chas nods slowly.

“Suppose Sarah don’t want that though.”

“Well it’s not about her.” Liv tells him. “Don’t blame her for not going for it.” She says and then she frowns slightly. “Or on … on punishing yourself.”

He knows exactly what she means.

“I’m fine.” Aaron says firmly.

“I hope so.” Chas tells him. “I think there’s been enough … upset.”

Aaron nods his head slowly.

“And so does Sarah so … it’s done until … until you go and do something about it.”

Aaron gulps hard and feels this heavy sense of pressure crash down on his shoulders. “He won’t … he won’t want that.” He whispers. “So I’ll have to …”

“Give it time.” Marlon comes out of nowhere and looks as sympathetic as possible, but Aaron can only scowl at him.

Aaron breathes in, ignores Marlon completely. “I want him … to want to want me, like I want him.” He says quietly. It just spills out and it’s everything that’s been wrapped around in his head for so long now.

Aaron lifts his head up and sees his mum and Liv look all softly at him like he’s just recited some Shakespearean soliloquy or something.

“So I’ll wait.”

Liv smiles faintly at him. “Good.” She says.

Aaron frowns, thinks of how she doesn’t even know Robert. “Yeah?” He says, because he genuinely cares about what she thinks about all of this. It’s still strange to think that Robert knows about her so much and yet she is only knows the bits Robert would never want her to.

Liv nods. “Reckon you’re both proper idiots so …”

Aaron smiles back a little and then sighs. “I’m sorry for being … shit.”

Liv looks at him seriously. “I forgive you, idiot.”

Aaron ruffles her hair like she’s a dog and it makes her groan. He leans away again and hopes Robert can be as forgiving.

\--

Aaron has a stupid dream. He’s standing on this edge, and he’s shouting at Robert because he’s so far away and he’s telling him that he wants to be with him and that he was choosing him.

He said all this stuff and Robert just turned his head and it made Aaron fall forward into this pit of nothingness.

Aaron wakes up feeling cold and hopeless and everything is suddenly bleaker than he wants it to be.

\--

Aaron stares at himself in the mirror of the office toilets and sees that his bruising has started to calm down. He’s not sure if it’s a good or bad thing and the uncertainty knocks him, makes him think that he needs to go and talk to someone about how dark his head is getting. It’s been two days and he’s being pulled back into work again, practically dragged kicking and screaming.

The thought of sitting opposite Bernice and having her look at him like she’s just waiting for him to tell her where he fucked Robert in the office is absolutely something he does not want to have to deal with today. He thinks about sitting at his desk. He has a picture of him and Nathan there. It’s been sat there for three years. He’s stared at it for three years, sought comfort and security and then guilt and torment from it.

Aaron taps his hand against his hip, steadies himself and then turns to one of the cubicles. He suddenly thinks about being with Robert here. He remembers pulling a hand over his mouth to tell him to be quiet, making Robert laugh, creases around his eyes as he smiled.

Aaron suddenly jumps up and turns when he sees someone walk in. He half expects it to be someone he doesn’t even know considering how many people work on his floor, but he isn’t that lucky. It’s Finn. Finn’s standing there.

Aaron ducks his head awkwardly and Finn just still stands there with his mouth half open like a fish for a second or two before shuffling on his feet.

“Oh. Wow.” Finn’s eyes dart.

“Did you want something?” Aaron practically growls out.

“Loo.” Finn points awkwardly and then looks around and Aaron feels silly. He looks towards the floor; knows he should be leaving now but he just stays where he is because he doesn’t want to have to face Bernice again. Or anyone else really.

“Well don’t let me stop you.” Aaron says, finally gets his feet walking towards the door before he hears Finn start speaking again. He’s flapping about, telling Aaron that he’s basically seeing someone, but not seeing someone. He mentions a flipping hospital bed somewhere in the middle of it all. “What are you saying?”

“How did you know Robert was into … guys.” Finn says. He just says Robert’s name and Aaron’s crashed back to earth, he’s back to thinking of him until his mind feels like it’s melting. “Because I … I thought he was into girls, you know, ladies’ man. He looks like one but obviously …”

“He’s bi.” Aaron shrugs. “And I knew because he told me.” Finn nods his head slowly and then he’s giving Aaron this other look. “What?”

“Are you and Nathan over then?” Finn looks at Aaron’s bare hand. Just looks. Aaron gulps hard as Finn stares up at him again and Aaron nods slowly. “So you and Robert are …”

Aaron spills over. “Why, you planning on telling the whole office?”

“I’m just asking.” Finn hesitates.

“What? If he’s on the market?”

Finn blushes. “I just told you I’m seeing someone. Or sort of.” Finn stumbles on his words again, Aaron’s sure he says the guy is unconscious and then he crosses his arms. “Sorry.” He says before walking towards the door.

Aaron steps in front of him. “No, it’s … it’s alright.” He says slowly. “I’m just … we’re not together.”

Finn nods his head slowly. “People would be alright with it if that’s it. Maybe not Nathan or …”

Aaron’s jaw locks. He imagines him and Robert together, giving things an actual go but it seems so abstract in his mind, so distant. Then he thinks about Nathan. He hasn’t even thought of him finding out about them, there’s no need to even contemplate that. He just keeps shoving all of it to the back of his mind because it’s not going to happen anyway.

“Robert.” Aaron whispers. “Not Robert either.”

Finn gives him this sad look and then Aaron nods his head and leaves. He walks out onto the office floor and then freezes when he sees Robert leaving Bernice’s office again. He watches as Robert practically senses that Aaron is about. He sticks his head up and his eyes flicker. Aaron manages to hold Robert’s gaze for a full five seconds and he counts it as something before Robert is walking away.

Aaron gets waved down by Bernice and he walks towards her office slowly. He half expects her to be dramatic, choose not to sit like she did last time and make him feel like a piece of shit about things. She doesn’t though, instead she thanks him for coming in and taking the personal days. She asks if he’s any better like he’d come down with a cold and he watches her eyes practically burn into his bare hand.

“Right.” Bernice says, she pulls her chair in further to the desk and smiles. “I don’t need to tell you that you should have disclosed your work … based relationship to us immediately. You acted irresponsibly and unprofessionally.” She looks at a folder in front of her. “God knows how much time you took off to …”

“I get it.” Aaron itches his eyebrow. “I got it the last time I was here.” He bounces his knee slightly and then sighs. “Look. I’m good at what I do.”

“When you actually do it.” Bernice says.

“You’re not my boss.” Aaron waves a hand out. “You don’t _know_ what I do.”

“Maybe not.” Bernice says and then she tilts her head. “You’re not being fired. Not today anyway.” She looks away and Aaron’s face stays exactly the same.

He tries not to show how relieved he is. He tries not to show the fact that he was counting on still having a job, still having _something_ to show for himself after the shambles of this last week.

“Oh, no need to thank me.” Bernice says. Aaron rolls his eyes, pretends like he’s just rubbing a hand over his face. “Well, it hasn’t got anything to do with me actually.”

Aaron shrugs. “Exactly. If Lawrence reckons that my personal life ain’t nothing to do with work then …”

Bernice laughs. “This wasn’t Lawrence either.” She says. Then she leans forward, her chest is bright red and it’s clearly that she’s so frustrated by Aaron. “It was Robert.”

Aaron frowns, feels his heart pound. “R—Robert?”

Bernice sighs, has her hands gripped on the table. “That’s why he was in here. Negotiating. He said that he’d leave if you got to stay.” She snaps before looking away like she’s just realised that was the one piece of information Robert told her _not_ to repeat.

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “You … what? He’s leaving?”

He feels like he’s going to be sick. It’s the only thing he can focus on. He has to sit up straighter, widen his legs and tilt his head down a little before breathing in and staring up at Bernice waiting for her to tell him he’s heard her wrong.

Bernice crosses her arms over, stays silent.

“Bernice.” Aaron snaps.

“He’s got a job lined up. Lawrence’s daughter has … I don’t know … some business for him in London.” Bernice looks uncomfortable, like she shouldn’t be saying a word of this. Aaron suddenly remembers what Robert shouted at him on that layby, he’d turned down a job. Aaron hears Chrissie’s name, and he breathes in sharply.

Aaron doesn’t say anything for so long. He shakes his head slowly. “So he’s … taking it?”

Bernice shrugs. “Well Lawrence seems to think if he’s helping out his daughter, he can keep you.”

Aaron sort of wants to tell Lawrence to fuck himself but he can’t afford to in more ways than one. So instead, he stands and walks out and leans against the wall near one of the meeting rooms for what feels like ages as he battles what he knows is the panic attack that has been waiting in the wings for days now.

He walks towards one of the spare meeting rooms, his legs feeling like jelly as he grips onto one of the leather chairs and tries to breathe through it all.

\--

Robert walks into the bathroom and stares at himself in the mirror before turning on the tap and pouring water in between his palms. He stares down at the way the water runs freely and then stops when he sees that Vic has sent him a text asking him if he wants to come round for tea and he thinks about the last time he was there. Andy was punching him in the face, and he wasn’t really stopping him.

He texts her back, tells her that he’s fine, that he just needs some space. He hopes that she’ll take the hint, give him time to sort out his head before he breaks the news that he’s got a new job. One that’s in London. Vic’s going to think that Aaron has drove him away and he’s not sure how right she’ll be about it.

He thinks of fresh starts until he’s in one of the lifts and feeling a hand slam against the door, heavy breathing. He looks up and sees that Jimmy’s standing there. _Jimmy_.

Robert doesn’t have the head-space to deal with whatever it is he could possibly say so he’s thankful when Jimmy just gives him this little look like he’s purposefully holding something back. The tension is almost unbearable until Jimmy’s finally speaking.

“Have you ever been in a lift with actual lift music?”

Robert’s eyes widen and he looks towards Jimmy slowly. “What?”

“You know, in the films like.” Jimmy shrugs. “You always hear lift music, I never have.”

Robert nods his head slowly, dips his head down again.

Jimmy hums. “Maybe they’ll install it if I ask.”

“You care that much?”

Jimmy frowns. “Could be soothing.” He says. “I need the calmness, trust me.” Robert thinks it’s over for a second. “Would you sign a petition if I actually tried to –”

“I won’t be here.” Robert blurts out. “I’m … leaving.”

It’s the first time he’s said It out loud. It’s suddenly real.

“Because of Aaron?” Jimmy just _says_ his name like it’s nothing. Robert tilts his head up, looks hesitant and he’s not trying to be.

“I was … I’ve got a new job. That’s … all.”

Jimmy doesn’t look convinced in the slightest. “So you’re not even _with_ him? After all that?”

Robert almost laughs because Jimmy makes it sound so romantic, like they’ve been through so much, like he _knows_. He breathes in.

“It was an affair Jimmy.” Robert shrugs. “And now it’s …”

“Well him and Nathan are done. Saw he ain’t got a ring on anymore. Just now.”

The lift opens and Robert stays rooted on the spot thinking so hard until Jimmy walks out and his feet figure out what to do. Jimmy looks at him like he’s expecting him to start talking.

Robert sighs, adjusts his tie awkwardly. “Yeah ‘cause I told Nathan about us.” He blurts out, because there is _no way_ he’s going to get himself wrapped up in the possibility that it’s anything _but_ that reason. He’s thankful when Jimmy doesn’t have a quick reply.

“I’ll … see you around.” Robert says, mainly because he hasn’t left officially yet and his desk is still _his_ desk for the time being. He nods, waves a hand out and starts walking to the exit.

“Robert.” Jimmy calls out. Robert looks over his shoulder. “You and Aaron. I wouldn’t mind one bit you know.” Jimmy says.

Robert doesn’t know what his face is meant to do with that information. His eyebrow raises.

“I’ve been … tumblring.” Jimmy tilts his head. “I think that’s what it’s called.” He seems utterly chuffed with himself, sticks his chin out as he smiles. “Being bisexual must be so cool.” He says innocently.

Robert laughs, for possibly the first time in days and days. He dips his head down and smiles. “Cheers.” He says.

“I just thought you should know, you know … and Aaron … well Aaron’s a good lad.”

Robert feels his heart give way and he clears his throat. He thinks about how much Aaron hates him for what he’s done. It takes over everything. He goes to say something but Jimmy pops back into the lift.

He clearly just wanted to go along for the ride then.

\--

It’s raining by the time Aaron comes out of the office. He wants to head straight to his car, but nothing is ever that easy. He spots a bright pink umbrella and tries to make a run for it because he instantly knows it’s Leyla. The sound of her heels over the rain makes him shut his eyes, brace himself before she’s walking towards him.

“You’re soaking.” Leyla says, she all but yanks him towards the back of the building and they stand under a tiny dip in the roof which shields them from the rain. “Better?” She asks.

Aaron just stares at her, gulps. “Why you being nice to me?”

Leyla frowns. “It’d be a bit weird if I weren’t.” She says. “My affair was talk of the place only a few months ago.” She almost laughs. Aaron starts shaking his head. “What?”

“But you were the other woman. You weren’t … Liam in the situation, I was.” Aaron points to his chest. “ _I_ ruined things.”

Leyla stands straighter. “Yeah and by the looks of it, you’ve beaten yourself up enough about it for the both of us.” She says, then leans towards him. Her umbrella nearly whacks him in the first and he has to dart back slightly. “Everyone will move on to something else soon, something bigger and juicer to gossip about.”

Aaron scowls. “What you’ll give them all something else to talk about then?” Leyla darts her eyes about. “You were the only one there to hear it. So you must have …”

“I told Priya. We’re mates.” Leyla whines. “But Bernice was eavesdropping. So.” She sobers. “I am sorry.” She doesn’t say anything for a second. “See you’re not wearing …”

“It’s over.”

“Over over?” Leyla asks. Aaron nods. “So you and …”

“He’s leaving.” Aaron whispers and it feels like so much to say suddenly. He dips his head down. “London.” He says. “So there ain’t no me and …”

“Aaron.” Leyla crowds his space even more. “If you want there to be then go do something …”

“I was meant to have time.” Aaron shouts. He thinks of the space he was going to give Robert; how much good it would do. It was always in the back of his mind, even when he was feeling hopeless about everything.

He always had time at the very least.

It makes him start charging away from here before she can say anything else.

\--

Aaron doesn’t know why he’s here. Well he does. He doesn’t want to sit in his room at his mum’s, or sit in the back room, or worse, out front, and have to deal with Marlon banging on about how he’s been in doomed relationships in the past. Aaron moves his hands around the wheel of his car and sits for what feels like hours before he plucks up the courage to get out and walk towards Nathan’s flat. Nathan’s. He steadies himself slightly and convinces himself that he’s there to get some of his things because Nathan really hasn’t chucked him enough.

Aaron walks with his head down until he hears someone speaking.

“He’s not in.” Aaron hears. He turns around and sees Nigel behind his desk as usual.

Aaron frowns. “What do you mean? When will he … be back?”

Nigel suddenly looks awkward and Aaron realises that he can handle more bad news today, he can take it.

“He’s in Wales. With his … with his brother and you know, his mum and dad.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Wales?” He shakes his head. “I … so he’s gone?”

Nigel shrugs slowly and his eyes dart. “He didn’t tell me how long for. He just said that … you have your key to get the rest of your things.”

Aaron feels like the rug has been pulled out from under him and he’s not sure he deserves to be this shocked. The last time he saw Nathan, he looked so much stronger than Aaron feels. He was controlled, almost stoic in the face of them talking about how dead in the water their relationship is. He should have expected this and yet he still has this ache in his chest and tears in his eyes.

“You do have your key, right?” Nigel asks, he leans his head over a little and then calls Aaron’s name when Aaron just sort of mindlessly stares into space.

Aaron shakes himself, looks up and scowls. “Like you care.” He spits. He has this anger running through him because Robert is leaving, and Nathan is leaving, and he deserves _all_ of this. He doesn’t know what he’s meant to do, or think, or feel. He supposes he should be relieved that Nathan will get to be happy, that Robert won’t be having to put his life on pause for no good reason anymore.

But he isn’t, because he can’t be. He can’t.

“You let Robert up.” Aaron looks at Nigel up and down and then shakes his head. “I could have you sacked.”

Nigel stands straighter. “He said it was an emergency.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “You knew _exactly_ what he meant.” He says. “But you didn’t …”

“I don’t know how Nathan didn’t.” Nigel says suddenly. Aaron’s eyes widen. “I just had to look at Robert’s reaction when I mentioned your name in front of him.” He says. “It was obvious what was going on.”

Aaron steps back. He breathes in and wonders what Robert looked like, if he was smiling, if he seemed nervous or happy. He thinks until he feels like his head is going to full off and he needs to stop it.

He walks away, manages to buy a bottle of something and sit in his car like a loser, listening to sad music and drinking way too much. It’s that which makes him both brave and stupid. It ends up with him driving to Robert’s, parking haphazardly and banging his door down until Robert answers.

He regrets it instantly because Robert just stares at him, this shock written all over his face.

Aaron doesn’t know how drunk he is, but he feels his cheeks burning and his hair is a mess and there’s definitely tears in his eyes that are making it hard to see Robert clearly.

“What are you doing here?” Robert huffs. He doesn’t open the door wide enough for Aaron to get inside, he just peaks his head through and then Aaron is shrugging his shoulders. Robert scowls, proper looks at him. “You’re drunk.” He rolls his eyes. “Go home Aaron.”

Aaron doesn’t. Instead, as Robert goes to shut the door, he sticks his foot out and pushes until he’s inside Robert’s flat and he’s hit with about a million different memories. He always saw the place as cold, lacking something and then when it was just the two of them here it was just filled with all this light and warmth and life. Now, it feels hollow.

“Don’t have a home anymore.” Aaron spits out.

Robert looks away and Aaron just wants to peak into his brain and see why he can’t even look at Aaron as he says that.

Aaron looks around and then stares back at Robert, staggers slightly. “So.” He says. “Nathan’s … _gone_.”

Robert doesn’t even flinch. Aaron wants to shake him, ask him how he can stay so _unmoved_ when all he wants to do is kiss him and shove him and scream at him. He has this ball of electricity, it’s like he’s juggling it in his hand, and it keeps nearly falling because it’s too much to handle.

“Wales.” Aaron staggers again and then just plasters himself back against the wall so that the room can stop spinning. “With the sheep.” He almost laughs, rubs at has face as it reddens. He probably looks mad, he feels it. “And you know … the snakes. Well. One. _Sonny_.” He shudders. “That’s how I got this.” He points to the bruising on his face.

Robert doesn’t say anything, but he looks away like he doesn’t want to see.

“Because … Nathan told _everyone_.” Aaron shudders. Robert stands taller but his shoulders seem to sag down. “At the stag that I didn’t even _want_ to be a fucking stag. That thing.” Aaron says. He’s just speaking, and it feels good to be so close to Robert, for him not to get to run away from it. “And Sonny punched me, I deserved it. I deserved …” He heaves slightly and pulls himself off from the wall. “And Andy hurt you …”

“Aaron …”

“He’s a fucking _idiot_.” Aaron slurs. “Don’t even know him and I think he’s …”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Robert says. He still has this massive wall up and Aaron hates it so much.

“You didn’t have to tell him.” Aaron whispers and Robert instantly knows that he’s talking about Nathan again. “Then he … he wouldn’t have told my whole family and Leyla. That’s – she’s how work know, I didn’t tell …”

Robert nods his head slowly. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” He shrugs, mainly because he didn’t want everyone finding out like that.

Aaron had told him where the stag would be, but he didn’t go there. He was going to wait. He would have waited all night for them to stroll back through the door boozed up and happy. He wouldn’t have gone there to the pub like that. For some weird, wild reason there was still this thing in the back of his mind saying: ‘this would hurt him too much’ and he actually listened to it.

Aaron dips his head up. “Just – li-sten then.” He stumbles on his words again.

Robert crosses his arms over. “There’s nothing I want to hear from you.” It’s a lie. It really is. He just has no clue how to deal with _this_ right now. “Just go.”

Aaron frowns and he shudders. “What like _you_ are. You’re going. To – to London.” He says.

Robert’s face falls and his eyes are so wide suddenly because he’s too caught off guard for words. “How do …”

“Bernice let it slip. Couldn’t _wait_ to tell me that I’m only sticking around ‘cause of some _agreement_ you had.” Aaron rubs a hand over his face. “You’re _leaving_ , to – to work with Chrissie. _Chrissie_.” His voice breaks and he has tears in his eyes again.

Robert breathes in. He looks like he’s trying not to get emotional over this but his head dips down for just a fraction of a second and it’s enough for Aaron to know how true it all is. His face crumples. “Yeah.” Robert says. He nods and then stands taller. “I am. Not that it’s any of your business.”

Aaron leans back against the wall again. “Well that’s _bullshit_.” He whispers. “You’re only going because of me.”

Robert rolls his eyes, almost laughs and there’s anger there that Aaron can see. “It’s not all about _you_ , you know?”

“So you making Lawrence keep me on ain't about me either right?”

Robert looks down. “I ... it's done now.” He says, but what Aaron knows he means is that all that they have been through is done so he wasn't about to watch Aaron lose anything else. It shouldn't make Aaron's heart flutter, but it sort of does and that's the saddest bit about all of this.

Aaron wipes at his face. Then he walks towards Robert again and almost stumbles for the second time.

“You’re drunk.” Robert tells him. Again. Like it means that whatever Aaron’s going to say won’t count.

Aaron goes for it.

“You weren’t.” Aaron whispers. “When you told him. When you …” He hitches a breath. “I should _hate_ you for that, hate you the way I know you hate me. I should.” He dips his head down. “But I don’t.”

Robert’s eyes widen slightly and then it’s like he remembers himself and just ducks his head down. “I don’t care.”

Aaron’s heart pounds and he bites at his lip to stop from crying. “I do.” He whispers. “I can’t _stop_.”

Robert frowns. “What, thinking about what a perfect little stag-do I ruined?”

“I was going to do that myself!” Aaron shouts. Robert just looks at him like he has no idea what he’s saying. “I wanted _you_ , just … just _you_ and I was telling him.” Aaron says. It feels like there’s this weight being lifted off of his shoulders, like he’s swimming away from all this denial and shame. “I was going to tell him everything.”

Robert’s eyes turn glassy, but he doesn’t speak. It’s like that for what feels like a very long time. Aaron remembers his dream; he wants the ground to swallow him up. Robert just has his mouth half open. He goes to say something and then doesn’t. Eventually he just shakes his head. “Of course you were.”

Aaron feels like he’s being punched in the stomach. He shudders. “I was.” He says. “I …”

Robert isn’t calm anymore, instead he waves a hand up and starts pacing around the room. “What, in five years or ten Aaron?”

Aaron shakes his head. “No, I wrote …”

“You wrote a date down, convinced yourself it’ll be then that you’ll tell him.”

Aaron comes closer towards Robert and shakes his head. “ _Then_.” He says. “After I … you left, I … just watched you walk away, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t watch you – walk away.” He squeezes his eyes shut and then opens them again. He’s most definitely drunk, he’s an absolute mess but he’s never felt so honest before.

“You did.” Robert whispers.

“Last time I could.” Aaron’s chin goes. “I was telling him. I promise.”

Robert rolls his eyes and Aaron’s struck by this terror that Robert won’t believe him.

“You expect me to _believe_ that?”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he can hear the panic in his own voice. “He was – he was coming back for his stupid cowboy hat and I told him I had to – to go with him. That’s why … why I was here.” Robert’s eyes flicker. “Robert. I …”

Robert takes a step back and it hurts so much. He folds his arms over. “Aaron, just go.”

Aaron shuts his eyes for a second and then he’s opening them, eyes blue and wide. “I wrote him a note.” He says. Robert twitches at that. “Would you – believe that? I’m a _coward_ so I was writing it down before I told him. But he came in, so I had to stop.” He shakes his head, slurs slightly and it makes it sound less genuine than he wants all of this to be.

“Of course you did.” Robert says after a second or two. He nods his head because he’s protecting himself and it makes Aaron’s heart ache. “Of course.”

“I did.” Aaron’s head feels heavy suddenly. “I …”

“Nathan ripped the ring off your finger so you’re here saying anything you can to get me to …”

Aaron shudders. “No.” He says quickly. “No, I just …”

Robert looks away.

“I … Rob.” Aaron leans closer and has a ghost of hand on Robert’s chest. He wants to touch him, wants to be so close. He tips his head up but Robert pulls away. He just pulls right away again, and Aaron screws his eyes shut. “I’ll go. I’ll … sorry.” He huffs. “You don’t … care, why would you – care what … I’m saying. Doesn’t change … anything. I know.”

Robert gulps thickly and Aaron hears it. He stares at him, soaks him in. If he was sensible, if he wasn’t this mess, he’d ask when Robert was leaving and try to burn the date in his mind because he can’t help but do more damage to himself.

“I’m going.” Aaron says, he keeps nodding his head along and then he gets to the door and stays steady on his feet. He gets his phone out and his hands tap away slightly until he’s ordering an Uber and waving his phone out to Robert like he even cares. “I’m sorry.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and then he steps forward again, his face brushing close to Aaron as he opens the door for him and grips it firmly as he looks down at Aaron. He doesn’t speak, that’s what makes this so hard. It makes Aaron lean forwards, be an idiot and think that it’s OK to tilt his head up and stare at Robert’s mouth like he hasn’t just rabbited on about how he knows Robert doesn’t want him.

He’s mad.

Robert’s hand on his chest is enough to make him realise that but it’s also enough to make his heart pound and this feeling swoop through his chest out of nowhere. Aaron shudders, head still bent as Robert says his name. He just says his name but it’s enough to make everything seem harder between them, further away than Aaron ever wanted Robert to be.

 _London_ , he thinks of it so suddenly as Robert’s hand drops from his chest.

He wonders for a second if Robert heard how fast his heart is beating, how his simple touch made all this difference. He wonders and wonders until the thought floats from his head and he has to take a step back and lean against the door frame. He just stares at Robert for a second, takes in his eyes and his freckles and the fact that he was his in this really simple and yet complicated way only a week ago.

Aaron’s phone buzzes and he stares down to see his Uber driver messaging him. It makes him look up, and he’s stunned to see that Robert’s still giving him the time of day. He stands straighter.

“M’going.” Aaron says, again. He lifts himself up and then nearly trips on his own feet, but Robert’s hand is against his arm firmly and it makes everything better and worse. He pulls away from Robert abruptly. “No. Don’t.” He says, like it physically hurts.

Robert stares, Aaron can hear him breathing and he latches onto it for a second and wonders if he thinks he said it because he’s been hurting himself. He dares himself to look up and sees a flash of fear in Robert’s eyes that stops when Aaron stares.

Robert holds the door open and watches Aaron leave. He hangs by the door as Aaron walks away, then he’s watching Aaron from outside of his window. He sees him, walking towards a car and getting in. He thinks of him driving here drunk and it makes his heart tighten with worry that he knows shouldn’t be there considering.

 _Considering_.

Robert just stares and feels like his head is about to fall off. As the car drives away from his sight he’s suddenly struck with the realisation that he can’t possibly bring himself to believe a word of what Aaron’s told him.


	38. A note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is thrown by a confession. Robert remains reserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter for some reason was difficult to write. hope you enjoy!

Aaron has his head down at his mum’s breakfast table when he hears her slam down a glass of water, hears the fizzing of the aspirin. He groans, lifts his head up and sees that she looks less than impressed by his very being. He doesn’t have the strength to listen to whatever she’s trying to tell him, so he doesn’t.

He just picks up the glass and downs it as soon as possible.

“Hmm. Like _deja vu_ that.” Chas pulls out a chair and sits opposite him. He frowns at her and she rolls her eyes. “You. Drinking. Last night.”

Aaron sets the glass down again and doesn’t say a single word. He’s down here for a fry up, not his mum trying to get into his head.

“Why’d you get blind drunk?”

Aaron rolls his eyes, runs a hand over his face. “Why’d you think?” He asks. It’s a mistake really because it only invites his mum to sit there with this frown on her face and think. He can hear the bacon on the pan sizzling away, the radio’s on loud enough and he knows he should have just begged Marlon to bring something up for him later.

“You said you don’t want him to go.” Chas tells him. She scoots closer. “Last night.” She says, tilts her head. “You were mumbling … over and over again.”

Aaron breathes in, bites at his lip. He had a dream that Robert left without Aaron knowing, he was running after him, but Robert couldn’t hear him, or see him, or even _sense_ that he wanted Robert not to go. London’s this big place, so fast paced and lively and Aaron’s not even going to think about Robert hating it and coming back where he belongs. Instead he’s thinking about all the opportunities that are going to be thrown Robert’s way as soon as he steps off the train. Work wise and other.

 _And other_.

Aaron thinks of where Robert belongs until he’s blue in the face and his mum is shoving a plate in front of him. He nods up at her and she scowls. He has to give her something.

“Nathan’s leaving I take it?”

Aaron gulps hard and he’s struck by that too. He didn’t forget, it just slipped through somehow. It says it all really. It makes him nod his head and then suddenly look guilty. “He’s gone to Wales.”

Chas sighs. “Oh.” Her eyes dart slightly. “I’m sorry love.”

“And Robert’s going to London.” Aaron says, he plays with the string of his hoodie and watches as his mum’s eyes widen. “For a new job, he made Lawrence keep me on, let him go work for his daughter. So everyone’s … happy.”

Chas sighs again. “What?” She says. “I’m …”

“What, sorry?” Aaron whispers. “I don’t deserve him mum.” He says suddenly. It just filters through and makes it hard to breathe. “Never did really.”

Chas shakes her head. “Well I don’t believe that for a second.”

“You’re my mum. You’re not meant to.” Aaron says, with a sigh. Chas throws him this look, almost like she doesn’t know what to say. Then her eyes are widening. “What’s that face for?”

“You said you chose him.” Chas says. “You were going to tell Nathan. Surely that has to …”

“He didn’t believe me.” Aaron says, he sighs harder and picks up a slice of toast. “Why would he? I messed him about so much.”

“But this is different.” Chas says. She looks at him seriously. “Love, do you want to be with him?”

Aaron shakes his head. “That doesn’t ma—”

“Of course it does.”

Aaron doesn’t want anything else really. He thinks about how he’s denied this overwhelming sense of love, need, want, for so long and how it’s ruined everything. He thinks of who Robert makes him want to be, how if he closes his eyes all he still sees is him _._ Aaron nods his head slowly.

“Well then.” Chas says, she looks proud of him. “Tell him.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “He didn’t believe me. I even told him I wrote it down, in here and …”

Chas frowns, follows Aaron’s eyes towards her notepad and grabs for it.

“No mum don’t …” Aaron groans out, mainly because it’s awkward and he doesn’t want her to read what he’d written down in here when he was this nervous wreck.

Chas comes back to the table slowly and then frowns as she flicks through page after page. “Where did you write it?”

Aaron frowns, peaks forward. “On one of the pages. I pulled it out but … I put it back.”

Chas turns the notepad upside down and then shakes it. Aaron feels his heart thud and twist hard.

“It’s gone.” Aaron says. His voice is tight as he speaks, and Chas tells him not to be silly. “I put it back in there when Nathan came in and then we left. It’s …”

“Probably fallen on the floor.” Chas says and she looks around like she’ll magically find it. She gets her phone out, shines the torch around the floor and Aaron runs a hand over his face.

“Mum …”

Chas gets up and looks around the piddly kitchen, turning things over. “I’ll go ask Marlon.” She says after a second.

Aaron’s left sitting at the table, trying his hardest to not get his hopes up. He thinks it’s fitting that the only shred of evidence he has that he wanted Robert, _only_ Robert, is lost. He deserves this. He almost doesn’t want it to be found. It sounds defeatist, but so does trying to be with someone who hates him, someone he doesn’t even deserve.

The thought drags him away from the room. He tries to risk it, head through the bar and he’s stunned to see Sarah sitting there at one of the tables with a bloke he doesn’t recognise. They’re talking, laughing. He darts back through before she can see him and then just starts walking as far as he can.

He ends up in the cemetery like a loser. He looks around and sees that he’s alone before dropping to the ground at Jackson’s headstone. Aaron brings a hand out, touches the headstone gently, and moves his finger over where Jackson’s name is written. His hand practically glides over how smooth it is and then he pulls back, thinks about the fact that he never really understood why Jackson was buried here. He lived here for a very short period of his life, he died in a home he hadn’t known for long and yet he’s _stuck_ here.

Aaron thinks of Jackson being stuck here for what feels like forever before he stares up at the sky and sees that it’s clearly later on in the day than he realised. He just left without his phone, but he knows that his mum has probably wondered where he’s got to. She might have found the sodden note after all. Aaron doesn’t even know if he wants her to.

The clouds gather and Aaron realises that he’s sat here for ages and not even attempted to say anything to Jackson, like he can actually hear him or whatever. He’s just needed someone to be there, just like he needed Nathan to be there. The thought swirls and he thinks of all that safety and security Nathan gave him, how really, deep down, it should have always been more than that.

Always.

Aaron looks up when he sees Cain stood a few metres away from him. He nods his head and then Aaron breathes in.

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah and I’m older than you so don’t make me have to sit down with ya on the ground like that.” Cain says, he sticks a hand in his pocket and Aaron rolls his eyes before standing up.

“Did my mum send you again?”

Cain frowns. “No.” He says. “Should she have?”

Aaron shakes his head. “No.” He says. “I’m … fine.”

“So you said.” Cain says. He looks around and then down at Jackson’s grave. He stares before looking up at Aaron. “Everyone hurts people they care about you know.” He says.

Aaron blushes at the thought of Cain understanding what his mind won’t stop screaming about.

“Look at me, and everyone I know.” Cain says. He almost jokes but Aaron understands exactly who he’s talking about. “Doesn’t mean I don’t care about them, love them.” He tilts his head. “Or that I should be alone.”

Aaron tips his chin up. Robert’s leaving. “He’s got a job in London and _everything_ and he thinks I didn’t … want him but I did. More than anything.”

Cain’s never been the perfect person for this sort of stuff. Aaron knows though that if he told his mum this, started to cry maybe, she’d probably cry too and tell him he’s perfect and that it’s Robert that doesn’t deserve him. Sam would ask him to repeat things a million times. Marlon would tell him about his twenty-nine failed marriages. Faith would ask if he has a picture of Robert for “context.”

“Then do something about it.”

Aaron shrugs. “I can’t _make_ someone want to be with me Cain.” He snaps. “I’ve … hurt him too much.”

Cain shrugs. “Make it up to him then.” He says. “Or don’t … just go through life thinking ‘what if?’” He says, ever so helpfully. “I wouldn’t give up if it were me.”

Aaron gives him this look. “If you were in love with a bloke called Robert?”

Cain pulls a face, rolls his eyes and then flashes this small smile before turning away again.

\--

Aaron’s not a stalker but he’s standing on the middle of the pavement and staring up at Robert’s flat like he really is in training to be one or something. Maybe he’s had a pint or two at some sleazy bar. Maybe. He sees that the light is on, that Robert’s probably inside sipping red wine or something and watching that boxset he wanted Aaron to get into. Aaron breathes in, steps back and lands against a wall. He rests his head back and closes his eyes for a second before taking his phone out and looking down at Robert’s number.

The letter R stares at him and he strokes his thumb gently over the letter. Aaron feels this ache in his chest about how hidden Robert’s entire impact is on his life. The single letter disappears as Aaron edits the contact and changes it to ‘Robert’ like it makes the slightest bit of difference.

_I wouldn’t give up if it were me._

For one second, Aaron thinks of walking towards Robert’s flat and getting hit with how much he doesn’t want to see him. It would hurt, it would make him ache inside, but it would feel like something he really deserves. He thinks of apologising to him, saying sorry for what he did yesterday like he regrets it. He doesn’t really. He doesn’t regret that he was able to tell Robert what’s always been stuck in his head.

Over and over and over again.

Aaron picks up his phone, just suddenly starts calling Robert like it will make things better. He wants to tell him so desperately that he’s tried looking for that stupid note, that he’s really tried, that he’s so scared that it won’t be enough either way.

Robert actually answers, he actually answers.

“I’m not drunk.” Aaron blurts out when Robert stays silent down the line. “I’m just …”

Robert breathes in. “Just what?”

“Don’t think I’d ever … I really didn’t think I’d be able to hurt anyone like I hurt Jackson you know?” Aaron feels tears prick his eyes and finds that this is suddenly easier than having to see how much Robert doesn’t care about whatever he’s saying face to face. “But you …”

“Aaron …”

“Can’t find that note.” Aaron shakes his head, heart thudding. “Fucking hurts.” He says. “Hurts not being with you. It really does.”

“And him.” Robert says it and Aaron’s eyes widen. He shakes his head and sighs as he thinks of Nathan.

“No. You. Just you.” Aaron wipes at his face as he feels tears fall.

Everything seems to ache again.

“God I hate that you don’t – don’t know that.” Aaron bites his lip and then he watches through Robert’s window as he moves. He sees his shadow and feels his heart pound.

“I can’t.” Robert whispers and then Aaron sees him. He’s standing by his window; he doesn’t look down. Aaron stays grateful. “I …”

Robert looks down suddenly and his eyes land on Aaron so quickly. He just stares and something twists in Aaron’s chest as he hears the sound of Robert breathing down the line.

“I’m not giving …” Aaron gulps hard and bottles it when he sees green wide eyes.

_I’m not giving up._

_I can’t give up._

“Aaron …”

“I’m sorry for last night.” Aaron says. “I’m sorry for now too. I’m just sorry.”

Robert crosses his arms over and Aaron can’t help but stare up at him. “Are you going to get home OK?”

Aaron doesn’t know whether to welcome the concern or latch on to the fact that Robert clearly doesn’t want him to be around anymore. Aaron nods gently.

“I’ll be fine. I’m not your … I’ll be OK just walking, it’s not that far.”

“Good.” Robert whispers. “I mean … that’s …”

“Yeah.” Aaron bites his lip gently and then he moves back against the wall before hanging up.

\--

Aaron opens the door to the backroom and his shoulders relax when he sees that his mum isn’t around. He instantly thinks about what she would say to him. She’d ask how he was, if he’s eaten, if he’s going to spend the rest of his life like this. The thoughts seem to get darker as they travel through his mind and then they all stop when he notices that his sister is in the furthest corner of the kitchen. She pokes her head out to look at him.

“Where’ve you been?” Liv asks, she tilts her head, and he looks down at the pizza box she’s holding out in front of her.

Aaron frowns, shakes his head slightly. “What are you doing here?”

Liv waves the pizza box out in front of her like it’s all she has to say. Aaron still frowns and he blames the fact that he’s still replaying how much of an idiot he was with Robert last night, and only an hour ago.

“Had half a pizza left.”

Aaron walks around to sit on the sofa and then crosses his arms to stare up at her before he sighs. “Checking up on me then.” He says before he watches Liv sit down at the table and look at him funny. “What?”

“Smell like beer.”

Aaron sobers, sits up straighter. “Sorry.” He itches his eyebrow and Liv frowns.

“Stop saying that.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he feels this rushing feeling race right through him as he thinks about what it means and how much he can’t argue against it. He squeezes his eyes shut and rubs a hand across his face before sighing again. “You’re right. It don’t mean a thing.”

“Aaron …”

Aaron ignores her, just waves his hand out and shakes his head. “Robert doesn’t believe me. He don’t believe anything.”

Liv stays silent for a second and Aaron’s not really sure he can blame her. Then she clears her throat like she’s preparing to say something. “Your mum said he’s … he’s going for that job in London. The one he turned down.”

Aaron slumps down on the sofa and shudders. “For me. He turned it down for me.”

“And now he’s …”

“He’s going. Not yet though … I saw him last night, I was ... it was easier to be boozed up.”

Aaron looks up and sees the flicker of concern over Liv’s face. He breathes in and then looks down again.

“And just now.”

Liv sighs. “And did it go well or …”

Aaron shakes his head.

Liv bites her lip and then offers over the pizza box. “Did you make a fool of yourself?”

Aaron huffs. “Cheers.”

“Sorry.” Liv says quickly, she shakes the box and Aaron takes a slice. “Chas is still looking for that note.”

Aaron cringes. “It’s useless … won’t change a single thing.”

“I think he really loves you.”

Aaron’s mouth hangs open suddenly and he’s not quite sure why. He knows that Robert loves him. He’s known for a really really long time now, but it doesn’t stop the way his mind fizzles at the thought of his sister knowing too. He shakes his head eventually, tells her that he hates him.

“Yeah maybe he does. A bit. But …”

“But nothing.” Aaron hangs his head. Liv huffs. “You don’t even know him Liv.”

Liv rolls her eyes, runs a hand over her hair and then sits forward. “Well then tell me.” She says. Aaron looks at her like she’s absolutely mad or something. “I don’t know him, but you’re clearly all in love so …”

Aaron bites his lip. “He’s … he’s amazing.” A smile creeps over his face and then he clears his throat. “And an idiot. A proper … idiot. But he’s funny too.” Aaron looks up at his sister. “Makes me laugh.”

Liv’s eyes flicker. “Yeah?”

Aaron nods. “Yeah.” He whispers. “I just … took it for granted.”

“It’s not too late, you’re speaking like it’s done.”

Aaron shudders. “He doesn’t …” His knew bounces and then he stops himself from saying anything else. Instead, he eats the slice of pizza and watches as Liv puts the TV on. There’s some match on that he’s completely forgotten about and he just sits and watches until Liv is looking at him again. “What?”

“He must know you care.” Liv whispers. “Because I do. It’s so obvious.”

Aaron nods slowly. “I hurt him really bad Liv. So he’s trying to not let that happen again and I can’t blame him for that.” He tells her. He feels proud of himself for a second until Liv is looking all sad and he tries seeing it from her point of view. He elbows her. “He knows about you n’all.”

Liv looks surprised. “What about me?”

“Stuff.” Aaron shrugs.

“Me being …”

Aaron thinks of the conversation in that pub. He tried to close himself off, keep everything in and then he was telling Robert about Liv, and her drinking, and it felt normal. “Yeah. But not just that.” He says. “I told him … he knows everything about me.” He plays with his hands and then looks at the forgotten pizza. “Things I don’t even know about myself.”

Liv’s eyes flicker. “Weren’t some seedy little affair then.” She says, maybe just to say but it makes Aaron sit up straighter and shake his head at her.

“No.” Aaron gulps thickly. “Maybe I told myself that at the start but … it was always something more.”

Liv brings a cushion up towards her middle. “I knew it would’ve been. You’re too soft for anything else.”

Aaron frowns playfully but Liv seems to latch on to how sad he looks because she leans up and nods at him.

“I think it’s all going to be OK.” Liv declares.

Aaron rolls his eyes. “You got a time machine?”

Liv shrugs, smooths a hand over the cushion. “Don’t need one of the those.” She says. “Just … keep trying.”

Aaron wants to tell her that it will be useless, that really there is no point, but he can’t because there’s just something inside him that knows that if he gives up, he’ll never see Robert again and it will be the worst thing he could imagine.

\--

Aaron goes for a run in the morning before his mum can bang on about how awful it is that he’s doing it. He’s not pushing himself, but he knows that his mum is always going to think he is.

He braves it through the front of the pub when he gets back hours later. He has his head down and then he raises it when he hears Marlon making these weird little sounds. He tilts his head to the side before following Marlon’s eyes and seeing Nathan sitting in one of the booths. He doesn’t know what he’s meant to do or say so he just stands where he is for a second or two before his feet start moving.

“Nathan.” Aaron blurts out. His eyes flicker and he frowns when Nathan looks up at him, calm as ever.

“Can we go and talk somewhere?” Nathan asks. He even stands and Aaron nods slowly, walks them through to the back room and shuts the door behind him.

He thinks about the last time they were alone like this and his heart does something weird, manages to speed up and slow down at the same time. Aaron clears his throat, starts playing with his hands as Nathan looks around the room.

“I … Nigel said you were in Wales.” Aaron takes a step back and then his eyes flicker as Nathan looks right at him again.

“Yeah. I … I suppose I needed time to think.” Nathan looks nervous suddenly. Aaron has no idea what he’s going to say next but the smile that creeps slowly over Nathan’s face is unsettling to the say the least. “About us, how much I …”

“Hate me?” Aaron asks, but it’s almost not like a question at all. He knows the answer. “There’s nothing I can do to …”

“I came here to tell you that I want us to try.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. He feels like he’s dreaming. “What did you just …”

Nathan tips his head up. “You know how I feel about you. I can’t just switch it off.”

Aaron just darts his eyes about. “I know.” He whispers. He knows because Nathan loves him, he really loves him. It’s what makes all of this harder.

Nathan shrugs. “I just keep thinking of all the times … I ignored things.”

Aaron frowns, practically squirms. “Don’t … I don’t want you torturing yourself.”

Nathan frowns back. “What do you want then?”

Aaron gulps hard. “You. Happy.”

“You made me that, you make me that.” Nathan says. “It’s mad, I’m mad for even saying that but it’s true.” Nathan shakes his head. “There’s always been something about you that I can’t …”

“That you don’t deserve.” Aaron says. “You deserve more than me. Always have done.”

Nathan shakes his head. “We moved too fast. _I_ … I moved too fast.” He says. “A house, and a wedding, and … no wonder why you wanted to escape it all.”

Aaron’s eyes stay like saucers and he struggles to think of anything to say for a second. “No.” He says. “No, none of what I did was down to you. It was about me …”

“Meeting someone you never thought would mean as much as they do?” Nathan says, calm as ever.

Aaron breathes in and then he watches as Nathan brings out a piece of paper from his pocket. His hands shake slightly, and Aaron looks down and recognises his own writing. He sees ‘To Nathan’ and then looks away again.

“Wanting to be with him.” Nathan looks down. “No matter what by the sounds of it, don’t matter what I even have to say.”

Aaron gulps hard. “You had it.”

Nathan looks wrecked. “Looking for it were you?”

Aaron stammers. “I wasn’t going to just …”

“Send this to me and do one.” Nathan asks. His eyes are red raw and then he shuts them.

“No.” Aaron says, he runs a hand over his face. “I was just writing everything down, everything you had to know.”

Nathan shudders. “Ages ago though right?” He says, almost desperately. “And you changed your mind, that’s why it’s just … at your mum’s and not ours.”

Aaron thinks of how much Robert hates him, how he knows that there’s probably no way back from where they are now. Nathan’s here. Nathan’s standing in front of him and asking him to lie. Maybe he already knows the answer, maybe he already knows that Aaron didn’t write it ages ago but he just doesn’t care. He just wants to hear what he wants to hear.

Aaron could make it easier, but he doesn’t.

Aaron tips his head down. “I was going to tell you.” He says. “Everything. Before the stag, before … before – but Robert was there when we got home.”

Nathan dips his head and then lets out this deep sigh. “So Sonny was right. Again.” Aaron pulls this face, unsure of what he’s saying. “I told him I wanted to try and forgive you and then he showed me this note.” He says. “Said I was mad, that … this says it all.”

Aaron bites his lip and he’s crying suddenly. He runs a hand over his face. He thinks of Sonny taking it, maybe being the person his mum thought she heard come in that night. He wants to swing for him.

“He was trying to rob the place or something?” Aaron scowls.

Nathan’s eyes dart. “No. I don’t know … he didn’t take anything.” He says quickly. “Struck gold though didn’t he?”

Aaron shakes his head. “I never wanted you to find out like that.”

“But you wanted me to find out?” Nathan says. “Didn’t you? That was the plan. On our _stag_ do?”

Aaron shakes his head. “I couldn’t hurt …”

“Him.” Nathan says. He staggers slightly, shakes his head. “You couldn’t hurt _him_ anymore, couldn’t carry on lying anymore. Right?” Aaron nods his head slowly, feels his heart pound over and over. “Look where that’s got you.” Aaron shudders and then watches Nathan look down at the note again. “Do you still want him?”

Aaron dips his head. “He _hates_ me.” He shrugs.

“Doesn’t answer me.” Nathan says. “Do you want to be with him or not?”

Aaron cringes. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I deserve to know.” Nathan shouts suddenly. “Don’t I?”

Aaron nods his head slowly and Nathan takes it as a yes, he takes it as what it is. Aaron wants to be with him, but it doesn’t really mean a thing right now.

Nathan shakes his head and then slowly passes the note over to Aaron.

“I’ve wasted enough of my life on you.” Nathan tells him calmly. Aaron wipes at his eyes, takes a step forward. He doesn’t know what he expected, he’s insane to think that they could have parted as something other than Nathan hating him like this.

“Nathan.” Aaron almost freezes. He stares down at the note and then feels his stomach churn with the question that he can’t stop thinking about. “Was I hard to love?”

Nathan turns, and Aaron knows it’s knocked him a little because all this kindness floods through his face. “What?”

Aaron wipes his face. “Was I … you said … it just made me think … I know I didn’t deserve you but was I …” He knows the way his mind is, how some days it seems like no one should really bother sticking around. This last week has made it even more evident.

Nathan shakes his head slowly. “You were the best. When you wanted to be.”

It’s gutting. It makes Aaron look away.

Nathan moves away and then gets towards the door. “If you come round tomorrow, I’ll have all your stuff packed up in the lobby.”

Aaron frowns. “You don’t have to do that.” He says. “I’ll … I’ll do it.”

Nathan shakes his head. “No.” He says. “I’m doing it now and then I’m going back … to Wales.” He says thickly.

Aaron, for the first time since this has all happened, thinks of what his mum and dad think. Nathan’s mum was always nice enough, but he could always tell that she thought he was a little too rough around the edges for her son. Nathan’s dad’s dead quiet. He’s probably patted Nathan on the back throughout all of this.

“Forever?” Aaron frowns. He folds his arms over and Nathan gives him this look like he doesn’t have to give Aaron an answer. “Sorry. I …” Nathan opens the door to leave. “I hope you … I hope you’re happy … soon. I … I hope …”

Nathan’s jaw locks and he looks down before nodding his head and leaving. Aaron watches as the door closes and he sits on the edge of the sofa with the note in hand.

\--

Vic pities him but she doesn’t say anything. Robert lets her indulge his absolute nightmare of a life whilst she feeds him cake and tries to talk to her brother about anything other than Aaron. The plan fails as soon as she mentions how their mum and Aaron’s mum are basically best friends now. It makes Robert raise his head, eyes widening as he goes to make a coffee for himself and escape what she’s going on about.

Vic follows him. “I know. It’s mad right?”

Robert frowns. “They’ve talked?”

Vic nods. “Well it was turning into Sugdens Vs Dingles, so mum went to sort it out and they clearly bonded over their sons being idiots.”

Robert rolls his eyes and gulps hard. “Right.”

“Almost like they’re predicting that they’ll see each other a lot more in future.” Vic crosses her arms over. “Weird right.”

Robert shakes his head. “You’re not subtle.”

“And you’re not being honest with me.”

Robert’s eyes widen. “Over what?” He says.

“Aaron.” Vic says. “Look, he might say he’s sorry, but I just think you should try and focus on …”

Robert just stills, thinks of the night before as he takes out a mug and gulps hard. “He is.”

Vic frowns at him, then she leans her head back. “Hang on, you’ve seen him?”

Robert shudders, thinks of not telling her and then realises that there’s no real point. He nods. “Last night, night before.” He says. He reaches for the coffee before realising the kettle is empty and having to move past Vic to get to the sink. There’s a few seconds of silence as the tap runs and then his sister is being her dramatic self.

“Please don’t tell me you two …”

Robert scowls. “No.” He quickly. “He was drunk, just … saying stuff.” He says.

Vic unfolds her arms as Robert switches the kettle on and starts searching for his coffee. “Like what?”

Robert freezes slightly under her very normal question. He gulps hard and then he’s thinking for a second. “Just … stuff.” He shrugs. “He was … saying he should hate me for what I did, and …” Robert thinks of the job in London, Chrissie’s delight with him. Aaron made out like it meant something that the job was with _her_ , like he had the right to be jealous. Robert’s not planning on telling his mum and Sarah considering he starts in a few weeks and he has time to break it to them gently. “And that him and Nathan are done.”

Robert turns towards her as she pulls a hand through her hair.

“Right.” Vic says. “So …”

“Didn’t have his ring on.” Robert says. He couldn’t help but focus on that for so long. “Had a punch to the face instead. Nathan’s brother.” He’s just speaking, and it feels like he’s just trying to register everything, but he can’t. He doesn’t want to.

“Like you.” Robert rolls her eyes as she mentions their brother. “Well I mean it; he can’t just _punch_ you and then disappear off the face of the earth.”

Robert tells her to leave it, shakes his head as she bangs on and then she’s telling him that although Andy was right about Aaron not choosing him, he shouldn’t have ever said it like that, like Robert wasn’t enough or something. Robert hears it over and over again and then stops her.

“He was.” Robert says. “He says he was, choosing me.”

Vic laughs, actually laughs and then she rolls her eyes. “He’ll say anything won’t he.” Robert dips his head. “You believe him?”

Robert doesn’t answer her. “He said he … wrote Nathan some note but he can’t find it.”

“Convenient.”

Robert breathes in. “Um yeah. Exactly.”

Vic just stares at him and he knows what she’s thinking. “So this … note, what was he going to do with it?”

“Don’t know.” Robert says. “He just said he wrote stuff down to say to him. Said he was going to tell him but when he came back to … I was here.”

Vic gulps hard, looks serious. “You believe him.” She folds her arms over, studies his expression.

Robert breathes in. “It doesn’t … change things. It can’t. I know he’s sorry but … too much has happened hasn’t it?”

Vic nods slowly but her face says otherwise. He literally watches her brain start ticking like she’s trying to work out if this is good news or not. Before she can answer, her phone goes off and she’s asking Robert if he could be an angel and drop her into town to see her friend.

“How’d you get here?”

Vic rolls her eyes. “Bus. But she’s already there, _come on_.” She says.

Robert sighs before reaching for his jacket and leaving.

\--

Aaron doesn’t know what he’s doing. It’s sort of the understatement of the year. He sits in his car and stares up at Sarah’s farm, taking in the stretches of land she has. He looks around and then moves his hands around the steering wheel as he thinks about what he’s meant to say if Robert isn’t here either. He’s already spent half an hour outside Robert’s after noticing his car was missing and this, his mum’s, seems like the safest second bet. It’s worked before anyway.

The sun is starting to set now. The small piece of paper is sitting nicely on the passenger’s seat. Aaron has Cain’s words bashing about in his head and he doesn’t know what to do with them, they’ve bought him this far at least.

Aaron blows out a breath and then opens the door to the car, taking the note into his hand before walking towards Sarah’s cottage. He has his head down when he hears an unfamiliar voice and has to stare up.

“Can I help you?”

Aaron frowns, takes in the man with a scruffy black beard and a cap on like he’s a proper farmer. Aaron goes to take a step back before deciding to front it out, keeping the frown on his face as he approaches.

“Who are you?”

The guy huffs. “You’re the one on my mum’s land mate.”

Aaron’s jaw locks and he realises exactly who it is. “I’m not your mate.” He says, eyes turning beady. “But Robert, he’s your _brother_. So the next time he tells you something _personal_ , something that he’s been through then maybe don’t act like a selfish _dick_ about it and actually _support_ _him_ instead of making it about _you_.”

Andy’s face is a picture. Aaron staggers back slightly, relaxes his balled up fists and tries to stop his face from reddening. He doesn’t even know the full story, but there was Robert hurt and Andy punching him, and he can fill in the rest.

“Who the hell do you think you –”

Aaron suddenly realises that Andy’s as dumb as a box of rocks by how slow it’s taking him to gather who Aaron _might_ be. He’s put out of his misery when Sarah comes out, blue cardigan on and this look on his face when she hears who Andy is arguing with.

“Aaron.” Sarah says. Andy frowns at her and then she’s giving him this look and Andy is finally registering it.

Andy scoffs. “You’re him then.”

“I’ll take it from here.” Sarah says.

Aaron’s jaw locks again and he gulps hard as he stares at Andy.

“Don’t think you’re in a position to tell me how to treat people.” Andy says and Aaron’s eyes flicker against it.

“Maybe not, but you need to stop being such a piece of shit to him.” Aaron says, he steps forward, and Andy gives him this look like he wants to know what Aaron’s going to do about it.

Sarah looks at her son and Andy just sighs.

“Call me if that fence gets weird again, yeah?” Andy says before he scowls at Aaron and walks back to his truck.

Aaron watches him go; jaw still locked. He relaxes when he can hear him driving off. The look Sarah gives him is enough to get his back up again though.

“What are you doing here?” Sarah asks, straight to the point with it.

Aaron stands straighter. Then he shakes his head like he doesn’t know, only he does. His eyes flicker and he shudders. “Is Robert here? I’m … looking for him. I need to …”

“You don’t.” Sarah says and Aaron stands straighter. “I saw that Nathan came to see you at the pub.”

Aaron’s eyes dart. “Yeah. He did. I didn’t see you …”

“I was leaving.” Sarah shrugs. “Look, if this is you trying to tell Robert that you’re back on with Nathan and you don’t want any hard feelings then …”

Aaron’s eyes nearly pop out of his head. “What? No. No. He – that’s what _he_ wanted but … no I’m not getting back with Nathan. It’s over.”

Sarah looks like she doesn’t know what to say, like her whole spiel was designed around him getting back together with Nathan. “Right.” She has a hand on her hip and looks over her shoulder before back at Aaron.

“I just need to talk to Robert.”

“Do you really think that’s for the best?” Sarah asks, but she isn’t really asking. Aaron thinks of what her and his mum spoke about pub, regardless of the whole conversation, Sarah still seems so unsure over letting Aaron try.

Aaron frowns at her. “And him going to London is?” He asks. Only it’s so clear that she has no idea what he’s on about. He tries to take it back, but she doesn’t let it go, asks what he means. “He turned down a job offer before everything … came out. But now … now he’s changed his mind.”

Sarah seems overwhelmed by the thought.

“I thought you …”

Sarah tips her head back. “He’s not here Aaron.” She says.

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut. “I just want him to know that I … I found the note. He’ll know what I mean.”

Sarah arches an eyebrow like it’s a funny thought.

“He thinks I couldn’t choose him.” Aaron sticks his chest out; the note is limp in his hand. “I was … just before he blew everything up, I was choosing him.” He waves his hand out and she frowns.

“What’s that?”

Aaron looks down at the note. “Everything I was going to tell Nathan.” He says seriously. “Robert doesn’t believe me.”

Sarah doesn’t say anything for a second. “Do you blame him?”

“No.” Aaron says quickly. His shoulders slump and the wind picks up around them. He breathes in. “I don’t. I don’t blame him for not trusting me, or … or for how much he _hates_ me but … I need him to know that he’s …” Aaron can’t find his words, feels like an idiot.

“Worth choosing?” Sarah says, her face softening slightly as he nods. He thinks back to her thinking he’s a good lad underneath, it meant a lot more than he cared to actually admit. It still does.

“Every time.” Aaron says with a shrug to his shoulder. He breathes in. “I was just too much of a coward to do something about it in time.”

Sarah’s eyes flicker and Aaron thinks about asking her to take the note, give it to Robert so that Aaron doesn’t have to see how much Robert doesn’t want to be around him. He holds it out and then Sarah stares down.

“Keep onto it.” Sarah says, and Aaron looks up, thinks that she means something like “give it time”, then she nods, and it almost confirms it. He has no idea when Robert is leaving, but it suddenly feels like a countdown, more time than he’s thought. Aaron shudders, shoulders shaking as he strokes a thumb over it and folds the paper in half before putting in his pocket.

Aaron nods again, walks back to his car and only stops again when Sarah calls his name.

“If you think that he doesn’t love you –”

Aaron scowls. “He doesn’t. Not anymore. How could he?”

The wind picks up again, he breathes in and then watches as the sky turns from pink to red.

Sarah rolls her eyes. “Well then you’re even dafter than I thought.” She huffs, looks positively annoyed by it all.

Aaron stares at her, the corners of his mouth curving up as she rolls her eyes again. “Right, thanks. I think.” He dips his head, and she smiles and then he turns back to his car again.

He feels lighter for speaking to her. He didn’t think he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the next chapter, i think i'll be adding exactly how many chapters this fic has so you all know how many are left (not a lot unfortunately!)


	39. A job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron tries to remain determined. Robert is conflicted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somehow ... this is like nearly 9k! sorry about that. i've added how many chapters there are now :( so the countdown is officially on. remember that this is a slow burn fic lmaoooooo be warned with this chapter (and the next)

Robert’s half-dressed when he gets a knock on his door and his mum stands there with her arms crossed and Vic standing right next to her, almost mirroring her exactly. Robert rubs at his eyes, tries to wake himself up as Sarah walks into his flat with this worried look on her face.

“It’s … early.” Robert runs a hand through his hair and rubs at his eyes again. “Someone better had died.”

Sarah huffs. “No. But someone _is_ moving to London. Aren’t they?” She says. She looks devastated and Robert feels his heart pound hard and fast as he thinks about the fact that he was supposed to have time to break it to her, to get used to the idea himself.

If he’s being honest, the whole idea of taking the job was rushed, and rash, and he should have thought about it for longer than he did.

“Were you just _not_ going to tell us?” Vic says, frowning and tilting her head to the side.

Robert just stares between them both and then goes and puts on the kettle before twisting his body around and seeing his mum still standing there waiting for some sort of explanation.

“I was going to tell you in my own time.” Robert says. “Of course I was.”

“This is big. It’s massive.”

Robert nods his head and sighs before frowning. “Hang on, how do you even _know_?”

Sarah suddenly looks uncomfortable, sticks her hand in her pocket and Vic looks at her like she’s wondering the same thing. “Well that doesn’t matter.” She waves a hand out. “What matters is that we all know _why_ you’re doing this.”

Robert sighs, flicks the kettle on and walks like a zombie towards his coffee machine instead. “Because it’s an amazing opportunity.” He blurts out.

Vic frowns. “To do what?”

Robert tuns, explains about Chrissie’s growing empire, how she clearly trusts him to be so high up in her business. He’s made a good impression on Lawrence; he’s made sure to. Chrissie doesn’t have to know that her dad probably fancies the pants off him.

“What do you know about salons?” Vic pulls a face. “Yeah you put wax in your hair but you hardly …”

Robert rolls his eyes. “It’s in management. High up. I won’t need to know anything about _salons_ , just how much money they’re bringing in and how we can do more. I think.”

Sarah has this way of picking up on all his worries, confusion. She always has, since he was little. The fire increased it all, made her look at him like he was this fragile thing that she had to protect as fiercely as possible. It’s always been like that. He’d rather she quiet it down now though.

“You think?” Sarah asks.

Robert nods. “Yeah, well I’ll know more when I go and visit. Properly.” He tells her. Vic still gives him this look like she remains so unconvinced. “I know what you think this is about.” He says. “But …”

“But nothing Rob.” Vic says, eyes wet suddenly. “Why should _you_ have to leave your job?”

Robert stammers something out. “I already said, it was a good opportunity.”

“Yeah but you turned it down once.” Sarah blurts out. Her eyes widen like she realises she isn’t supposed to know that. Robert turns to her slowly and suddenly realises what’s happened here. Sarah realises too. “I …”

“Have you seen Aaron?” Robert asks. Sarah looks at the floor. “Mum.”

“Yes.” Sarah says quickly. She raises her head. “He was looking for you yesterday, came to mine. He …” She stops. “He told me you were going to London, that’s how I know.”

Robert’s jaw locks. “Well he wasn’t even meant to know so …”

Vic frowns. “You weren’t even going to tell _Aaron_?” She says it like they’re dating, like Aaron is his. He wants to tell her not to ask such a stupid question but instead he hangs his head and looks away from her.

“Why would I?” Robert says. “This way he gets to keep his job, and … move on and I get to do the same.” He shrugs and thinks hard about the fact that he really could have pushed for Aaron to be dismissed. He could have gone further. Every time he thought of it before now, he imagined Aaron standing there in front of his whole family hearing his fiancé tell everyone that he’s a cheater. It doesn’t sit right, and maybe it should, but he feels _too_ much for all of _this_ to be seen as some sort of rewarding ending for him.

Robert sips his coffee, sits up on his counter and wonders what exactly his sister and mum thought they were going to achieve by stomping in here like this. He isn’t going to magically realise that he should reconsider. The very thought of being that close to Aaron again after everything that has happened is almost impossible. They sat opposite each other, their feet touched and brushed past each other’s, almost every single place in that office is marked with a memory Robert can pull out of his mind on demand.

Sarah shakes her head. “I know things ended badly, but you’ve got a life here. You have a family who love you so much.”

Robert’s jaw locks. “I’m sure Andy doesn’t feel that way.” He says. “I can’t even admit to having an affair and then having it all … end like that without him bringing it back to himself.”

Sarah goes to say something and then there’s a knock on his door. Robert goes to answer it and then his eyes widen as he sees that Andy’s standing there, as if by magic or something. He stares at him almost in shock, just looks up and down and then Andy sees Vic and his mum.

“Oh. I didn’t realise …”

“We were having a little family reunion or whatever? Me either.” Robert says, he relaxes his hand against the door but doesn’t move away. “What do you …”

“I wanted to have a word.” Andy says. He looks at his sister again like he wants her to know that he planned on doing this privately. Vic picks up on the hint and pulls a face to Sarah before walking to the door and passing Andy.

“This isn’t over. I mean it.” Sarah says, wriggling a finger. Her tone is innocent enough, but Robert knows that she absolutely means what she’s saying.

The door closes and Andy looks at it for a second like he’s just admiring the wood. Then he turns around again.

“What’s that about?”

Robert shrugs his shoulders. “Nothing.” He says. He watches as Andy looks around the room and realises that he’s not been here for years. He’s never had any real reason to. They’ve hardly been on friendlier enough terms to have movie nights or watch the football together.

Andy frowns, suspicious before nodding. “Your Aaron coming to mum’s yesterday then?”

Robert feels his heart pound at how it sounds. He breathes in, tries not to look effected by it at all. “You – you know about that?”

Andy nods. “I was there. He gave me a proper mouthful actually about … making what happened between you and him … like what happened with … you know … Katie and …”

Robert blushes, he’s so caught off guard by all of this that he just stares at his brother. “Right.” He says. He imagines Aaron seeing Andy for the first time and barking at him like a dog over everything. “Well I didn’t tell him to …”

Andy shrugs. “Doesn’t really matter.” He looks down, plays with his hands. “Because he was right. Sort of.”

Robert frowns. “Sort of?”

Andy huffs. “Well I’m not exactly going to say you’re one million percent correct here but …” He breathes in and Robert almost smiles.

“Yeah. That’d be crazy.” Robert says. He gulps hard and then looks up at Andy more seriously. “It wasn’t …”

“Anything to do with me.” Andy says for Robert. “I know. I saw how … how hurt you looked, and I should have kept my mouth shut but … I don’t know – I thought we were in a better place and just knowing that you’d … done that again. It just threw me.”

Robert dips his head down.

“So did you, mentioning Katie.” Robert raises his head at that. “I didn’t realise it … I didn’t _want_ to realise that us working it out hurt you.”

Robert sighs. “It wasn’t that … it was just … us not getting over it meant that I was always out in the cold. It got to the point where it was just easier to pretend like we were strangers or something. But I didn’t want that. Deep down I didn’t.”

Andy’s eyes flicker. “Neither did I.” He whispers. “Always thought it’d … work out in the end.”

“Only had to try being a farmer and get my leg hurt.”

Andy tilts his head. “Exactly.” He says, almost playfully. “I’m sorry. “I’m … I just want to move past it.”

“Yeah?”

Andy nods, stares at his hands. “But that means we just … we don’t mention the past.” Robert nods. “That includes …”

Robert remembers what he said, what he mentioned at his mum’s about her and him and the fire. He remembers the sadness that was so evident on his brother’s face over it. He feels this anger seep through him over it.

“I know.” Robert nods and Andy nods back and it feels a lot like something good. It’s not like he expected any of it. He wants to keep himself at Andy at arm’s length just to be safe because he knows deep down that they both know how to hurt each other in a way no one else can. It’s what they do for some reason or other.

“Don’t really think we’ll ever be …”

Robert remembers when they were younger, a time before what happened _happened_ where they just two kids, two friends.

Andy nods. “I know.”

For a second, nothing is really said. Robert offers Andy some coffee and he turns his nose up at the machine. He settles on a glass of water and Robert is surprised at him sticking around until his brother starts speaking again.

“Has he … spoke to you?”

Robert plays dumb. “Who?”

Andy rolls his eyes, puts the glass of water down. “Aaron. Who’d you think?”

Robert shakes his head. “Not a lot to say.” He says, it sounds a whole lot like a lie.

“That he wants you.” Andy shrugs. “Something like that.”

Robert dips his head a little and the thought makes his head spin. He shrugs his shoulder again and then breathes in. “Apparently he was choosing … me.” It feels weird talking to Andy about this, he folds his arms and then unfolds them and sort of doesn’t know what to do or say.

Andy arches an eyebrow. “Apparently?”

“Well he says, but he said a lot and …”

“Do you love him?” Andy asks. He just says it like it’s nothing.

Robert’s eyes widen, his eyes flicker as he thinks about how the question isn’t even really a question. “That doesn’t … it’s not about that.”

“It is.” Andy shrugs. “Of course it is.” He says. “Because if you love him. Believe him when he says he was going to choose you, and that he wants you.”

Robert’s head feels heavy as he drops it and breathes in sharply. It sounds all so simple, logical even. He’s surprised that it’s coming from Andy but that’s for another day. “Why’d you care?” Robert asks.

Andy frowns. “Because we’re too old for me not to.” He says, like a proper granddad.

“Speak for yourself.” Robert says quickly.

Andy smiles and then dips his head. “Look, Katie’s pregnant and I’m happy. Happiest I’ve probably ever been so … I want the same for you don’t I?”

Robert still finds all of this strange, yet he isn’t complaining about this. He’s smiling instead, actually smiling. “Cheers.” He says.

“And that’s Aaron isn’t it?” Andy says. Robert looks away. “Look, just think … you told his fella everything and yet it’s not _him_ he’s chasing.”

Robert’s face twitches slightly. “It’s complicated.” He decides to say.

Andy nods back. “Well I hope it works out.”

And Robert can’t really get his head around how much he actually believes his brother.

\--

It’s less than six hours later that he’s back having his sister in his ear. He was in the middle of cooking himself something to eat, trying not to think about _Aaron_ and whatever he says and how that always differs to the stuff he does. He had a note, this proof, and yet he’s nowhere to be seen.

Vic manages to shake him out of it by waving a hand in his face. “Rob. Van. Broke down. She says. You’re meant to helping me here.” She says. Like he isn’t looking down at her engine and trying to figure out what the hell she’s managed to do with it.

“I am.” Robert looks up at her. “What does it look like?”

“You. In your own world.”

Robert gulps thickly and then looks down again. She’s not _that_ wrong. He _is_ stood here thinking of when Aaron faked an actual breakdown just so they could kiss on the side of a road for the first time. It makes his head spin and there’s this gnawing thought deep inside him that contemplates just making out like nothing bad happened and actually believing Aaron. It seems to disappear though, it _has_ to disappear because he’s too proud to get caught up in it all again, only to end up hurt _again_.

Eventually, when he actually focuses on the task at hand, he finds out her issue and fixes it easily enough. He’s surprised by how easily he’s done it. For a second he thinks of what Aaron would say and then he’s back to looking at his sister and the face she’s pulling.

“You’re meant to be thanking me now you know.” Robert tells her, only instead of doing that she mentions Andy. “We’re … better. He said sorry.” He shrugs. “What?”

“I’m just glad.” Vic says. “One more thing sorted out. Now we’ve only got to convince you to go to London.” She smiles and Robert rolls his eyes. Vic looks down at her phone and up again with a smirk on her face. “Amy says hi by the way.”

Robert frowns. “Am I meant to know who that is?”

Vic looks stunned. “My mate, the one you _saw_ yesterday when you dropped me off. She lives in the village.”

Robert nods slowly. “Right.” He says, moving past her van.

“Shall I say hi back?”

Robert turns, knows exactly what she’s trying to say. “Don’t.” He shakes his head.

Vic acts innocent. “What?” She says before giving up the game so easily it’s a joke. “OK fine. But get this … Amy’s the girl mum was on about from the village. How spooky.”

Robert frowns. “Not when you consider the percentage of people under the age of forty who actually live in that village, no.” Vic rolls her eyes. “Anyway she’s your mate.”

“And?” Vic shrugs. “Could be weird but you could be happy with her so …”

“I don’t need …” Robert stops, and Vic stands straighter, seems to understand. She changes her attitude almost instantly.

“Yeah. Sorry. I … I was only …”

“You don’t have to.” Robert tells her. “Right off you go, if it packs in again, call a flaming mechanic and not your brother.”

\--

Aaron stares out of the window and finishes the pint he’s drinking to steady his nerves, silence the doubts that are spinning around in his head. He has the note sat on the table next to him. Aaron stares down at it. He’s thought about reading it back himself, so many times but he hasn’t.

“Is that what I think it is?” Aaron hears. He turns and sees his mum coming into the back room.

Aaron nods his head slowly. He hasn’t really filled her in on Nathan’s last farewell, so he does, mumbles something about how Sonny took the note when he was searching for anything of actual value and stumbled across the gem. The thought still makes Aaron angry.

“He only told him about it because Nathan was thinking of trying with me.” Aaron scowls. “He wouldn’t have told him otherwise.”

Chas shrugs. “Well. He’s always been strange ain’t he?”

“Could say that.” Aaron mumbles into his pint before placing it in the sink after finishing it.

“So what you going to do about it then? This note.”

Aaron gulps hard. “Tried giving it to Robert yesterday.” Chas brightens. “But I just … saw his mum instead.” Chas face changes away. “She was actually … not terrible which was good.” He tilts his head. “I’m not giving it to him ‘cause I think it’ll make the slightest bit of difference but … he deserves to know that I …”

Chas nods and then comes towards Aaron and then squeezes his shoulder. “You’re doing the right thing.”

Aaron huffs. “Finally.” He says.

Chas winks at him and his shoulders relax.

\--

Aaron knocks once and then twice before waiting. He stares at Robert’s door for a full two minutes, just staring before he crouches down and tries his letterbox.

“Look. I get it if you don’t want to talk to me but …”

“Oh. You’ve just missed him.”

Aaron turns, gets up from his position slowly before seeing Robert’s neighbour George standing there looking like the old guy from Up with his walking stick and glasses. He startles Aaron, makes him run a hand through his hair and frown.

“I … what do you mean?” Aaron wipes at his knees and clears his throat.

George frowns. “Sister rang, heard him telling her to calm down. It’s probably nothing.” He says. He still has his door agar and Aaron just sort of stares at him. “She always rings.”

Aaron tries to smile. “Right.” He says. He gulps hard, thinks about the fact that he’s just missed Robert for the second time in a row. “So you … you don’t know when he’d be back then?”

George shakes his head. “No. Sorry.” He says before frowning. “Hold on.” Aaron’s eyes dart awkwardly. “You’re that bloke I saw before? What was your name again?”

Aaron gulps thickly and looks around like he isn’t sure what to say.

“Don’t take it personally. I’m old. I forget.”

Aaron’s never been very good with old people, he sort of wants to tell George to do one, but he doesn’t. He thinks of what Robert would say. “Aaron.” He says.

George nods slowly. “Well. Aaron.” He says. “Like I said, I’m old and I have a leaky tap that needs seeing to. Maybe you could come and see to it, wait until Robert’s back.”

Aaron frowns. “I … no I think …” George shrugs, waves a hand out like he won’t mind, and it somehow makes Aaron feel bad, so he comes in.

The place sort of smells of old people like Emmerdale does. He looks around, sees pictures of George with a man and a woman who he presumes are his children. He keeps his hands in his pockets as he stares, tilting his head before George points to his bathroom.

Aaron stares at the tap, looks back at George. “I take it you have tools or something to tighten it?”

George nods, but he’s already sat down so Aaron ends up playing hotter, colder with him until he finds a screwdriver and very simply stops the leaking tap. George seems happy enough and he feels better for helping until George is offering him a bottle of beer and asks him why he hasn’t seen him for a while.

Aaron sits opposite George on a flowery patterned arm chair and sighs. “We … we’re not … _together_.”

George frowns and then he’s turning bright red. “Oh. I know what you all call it when you just have the benefits or something and …”

Aaron cuts him off as quickly as possible. “No. I was with someone. When I was with Robert.” He tells him. “Engaged. Proper … engaged.” Aaron thinks about how much he’s grown over the last week. It’s mad to think of how much perspective he has now, how he rightfully gets how absolutely out of his mind he was when he thought he could genuinely keep up whatever he was doing. And Robert told him. “So. Yeah.”

George arches an eyebrow and Aaron shuts his mouth, decides not to elaborate and bore him to death.

“Sounds like a TV drama that.” George says, almost like he has nothing else to say.

Aaron huffs. “Felt like one too.” He says, almost relieved by the reaction considering what George could have thought of him.

George frowns. “So, why are you here?”

Aaron gulps. “Because I didn’t … I didn’t try and deny it. I couldn’t. I was going to come clean, but he got there first.” He pulls out a note. “Even wrote this, confessing everything.”

“Why’d you look so worried then?”

Aaron sits straighter. “Because he hates me.” He says. “For how I treated him. There’s no way he’ll …”

“But yet you’re here. Trying.” George says.

That’s what this is. He’s doing all the chasing he did during the affair but this time it’s different, this time everything seems clearer. It’s why he stays for as long as he does. Eventually, George puts on his tea and Aaron’s hanging around like a spare part until he hears a car down shut and senses that it’s Robert.

It makes him get up, walk towards the window and then back to the door seconds later when he sees Robert walking into the building. He waits for a second, tries to keep him cool before he’s telling George that he’s going now, and George is wishing him luck. The door shuts quickly behind him and he leans against it, feeling his heart pound in his chest over and over again until he walks the small space from George’s door to Robert’s.

Aaron’s seconds away from knocking. He has his hand hovering over the door and then he stops. He stops because he hears Robert talking to someone on the phone, he says the name Amy, says that she seems nice and that she asked how he was. He doesn’t _seem_ uninterested. It makes Aaron feel this sharp pain run through him and then he backs away as slowly as he can.

\--

Leyla feels sorry for him. Aaron doesn’t need her to say it. He just knows by the way she turns up in a glittery top and bright pink heels and tells him that they’re going out for the night. He thinks she’s mad. He says as much, sat against the stool at the bar of the Woolpack with his head stuck in his phone.

“But why not?” Leyla says. She makes it sound like she’s actually considering how Aaron feels about her plans when in reality, Aaron knows that he’s going to be asked to get his coat in a second.

Aaron looks up at her as she sits at the bar and tilts her head. He thinks she’s joking but she isn’t. She almost seems genuine with it. Aaron considers ignoring her, telling her he has a headache and not going into detail about how said headache revolves mainly around the note burning a hole in his pocket and Robert and this daft girl _Amy_.

“I’m not in the party mood.”

“Who said anything about partying?” Leyla says before looking around. “Could beat staring at the same four walls of this place though right?”

Aaron chews on his lip for what feels like a second before he rolls his eyes and gets up from the stool. “Give me a sec to change my top.”

Aaron passes his mum on the stairs as he comes back down and she just gives him this look, one that asks if that’s his pulling shirt or not. He almost wants the ground to swallow him up.

“Just need to get out of here for a bit.”

“On your own?”

Aaron sighs. “No. Leyla from work. She’s just … appeared.”

“The one who _told_ work then?”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Yeah. That one.” He walks past her and then turns his head around when she calls out his name.

“You’ve not said a word all day.” Chas says, with a frown on her face. “Is it the best idea to go off out on a …”

“I’ll be fine.” Aaron tells her, even though he doesn’t exactly feel fine.

The feeling seems to seep right into how he feels sitting across from Leyla in some club playing pop music from the early 2000’s. He has his head bent down, sipping a pint for what feels like ages until he looks up and sees Leyla just staring at him.

“You must feel real sorry for me.” Aaron decides. He tilts his chin up and then sees that Leyla is looking at him funny, so he decides to clarify it for her. “You took a cab to my mum’s just to take another one here and sit sipping a cocktail.” He waves a hand out. “So you must really feel …”

“Well that’s where you’re wrong. Not everything’s about you.” Leyla snipes and Aaron feels like an idiot for a second before going back to sipping his pint.

The lights turn from blue to red suddenly and he doesn’t really understand why so he curses the twat he sees in the corner of the room who’s flicking switches on some sort of remote control. He actually turns to scowl at him and then gets back to looking at Leyla who’s swirling a paper umbrella around her drink.

“You look more unbothered than me.” Aaron says.

Leyla looks up, almost surprised. “What?”

Aaron rolls his eyes and thinks about how for some reason, him and Leyla are actually friends. They’re complete opposites half the time and he’s sure that he hasn’t really forgiven her over being the gossip that she is and making the whole office realise about him and Robert. But. They’re friends so he knows why she’s got that look on her face.

Her hair looks nice and he’s sure they’re new shoes she’s got on so it could only be Liam or family.

“What’s he done?”

Leyla’s eyes widen like he’s a physic. “How’d you know?”

“Well it’s him or Alicia.” Leyla’s eyes dart. “So I’ll ask again, what’s he done?”

Leyla taps her fingers against the table they’re sat on and then huffs. “He … he cares more about not hurting Bernice than us getting anywhere with our relationship.” She spills. “I saw him today with her, practically hugging they were.”

Aaron frowns. “What did he say?”

Leyla sips her drink and then rolls her eyes. “That he doesn’t want her upset. Something like that.” She waves a hand up and then shakes her head at Aaron like she doesn’t buy it. “I don’t know.”

Aaron cups his face with both hands and leans forward on his elbows lazily. “He’s probably just not trying to … aggravate it. You know? Make it worse.”

“Nice.” Leyla nods slowly. “He’s too nice. But he should be concentrating on _me_. I’m the one he’s with.”

Aaron nods. He doesn’t know when he became this sort of bloke who listens to relationship woes, but it’s definitely happened. “True.” He says, just to say.

“It’s like you hugging Nathan just to check he’s OK when you’re …”

Aaron gulps hard, “Well that’s impossible now so …” He mumbles into his pint and almost believes Leyla didn’t hear him but he’s not as lucky as that. Instead she asks him what he’s on about and he’s forced to actually tell her. “Nathan’s gone to Wales.”

Leyla looks quietly horrified for a second before her face changes like she’s not sure if she should be. “Maybe that’s for the best.” She says slowly. “How’d you feel about it?”

Aaron sits up straighter, almost struck by the question. Aaron shrugs slowly and then itches his eyebrow. “I didn’t want him to have to go because of me but …”

“You didn’t want him to stay because of you either I take it.” Leyla says, and Aaron’s almost irritated by how right she is so he just nods his head. “Do you regret it?”

“What?”

“You and Robert?”

Aaron gulps hard, shakes his head slowly. It’s an instinct reply because despite everything, it’s simple. “No.” He leans forward again. “What about you?” Leyla stares at him blankly. “With Liam?”

Leyla doesn’t say anything, her response isn’t as quick as Aaron’s was, but he doesn’t want to point that out, so he watches as she shakes her head. “No I don’t regret any of it.” She tells him. “Doesn’t mean it’s not hard, difficult. Doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes think that the grass might not be as green on the other side as I hoped you know?”

Aaron nods his head. Only he doesn’t really know if he’s being honest. He doesn’t know what it feels like to be with the person you shouldn’t really be with because it was all secrets and lies. He’s not with Robert. He’s never been with Robert properly. It’s all very simple in his mind, it has to be.

“Maybe me and Robert wouldn’t work then.” This doubt seems to creep in and tug right on his heart until the words come out and he watches as Leyla looks at him like he’s just said he’s planning on becoming a florist or something like that.

“Of course you would, you wanted to be with him didn’t you? That was the whole point of … everything.”

“Yeah but Robert …”

“Who’s Robert?”

The question sort of shocks Aaron before he even registers that it’s someone he doesn’t even know. He looks up and sees this bloke looking at him with these weird hungry eyes thing and Aaron gulps hard around how much he wants to wallop him over the head for just saying Robert’s name.

“We’re having a conversation.” Aaron bites.

Only the bloke drags his eyes up and down Aaron’s body in a way that makes him realise that he doesn’t want to be _talking_ with him necessarily. Aaron rolls his eyes at him.

“I can see that.” The bloke says. “That Robert sounds …”

“He’s not interested so take your greasy hair and sleazy self and be on your way. OK?”

Aaron smirks into his pint glass and watches as the bloke seems taken a back a little by how abrupt she was. He stays for a second and then he’s turning away again and Aaron’s clinking glasses with Leyla and actually enjoying himself for a second or two.

Somewhere in the midst of everything, the music gets louder and he gets closer to Leyla to hear what she’s saying. The light flashes from yellow to pink suddenly but Aaron doesn’t mind all that much anymore.

“Not looking to move on then.” Leyla says, her shoulders bopping up and down to the music as Aaron stares at her.

Aaron thinks of this Amy, thinks it could be nothing just as much as it could be everything. He thinks and yet still comes to one conclusion. “No. Not even a bit.”

Leyla pulls this face, then smiles. “What a softie.” She says.

Another hour or two seems to race by before Aaron’s walking out of the place with Leyla for some fresh air. He seems to instantly feel better for it until the bloke from hours ago is coming out of nowhere again, this time smoking a cigarette and making Aaron want to deck him again.

“We meet again.” The bloke smiles this weird smile and Aaron looks back to see that Leyla’s on the phone and being all mushy to Liam. The bloke tilts his head. “Come back to mine if you like. That Robert seems like a right prick.”

Aaron breathes in. “Get lost.” He says, and then he realises the bloke’s just about Bambi on ice and he shakes his head at him.

“Doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.” The bloke’s just a drunk twat one second and then the next thing Aaron knows, he’s pulling Aaron in by the waist and Aaron pushes at him hard.

The bloke manages to fall flat on his back and for a second Aaron thinks it’s over with. Then he feels himself being pushed and he turns and swings. _Then_ it’s over because the idiot is being carried away by security and Leyla’s staring at him wide eyed over the fact that she’s managed to miss it all.

“You’re bleeding.” Leyla gasps, she’s dramatic with it but Aaron realises that he actually is. He swung harder than he thought and his knuckles on his right-hand ooze with blood. He stares down and then shakes it, trying in vain to stop the way it throbs. “We should call it a night; I’ll get us a taxi.”

Aaron nods his head slowly.

\--

Leyla swore she was feeling fine and yet the taxi driver that chucks them out of his cab, says otherwise. She’d been sick and he had promptly told them both to do one which led to her whining down the phone to Liam and him coming to get her. He offers to take Aaron too, but Aaron says no, decides to take the long route down some country lanes back to Emmerdale.

It also means he’s alone and thinking which naturally causes him to keep going on about everything that his mind has shut out for a few hours. He ends up having to stop walking because he’s feeling light headed. He takes some refuge in a bus shelter whilst it starts to piss down and it gives him this unwelcomed opportunity of having to look at his knuckle and see that whilst the bleeding has stopped, it still seems to ache.

Aaron strokes a hand over the raised skin, slowly and softly and then hisses as he runs a finger over too harshly. He stops suddenly and then gets to his feet again only to stop dead when he sees a car approaching him on the country lane. He could recognise the car anywhere, recognise the person from anywhere and it makes him dart back towards the bus shelter and almost wish that he was invisible. Mainly because it’s Robert and he doesn’t have the note with him and it’s in the middle of the night and –

The list could go on.

The thing is. It doesn’t have to because Robert’s car slows right next to him like he can do in the dead of night with not another car in sight. Aaron stares and then quickly looks away under the blinding of Robert’s headlines.

“Shit.” Aaron says, pulling a hand up over his eyes as Robert rolls down the window.

“What are you doing?” Robert asks. He sounds so calm and put together but then Aaron latches on to the slight tremor in his voice.

Aaron realises it’s because he has his hand over his eyes which means he bloodied knuckle is there for Robert to see. He lowers it slightly as Robert keeps gazing at him.

“Not waiting for a bus.” Aaron decides to say because he doesn’t know _what_ to say right now.

Robert still stares at him, eyes widening. “Do you need … a lift back?”

Aaron thinks of the fact that Robert is going in the opposite direction, probably back home after seeing his mum. He suddenly thinks about the fact that he told her about London, and he wants to apologise for any grief he’s caused despite being secretly hopeful that she’ll be able to change his mind.

Aaron shakes his head. “No. My mum will only …” She’ll only take a look at his hand and then realise he’s been drinking and baby him the whole night. He doesn’t know what he wants right now other than to sit here and stare at Robert.

“Get in then.” Robert says. Aaron lifts his head up; thinks he’s definitely hearing things. Only Robert pushes a button that unlocks the doors and then says something about Aaron bleeding on the side of the road like he’s just been stabbed or something. Aaron doesn’t know whether he should move but then Robert gulps hard. “Or stay here.” He shrugs.

Aaron doesn’t want to stay here so he gets in his car and feels like he’s really dreaming when they drive in silence back to Robert’s and then he’s actually in his flat. It feels warmer than it did the other night. He looks around and watches Robert flick a lamp on which makes the room a soft orange colour. He stares until Robert looks up.

Aaron holds a hand over his fist and then watches Robert frown at him.

“What?” Aaron whispers.

Robert shakes his head slowly and looks away, Aaron kicks himself for cutting short whatever Robert was trying to say to him.

Aaron drags his eyes over towards the picture Robert has on his bookshelf of him holding Vic as a baby with Andy’s arm pulled around his shoulders. He smiles gently before gulping and tasting alcohol.

“I … gave Andy a mouthful. Sorry if …”

Robert stays where he is, a few metres away from Aaron like they can’t be any closer than this. He nods his head slowly. “Yeah. I know.” He nods. “He apologised for … punching me, things he said.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Shit.” He whispers before looking up at Robert. “Did you … are things better or …”

“We’re not best mates but … we can be … something better than just civil.”

Aaron’s shoulders relax and he nods. “Could always just shout at him again if he gets out of line with you in the …” He stops himself, stops because he’s acting as if him and Robert are having a normal conversation and he hasn’t been bought here because Robert clearly feels sorrier for him than he realised.

Aaron gulps down words and tilts his head back on the wall only him leans a little too far and nearly trips over himself.

Robert comes a little closer and then his eyes dart. “Have you … been drinking?”

Aaron breathes in and feels himself back against the wall successfully. “Bit.” He says. “Don’t worry, ‘m not … going to be sick or anything.”

Robert dips his head down. “Didn’t think you would.” He says before looking at Aaron’s hand again.

Aaron tries to ignore it, tries focusing on something else other than what he knows is the only reason Robert stopped his car. “Um. Leyla was. In the taxi. That’s why … I was … at the bus stop. Felt a bit dizzy.”

Robert looks worried suddenly. “You want some water?”

Aaron shakes his head and then nods. “Yeah. Actually yeah thanks.” His eye follow Robert as he walks into the kitchen and gets him a glass of water. When he passes it over to him, their hands touch, and Aaron makes it a big deal in his mind when Robert doesn’t even look at him.

“You can sit.” Robert tells him.

Aaron does. He sits and then suddenly remembers too many things. He gulps hard around a bunch of memories and then bites his lip as he pulls his head down and looks at the floor. He bounces his knee for a second and then when he looks up again, he sees that Robert’s got out his first aid kit.

“Robert, it’s not that …”

“Need to clean it.” Robert says. He sits on the coffee table opposite Aaron. “Or we could go to the hospital?”

Aaron pulls a face and then holds his breath as Robert pulls his hand towards him to look at his knuckles.

“How did you do it?” Robert says. His voice is calm and controlled and Aaron just stares up at him as he wipes slowly.

“Some bloke … tried it on.” Aaron says. It makes Robert raise his head, his eyes widening a little. “Didn’t get to swing back.” He says, almost playfully. Only Robert looks like he isn’t seeing the funny side to any of this.

“Did he do anything?” Robert asks.

Aaron’s eyes widen in surprise. “What? No. Nothing. He was just … pissed. He touched my waist and I pushed him and … then lamped him.” He says.

Robert has the smallest smile on his face. It’s mostly in his eyes and Aaron gets caught up in it for a second before feeling lightheaded again. He blames the alcohol swirling through him right about now. He looks away from Robert and it calms a little.

Robert wipes at Aaron’s knuckles for a second more before Aaron is hissing and Robert is reacting in a way he would have done before, he all but dips his head and kisses where he’s hurt, and Aaron breathes in deeply before Robert’s letting go and wrapping a bandage around the area. It seems a tad extreme but it’s more time he supposes, more time for whatever this is.

“You said Leyla was there.” Robert asks before closing the first aid box.

Aaron nods. “Reckoned I needed to stop moping about, let my hair down or whatever.” He rolls his eyes.

Robert dips his head. “Move on?”

Aaron practically scoffs. “What?”

“Make me jealous or something? Show me what I’m missing out on? Me or … or Nathan.” Robert stands and walks towards the kitchen again. Aaron follows him.

“No.” Aaron shakes his head and then searches the look on Robert’s face, the way his jaw is locked. “Did it?” He asks.

Robert doesn’t say no. He doesn’t say anything for a second. He just stares at Aaron and then has a hand on his hip, scoffs.

“You’re unbelievable.” Robert shakes his head, turns back towards the sofa and sits slowly.

“Don’t answer that … I’m pissed.”

Robert tilts his head up. “That becoming a regular thing?” He says, so seriously that Aaron has to raise his head sharply and pull this face.

“No.” Aaron tells him.

Robert doesn’t look convinced in the slightest. He leans back on the chair and then bites his lip the way Aaron does. It makes Aaron look away slightly. “What would you have done if I didn’t see you?” He asks, looking down at Aaron’s hand.

Aaron frowns, he doesn’t understand for a second and then his eyes flicker. “Nothing.”

“I saw you sitting there, just staring at your hand.”

“Yeah ‘cause it hurt.” Aaron says.

Robert huffs, he stretches his head up towards the ceiling and Aaron’s heart pounds under the accusation.

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m not.” Aaron says quickly. “I wouldn’t.”

Robert just gives him this look. Aaron gulps hard under it and then sighs.

“Never works with you anyway. You … always sure through it. Saw me.” Aaron whispers the words and Robert looks away. He looks away and Aaron thinks it says everything, so he goes to stand. “I should be …”

Only he staggers back down slightly and the room spins.

Robert shoots up and then looks towards the door before looking back at Aaron. “You can … you can sleep on the sofa. If you want.”

Aaron’s mouth hangs open. “I don’t want to cause any …”

“It’s not a marriage proposal Aaron it’s a sofa.” Robert blurts out.

Aaron gulps something down. “Nice one too.” He whispers. Robert’s mouth curves into the smallest smile again and then it’s like he remembers himself because he stops.

“Spare toothbrush in …” Robert stops like he’s remembered that Aaron knows. He isn’t a stranger.

“Thanks.” Aaron says quietly.

\--

Aaron manages to sleep. It takes a while and for ages he stares around the room. He looks down at his phone and sees that both his mum and Leyla have sent him texts asking if he’s OK. He doesn’t tell them the truth; in fact he tells both of them that he’s with the other one and it works.

The sky is pitch black by the time he feels something wake him up and his eyes flicker open as he sees that Robert is walking towards the kitchen in his pants and a grey top and he’s getting a glass of water for himself. Aaron rubs at his eyes, stares and then Robert is turning to look at him almost like he thought Aaron would still be asleep.

Robert dips his head down. “Sorry I just …”

“Why can’t you look at me?” Aaron mumbles, his voice is heavy with sleep and he feels brave suddenly.

Robert still doesn’t. “I …”

Aaron shudders as he pulls Robert’s blanket over him and gulps. “Do you hate me for not leaving Nathan soon enough?”

“We don’t have to do this Aaron.”

Aaron nods. “Will you always hate me?”

Robert looks up at that. “Aaron …”

“I’m sorry I told your mum about London.” Aaron tells him. Robert’s jaw locks slightly. “Just slipped out when I had the note.” He breathes in. “Nathan had the note.” Robert stops dead. “I was going to give it to you yesterday but …”

“But what?”

Aaron shudders. “Heard you mentioned this _Amy_ girl and I had to … I had to go. I didn’t …”

“She’s no one.” Robert blurts out, maybe before it even registers but it makes something quieten in Aaron’s mind. Aaron stares at him. “What?”

“I don’t want you to go.” Aaron whispers. Robert shuts his eyes. “I don’t … I don’t.”

“Aaron, too much has …”

Aaron sits up slowly and feels tears in his eyes. “I’m scared too.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and Aaron thinks about closing the space between them, pressing a hand on Robert’s chest and kissing him like he wants to. But he doesn’t. Instead, he watches as Robert clears his throat and backs away to his room again. Aaron lays back down and stares at the ceiling again.

The next morning, he leaves before Robert can even see him.

\--

Aaron stares at the coffee machine as he walks into the office building. His mind stretches back to when he first met Robert, spun around and looked at him and sort of found it difficult to concentrate on anything other than his eyes. Aaron rips his eyes away from the machine and walks towards the lifts, ten minutes later he’s in the office and Leyla is giving him this soft smile.

It feels weird being back but he’s not going to bang on about it. Instead he just nods his head and walks to his desk. He has to stare at the desk across from him, directly opposite. Robert’s empty chair is just there as well as all the _stuff_ spread out across his desk. Aaron looks, goes to pick up one of his pencils and then feels a slap to his back that makes him jump up.

Aaron turns to see Jimmy standing there with a smile on his face.

“Good to see you back.” Jimmy seems jolly enough and Aaron isn’t about to be rude back. He’s grateful for it.

“Thanks.” Aaron says. He sits slowly at his desk and then stares up at the picture of him and Nathan. He gulps hard before picking it up and placing it in his drawer. His shoulders relax as he slides down further on his chair and then spins to see Jimmy still staring at him. He goes to take off his jacket when Jimmy’s eyes dart. “Is there anything …”

“No.” Jimmy shakes his head and Aaron stares around, sees that almost everyone is staring at him. He breathes in and then turns to see Robert walk through the office.

Aaron stands, almost on instinct and then he’s walking towards the bathroom before Robert can see him. He pushes through the door and then stares at himself in the mirror, runs a hand through his hair like he has to make himself look more presentable than he does. He clears his throat, turns the tap on like a splash of water is really going to make a difference. It doesn’t. Instead he just looks like he’s gone for a swim. He clears his throat and then shudders.

Aaron nods at himself in the mirror like he’s trying to psych himself up and then he opens the door again, sees Robert walking right past him with a box full of his stuff. Aaron almost bumps right into him but then he backs up and Robert looks up right into his eyes.

“Hi.” Aaron says breathlessly. He tries to stand straighter and then crosses his arms over awkwardly before dropping them. Robert dips his head. “Can I … can we talk for just like a second, I just need …”

Robert looks away, doesn’t say anything before nodding his head. Aaron’s shoulders relax and he follows Robert back into the bathroom.

“You were gone. This morning.” Robert says it like a fact but also almost like a question, like a _why_ and Aaron breathes in hard.

“It seemed right.” Aaron tells Robert before frowning. “Well actually, no it seemed wrong. But I know that … I had to go.”

Robert nods his head slowly.

“I wanted to say sorry.” Aaron says. He frowns, breathes in. “For last night.” He gulps hard. “For everything. I don’t even think I’ve even said that. I haven’t. I’m … I’m so sorry.” He bites his lip and then feels his eyes fill with tears. “Because I never meant to hurt you the way I did.”

Robert’s jaw locks. “We don’t have to do this, be sad and … and …” He sighs. “It’s done now.” He says. He stares down at his box full of all the things from his desk.

“Not for me.” Aaron blurts out. Robert looks up sharply. Aaron steps forward and then back again before shuddering. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” He whispers. Robert looks away from him and Aaron tries to think about what exactly he wants to say. It seems easier when Robert isn’t looking at him. “Nathan wanted to try again, with me.” Aaron watches Robert’s eyes widen. “But _Sonny_ showed him this.”

Aaron takes the note out of his pocket and holds it up. He stares down at it and then up at Robert’s whose finally looking up at him.

“What’s that?” Robert shrugs, he tries to pretend like he doesn’t know. Somehow it seems easier than believing Aaron.

“Everything I was going to tell Nathan.” Aaron breathes in and then frowns. “I didn’t want to tell you about it, because I know how you feel about me, and it won’t change but …”

Robert gulps thickly. “Why are you saying this then?”

Aaron wipes at his eyes. “Because I love you.” He says suddenly. It sort of just drops out of his mouth. He feels it hang through the air and make Robert’s face fall like it really is this massive news. Aaron knows he hasn’t said it a lot, that it’s been a while but it’s still as true. It shouldn’t be. “Because I know I’ve been selfish, and – a _nightmare_ who doesn’t deserve you, but I want to be with you. Just you.”

Robert’s face turns bright red.

Aaron shakes his head. “I know this … it’s too little too late, I waited way too long to try and – and make it easier on Nathan and it only made it worse – and I’m _sorry_ but I … I’m not sorry for how I feel about you.” He says, he squeezes his eyes shut and hates that he’s crying right now. He breathes out slowly. “I said that … what I felt for you was too much but it’s just … I don’t know what to do with how much I love you, need you. It’s … terrifying. It is and I … I fucked everything up, but I can’t just let you think I didn’t want you.”

Robert just stands there; Aaron sees how his hands grow looser around the box he’s holding.

Aaron bites his lip. “I did, I still do even if it doesn’t matter now.” He strokes over the note and then sighs.

“I’m going to London tomorrow.” Robert blurts out.

Aaron’s head dips. “For – for good?”

“To see the office.” Robert whispers. “I just thought you should …” _Know_? Robert’s mind screams.

Aaron’s shoulders relax and he steps back, leaves the note near the sinks and then comes closer to Robert again. For a second he thinks about just leaving, being proud of himself for finally doing what he should have done months ago. Something gets in the way though and he suddenly holds out a hand, cups Robert’s face and kisses him lightly on the cheek.

Robert turns his head down towards Aaron, doesn’t push him away. Aaron leans back after a second and then leaves. Robert’s left staring at the note.


	40. A fence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is surprised by Chrissie's plan. News from Sarah helps reassure Aaron.

Robert holds the box of his belongings tight to his chest and then nearly whacks himself against his own front door because he’s so in his own head. He swears, tilts his head back and digs into his pocket for his keys. He holds them out, balancing the box before having to drop it on the floor to turn the key in the lock.

Aaron’s words cloud his mind and the thoughts only seem to stop when George is opening his door and staring at him.

Robert looks up. “It’s only my box George, don’t worry.”

“Your box?” George asks. He frowns, and then Robert looks down at the box near his feet. “You going somewhere.”

“I’m changing … jobs.” Robert says because it sounds a lot like everything he’s tried to convince himself he needs for weeks and weeks.

He’s changing jobs.

It’s a good thing.

He doesn’t hold any ill will towards Aaron, doesn’t even know how but it stops _there_. Everything _has_ to stop there.

“Ah.” George nods his head slowly. “Because of Aaron?”

Robert’s sure that he’s hearing things. “What?”

“He was here the other day. To give you a note.” George leans against his door frame the way he always usually does. Only now, he’s got the look on his face like he’s proud of himself for remembering.

“You saw him?”

George nods. “He fixed my leaky tap.” He says. A smile spreads nicely across his face. “He’s quite good at that.”

Robert just stands there and then he unlocks the door and tries kicking the box inside his flat. “Well I should be …”

“Did you get it?”

Robert stops.

“The note?” Robert nods slowly and George almost looks as relieved as Aaron did. “I reckon you should be happy.”

The words sort of make everything stop in Robert’s chest. He is happy, he’s got an amazing job lined up and a family that love him and yet he knows exactly what George is saying.

If he didn’t, the wink George throws him is more than enough to let him really know.

“Evening.” Robert says, just to be polite.

Then he walks into his flat and sets the box down on the table. He looks down at the sofa and touches the soft blanket Aaron had slept under. For a second, he’s that sort of idiot he bends his head and breathes in Aaron’s smell and then his phone is going off, so he’s forced to get a grip.

It’s Chrissie, so his grip really has to tighten.

She’s asking about tomorrow, if he’s definitely coming. He wonders why she’s not putting this all in an email, but he doesn’t tell her. He doesn’t tell her half the things on his mind.

“I tried calling earlier but you didn’t answer.” Chrissie tells him.

Robert gulps. “Oh sorry. I was getting the rest of my things from … work.”

“Right. I thought you might have been at your mother’s or something. She does own that charming farm doesn’t she?”

Robert frowns. “Uh yeah.” He says.

“But she isn’t a farmer, per say?”

Robert shakes his head like she can see him. “No, my dad was but she just … has all the …”

“Land?”

Robert clears his throat. “Yeah.” For a second, he thinks about the land and what would happen to it if something were to happen to his mother. He supposes she’d split it three ways or something. He suddenly thinks of Andy taking over and it causing some sort of rift or them being able to move the business further, teaming up, making something together.

“Robert, are you still there?”

Robert nods. “Yeah. I’ll uh … see you tomorrow then.” He says before hanging up.

\--

Aaron walks through the back way on purpose. He tries to avoid his mum, or Marlon, or anyone else who will want to ask him how he is. He’s successful for ten minutes and then there is a knock on his door and his mum is standing there with a hand on her hip.

“Mum, please just …”

“No.” Chas says. “Because you didn’t come home last night and – and –”

“I slept on Robert’s sofa.” Aaron whispers. “And for a second, I thought it’d mean something, but it didn’t. Neither did me … pouring everything out that I’ve kept inside for so long. It didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything.” He breathes in and suddenly feels tears in his eyes. “I don’t think it ever will.”

“Don’t … don’t say that love.”

Aaron shudders, tears falling down his face now and he’s not sure he can think of the last time he really _really_ cried everything out the way he wants to. “I said all this stuff and all he said was that he was going to – to London tomorrow.” He sits on the edge of the stupid sofa bed and brings is knees up towards his chest. “Talking about his new job. That’s all he had to say.”

Chas sighs. “I … I really think …”

“What? He’ll change his mind.” Aaron sniffs. “He was it for me.”

“Don’t say was.”

“It’s true.” Aaron whispers. “It’s true mum.”

Chas stands where she is for a useless second or two before bending down and hugging Aaron tightly. He breathes in and lets her hold him close for a while. Chas rubs a hand right over his back and thankfully doesn’t say anything. It feels like enough for now.

\--

Robert stares up at the high rise building and sucks in a breath before walking inside and being pointed towards the seventh floor where Chrissie is there to meet him. She has this incredibly manic blazer on, like it’s been chewed by a dog or something and he just stares at her until he realises that it looks like he’s looking at her chest. Chrissie doesn’t seem to mind.

Robert clears his throat though and then she’s asking him how the journey was. The train was delayed, and he had to sit next to someone who kept flicking his newspaper right in his face but that’s not even the thing that he’s thinking about. Instead, he wants to complain about the amount of time it gave him to actually think hard. He could stare out of a window whilst sipping on his coffee and think about whatever that note says that Aaron gave him.

At first he thought about leaving it where it was, having the office cleaner toss it in the bin. Maybe it belonged there. In the past, forgotten about, lost. Robert had been tempted but something stopped him, he knows what it is.

It didn’t stop him from booking a train ticket here though, meeting Chrissie to discuss plans for when he starts. She’s giving him a tour of the place, planning on informally introducing him to the team so that he’s more familiar with their work and what they do. Robert’s already researched her company, seen reviews about her salons and products she sells. It hasn’t stopped him from feeling out of place. He still does now, in his fancy suit and styled hair and satchel that hangs loosely over his frame.

He manages to blag it though. He’s able to charm everyone he meets, shake their hands and listen to Chrissie try to be as discrete as she can over the fact that he’s just an old friend who has popped in to see the team. The girls seem to get along with him, one flutters her eyes and practically asks if he’s single and it makes him turn bright red until Chrissie is moving him away and asking him to come into his office.

It’s not an office. It’s more than that. Somehow it’s grander than Lawrence could ever dream of. It makes Robert stand straighter, respect Chrissie in a way he hadn’t done before. It’s clear that she’s built things up for herself.

Chrissie doesn’t sit behind her desk like he expects her to, instead she pours them both a glass of wine and takes a seat on one of her leather sofas. Robert sits opposite her and takes a glass.

Robert suddenly doesn’t even want to be here. It’s so sudden but it takes over almost everything. He thinks of Aaron and his heart hurts against how much he wants to be with him, tell him how he feels and be honest. He wants all of that and yet he’s still so scared that it’s almost embarrassing.

“You never actually disclosed why you had such a sudden change of heart.” Chrissie says, halfway through their seemingly polite exchange of words.

Robert clears his throat and thinks about the rashness of his decision. It seemed like it made sense at the time, it still does. But Aaron’s still Aaron and Robert’s not sure if he’s ever going to get over the things he said to him the other day. He’s tried, he really has but he can’t.

Robert gulps hard, stares at the skyline from outside her window as the sun begins to set. “Well I …”

“Can’t stand working for my father?” Chrissie tilts her head, smirks.

Robert shakes his head. “No, it’s not that.” He circles with the rim of the empty glass before putting it down. “This is just a good opportunity, like you said. It could be really good for me to branch out, see what sticks.”

Chrissie has this look on her face like she doesn’t quite believe him. Robert darts his head away a little. “It’s a big change though, have you ever lived anywhere else?”

Robert shakes his head. He recalls telling her things when they went on that date. He pulls it from his memory. “No, my mum owns a farm. Loads of land and stuff she got when my dad died. It wasn’t ever really my thing, but I didn’t think of just leaving, exploring out. You know?”

Chrissie nods her head. “So your mum owns all this land then?”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “Yeah, but she doesn’t exactly farm or anything. Not anymore.”

Chrissie nods again. “Upkeep must be intense. I get it.” She says, then she shrugs. “Could always do something about it though.”

Robert frowns at her.

Chrissie sits up straighter. “I mean, it sounds like the perfect place for an adventure slash glamping cite. Hasn’t she ever thought of that?”

Robert thinks Chrissie has no idea to switch her business brain off. He doesn’t mention it, just frowns at her again and then shakes his head. “Of course not.”

“Well why?” Chrissie asks. “It sounds like an amazing opportunity.”

Robert smiles slightly. “I thought _this_ was.” He says. Suddenly he’s desperate to prove that it is for some reason.

Chrissie gives back this wry smile. “It is.” She laughs. “But surely you can see the advantages, it’s something I’ve been interested in for a long time, especially with my son.”

Robert remembers Chrissie speaking about how her son was very much creeping out of his teenage years but again, he doesn’t mention it. Instead he realises what this was all about.

“Didn’t you say your sister has a food truck?” Chrissie starts getting animated about it. Robert nods. “Well that’s catering sorted. I mean yes it would be a big project and …”

“I couldn’t afford that.”

“I’d invest.” Chrissie says, like it’s absolutely nothing. She even shrugs.

Robert’s too stunned to even speak. He just laughs nervously. “I’m … here for the job you offered me.”

Chrissie squints. “You’re here because everyone knows you’ve been having an affair with an engaged man you work with Robert.”

Robert’s eyes widen and he suddenly feels like an absolute idiot. He goes to stand when she stops him by squeezing at his arm.

“Whatever is happening in your personal life doesn’t concern me.” Chrissie says. Robert doesn’t believe it in the slightest. “But the potential of using your mum’s land, making a business out of it, _that_ I’m interested in.”

Robert frowns. “How do you even …”

Chas waves a hand out. “Dad’s receptionist told me. She heard me discussing it and said your mother owned land just outside of that little village.”

Robert gulps hard. “Leyla.”

Chrissie squints. “Possibly.” She shrugs. “She was chatting away.”

“She does that.”

Chrissie raises an eyebrow. “Office gossip then.”

Robert shrugs.

Chrissie nods. “Your heart isn’t set on this, and I’m not blind to that.” Chrissie flutters her eyelashes. “I think we both know why.” Robert’s jaw locks and Chrissie waves her hand. “It’s a lot to take in but … I’d be interested in talking about it more if you are.”

Robert tilts his head up. “You could get land from anywhere.” He says.

“I think you’re good at what you can do.”

“And what’s that?”

“Charming people. You have a good business brain.”

Robert squints at her. “How long since you wanted me to do this … thing with you?” He says, because he knows that Chrissie definitely has known about his mum’s patch of land for longer than she is letting on.

Chrissie shrugs. “I like to keep my options open.”

Robert suddenly wonders if Chrissie’s always been smarter than what he thought, if this was always some sort of ploy to get what she really wanted. If she knew that he would chicken out of London just like she planned, and she’d have another project lined up almost immediately.

“You knew I’d … have something keeping me from coming down here?”

Chrissie nods. “Aaron Dingle.” She says, like she’s some sort of spy. “He always looked like he wanted to burn a hole through my skull or something. Now I can recognise why.”

Robert suddenly feels awkward, he realises that Chrissie might be more professional than he realised considering she must know that all their little dinner’s and kisses paled in comparison to what Robert was getting up to with Aaron.

“It’s …” Robert doesn’t know exactly what he wants to say. All he knows is that he doesn’t belong here and the way he feels about Aaron has almost become more overwhelming than before.

“None of my concern.” Chrissie tells him. “And believe me, this proposition has nothing to do with ensuring you and him run off into the sunset together.”

Robert almost laughs at her bluntness. “Right.” He says.

Chrissie sits back a little.

Robert sits in silence. “I’d have to speak to my mum. You know that right?”

Chrissie nods her head slowly.

\--

Sarah reacts to the news like she thinks someone is robbing her or something and Robert quickly has to tell her to calm down about it all. Chrissie’s sent over this draft that she’s clearly had saved for a while and Robert tries talking her through whatever Chrissie is planning on. Robert’s invited his sister and brother along too just to he can kill all the birds with one weighty stone.

“So it’d be right on the land?” Sarah still asks, sipping her tea and looking like she still doesn’t quite understanding.

Robert slides his laptop off his lap and nods at her. “Well yeah. She wants it to be some sort of woodland adventure thing, Maybe a glamping cite.”

Andy just sits at the edge of the sofa with this vacant look on his face. “Sounds like a lot of work.”

Robert looks at him. “Well yeah. We’d have to extend it out if we get permission to.”

Sarah nods at him and then frowns. “And you’ll be in charge of things?”

Robert nods. “For events and stuff. Which is where you come in Vic.” He turns to her. “Catering?”

Vic’s eyes nearly pop out of her head and she smiles. “Are you serious?”

“Of course.”

“It all sounds pretty big.” Sarah says, pulling a face. “But exciting too.” She says. “Just think, you working right here with your sister. Could set up a little office in your old room.”

Robert leans his head back and frowns. “OK don’t get ahead of yourself.” He says, laughing at the thought.

“But you would be here wouldn’t you?” Vic asks, more serious now. “Right?”

Robert looks down. “Is this your roundabout way of asking me if I’m not moving to London?”

Vic nods, shrugging slightly. “Maybe it is.”

Robert bites his lip and then leans back on the sofa. “I like the thought of having my own business. I suppose.” He says.

Sarah doesn’t say anything for a while, she looks down at her hands and then looks up again. “I don’t suppose you’ve spoken to Aaron?”

Robert’s eyes dart and he nods. “I have yeah.” He says. “He gave me this note, what he was going to tell Nathan before I went and … you know, blew the whole thing up.”

“A note?” Andy says.

Sarah looks away. “He told me about that himself.” Robert’s eyes widen. “I thought it was his place to tell you.” She says. “He debated whether or not to even give it to you he said, because he thought it wouldn’t make a difference.” Robert looks down at his hands. “He thinks you hate him.”

Robert’s heart thuds hard and he sits up on the sofa. “I know exactly what he thinks.” He blurts out, he doesn’t even really think. The next thing he knows, his mum is practically poking him until he speaks. “He says he loves me, wants to _be_ with me, knows I won’t forgive him.” He shakes his head. “He says all this _stuff_.”

Sarah frowns at him. “And you don’t believe him? Because I do.” She says and Robert looks up at her and then at Vic who seems less reluctant in openly agreeing. “I saw how he looked when he came here looking for you, he clearly wants to be with you and that note …”

“What, proves it?” Robert says. He shakes his head and then breathes in. “I’ve been putting it to the back of my mind since he said it because … because it doesn’t seem real.” He shrugs his shoulders. “But I can’t even … leave here without thinking of him. If he said all of that a month ago I – I would have been so happy.”

“And you’re not now.”

Robert turns slowly. “That’s the thing. I was happy. When he said it, I … I was so happy, but I couldn’t … show it. I couldn’t let him in. I just couldn’t.”

Vic bites her lip. “Have you read it?”

Robert shakes his head.

Sarah smiles gently, she has a hand through Robert’s hair. “You can’t … just run away from how you feel about things.”

“What, like he did for months?”

Sarah huffs. “Good point.” She nods. “But don’t you think life’s too short for all that? We should know huh.” She bumps his shoulder, and he looks down slowly.

“I thought you didn’t want us together?”

Sarah nods. “I didn’t.” She says. “But he’s proved himself I think. Besides, he loves you so that counts for a bit.”

Robert looks at Andy, gets a shrug and half a nod back and Vic just shrugs. He knows that she’s biting her tongue over everything and he’s not sure whether to be thankful or not.

Robert bites his lip, gulps thickly and nods his head when his mum leans away and asks to look over what Chrissie sent for the third time. He goes to grab her reading glasses, saves himself from having to repeat things to her when she can’t read the words properly.

\--

Aaron’s taken shifts at the pub to stop himself from going insane in between work. He usually starts from six and does a couple of hours whilst his mum has her tea in the backroom. It’s dead in here now though, so he’s sat on the stool like some old man just staring out to the sea of old people sipping gin.

His mum says he needs to work on his customer service, and he tells her he’s doing just fine. The other night actually, he had some bloke wink at him after giving him his drink. It made his eyes widen and he pulled this face, tried to disappear through the back but his mum wasn’t having any of it. The guy asked for his number and Aaron almost tripped on his words when he told him that he wasn’t single.

He thought of Robert and not Nathan and that was absolutely _something_ that happened. He still hasn’t really stopped thinking about it.

Marlon comes through with two plates of food and Aaron begrudgingly accepts them, practically tosses them on the table for the couple who keep holding hands and smiling at each other like they’re the only ones in the room. It’s sick.

Aaron gets back to his stool, finds himself scrolling through flats in the area that he can look to rent when he feels a tap to his shoulder and sees that Liv has come out of nowhere behind him.

“Where’ve you come from?”

Liv frowns. “The back door.” She says. “Here for the free food, not to check up on you if that’s what you think.”

Aaron pulls a face back at her, nearly sticks his tongue out. “I wasn’t thinking that.”

Liv frowns. “Too busy thinking about finding a flat of your own then right?”

Aaron underestimated her powers of being a spy. She arches an eyebrow, and he goes to say something when Chas comes towards them. She’s heard. It’s great.

“You don’t need to move out of here.” Chas says. She waves a hand out. “I can change up your room, make it actually yours again.”

Aaron pulls a face. “I need my own space.” He says, he thinks anyway. “Seriously mum, I need to …”

“What, move on?” Chas says, like the idea is maddening.

Aaron sighs, rolls his eyes. “I’ve got to.” He says. “Nathan’s gone, Robert’s … going.” He says, dips his head down.

“You can do something to change that.” Liv frowns, almost sounds naïve.

Aaron shrugs. “Giving him that note didn’t.” He says, he bounces his knee. “Or … telling him what I want, which is … you know … just him.”

Chas breathes in, goes to speak.

“He’s moving on ain’t he?” It explains why he stood there in silence as Aaron practically poured his heart out to him.

Chas goes to speak _again_.

“Mum, just save it, please.” Aaron tells her.

To his absolute surprise, she does. She goes back inside to finish her tea and him and Liv talk around the fact that he’s never felt so lost in all his life. Somehow, in the midst of her talking to him about how she’s playing Until Dawn again, he feels this tiny flicker of what he wants to call hope come out of nowhere and he can’t quite put his finger on it, but he latches on.

\--

Robert’s one of those people sitting outside a café on his laptop scrolling through stuff Chrissie has sent him about contracts and planning permissions. The sun’s out and he’s rolled up his sleeves, has to peer down and turn the brightness up on his laptop to read. He almost goes to sit inside when he sees a woman staring at him from across the road with this look on their face like she’s happy and nervous at the same time.

Eventually she walks over, and Robert sits up straighter.

“Can I … help you?”

The woman suddenly sits opposite him. “I’m Chas.” She says. She just sort of comes out with it. “We uh … have someone in common. Aaron.” She says.

Robert’s face is a picture, he can’t see it, but he just bloody knows it. “How do you even …”

“Well my mum got a picture of you from Aaron when she begged, and that Leyla said you bang on about the coffee here so.” Chas waves her hand out. She seems to have all this energy and life in here that Aaron can’t be bothered with half the time. He almost laughs. “I guessed. I suppose.”

“You suppose.” Robert says, he doesn’t actually know what to say or where to look. “I don’t really …”

“My son’s an idiot.” Chas says. “And I don’t know you but … you don’t just blow an affair for no reason.” Robert breathes out. “I get he must have hurt you.”

Robert blushes hard. He’s not sure what Chas expects from him but she’s still just sitting there when he looks up.

“He’s not perfect.”

Robert frowns. “I never asked him to be.”

“But he loves you.” Chas says. “I know that.” She gulps and then sighs slowly. “I don’t know how much you know about me but I … I’ve hardly been the best mum, I’ve been rubbish half the time, but I know that I don’t think he’s ever loved anyone like he loves you.”

Robert feels this wave of something hit him. “How’d you know that then?”

Chas blinks a couple of times like she’s thinking. “He’s been different, for a while now. I knew something wasn’t … right with him and Nathan but that’s just how things get sometimes. Now I know why.” She says. “Because there was you. Aaron wouldn’t have carried on anything with you just for the thrill of it, I know that. So it had to be more. And now Nathan’s gone, he’s moping about the place but it’s not because of him.”

Robert dips his head down.

“I just wanted you to know that.” Chas says, waving a hand out before standing up. “If you go to London, please, think about saying goodbye to him before you do. Yeah?”

Robert blinks slowly before nodding at her and watching her walk away. He sits where he is for what feels like hours, watches the world go by. The sun sets and he has to order any coffee before they decide to kick him out, so he does, he does, and he stays, and he thinks of little else other than Aaron.

He thinks of everything Aaron said to him in that office bathroom. He thought he was leaving for London then. Maybe that’s _why_ he said it all.

_“Because I love you.”_

_“Because I’ve been selfish, and – a nightmare who doesn’t deserve you, but I want to be with you. Just you.”_

Robert breathes in, has his hands firm around his phone and he scrolls until he sees Aaron’s number. It’s almost on instinct that he does it. He’s just been sat here thinking for so long and the thought seems to take over him. He doesn’t expect Aaron to answer so quickly but he does. Robert’s hands grow clammy as he hears Aaron breathing down the line.

“Robert?” Aaron takes in this breath and Robert hears the surprise in his voice so clearly. He can hear how nervous he sounds; how unsure he is.

Robert just sits there, frozen against what to do or say or how to even feel. He knows what he wants, but it doesn’t stop him from feeling almost unable to start telling Aaron any of it, not again.

“Robert? Can you hear – Rob?”

Robert squeezes his eyes shut at the nickname, suddenly he’s lying in bed next to Aaron and they’re kissing, and Aaron keeps saying in bed over and over again.

“Hello?”

Robert sighs, shakes his head. “Sorry. Pocket dial. Must have been.”

Aaron doesn’t say anything, just shudders. “Must have been.” He whispers back and Robert nods his head again before hanging up.

\--

Aaron’s staring at his phone on the off chance that Robert’s going to have the courage to call him again. It’s what he’s told himself since he hung up earlier, pocket dial just seemed like something that was blurted out by Robert, like he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Aaron holds out hope, thinks about the fact that Robert’s inadvertently given him a reason to go and see him. Aaron was going to steal his mum’s stapler or something, say that he thinks it’s Robert and he found it at work just so that he could go over and say something that may be worthwhile. He’s _not_ going to cry this time and be this sort of blubbering wreck.

Chas’ gone; she’s said it was an emergency in the shoe related department. It means that Aaron’s looking after the bar, by himself, on a Friday night. He’s never been more thankful for the slowness of the village. It’s half eight by the time any movement starts picking up and he actually has to do anything about it. It seems to die down just as quickly; he gets to sit on his stool and stare at his phone like Robert’s just going to call him again any second now if he wills him to enough.

“Glass of red when you’re ready.”

Aaron says his automatic reply as he keeps his face down. “Yeah. One sec, I’ll bring it over.”

“I’d quite like to sit up here actually.”

Aaron lifts his head up, frowns at the reply and then realises who it is. Sarah’s sat there, right opposite him, with this look on her face. He can’t quite work out if she’s annoyed at him or not. He sits up, then comes towards her and gulps hard.

“Hi.” Aaron says. “I …”

“I’ve seen you avoiding me in here.” Sarah frowns. “Your mum and I did call a truce you know?”

Aaron breathes in, plays with his hoodie as he loosens it over his shoulders. “Yeah. Just … didn’t want the hassle.”

“I wouldn’t give you any.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he thinks about the fact that it’s progress. “Can’t say the same for Victoria though right.”

Sarah pulls a face and then shrugs slowly.

“I take it you’re still living here then?” Sarah asks after a minute or two.

Aaron shrugs. “Not for much longer, looking at flats in the area.” He looks around. “I need to … you know …”

“I know.” Sarah says, she almost sounds sad.

Aaron pours her a glass of wine and gives her back her change. He half expects her to find a cosy little spot by herself, but she stays by the bar. It gives him enough time to build up the confidence and actually ask her about Robert, he tries to jog around the idea. Sarah seems to be indulging him.

“All alone then tonight?” Aaron asks.

Sarah sips her glass, tilts her head. “Well if you wanted to see Victoria then I’m afraid she’s off out painting the town red with her friend Amy so …”

Aaron gulps thickly and then runs a hand through his hair, starts almost bouncing on the spot. “Robert go with them then?”

Sarah’s eyes widening a little. “Why’d you say that?”

Aaron shrugs, darts his head down. “This Amy … Robert said she was no one but … I don’t know. Are they …” He suddenly feels awkward and realises that Sarah probably doesn’t know the ins and outs of her son’s love life.

Sarah rolls her eyes, tilts her head back. “No. He’s still a little preoccupied over someone else.” Aaron looks up at her sharply and is comforted by her confidence. “That’s you if you’re still wondering.”

For a second Aaron takes it as some sort of win. His shoulders relax and then they go and tighten again when he thinks hard.

Aaron bites his lip. “He has the note, he knows that I was telling Nathan. It doesn’t seem to make a difference.”

Sarah nods and then shrugs. “He’s scared, that’s all.”

“So am I.” Aaron whispers. “But I love him more than how scared I am that he’s just going to walk away anyway.”

Sarah pulls this face and then goes to say something, but she doesn’t. She holds back and Aaron frowns at her as she finishes off her wine.

\--

Chas comes back eventually; she’s got about a million bags around her and Aaron tells her he’s going to head upstairs when she asks how he is like she really wants to know. Aaron sighs, tells himself that he’s going to be better at actually talking about things with her, so he says he saw Robert’s mum again, he says that Robert called him earlier but pretended like he didn’t.

It makes Chas have this massive grin on her face.

“It might have been nothing.”

“Or you might have to me to thank.” Chas waves a hand out like she’s a magician who has just preformed her final act and then starts looking through her shopping bags like she’s trying to remember everything she bought.

Aaron scowls at her, comes forward. “What’s that mean?”

“Huh?”

Aaron walks towards the soda as she sits there. “What you just said, why would it be _you_ that I have to thank?”

Chas gulps, holds a hand up. “Might have … saw him earlier.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “What?”

He thinks about the fact that she never tried to see Nathan, it makes him think hard about exactly why she didn’t.

“I don’t know where he lives, or anything do I? So I had to ask Leyla where he might be and she …”

“Helped you stalk him?” Aaron practically jumps to his feet. “What did you even _say_ to him?”

Chas shakes her head. “Well not a lot. You know, just that I know you care about him and that … if he’s _swanning_ off to London he should _at least_ say goodbye to you.”

Aaron suddenly freezes when he thinks about the call from Robert, then Sarah’s dodgy look when he mentioned Robert leaving, then the fact that he’s not with this _Amy_.

“What if he’s leaving now?” Aaron whispers. “What if _that_ was what the call was, him trying to say bye.”

“No, no I don’t think he’d …”

“You don’t _know_ him mum.” Aaron quickly grabs for his jacket and darts out the door. He doesn’t stop when his mum calls out to him, instead he grabs his car keys and heads right for Robert’s.

He can’t shake the pit in his stomach, it seems to eat away at him as the rain falls and the strength of the wind manages to shake the car slightly as it moves down the country roads. He grips hold of the steering wheel tighter as he drives past Sarah’s and spots her outside. He frowns, thinks she’s mad to be out in weather like this.

He stops the car sharply, pushes the car door open and then runs towards her almost on instinct.

“What are you doing out here?” Aaron shouts over the rain.

Sarah’s got this massive coat on and has her arms folded over her middle tightly. She looks startled by Aaron but shakes herself out of it, explains that she heard a noise and thinks one of the fences have come loose again.

Aaron ushers her back inside, she tells him he doesn’t have to treat her like an old woman, and he backs off slightly as he watches her sit down on her sofa. Aaron stands by the door, dripping wet from the rain until Sarah sort of realises and goes to get him a towel from upstairs. He hangs it around his shoulders and then nods his head at her as she puts on the fire.

It feels weird being in her house like this, the last time he was, Victoria was standing in front of him and he was shouting at her. He looks around and then back towards Sarah who is wincing and looking out her window.

“Why don’t you call Andy, he can come and fix it?”

Sarah shakes her head. “He’s having a babymoon. Or whatever he called it.”

Aaron frowns. “He’s … Katie’s pregnant?” He says, instantly thinking about how Robert reacted, if it seemed like everyone was happy apart from him.

Sarah nods, bends to poke the fire. “Yeah, it’s a bit of a miracle really.” She says.

Aaron doesn’t say anything, just breathes in and then Sarah comes towards him as he brings the towel around to the back of his neck. The move makes his sleeves rise, makes Sarah look down and see his scars. She doesn’t say anything for a second.

“Sorry.” Sarah says eventually. “For staring, I … I should know better considering I know how it feels to …”

“Mine are different.” Aaron says, he’s not sure what it is about Sarah but it’s just easy to talk to her. He doesn’t feel unable to say what’s on his mind as soon as he thinks it. “They’re … self-inflicted.” He tells her.

Sarah looks concerned, horrified, saddened. It all sort of mixes into one, she just looks like a mum really. “Because of Robert?”

Aaron shakes his head. “No.” He says seriously. “I haven’t done it in years. It’s … just other stuff, stuff before Robert.”

Sarah nods slowly, cautiously. “Do you want a cuppa?”

Aaron thinks it’s all a bit weird. He knows that Sarah should definitely hate him, but she somehow doesn’t. He takes her up on the offer, sits around her kitchen table like everything is fine.

Aaron sips slowly, moving the towel through his wet hair and then his heart pounds as he thinks about the fact that he was on his way to see Robert. He wants to kick himself for letting time run away from him. “Why couldn’t Robert help you?” He asks, his heart pounding.

Sarah turns towards him slowly, “Well …”

“He’s leaving isn’t he?” Aaron says and his heart sinks as she stares. “He’s already gone?”

Sarah stands up. “Aaron … I was going to say considering he hurt himself last time he …”

“Just say it.” Aaron snaps and suddenly stands. “He’s taken the job; he’s gone and it’s too late for me to …”

“He isn’t taking the job.” Sarah blurts out. Then her eyes widen like she realises that it wasn’t her place to say.

Aaron’s eyes flicker and there’s this thudding in his chest. “What?”

Sarah breathes in then runs a hand through her hair. “He’s not moving to London; he’s setting something up for himself here. Using the land.” She looks around the place. “So really, this Chrissie should be here fixing fences not …”

Aaron takes his hands out of his pockets, runs a hand over his mouth and then frowns. “So he’s still working with her?”

Sarah waves a hand up. “She’s investing considering he’s not Richard Branson.” She says, looking out the window again and then staring at Aaron. It’s like she sees how overwhelmed he is, cares about it. “He’s not leaving.” She says again, like she knows it’s the only important take away from this entire conversation.

Aaron feels his eyes flicker, this smile spread across his face and his head dips down.

\--

Aaron wakes up with his spring in his step, almost like Robert deciding to pursue whatever adventure park thing he’s doing is somehow hope for him. He tries to block out the fact that it’s with Chrissie, and she’s not exactly subtle about wanting to rip his clothes off. He’s trying to block it out, almost succeeding considering he didn’t snap at his mum when she apologised for almost making things worse.

Instead, he told her Robert isn’t moving to London after all. He told her with a smile on his face last night, trying not get his hopes up at the same time. He even smiled at Cain when he saw him this morning and so almost shocked his uncle into an early grave.

It’s weird, this feeling of hope, _time_ to fix things between him and Robert. He keeps telling himself that he doesn’t deserve Robert, that if he loved him, he’d let him go and all that jazz. But it doesn’t really compute. Not when his faced with this pain in his chest like last night when he thought Robert had already _left_. He didn’t care about not deserving him, all he cared about was this need he had to be close to him.

Aaron thinks about it as he drives to Sarah’s to check on that weird fence she kept banging on about. He’s casually taken whatever tools he could find from Cain’s garage and plans on fixing at least one thing today. It seems to tick over in his mind as he gets out of the car and walks towards her door. It’s half open already, and he knocks uselessly before calling out Sarah’s name and suddenly being met with Robert’s face as he pokes his head in.

Aaron just stares at him. Robert stares back.

“I … I was …”

Robert frowns. “What are you doing here?” He asks. It’s instinctual when he runs a hand through his hair, he ends up flattening it down when he was trying to do the exact opposite.

Sarah decides to come down the stairs at that exact point. “See, I knew your dad kept spare over…” She stops when she sees Aaron. “Oh, Aaron. Hi.”

“I didn’t see your car.” Aaron blurts out, still looking at Robert. He can’t seem to look anywhere else. “I just … I wouldn’t have come in if …”

Sarah clears her throat. “Aaron helped me last night.” She says. Robert looks at her in surprise. “I was trying to be wonder woman or whatever and see what was wrong with the fence but … it was raining and …”

“I just thought it could wait until morning.” Aaron says, feels like an idiot for saying _anything_ really.

Robert looks up at him and Aaron struggles to breathe through it.

“Right.” Robert says, he crosses his arms over and then lets them hang by his side uselessly.

“Um, I have tools. To fix it.”

“Oh, and I’ve got overalls.” Sarah raises the bundle in her arms. “Robert was going to do it himself but …”

“It’s not exactly a two-man job is it?” Robert says.

Aaron’s face falls.

“Barns need clearing too.” Sarah tells her son. Aaron is suddenly so thankful to her. “Didn’t you say that? For when they come and have a look?” Robert looks at her like he wants her to be quiet about that bit. “Go get an old t-shirt and stick them on.” She tells him, giving him a pair of overalls and then watching as Robert goes upstairs.

Aaron’s shoulders fall. “Thank you.” He whispers. “I think.” He says and he knows he sounds nervous, but she doesn’t pull him up on it.

Sarah winks at him and then passes him over some overalls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only 2 more chapters left now!! i'm quite busy next week and considering i have not started on the next chapter properly or the final chapter, there will probably be only one update next week (next sunday) - sorry for the wait, especially where this ends but i hope it will be worth it. thanks for all your wonderful comments and kudos on this fic, it continues to be the best!


	41. A forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron persists. Robert faces his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wellllllllllll this feels weird to say but this is the last proper chapter of this fic!!! all 11k worth lol. there is an epilogue coming which ties thing in little bows but this is saying goodbye to present day them so i really hope that you enjoy and this has been worth the wait. especially to those who have read from the very start and waited on the updates each time lol. happy reading guys!

Aaron walks up the stairs with this tightness in his chest like he’s just about to do something reckless. He keeps his head down as he walks and then comes to the start of the landing as he walks up the last stair. He looks around and then spots what he can only guess is Victoria’s room.

The door is ajar, and he stares at the soft mint colour of the walls and then the way her wardrobe door is flung open. He keeps watching for a second or more, spots how she has a Polaroid picture with some other girl with ginger hair. He clears his throat as he thinks of the fact that she could be this Amy, this no one Robert told him about. He looks away and then notices another Polaroid right next to it. This one makes him smile when he spots her and Robert and Andy. Robert and Andy look all serious and yet she’s poking her tongue out like she’s trying to make light of something.

Aaron pulls his gaze away from the wall and then looks across to another smaller room. The door is ajar too, and he sees that the walls are painted blue. He wonders if it was Robert’s old room. For a second, he thinks about a tiny little Robert and his heart flutters. He walks towards the door and then thinks of Robert changing inside and so darts towards another door. One he reasons is the bathroom.

He opens it slowly and takes in white tiles, so his shoulders relax and then they tighten again when he sees Robert without a top on for 0.2 seconds. It takes him by surprise, he didn’t expect to see him. In fact, he was avoiding seeing Robert by walking in here instead of the room which very much looked like Robert’s.

The sound of the door naturally makes Robert jump; the sound of the door opening is enough to make his head spin around and Aaron just stares for a second.

He hasn’t seen him like this in so long and it makes goose bumps trail over his skin. He can’t really look away.

“Shit. Sorry.” Aaron says.

Robert stares at him, eyes so green and heavy with something. He pulls a t-shirt over him slightly and then yanks it on before clearing his throat and shaking his head.

“It’s fine. Uh. Yeah. Let’s just go and see the fence then.”

\--

It’s a cloudy day and Robert’s bending down looking at a knackered fence in those farm overalls that Aaron once banged on about very much appreciating. It feels awkward as the silence continues and Aaron just has to stand back and stare at Robert’s arse as Robert stares at pieces of wood. Eventually Robert looks away, asks Aaron to let him see the toolbox he’s bought along. Hardly anything is necessary, and Aaron’s heart does this little thing when he sees the small smile creep up across Robert’s face at how useless the tools really are.

“I … uh … just grabbed anything.” Aaron blurts out. “Haven’t done a lot of farming … stuff in my life so.”

Robert tilts his head back. “Hardly an expert myself.” He says, he looks around and then back down on the ground again.

Aaron thinks of Andy suddenly. “Didn’t realise Katie was pregnant.” He says.

Robert’s jaw locks and Aaron wants to kick himself for changing the pace of the entire conversation. He was winning. For a second. Now Robert just looks annoyed at him which is always something he hates. Mainly because, revealing everything to Nathan aside, Robert never stayed mad at him. Aaron never really knew why but Robert would scowl and pout and hiss and snap but then he’d be his usual self again.

“Why would you?”

Aaron shakes his head. “Yeah, I suppose. I don’t …”

Robert clears his throat. “Don’t worry about it.” He says. Only Aaron does. He worries about the fact that Robert is behaving like he is and it’s making something get stuck in the back of his throat.

Aaron tilts his head to the side and then thinks about the fact that this, right here, seems to be like some sort of golden opportunity to talk to Robert. He crouches down beside him and then passes him over a nail. For a second their hands touch, and he feels like he’s in some sort of Victorian novel by the way Robert breathes in, stares down and then looks away again.

Aaron suddenly realises that Robert might have been staring down at his bare hand. He doesn’t know how to feel about it. More importantly, he doesn’t know how Robert feels about it.

“This fence is knackered.” Aaron says.

Robert nods. “Been here longer than I have.” He says.

“That long?” Aaron watches as Robert looks up and offers him the world’s smallest smile possible. It makes something flutter in Aaron’s stomach before Robert is looking away.

The silence picks up again after that and the clouds form heavier above them.

“It’s going to piss down.” Aaron says, adjusting his footing as he crouches and then looks up at the sky again.

Robert pulls a face; it makes Aaron almost laugh. He would do if his heart wasn’t beating out of his face with nervousness.

“Let’s get this done before then.” Robert says. He suddenly starts putting in as many nails as possible. Aaron finds it all terribly attractive but it’s not the time or place for any of it, so he just crouches and watches in dead silence.

Robert uses all the nails he has. It looks like some sort of job Aaron’s uncle Zak would do. Aaron bites his lip as he sees Robert looking around for more nails like they’ll help at all. Then Aaron yanks out the loose piece of rope at the bottom of the box and shifts closer to the fence.

“Can I …”

Robert looks down at the rope and then frowns before nodding and shuffling out of the way.

Aaron twists the rope tight around the hinge of the fence and then ties it around before staring back at Robert.

Robert’s just been staring at him.

Aaron shrugs and then Robert stands, opens the gate and then closes it again with ease. “Right. Uhh … cheers.”

Aaron gulps. “It’s OK.” He says. “Robert …”

“I can do the barns by my…”

“Chrissie could have just fixed it right?” Aaron blurts it out and quickly wonders what the actual fuck is wrong with his mind. The thing is though, he knows why he said it. He said it because time seems to be passing him by and he’s sort of over this whole trying to be cordial with each other thing that Robert is clearly trying to run with. It doesn’t work with the pair of them. It doesn’t work even a tiny bit when all Aaron really wants to do is rip Robert’s overalls off.

He said it because Robert’s also got his back to him and that’s a whole lot easier.

It starts raining, light and pointless and Robert turns to stare at him all dramatically. He doesn’t say anything. It makes Aaron’s head start fizzing and he really needs people to stop saying he isn’t a talker when Robert turns mute every time he says something really important. He wants to shake him, but he doesn’t.

“That’s why you’re fixing up the barns too. Chrissie’s coming over soon to check it out right?” Aaron says quickly. “I thought you were leaving. Yesterday.” Aaron tells him. “But you’re not.” He breathes in. “Were you just _not_ going to tell me?”

Robert darts his head down and feels overwhelmed with it all. Aaron watches him breathe in until his shoulders relax and then he’s walking to one of the barns. He’s just _walking away_ , practically marching there like he doesn’t think Aaron will follow him.

Aaron does. Of course he does.

Robert’s nearly by the barn when Aaron suddenly yanks his arm back and makes Robert try to push him away. For a second though, Robert just stops. He just stops and Aaron has his arms around him, and he shudders against the feeling of it and the fact that it’s really starting to rain now.

“Rob.” Aaron breathes into Robert’s mouth; he tilts his head up and Robert tilts his head down and their lips touch for the briefest of seconds.

Aaron feels like something is sparking inside him because Robert closes his eyes around it, he presses his lips firmly against Aaron’s with this force and Aaron practically jumps on his tiptoes to match it. His hands seem to fall around the back of Robert’s head, and he holds on until Robert is suddenly pushing him away.

Aaron feels like he’s been kicked in the stomach. “Robert …” He wraps an arm around himself because of the cold and then Robert dips his head down.

“I …”

“You’re not going.” Aaron tells him. “I know, I … please just tell me why so I don’t carry on feeling like an idiot for hoping that …”

Robert squeezes his eyes shut. “I can’t do this right now.” He says, he panics and then he’s walking into one of the barns.

Maybe Aaron should leave it there. He’s just been kissed by Robert, in the rain, in some itchy overalls on his mum’s farm so maybe he should call it a day.

He doesn’t though. Instead he keeps following him.

“Will you just _answer_ me?” Aaron says, he pulls the barn door behind him slightly and stares at how the rain has darkened Robert’s hair and makes it hang flat against his forehead, floppy and loose. He looks younger for it.

Aaron gets caught up in it all for longer than necessary.

Robert frowns. “And say what?” He says. Aaron just stares, mouth half open. “Thanks for trying to help my mum but I think you should …”

“Bullshit.” Aaron whispers.

Robert looks stunned. “What?”

Aaron breathes in, walks towards Robert. “I know I don’t deserve you but I’m not … _I’m not mad_. I know you. I fucking _know you_ and if you wanted to go you would have _gone_. Never looked back. If you wanted me out of your life then …”

Robert rolls his eyes. “Because this is all about _you_.” He says, suddenly becoming angrier.

“I didn’t say it was.” Aaron shouts. “But you’re _staying_ and that has to mean something.”

“It … it means …” Robert gulps hard, tries catching up with himself. “Means that I have a good opportunity here to make a go of this and …”

“You kissing me just now has to mean …”

Robert just stares at him.

Aaron feels something ache, twist and then pound in his chest. “I said all of that stuff to you.” He whispers. He tries to hide his tears through the wetness of his face because of the rain pouring outside. “I … I’m so shit with saying stuff that matters but … it didn’t make the slightest difference did it.”

Robert looks at him like he’s mad and it just doesn’t make any sense.

“Did it?” Aaron shouts.

“Don’t …”

“What? Be honest. That’s what I’m doing. Finally.” Aaron chews his lip so hard it nearly bleeds. “Did you even read the note?”

Robert closes his eyes, shakes his head.

Aaron frowns and then he’s trying his hardest not to stand here crying in front of Robert. “I … you’ve got it all sorted.” Robert looks up, eyes opening wide. “New business … new start and … and I’m this mess without you, just a mess.” He shakes his head.

“No you’re not.” Robert stammers.

Aaron scoffs. “Look at me.” He says.

Aaron waves a hand out, starts backing towards the wall.

Robert breathes in and then Aaron’s being an absolute prat and managing to fall back against a pitchfork leaning against the brick wall. He steadies himself just in time, bangs his head hard and it’s Robert who he hears wincing like _he_ was the one who just whacked himself on the head.

“Hey.” Robert’s hand is suddenly swooping close towards Aaron and then landing on his chest. Aaron breathes in, feels Robert’s other hand cupping the back of his neck, creeping up to almost cradle his head. “You OK? Aaron?”

Aaron just sort of stares, feels the pain start to fizzle out as Robert stands so so so close to him. Aaron doesn’t speak. He just nods his head, and the motion makes Robert’s shoulders melt down, relax.

“You could have really …”

Aaron shudders, tilts his head as he sees Robert staring at his lips.

“You’re not a mess.” Robert whispers. Aaron tilts his head away slightly and then Robert’s hands are running through Aaron’s hair. It forces Aaron to look up and he breathes in shakily. “You’re not.”

Aaron can hear Robert over the rain despite how soft his voice is now. It’s like his body just focuses in on it as much as he can.

“Rob.” Aaron says, heart beating so fast he’s sure Robert can hear it as he keeps his hand pressed over his chest. “I …”

“You know so much, you know me … and I … I can’t be _proud_ when it comes to you can I?” Robert whispers out words he’s clearly been holding back since it all came out. He doesn’t look weak for it. He looks brave. He looks so brave. Robert dips his head a little and it makes something inside Aaron melt. “No one knows everything … the way you do.” Aaron opens his mouth to speak. “You hurt me so …”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut and then opens them wide again, determined not to just “I know” it all away. “I want to spend … the rest of my life making it up to you. I promise.”

“Don’t.” Robert looks away slightly and Aaron raises his hand, guides Robert’s eyes back to him by holding Robert’s chin carefully.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron says, panicking slightly.

Robert looks away. “I know you are.” He says.

It seems to count for a lot. Aaron can’t let it count for any less than what it does to his heart.

Aaron has tears in his eyes because he just can’t _not_ cry right now. There’s all this relief brimming up inside and he doesn’t know what to say. “I just really lo—”

Aaron feels Robert seem to let go. Robert’s hands sweep up, hold Aaron’s face as he kisses him and drags him up against the wall. Robert’s hair is wet from the rain and Aaron’s still battling with last night so he’s sure they’re both going to catch colds but it’s the furthest thing on his mind right now.

Robert keeps kissing him and he pulls his hands tight around Aaron. The next thing Aaron knows, he’s being pulled against yarns of hay and flattened down. His back itches from the hay as he lays flat on his back and he goes to speak when Robert hangs over him. He has this delicate smile on his face and Aaron leans his hand up, touches Robert’s cheek and feels Robert kiss his thumb before moving down his body.

Everything else in the world seems to stop being so noisy.

\--

Robert hangs off Aaron and groans, breathing in and then sliding down so that he can lay beside him. Aaron can’t get his breath back yet. He just squeezes his eyes shut and focuses on the sound of the rain. It seems easier than looking over and seeing the regret start to pour over Robert’s face. He keeps his eyes firmly shut until there’s a finger moving gently across his face.

“You can open your eyes you know.” Robert’s voice is thick, sounds like gravel as he moves his sweaty body up a little and his leg brushes past Aaron’s.

Aaron opens them slowly, sees the blush in Robert’s face and the way their haste managed to only make Robert force the overalls down so that they are still bunched around Robert’s ankles. He wants to smile; he wants to kiss Robert.

“I’m scared of what you’re going to say next. Could have meant nothing to you.” Aaron decides to be honest. He also pretty much whispers it. He dips his head down and it brushes right past Robert’s, their foreheads bump and Aaron moans gently as Robert moves his body across Aaron’s again.

“Does that feel like nothing.” Robert tells him, hands falling slowly against Aaron’s waist again. The rain gets heavier outside, averts Robert’s attention for a second before he stares back and starts kissing at Aaron’s chest.

Aaron bites his lip, closes his eyes and then his hands grip against Robert’s shoulders as they move, and Robert makes Aaron feel like he’s seeing stars. It’s definitely not what he imagined he’d be doing today but he’s not complaining about any of it.

“Rob.” Aaron bumps his nose against Robert’s, panting hard as his hands crawl around Robert’s shoulder. “Did it mean something to you? Does this …”

Robert pulls back, stares at Aaron. “When haven’t you meant something to me Aaron?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and it swoops up inside him. “Doesn’t mean it’s a good kind of something.”

Robert breathes in and then leans his head down a little. “Well this time … it does.”

Aaron gulps hard and he finally sits up, runs a hand through his hair. “I … I hurt you.”

“I know.” Robert says, he dips his head. “I know you did.”

Aaron breathes in, cups Robert’s face and then lets his hands hang away. He shakes his head, feels like he can’t not have this conversation right now. “I get if you don’t want me.”

Robert gulps hard, blinks once and then twice. “What would you do if I didn’t?”

Aaron scoffs. “Well I know I _should_ walk away but I wouldn’t. I’d keep trying, not give up on us.” He bites his lip and then brings his hands up towards Robert’s. He watches as they lock in place and a smile creeps over his face. “It’s what you did, over and over again when it might have been easier to go.”

Robert looks at him like he’s mad again. “It wouldn’t have been easier.” He tells Aaron. “No way.” He says.

Aaron feels like his heart is beating so much faster than it should. He smiles, leans in and then kisses Robert, hands wrapping around him as tightly as possible.

“Did you mean that?” Aaron whispers against Robert’s mouth.

Robert’s head dips, butts against Aaron’s. “Hmm?”

“About it not being easier to go.” Aaron mumbles. “This job. Did you take it because it – it was a better opportunity or …”

Robert bites his lip. “Yep. It was her mentioning all the facts and figures that did it. Not the bit where I didn’t have to leave you.” He says, sarcastic as ever. For a second, Aaron forgot how much Robert can read him like a book.

“But you would have?” Aaron looks inwards and recognises that he’s self-sabotaging. It’s like he thinks if he points it all out before Robert does it will make all of this better, or easier, or something.

Robert shakes his head slowly. “Not when there was you.” He whispers. “I tried making out like … like you were only saying what you did because you thought I was going but … it didn’t work.” He shrugs. “Chrissie knew my heart wasn’t in it, because I had you.”

Aaron’s eyes are heavy with something as he stares at Robert. “You really do.”

“Yeah?”

It’s weird this. It’s like two people desperately in love with each other and yet still unsure about how true their lover feels about them. It makes sense considering their start, and middle. And the end.

Aaron runs a hand across Robert’s face delicately. “Yeah.” He whispers.

They stay where they are. They just play with each other’s hands and kiss and the rain finally stops.

“Nearly forgot about all your freckles.” Aaron’s eyes are wet, and Robert laughs before he cups Aaron’s face before biting his lip the way Aaron always seems to do.

“Obsessed with a few little dots.”

Aaron pulls a face and pushes himself impossibly closer. “It’s you so …” He blushes so red. “You know I’m not a sap but …”

“There’s a big but.” Robert nods. He looks at Aaron in a way he never has before. “No one’s ever done the whole big romantic speech thing to me before.”

Aaron’s heart thuds. “In the men’s toilets. In the office. With me crying like a twa...”

Robert kisses him so gently that Aaron makes the tiniest noise in surprise and his back arches. He brings his hands up to hold the back of Robert’s head and then strokes slowly until Robert pulls away.

“’M sorry I didn’t say anything then.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “You don’t have to say that. You said something now.” He huffs. “Thanks to a dodgy fence.”

Robert looks all serious suddenly. “I would have … even if you didn’t come here today I – I would have …”

He wouldn’t have been able to carry on pretending for that much longer is what can’t seem to come out right now.

Aaron nods his head, then he’s leaning closer and kissing Robert again like he can’t let go. He thinks about the fact that this is actually happening, that they’re this close again and everything feels like it did months before. Aaron’s spent sleepless nights thinking about the fragility of what he and Robert had, how it splintered before breaking altogether and how difficult it would be to mend it all.

He thought of time and patience and care, but this feels like beyond that in a way he didn’t ever expect.

Eventually, they hear Vic obviously coming back from a messy night out and Aaron pulls away, tries to get dressed as quickly as possible. He supposes it’s on instinct really.

Robert holds at his arm. “No need to hide.” He whispers. “Right?”

Aaron shows teeth as he smiles, leans in to kiss Robert again and then they hear Vic’s voice. They hear her obviously talking to Sarah who is telling her that Robert is with Aaron and she should leave them be. Robert almost smiles, suddenly feels grateful for the privacy until Vic is talking again. It’s what she says that makes Robert’s shoulders stiffen.

In short, she’s very sure about the fact that although Aaron might love Robert, there’s water and a bridge and it’s so clearly one of those things or whatever. Aaron stands awkwardly, just listens to her until she mentions him being a cheater, it being something he _clearly_ does, and Aaron sees the way it grabs hold of something in Robert and won’t let go.

Robert pretends like he hasn’t heard it, he stands up, stares at Aaron and presses his forehead against Aaron’s. “How about you come round tonight … we can talk without …”

“Shagging in a barn?” Aaron tries to smile but he can’t help the unease that seems to travel through him as he stares at Robert.

Robert gulps. “Something like that, yeah.” He whispers.

Aaron’s eyes flicker as he watches Robert come closer and kiss him gently on the forehead. Aaron’s shoulders relax a little around just how safe it seems and then he looks down at his pair of overalls on the floor. He picks them up, swipes hay away and picks it out from the Velcro around the front.

“I’ll see you then.” Aaron says before passing the overalls over to Robert. Robert squeezes his hand down on Aaron’s and doesn’t want to let go. 

Aaron leaves, and Robert almost feels this bubble being burst when Vic stares out the window of the cottage and watches Aaron get back to his car.

Robert wants to go and tell her to just calm down about it all, but he doesn’t need the hassle. He watches Aaron drives off from the door of the barn and then turns back into the barn, running a hand through his hair and watching hay fall from his head. He smiles a little and then clears his throat, gets the rake Aaron nearly fell over and tidies up the barn, stacks the hay and makes sure to have it look as unassuming as humanly possible.

Robert watches as the clouds stretch over the sky and eventually he sticks his head out, smells the rain as he walks towards the cottage again and sees his mum sitting at the kitchen table, mug in both hands and this look on her face.

“Watched Aaron go.” Sarah says. Then she leans forward. “Did he hear your sister prattle on?”

Robert nods his head and then slumps down on the chair opposite his mum. “Yeah he did.” He smiles a little. “It was good again mum, and then he heard her and … _I_ heard her.”

“She was just …”

“She made out he was some sort of … serial cheater. I … I’m one to talk aren’t I?”

Sarah arches an eyebrow and then goes back to sipping her tea. “You’re worried he’ll cheat on you if you get together?”

Robert frowns. “No.” He says quickly and then his shoulders drop. “Yeah. A little. Maybe. I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I didn’t and then she said _that_ and …”

“She’s only looking out for you.” Sarah says, crossing her arms over and then sighing. “It’s just her … you know … raising a point.”

Vic comes out of nowhere and she’s more timid than he’s seen her in months. She almost looks sorry. “I take it he …”

“Heard you? Yeah.” Robert sighs.

Vic comes into the room, groans as she sits at the table with them. “I’m hungover and – and worried about you getting hurt.”

“You don’t have to be worried.”

“You didn’t know what it was like to watch Katie break your heart.” Vic blurts out. Robert’s eyes widen around what she’s saying. He didn’t expect it. “Yeah I was young, but I saw what it did to you, how _hurt_ you were. It took you so long to bounce back from it. Then … then Aaron hurt you and … I don’t want to see you hurt again.”

Robert doesn’t know what to say for a second. He hasn’t really considered what all of this is like from her point of view. He forces himself to sit straighter and he puts both his hands on the table. “Vic …”

“You’d be the same if it was the other way around.” Vic tells him.

Robert nods his head slowly and then looks down. “I’m not just going to … pretend like he didn’t hurt me. Neither is he. Trust me, he’s … he’s done enough and I’m ready to give things a proper go.” He watches Sarah smile a little. “I know he hurt me, but he makes me so happy Vic. So happy.”

Vic sniffs. “I believe that. I’m just … allowed to have …”

“Doubts? So do I.” Robert chews his lip. “I believe him when he says he loves me. I do.” Robert says, he dips his head. “But … it’s so easy for him to pretend to be happy and …”

“He wouldn’t be pretending with you love.” Sarah chips in and Robert really understands how much she’s changed her mind about Aaron. It’s refreshing really. 

“How do you know that?” Robert says, trying not to sound nervous as he speaks.

Sarah waves a hand out. “OK fine. I don’t.”

Robert almost laughs.

“But.” Sarah says. “That doesn’t mean you go and bury your head back in the sand does it?”

Robert chews his lip. “I couldn’t … couldn’t handle it if … if he changed his mind.”

Sarah shakes her head, looks at him like he’s talking absolute rubbish. “Go home, have something to eat and then have it out with him. Properly. Tell him how you feel about all of this.”

Robert nods his head slowly, and she swoops in to give him a hug. He squeezes back.

\--

Aaron stares at himself in the mirror and pulls his right hand over his face, sliding up and down and then blowing out a breath before shaking his head and watching hay fall out. He didn’t realise it would be like sand and that it would get _everywhere_ but that’s what happens when you don’t use it appropriately or whatever.

The thought makes Aaron blush, and he shivers, remembering how close Robert was to him less than an hour ago. If he squeezes his eyes shut, he can feel Robert’s hands through his hair, hear him panting hard in his ear.

Aaron’s ears turn pink and he shakes his head again, pulls out more hay and then suddenly has this pit in his stomach forming when he thinks of what he thought would happen next after they’d finished staring at each other in the barn. Maybe he would have had tea with them, maybe he would have spent the night with Robert too.

But then there was Victoria.

For a second, a really scary second, he wonders what will happen when he sees Robert later on today. He wonders if the stretch of time has made Robert reconsider, take all that stuff he said back because he’s had time to think with something more than his dick.

Aaron tries pushing it to the back of his mind when he walks through the bar and helps himself to a pint. Marlon manages to huff and puff his whole through the pouring of the thing like Aaron’s personally offended him. Aaron doesn’t even scowl at him, instead he actually listens when Marlon says that customers were waiting. He actually apologises and then gets some old woman her sherry.

Marlon looks stunned and Aaron spends a second thinking of just how much of a pain in the arse he’s been recently over everything.

Liv’s arrival manages to shock Marlon back into the kitchen as he prepares her some lunch and leaves Aaron to mind the bar. He thinks about telling Liv everything, that he’s so close to having everything be absolutely perfect but something inside him says not to ruin it or jink it somehow.

The nervousness of it all makes him run a hand through his hair and Aaron watches another strand of hay fall. He imagines how much of it is still in Robert’s and then smiles.

“Rolling around in the hay then were you lad?” Faith, his weirdly hip and fashionable Nan who also needs to know when to really reign it in and stop being embarrassing, suddenly appears too. She sits on the bar stool right next to Liv and actually winks.

“Huh?” Liv turns to her like she’s mad.

Aaron’s face remains absolutely bright red.

“Your mum told me you were fixing fences with blondie.” Faith winks, all panto like and he just rolls his eyes and then fights a smile. “Fixing more than just ….”

“Gross.” Liv says, she pulls a face and then bats her hand in Faith’s direction like it will be enough to make her stop.

Instead, Faith does what she does best and laughs and makes a big song and dance about it. She comes around towards Aaron, squeezes his cheek and then calls out for Chas. Within seconds, seconds, Chas is coming back through the bar with this expectant look on her face.

“Well?” Chas asks. “Either my mother seriously needs to get her ears checked or … you and Robert are back on.”

Aaron nods his head really slow.

“Oh love.” Chas smiles. “I’m … I’m so happy for you.”

Aaron doesn’t really know what he expected to hear from her but this sort of shocks him and warms his heart at the same time. There’s something about his mum not even really knowing Robert yet, and yet still wanting him and Aaron to be together, which makes Aaron feel like he’s lucky to have her.

Aaron bends his head. “I’m going … round his later. To talk.” He says seriously.

“Well it’s not like you had plenty of time to talk when you …”

Chas turns to Faith. “Yes OK thank you mother.”

Aaron smiles and then looks at Liv who is smiling back at him. She nods her head and his mind traces back to when it all came out, and he sat on the cricket pavilion telling her things he hadn’t told anyone else yet. He remembers her saying it would all be OK and this, this really feels like she was right.

Something bubbles through his chest as she winks at him.

Half an hour later, Aaron’s in the backroom looking down at his phone and his mum comes in with this look on her face that tells him that she doesn’t know why he isn’t bouncing off the walls quite frankly.

Aaron leans forward as she sits down on the sofa and nods her head.

“Go on.”

Aaron chews his lip. “Victoria mentioned how I cheat. That it’s a thing I do. I don’t know … it changed things. I saw the doubt Robert had.”

“Well that’s normal considering.”

Aaron raises his head. “I don’t want it to be.” He says, so seriously.

Chas smiles. “Well then you do something about it.” She tells him. “You go over there, and you make sure this wasn’t a one off, that you meant everything you said and that this is for real.”

Aaron gulps hard. “It really is.” He whispers. “Hopefully.”

Chas nods. “No hopefully about it love.” She says, and then she brings a hand over his knee and squeezes.

\--

Robert stares at the words. He reads them over and over again and he’s sure that Aaron’s shit writing is always going to stay the same. It doesn’t really make a lot of sense really, reading it through in its entirety but Robert holds it close to him like it means the world. He’s not really sure it should. He’s scared of thinking like that. He can’t help but be really.

But then he reads Aaron rambling on about not meaning to fall in love with him, but not knowing how to _stop_ how he feels, and he understands, and he loves him, and it feels a lot like enough right now.

\--

Aaron’s built himself up into this state of worry, Robert realises as soon as he opens the door and Aaron’s leaning in to kiss him, hands falling over Robert’s face. He’s holding onto him so tightly like he doesn’t want to let go.

“I just want you.” Aaron blurts out. He drags himself away and Robert stares at him. “And if you’re having _doubts_ about it then we talk. We need to talk.” He starts walking around, his hands waving about as he thinks over and over about what he has to do. “We need to talk, I … _I_ need to talk about things because I’m shit at that, but I want this to work _so badly_ and I need you to know that I …”

Robert takes something out of his pocket, holds it up to Aaron. “I told myself I wouldn’t read it.” He says. “I didn’t have to. But. When Vic said about … you cheating and stuff I got worried.” Aaron’s mouth hangs open. He looks down at the note again. “This says you think I’m the one?”

Aaron’s shoulders relax suddenly, and his face is bright red. He has tears in his eyes. “Well. Duh.” He says. He’s almost angry about getting himself into such a state. He has a hand on his hip and then breathes in. “Of course you are.”

Robert breathes in, eyes flickering. “And that Nathan … Nathan wasn’t.” He shakes his head. “Right?”

Aaron suddenly leaps closer to Robert, holds him by the waist and nods. “I – I wanted him to know that us ending wasn’t because I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants. It was because I’d met someone I … I knew was …” He leans his forehead against Robert’s. “You know what I mean.” He’s shit with words; it’s why he has to write them down.

Robert gulps thickly and then leans away slightly before looking at the note again. “Says you’re sorry but you … you didn’t know you’d ever love someone this much.” Aaron nods his head. “But what if you do?”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “I won’t.” He says. “You’re _it_ for me.” He says. “I promise.”

Nathan just sits on Robert’s mind for a second and he walks towards the sofa, bouncing his knee gently. Aaron follows him, sits down beside him and breathes in like he’s preparing for something.

Robert shudders. “You were going to marry him.” He says, turning towards Aaron. “He was meant to be it for you.”

Aaron nods eagerly. “Yeah. _Meant_ to be.” He says. “But he wasn’t.”

Robert thinks back to that note and he bends his head.

“I don’t expect you to just believe everything I say.” Aaron says. He holds his hands together tightly. “I know I’ve promised you things and I’ve let you down, but I wouldn’t lie about this.” He sighs.

Robert bites his lip and looks right at Aaron. “I don’t want to be the bloke that has doubts.”

“Doubts?” Aaron’s heart does something funny and tears threaten to pool his eyes. “What, over me? How you feel about me?”

Robert scowls. “No – no about …” He bounces his knee again and Aaron plants his hand down on it. Robert looks up. “Not me having doubts.”

Aaron shudders. “I’m not going to have doubts over you.”

“You said how you feel about me is overwhelming.” Robert says.

Aaron looks devastated. “N—not in a bad way.” He stammers. “I didn’t mean that … I didn’t…” He says, eyes filling with tears. “Robert, I can’t make you believe me. I know. But I can … I can prove it to you.” He whispers, nose bumping Robert’s as he leans in.

Robert kisses Aaron gently like it says something and then he leans away again, and Aaron runs a hand over his face, turns so that he’s looking at Robert properly.

“What are you doing?” Robert asks him.

Aaron crosses his legs over, plays with the hem of his hoodie nervously before breathing in. “Not being a mess. Listening to what you’re saying.” He says, waving a hand out like he wants Robert to speak.

They are both silent for what feels like ages. Aaron waits, plays with his hands for a second before Robert offers him this look that tells him he’s thought about whatever he’s about to say for a while. Aaron sits up straighter and wipes at his eyes again.

“Go on.” Aaron whispers.

Robert gulps thickly. “You must have been happy with him.” He says, eyes darting slightly.

Aaron nods and then looks away. “I was.” He says before sighing. “I knew I was lucky. I was lucky because he loved me and that meant he wouldn’t leave.” He shakes his head. “It took me way too long to admit that … that’s not what it should have been.”

Robert breathes in, wonders if he should stop or carry on. Aaron looks right at him and he decides to make things clearer in his mind. “You were happy and you still … had one-night stands and … I can’t help but think about that.”

He’s being honest. The feeling stretches right inside him, and he feels like he’s going to burst around it all.

Aaron’s eyes widen and he bites the inside of his mouth. “You’re different.” He shrugs. “What I feel … I can’t explain it. I can’t _imagine_ doing that to you, I just … I wouldn’t.” Robert dips his head then raises it. “Can you?”

Robert’s eyes widen. “Of course not.” He sighs. “No way. I just want you.”

Aaron smiles, it feels like everything suddenly. He reaches his hand out, locks it in Robert’s and looks down. Robert’s thumb strokes so gently across Aaron’s knuckle.

“Well then. The past is the past.”

Robert nods slowly.

“I’ll prove it to you.”

Robert stares down. “For the rest of your life apparently.”

Aaron frowns, a smile creeping across his face. “I did say that didn’t I? He blushes slightly, then shrugs. “Nothing I didn’t mean though. He says. “I’d do anything for you.” He whispers, then he pulls his hands back. “If this is too soon then … then I’ll wait.”

“What if it’s too soon for you?” Robert says, decides that if they’re going to talk about things then they really really are. He looks up Aaron who seems stunned by it. “I’ve been waiting for this since you kicked me out of that hotel, I’ve known I want this since then but you … you were engaged two weeks ago.”

Aaron frowns. “I’m ready.” He says eagerly. “I don’t want to waste any more time. But if you … if you think that I …”

“I believe you.” Robert says, he frowns slightly, and Aaron’s eyes light up. “I believe you when you say you only want me, I do.”

Aaron shudders. “Don’t say there’s a ‘but’ coming.” He says nervously. “There doesn’t have to be because it’s me and you and that’s … it’s _always_ different.” He shrugs.

Robert bites his lip; he stares right at Aaron’s hands and then breathes in. “You said Nathan’s gone.” He says carefully.

Aaron nods his head. “He has. He’s in Wales.”

Robert looks right up into Aaron’s eyes. “Do you still love him?”

Aaron thinks about the fact that whenever he thinks of Nathan, there’s just this deep sense of guilt that seems to override all the other moments they’ve shared together. He shakes his head. “No.” He whispers. “I’m just … I just feel guilty, I still do.”

Robert doesn’t say anything for a second and then he nods slowly. “So do I.”

Aaron frowns. “For what?”

“I didn’t think he’d tell everyone like that.” Robert whispers. “I could have done that myself but there was a reason I didn’t.”

Aaron thinks about how he latched onto how Robert had decided not to tell everyone like it was this proof that everything was not completely lost. He shrugs slowly now and then looks down at his hands. “Well I deserved it.” He says. Robert looks at him like he has something to really say. “What?”

“Did you hurt yourself?” Robert just comes out with it.

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Uh. Not … no. I didn’t. Not really.”

“What’s that mean?” Robert whispers and then he waves a hand out. “Drinking too much and being … getting yourself into dangerous situations sounds like …”

Aaron leans over and holds Robert’s arm. “I … I uh …”

Robert nods his head slowly.

“Could hardly go for runs and … my mum doesn’t have any razors around or anything.” He keeps his head down as he speaks, still surprised by the ease at which he can tell Robert all of this. “But I didn’t want to eat or anything some days. I … I’d not let scabs heal and stuff because …”

Robert leans a hand out. “Go on.”

“It reminded me of what … just how much I deserved it. I didn’t deserve for it go away, for me to … to stop thinking about the way I hurt you and Nathan. And I still don’t deserve you, I know that. I should … should let you crack on with Chrissie or …” Robert pulls a face. “What? You could … have feelings for her.”

“Well I don’t.” Robert says before frowning. “I haven’t slept with her if that’s what you’re thinking.” Aaron has a small smile on his face, and he looks away. “Just wanted to be … faithful to you. Even if it didn’t count or make sense. I just …”

Aaron leans in and kisses Robert again, hands swooping up to hold his face and then he leans back, and Robert nods his head slowly. It seems enough for Aaron to finally relax; he breathes in and then practically buries his head into Robert’s neck as he hugs him tightly. Aaron can’t really breathe and Robert’s sure he’s going to get cramp if they don’t let go soon.

But they don’t go anywhere. Not for ages.

“This is for real then.” Robert says, it’s almost to himself really. He thinks about all that worry he had and how it’s not just magically disappeared but been replaced with something he wants to latch onto so much more.

Aaron nods. “M not going anywhere.” He tells Robert.

“You’ll stay the night then.”

Aaron wants to tell him he’ll stay all the nights. He feels this rush of something inside him, this feeling of peace after so long of feeling anything but. He has nowhere else to be other than right here, right now.

“I’ll stay the night.” Aaron dips his head up; kisses Robert gently and then buries his head into Robert’s side before closing his eyes.

“Because the bed is big?”

Aaron’s heart does something funny when he remembers how Robert used to go on about it like it was the only pulling factor for Aaron, as if he didn’t have other reasons to want to be with Robert. It was so much easier to pretend then.

“Yeah, because the bed’s big.” Aaron whispers, and then he pulls Robert in for a kiss and manages to press him right down on the sofa until he’s flat on his back.

\--

Later, Aaron’s laying in Robert’s bed and he won’t stop staring at him. Aaron strokes a hand over Robert’s face, smooths a hand across the outline of Robert’s jaw and thinks about the text he sent his mum, so she didn’t think he was dead in a ditch someone. He said he wouldn’t be coming home. She sent him way too many exclamation marks for him to handle. He smiles gently, keeps stroking a hand over Robert’s jaw and then curls a finger to stroke against Robert’s cheek as he sleeps.

Aaron breathes in, gulps and moves Robert’s purple sheets right over both of them before kissing Robert’s naked shoulder. “I love you so much.” He whispers. “Promise you. I’m not letting you go again.”

Aaron goes to close his eyes, and then sees a tiny smile spread of Robert’s face as he keeps his eyes closed.

Aaron frowns and then gasps playfully as he realises that Robert’s been listening. “Oi. Not meant to be hearing me be extra soppy you idiot.”

Robert scoffs. He still has his eyes closed but he tilts his chin up and smirks right at Robert. “Oh. I’m an idiot now am I?”

Aaron bites his lip. “Shut your face.”

“Make me then.” Robert says, it’s nothing short of a challenge and Aaron stretches his body right across Robert’s to kiss him. Robert seems to come alive at that, his eyes flickering open and this look on his face that tells Aaron he’s more content than he’s ever been.

It’s weird to think of how easily he sees all of Robert now. Suddenly, he’s hit by this dread. He thinks about the possibility of Robert hiding away his feelings like he has been doing for weeks now. it makes him pull away slightly, press his forehead right against Robert’s.

“Everything’s going to be different now.”

Robert gives him this look. “I know it is.”

“Me and you. Proper.” Aaron gazes at Robert before pulling away.

“Proper.” Robert whispers gently.

It makes Aaron kiss Robert’s cheek and then he’s leaning into him, their sweaty bodies squashed as closely together as possible despite the heat. Aaron buries his head down into Robert’s chest and finds it so easy to switch his mind off.

“Aaron.” Robert whispers, a hand stroking through Aaron’s hair slowly. It’s been half an hour, Aaron’s almost asleep.

“Hmm?” Aaron moans, not opening his eyes or even lifting his head.

“I love you too.” Robert says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Only Aaron knows that isn’t true. He knows that Robert loving him, admitting that, has always been laced with this sort of terrible sense of it having to be boxed away in his head instead of felt openly. Now, Aaron feels like his head is about to fall off as he latches on to the sincerity of it, the way it knocks him back and makes him stare up blindly at Robert.

He hasn’t said it in so long.

Aaron gulps hard and feels his eyes begin to water. He’s such an absolute sap. Robert nods at him, reassures him that he has heard right.

Aaron leans up, kisses Robert tenderly until he feels his legs turning to jelly over how close they are. Robert kisses Aaron’s forehead, it’s gentle and soft and everything that Aaron’s ever wanted from him. He’s missed all _this_ so much that it’s scary.

“All pretty scary this.” Aaron whispers against Robert’s lips.

“What, this loving each other thing?” Robert whispers back.

Aaron huffs, a laugh dancing against Robert’s lips as he leans further towards him. “No, the it being forever thing.” He slips it out and Robert’s eyes flicker.

“Sounds like a big commitment if you ask me.” Robert’s voice sounds so sleepy. He closes his eyes again. He doesn’t seem worried in the slightest about the idea. Aaron isn’t either. He probably should be. He hardly ever thinks about the future and yet here is, imagining years and years of all of _this_ so very easily. It makes his heart pound in his chest. 

“So does owning your own business.” Aaron bumps Robert’s chin and kisses him lightly.

“True.” Robert smirks, eyes still closed. “Could always go to London and …”

“Don’t even fucking joke.” Aaron says, pinching Robert’s side. Robert’s eyes open, wide and alert as he gasps playfully and pulls and tugs at Aaron until he’s laying over him, staring down. Aaron stares up, just gazes.

“I love you.” Robert whispers.

Aaron closes his eyes, savours it. “I love you more.” He says. Robert shakes his head, tells him it’s sort of impossible and Aaron smiles at him.

“Put your money where your mouth is then.” Robert says, still straddling Aaron’s waist, voice still croaky. Aaron frowns at him, confused. “Well you haven’t even asked me to be your …”

Aaron breathes in, nods his head slowly and then reaches out to hold a hand over Robert’s chest. “Fancy being my boyfriend then?” Robert rolls his eyes. “What?”

“Well that was romantic.” Robert says sarcastically.

Aaron scowls. “Oi. I’m shit with words but …”

Robert cuts him off by kissing him. “Yeah I will. I will be your boyfriend.”

Aaron’s shoulders sag and he nods. “Good.” He whispers.

Robert slides down next to Aaron, tucks his face into the crook of Robert’s neck and there’s something so easy about being able to sleep now.

\--

Aaron wakes up with his head buried right into a pillow to the sound of someone bringing out pots and pans. He tilts his head up, feels achy as he stretches and uselessly tries to reach out for Robert like he’s going to be there. He huffs, almost pouts and as he sits up he catches himself in the mirror. His hair is a mess, and he has thin scratches over his left shoulder that blames Robert for, but he doesn’t even have to think really hard about just how happy he feels. The feeling just stretches over him, makes everything feel lighter.

Aaron runs a hand through his hair and then moves the covers close around his waist as he tries to get up. Only the door opens, and Robert stands there in just his pants and he holds out a mug of coffee for Aaron. Aaron takes it willingly, bites his lip as he holds it close to his chest and just stares up at Robert like he’s certain he’s going to disappear any second.

“You didn’t have to make me your fancy coffee.”

Robert shrugs, then sits on the bed and draws a line down Aaron’s bare leg with his finger. It’s so small, and soft but Aaron almost tingles as he watches him. Robert’s hair is flat against his head and he looks paler than usual. Aaron just sort of stares at the broadness of his shoulders and the scattering of freckles.

“I think that’s what boyfriends do.” Robert shrugs his shoulders again and then crowds Aaron’s space. “Morning.” He whispers, and then Aaron is pulling himself towards Robert and kisses him softly on the lips.

Aaron nearly forgets about his coffee; it nearly goes all over Robert’s expensive sheets. Only he thinks quickly, places it on Robert’s bedside table before having Robert flat down on his bed. He smiles down at him and then leans back up again, hands stroking down Robert’s thighs. He suddenly breathes in.

“What’s with the face?” Robert whispers.

Aaron bites his lip, thinks of just brushing it off but can’t. He places a hand gently against Robert’s cheek. “Just can’t believe you … just feel like I don’t deserve you.”

Robert’s eyes are so green as he stares, almost wraps Aaron up in it all. He gulps hard. “Good thing I know you do then.” He says. “Besides, you don’t get to decide that I do.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Sure you won’t get sick of me?”

Robert frowns. “We’ll see how it goes.” He tilts his head and Aaron nods his head slowly, almost pouting until Robert smirks. “Were you …”

“Kidding, yeah.” Aaron feels himself being pulled in close by Robert and he slaps his chest. “I’m not going to get sick of you, or your grumpy face.”

Aaron gulps hard. “Pretty brave of you then.”

Aaron thinks about the fact that they’ve both seen all of these sides to each other. Robert has seen him so vulnerable, lost, confused. He’s seen his anger and torment and his softness like no one ever really has before. He’s seen all of him and yet he _still_ wants him.

“I like a challenge.” Robert shrugs. “Besides. I can be a nightmare too.”

“Oh I know.” Aaron huffs. “And yet somehow … I’m lucky.”

“Too right.” Robert says. “I don’t use my coffee machine for just anyone you know.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and then Robert presses his knees together and jolts Aaron up off of his lap and twists him round onto his back again.

Aaron can’t remember the last time he’s laughed like this.

Two hours later, Aaron’s made Robert breakfast and they’ve spent ages kissing against the sink whilst they try to wash up. Aaron doesn’t want to leave him, only he sort of knows that he should. He thinks about the fact that his mum is going to have a million questions and somehow it brings him crashing back down to earth when he thinks of Victoria and what she’ll say about all of this.

Robert dips his head. “Don’t worry about her.” He tells him.

Aaron rolls his eyes. “She’s your sister and she hates me.”

Robert shrugs. “She doesn’t.” Aaron doesn’t look convinced in the slightest. “I spoke to her yesterday after you left. She’s just … well she’s seen me hurt by Katie. Back then she was just a kid, she just had to watch but I get that she … she wanted to try and _do_ something about it this time.”

Aaron nods his head slowly, finds himself understanding more than he thought he would. “But she knows that …”

“You make me happy and all that.” Robert nods. “Yeah. She does.”

Aaron bites his lip, still unsure.

Robert sighs, brings a hand against Aaron’s waist and he kisses his nose lightly before leaning back. “It’s Sunday you know.”

“Buzzing.”

“Oi.” Robert says, squeezes around Aaron’s waist. “Could come around for Sunday lunch. You know, make it proper.”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he suddenly thinks of just how awful it could be. He imagines having a gravy pot thrown at him or something. He shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s a …”

“Aaron, I love you.” Robert blurts out, eyes heavy with something serious that Aaron chases. “And yeah – we’ve … it’s been messy, but this doesn’t feel like that. Last night didn’t, did it?”

Aaron fidgets. “Last night we had sex about a million …”

“Aaron.” Robert says, breaking through whatever Aaron is trying to ignore.

“I just don’t want to mess this up.” Aaron waves a hand between them both. “Not now we …”

Robert leans towards him again, holds Aaron by the back of the neck as his hand strokes gently. “The only thing that will mess this up is if you realise you’re not sure about this, that you want Nathan.”

Aaron scowls. “That’s never going to …”

Robert huffs. “See. Pretty pointless to bang on about it then yeah? Just like it’s pointless for you to think that you’re going to mess this up.” He steps forward. “We’ve done all the deep and meaningful stuff now. Why don’t we just focus on us. Yeah?”

Aaron bites his lip, fights back a smile. “Yeah.”

Robert nods. “Good. So three?” Aaron breathes in. “I’m not hiding us Aaron.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to.” Aaron says, a hand on Robert’s chest. “Three. Fine.” He whispers.

Robert smiles. “Then after we can go out properly.”

Aaron frowns. “Is that your way of asking me on a date then?”

Robert shrugs. “Maybe so.” He tilts his head. “That a yes then?”

Aaron bites his lip, finds himself nervous about the prospect of going on a date with Robert which after all this time should make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

“Yeah.”

Aaron nods and Robert kisses him until he’s by the door and he has to pull away. Aaron watches as Robert shuts the door and he just stands frozen, this smile on his face that won’t seem to go anywhere. He only notices George giving him a thumbs up from his window when he reaches his car, it makes Aaron smiles back.

\--

Aaron has a smile on his face that won’t budge. He practically skips back into his mum’s pub whistling and it makes Marlon drop a plate on the floor. Aaron looks down at it, sees that a whole plate of chips have been scattered practically everywhere.

“Go do some more, I’ll clean this up.” Aaron says before bending down and getting them back on the plate that’s chipped a little.

Marlon’s eyes are still very much bulging out of his bloody head.

“I’m not actually an ogre you know.”

Marlon nods slowly. “Just usually quite … grumpy?” It’s a question, it’s a ‘I think that’s fair to say but let me check’ sort of thing and Aaron laughs. He actually laughs and it makes Marlon look at him even funnier before he gets it. “This Robert and you are together then?”

Aaron goes to respond when he’s nearly rugby tackled into a hug by his mum who practically races out of the backroom. He should have listened out for her heels, so he was prepared.

“Mum.” Aaron groans, holds her by the arm as she pulls away from him so he can breathe.

“So thing’s are … more than fine?” Chas asks like she needs to, and when Aaron nods she clasps her hands together and smiles even wider.

“Should we go setting a date for the weeding then?”

Aaron turns to see Cain propped up on the bar sipping a pint.

“What? Too soon.” Cain says, then he winks, and Aaron’s shoulders relax as he smiles at him.

Chas gets him a pint ten minutes later and he sits up next to Cain at the bar whilst his mum bangs on about wanting to meet Robert properly. He knew she would, he’s not even as worried as he thought he would be over it all. Maybe because he knows nothing she could ever say is going to make him change his mind about Robert, or this whole life he suddenly has.

“He should come round for his tea tonight. I could rustle us up something.”

Cain arches an eyebrow. “Run for the hills then kid.”

“Oi.” Chas leans over the bar to hit her brother and then she looks back at her son. “What’s with the face? I’m not actually that bad of a …”

“No.” Aaron shakes his head. “It’s not that, it’s just … well Robert’s invited me round to his mum’s for Sunday lunch. It’s sort of a thing they do. So.” Aaron shrugs and then Chas waves a hand out.

“Another time then.” Chas tells him and then she’s waving at someone who has come in. Aaron doesn’t pay any attention until he’s getting squeezed on the right arm and he recognises the perfume.

“What are you doing here?” Aaron asks, and Leyla plonks herself down right next to him, setting her expensive bag on the stool next to her before smiling.

“Well your mum offered me a drink, she was more than happy to hear that my … interfering worked.”

Aaron tilts his head. “Your what?”

Leyla tells him about her ingenious plans as she sips on a glass of wine and smiles through the whole thing.

“Who’d you think told Chrissie that Robert’s mum owns land?” Leyla tells him, she sort of looks at him like she’s waiting for the light to switch on in his brain.

It does. Eventually.

Aaron frowns. “You did that?”

Leyla smirks. “Sure did.” She crosses her legs over. “I knew you two would work it out and anyway … someone like Chrissie’s only ever after money so she was hardly missing out.”

“I would have been.” Aaron whispers, almost to himself. Leyla bumps his arm, and he looks up at her.

“No need to think like that now is there?” Leyla says.

Aaron shakes his head slowly and then asks her the inevitable question with a roll of his eyes. “Go on then, how many people from work know already.”

Leyla bites her lip nervously. “Maybe three.” She waves a hand out. “Definitely two.” Aaron scoffs. “What? Priya and Finn were interested, and I could hardly …”

“Keep it to yourself. God that would be ridiculous wouldn’t it?” Aaron’s only half teasing.

\--

Aaron stares at his phone and scrolls through photos that he’s tried to hide from Nathan in stupid folders that don’t make any sense. Aaron shakes his head as he thinks about what a little spy he really thought he was when he was hiding and lying like all of it was second nature. He thinks about lying to Robert and it makes his heart ache and twist inside.

Then his eyes land on a picture of him and Robert and it’s all he can see. Granted, they’re in bed and Robert’s hair is all flat and messy against his forehead but Aaron’s laughing and there’s actually smile lines around his eyes and everything. He remembers Robert taking it, being a twat about not letting Aaron delete it.

Aaron gulps thickly at the wallpaper on his phone now. He remembers replacing the picture of him and Nathan with some standard brick wall wallpaper that came built in with his phone. He changes it now, watches as he stares at the picture of him and Robert and then hears his mum coming in to the backroom.

“Shouldn’t you be leaving soon?”

Aaron turns to her and nods. “Yeah.” He says, and then he bites his lip. “Don’t really know what to wear. I should … sort of impress her but Sarah knows me I suppose.” He shrugs.

“Not as her son’s boyfriend.”

Aaron smiles at that and then his mum is being an absolute mum about things.

“You know, I’m so proud of you.”

Aaron frowns. “I’ve been a nightmare.”

Chas shrugs. “Well yeah. Sort of. But. You came out the other side didn’t you?”

Aaron huffs and then he feels his mum pull him into another one of her crushing hugs.

\--

Aaron’s stole a bottle of wine from the cellar and stares at it as he looks up at Sarah’s and then clears his throat. He can already spot Robert’s car, and his shoulders relax when he realises that he won’t have to sit in his car waiting for him to arrive or anything. Aaron breathes in, thinks about the fact that his mum just kept banging on and on about how proud she is of him like he’s run a marathon or something.

He has a boyfriend, Robert. He hasn’t thought of Nathan in such a long time and it ticks in his mind for a second before it evaporates again. He just keeps staring at Sarah’s house and then away again, he stares down at the bottle again and then hears a tapping on the window. When he looks up, he sees that Victoria is bent towards the window and he rolls it down for her.

“Rob’s already told me.” Vic says. She has her arms folded over and Aaron’s too shocked to even say anything. He was planning to. He was going to pull her aside and say something that would be worth her time. He wants her to like him, it’s sort of the long and short of it and he knows that he’s hardly given her the best impression of him but it’s something he has to work on. He knows that.

“Right.” Aaron says.

“So you don’t need to hang out here. I’m not going to bite you.” Vic says and then she turns back to the cottage again.

Aaron plucks up the courage to follow behind her, he holds the bottle of wine like he’s holding a baby and he darts his eyes about until he’s seeing Robert in the kitchen with Sarah and this bloke he supposes is the one she’s seeing. Aaron nods awkwardly before Robert is coming towards him, kissing him gently and then taking the bottle of wine.

“You stole that didn’t you?”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he wants to wallop Robert over the way it sounds. “ _No_. Just – from my mum’s … I didn’t steal it.”

“Oh calm down love.” Sarah says, she turns and rubs her hands over her apron. “Robert said you’d be joining us.”

Aaron wonders who else is going to be coming but he doesn’t have to wait long. He turns to see Andy walk through the door with a blonde woman holding her stomach. Aaron looks up at Robert, sees the way his eyes flicker slightly.

“I take it that’s Katie.” Aaron whispers. Robert nods his head slowly and Aaron takes her in. He didn’t expect her to look the way she does, her imagines her with a halo over her head and then he thinks about the fact that it’s probably why Andy forgave her. She _looks_ pretty harmless. “Why don’t you go have a word.” Aaron says. He holds at Robert’s hand; squeezes down like he knows what Robert is thinking.

Robert breathes in. He doesn’t really have anything to say to her, but he supposes he should at least try with some mindless small talk.

“Yeah.” Robert tells Aaron and then he looks all nervous. “Won’t be a minute then.” Robert’s hand squeezes his before he lets go and walks towards Andy and Katie.

Andy nods at him, Robert gulps hard and then his gaze flickers to Katie. He hasn’t said anything to her for years really. Even that night, when Andy told him the good news and he drank with them like nothing was wrong. He didn’t really say anything at all.

“Hey.” Robert says. He looks back at Aaron and sees that he’s got his sleeves rolled up and Sarah’s making him chop carrots. Aaron looks up, mouths ‘help me’ before looking down again. Robert smiles at him and then turns back to his brother.

Andy nods towards Aaron. “He hasn’t put you up this has he?” Robert rolls his eyes. “I’m kidding.” He says. “I suppose you’re … giving things a go then?”

Robert nods slowly. “Yeah. Properly.” He looks back at Aaron again and smiles.

Andy pulls this face, looks proper old for it. “Makes you look more smiley I suppose. Better.”

“Do you ever not suppose?” Robert says. His shoulders relax slightly, and Katie just sort of stands there like Mark always does. He half expects her to scurry away, but she doesn’t.

Andy shrugs. “Heard you fixed the fence? I should say bodged but … it don’t really matter when you get a fancy woman to come in and pay for everything right?”

Robert rolls his eyes. “It’s a business Andy. It’s going to be big.” He says, and it feels weird to say. He believes in himself; he actually does. It helps that he spent ages early this morning just holding his and Aaron’s hands up in mid-air and chatting away about how they could make lodgings too, extend out and by more useless farm land. He tells Andy and gets an eye roll back because apparently he has no clue about protecting the countryside or something.

For a second, the slight judgement in Andy’s voice is just all his dad. It makes Robert twitch slightly, but he fights against it. He realises, maybe way too many years too late, that Andy’s his brother and he loves him and that’s worth more than this thing that he’s always made sure separates them.

“I doubt you’re going to be doing any of the labour work though right?” Andy says.

Robert scoffs. “That’s what contractors are for. Besides, Aaron’s keen on helping out too. So.”

Andy nods and then looks at Aaron again. “He’s not going to have another pop at me again is he?”

“When did he do that?” Katie suddenly speaks and Robert’s jaw locks at the way she looks at Aaron like she’s scared of him or something.

Andy sobers. “It was nothing.” He says. It should be the end of it really because Mark calls Andy to help him set the table or something. Robert goes to turn away and then he spins back around and looks at Katie again.

“Look. I …”

“Have a boyfriend apparently. Things do change.” Katie says, she clutches her stomach and then tilts her head.

Robert’s jaw tightens. “I’m bisexual. Nothing’s changed.”

Katie raises an eyebrow. “Right.” She says before looking over at Aaron again. “Doesn’t seem like your usual type.”

Robert thinks of how true the statement is until he’s almost irritated by it.

“Andy didn’t tell you about him I guess.”

Katie shakes her head and Robert doesn’t know how to feel. For a bit, he thought of Andy complaining about the fact that his brother’s with a bloke, not understanding it, making it into a thing that just adds to the list of Robert shaped problems he seems to have.

He relaxes under it for a second or two and then watches Katie looking at Aaron.

“What’s there for him to tell me other than he’s a bloke.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “He was with someone else when we were seeing each other.”

Katie’s surprised face shouldn’t be as funny as it is considering she knows exactly what he’s talking about. “Wow.” She says. “So he was …”

“Having an affair. It came out. I … I told the guy.” Robert clears his throat. “Me and Andy weren’t exactly …”

“He said you just had an argument, didn’t tell me what about.” Katie says, then she tuts. “But you and him are …”

“Not best friends but …” Robert looks down at Katie’s growing bump. “I don’t want any more arguments.”

“That makes two of us.” Katie says.

Robert’s shoulders flatten a little in relief.

Aaron watches from the kitchen, he has a hesitant smile on his face that Sarah seems to latch onto.

“I’ve not seen him so … comfortable in a long while.” Sarah says.

Aaron looks up at her. “They seem like they’re sorting it out.”

“Should be saying thanks.” Sarah tells him. “I heard you … encouraging him to sort it out.” Aaron just shrugs like it was nothing. “He really listens to you.”

“Can’t think why.” Aaron sighs. “I talk rubbish half the time.”

Sarah gives him this look only a mother would. “Don’t sell yourself short.” She tells him. Aaron gulps hard. “I want to believe you won’t hurt him again, in fact, I do. So don’t go proving me …”

“I won’t.” Aaron says quickly, comes closer towards her. “I was selfish.” Sarah looks up at him. “More than that. I didn’t … I kept not wanting to make it any worse than it was but all I did was end up hurting Rob more and I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I …”

“I know all of this. So does he.” Sarah says, like it’s old news.

Aaron shoulder’s relax and he looks down at his hands. “I’m sort of waiting for him to realise I wasn’t really worth all the waiting he did.” He tries to make it sound light-hearted, but it doesn’t land and Sarah only frowns at him.

“That boy adores you.” Sarah tells him, she has a hand on her hip. “You’re not that bad.” He looks up at her, nearly smiles. “You’re not bad at all love.”

Aaron shudders out this nervous look.

“I’m not going to mess it up.” Aaron says seriously. Sarah nods, actually winks at him and he breathes in before watching Victoria come down the stairs. He watches as she walks outside, and he follows her until she realises and turns. “I just wanted to have a …”

“I heard what you said to my mum.” Vic says. “I’m not exactly sorry for giving you a hard time but …”

Aaron nods. “Fair enough.” He shrugs. “I don’t expect you think I’m amazing and that your brother couldn’t do better. I know he can.” He dips his head down, has both hands in his pockets. “But he loves me, and I really _really_ love him.”

Vic smiles. “Yeah. Think the whole world knows now.”

He expects her to tell him not to push his luck or something, but she nods and comes towards him with her arms crossed. She does the whole ‘don’t you ever hurt him again’ thing and Aaron listens to every word like he is very much intimidated. He doesn’t really need to pretend.

The front door goes, and Robert walks towards them, looks down at his sister like he’s worried she’s just giving Aaron a mouthful of insults or something.

“We’re fine.” Vic says, eyes rolling. “Aren’t we Aaron?”

Aaron nods and then has a hand squeezing into Robert’s. “Now I’ve got my head screwed on right, we are. Yeah.”

Vic smirks like she appreciates the comment and Aaron nods at her before Robert is telling them both that everyone’s waiting for them to start eating.

“Can open Aaron’s cheap bottle can’t we.” Vic says, already walking back towards the cottage.

“Oi.” Aaron says, he laughs and then suddenly feels Robert sweep in and kiss him hard on the mouth. The sky is still blue but it’s heavy with pink pretty clouds that seem to stretch for miles and miles. Aaron can’t help but think about how much better it makes everything seem.

“What was that for?”

“You.” Robert whispers as his nose bumps past Aaron’s and he breathes gently into his mouth. “Coming here, making an effort with everyone.”

Aaron’s eyes sparkle. “Wanted to make sure they knew I wasn’t going anywhere, that’s all.”

“And you’re not.” Robert says.

“No way.” Aaron says before he’s feeling Robert’s strong hands by his waist as he kisses him deeply and then pulls back. “You’re stuck with me now.”

Robert pulls a face and Aaron hits him lightly on the chest.

“And that means my lot as well. Trust me, there’s a lot more of them than your lot.” Aaron strokes against Robert’s knuckles as his hand stays loose against Aaron’s hip. Robert’s eyes widen. “They’ll love you. Don’t be worried.”

“I’m not actually.” Robert says, and he supposes he should be. He doesn’t really have a job yet and whatever these adventure park plans are could so easily fall through, and he wants Aaron to be with him all the time, but he doesn’t want to ask him to move in just yet and go too fast with this. He’s got niggles and fears and they sit on his mind, dance about from time to time but he isn’t worried now. He looks up at he has Aaron, and a family inside, and it all really does count for everything. 

For the first time in so long, he allows himself to think of just him and Aaron and nothing else. For months it’s been clouded and heavy and filled with what if’s and maybes and now it isn’t. Now it’s sitting and eating Sunday lunch with the guy he’s spent every Sunday thinking about, it’s hand holding under the table and laughing when Andy says something stupid. It goes beyond the moment, goes to later tonight, a date and then a bed and then moments from now he can’t even really imagine.

It’s almost like Aaron goes through the same motions in his mind when he shakes his head, smiles gently. He bites his lip, his smile growing wider.

“Neither am I.” He says, which is crazy. He can’t remember the last time he didn’t feel the weight of pressures sitting heavy on his shoulders. He nods his head, leans in to kiss Robert gently and then he’s feeling Robert grab his hand and he walks them back inside the cottage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's it! i really hope you enjoyed this, i was pretty nervous about posting in because ik people would have maybe liked it to happen differently idk. but yeah. it seemed like a natural end to me before the epilogue which should be as long as this and i promise it'll be fluffy! i just wanted to say a masssive masssive GIANT thank you to every single person who has left kudos and comments on this fic and even bookmarked it. that's crazy to me. thank you so so much! i really hope you have enjoyed this fic as much as i have enjoyed writing it!!


	42. A lifetime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert celebrate the official launch of Robert's business. Aaron has some questions for Robert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the final chapter! it's somehow managed to get to 18k which ....... i can only apologise for if you prefer shorter chapters. if you do then i suggest taking a break in the middle. i was going to split it up but considering it happens all in one day, it was pretty hard to do that
> 
> anyways, happy happy reading. i really do hope you enjoy this last chapter (it's very soft !!!)

Aaron wakes up with his head buried in his pillow and the sound of his alarm blaring in his ears. For a second he reaches out, grabs for Robert like he’ll be able to make the noise quiet down but instead he’s feeling up Robert’s pillow. He groans, pulls it right over his head and pushes himself further into the bed to escape the sound. It works up until the point where Robert is shaking at his leg, then coming forward and kissing at Aaron’s head.

Aaron finally opens his eyes and the first thing he sees is Robert. He breathes in sharply like he’s almost shocked that he’s here, still here. He kicks the thought out of his head as he realises what the time is.

“Shit.” Aaron mumbles, finally looking up and turning over in their bed. Robert’s already got this face on, looks utterly unimpressed and Aaron knows it isn’t the time to take the piss out of him. But usually he would, he’d mention the fact that Robert looks like a little boy with his hair all soft against his forehead. He’d also begrudgingly point out that the rug Robert bought for their room, the one they really didn’t need, actually did its job because he didn’t hear him come in at all.

He’d do all that, only Robert looks way too nervous for any of it to be delivered the way he intends to be.

Aaron sits up, brings a hand out towards Robert’s and squeezes down. “Oi.” Robert looks away. “It’ll be fine. You know it will.”

Robert breathes in, proper gazes into Aaron’s eyes like he’s getting wrapped up in him. Then his shoulders tighten slightly. “You’re still in bed.” He says, pulling his eyes away as Aaron’s hand comes round to hold his waist. “Aaron seriously, I’ve got Vic banging on about where we are.”

Aaron frowns, then grabs at his hoodie against the bed frame and pulls it over himself. “We’ve got hours yet, don’t worry.”

Robert looks at him like he’s mad, but he doesn’t pull away from the way Aaron’s hand is around his waist. He breathes out slowly and then frowns. “How can’t I?”

Aaron thinks about the fact that Robert’s been like this for a while now. He’s all nervous about the park and they both know it’s because he’s chucked his all at it and then some. It’s been this work in progress and now it’s here and it doesn’t even feel real. Aaron knows that Robert’s not mad to be nervous about the launch, he knows because he feels the exact same. He’s been living with the stress and the worry mixed in with all the excitement for ages now.

“It’s been worth the wait hasn’t it? You up there, thanking everyone. You owning your own business.” Aaron wriggles an eyebrow, kneels on the bed with his hand still holding Robert in by the waist. He smiles, leans in to kiss Robert.

Robert suddenly has restraint and Aaron scowls.

“We’ll celebrate after it’s over. Not before it’s even started.” Robert tells him, nods his head a little like he’s convincing himself not to jump on Aaron.

Aaron darts his head down, smiles a little and then watches as Robert tries doing something with his hair. He just tilts his head up and his smile grows bigger. He leans in again and Robert rolls his eyes playfully into a kiss. Aaron pulls at him until he’s sure he’s won, they’re both laid out on the bed and Robert is in between his legs but then Robert’s pulling away again.

“Seriously.” Robert’s panting. Aaron smirks up, feels this ripple of pride sort of race through him. He’s still got it. “We’ll celebrate later, after I’ve finished shaking hands with idiots.”

Aaron sits up on his elbows, raises an eyebrow. “Oi. You and Andy are best mates now.”

Robert bites his lip, face reddening. It’s not even a joke really. Aaron says it’s because they’re both getting on a bit and they don’t need the hassle. Andy says it’s because Robert’s got Aaron and he’s all soft now.

“Why you so calm?” Robert asks as he tilts his head up to the side.

Aaron breathes in, a smile creeping across his face. Robert’s got a point really. He’s not really known for this attitude. It’s sort of crept up on him recently though, he’s just been happy and content. He’s been content for so long now that it just feels normal.

“Because …” Aaron smiles faintly. “Today is going to be a good day.”

Robert looks at him funny.

“You’re meant to say that. You’re my boyfriend.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “I sure am. And I’m right. They’re going to love it.” He smooths a hand over Robert’s waist. “Besides. Chrissie can do all the schmoozing can’t she? You just focus on making sure Vic doesn’t poison anyone.”

Robert arches an eyebrow, gasps playfully. “I’ll tell her you said that.”

Aaron scowls. “Don’t go doing that, she’d never stop banging on about it.” He says, and mainly because Vic more than tolerates him nowadays. They actually team up against Robert sometimes. She actually likes him now and Aaron was so sure he’d never really see the day.

Robert nods. “OK fine I won’t but get a move on. We need to go and check the site and stuff.” He leans down, slaps Aaron’s arse and then starts pottering around the room again.

Aaron just stares, looks around at him and then crosses his legs over.

“Um. I need to pick something up.” Aaron looks everywhere but Robert’s face. It’s difficult to act absolutely normal when he knows Robert is very much confused right about now.

“What?”

Aaron gulps hard, scratches over his eyebrow. “Well. It’s important.”

“Important?” Robert asks but then he’s turning away.

Aaron nods nervously.

Robert goes into their wardrobe, pushes over Aaron’s tracksuit and complains about the way the divider that they’ve put in isn’t really working. It makes Aaron smile a little, he thinks about how it originally was the complaint that got Aaron moving in. A grand total of three days into being together properly and Aaron was already leaving things, first it was a spare charger, followed by a spare toothbrush and some jumpers just in case. It was the tracksuit two months later that did it though. It was heavy on the hanger and fell down, scaring them both half to death in the middle of sex. They had an argument, in the middle of rolling around in each other and somehow it resulted in Robert asking Aaron just to move in with him already.

Now, it makes Robert still complain. Aaron uses it to his advantage.

“Could always get a bigger one.”

Robert keeps rummaging, sticking his arse in the air and making Aaron just stare at him like a weirdo. “What, a bigger wardrobe?”

Aaron gulps hard, starts playing with his hands. “No, I meant like a bigger place actually.”

Robert definitely hears it. Aaron knows him so well that he doesn’t even have to see his face to know that it has registered. He starts playing with his hands even more, pulling at his fingers to crack them and then placing both hands on his hips.

“You know, I just …”

Robert turns slowly. His eyes are wide and it’s not like Aaron planned on asking him right this minute, but it sort of felt like it made the most sense. It was meant to come after other things, and Robert’s head is all over the place today as it is but now feels like time, so he doesn’t take it back. He just stares at Robert and his eyes dart.

“You want to find a place?” Robert asks, he tilts his head. “Like a … house or …”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he nods his head. He’s wanted to for over a year, but he didn’t want to scare Robert into anything that he wasn’t ready for. They were watching this soppy Grand Designs episode and arguing over absolutely every decision made. Robert wanted all this modern stuff, cupboards with no handles and sensory lights and Aaron liked all the dark wood and high ceilings. In the end they both liked the garden. Aaron remembers the way Robert wrapped an arm around him, mumbling something against his head about them probably making a good team when it comes to all of that stuff if they put their minds too it.

It made Aaron’s heart thud, and then so did the stupid welcome mat Robert randomly bought for the flat a few weeks later.

Aaron smiles now and can’t help but remain nervous despite his certainty. “Yeah, I do. With you.”

Robert stands, he’s holding one of his shoes and nods his head. “We might have to you know … save up and stuff.” He runs a hand through his hair and Aaron feels this love pour out of him because he knows how tentative Robert is being. He knows why too.

“Already started.” Aaron says, and his voice is still croaky and sleepy but he’s certain as he speaks. Robert pulls this face. “I’m working. You’re going to become a multimillionaire with the park.” Robert rolls his eyes. “Seriously, I … I want a place that’s … ours.”

Aaron hasn’t thought about Nathan in a really long time, but he does now. He thinks about how Nathan’s flat was Nathan’s for the most part before it became Aaron’s too. It was theirs but he never felt this desperate need to concrete that feeling at all by buying somewhere together. Now, he feels it. He looks around and thinks of how it’s been his flat too for ages now but he’s eager for it to be like his that little bit more.

Aaron breathes in, blushes slightly and then Robert is walking towards him and kissing him slowly. Aaron melts into it, sort of doesn’t know how not to. Eventually, Robert brings his head away.

“Is that a yes then?” Aaron breathes into Robert’s mouth, tilts his head.

Robert nods slowly and he’s blushing and it’s sort of the best thing in the world really. “If you’re sure.”

“Very.” Aaron says. “I know we’ll have to wait, see how the first few months of the park go but … we can start looking can’t we?”

Robert circles Aaron’s hip with his thumb. “Yeah. We can.” He whispers.

The deepness of the conversation makes something flutter through Aaron, and he pulls Robert back down on the bed. Robert hardly resists, instead he ruts again Aaron and moans as he pulls Aaron in for a kiss. It’s an exchange of sloppy blowjobs later before Aaron is being scolded by his boyfriend again for trying to seduce him into being late for his own business opening.

“I cannot resist you. What do you want me to say?” Aaron says, face pink and eyes blue as he smiles at Robert.

Robert frowns at him. “You’re very … chirpy.”

“Don’t have a reason not to be do I?” Aaron bites his lip. “My boyfriend’s a businessmen, and I’m lucky enough to be finding a place with him too.”

Robert dips his head down; something swirls inside him. “You mean that don’t you?”

Aaron thinks of the fact that their past is their past until sometimes it isn’t. He thinks of what he said all that time ago about proving it to Robert and how sometimes his brain just doesn’t want to play ball. Sometimes Aaron gets down, and sad, and things go dark and he does the worst thing possible by making Robert question things when it’s the last thing he wants.

He hasn’t for a while, but the last time sticks out. Aaron thinks about it for a second, his mind traces back to a promotion at work he went for and eventually got in the end. He didn’t think he’d get it, and a couple of people at work didn’t think so either and everyone’s opinions bled into his own doubts and made him take it out on Robert.

He remembers just shouting at him, telling Robert to just not speak to him when he’s like this. He remembers slamming the bathroom door and hearing it getting pounded on and opening it seconds later because he knew what Robert thought he could be doing.

Robert looked like someone had stamped on his heart when Aaron opened the door, but he didn’t make it about that. Instead, he stepped forward and told Aaron that they could go for a run together if that will clear his head but he’s not leaving him when he’s like this. Aaron felt like running out the door, putting a stop to even the slightest bit of worry Robert had but instead he felt Robert’s hands on his arms stroking slowly and he bent himself into Robert’s chest before crying.

Time managed to stop then. Aaron woke up two hours later to being held by Robert in their bed and as he turned, Robert’s body came alive and he started combing through Aaron’s hair and telling him he loves him. It didn’t panic Aaron. It’s what Aaron remembers now he thinks about it. He remembers the fact that his mind felt broken, and weak and Robert give him space to let it all rush out until he was better and in his arms.

Aaron’s eyes are wide now. Robert stares down at him, his mouth slightly parted as he looks at how beautiful Aaron is. He always gets caught up in it.

“So much.” Aaron whispers. “Always.”

Robert huffs out a breath. “Very romantic.”

Aaron pulls a face. “Sarcastic much?”

Robert bites his lip. “Shut up.” He says, kissing Aaron lightly again and then leaning up. “You really need to go pick something up?”

Aaron’s shoulders melt and he nods his head. “I really really need to.” He says.

Robert gives him this look. “Is it from your mum, I should be scared right?”

Aaron thinks about the way his mum tried to be overly nice and threatening with Robert simultaneously at the start and how it’s really just made her this unpredictable mess when it comes to having anything to do with Robert. He supposes it’s better than how straightforward Faith is though. Anything would be better than that.

“You always are when it comes to my family.” Aaron says, pretending like he’s offended by it.

Robert yanks out his other shoe from the wardrobe. “Well your Sam did wave a gun in my face the first time we met.”

Aaron scowls. “He’d just been pheasant shooting or looking for rabbits or … something work related. That’s the point of it.” He waves a hand out and remembers how Sam really did just wave a shot gun around as he quizzed Aaron on who the blond fella was. He had to be awkward about it, had to mention Nathan and if he knew he was still “doing two at once” so that was incredibly fun.

Robert sits on the edge of the bed. “And what was Cain’s excuse?”

Aaron blushes, stares at the length of Robert’s back as he shakes his head. “He was taking it off Sam.”

Robert huffs. “Whatever.” He laughs.

Aaron finally gets up.

“Seriously.” Robert says slowly. Aaron looks up. “What’s so important?”

Aaron’s heart thuds. “You’ll find out won’t you?”

Robert stands. “Now I’m even more nervous.”

Aaron comes closer to Robert and places a hand on Robert’s chest. “I still make you nervous do I?”

Robert rolls his eyes.

“Heart skip a beat does it? Nearly three years strong.” Aaron plants small kisses along Robert’s jaw. He smiles gently and thinks for a second of how loving he is with Robert. He remembers his mum seeing them together for the first proper time. Aaron couldn’t keep his hands away from Robert in this really gentle way. He wasn’t clawing at him, pawing at his crotch or anything wild. It was more just a hand on Robert’s thigh, or shoulder, or waist. His mum thought it was soft, she made a song and dance about telling Aaron that she gets it. It meant a lot more than Aaron let on.

Robert moves away. “Shut up.” He says.

Aaron arches an eyebrow, goes to walk away but Robert pulls him back by his arm and pushes them into a kiss before leaning away again.

“Don’t be late.” Robert whispers. “That’s all I’m saying.”

Aaron frowns. “Of course I won’t.” He says.

Robert grabs his keys and heads towards the door before throwing out a “love you” before he’s gone. Aaron sits slowly on the edge of the bed, smiles warmly to himself and then he’s back to having this fizzing feeling race through whenever Robert isn’t nearby. It’s been like this for a while now and he knows exactly why.

He gulps down hard and then goes to jump into the shower.

\--

Robert’s halfway down the stairs when he sees George walking towards him, he’s walking slower than a snail. Robert is absolutely certain of it. He helps him along, basically has to walk back the way he came, and George just keeps saying how he doesn’t want a fuss. It’s exactly why he’s still here in his flat and not a care home.

“It’s not a fuss.” Robert says, but he looks down at his watch once he’s opened George’s door.

“Somewhere to be?” George says, he sits slowly in his armchair.

Robert nods. “The adventure park.” He says. “You know, the thing me and …”

“Your Aaron.” George says, and he smiles all fondly.

Robert dips his head down, blushes slightly. He thinks about how Aaron’s been with him through all the setbacks and worries since they officially started planning it all. He thinks of how Aaron nearly flattened a builder for daring to say the designs for the glamping site didn’t look like all that impressive.

“It’s sort of the launch today. Official. Glamping site and the activity area.” Robert pulls a face. “It’s all come together, Aaron’s even asked us to get a place together.” He didn’t think Aaron would ask. He’s been thinking about it for ages himself, ever since Aaron was arguing with him about the interior designs of the park. He agreed with Chrissie without knowing every single time and it just felt nice to be like that with him. He put it to the back of his mind, forced it down mainly because of how Aaron didn’t want that with Nathan. He obviously didn’t feel the need to buy a home with him.

Robert’s still getting used to how different he is though. It still makes his head feel light.

George is still smiling. “I’m incredibly happy for you.” He says, nodding his head. “And him. He’s a good’un.” He says.

Robert sometimes finds himself wondering why George is so taken by Aaron, but he only needs a second to think why. It makes him smile mainly because Aaron bangs on about how old people hate him.

“Yeah. He really is.” Robert whispers.

\--

Aaron stares through the window and feels like he’s going to faint by all the choices in front of him. He holds the small bag tighter around his wrist and swings in back and forth before looking down again and feeling his heart pound as he thinks about whether Robert will appreciate the tie or not. It’s a pink one, has R J S on the back written in gold. It’s cost Aaron an arm and a leg but it’s him being sentimental and thinking about when they first met and how he blamed having a hangover for the rippling feeling race through his stomach.

Aaron gulps hard, then looks up again through the window and feels overwhelmed by everything just laid out in front of him.

He knows what he wants. He knows that it’s just a ring. It’s a ring, but he needs more than one. He needs two. He needs to buy two rings and hope that Robert doesn’t think he’s an absolute prat for asking him to actually marry him.

Aaron holds in a breath as he thinks about Robert being confused, and horrified, and absolutely not wanting them to go down that road. He hasn’t actually ever asked him. For obvious reasons, Aaron knows that Robert doesn’t really have the best relationship with marriage. His mum and dad divorced, and then Katie married Andy and Aaron knows he’s hardly done anything to change his low opinion on the whole thing. He doesn’t want to think about it. Instead he just stares at all the different ring styles until he’s almost dizzy. There’s so much choice. He didn’t think they’d be this much choice.

Aaron forces himself to think about Robert’s reaction to them finding a place together. Robert’s just got his head around that, he was shocked, stunned really and it was only the thought of them finding a home together.

This is bigger, this is _forever_.

He’s said it before, he’s promised to prove how much he wants to be with Robert for the rest of his life and he meant it then, but he means it so much more now. He’s been thinking about all of this for a long while now. There’s this ache in his chest that twists when he thinks about the fact that he can’t really imagine not sleeping next to Robert every night.

The heaviness of it all makes Aaron peel his eyes away from the window and then his eyes are landing on someone he hasn’t seen for so long now. He sees Nathan, holding this bloke’s hand and walking a dog. He’s just across the road from him and Aaron watches as Nathan looks up and sees him. There’s no question about it. Nathan can’t really pretend like he’s just day dreaming or something because they’ve been staring at each other for a good five seconds now.

Aaron doesn’t move. He just watches as the bloke Nathan is with starts walking towards him without even really realising. Nathan starts walking too and then Aaron watches as he tugs at the bloke’s arm and whispers something to him. Aaron just stands in the same place like some fool. The bloke frowns, then looks annoyed as his shoulders flatten, and he says he’ll be in the car.

“Come on buddy.” The bloke says, he takes the dog from Nathan and walks away.

Aaron doesn’t really know what to say. It’s sort of something he never really expected to happen so he just stays quiet and then realises that he should at least try and not be weird about this. He tilts his head up, suddenly feels warm in his jacket considering the sun is poking out. He looks back down to Nathan again and properly soaks him in.

His eyes look brighter. His hair is longer than Aaron remembers it being too. He’s wearing a long check shirt that Aaron remembers him always chucking on. It makes him gulp thickly.

“You … you look good.” Aaron says. “Well I mean.”

Nathan frowns faintly. “Thanks.” He says and it’s just as awkward as this whole thing was always going to be. He breathes in. “It’s …” He goes to say something and then stops. “I don’t really know what to say when I see my cheating ex fiancé so …”

Aaron almost appreciates how blunt Nathan is. He doesn’t really pick up on any real anger, but he sort of latches onto the fact that he’s definitely been reduced to just that sort of relationship for Nathan and that clearly says a lot. He feels bad. It’s just taken less than a minute in Nathan’s company and he’s instantly dragged back through the guilt.

“Don’t really not what to say either.” Aaron says. He itches his eyebrow and then blinks slowly as he sees that the bloke Nathan was with is just sitting in his car staring at them like he thinks Aaron’s going to manage to break Nathan’s heart within a couple of minutes. “He your …”

“My ex. Well not anymore but.” Nathan says. Aaron instantly remembers seeing him at that restaurant when they were together. He knew then that Nathan deserved so much better and it ate away at him for so long. “The one we saw at that restaurant. I mean … it took me time to … trust again but … I’m glad I did.”

Aaron searches his brain, thinks of how Nathan was only friendly with his ex because they hadn’t ended on bad terms. His ex had a great job opportunity, and they couldn’t work long distance. It wasn’t like he cheated or anything. Aaron blushes red.

“So am I.” Aaron says, because he actually means it.

Nathan clearly doesn’t know what to do with that comment though because he just looks away, clears his throat and there’s this stretch of silence between them. Aaron thinks about how Nathan’s clearly settled, he’s got a bloody dog and everything. He thinks about turning away, leaving it but something stops him.

“So you’re ... not in Wales.”

Nathan looks around slowly. “No. Don’t worry though, Sonny is. He’s still got Penny.”

Aaron raises an eyebrow. “I’m glad.” He says with a nod of the head. He’s not really sure if he is, he supposes so. He’s more surprised than anything and then he’s suddenly thinking about the fact Sonny’s obviously grown up. He wonders if he’s still a twat until Nathan is speaking again.

“I moved back a year ago.” Nathan shrugs, looks towards the car. “Frankie had moved back here by then so …”

“That’s good.” Aaron nods. Then he tilts his head. “He makes you happy?” It’s not even really a question, Aaron can see it.

Nathan nods. “Happiest I’ve ever been.” He says.

Aaron’s eyes flicker, it sort of sounds like a dig and if he wasn’t standing outside a jewellers staring at engagement rings then he’d feel it more than he does. He just smiles. He hopes it meets his eyes. He wants Nathan to know that however weird this all is, he hopes he’s happy. He really does.

“That’s all I wanted.”

Nathan frowns. “That’s doubtful.” He says, voice light like he’s trying to draw something back from it.

Aaron looks down.

“Sorry. I ... I should get going.” Nathan itches his eyebrow. Aaron bites his lip and he breathes in.

“Yeah.” Aaron says. He takes a step back. “Yeah. It was …” Aaron doesn’t know how it was, he was going to say it was nice seeing Nathan, but it was stranger than anything. He can’t get over the fact that it’s happened today. Today of all days. It seems fitting but he’s hardly going to tell Nathan that.

Nathan nods his head and then he turns back towards Frankie. Aaron swings the small bag back and forth for a second and then looks back into the window, has a hand gently plastered against the glass as he spots a ring. He stares, heart pounding as he thinks of what Robert’s family would think of him doing this. Then he looks up again and watches Nathan begin to disappear from sight. He watches him and then looks back at the glass again before hearing his name being called.

He looks up, sees Nathan staring at him with this look on his face.

“I take it … that’s for Robert.”

Aaron’s eyes widen slightly, and he shuffles, looks down at the small bag and then Nathan is shaking his head.

“No the ring you're going to get.” Nathan says, cool as ever. He sticks a hand in his pocket and Aaron’s mouth hangs open slightly. “You’re proposing?”

Aaron sort of wants to kick himself when he nods and realises that Nathan’s the first person he’s told. He’s kept it all to himself up until now despite how much he’s been thinking about telling Liv or his mum and asking them to shut up about it until he’s ready. He doesn’t know whether he’s going to do that thing where he asks Sarah for permission or whatever. For the smallest of seconds he entertains the idea of asking Nathan if he asked Chas before asking Aaron. He’s sure he did.

Aaron gulps hard and then nods. “I … maybe.” He says. He’s not even sure why he says it, he just shrugs and feels way too awkward for words.

Nathan look confused. “Second thoughts then?”

The thought is a daft one and Aaron suddenly realises he’s not going to try and belittle things just for Nathan’s benefit. “No. No, I … yeah it’s for Robert.”

Aaron’s sure Nathan is going to say something about it, lash out maybe or go on about the fact that he’s not going to say congratulations then he shouldn’t hold his breath.

Instead, Nathan tilts his head and Aaron can see the twinge of something on his face. It looks like something close to pain. “Worked out then?”

Aaron’s struck by the realisation that Nathan knows Robert as this very particular person who not only ruined his relationship but revealed it all in his way that made his heart smash to pieces. He knows their relationship as something tormented and intense and broken. It’s miles away from what it is now, it’s miles away from everything that him and Robert have worked to get to.

It’s even more than it was then if that’s even possible.

“Yeah. In the end it did.” Aaron nods.

Nathan has this different look on his face now and he tilts his head, almost smiles. Aaron’s shoulders flatten. “For both of us.” He says.

There’s this space between them from where Nathan’s walked away. Aaron doesn’t move towards him. He doesn’t have to. Neither of them do really.

Aaron thinks of the fact that Nathan wanted to marry him so much once. He feels so guilty, but he bats it away, dips his head down instead of spilling out things that he knows Nathan doesn’t want to hear two years after the fact.

“I … don’t expect you to have … gotten over things. Forgiven me or anything.”

Nathan nods his head slowly and Aaron can’t really read the expression on his face. “Well I have.” He says. Aaron just stares. “I don’t think about you.” Aaron has absolutely no idea what to say to that, so he keeps his mouth shut . Then Nathan looks back at Frankie again.

“I think he wants to ask me to marry him. Keeps mentioning it actually.”

Aaron raises an eyebrow in surprise. He didn’t expect Nathan to tell him that. “Oh.” He sees that Nathan looks unsure. “But you …”

“I want to take it slow, hold back a bit.”

Aaron breathes in. “Because of me?” Nathan darts his head down. Aaron finally steps forward. “Don’t.” He says sharply and Nathan looks up. “Grab life by the –” He breathes in. “You’re Nathan got-a-tattoo-when-I-was-blind-drunk Nathan.” He shrugs.

Nathan dips his head; Aaron watches him smile and his heart pounds again.

“I should go.” Nathan says.

Aaron stands straighter. “Yeah.” He says. “I should go too.” He looks through the shop window again and then turns back to Nathan.

“Bye.” Nathan says. Aaron nods, turns away again. “I … I don’t hope he doesn’t say yes.”

Aaron frowns, it’s a weird way of saying it but he understands. He gets it. He appreciates it. “Thanks.” He whispers, almost to himself as he watches Nathan walk away from him again.

Aaron stares watching before turning around to see that the woman in the jewellers is giving him this look like she’s seen him standing outside looking like a nervous fool for ages now. She waves a hand out, tells him to come in like she won’t bite.

Aaron steps inside.

\--

Robert breathes in as he takes the place in and then sees Chrissie standing there with her father banging on about how it better not start raining. He stares around, takes it in and then sees that his sister’s already set up her food van, she looks up and then gives him a thumbs up and mouths at him that it’s all going to be fine. He believes her until he sees people in suits start to walk towards Chrissie. She greets them all professionally and he stands there like a spare part until he spots Liv by his mum’s cottage.

Robert smiles, walks over towards her. He’s not about to tell her that her very presence has calmed him down a little because they still have this thing where they pretend that they’re annoyed at each other half the time. It’s one of their things, Aaron’s long got over the worry of them not getting along.

Robert remembers when they first met, how awkward Liv was with him over how him and her brother started. It feels like ages since they genuinely had any awkwardness between them like that.

“Olivia.”

Liv looks up, smiles. “Sugden.” She tilts her head and Robert takes her in, realises that by the clip in her hair and the way she nods her head at Robert, she’s made an effort here. He warms at it, tries not to have his smile too bright because she’ll definitely called him weird.

Robert pulls a face instead. “Sound like Cain.” He says.

Liv frowns. “He sends his love.”

“Now you’re just taking the piss.”

“Maybe.” Liv says. “Did hear him say Aaron’s fella can actually have a proper reason to wear all those suits now.”

Robert rolls his eyes; he dips his head and then looks around again.

“Where’s Aaron?”

Robert shrugs. “Your guess is as good as mine.” He looks down at his watch and then sighs. “He was supposed to be here by now.” Liv rolls her eyes. “What?”

“Probably off getting you a soppy present.”

Robert hadn’t even considered it. His head’s been almost everywhere recently. “No …” He shrugs. “I didn’t ask for anything. Besides, we’re hardly in a position to be getting each other presents.”

Liv frowns. “You really have that little faith in your own business?”

Robert frowns back at her. “What? No. I … mean … Aaron wants us to get a place together.” Every time he says it, it feels weird. George hardly reacted, he seemed to think it made sense and he was just happy for the both of them. Robert tries to gauge Liv’s reaction a little closer. He knows that they get on, he doesn’t just put up with her for Aaron’s sake and he knows the feeling is mutual.

“Do you?” Liv says, looking worried slightly.

Robert thinks the question is mental. “Of course I do. I just didn’t … think he’d want that.” He says. “Not yet. Not after …”

Liv looks more serious now. “Nathan.” She nods her head slowly and then sighs. “Well he was different. There was a massive Robert Sugden shaped dent in those plans weren’t there.” She says calmly.

Robert hasn’t really heard his name in a while. At first, whenever he was around Liv he wondered if she was comparing him to Nathan. It was all he could think about considering how kind he knows Nathan was, how stupidly nice he must have been and how he probably got on well with Liv. It’s eased now, mainly because one time, Aaron and him were bickering about something daft and Liv told him she thinks her brother has met his match. It meant more than Robert ever made out it did.

“Yeah. I know.” Robert nods his head slowly.

“So of course he’d want to find a place with you.” Liv says. “I mean I don’t really know why …”

“Oi.” Robert says playfully.

Liv smiles. “ _But_ he ain’t ever loved anyone like he loves you.” She says, nods her head like she wants to almost conform it. “It’s pretty annoying to be honest.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “So are you.”

“Well I’m not the one whose called my business after an anagram of my name.” Liv says, she crosses her arms over and Robert shoots a look at Chrissie who remains absolutely oblivious. It took him less than ten minutes to come up with Rug Tree Bonds in the end and he knows it’s going to take Chrissie a lifetime to see it as anything other than a nice neat name for her budding business.

Robert gives Liv this look.

Liv huffs. “What? It doesn’t take Sherlock to work it out.”

“Took your brother long enough.” Robert says. “Caught him doodling one night and he wrote it out and stared at it for ages.”

Robert watches as Liv starts laughing and he puts his hand in his pocket before shaking his head.

“Besides. Chrissie liked the fact that it had the word trees in it. Said it was classy.”

Liv looks at Chrissie up and down and then back towards Robert. “Wow.” She says. “Didn’t realise she was so …”

“Despite what your brother first thought, she isn’t all that sharp.” Robert prods and pokes at old news and Liv nods at him knowingly.

Robert’s mind traces all the way back to meetings with Chrissie after hours and Aaron having these niggling feelings that something was making his nerves justified or something. It took a frank conversation, one that Robert had been avoiding for a while. Aaron was more than a little worked up over all this stuff he’d thought through. It seemed to all come to a head when he was trying his best to avoid the fact that Chrissie wants to shag his boyfriend and so instead went for her trying to make him sign over all his shares of the business or something.

It seemed to start and end with Aaron worried, and finding Chrissie untrustworthy and then hours later when the shouting had stopped it seemed to circle back around to Aaron not being enough in the worst possible way.

Robert thinks of it now, the way he had stopped dead and realised that Aaron was getting himself into a state and mixing his own insecurities in with his misunderstanding of who Robert is.

“You don’t trust her, or you don’t trust me?” Robert had whispered, his eyes were red and wide as Aaron shook his head and became impossibly smaller on the sofa.

“It’s me. I don’t … what if I’m not enough for you?” Aaron had stretched his jumper right over his hands then and Robert had to look away so he wouldn’t see him sitting there crying over Chrissie White, or more than that.

“You are. Of course you are. Chrissie …”

“It’s not just her though is it?” Aaron says. “It won’t just be her.”

Robert’s heart pounded. “What’s that mean? Is this … because I’m bi ... there’s always going to be someone you think I want to be with more than you? Man or woman?”

Aaron cringed, almost folding in two. “That … that sounds …”

“Like exactly what you think, and I don’t even know what to say.”

Aaron breathed in. “Well then forget it.”

“How can I?” Robert asked. “I wasn’t home on time and you thought I was … what? With her. You think I’d rather be with her.”

“I think you’d rather be with anyone else sometimes.” Aaron shouted, and it seemed to be the start of Robert realising that sometimes Aaron’s mind clouds right over and everything he knows is scooped out of him and leaves only this hollow emptiness. “Because you should.” He said.

It took an hour for this heaviness to stop being dragged through the air. Robert pulled Aaron into his chest and Aaron curled himself around his boyfriend tighter than he ever has before.

“I’m with you. I don’t want to be with anyone else and … you don’t get to decide if I do.”

Aaron gulped hard, loud enough for Robert to hear over the hum of the television. “Bernice said something at work.”

“What did she say?” Robert could only imagine.

“About if I … if you would ever be content the way I would. If somewhere deep down you thought … what if.”

“What if what? I was with a woman?”

Aaron nodded, wiped at his eyes. “She didn’t mean to be …”

“Offensive. Ignorant.” Robert straightened his back and Aaron tilted his head up to take in his anger. “I could sit here thinking the same thing about you and Nathan couldn’t I?”

“That’s different.”

“Why?”

“Because you give me exactly what Nathan did.” Aaron said it quickly and then his mouth dropped open. “I didn’t mean it like that I just meant …”

“I know what you meant Aaron.” Robert whispered. “And I – I need you to know that you’re wrong because I just … me being bi doesn’t mean I sit around all day thinking about how much I’m missing being with a woman.”

It’s to the point. It’s this almost crude way of talking about everything he didn’t really want to. In the past he hasn’t had to, his sexuality has been bought up as something flippant at best and yet now this was Aaron insecure and doubtful and it hurt.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron said. He sounded like someone had to punched him in the gut and his hands were suddenly holding Robert’s face. “God I’m … I’m sorry I shouldn’t have even listened to her. She was just banging on about pride and … you and … I just felt stupid for not being able to say any of what you just said back to her.”

Robert stroked a hand over Aaron’s and his shoulders melted down a little.

“I just don’t feel good enough sometimes.” Aaron whispered, and the way he darted his head down so quickly was enough to make Robert bring a thumb over Aaron’s cheek and wipe the tears away.

“You’re everything.” Robert told him. “How do you not know that yet huh?” Aaron breathed in and then Robert felt tears prick his eyes. “No. I know you do. You know but sometimes you … you can’t focus on that. I know.”

Aaron’s shoulders sagged down and suddenly he looked so exhausted. “Doesn’t mean I … I say stuff like that to you.” He bit his lip. “I’m sorry for being so … stupid and ignorant and ...”

“Aaron.”

“No.” Aaron told him. “I need to not get you being bi confused with me being insecure.”

Robert stared and then eventually started nodding. “Because just because I’m bi doesn’t mean …”

Aaron made this sound, “You shouldn’t have to even explain it.”

Robert shrugged. “I get that … it might be … I don’t know … difficult.”

“It isn’t. It really isn’t. I’m just …” Aaron dipped his head down and Robert stroked through his hair softly before stopping. “I know you don’t want Chrissie.” He said eventually.

“There’s a start.”

Aaron looked up, worried. “I’m sorry for being shit.”

Robert’s heart did something funny as he leaned in and kissed Aaron the forehead. It felt right to park the conversation for now, wait until things had settle in Aaron’s head the best way possible. He remembers dragging a blanket over them both, falling asleep on the sofa to the sound of Aaron’s breathing and then waking up hours later to find Aaron sitting up against his chest and scrolling through stuff on his phone. Robert’s eyes turned beady as he read the word bisexual and then a few minutes later read the text Aaron sent to Bernice, telling her in the politest way to kindly fuck off with her relationship advice.

Robert pretended to be asleep as Aaron looked up at him. Even with his eyes shut he could feel the worry and panic etched across Aaron’s face as if he was telling himself over and over again that he could have ruined everything with his rambling.

Robert chose to open his eyes then, press his forehead right against Aaron’s. “You’re not going to lose me.” He whispered. “Not now, not ever.” He said.

Naturally, it made Aaron cry.

Now, Robert listens as Liv tries to move the conversation on to getting her and her mates in to the site for free. He’s only rescued when Aaron finally shows his face. He’s carrying a little white bag and it swings slightly as he runs a hand through his hair and practically jogs towards Robert.

“Sorry, sorry.” Aaron pulls Robert in close by his blazer and kisses him. “Traffic was mad.” He turns to see Liv pulling this face and then she looks down at the bag and up towards Robert, giving him this knowing smile.

“Vic serving food yet?” Liv asks.

Robert nods and he’s thankful when Chas appears out of nowhere and Liv manages to steer her towards the food van instead of interrupting him and Aaron.

“What’s in the bag?” Robert waves at it and Aaron blushes slightly before pulling at his hand and walking him into Sarah’s. “Aaron, if you think we’re having a quickie when I have …”

“Calm down.” Aaron says, he takes Robert up the stairs and into one of the bedrooms. He looks all nervous and he stares out at the people outside. He spots Sarah with Andy and Katie and realises he has a moment with Robert.

He thinks about getting the box out from his blazer pocket and then Robert is pulling him in by the waist and kissing him.

Aaron lets it happen before pushing him away. “Thought you didn’t want a …”

“I want to know what’s in the bag.” Robert paws at Aaron slightly until Aaron is taking a step back and taking out the long black box. It sort of gives the game away as he opens it up slowly and reveals the silky fabric of the tie. “Aaron …”

Aaron bites his lip. “It’s not … me saying that your tie is ugly. It is but.” Robert scowls playfully. “Even if it weren’t I was getting you this.”

Robert takes the tie out and holds it limply in his left hand. “Pink.”

Aaron feels all soft suddenly. “Even hungover and snappy, I remember you were wearing a pink tie.”

Robert nods slowly. “When we …”

“First met.” Aaron takes a step closer to Robert and then watches as Robert turns it over and strokes his thumb over the stripes before his eyes widen. “Your initials.” He says, before dipping his head. “It’s a bit naff but …”

Aaron feels Robert’s hands swoop up and bring him in close. He kisses him with this force that makes Aaron laugh and then he’s moving his hands through Robert’s hair and then stroking slowly over the back of Robert’s neck.

“I love it.” Robert whispers into Aaron’s mouth.

Aaron blushes. “Do you?”

Robert rolls his eyes. “Of course I do.” He says before tugging off his tie and putting Aaron’s on. Aaron watches, feels this wave of something hit him and all this feels so normal, so strangely perfect that he doesn’t know what to do with it. “How’s it look.”

Aaron scrunches his face up. “Bit fit.”

“Bit?” Robert says, and then he does his whole smirky I’m-fit-and-you-know-it thing and Aaron’s way too in love with him to pretend like it doesn’t have any effect. It does. It makes his shoulders roll forward and he can only lean forward when Robert kisses him gently.

Eventually Robert pulls away and Aaron stares at him for a second, looks all serious suddenly.

“Saw Nathan today.” Aaron says, he’s lent against the window and watches Robert’s reaction carefully. It’s not like Nathan’s Voldemort or anything but they haven’t spoken about him, or that time, for a while now and it feels weird to do this.

Robert’s mouth opens slightly, and he sticks his head up, stops faffing around with his collar. “Oh.” He says. “I thought he was in …”

Aaron arches an eyebrow. “So did I.”

Robert fidgets with his hands before tilting his head up. “How was it?”

Aaron shrugs tightly and realises that he can’t exactly tell Robert _where_ he saw him, _what_ he was doing exactly. “Bit weird.” He shrugs out eventually, deciding to settle on the overall feeling of being met with someone who has become a stranger after being so much more than that. “He’s back with his ex. Seems happy enough.”

Robert nods slowly. “Living back here I take it?”

Aaron nods back and there’s this beat of something that Aaron can’t really wrap his head around. He wonders if just the mention of Nathan has muddled something in Robert’s mind, and he feels terrible for a second for it. He wonders if Robert sees Nathan in the same way he did nearly three years ago or if it’s all changed.

“Sorry, just didn’t want to … _not_ tell you like it’s a thing.” Aaron shrugs.

Robert frowns, slips a hand towards Aaron and strokes his wait. It makes Aaron make a little sound and then he dips his head down and Robert’s forehead is pressed against his.

“I get it.” Robert tells him. “I’m glad he’s … good. Sort of worked out for him. In the end.”

Aaron frowns playfully. “Is that your way of saying you sort of did the guy a favour?”

Robert tilts his head like he’s really thinking. “Well I suppose so, not saddled with you any—”

Aaron gasps before breaking out into a smile and resisting the way Robert pulls him in for a kiss for about ten seconds before moaning into Robert’s mouth and letting his hands slide down Robert’s chest to his waist.

Robert gasps against Aaron’s ear. “I should go, schmooze clients and all that.”

Aaron shouldn’t find it sexy. He finds it sexy.

“Can’t Chrissie do that for a bit.”

Robert huffs and then leans away from Aaron to stare out the window. “Think she’s done enough.”

Aaron stares at Robert’s tie. “Yeah. She has.” He whispers quietly. Robert looks down, frowns. “Could be in some high-rise fancy London flat if it weren’t for her couldn’t you?”

Sometimes Aaron thinks about that. It could have all been really different if Robert had left and Aaron couldn’t convince him to come back. He wonders where he would be now, if he would have told everyone he was giving up on the idea but secretly wishing Robert would come through the door. He can’t imagine himself moving on completely at all.

Robert cards a hand through Aaron’s hair, smiles. “Weren’t going anywhere.”

Aaron feels this fizzing in his stomach, and he dips his head again. “Robert …” His heart pounds and the question is just ready to jump out. Robert looks confused and then suddenly Sarah is calling out for him by the foot of the stairs.

Apparently someone wants a tour of the land and Chrissie’s busy.

“Go.” Aaron whispers, although he squeezes at Robert’s hand and sort of doesn’t want to let go. He does eventually and Robert disappears down the stairs.

Aaron wipes a hand over his face, tells himself to get a grip and then gulps hard when he watches Robert walking around and telling the bloke all about the place. Aaron’s blown away by his confidence. It makes him smile gently as he stares and then pulls his gaze away when he sees that Leyla’s sent him a text asking how it’s all going.

He texts something back, tells her that it’s all good and Robert’s being his usual self.

Leyla replies quickly, says a lot but Aaron only really focuses on where she says, ‘your Robert’. It still feels weird to properly think about the fact that the office know them as just being together, just normal now. Office gossip is still office gossip but it’s pretty pointless considering Leyla’s still all over Liam and Aaron’s got a ring in his pocket.

The thought makes him panic slightly and he tries to act natural as he watches Robert reappear again. He looks towards the glamping site, waves a hand out and then Jack is running towards him and latching onto Robert’s leg.

Aaron’s heart thuds so hard. He just looks down and smiles.

“He’s so good with him.”

Aaron looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah. She’s wearing a dress, flowers printed over it and she nods out towards where Robert is. He’s picked Jack up now, and he’s showing him around and pointing things out. It makes Aaron’s heart do something funny.

“Yeah.” Aaron whispers. “He really is.”

Before Jack came along, Aaron had never seen Robert with a kid before. The thought hadn’t even entered his mind until Robert had a tiny little baby in his hand, and he was asking how to hold him without doing any lasting damage. Aaron just watched, eyes wide and heart thumping. It was like he saw everything he was scared of wanting. It was like everything he thought he wouldn’t ever have let alone deserve.

“I knew he’d be. Despite …”

Aaron watches as Robert bounces Jack and makes him giggle. “What, the name? He doesn’t care about that.”

Aaron knows that he did. He knows that when Andy announced that he’d be calling his first son after their dad, it was something that seemed to pull up all these emotions and make Robert quiet. It knocked him a bit and they spoke about it, Robert against Aaron’s chest and their hands clasped together.

“I was going to say because he looks a bit like Katie.” Sarah waves a hand out.

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “They’re good now.”

Sarah comes into the room more and Aaron turns to stare at her. “Think you’ve got a bit to do with that.”

Aaron frowns. “Me?”

Sarah nods slowly and then sits on the bed. “I remember after it all happened, after all the drama. He felt so lost. He said that he didn’t think he’ll ever find someone, that he was scared of being alone.”

It makes Aaron’s throat close up and his eyes are wet suddenly.

“But then you came along.”

Aaron huffs, always appreciating the way Sarah makes it seem like a fairy-tale when she’s trying to prove a point. “Something like that yeah.” He says.

Aaron looks towards the window again to say Robert swinging Jack by his arms as he talks to Andy. Aaron smiles out towards them, can’t help it. “Yeah, he’s brilliant with him.”

“Careful, starting to sound broody there.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he looks at Sarah. She gives him this motherly smile like she just knows what he’s thinking. It makes Aaron dip his head.

“Have you spoke about it … kids?” Sarah asks. She looks like she’s almost buzzing with excitement over the very thought. “Sorry, I don’t want to be …”

“You’ve not been speaking to my mum have you?”

Sarah pulls a face. “Maybe we had a conversation about you both being amazing with Jack, proper naturals even.”

Aaron takes in the compliment and it stirs something up inside him. Then he shrugs loosely when nods her head like the question she asked seconds ago still needs answering. It’s almost been unspoken the whole way through their relationship. He remembers the smile Robert gave him when Aaron watched him first hold Jack. It was this knowing little thing that they almost both secretly agreed not to say aloud. “I want kids. Yeah I do. With him. Could have loads.” He says.

It feels weird talking about it with Robert’s mum. He blushes hard when she smiles at him.

“I … sort of still feels strange that he’d want that with me though. You know.”

Sarah looks at him like he’s insane. She always does this when he sounds unsure. “Because of how you started?”

Aaron shrugs tightly. “Maybe.” He plays with his hands. “Can’t help but think maybe he don’t know how much I … I want him.”

“You asking him what you want to ask him might.”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he doesn’t think he’s heard her right, so he just stares.

Sarah nods, smiles a little. “The answer is yes. From me. If you’re going to be all traditional about it, which you’re not.”

Aaron just stares at her with his mouth wide open and absolutely nothing coherent coming out. He’s not sure if he’s heard her right if she means what she means and then he’s put out his misery, but this look on her face as she laughs.

“Yes. You did hear right.”

Aaron’s eyes widen and he doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or pressured. He doesn’t know what to think until he tells himself to get a grip. “How long have you …”

Sarah puts a hand on her hip. “A good few months now love.”

Aaron’s eyes grow impossibly wider and then he starts pacing the tiny space he has in the room as he thinks of how obvious he’s been. He rakes through his mind and tries to think about times he’s spoken about marriage in front of Sarah but draws blank. He hasn’t. He just doesn’t go around talking about marriages or weddings or anything even remotely close.

“Do you think _he_ knows?” Aaron stares out the window, sounds so nervous suddenly as he watches Robert talking to Vic.

“No.” Sarah says. “He’s probably the only one who doesn’t.” She pats the bed in a way to tell Aaron to sit down beside her. He does and then she starts speaking again. “Vic and I have a bet actually.”

Aaron breathes in, tries to smile but he’s way too nervous. “A _bet_?”

Sarah nods.

Aaron shakes his head and sighs. “Only got the rings this morning.” He says and Sarah seems surprised at that. “But yeah, it’s been a while since … I wanted to.”

Sarah smiles again. “When did you know you wanted to?”

Aaron wasn’t expecting the question, but he doesn’t have to think too hard. It feels like a really long time ago now. “Months back. Nothing special. He … he kicked me awake and then rolled into me, said thanks like me being there helped him stop kicking out or something. I don’t know.” His eyes flicker. “Just felt … like I wanted to do that forever, you know, be there for him.”

Aaron looks up when he hears Sarah sniffling and she’s only bloody crying. His eyes widen and he tries to stammer something out, but she stops him, says that she’ll set him off again.

“Sorry.” Aaron whispers. Then he wipes his hands down his thighs and then huffs. 

“Don’t need to be sorry.” Sarah squeezes his arm. “Must say though, never thought you’d be here telling me this when I first met you.”

Aaron bites his lip. “Neither did I.” He shrugs. “Think Robert still thinks about that sometimes.” He says. “It’s why I know he won’t ask me. He’ll think I’m not ready or … I’ve been put off of marriage for life or something.”

Robert wouldn’t have been wrong for maybe the first six months they were together. Sometimes Aaron was terrified of messing things up and the thought of spending forever with Robert like he planned on doing was the scariest thing in the world. Now though, it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like exactly how things should be.

“I understand.” Sarah says. “But it’s different now isn’t it?”

Aaron blows out a breath. “So different.” He says. “Saw Nathan today too.” Sarah looks surprised. “He’s happy. Just made me think about how … how perfect everything is now.” He frowns. “Well not perfect but … it feels like that with him.”

Sarah smiles faintly. “That’s all you can ask for.”

Aaron nods. “More than.” He says, and then he starts bouncing his knee. “So you think he’ll say yeah?”

Sarah shuffles closer towards him and nods her head seriously. “Try stopping him.” She says and then she frowns “Or don’t. Don’t stop him because that’ll ruin …”

“I get it.” Aaron nods, laughing a little. “Do you want to see the ring then?” He asks since she isn’t pushing for it.

Sarah nods and Aaron takes the box out from his blazer before she shakes her head, tells him she’ll wait. He wonders how long she has been. It makes him smile.

“I … I asked him if he wants to get a place together earlier too.”

Sarah scoffs. “You really are surprising him then.”

Aaron frowns a little.

Sarah laughs. “I remember when Robert told me you were moving in, I asked if you were going to get somewhere _together_ but … he seemed to think you wouldn’t want that just yet. You know, because … Nathan …”

Aaron’s ears turn pink. “I didn’t want that then because of Robert.” He says, because all roads seem to come back to Robert Sugden.

“Sensing a theme here.” Sarah teases. Aaron breathes in and then starts bouncing his knee up and down. “When do you think you’ll …”

“Ask?” Aaron bites his lip hard. “No clue. I mean … it should be when things feel right. I’m not showy and he knows that, so it won’t be anything …”

“It doesn’t have to be.” Sarah tells him. “Just has to feel right like you said.”

Aaron’s heart pounds so hard in his chest he thinks Robert’s going to hear it from outside. “You really don’t mind?” He asks Sarah, mainly because he’s always going to worry that he isn’t good enough for Robert, always going to worry that she knows that’s the truth.

Sarah does such a motherly thing, actually holds his face by his chin and nods. “Not one bit.” She says and his shoulders relax a little more. “You’re already like a son to me.”

Aaron’s chin wobbles slightly and he sees that Sarah has tears in her eyes. “Sarah …”

“No.” Sarah says. “Just listen. I want to thank you for being there for Robert, _properly_ being there for him and – and letting him build something up from somewhere he was so afraid of.”

Aaron’s mouth gapes a little as his mind traces back to Robert’s apprehension with a particular set of barns that looked almost collapsed. It took seconds for him to think of the word fire and understand so much that he couldn’t help but squeeze Robert tightly until he was ready to talk.

“You don’t have to thank me.”

Sarah waves a hand up. “Oh I do. He can also be an absolute nightmare.”

Aaron dips his head and laughs. “You’re not wrong there.”

Robert can be a nightmare, and dramatic and his tongue can be sharp and mean but he’s also the kindest person Aaron’s ever met. He’s this steadiness when things seem rocky. He’s just always here. It’s sort of why there’s a ring in Aaron's pocket and a sizeable dent in his bank account.

\--

Aaron peaks his head through the sheet of the tent and sees Robert holding Jack right up against his hip. He knows he’s going to complain about it later, say that he didn’t realise kids could weigh so much and so little at the exact same time. Robert holds Jack like a sack of potatoes sometimes and it’s really the funniest thing in the world. Jack’s old enough now to hit out at Robert’s face, tap his cheeks to tell him that he’s going to slip if he doesn’t hold him tighter.

Aaron watches as Jack babbles on about the colour of the pillows and how sparkly the lights are. The fact that he’s two years old has absolutely nothing to do with how advanced he is when it comes to talking. Robert teases, says he doesn’t understand how he’s so advanced when Andy was hardly the brightest bulb in the world.

“Hiding in here then.” Aaron asks with a hand tucked away in his pocket and Robert looks up with this bright smile on his face.

“ _’Won_.” Jack spins and his eyes light up as he sees Aaron. Aaron smiles back at him, heart thudding a little louder when he hears Jack trying to say his name the way he always seems to do now. It’s weird to think of the fact that he’s known Jack his whole life and that he truly loves the little kid. He loves _Andy’s_ kid to bits. It’s all strange.

Robert runs a hand through Jack’s hair. “He wanted to see what the tents looked like.” He says. “Thought I’d show him the special one.”

Aaron frowns, coming closer and pulling a face at Jack who giggles and then looks back to the bed.

“Special one?”

Robert smirks. “I mean if you can’t remember what happened in here I can spell it out so that a certain someone doesn’t …”

Aaron blushes slightly. “Oh.” He looks around and takes in how much smaller the barn is compared to what he remembered it looking like a couple of years ago. He was younger then, and scared, and so unsure about how Robert really felt and then they were rolling around in the hay here and things were forgotten about for a while. “ _That_ barn.” He whispers.

“Yeah. That one.” Robert needs to stop doing that thing with his voice because it only makes Aaron bite his lip and remember.

Robert leans over, kisses Aaron lightly before Jack yanks him away to point at the pillows on the bed.

“‘ed. Blue. ‘ellow” Jack sticks a hand in his mouth as he waits for Robert to tell him that he’s right. When he does, proper bounces him in the air and smiles, it makes Jack giggle and Aaron can only stare with this buzzing in his mind over it all. “Why are they all diff’ent?” Jack asks, his eyes wide as he tilts his head to the side.

“Because Chrissie thought it looked _glamorous_ Jack.” Aaron pulls this face and Jack’s giggling again like he knows what Aaron’s talking about.

It doesn’t seem to matter all that much by the way Jack leans towards Aaron with his arms outstretched because he wants to be held by him.

“‘Won, uncle ‘ob said we can’t sleep in here tonight.”

Aaron huffs, runs a hand delicately over Jack’s brown locks. “Well no mate, they’re for guests aren’t they?”

Jack pulls a face again, this time he looks like he’s trying his best to cry. Aaron looks up at Robert like he’s desperately pleading him to help.

“You know where you could sleep over.” Robert tells Jack. His eyes are instantly wide again and he nods. “Round mine and Aaron’s new house.”

Jack gasps, looks between Robert and Aaron and then holds onto Aaron’s shirt the way he has to, to balance.

“Are you sure you’re not telling a fib?”

Robert laughs, leans real close to Jack and shakes his head. “I’m not telling a fib. It’s true.” He tells him before looking up at Aaron. “And as soon as we pick a really nice one, you’re going to be the first to sleepover yeah?”

Jack’s grin practically melts Robert’s heart in a way he never thought it would. Before Jack was born, and very promptly obsessed with his uncle, Robert never saw himself as the kid type. Some are cute and some are little shits and that’s just about it. Yet now it’s different.

Jack gets all excited and slides down Aaron unsteadily before running around the place and leaving Aaron to look at Robert.

“What?” Robert asks, his smile fades a little like he’s suddenly unsure.

“House.” Aaron says.

Robert’s mouth is dry, and his eyes widen. “It was — well yeah I’d want a house but if you want to look for a bigger flat then we will.”

Aaron bites his lip. “No.” Robert still looks confused. “No. I mean ... a house is ... a house sounds perfect.”

“It does?” Robert tilts his head, breathes in slowly.

Aaron looks around to Jack and then back at Robert. He suddenly tries to steady himself as he realises what he’s trying to do next.

“Couple of bedrooms would be ... fine with me too.”

Robert looks up sharply. “Yeah?”

Aaron has this ring burning in his pocket, this ring that promises Robert he sort of wants to be with him for the rest of his life and yet speaking around the idea of having kids is the thing that’s making his palms sweat.

“Yeah.” Aaron says. “Two. Three. I don’t know it just depends on ... value for money and ... and all ...”

Robert looks like he’s going to be sick but Aaron’s not sure if it’s a good kind or a bad kind. He didn’t even think there was two kinds until right this minute. He runs a hand through his hair and then gulps hard.

“Umm. For like ... future references?” Robert says, because he’s an absolute bloody weirdo and doesn’t really know how he’s meant to say the idea of having children is the scariest thing in the world, but he doesn’t think it will be in four or five years down the line.

Aaron’s shoulders flatten as he understands and then he nods slowly. “Yeah.” He says. “Exactly.”

“Well then yeah.”

Aaron gulps so hard. “Good.” He nods his head quickly like they've just settled on a deal on a golf course.

Robert leans in to kiss Aaron and then Jack suddenly jumps in between them both.

“Can I bring my toys to your new house?”

At just that minute, Vic comes in and her face is a picture. She looks surprised and happy and all Aaron can think of is the fact that her and his future bloody mother in law have a bet going on. He stares at her and wonders if she knows he knows just by looking at him.

If she does she doesn’t make it obvious.

“You’re getting a place together?” Vic checks.

“New house.” Jack jumps and then she scoops him up and bounces him on her hip.

“Is that what they told you Jack?”

Jack nods proudly and Robert looks at Aaron with this nervous smile on his face.

“It’s all ... new.” Robert says. He waves a hand out and shrugs. “We only really talked about it this morning.”

“Talked about what?”

Aaron looks up to see Chas coming in. He doesn’t know where to look when she all but demands to know what’s up.

“Is anyone actually _outside_?” Robert asks.

“Well I’m only here because Katie wants Jack to eat something.” Chas says. She takes the boy from Vic and then scowls. “What’s ...”

“We’re buying a place together.” Aaron says, as quickly as possible because he knows it’ll save a few minutes.

Chas lets out this bright smile. “Who’s idea was that?”

“Mine.” Aaron shrugs. “Sort of.” He watches her look at Robert and tries to read what the look means. “What?”

Robert’s head dips almost uncomfortably.

Chas looks up sharply. “What? Nothing. Nothing. I’m over the moon.” She says and it sort of radiates all over her. “Long time coming if you ask me.” She says.

Robert lifts his head up slowly and Aaron thinks about Robert and her talking about the possibility before now. He can imagine Robert being apprehensive, Chas wanting to shake him for it because he has no reason to be.

“Yeah. I think so too.” Vic says. She folds her arms over and her chef’s hat looks even funnier for it.

“Yeah?” Aaron asks her. He focuses in and waits for her to say something, but he doesn’t really have to. She’s already nodding her head and he soaks in how sincere it all is.

“Right. Come on.” Chas takes Jack and Robert and Aaron watch was Vic follows them out.

“Her break’s clearly over.” Aaron says. His back is to Robert one minute and then the next he feels himself being spun around and pulled into a breathless kiss.

Aaron relaxes into it until he feels Robert pulling at his jacket and he panics at the thought of Robert feeling up the ring box. He pulls away sharply and gets this look from Robert like he’s never been so confused in his life.

“I ... uh ...”

“Rob! Speech.”

Aaron spins to see Chas poking her head in again before disappearing and he’s never been so thankful for her loud she is. Robert’s quickly forgotten Aaron practically pushing him to the other side of the room, and he straightens his back nervously.

“Speech?” Robert shakes his head. “I — I don’t even have a proper one. How do I not even have a proper –”

Aaron holds at Robert’s blazer and tugs a little until Robert is just focusing on him. “Hey.” He whispers. “Look at me, you’re going to do great.”

Robert’s shoulders relax slightly. “Thanks.” He whispers back, and then he presses a kiss lightly to Aaron’s lips before moving back. “I’ll see you out there yeah? I just need to ask Chrissie how much she wants me to say.”

Aaron watches him go, proper watches and then he looks up and sees his mum just staring at him with this look on her face.

“You OK?”

Aaron gulps hard. “Yeah. Of course.” He says. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Chas frowns. “You tell me.” She says with a huff. “You seem nervous.”

Aaron itches his eyebrow. “Well. Yeah. It’s a big day for Rob.” He clears his throat. “So that means it’s a big day for me too.”

Chas warms a little and then frowns. “So you’re sure it’s ... nothing else.”

For a second he thinks about telling her about the ring in his pocket. He wonders if she’d think he was being too rash, if maybe there’s the tiniest part in her that wonders if him and Robert have an expiry date just like him and Nathan did. That worries him for way too long until Chas is telling him again that the whole moving in together thing has been a really long time coming.

“Yeah I know. Just wanted it to be … right.”

Chas a face on again, asks him what’s wrong again.

“Nothing.”

Chas nods slowly and then walks out leaving Aaron to pat the inside of his pocket and shake himself a little.

\--

The speech makes Aaron tear up but there’s nothing really new about that in the slightest. He stands behind Sarah and Vic with a glass of champagne in his hand and listens as Robert stands there addressing all the important people who have made important journeys to see the place today. Aaron’s looking around and watching as old blokes in suits look impressed with what they’ve seen, and Robert starts thanking everyone for actually showing up.

“I know for some of you, the idea has been in the making for a while. Trust me, it feels like forever since I started it all.” Robert smooths a hand down his pink tie. “I want to thank Chrissie and Tom for believing in this idea and for believing in me too. I never expected my life to uh … take this turn but I’m so glad it did because I really believe in this and hope that you all do too.” Robert goes to raise his glass and then he stops, looks right at Aaron. “And I want to thank Aaron.”

For a second, Aaron can only feel eyes on him.

“The most patient person in the world to put up with all of this.” Robert looks around and there’s a few chuckles from the crowd. “And me, God just me in general.” Aaron smiles as he hears people laughing and it’s not fair that Robert can be both self-deprecating and charming at the same time. “I couldn’t have done it without you, so thank you so much.”

The thought drags Aaron back to when Robert and him first visited the site after it was officially in the process of being something other than the Sugden’s farm.

Robert had this bout of insecurity that practically ripped through everything and made him scared and lost and unsure of what he was even doing. He sat in their barn, head down and staring around at all the work that would have to be done right until the builders were going home for the day and telling him it isn’t safe to just stay here by himself. Aaron had knelt down, told him they can go home and put on one of his stupid detective shows if he wants and when that didn’t do anything, Aaron started looking around the place talking out loud and telling Robert where everything is going to go.

“What are you doing?” Robert asked, tilting his head as he watched Aaron stretch his arms out.

“So bed here right?”

Robert’s shoulders just relaxed down, and his knee stopped bouncing as he looked up at Aaron. “Yeah.” He whispered slowly.

“Double yeah? I think one should have two singles. Or maybe we could …”

“A sofa bed might be a good idea.” Robert shrugged. “I haven’t run it by Chrissie but …”

“Sounds perfect.” Aaron said. His voice was soft and delicate and for a second he recognised the sound of it himself and how it always seemed to drift off into this slowness whenever Robert needed to really hear him.

Aaron held out his hand and Robert latched onto it, pulling himself up and practically throwing his arms around Aaron so that they were pressed into this tight hug together. Robert didn’t even need to say anything, he just breathed against Aaron’s shoulder and Aaron’s hand hovered over Robert’s back before forming small circles.

The sound of clapping is able to pull Aaron out of his own mind and he practically thrusts his glass into the direction of a water so he can bring his fingers to his mouth and whistle. It catches Jack’s attention, has the little boy grinning at him and then Robert is staring too, and Aaron feels the bloody ring burning this giant hole in his pocket as Robert mouths “love you” to him before being dragged down by Chrissie and given half a dozen business cards.

After hours of watching his mum and Sarah talk incessantly and having to remind Jack that he’s too little to get on any of the ‘tree rides’, Aaron watches as Robert waves at him from across the field to tell him that they can go after he’s finished talking to whoever it is he’s trying to impress. Ten minutes later, Robert is smiling, and Chrissie is laughing and from Aaron’s very basic knowledge of business, he’s sure they’ve just secured some sort of deal.

The haziness of his knowledge is cut short when Robert comes over towards him, squeezes at his waist and pulling him in close.

“Oi.” Aaron teases as Robert manhandles him into being impossibly close. Aaron’s smiling one second and then thinking of the stupid ring box and detangling himself from Robert’s grip. “I take it, whatever you and that bloke were talking about went well.”

Robert grins. “He’s with a private school, agreed to have annual events here.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “What?”

Robert’s cheeks turn red. “Yeah I know I just – he said he was impressed that I was bought up here and turned it into something like this.”

“He’s not the only one.” Aaron whispers, a hand pressed against Robert’s chest as he stares up into his eyes and then down towards the pink tie. “God I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m not Mr head of sales.” Robert pokes at Aaron’s promotion, makes Aaron’s stomach flutter as he remembers the absolute massive deal Robert said he just had to make out of Aaron’s new position at White Limited and the fact that considering a whole board of people were involved in the decision, no one could really bang on about the nepotism of it all.

Aaron vaguely remembers getting absolutely pissed out of his mind that night after Robert had surprised him with a hotel room and bottles of champagne.

Aaron rolls his eyes at it now and then feels Robert kissing him again until his head is tilted back and they’re only stopping when they hear someone clearing their throat. Robert pulls away to see Andy standing there with Katie and Jack.

“Uh. I just wanted to say we’re leaving now.” Andy says. “Jack wanted to make sure you weren’t joking about that sleepover you promised.”

Robert looks at Jack who looks absolutely wiped out in Katie’s arm. “Not joking at all mate.” He says before bending down and kissing Jack’s head. “Um. Thanks for coming. I know it must have been a bit boring but …”

“No it wasn’t.” Andy says, almost too seriously so then he smiles. “Well I mean Chrissie standing there going on about the type of biodegradable wood you’ve used for the climbing frames was, but the rest weren’t.”

“Yeah and the tents are amazing.”

 _Amazing_. Robert looks at Katie like she’s lost the plot and then smiles warmly. Sometimes, like right now, Robert sort of remembers the fact that things are good between them. He remembers that Jack has bought them so close together, almost as close as when they were kids. It seems ironic to think of but it’s true.

Sarah comes over when Robert and Aaron have done their best to politely say goodbye to everyone. Chas gives Aaron this look like she just knows something is up but he can’t imagine Sarah telling her anything, so he just stares her out until she’s hugging him and leaving. Now, Aaron stares up at the starry sky and shudders against the night breeze until Sarah has finished hugging Robert.

“I’m so proud of you.”

Robert smiles and squeezes Sarah’s side again before walking towards the car with Aaron. “Chrissie said she’s going to be packing everything up in the next ten minutes so just shout at her if people aren’t moving fast enough.”

Robert basically wriggles a finger in her face about it and Sarah nods, tells him that it’s all fine. It makes Robert think about the fact that for her, for his mum, uprooting a place where she started and bought up her family, could have been the exact _opposite_ of fine. The cottage had to be moved from where it was, _she_ had to move, and everything inside was knocked down and replaced with things she wanted but weren’t quite the same as before.

Sarah could have hated it, could have told Robert that she supports him but wants things in her life to be kept exactly the way it was and yet she didn’t. Instead, her and Mark were looking at wooden flooring and she was painting the living room yellow. Apparently she’d wanted to have a yellow living room since she moved in with Jack and yet it never really happened.

Robert thinks of yellow paint whenever he doubts that things work out and Aaron calls him an absolute sap for it.

“Off you go.” Sarah waves at her son and then looks towards Aaron before pulling him into a tight hug. “Have a good night.” She whispers and when she pulls away Aaron watches Robert messing around on his phone and he realises he can speak.

“Don’t be nervous.” Sarah tells him as she leans in and straightens his jacket. “Everything will work out just fine.”

Aaron blows out a breath. “You think?”

Sarah almost looks offended. “I know.” She says before smiling warmly and practically walking Aaron back to the car.

\--

Aaron stares at Robert because he can’t really look anywhere else. He’s trying to focus on anything other than the ring in his jacket pocket and the feeling he gets whenever he thinks about actually asking the question. He’s suddenly struck by exactly how he’s meant to go about doing it. Physically. Does he have to get down on one knee? He supposes so. That’s a thing that blokes do. He can imagine _not_ doing that though and suddenly wonders if that’s terrible of him.

It’s like his mind short circuits for a second because he doesn’t hear an absolute thing that Robert tells him. Instead he just places a hand on Robert’s lap and nods along like he’s aware of anything.

“We’re not shagging in here if that’s what the hand’s there for.”

Aaron scowls, his nerves broken slightly by the comment. “What? Piss off.” He snipes. “I was just … resting it.”

Robert looks at him. “You OK?”

The answer is absolutely simple. Yes and no.

Aaron’s sure he’s never felt so certain about things in his life and yet at the same time he can’t help but feel like he’s going to be sick.

Robert turns down into the quieter country lanes and throws Aaron another look when he hasn’t replied. Aaron nods slowly and tries to smile.

“That was all a bit long wasn’t it? I didn’t think we’d be going home this late.”

Aaron frowns. “Don’t be stupid. It was nice.”

Robert looks at him like he’s lost the plot. “Thought you hated all of that schmoozing.”

“Yeah I did but … quite like you so.” Aaron shrugs and Robert just gives him this look, this smile and Aaron can only smile back.

“Thanks. For coming.” Robert whispers, and then he’s placing a hand on Aaron’s lap, squeezing before concentrating back on the road.

Aaron can only stare for a second before his brain kicks in. “You don’t have to thank me.”

“Oh.” Robert says. “So you don’t want me to later?”

Aaron’s face floods with colour and he sits up straighter. “Well I never said that.”

Robert smirks and Aaron spends the next five minutes trying to not bounce his knee. His mind has quietened down just a tad, but he still has Sarah in his mind, her blessing for what he’s about to do at some point. Some point. He doesn’t know when.

He thinks about the fact that Robert’s birthday was only a couple of months ago. He could have done it then, it trickled right through his mind then like a bee buzzing near his ear and for some reason he batted it away. He can’t wait until Christmas either because that would be ridiculous.

“Aaron?”

“Hmm?” Aaron turns to Robert. “Sorry I was miles away.”

“I asked if you were hungry.” Robert says. “I saw you turning your nose up at all the little sandwiches Chrissie probably spent a grand on.”

Aaron huffs and his stomach rumbles a little almost on cue. “Yeah. Could do with something.”

Robert nods. “Could make some pasta.” He shrugs.

Aaron turns slowly and scowls. “You’re up to making your own pasta now?”

Robert shrugs again. “For you. Yeah.” He looks straight ahead. “Got some beers in the fridge too, I could tell you were dying for one ever since my mum gave you that glass of champagne.”

Aaron stares, just _stares_ at Robert.

“It always goes to your head doesn’t it?” Robert smiles and Aaron suddenly remembers that bottle of champagne Robert bought him in that hotel. The one he only had one glass off before his head was fizzing and he was having to hide glasses away and confuse a well-meaning cleaner sometime after.

“Oh and I think I saw earlier; your favourite Rocky is on at ten. Look I’m no expert or anything but I just don’t get how you can like it the best when he’s literally all old and wrinkly and literally doesn’t fight until …”

“Will you marry me?”

Robert just stares at Aaron, he looks like he’s about to laugh, like he thinks it’s a joke but then Aaron nods slowly. Robert breathes in sharply. Aaron rips his eyes away from him, looks ahead and is suddenly thankful no one else is on the road because Robert has his eyes nowhere near it. Aaron grabs the wheel, straightens it before telling Robert to push down on the brakes and then reaching over to turn the keys to stop the engine completely.

The sounds around them ground to an uncomfortable silence once the engine is dead and Aaron sits playing with his hands and having no clue what to do or say. It’s a surprise, _sure_ , but he didn’t think it would stun Robert enough to make him turn _mute_. Aaron hadn’t really imagined doing it like this, he thought he’d cook Robert’s favourite meal and maybe watch one of his confusing phi-fi films and then roll around in bed for a bit before he pops the question. He didn’t exactly have a proper plan, but it was always going to be better than this.

Surely.

Aaron’s shoulders tighten when he looks from the window to Robert again and realises that he’s still not looking anywhere else but at his face.

“You can _talk_.”

It sort of shakes Robert, makes him gulp hard enough for Aaron to hear. “Did you just … say, marry?”

Aaron blinks. “Yeah.” He says.

“Marry _me_?”

Aaron feels his face turning redder. “No Andy.” He snaps and Robert’s face stays the same. “Of course you. Is it that insane?”

Robert flaps, he starts waving his hands about and he’s saying stuff too fast for Aaron can really hear. Aaron almost prefers the quiet, so he yanks out the stupid ring box and just holds it up for Robert to see.

“What’s that?”

Aaron scowls. “A box.” He snaps. “What’d you think it is?”

Robert breathes in and then blinks. “It’s got rings in it?”

“Yes.” Aaron hisses. “For me and …” He looks down and then up again when Robert breathes in deeply. “I …” He feels his heart twist and he’s suddenly never felt so stupid in his whole entire life. “I’ve got this _totally_ wrong ain’t I?”

Robert looks horrified but Aaron just keeps his head down and starts shaking it. He feels tears start to swell in his eyes and something rips through him as he imagines how daft Robert thinks he is for doing all of this. It’s been two- and a-bit years. One and a two thirds if you count the first sixth months as what they were, a stupid honeymoon phase where everything felt new.

“Aaron …”

Robert calls Aaron’s name but Aaron’s already pushing himself out of the car door and walking to absolute nowhere as the moon remains high in the sky and stars start twinkling. It all looks so beautiful, so perfect, almost like the best place possible to ask Robert and yet it’s been ruined. Aaron stops walking suddenly when he thinks about the fact that all of this was meant to be Robert’s day, his special day and Aaron’s gone and made it all about the fact that Robert clearly isn’t ready to marry him. He wipes at his eyes furiously and turns to go back to the car and get a grip of himself.

Then he spots Robert starts walking towards him, hands deep in his pockets as he starts to do this awkward jog thing to catch up with Aaron.

“I’m fine. I shouldn’t have …”

“I was going to ask you.” Robert blurts out, he waves a hand out and then drops it against his side.

Aaron frowns. “What?”

Robert huffs and then darts his head down. “I asked your mum.”

Aaron doesn’t know what he’s meant to say, all he knows is that he’s still got tears in his eyes and he needs Robert to speak as clearly as possible, so he doesn’t embarrass himself again. “Asked her what?”

“About me marrying you, you idiot.” Robert says, he bites his lip and then sighs. Aaron’s heart starts beating out of his bloody face. “I asked here ages ago, what she’d think, if she’d … mind. I don’t know. I thought – thought it was stupid to ask because …”

Aaron has tears in his eyes, and he wipes them away furiously. “Because what?”

Robert shrugs slowly. “Because I thought you’d want to _wait_.” He tells Aaron. “At least … I don’t know … more than …”

“Three years?” Aaron says, because he knows exactly what Robert is talking about. Aaron thinks of Nathan, and how time didn’t really mean a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. Especially when he compared all of it to Robert, and how long it feels like he’s been this massive part of his life.

Robert looks away. “Thought it’d put you off. You know … not having … just being asked when you weren’t ready, and I didn’t want you to just say yeah to … to please me.”

Aaron’s struck by everything Robert’s just said and feels overwhelmed by it. He suddenly walks towards Robert, cups his face and strokes over Robert’s cheek with his hand before kissing him lightly on the forehead. It all just takes over him, there’s this instinct that kicks in and he can’t help but want to reassure Robert. He hasn’t had to for so long, he can’t help but feel guilty.

“It wouldn’t – it wouldn’t have been because of … you. It would have been because I want to be married to you, be your _husband_.”

Aaron whispers the words out and Robert feels goosebumps trail over his skin at the thought of it. If Aaron’s being honest, he hasn’t ever really thought of the word husband the way he does now. The idea of being Robert’s husband feels like everything and more and it’s crazy to think of how _much_ he wants it to be true.

“You do?” Robert frowns, soft and uncertain and Aaron rolls his eyes and pushes away.

“What do you think?” Aaron waves a hand out and then he’s pacing around on the side of the road. “I – I know I’m … I … but I asked you to move in with me didn’t I? No. Not just move in, get a place _together_. I know you’re probably always going to think that – that the penny’s going to drop and I’m going to run a mile but that’s why I wanted to ask you to …”

“Aaron.”

“—marry me because I knew you’d never want to rush me or anything, but you wouldn’t be because we love each other, and I don’t know why we should have to –”

“Aaron.” Robert says, a little firmer this time and Aaron looks over to see Robert actually properly down on one knee and just staring up at him.

Aaron breathes in so hard he feels faint and his legs feel like jelly. “ _Wh_ —what are you …”

“What do you think?” Robert mimics, tilting his head and then breathing out deeply. “If you could shut up for a second, you’d know that I’m …”

Aaron walks towards him a little more and then nods his head. “Shit.”

“That’s not the reaction I was hoping for.”

“You nearly crashed the car.” Aaron says.

Robert bites his lip and then laughs. “Yeah. Look where as well.”

Aaron turns around and his heart starts beating way faster than it should. “Where we …” He shudders, and then wipes at his eyes and smiles. “Where my car broke down.”

Robert nods his head and smirks. “Exactly.”

Aaron gulps hard again and closes his eyes.

Robert breathes in. “Aaron.”

“Yeah?”

“Will you marry me?” Robert whispers.

Aaron feels this rush of something flow through him, hit him round the head and he breathes out a breath he thinks he’s probably been holding in since he first clapped eyes on Robert. His face is bright red and he’s crying but he still tilts his head to the side, waits a second before answering.

“Let me think about it for a sec.” Aaron clears his throat, puffs his chest out a little and then Robert’s face falls and it’s enough to make Aaron stop the façade. “Yes. Of course I will you idiot.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and he goes to stand when Aaron practically lunges down to kiss him, and they practically topple over on the side of the road. Aaron pulls away for the smallest of seconds to smile and then Robert brings him in for another kiss. Then Aarons patting his jacket until he pulls out the ring box. Aaron doesn’t think Robert’s ever looked happier.

“You will.” Robert whispers.

“Obviously yes.” Aaron tells him. “How could it – it be anything else?”

It’s _that_ that says everything and more. It’s the fact that of course Aaron wants to be married to Robert more than any single doubt he could possibly ever have about being with one person for the rest of his life. There’s no ifs or buts or anything. There’s just Robert, knelt down in front of him asking him to be his husband.

Robert leans over, kisses Aaron with this force that still has them both sprawled out on the tiny country road. Aaron eventually pulls away, opening the ring box and staring up to study Robert’s reaction at the two rings inside.

“Do you like them?” Aaron asks, almost like a little kid.

Robert nods his head quickly. “Of course I do.” He whispers. “I … I just can’t believe you actually got them. I … I can’t believe …”

Aaron nearly loses his balance as he struggles on one knee and then pulls Robert’s hand towards him. The ring slides down Robert’s finger and for just the smallest second it genuinely feels like they are the only two people in the whole world.

Robert breathes in, shakes his head like this is all mad and then he’s leaning in to kiss Aaron again. 

“I love you.” Aaron whispers gently. He says it like he _needs to_ just in case Robert has absolutely no idea how much he does.

The thought seems to wriggle about in his mind until Robert is staring into his eyes.

“I know.” Robert looks so calm suddenly. “I love you.” Robert says and then he scoffs. “Just proposed to you didn’t I?”

Aaron suddenly scowls. “Uh you’re not taking credit for that mate.”

“I definitely recall me doing the _asking_ and you doing the _answering_.” Robert pulls this face like he’s outraged and gives this nod of the head which makes Aaron’s heart flutter against how stupid he is. “And.” Robert gets to his feet and pulls Aaron up with him. “I’m not your mate.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and then shows teeth as he smiles. “My fiancé. Right. Sorry about that.”

Robert sticks his chin up. “Soon to be husband.” He reminds him. “If you’re lucky.”

“Already am.” Aaron whispers.

“So am I.” Robert whispers back, a kiss pressed against the side of Aaron’s head. “Let’s go home.”

\--

Robert moves his eyes down the length of Aaron’s body and then pulls the duvet further up Aaron to cover him against the cold of the night. It’s chillier than either of them expected it to be and no amount of rolling around in bed has been able to do anything about that. Now, Aaron dips his head down on Robert’s chest as he lays directly on top of him. It’s this heavy steady weight that makes Robert feel safer than he has for years and years.

Aaron bites his lip, eyes practically sparkling under the light of the moon peaking in through the thin curtains. He tilts his head to the side and then huffs out a breath. “What’s with the staring?”

“Just want to look at you.” Robert combs a hand through Aaron’s sweaty hair and then strokes a hand over the tiniest looking birth mark on Aaron’s left shoulder. “That not allowed?”

Aaron bites his lip hard and then his eyes flutter as he holds up his hand and then stares at the ring. “I can make an exception for you I think.” He whispers. “Considering we’re …” He closes his eyes like the thought is crazy.

“Looking for the word engaged I think.”

Aaron gulps hard and then leans over to pool his hands over Robert’s face and kiss him. “Have you ever wanted to marry anyone before?” He whispers the words out and doesn’t know what he expects to hear back but Robert just snorts.

“What?”

Aaron shrugs. “Granted it’s a weird question but … I don’t know.” He shrugs slowly.

“I mean yeah I’ve thought about it, like as something that _could_ happen, but it never made me want to do anything about it.” Robert tilts his chin up, gulps hard against the weight of Aaron still against him. “Until you.”

Robert strokes a hand against Aaron’s arm and thinks about the closest he’s ever really come to thinking about it. He was lying in a field with Katie under his arm and he thought about eloping with her, taking her for himself and not having to watch Andy lose his mind over it. Then Katie was wearing a ring, and he was hating the idea of marriage altogether for such a long time. It became dark and suffocating and like something everyone should run from.

Robert tells Aaron in whispers now and Aaron listens almost in complete silence. Robert studies all the expression running across Aaron’s face and then he feels lips pressed against his for a second before Aaron is leaning his head down into Robert’s chest.

“I thought you’d think it was too soon.” Robert says after a few minutes. “It’s why I didn’t … I was going to have a plan.”

Aaron looks up. “A plan?”

“Yeah.” Robert nods slowly. “Not on the side of a country road in the middle of the night.”

“Would you have gone all fancy then?” Aaron mumbles, a smirk on his face.

“Probably in one of the barns actually. Could have spent the night in our one, big cosy bed.”

“Freezing our balls off.”

“Maybe.” Robert says and then he tilts his hips up. “Could have kept warm though.” He whispers and Aaron gasps, hands pushed down on Robert’s chest hard as he smiles.

“Would have been sweet.” Aaron says. “Anything would have worked.”

Robert pulls a face. “You always were a bit easy though weren’t you.”

Aaron bites his lip hard and laughs. “Should be thankful I’m a cheap date.”

“True.” Robert whispers. “Going to make the rest of my life a little simpler.”

Aaron’s heart thumps so hard in his chest and he feels tears swell in his eyes again over the ease of what they’re doing right now. Sometimes it’s difficult to imagine the worry and fear he had over Robert, the way he was becoming so good at burying every single feeling he had for Robert because it was easier than admitting what he really felt. Now though, his hands shake and his skin bubbles at the memory and the times where all of this would have been almost dreamlike, something that he shouldn’t spend time thinking about for more than a second.

Aaron thinks of how Robert would have felt when he said yes, when Robert was on one knee and he was staring at someone who he’s wanted to be with for so long despite it taking time and effort. Aaron strokes a hand over Robert’s leg as he thinks about his own reaction, how immediate it was, how it was only ever going to be yes and the fact that any hesitation he had was lost. For a second, Nathan filters through In his mind and he remembers the smell of pints and his mum beaming and saying yes when it didn’t feel right too.

Aaron drags himself away from the thought when he thinks of the way he walked away from Robert after he’d practically begged him not to say yes to Nathan. “You didn’t have to wait.” Aaron whispers suddenly.

“What?”

Aaron gulps hard. “You should have known you didn’t have to wait to ask.” He tilts his head up. “’M sorry if I didn’t …”

“Shut up.” Robert whispers, and then he strokes a hand over Aaron’s face and moves his legs so that they hold around Aaron a little tighter. “I would have.”

Aaron huffs. “Think you’ve done enough waiting in the past, don’t you?”

Robert pulls this face. “I can make exceptions.” He says. “When it comes to you.”

“Well you don’t have to.” Aaron says, suddenly serious. “Because I’m really _properly_ going to be your husband.”

Robert just stares for a second and Aaron’s eyes flicker. “With a ring and everything.” He says eventually.

Aaron nods all enthusiastically and holds out Robert’s hand. “Think we can swap them.” Robert frowns down at him. “The rings. I take yours; you take mine.” He shrugs. “What’s mine is yours and all that.”

“Does that mean that shirt you hate of mine is technically yours now?”

Aaron groans. “If needs be I suppose.” He mumbles before kissing Robert and then tilting his head back again. “Would you want to swap rings?”

Robert’s heart twists in his chest and he feels it give way when he focuses on the conversation they’re having. He didn’t expect it for a while. He had everything worked out in his mind, thought he knew exactly what Aaron would have been comfortable with too.

“Yeah.” Robert whispers before holding Aaron’s hand in his. “Yeah I’d like that.” He smiles and then he’s blushing so red that Aaron practically pokes him until he tells him what’s wrong. “Nothing.” Robert says. “Absolutely nothing is wrong.”

It makes Aaron’s eyes fill with tears and Robert holds at his face before kissing him gently and feeling Aaron pushing him further down onto the bed. Aaron kisses down Robert’s neck and then mumbles something close to “love you” before gripping at Robert’s hand and feeling the coolness of the ring as he presses down on Robert.

\--

Aaron wakes up to the feel of Robert’s hand combing through his hair and he tilts his head up just to smile a little and then go back to sleeping soundly against Robert’s bare chest. He only opens his eyes again when Robert’s phone buzzes loudly and he groans as pushes himself up to see what all the fuss is about.

“I may or … may not have face-timed mum while you were asleep.” Robert says, with this nervous smile on his face not budging as he waits for Aaron to say something.

Aaron feels warm as he wraps his naked body up in the blanket and shimmies his body up so that his lips are pressed right against Robert’s. He closes his eyes, soaks in the feeling of it all and then sees the orange of the sunlight pour in from the curtains. There’s a wind blowing outside, and the weather is probably going to be rubbish today but Aaron doesn’t even let it register, instead he just kisses Robert until it’s hard to breathe. It doesn’t lead to anything at all, in fact, Robert’s long arms pull Aaron away again to stare right into his eyes and Aaron gets preoccupied with looking at freckles and lashes and he’s not sure how just looking at Robert still makes him feel like this, but he does.

There’s this thing in his mind that tells him, despite anything that could possibly happen, this feeling that swooped through him when he first saw Robert, the one he blamed on a hangover and subsequent sore head, is never going to subside.

“She’s so happy.” Robert mumbles, his voice is filled with something Aaron latches onto and he holds at his hand so that they are both clasped together.

Aaron’s shoulders melt a little. “She knew.” He croaks out, voice still heavy and trapped with sleep. Robert frowns. “Her and Vic had a bet and everything.”

Robert blushes bright red. “So my mum knew you were, and your mum knew I was.” He shakes his head and tilts it down towards Aaron’s. “Pretty mad when you think of it.”

Aaron laughs breathlessly against Robert’s mouth. “Should tell my mum and Liv.”

Robert nods slowly. “And George will want to know. Oh and Leyla and everyone.” He huffs but there’s no heat in it. He can’t wait. He genuinely, hand on heart, can’t wait to be able to tell people that Aaron’s his in a way that he was always afraid he wouldn’t be.

Aaron strokes a hand right down Robert’s chest and then up again. He thinks about his whole family finding out and making a big deal out of it in the nicest possible way. He thinks about the fact that as soon as they know, him and Robert will be having to host an impromptu engagement party that Leyla will no doubt be behind.

“Just thought.” Aaron looks up at Robert. “My uncle Zak’s going to have to make you drink from this rank welly.”

Robert’s been with Aaron for years now and yet has absolutely no idea what he’s on about. He’s suddenly reconsidering his slight disappointment in never attending a Dingle wedding as of yet. Liv says they’re always a hoot, but then again she’s the most sarcastic person he’s ever met in his life. Now, he thinks about Aaron’s uncle and a welly and he just has to press on the point before it gets abandoned.

“A welly?”

Aaron nods. “Hmm.” He mumbles, then pulls Robert’s hands in front of him and strokes over Robert’s knuckles. Robert smiles down at the softness of the touch. “A welly. You have to drink out of it, I don’t know why, it’s just a stupid tradition.”

It’s a tradition he’s always thought was ridiculous, one that he didn’t even bother telling Nathan about because it was so silly. Yet now, he smiles up at Robert and thinks about him being welcomed into his family properly and it makes everything inside him come alive.

“If you want to be a Dingle that is.”

Robert frowns. “What about you being a Sugden?” He tilts his head playfully.

Aaron realises what they’re doing. It’s their thing, to talk about very serious things in this jovial way until one of them cracks it. It’s seemingly Aaron’s turn when he asks if they really want to swap names when they’re married. He gets this look back from Robert like he’s not even thought about it.

“How about both. Sugden-Dingle.” Robert tilts his chin up and smirks at the order of the words.

Aaron pretends to scowl like he has a problem with it and then he stops, muses the thought over as he lays in Robert’s arms and feels the beating of the sun hit his skin as it fights against the harsh wind outside. “Yeah OK.”

Robert huffs. “Well that’s as good as I’m going to get so …”

Aaron rolls his eyes and then kicks at Robert’s leg before being poked in the side and spun on the bed so that Robert is above him. He stares up at him and then delicately places a hand on Robert’s chest. He can feel Robert’s heart racing and it settles something inside him for a second before his fingertips dance around Robert’s shoulder and down his arm.

“Should let your family know you’re becoming a _Sugden_ -Dingle then shouldn’t we?”

Aaron stares up at Robert and thinks about the things they need to do, people they need to tell, houses they need to buy, and it stretches over and over in his mind until everything turns fuzzy. There’s really a life time of things for them to do together, without rush or worry or even the tiniest glimmer of doubt.

“Yeah we should. But for now let’s … let’s just stay here yeah?” Aaron whispers the words out gently and it’s like Robert reads his mind, and everything he’s trying to say because he nods his head and slowly melts down on top of Aaron.

Aaron’s hand strokes through Robert’s hair as he hears the slow hum of Robert’s breathing. Aaron presses his head against Robert’s head and kisses his hair lightly before closing his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that's it! it's all done :( 
> 
> it feels so strange to say it because it feels like this exact idea has been bobbing around in my head for so long. i really really hope that you enjoyed this chapter, i wanted to give a look into the future but also leave enough room for your imagination to decide where they go next 
> 
> i've been writing fics for a good while now for this fandom and have never felt so much love and support for a fic before it's genuinely crazy. i just feel so lucky that so many people stuck around for the updates and, i've said it before, but hearing that this fic has genuinely given people something to look forward to in these crazy times is absolutely insanely wonderful. i want to say a mahoooosive thank you to every single person who has taken the time out of their day to leave a comment, or kudos or recommended the fic to someone else because it's the best thing a writer can get when they spend hours upon hours writing fic they hope people will enjoy
> 
> thank you thank you thank you!!! <3333333333333333

**Author's Note:**

> as always, if you have the time, comments and kudos is always appreciated!


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